rants
meat lovers beware! our taste buds have been contaminated
i originally wrote this post for the refuge blog in october 2007. when i was looking at a few old posts this week i stumbled across it and thought i’d repost it because most everyone here has never read it. it’s almost 3 years later and even though i am rarely around people who ask for more meat, i hear it now and then when i intersect with people in passing. they’ll declare, “oh, i really love this pastor because he really gives us meat!” and i always get in my car, chuckle a little bit, and think “um, yeah, sorry, but that’s not what he’s giving you…” enjoy. as always, would love to hear your thoughts!
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“i want some meat!”“i wish we could get more meat!”“we really need more meat!”
i know those of you who are struggling to buy groceries are thinking the same thing. but i’m talking about a different kind of meat that has nothing to do with grocery stores but everything to do with church. i have heard the cry for “meat” within the church ever since i became a true-blue evangelical church-going christian. when i entered into a season of spiritual and emotional healing about 14 years ago I remember demanding it myself. things started getting a little intense in my women’s group (people were really sharing honestly from their heart, not holding back, going the distance instead of faking it) and i told my group leader “i really wish we used the Bible more in here, i really want more meat! i really want to grow…” (i am now of course so embarrassed that I said this & after having seen the light a few years later confessed to her for not recognizing then that what we were doing in that little group was far more than just some stupid slab of spiritual meat—it was actually the whole cow!). but i was not alone in this kind of thinking. i hear it all the time, although now it is like nails on a chalkboard to me, maybe even like all of my children’s nails on a chalkboard all at once. and as you all know that is a lot of fingernails!
here’s what i think people mean by “meat.”
1. “Bible knowledge” – as in scripture verses and telling us exactly what they are supposed to mean. the more the better. a little bit of hebrew or greek translation adds the perfect spice.
2. “teaching” – teachers telling people what they think they need to learn or know in a very specific clear way so that we feel like we got a “lesson”, something motivating.
3. “certainty” – these are the facts and we are 100% certain that’s what this means and on top of that we are certain this is what you are supposed to do with this knowledge, too.
4. “a touch of shame” – some kind of moment that gets created when you think “now I’ll try harder….I need to be more godly…I am convicted and now this week I will get rid of that sin for good.”
while none of those things are inherently “wrong” what gets to me about all of them is they are sort of irrelevant to the gospel of Jesus. in fact, he said over and over to the religious leaders who had these 4 things mastered up and down, backwards & forwards, “ummm, guys, you are missing the point. here’s all that you need to do—be like me.” he didn’t say “go to a room, feed your belly with knowledge, get inspired and go home feeling spiritually fat.” he said, “hang out with the outcasts, the losers, the nonreligious, the prostitutues, the sick (oh, and by the way, that means you), get in touch with your brokenness & need for me and practice the way of self-sacrifice, generosity of spirit, humility and love. yes, my friends, this is what will change the world.”
i love the Bible. i think scripture can be transforming. but i also believe we have dismissed that true spiritual maturity is a life of serving others in tangible ways, humbling ourselves to the lowest place, giving up our comfort, money, time, pride for the sake of others. remember, the word of God became flesh, and that is what He did.
i think when we are honest what we really want is to be spoonfed spiritual milk and are terrified of true, tasty, Jesus steaks. most of the people i have been around through the years who demand “meat” are great, sincere believers. but usually their expressed desire for “meat” is actually them running for the safety of others who are more socially acceptable and sound more godly.
you see, the church has contaminated our taste buds. we have been taught to think that “spiritual” must include Bible knowledge, certainty, teaching, a touch of shame (and healing that looks like good behavior) so we keep seeking after it, church after church, Bible study after Bible study. but honestly, what it seems like to me is that people keep learning but never really apply much. we’re lonely but we never connect. we keep slipping in and out of services but never engage with a hurting person beyond “hi, nice to meet you.” we keep going to Bible studies & church meetings & services & prayer times hoping we’ll become more like Jesus and end up insulating ourselves more and more from the very places Jesus always was hanging out.
so here’s my soapbox mantra for the past 5 years or so, everytime I hear someone demand “meat”….“okay, no problem, look around. i see freezer after freezer full of it.”
reach out to someone in need no matter how messy it seems. help the poor. sacrifice your time and money. restore a broken relationship. love the outcast, especially the person that bugs the hell out of you. spend the time you waste watching TV investing in a person, no matter how young or old. stop nagging your spouse and change your behavior. serve someone else. open your home to others. force yourself to do something uncomfortable. get your head around the reality that you’re just as messed up as ‘those people’. humble yourself and let another person into your life. stay in a friendship for the long haul instead of running away.
and here’s what i believe usually happens next—never directly, always subtly—“nah, that kind of meat, i can do without. when does the next Bible study start?”
our taste buds have been contaminated. Jesus’ ways sometimes don’t initially taste too good going down. but for me, i have to say, nothing’s better than the aftertaste– the quiet moments when I notice where God’s spirit worked, what He is teaching me about me, life, humanity in the midst, and the beauty in the ugliness.
i know a lot of people think that at the refuge we are drinking milk. it sure tastes like steak to me.
Read MoreJesus & “excellence”
every so often i start to feel a little bad about some of the things that i write because i know it can be mis-perceived as a continual negativity toward typical church systems. i doubt myself and think “maybe it’s not as bad as i think? maybe i’m exaggerating?” but then i end up in a conversation with a new church planter or an up-and-coming-leader and i am yet again reminded that i’m not crazy and yes, there are some buzz words that are worse than nails on a chalkboard.
“excellence” is one of them.
hey, i’m all for doing a good job, and i’m a perfectionist at heart. but when i read the gospels and see the ministry of Jesus, “excellence” is not a word that i’d connect to him, at least not in the definitions we seem to use.
to most leaders, “excellence” means top-notch, focused, seamless, entertaining, powerful, inspirational, compelling, squared-away, strategic and organized events, gatherings, structures, and teams. and excellence sells. people are strangely drawn to it. the bar keeps getting higher and the need for “excellence” keeps increasing. no one means bad by it, but i also think we need to be aware of how much damage “excellence” can cause to the body of Christ. i really do think it does more harm than good overall. it creates a false sense of what’s really important in the “christian” life. it makes the less-excellent feel less-worthy & valuable. it perpetuates power & strength instead of humility & sacrifice. it feeds egos. it creates an “us and them.” it reflects the culture & not the kingdom.
yet, it’s incredible ability to have permeated typical christian culture should not go unnoticed. the pressure for leaders & churches to “raise their game” and perpetuate excellence can’t be underestimated. the competition is stiff out there & survival of the fittest requires the strongest swimmers to bring it, and bring it hard to “take it to the next level.”
Jesus did not model “excellence”; in fact, in so many ways he is the antithesis of all of the nutty things we build churches on. he chose the oddest, least likely, least qualified people to be in his inner circle, he was completely unpredictable, he continually interacted with the people everyone else looked down on, he was very fuzzy & confusing in much of his communication, teaching in parables. people looked to him to be the triumphant, powerful king, and he ended up hung on a cross instead.
when i think of kingdom values i think of equality, generosity, mercy, sacrifice, justice, freedom. i do not think of “excellence.”
and in fact, i believe that “excellence” gets in the way of so many of these critical values that Jesus spoke about, modeled, and embodied. here’s why:
- “excellence” usually means that the pretty & strong & focused people get to hold all the power. it is more pervasive than any of us think, the subtle ways that we use “the need for excellence” to weed out the second stringers. this means that those who maybe aren’t quite as pretty, don’t have quite as good of voice or musical skills, have skills or talents aren’t quite as evident or useful to the church so often get overlooked. in my opinion, so much dignity gets stripped from people in the name of “excellence.” but Jesus chose the unlovely, the outcast, the ignored, the less-thans, the un-excellent–to speak into their lives, to invite to the table, to be part of the story. not just to tolerate them. not just to throw them a bone. but to restore their dignity and include them in the beautiful tapestry of his ministry. i think we are so afraid to actually do this in churches because the “excellent” people pay the bills.
- “excellence” feeds the consumer mentality that christians demand. i do think people like a good show. they like to be inspired, entertained. they like things to “work.” they don’t want to be too inconvenienced or annoyed. so we create ways to feed that monster. work out the kinks, smooth the road, make “christianity” more accessible for people. to create a “religion” that works. but Jesus, over and over again rallied against feeding religion as-it-worked and perpetuating faulty systems. he didn’t give religious people what they wanted; instead, he turned his energy to connecting with the ones that the religious system ignored. he fed the hungry, the needy, the desperate.
- “excellence” focuses on sacrifice, not mercy. when there’s a focus on excellence, all the energy goes into what we’re doing, what we’re accomplishing, what the results are. when Jesus said he came for the sick, not the healthy, that he desired mercy, not sacrifice, i think he was speaking against our tendency to focus on following the law, the program, the system, the structures, the “healthy.” he called us to and give our energy to mercy & grace instead, to receiving it and passing it on. they’re not mutually exclusive, but i do believe that “excellence” is about the sacrifice of upholding standards that are self-serving, which distract us from receiving and giving mercy. it’s a convenient & noble way to stay safe, protected, and “above” the fray of real authentic relationship in the family of God.
- “excellence” builds churches, not communities. (more on the difference here). i do think that excellence “works.” it will draw people, get butts in seats, and provide an infrastructure. but when the bar is so high, when every little detail is nitpicked to be improved upon, when only the best and the brightest get a shot, when whoever-has-the-power-gets-to-ultimately-decide-what’s-excellent, the average person can’t feel fully part. program supersedes relationship. the weak or the quiet or the contrarians don’t ever feel part. in the gospels, Jesus’ call to us was to model his ways of love–not to build “excellent churches.” and we all know that real love, sacrificial love, in-the-trenches love, love-that-fans-others-still-unknown-giftedness-into-flame is anything but “excellent.” it is messy, tiring, unmeasurable, and hard.
in my lent reflections i have been reminded, yet again, that my ways, the world’s ways, the contemporary church’s ways, are often so counter-cultural to Jesus ways. living in the tension between them is definitely easier said than done.
and i admit it, i sometimes miss “excellence” in the sense i am describing it here (and i’m sure some friends at the refuge probably miss it, too). it’s so much freaking easier to pull off than living in the low places of real people’s experiences, of actually needing to rely on God instead of our skills, of entering into the messy, wild, unknown, unexcellent-and-filled-with-mercy ways of Jesus.
there you go, rant over.
what do you think about the word “excellence” when it comes to church?
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a few links i wanted to pass on:
- at communitas collective, all the contributors are sharing their faith journies in a series called “getting personal.” mine went up yesterday & is called getting personal: a journey toward an undivided life.
- my amazing & talented friend pam has yet another kick-tail post up about missional & practitioners & women at shapevine called missional power
- i really appreciated this post by julie clawson called women, humility & worth
- next weekend i am going up to portland to convergence to hang out with a bunch of my cool-lovely-wise-powerful-supportive friends who are leading, stepping out, dreaming in all kinds of different contexts. i think registration is still open.
- and lastly, since it appears i’m unintentionally on a women-kick in this list of links, check out this video from recycle your faith called missing half of what God has to say. oh how i hope that more and more women & men learn how to work together side-by-side, not just husband & wife, but as true brothers & sisters in Christ. (i also hope that small groups consider buying these videos as excellent discussion starters. they are so good!)
it’s easy to be against health care reform when you have insurance
note: this is part of the august synchroblog focused on christian’s response to health care reform. i haven’t participated in a while, but i thought i’d join in this month. links to other posts on the same topics are below.
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i usually stay away from political topics here on the carnival. once in a while i enter the fray, but on the whole it just isn’t something i focus on here. trust me, though, when i’m across the table from anyone over coffee or food or at some fun party i love to engage in lively dialogue about political b.s.! also, there are some times when i feel a little bit more compelled than others to put my two cents into a conversation because the topic is near and dear to my heart. that’s how it is with issues surrounding health care reform.
i am strongly and adamantly in support of universal health care. i know some of you are cringing right now and that’s fine, we will agree to disagree. we live in one of the wealthiest, most-educated, most christianized, supposedly most sophisticated nations in the world and 46 million people in this country do not have health insurance and access to proper health care. i believe that is wrong.
i also believe it’s easy to be against health care reform when you have insurance. just like it’s also easy to be against gay rights when you don’t have any friends who are homosexual. or rip on illegal immigrants when you’ve never looked one in the eye and seen their fear or heard their story. yeah, it’s also easy to talk about “those lazy people who live off the government” when you don’t know anyone who struggles with mental illness, disabilities, or all kinds of other obstacles to self-sufficiency.
i remember shane claiborne saying something at his jesus for president tour in denver last year that “we vote according to what we see out our front window. “ in other words, when you live in a nice house in the ‘burbs and have a good job & a couple of cars & good health insurance and a 401k plan and can pay your bills, you will tend to vote a certain way. and if you live in a place where there’s reduced rent & not too many running cars, well, you probably see things a little differently.
i live in the ‘burbs. i live in a nice house, have a good education, we can basically pay our bills, and i have never gone a day in my life without health insurance. even though my mom was a single mom, somehow she always had a job with insurance and so i have always had that luxury in my life. a chunk of years ago i would say that most of the people i was around—who were out my front window—were in the same boat as us. i have no idea how they are voting, but my guess it is a little differently than me. you see, now in the world that i live in most of my friends are part of the 46 million. they do not have health insurance. sure, some have medicaid and i can’t tell you how glad i am for that. but a chunk of others are in the category of the “working poor.” they make too much to qualify for federal aid but they work their tails off at jobs that no longer provide health insurance. we all know that the days of great benefits that last forever are over. profit margins are too tight and the first thing to always go are employee benefits, first and foremost medical coverage because it’s so expensive. and because people desperately need jobs they have to—to survive—take jobs without health insurance. then they live hoping & praying they won’t get sick, or that their kid won’t break their arm, or that some how, some way, they might be able to have access to health insurance in their future.
i find it so interesting to hear some of the facebook comments i have seen from conservative christians related to health care reform. things like “why should i have to use my money to pay for those people who won’t get off their butts and work” and “it won’t be long before the US is socialist” and a host of other things that honestly i don’t take the time to even remember. the thing that makes me sad is how a reactionary capitalist mentality has flooded christianity. the mentality of be-prosperous-successful-take-care-of-me-and-my-family-only is more pervasive than we’d like to think.
Jesus calls us to care for the poor, the widowed, the orphaned, the rejected, the oppressed, the unprotected. what this means is we are supposed to give some of ours to help. we are supposed to make sacrifices that we don’t necessarily want to make but are wiling to because Jesus reminds us of that life-here-on-earth-is-not-about-gathering-wealth-and-taking-care-of-only-our-own-needs. it’s about sacrificial love. it’s about taking care of others needs. it’s about seeing gaps and filling them. it’s about humbling ourselves for the sake of others. it’s about offering our coats, our food, our hands and our feet in a tangible way even when it costs us time & money & energy.
i do not want the government to take care of health care for us. i wish that we, as christians, would. that we’d take all the money that we waste on church video screens and building mortgages and big ol’ fat salaries and looking good and feeling good and directly invest it in making sure that in the communities we lived in (beyond just faith communities) there was no one who went without. no one hungry. no one terrified to get sick because they know it will sink them financially. no one carrying the burdens of day-to-day life all on their own. i think that’s the way it’s supposed to be. but that is not the way it is. christians have not stepped in to make it work through private gift giving, and millions of our neighbors suffer terribly. and to be honest, the problem feels so big and the options so few that often we don’t even know where to start. i absolutely hate that we have many friends in the refuge without proper medical insurance. it feels terrible. but we don’t remotely have the $500 a month per person to keep them afloat, and it is a travesty that that is how much it costs.
so meanwhile, i see a potential option, a plan that might help do what is right on behalf of those in need, to offer medical care access for all. as a christ-follower and a good tax-paying citizen with health care insurance, i am willing to give up some of my benefits for my friends. sure, it might mean longer lines, not as good of care here and there, and some other wacky things that i am sure might end up being annoying. but who cares? if it means that my friends can get the treatment they need then bring it on. we’ll get by no matter what. but without medical coverage, others won’t.
when it comes to a christians’ response to health care, my take is that we should be leading the charge. we should share our resources. we should give a rip about our brothers & sisters who do not have what we have. Jesus called us to lay down our lives for our friends and i don’t believe he meant “ friends just like us.” i think he meant friends we might not see outside our living room window. we have a responsibility as Christ-followers to bring the kingdom of God here on earth—now. this means we will need to lay down our lives for others –men, women & children across all shapes & sizes & backgrounds—so that they can live.
God, give us eyes to see, ears to hear, hearts to respond.
ps: i love all of sojourners work in this area. they rock.
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a few other bloggers writing on this topic today:
- K.W. Leslie at The Evening of Kent: Christian’s Responsibility to Healthcare
- Ellen Haroutunain: Christian Perspectives on Health Care
- Steve Hayes at Khanya: Self-evident Truths and Moral Turpitude
- Kimber Caldwell at Convergence: Is Health Care a Right?
- Beth Patterson at Virtual Tea House: Baby Steps Toward More Humane Humanity
- Liz Dyer at Grace Rules: A Christian Perspective On Health Care Reform
- Phil Wyman at Square No More: Clowns to the Left? Jokers to the Right? Stuck in the Middle of the Health Care Debate
- Jeff Goins – A Christian’s Response to Healthcare in America
- Susan Barnes at A Book Look – Carrying Your Own Load
- Lainie Petersen – Caring for Human Dignity
why would i call a woman out of one oppressive relationship and into another?
i have been thinking a lot about the plight of the abused woman over the course of these past few months. i know so many women—in all shapes, sizes, religious experiences, socioeconomics, education, you-name-it—who have suffered abuse. not all of it is sexual or physical, although sadly there’s far too much of that going around. the thing that seems to rise to the surface over and over and over again, though, is emotional abuse. the pattern among women is more prevalent than any of us would like to think. smart, beautiful, strong-in-all-kinds-of-other-ways women who somehow have found themselves in relationships with men who control, berate, belittle, and slowly extinguish their hope, purpose, and passion. i am not saying there’s not any issues going on with the women; a big part of the healing process is for women to discover why they think that’s all they deserve, why they allow it, what paralyzes them, and gain the strength to make the shifts toward greater freedom and health. these shifts don’t always equal divorce; i have seen a few women do a 180 degree turn in terms of strength and courage and remain married, but i have also seen many other ones end up separated because their partners just weren’t willing to change and they knew if they stayed any longer their hearts would wither and die. they had the courage to trust God’s heart for them, to leave behind what was familiar (and sometimes safe and comfortable, in a twisted distorted way), to move toward something new.
i was not raised in the church; i was raised in a northern california culture that supported women’s freedoms and full equality in politics and work and life. but as i grew in my christian faith and adopted the ways of conservative christian culture, i ended up getting that spirit squeezed out of me for many years; and even though i’d be the little rebel who’d somehow stir the pot in some small way about the women’s issue, on the whole i would submit myself to systems that continually supported keeping women out of leadership, underneath men, in role after role after role where they would be used for what they had to offer but never, ever, given power or the kind of respect they had so clearly earned.
some of the feelings that perpetuate abusive relationships and keep women “in” unhealthy relationships are powerlessness, fear, and dependency. powerlessness. fear. dependency. when i recently read these words in a line up of abusive characteristics i was blind-sided by the how the church institution has also set up so many women to somehow feel powerless, afraid, and dependent. our heads rattle with irrational, powerless, dependent, scared thoughts like: “ the crumbs on the table are better than nothing at all”..“if i don’t tow the line, i’m going to mess up my chances to lead something in the future. something’s better than nothing.” …”there aren’t any other opportunities for me anywhere else so i guess i better just stay here and make the most of it.” “God must be using me here somehow, you know he really wants to teach us these kinds of lessons.”…”they must know what they’re doing, so i better just submit to their authority.” i am not saying there aren’t kernels of truth in any of these statements, but i am saying that i do not think that is God’s heart for his children.
i am tempted to generalize, but instead i will say that systems that don’t allow equal access for women probably have undercurrents of subtle emotional abuse that they themselves might not even be aware of. and the women (and other underrepresented groups who tend to be marginalized in some shape or form) who go there are so used to it that they don’t even think anything of it because it’s just the way it is. it feels normal. i was like that in a previous ministry job—i was just so happy to be invited to the table that it never occurred to me how truly disparate our pay was, how many side conversations were being had on the golf course where i was never invited, how subtly controlled i was, how much 100% of the power was held with a small group of men and my fate was completely in their hands. i had a good friend at the end of my time there who pointed out the emotionally abusive pattern to me, and my eyes began to open.
john 8:26 says “if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed.” free indeed. freedom to me means freedom. when i call a woman out of an abusive relationship, reminding her of her worth, her value, her dignity, her purpose, i would not under any circumstance, consider calling her into another “relationship” with a system that will put her beneath them. it’s bad for her soul.
the church—the beautiful, wild bride of Christ–should be a reflection of Jesus. and i don’t care how many scripture passages people want to try to use against me in this moment, i don’t believe that Jesus’ heart would be to call a woman out of one oppressive relationship and right into another. period. end of story. i know there are people out there who say “but my church doesn’t believe in women in leadership but they are not oppressive” and i will just say strongly back that i disagree. part of oppression is restrictive access. cutting off women’s voices, power, leadership, value and voice is restrictive access. it is oppression. and it is not reflective of the kingdom value of freedom & equality.
and in the spirit of social justice that is sweeping through many church systems at the moment, i wish we’d open our eyes to the injustice right here, underneath everyone’s noses, week after week after week after week. i am always reminded of martin luther king’s powerful words—“injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere”. i will not call a woman out of an oppressive relationship into another one; the problem i sometimes find is that i don’t have that many places in “the church” that she can actually go. that, my friends, is a travesty. the kingdom now. equality now. freedom now. i think that’s what Jesus was getting at. and i think lots more people would be drawn to Jesus if they didn’t have to get so tied up in the messed-up system that typically represents him.
no, i will not call a woman out of an oppressive relationship into another one. but i will call her into the glorious freedom that Christ brings, that she is valuable, beautiful, precious, worthy, free, strong, powerful and has no need—as a child of God—to enter into another relationship that won’t fully recognize it.
Read Morecan i at least have a cup of coffee with my slice of humble pie?
if you haven’t noticed by now, i have some pretty strong opinions about church-y stuff that can definitely come across as judgemental and harsh. harsher than sometimes i want it to. i do not mean to, it’s not like i set out to let it rip every time i sit down on my computer. i sometimes purposefully do not read back on old posts sometimes because i know that i will cringe at some of the things i say in there, but really, i am trying to stay in the moment as much as i can. the whole purpose of the carnival blog is to say out loud, and fairly unedited, some of what was rolling around in my head and also to be some sort of small voice to the many people i talk to online, in coffee shops, in all kinds of places who are expressing similar thoughts & feelings about faith & life & Jesus & the wonderful, beautiful, messed-up thing called the church. riding this fine line of saying some things that for whatever reason i need to say & being conscientious of how easy it is to become just as pharisaical as all the things i can’t stand is tricky (and maybe nearly impossible).
yes, i have issues with the church. yes, i struggle with money & power & inequality related to the structures & systems. yes, the injustices & the inconsistencies do make me more than a little nutty sometimes. yes, i dream for something different and see it emerging in all kinds of ways. and no, i do not have all the new answers or think that i have any kind of market cornered on the way it “should be” even though i sometimes sound like it.
for whatever reason, i go through seasons where almost every one of my hot buttons related to “big church” gets pushed. it’s sometimes comical & we manage to have a laugh or two about it, but other times it swoops in out of nowhere and catches me by surprise. that is kind of what happened to me in the past few weeks in preparation for off the map here in denver. i have so many amazing friends in this town, all kinds of free-thinkers & ex-church-patriots & dreamers & doers. every single week i sit across the table from people inside and outside of my community and leave feeling encouraged. at the same time, in pulling it all off i bumped up against a few things that…well, all’s i can say is: PTSD. that’s exactly what it felt like, just a weird tinge of post traumatic stress disorder, that came not just out of the clear blue sky but out of some interactions & circumstances. it reminded me that i’m not crazy-church self-protection, holding back information from people & fear of certain conversations isn’t just in my imagination. it tripped the wire to my church issue landmine and another bomb, albeit smaller than ever, went off. my heart just sometimes can’t take it. it’s unexplainable to some, although i know many of you out there get it and understand. it takes me by surprise and then i am so mad at myself that i let it get to me in the first place. but it’s just a part of my story, that’s all, no escaping it. and sometimes the bruises and bumps (or for some, gaping wounds) from our past experiences get rubbed against again, even in a small way, and it just stirs up trouble. personally, i think it’s good trouble because every time i learn from it and grow in my journey away from what was and toward what could be. i have to say, though, it’s so weird to me how somehow i can end up feeling like such an outsider in certain select christian circles. it makes me even more thankful for my true friends in-flesh-and-blood and out here in blogland, people who get me and don’t think i’m some kind of nutty heretic (or at least love me anyway).
so here’s where God continues to work on my heart: i am humbled. this past sunday at the refuge we talked about the beatitude of “blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God” and how purity of heart is an honesty before God, each other, a staying current. so i’m just trying to stay current: the big and complicated evangelical church is hard on my soul & sometimes i don’t handle it as well as i want to. no one has to understand it. sometimes i don’t really either. but for all kinds of reasons, it just is sometimes. and i am learning to let my feelings be my feelings and call it a day. at the same time, i don’t want to be a judgemental jerk. i want to continue to be transformed into Christ’s image & let go of things that hinder life, peace, freedom. so yet again, i am learning a lot about my brokenness, my pride, my need for God.
yeah, when it comes to church, God is bigger than my limited little craziness. God is at work in things that i absolutely cannot stand and believe are just a big waste of time and money. God is God and i am not. yet, even though i say i am glad God’s God, i am sure i secretly resent him for not taking care of things the way i am quite certain they need to be taken care of! in the many conversations at off the map the most important piece was how to really live with one another, especially when we see things differently. the refuge t-shirts say “it’s better to be kind than right” (brian mclaren said that at off the map in 2006). i can easily live with atheists, notorious sinners, the least of these, and almost anything in between. the people i have the hardest time living with are the ones who are dedicated to a system that i fundamentally disagree with. how can i offer them as much grace as i have myself received and can pass on to many others?
and at the same time, offering grace doesn’t mean compromising myself and giving up my convictions. we (me & some church leaders) do not see eye to eye on a lot of things. it’s just that simple. and that will probably never change. i am not saying i’m “right”, i am just saying “this is what i believe, at least in this moment, and for whatever reason it feels really important to say it out loud especially for others who can’t.” we all know any shifts we make in the kingdom aren’t going to come through patting ourselves on the back and saying “good job” to things that honestly we don’t think are good ideas. plus the labor pains we all are feeling are because something is shifting in the fundamentals of the church, the world, when it comes to faith. these shifts are rocking far more than my laundry list of issues with the church. one of the things i loved about the off the map weekend is i also met some new people who are actually firmly entrenched in “big church” but are really working on learning to change, shift, morph to become more inclusive & missional (now that’s beautiful).
long story short, i am thankful for the wrestling, the humbling. i like peace & easy & everything my way. but that is usually never where i change. and for whatever reason, despite all the churn, this swirl of the past week has unhooked me yet again from something i keep needing unhooking from. it somehow heightened my deep sense of gratitude for my current life & community & this season in my faith. i have a great hopefulness for the future that requires i focus on what’s right before me. that’s plenty.
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Read Moreps: if you want to check out some great pix from last week’s off the map live born again church tour that my friend jenny herrick took , click here.
seeing the swan
thanks my dear friends for understanding, for the love, the emails, the phone calls, the comments. i of course have felt encouraged in more ways than you know. in case you didn’t notice, i am a verbal processor. something happens inside me when i say things out loud & God moves in in all kinds of random and creative ways to remind me of what i need to be reminded of.
i think i was clear, but i want to reiterate so there’s no mistake: the in-the-trenches-of-real-life part of my day to day is not too overwhelming. is it hard? sure. is it painful? sure. but God’s beauty & hope in the midst of the ugliness sustains me. the draining, overwhelming, sucky part is the lack of resources & support. does God provide? of course. i see miracles every day. i see generosity in the most unlikely of places. i see random acts of kindness & love & help & hope that bring tears to my eyes on a regular basis. do i need to keep my eyes focused on that and not the scarcity that i sometimes see? no doubt. but part of this leg of my journey is to also be unafraid to speak truthfully about what i observe about some odd inconsistencies within the body of Christ. i don’t expect everyone to agree. i know there are some that are like “get over it, that’s life as a Christ-follower, quit your whining, keep your eyes on your own ball, and start praying!” and i will respectfully say to them that we can kindly disagree on what is helpful in this moment. on the spectrum of life-in-the-margins i know there are countless others who doing far more intense work with far less resources in dangerous scary places that pale in comparison to denver, colorado. i pray that nothing i am saying diminishes the magnitude of their sacrifice. but i do not for a minute think like ministries like home-pdx should be having these kinds of struggles financially (please oh please read pam hodgeweide’s recent post on the mystery of home-pdx, it couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time,) they don’t need that much and i don’t think they should have to beg for it each month. more stable churches could be saying “ken loyd, dear lover of people without houses, we will support you to do this ministry because it is important. the least of these deserve it. we are not equipped to do it, we don’t have the stomach for it, but we have people with jobs and houses and we will use their money to make it happen. you are our brother and we will share generously with you.” as you can see, i just can’t get off my soapbox! every time i think of ken battling for the simple needs to sustain such a small and important entity, i can’t help but get tears in my eyes & a burning sense of ‘something has clearly gone awry, people!’ deep in my heart.
but back to what some might call an ugly duckling, the refuge, the beautiful faith community i am part of. i have called it that since the beginning & i am now officially going to recant! it’s a swan. now. not “when we get this or that or become this or that”. i’m talking about now. yes, it’s a lovely swan. at first glance you’d never see it. there’s not that many people in the room. there’s chaos. there’s a mix of people who don’t look like they go together. there’s someone talking when they’re supposed to be listening. there are kids running around wreaking havoc. there’s a beautiful piece of art in the middle of the room that has crumbs all over the floor. there are people crying when they’re supposed to be laughing. there are people laughing when they’re supposed to be crying. it definitely doesn’t look hip or cool or, honestly, all that inviting. but underneath, its heart is filled with love and grace and acceptance and hope and help. and, at the same time, its heart is full of doubt and anger and fear and pride and pain. you see, to me, the refuge is just a reflection of all of us. we’re good, we’re bad. we’re beautiful, we’re ugly. we are thankful, we are disappointed. sometimes we notice God, other times we are sure he’s left the building. we hope, we doubt. we do some things right, we do some things wrong. we are brave, we are afraid. we give, we’re selfish. we’re confident, we’re insecure.
but like people, if we let the world define us, we will only see the negative, the things we aren’t. the ugly duckling just couldn’t see it. and the others couldn’t see it, either. but i am fairly sure that God could see it all along. Jesus always saw it. in the leper, the prostitute, the adulterous, the tax collector, the disciple. we see the ugly duckling, he sees the swan. and i believe he wants us to see what he sees. i want to see what he sees. in God’s economy, his reflection in us reminds us of what we are, who we are. our identity in Christ regardless of worldly measures is not something to ignore, dismiss. i do it often & sometimes i just need a little rattling of the tree to shake me back into sense, a reminder that the upside-down ways of the kingdom are totally counter to everything i have been taught not just by the world, but even more so by the church. answers, stability, security, put-togetherness, moving-on-ness, growth that’s visible and measurable. all these things are subtly & overtly valued & perpetuated in more ways that i am guessing we’d like to admit. and even though i know they totally contradict so much of what i believe, these weird “here’s what’s good & valuable” messages are somehow still etched in my memory. we have associated these things with beauty. the new imprint i want tattooed upon my heart, my mind, my hands, my feet, are the beatitudes. poverty of spirit, feeling, advocating, seeking justice, giving our lives away, humility, gentleness, backwards-to-the-worldness, crazy hope & peace & deep relationships in the midst of a real & honest life. and those, my friends, will look utterly stupid, ugly, to the world and probably to a lot of christians, too.
there’s so much i don’t understand. i am working out all kinds of things out loud, for the whole world to see (sometimes not the best idea!), and i think the biggest truth i am learning is what looks to one person like a tuft of misshappen feathers & bulging eyes is to another a vision of beauty & power & grace. and that underneath all of the crumbling rocks & sinking sand & hazards to our health & faith is something far more sure and solid and true than we ever would have imagined.
yeah, i see the swan.
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