fundamentalism

meat lovers beware! our taste buds have been contaminated

Posted on Jul 30, 2010 in church stuff, crazy making, fundamentalism, rants | 12 comments

i originally wrote this post for the refuge blog in october 2007. when i was looking at a few old posts this week i stumbled across it and thought i’d repost it because most everyone here has never read it. it’s almost 3 years later and even though i am rarely around people who ask for more meat, i hear it now and then when i intersect with people in passing. they’ll declare, “oh, i really love this pastor because he really gives us meat!” and i always get in my car, chuckle a little bit, and think “um, yeah, sorry, but that’s not what he’s giving you…” enjoy. as always, would love to hear your thoughts!

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“i want some meat!”“i wish we could get more meat!”“we really need more meat!”

i know those of you who are struggling to buy groceries are thinking the same thing. but i’m talking about a different kind of meat that has nothing to do with grocery stores but everything to do with church. i have heard the cry for “meat” within the church ever since i became a true-blue evangelical church-going christian. when i entered into a season of spiritual and emotional healing about 14 years ago I remember demanding it myself. things started getting a little intense in my women’s group (people were really sharing honestly from their heart, not holding back, going the distance instead of faking it) and i told my group leader “i really wish we used the Bible more in here, i really want more meat! i really want to grow…” (i am now of course so embarrassed that I said this & after having seen the light a few years later confessed to her for not recognizing then that what we were doing in that little group was far more than just some stupid slab of spiritual meat—it was actually the whole cow!). but i was not alone in this kind of thinking. i hear it all the time, although now it is like nails on a chalkboard to me, maybe even like all of my children’s nails on a chalkboard all at once. and as you all know that is a lot of fingernails!

here’s what i think people mean by “meat.”

1. “Bible knowledge” – as in scripture verses and telling us exactly what they are supposed to mean. the more the better. a little bit of hebrew or greek translation adds the perfect spice.

2. “teaching” – teachers telling people what they think they need to learn or know in a very specific clear way so that we feel like we got a “lesson”, something motivating.

3. “certainty” – these are the facts and we are 100% certain that’s what this means and on top of that we are certain this is what you are supposed to do with this knowledge, too.

4. “a touch of shame” – some kind of moment that gets created when you think “now I’ll try harder….I need to be more godly…I am convicted and now this week I will get rid of that sin for good.”

while none of those things are inherently “wrong” what gets to me about all of them is they are sort of irrelevant to the gospel of Jesus. in fact, he said over and over to the religious leaders who had these 4 things mastered up and down, backwards & forwards, “ummm, guys, you are missing the point. here’s all that you need to do—be like me.” he didn’t say “go to a room, feed your belly with knowledge, get inspired and go home feeling spiritually fat.” he said, “hang out with the outcasts, the losers, the nonreligious, the prostitutues, the sick (oh, and by the way, that means you), get in touch with your brokenness & need for me and practice the way of self-sacrifice, generosity of spirit, humility and love. yes, my friends, this is what will change the world.”

i love the Bible. i think scripture can be transforming. but i also believe we have dismissed that true spiritual maturity is a life of serving others in tangible ways, humbling ourselves to the lowest place, giving up our comfort, money, time, pride for the sake of others. remember, the word of God became flesh, and that is what He did.

i think when we are honest what we really want is to be spoonfed spiritual milk and are terrified of true, tasty, Jesus steaks. most of the people i have been around through the years who demand “meat” are great, sincere believers. but usually their expressed desire for “meat” is actually them running for the safety of others who are more socially acceptable and sound more godly.

you see, the church has contaminated our taste buds. we have been taught to think that “spiritual” must include Bible knowledge, certainty, teaching, a touch of shame (and healing that looks like good behavior) so we keep seeking after it, church after church, Bible study after Bible study. but honestly, what it seems like to me is that people keep learning but never really apply much. we’re lonely but we never connect. we keep slipping in and out of services but never engage with a hurting person beyond “hi, nice to meet you.” we keep going to Bible studies & church meetings & services & prayer times hoping we’ll become more like Jesus and end up insulating ourselves more and more from the very places Jesus always was hanging out.

so here’s my soapbox mantra for the past 5 years or so, everytime I hear someone demand “meat”….“okay, no problem, look around. i see freezer after freezer full of it.”

reach out to someone in need no matter how messy it seems. help the poor. sacrifice your time and money. restore a broken relationship. love the outcast, especially the person that bugs the hell out of you. spend the time you waste watching TV investing in a person, no matter how young or old. stop nagging your spouse and change your behavior. serve someone else. open your home to others. force yourself to do something uncomfortable. get your head around the reality that you’re just as messed up as ‘those people’. humble yourself and let another person into your life. stay in a friendship for the long haul instead of running away.

and here’s what i believe usually happens next—never directly, always subtly—“nah, that kind of meat, i can do without. when does the next Bible study start?”

our taste buds have been contaminated. Jesus’ ways sometimes don’t initially taste too good going down. but for me, i have to say, nothing’s better than the aftertaste– the quiet moments when I notice where God’s spirit worked, what He is teaching me about me, life, humanity in the midst, and the beauty in the ugliness.

i know a lot of people think that at the refuge we are drinking milk. it sure tastes like steak to me.

wrestling with the word “christian” – a video conversation

Posted on Feb 8, 2010 in fundamentalism, just because i thought it was fun, video convos | 96 comments

well, i’m going to take a risk here and mix it up a bit. sometimes i think just-words-week-after-week-after-week get boring so i’d like to try some different textures on the carnival this year. i’m going to experiment with video here and there, nothing edited or flashy or scripted; i definitely don’t have the time or energy for that. i’ll admit, it feels kind of risky. video makes me much more vulnerable out here in the scary & often kind of weird world-wide-web. it could be a disaster, who knows, but i thought i’d be brave and just try it.

i think sometimes it’s nice to listen in some others’ dialogue here and there to spark greater conversation & thought. my friend john is one of my all-time favorite-people-to-talk-about-all-of-these-kinds-of-faith-things with. he and his wife are part of our nutty little community & two of jose & i’s dearest friends; we spend a lot of time all over the map in conversations related to faith and life; every time we are together 3 or 4 hours seems like one. he is a good pot-stirrer, not afraid to tell it like he sees it. depending on how this goes, i’d love to get some more of these conversations with him & others up here now and then. he says out loud what a lot of people are starting to say in the quiet of their heart or in covert conversations at coffee shops & pubs. so, here you go, a little unscripted unpredictable convo at my kitchen table.

watch it & share some of your thoughts, perspectives & questions & what it might stir up in you. there are no right or wrong answers here, just opinions & perspectives. only rule is be kind.

out of the darkness: never underestimate the damage of spiritual abuse.

Posted on Nov 5, 2009 in fundamentalism, out of the darkness | 21 comments

if there’s one thing that really pisses me off in this world it’s abuse. to me, abuse is when people use their power, authority, position, or strength in unhealthy damaging ways to control, harm, manipulate, and use people. abuse strips people of dignity. it confuses and hurts. it messes with our heads. it crosses socioeconomic and cultural boundaries and is far more prevalent than any of us probably know. and while i often speak of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, one other form of abuse (which i would probably place in the “emotional” category) is spiritual abuse. so many have been harmed by messed-up church systems where power & control overtook a sincere desire to serve God and be part of christian community. i hear story after story of weird church experiences, and the theme always seems to be the same: sincere dear Christ-followers get sucked into an unhealthy, power-driven, unsafe system and somehow end up hurt and with their faith damaged.

for those of you new to the carnival, this past summer i did a series of interview called “out of the darkness” where friends of mine shared their real story. you can see a list of posts in this series here. i have wanted to include this one for a while and am thankful for my friend claire* who was willing to bravely share her experiences of emerging from the ravages of spiritual abuse. she is smart, talented, powerful, kind, and extremely loyal. she entered into a community looking for family and a place to live out her devotion to God and when she started asking questions and wrestling with her faith, ended up seeing how unsafe and unhealthy the whole thing really was. she’s “out” now but is still healing from the damage. i am privileged to know her and see God redeeming this experience in amazing ways. as you read, remember there are all kinds of degrees of spiritual abuse–some more severe than others. notice what parts you or someone you know might connect with.

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share a little bit about your family, educational, spiritual background & how you ended up in a spiritually abusive church.

I was an only-child to a single mom, who raised me by herself until she met my step-dad when I was 10. They were both self-described atheists and very much lived the “just be a good person” doctrine. When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer, which started my spiritual quest for the meaning of it all. A friend invited me to Young Life, and over time, I became a solidly evangelical believer at 17. I was very determined to be “Super Christian” and was asked to be a junior high leader three months later, which further magnified my need to get a solid handle on this new faith. I read and listened to everything I could get my hands on, as I felt like I needed to “catch up” to my friends who got to grow up knowing what I was just then learning.

I went out of state to college and made sure that my first priority was to find a mega-church to plug into, becoming an integral part of the college group. I was also a Young Life leader, ran discipleship groups through college and graduate school, and later went to seminary to pursue a career in Christian counseling. My mom died the summer before I graduated from college; her death became a pivotal part of my spiritual and emotional journey. My step-dad soon left the family picture out of his own grief, and I found myself alone in another state at 22 and confused on many levels. I was so vulnerable and longed to be part of a “family.”

describe what drew you to the church you ended up having to leave. what kept you there initially?

Several months after my mom died, a new girl at work invited me to come to her church. She described it as more like a family than a church, and something hopeful sparked inside my heart. Instantly upon my arrival, I was both literally and figuratively embraced and the desire to matter was soon quenched. I therefore consciously ignored over time the theological alarms regarding the church’s beliefs, as it became easy to rationalize almost anything if enough love was thrown into the mix.

For the six years that I was a part, I honestly learned how to be an authentic Christian, how to let myself be loved, and to work through deep wounds. However, the painful flip-side of the truth is that there were more secret interactions that happened behind the scenes that darken many of those good memories.

what were some of the dynamics that you experienced, some of the “standard practices” in the community?

From the pulpit and in relationship, it was often relayed that God communicated prophetically to the senior pastor or to other leaders in the church. The pastor would say things such as, “Claire, the Holy Spirit showed me a vivid picture of your life, and He wants you to know that it is dangerous to run away from the mantle of authority that He has placed you under.” It was the ultimate trump card; how do you disagree with that?! While things were said that made me raise an internal eyebrow, the culture subtly sent a message that no one should verbally express any concern over these types of statements, lest we be accused of a “spirit of disunity” or having unresolved authority issues. Different friends outside the church started to express concern that I was a part of a cult, as my own opinion became less important than the need to submit. I dismissed their concern, as the family void screamed louder than all logic.

did you have some moments where you were like “hmm, something doesn’t feel quite right here?” what did you do with those feelings?

I was the only one at seminary that went to a more charismatic church, and I attributed my discomfort to basic theological differences. In actuality, I did ascribe more to the evangelical way of thought, but I wanted the real life community that I was experiencing. I always wanted something more with my life, and it sort of felt like I was getting that. One of the things that I heard often was that a pastor could sense “the spirit of death” attached to me, as I was told that it would be my “thorn in the side” and always an issue. This meant that if the “spirit of death” was present, I could be instantly plucked from whatever I was doing in church or an event, as I could potentially be a hazard to myself or others unknowingly. While many of the teachings of the church did not completely resonate with me, I told myself that many things of the spirit could not be understood. I stuffed them into an incredibly deep place and told myself constantly that I loved the people, and so I could trust that it was really my unnecessary doubts that were causing my inhibitions.

can you share some of the specific words/phrases/ways-of-manipulating that were passed on to you?

While there were so many subtle ways of the abuse of power, two particularly poignant ways come to mind. One of the biggest ways was through eye contact; it was made very clear that an infraction of any measure resulted in a need to avert one’s eyes. The verse that was used was “I will set before my eyes no vile thing.” Psalm 101:3. A small group leader would often have a conversation about how it was important to look at each other authentically and with pure eyes.

Once I got in specific “trouble” when, casually over coffee, I was letting my small group leader–who was a mentor to me–know more about my private world. I shared with her that I was writing a letter to my mom (who had died 3 years prior) about things left unsaid, and how my heart was broken. She then proceeded to later tell the senior pastor that I was, in fact, talking to spirits, which meant that I had committed an infraction. He told me in his office that if I was ever found to be communicating with the dead again, I would no longer be able to teach my Sunday School class. He then prayed that the “spirit of death” would be lifted off of me. I was also informed that I had to work out my sin with God and would be advised as when I could clearly make eye contact with my leaders again. If there was an infraction, it would be either directly or indirectly stated that as a transparent community, we needed to look at each other only with honest hearts. Even now, I sometimes feel myself look away or reflect later that I didn’t make eye contact, out of fear of not being exactly “right” in relationship. I am working very hard on purging that issue out of my system entirely

you are an educated, extremely smart woman. i know some people might be asking, “how come you didn’t just go “this is crap” and go find another place to go?” help others understand how easy that is to say and much harder to do when you are in it.

That is one of the absolute hardest pieces for me to reconcile, the fact that that I did buy in for so long, too long. I am so full of passion, and I have always wanted to make lasting impact with everything I do, especially as a believer. I felt as if my partnership in the church was my responsibility to make a real difference in relationships. I had become disillusioned with “playing church”, and I really thought that I had arrived at a place that did the real thing. The community component was unlike anything I had ever seen, and it made sense to me more in my heart than in my head. Once things started to seem off to me, I think I was in too deep to see the truth from a clear perspective. My emotional need to be connected to a “family” far superseded my intellectual apprehensions.

when did something significantly shift in your heart, where you knew “i can’t be part of this anymore.”

There were many smaller moments that shifted over the last year there, but a specific time does stand out. A clear moment was when the youth pastor and I took the high school kids to a conference. I was listening to some of the things/phrases specific to our church that he was telling our youth group on the way to the center, and it made my stomach turn. He was telling them that they needed to make sure to not “open their ears up to deceit” and to the “ways of the flesh” as this internationally known conference was not put on by our church. I was so very bothered that we were literally instructing our kids to not even listen to other Christians that did not believe the exact same way. As I sat there in the conference, I decided that I could not morally reconcile being a representative to a younger generation when I no longer believed in the practices of the church.

what happened after you left? what were some of the ramifications of your decision?

I was not sure how to “leave”, as the church had become my family and many of my main relationships. I was pulling back from as much involvement, but I was still as committed to the families and friends there as when I did buy in. One day, the associate pastor, whom I was close to, called me at work to ask about my lack of regular attendance at small group. I confided that I was thinking about checking out another church. That is when his tone–and my world–changed.

He then started a rapid fire succession of questions, asking if the NEW church knew about my past abuse as a kid, if they would love me as much as this church did, if they were spirit-led, or if I knew what it was like to live without a spiritual covering? He said that in order to leave the church, I would need to get permission from the senior pastor, as he would have to give me a specific blessing. I adamantly refused, and he stated,“Then be prepared to deal with the consequences” and hung up.

I then received a call from the family that I was the closest with, the one that I had been on vacation with the month prior. She stated, “We no longer trust you, if you are not a part of the church any longer.” I then received the same message via e-mail about ten times from other families that day. I was beyond devastated, to say in the least.

what has your journey been like since? what are you learning about yourself, God, “the church” as a result of your exit?

The beautiful thing about The Refuge is that it is very clear that the love in our community has absolutely nothing to do with a theological, political, or emotional state; it is completely personal. I am completely confident that if I woke up one day either believing something different or thought a different way about any spiritual issue, it would not matter one bit. I would still be loved as Claire, because of who I am, and not what God is working out in and through me. My hope has been restored for church, as I am part of a hope in action for a faith community.

As for me, I am learning how strong my voice is again, leaning into trusting my heart. I am seeing how not having to have the answers is actually the wisest that I have ever been. For years, I suppressed the real Claire that is both a woman and a leader and developed a fear of my strength. I always felt guilty for being annoyed at the “submissive woman” construct, and I am now allowing myself the freedom to emerge from under that idea entirely. I am experiencing how deeply I am cared for by God, when for the longest time I thought I had been forgotten in the shuffle. The amazing circumstances that led me to where I am now, especially physically, point to a God who is paying serious attention to details of my life (and I didn’t need someone else to tell me what God was saying).

now you are “re-entering” christian community again; what freaks the hell out of you? what is bringing you hope?

It freaks the hell out of me to accidentally say or do the wrong thing and find myself reeling from a blow. For example, once as a church leader at a youth camp, I joked that the rec room looked like a water bottle cemetery. The pastor’s wife took me aside and literally reamed me for saying such an inappropriate thing, stated that I had a “spirit of defiance” and that I was communicating towards the youth a dangerous flippancy towards death. Now it seems ridiculous, but at the time, I was so scared of falling out of good graces that I quietly obliged.

It makes it a lot easier that The Refuge is so incredibly safe, and that even bigger things, like difference of opinion on theological or political issues, are handled so diplomatically. I am confident that I made the right decision where I have landed, but I still feel the urge to run away. Old doubts about letting myself feel too connected–and therefore too vulnerable–have re-surfaced. It is bringing me hope that I could be in a place where my gifts could be used, my voice could be heard, and I would have the freedom to “be” without the confines of some arbitrary authority) I feel smarter, stronger, and more aware of my own baggage that I am bringing to the table, and that offers a sense of freedom.

what words of hope do you have for others out there who have “left” and are lonely, scared, and confused?

I would say that it is important to trust the process, as there really is life in the “in between.” I was horrified at the thought of living in the balance of nothing–no church, a bruised faith, a wounded heart, and a lack of real “direction”. However, it was that very journey that led me to where I am now, and there was no real “map” assisting with my spiritual destination.

anything else you’d like to add?

What has been the most healing for me is to find safe people to talk with about the inner details of my journey. It is one thing to listen to another sharing pain, but it is so humbling–and ultimately very healing–to allow yourself to share the vulnerabilities in your life and find you’re really not alone, or ungodly, or “unfit” for leadership just because you struggle.

* * * * *

thank you, claire, for your honesty and courage to “get out” of an unsafe system and find hope again. the church of Jesus Christ is supposed to be the free-est, least oppressive place on earth. it is a travesty that so many have used the name of God to control, oppress, and keep people in the fold. may those “stuck” find the courage they need to get out and find freedom, hope, and their voice again (or maybe for the first time).

assuming is dangerous

Posted on Aug 5, 2008 in church stuff, fundamentalism, rants | 31 comments

well i had some other thoughts mulling around in my mind that will come later this week but i couldn’t resist sharing a different one today after a few emails i received last night that got me all riled up. i have friends all over the map when it comes to politics, religion, socioeconomics, age, you name it. i love it, diversity is one of my favorite things, but i realized something yesterday that really bugged me–the assumption people make that since i am on their “email distribution list” i must agree politically with them & appreciate their icky anti-obama emails. i’ve gotten a few here and there over the past few weeks, but last night before i was hitting the hay two of them were in my inbox, and i think the double whammy just pushed me over the edge. i usually hit delete but i decided to send back these replies:

hey ______, thanks for the email. i know there are lots of people against obama but i’m not one of them. i really don’t like emails like this that slam someone when we don’t know the whole story. i wouldn’t like them about john mccain, either, just saying thanks for taking me off any political email lists you send. hope you are good, kathy

hey _____, i understand if you are against obama, but i am not really sure i appreciate the spirit of this email and the assumption that this is true. i love to hear from you always but don’t want to get stuff related to anti-obama, it doesn’t feel good and i never, ever get anything kicking john mccain around like this. that wouldn’t feel too good either. thanks, kathy

i am not sure if these responses were right or wrong, i am sure i could have worded them better in all kinds of ways & you can probably pick them apart. but, hey, it was midnight & i was just glad i didn’t hit delete this time. these people are not close personal friends that i ever see or hang out with, so it’s not likely i will be sitting across the table having a conversation about it. all’s i know is an automatic assumption is made that because i am a christian i must be voting for mccain & am not into obama. (this came on the heels of being at a coffee shop yesterday next to the christian school my kids used to attend; i ran into a parent from the school & church who started talking about politics & religion and 100%-without-a-doubt assumed that i see things exactly like she did (she is a kind person, i am just pretty sure it never crossed her mind that i could possibly see things differently as a “christian”).

assuming is dangerous. i think we do it all the time in weird ways and it would serve us well as christians, as people, to be very careful about it. i am not just pointing the finger. i do it, too, but i am trying to become more aware of it because it can be hurtful, rude, insensitive, judgemental, and unloving.

here are some of the things i have seen first-hand that we, as christians, make some dangerous assumptions about:

politics – enough said on that one. every christian is not a republican and every democrat is not immoral, anti-military, anti-american.

homosexuality – people sometimes assume that no one in a group or situation actually is or used to struggle with it. some think that all christians must believe it’s the worst possible sin next to murder & one of our nation’s (& church’s) top priorities. a few months ago someone with a very conservative faith experience was over for a visit with another friend. in response to my comments about the big shifts in christianity currently underway he said: “the only problem is that so many churches have become so liberal that they actually embrace homosexuals.” umm, yeah, not a good moment. especially when my dear friend who happens to be lesbian was in the next room doing her laundry at my house like she does every week. i did my best to be kind & honest & understanding and didn’t completely freak out in the moment (although i was on the verge) because i know that is just a prevalent teaching in the church culture he comes from. (praise God jose was there, too, and sort of neutralized my potential craziness!). trust me, though, i lost it when he left & couldn’t stop crying for some reason and jose, my friend, and i processed it for a while afterward. it rattled me more than i can say, i think because it somehow violated the safety of my house. all because of some weird assumption that because i am a christian (and maybe a “pastor” on top of it) that i would certainly 100% agree with that statement. it took no consideration that maybe he was talking about my child, my brother or sister, the person he just met, me, jose, you name it. it is dangerous to assume.

mental illness & depression – in any given room, more people than we think probably struggle with it in some shape or form and are on meds for it. just because we don’t doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t.

abortion - well, i have been honest about this one, how horrible it feels when people start going off on the issue without any respect for the reality that a huge number of women (and men of course, too) have this in their experience. it perpetuates the shame & ugliness & keeps people in hiding (for good reason, insensitive remarks give us good data that it’s not safe to share!)

struggles with porn, drugs, alcohol, food - same thing, i have been in moments where people go “well, ya know, those people who are addicted to pornography….” again, you just never know who is in the throes of their struggle & what it does inside when people are talking about you with shame & judgement attached in the most insensitive of ways.

money – no doubt, we can never know what’s going on for a person related to money. i know plenty of single mommies who are well put together & go to work every day and live below the poverty level. i know other people who live in nice houses they are probably going to lose soon. we just can’t assume we know where people are at on this one. another thing that always bugs me in churches is when they charge for things and just assume people can pay. yeah, to me $10 is no big deal but to another friend it is food for a few days. i don’t have any problem asking, i just think we should be so careful about assuming that that just because we can, others can.

kids - sort of the same thing. those married with kids doing our thing need to understand & respect that there are people who can’t, never will, and what that might feel like.

bible knowledge & language & being into God – okay this is my last one, there are all kinds of people who don’t know stories of the bible or the language we christians toss around like it’s nothing. i am in a community of straight shooters & someone from the refuge said something to me a while back that i will never forget: “just so you know, i resent it when you go ‘well, you all know the story of david…’ and i am like ‘well, um, no i actually don’t’. please don’t assume just because you know, i know.” umm, yeah, i am with some really cool people who are willing to call a spade a spade! at the same time, worship, sermons, oh all kinds of conversations assume that people are actually “into God, love him, like him, even.” that is so not so many people’s current experience & i think we need to try to take into account that all kinds of people “in and around church” are pissed off at God & are feeling guilty & confused about it. i want to continue to develop sharper eyes & ears to what God platitudes must feel like for my friend who just lost a child or is beginning to be honest about sexual abuse or just filed bankruptcy.

oh these are just the ones off the top of my head. i know there are so many more you can add. please know this: i don’t think we can be totally politically spiritually emotionally “correct” all the time, that would be way too exhausting. i say stupid things all the time with no harm intended & constantly need grace, grace & more grace.

but my point is that we need to be very careful about making assumptions & applying our experience to everyone else’s. it is precarious ground & i just think we need to be aware of it, that’s all. some of have heard the old adage: ”we all know what assuming does. it makes an ass out of u and me!”

yeah, assuming is dangerous.

no more lepers

Posted on May 1, 2008 in dreams, fundamentalism, healing, spiritual formation, the refuge | 18 comments

“if you judge people you have no time to love them” – mother teresa

“let he who is without sin cast the first stone” – Jesus

one of my favorite passages of scripture is in john 8, where Jesus protects a woman from the justice-seeking crowd by radically turning the tables on them, calling them to look at their own lives before they past judgment on hers. and he sure doesn’t mince words. the motto at our wednesday night house of refuge is “no stones thrown here.” i am so tired of stone-throwing, of certain people thinking that it’s their responsibility to make sure that “God’s truth” gets told that they’re willing to lob big ol’ stones all the time without any care or concern for the person getting pummelled. (i am openly confessing here, too, that i can be a big stone-thrower myself when it comes to legalism. please know i’m working on it. it’s hard to speak my opinions honestly & not be judgmental and rude at the same time, so know that i am not unaware of how i can sometimes cross the line and am in constant need of God’s grace.) however, i am deeply committed to advocating for the voiceless, the underdog, the powerless, and so this means that sometimes i speak directly about my current opinions on certain issues (note, they are just my opinions, i am not saying 100% i am right and also that i use the word “current”).

i do believe wholeheartedly that there are two big issues that conservative christians have decided to zone in on–abortion & homosexuality. i know all about “the slippery slope” and that christians and nonchristians alike are all over the map on these issues. but what happens so often is in all of the conversation about morality & who’s right and who’s wrong, we lose sight of the most important thing–the person. the people who know what it feels like to be the woman caught in adultery with mean people perched with stones in-hand. people, real people, deserving of dignity, love, care, mercy, and safe community, just like everyone else in this world. i love what jim henderson from off the map has said: ”once we’re in relationship with people who are different from us it changes everything.” you see, it’s easy to judge an idea, a concept, a doctrine when it doesn’t hit close to home. but what about when stones are getting lobbed at your friend, your daughter, your son, your sister, your brother, your co-worker, your neighbor? what if you got to know up close and personal someone radically different than you and discovered that pretty much you’re just the same–strugglers on the journey trying to figure out how to love, be loved? what if you quit defining & elevating sin and spent that energy on loving?

jonathan brink recently wrote a post called the new lepers that is worth reading (and is much shorter than this, ha!). homosexuals are the new lepers in the church. it makes me so sad, thinking about how much dignity has been stripped through the actions of well-meaning christians. i am tired of truth always trumping grace. anyway, i play a good deal of clean-up-after-the-mean-people and i feel privileged to do it. i spend a lot of time apologizing for others’ behavior in the name of “christian truth.” it disturbs me that Jesus–lover of all people, especially the outcasts, untouchables–has become associated with being the one who won’t touch certain people unless they clean up their act. anyway, i have no desire to argue theology or scripture verses or any of the other things that get thrown into this argument. what i care about is being people willing to love all people, period. there should be no lepers in the church of Jesus Christ. period. it is time for us to be less afraid of our differences and notice just how deep our prejudices and fears really go.

one way to do this is to hear a former leper-in-the-church’s heart. so i asked my dear friend, who is courageous, beautiful, smart, and gay, to share a little bit of her past & recent journey. i thought it was important to not hear hear my heart on her behalf, but to hear directly from hers. she is making herself vulnerable & trust me, i am like a mama bear when it comes to my friends. but we talked together about taking this risk because we think it’s so important to hear a bit of what it feels like to be a leper, an outcast, a “less than” not just in school, families, but most of all the church. and maybe, just maybe, it will help us remember how careful we must be to not throw stones and rob our brothers, our sisters, our friends on the journey of dignity, hope, love…how necessary safe loving communities really are.

listen to what she has to say….

how did your family respond when they found out you were gay?

good question. i wish i knew what their initial reaction was, but since I wasn’t the one that told them, i don’t know. i came out at age 15, and for the next year and a half my dad and step-mom never said anything about it to me. they knew, and i knew that they knew, but we did not discuss it. we avoided each other mostly, we did not talk and we did not appear in public together. no one really knew who my family was because they never went out in public with me. then after about the 2nd year I wrote them a note telling them how sick i was of pretending that everything was all hunky dory and that I wanted to know what they thought. so, that night they sat me down and told me that they thought that i was disgusting and a disappointment and that i was going to hell. they said that they were embarrassed of me and that if my grandfather, step-mom’s dad, were alive he would be totally disappointed in me. i was demolished, the people who were supposed to love and support me no matter what had joined in my ridicule. my brother totally disowned me and still does to this day. my mom had a halfway positive reaction. her best friend from high-school had dated girls for 3-4 years. after the first year or so though, she started doing the bible thumping too, so i stopped talking to her as well. my step-dad made fun of me from day one, but we never had a healthy relationship, so his opinion did not amount to much with me. my aunt (dad’s sister), her husband, my uncle (dad’s brother), and grandfather (dad’s dad), never turned away from me. i think it was their support that got me through high school. they came to my soccer games and marching band shows when my parents would not.

what did you long for them to do or say?

my whole life i have wanted my parents, all of them, any of them, to tell me that they were proud of me and what I have accomplished. i want to have them claim me in public as their daughter and to tell me that they love me. my dad has only told me that he loved me one time my entire life, and that’s when he thought that i might go to Iraq. my mom and i talk now and i have spent time with her in the last few years. we get along much better now and she tells me that she loves me every time i talk to her. neither of them has ever said that they were proud of me, and i’ve never asked because i would be horrified if they said no.

what kind of rejection have you experienced in school? in your family? in the church? what has that looked like?

the rejection was the hardest part. in high school i was very well known as “the gay girl.” everyone knew who i was, but few really knew me. i could probably count on one hand how many friends i had. real friends anyways. it was hard. i had to grow really thick skin. people were always calling me names and making fun of me. even some of the teachers supported the things that were said and done to me. my 11th and 12th grade english teacher was the worst. her husband was a pastor, and she discriminated against me horribly. she refused to post up a few of my writing assignments because I had referenced being gay in them, and she didn’t think they were appropriate. by the time I graduated my senior year one other girl had come out and we were the only two people in the school to receive poor grades on our senior projects. our english teacher had graded them. i was kicked out of class once for defending myself as one of the boys in my class made fun of me. high school mostly sucked for me. i had a few friends, mostly from band and soccer, and a few others, but not many. as far as my family, like i said, i didn’t really have much of one in school. now, it’s somewhat better, but my dad and step-mom still don’t talk about it, and we don’t talk very often. my uncles and aunt and grandfather still get along great. the church; that was a bad experience all the way around. i went from going to church every sunday and teaching vacation bible school every summer to not going at all in about a month. it was really hard for me because one of my best friends since like 6th grade went to church with me and it was like overnight she didn’t know who i was. she would not even acknowledge me at school. my brother’s best friend was our pastor’s son, which is how my parents found out that i was gay in the first place. we all went to the same school, he had told his mom, and she told my step-mom. when i went to church it was an awful experience. people would stare at me and whisper. they would point and laugh. it was humiliating. i didn’t even sit with my own family. i felt very unwelcome. i eventually just stopped going. i was easier for me because I could be alone in my house for a few hours without being holed up in my room by myself.

what’s the ugliest thing someone who called themselves a christian has said to you?

well, i’ve obviously heard the whole going straight to hell line a million times. i have been told that there are camps and places for people like me to go get the gay cast out of me. i‘ve been told that if i were a stronger Christian that i could restrain the homosexual urges. lots of really thoughtless, hypocritical things like that. once a guy came up to me at a gas station and started trying to touch me and started praying to mary to cast the demons out of my body…that was weird.

what has your experience been with religion, church?

i struggled with religion a lot. for a long time i didn’t know how much or how little i believed in God. i was mad and angry at God for letting this happen to me. i was hurt so deeply by my family and so called friends. i had so much pain inside me that i didn’t know what to do with. i thought that if God really loved me that he wouldn’t have let this happen to me. eventually i realized that it was my family that i was so hurt by and that God hadn’t turned away from me, i had turned away from him. i also realized that I hadn’t lost faith in God, but that i had lost faith in unconditional love and trusting others. it hurt so much that i didn’t want to trust God, but i did. he was the only one i had for a long time; i just didn’t realize it for a while. as far as the church was concerned, it’s horrible to say, but it scared the hell out of me. after my dad’s church, i thought that every church would treat me the way that they had. i was resentful towards them and i hadn’t been to a church until last year when I was finally coerced into coming to the refuge. i was scared at first, and I’m still growing, but i know that no one here would treat me the way that i was treated before.

why has the “church” felt unsafe to you? what are you afraid of?

the church has felt unsafe because of my past; the judgment, the ridicule, the hypocrisy. i put up a lot of walls to protect myself in the past. that thick skin that I grew is hard to peel away at. i am gaining more trust in the small circle that i am in now. i feel like no matter what i say, they won’t laugh at me unless it’s supposed to be funny and that feels good. i still get a little weird when new people come into the group and i don’t know them very well. it takes me a little while to trust people, but i am growing and learning, not just about others, but also about myself. it’s a work in progress, but progress no less.

what do you long for others to understand about you?

i want others to know that i am human too. i have feelings and hopes and dreams just like everyone else. want others to realize that being gay or bisexual or whatever is not a disease. we aren’t horrible people. we are normal people just like you, we love just like you do. i want others to realize that being gay is not who i am. being gay is a part of me, it does not make me who I am. i am a child of God first, human second, and i happen to be gay. my blood runs red too.

what scared you about starting to hang around “christians” again?

i was scared when i first came to the refuge because i didn’t know anything at all about it. i was horrified at the idea of going through all of that pain again. i held back a lot at first and only talked if i had to and when i did it was only part truths. i felt like no one would like me if they knew that i was gay. i felt like it was written on my forehead like a scarlet letter. it was hard to take that first step, but after i did and i got to know a few people it got easier and easier. i still think that i do better in small groups though.

what is shifting in you through being with a safe community?

i have felt myself grow over the past year. i have grown closer with the people in the group that i am in some more than others. it’s nice to have that consistency in my life. to know that no matter what on wednesday night i can go there and vent and laugh and feel safe and have a good time. i feel like I’m at a point now where i want them to know my story so i recently really shared it. i want them to know the real, exposed, not perfect, raw and in person side of me. i am reading “changes that heal” right now and it has shown me a lot in the past few weeks. i have grown so much in such a short amount of time. i feel like i know myself better and that my “family” should also have that chance.

what has been the most helpful and healing thing on your spiritual journey so far?

i think the one thing that has helped me is how diverse our group is. we have people from all walks of life who have been through and experienced so many things. if one person hasn’t felt something or done something there is almost always someone who has. i feel safer knowing that they are all as messed up in their lives as i am and that they are not going to judge me for the things that i have been through and done. it’s a great feeling to know that you are not alone in your struggle, no matter what the demon is.

if you could tell christians a thing or two to consider about their response to homosexuals, what would you say?

you know what, Jesus didn’t throw any stones, so why should you? you don’t truly know a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, and hypocrisy is a sin too. if you take the time to get to know me you will find that i am much more than a homosexual. i am a hard worker, i am a good friend, i am smart and funny and strong. i am. not the great I AM, but i am.

thanks, my friend.

i will never know what it feels like to be gay. but what i do know is that we have to reckon with our biases, the verses & thoughts programmed into our heads and our hearts about “those people” (whoever “those people-not-like-us” happen to be) and learn to understand that in the kingdom of God the playing field is leveled. and in the here and now, we really need to learn to all be together–men, women, gay, straight, young, old, black, white, brown, rich, poor, christian, non-christian, sick, healthy, you name it. we don’t have to all agree, but we have to learn to be together. to learn from each other. to love each other well, to bump up against our man-made (& religion-made) barriers & let God work in our hearts in ways that might need working. i heard they found a medical cure for leprosy. i think there’s a spiritual cure, too, and it’s available to all of us, we’re just afraid to apply it. it’s called unconditional love.