last post for rebuilding after deconstructing: 8. trusting the path

Posted on Apr 27, 2012 in healing, spiritual formation | 42 comments

well thank you, my friends, for taking this crazy journey for the past 2 weeks.  i am looking forward to getting back to the normal rhythm around here next week, 1 maybe 2 posts a week.  whoa, i can’t imagine blogging this much every week!

but my hope for this series was always that we could get all of the posts out there in one big swoop and then over time, people would be able to access them as they needed over time.  i have been blown away by the responses & emails & ways that people have shared what this has stirred up.  there are so many of us out here finding our way.

it reminds me of part of a cheryl lawrie piece i love that’s on the refuge website (she’s a prison chaplain in australia & all of her stuff rocks):

ezekial 37, again

you do not give up on the broken and the lost

you do not give up on the fractured or the shattered or the dying or the dead

you do not give up on the fearful or the hateful or the impossible

you do not give up when there is no heartbeat left or no heart at all

you do not give up you do not leave us for dead

thank god.

yeah, we are not left for dead.

some people might give up on us.

but God doesn’t.

there is so much hope for us.

a huge sign of life is that we are actually still in, trying to talk about this hard stuff..  people may criticize us and call us lost or angry or a host of other adjectives, but the beautiful thing is that we’re still in, trying to find our way toward God.  that, in itself, is a miracle (especially considering what some of you have gone through).  i also know some of you haven’t had painful church experiences but just “grew up.” i would say the same thing to you–it’s glorious that you are wrestling with cultivating a more free faith despite the costs.

as we wrap up, here’s a quick recap of the major movements of the rebuilding process:

rebuilding after deconstructing - there are many ways we find ourselves on this scary, weird, unexpected path, but our stories probably have many of the same threads–doubt, emptiness, loneliness, sadness, fear, anger, and confusion.

honoring the process - growth and change in our faith journey is often labeled as rebellion, divisiveness, and heresy, when really it is just maturity trying to emerge.  as we honor the stages of our faith, we find strength.

acknowledging losses - there’s a helluva lot of grief in this process, and it is so helpful to acknowledge what we’ve lost and allow ourselves to feel the real feelings of grief.

discovering what remains - when we are deconstructing and can’t hold to some of our old beliefs anymore we need to work to discover what is left when it comes to our faith, what’s still there that brings hope.

finding what works - finding what works is about experimenting with different practices and ways of being that create life, passion, and connection with God.

celebrating what was - celebrating the good parts of our past helps us honor what was and actively move toward what is and what could be.

igniting passion - as we keep moving, we begin to find purpose, meaning, and ways to channel our hearts & energy & time in directions that bring life & hope.

exploring possibilities -  even though it’s often scary to re-engage, there are ways to find new forms of safe community & connection with other people of hope.

what’s next?  it’s trusting the path, remembering we’re not lost.

in fact, we’re on a path toward a free-er relationship with God, others, ourselves.

i was reminded of these passages this morning:

“can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?…and I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  (romans 8:35, 38, NLT).

even though people around us might worry about our souls, i hope we can trust that our souls are not in danger by engaging in a deconstruction process.  i’m pretty sure God is plenty big enough to hack this and love us through it.    

and that’s my overall hope for all of us in these shifts that we’re making–that somehow, some way, we’d experience and trust God’s love for us more deeply, clearly, fully and become more secure in it.   i think that’s always been the idea.  the world doesn’t need more, fear-filled insecure christians, it needs more peace-filled, secure ones.

deconstructing can make us insecure, less sure of so many things. and even though it’s true that we might be less certain about a lot of peripheral things, my experience has been that if we stay with the process we emerge much more secure in God’s love for us, our neighbors, the world.  

we actually become more secure in the end. 

we can discover that less is more. 

that in our weakness we are strong.

that we don’t have to “know it all” or prove it all. 

that a simple faith can be a stronger faith. 

that we are loved, really loved, just as we are.

yeah, i have seen over and over again how this path leads to life, not death, if we keep walking.  the road is scary & bumpy & freaky and many people may tell us we’ll be eaten by wild animals or sucked into quicksand on the way.  the more i walk it & see others walk it, too,  the more clear i feel that it’s a good road.  a secure road.  a road-worth-traveling-so-we-can-keep-growing-loving-learning-and-becoming-more-free-in-the-good-and-wild-ways-of-Jesus.

let’s keep being brave.

we are not alone.

we are not crazy.

God is with us.  he’ll never leave us for dead.

we’re in the midst of resurrection.

* * * * *

ps:  even if you don’t normally comment, it would be so great if you’d be willing to share in this thread what this series has stirred up in you, the good, the bad & the ugly.  it is so helpful to all of us in different ways, to hear a wide range of experiences.

coming next week:  things people said & did that helped you in this process (and those that were oh-so-not-helpful) + practices that sustained you during deconstruction.  i hope you can contribute.  we need to make some good lists!

thanks for reading.  your stories bring me more hope than you’ll ever know. peace, kathy

 

 

 

 

 

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rebuilding after deconstructing: 7. exploring possibilities

Posted on Apr 26, 2012 in healing, spiritual formation | 4 comments

this is the second-to-last installment of 7 major movements in rebuilding after deconstructing. tomorrow will be a wrap post, which is really the 8th–”trusting the path.” then early next week i want to brainstorm a few helpful lists together (it will be fun, i promise!).

the other posts from the past 2 weeks are listed here.  

* * * * *

one of the hardest parts about writing a series this-packed-full-of-intensity is that everyone is in a different place.  some of us have already found our way & feel free-er than we’ve ever felt before.  others are only beginning to realize we’re at the wall  & don’t know what the $^$&#@ it might mean for the future.  others are worn out & tired & feel really “done” at the moment and really don’t want to talk about this right now.

i say this as yet another warning when reading this post. for some of you, you’re just not ready to think about new possibilities yet.  please know the last thing i want to do is make people feel pressured.  we don’t all have to be at the place of being ready to “explore possibilities.” this shifting process take time; it’s important to not rush and expect ourselves to get to some imaginary finish line fast.  that will mess our heads and hearts up even more.  so as you’re reading today, know that it’s totally okay if you’re not in this particular space at the moment.

but some people are. 

one of the hardest things for many deconstructors to do is to plug back into some form of community.  see, even saying that word is making a few of you have an allergic reaction!  the thought of risking again, trusting again, trying again, engaging again just feels too overwhelming.  you’ve been there, done that, and so why bother.

i totally get that.

but it might help if we begin to widen our view of what community & connection might look like.   as we do that, we can begin to explore possibilities.  

community & connection with other people of hope might look like:

re-attaching to a safe church–or never darkening the door of a church again but finding hope through a small cluster of friends dedicated to each other.  

joining a group and remaining firmly on the fringes–or trying to plug in and serve again, with eyes wide open and hearts a little more aware. 

being part of something that doesn’t have a lick to do with anything overtly spiritual–or finding a clearly sacred place for intentional spiritual practices. 

working with people directly connected to our newly-ignited passion–or in a completely different context.  

part of rebuilding & renewal is an openness to new possibilities for community & connection.

there are a few things to be aware of as we explore new possibilities:

it has to be when we’re ready, not when someone else thinks we should be.  this is so important!

experiments help.  i’m a big fan of “let’s try this and see what it feels like.”  we can enter into some of these experiences more loosely & not hold ourselves to feeling like we have to commit to anything.  i love the idea of “for this next season i’m going to experiment with…” and then have a time to evaluate how it went, how it felt, what it opened us up to.

we don’t have to give all our power away again.  it’s okay to be part of stuff without being “all in”.  it’s okay to disagree with some things but be okay with others.  it’s okay to guard our hearts and at the same time open them a little.  it’s okay to be skeptical about leadership & power but still take part. it doesn’t make us cynical; it makes us wise.

let go of old definitions of “church”.  if we hold on to old preconceptions, it will really hijack possibilities, especially if we’re toast when it comes to typical systems.   small or big, formal or informal, regular or sporadic, christian or non-christian, there are all kinds of ways to be with other people and be part of “church.”

listen to triggers but be careful about making quick decisions based on them.  part of our maturity is developing listening skills for our gut feelings of what is really going on.  as we explore new possibilities for connection & community, we need to better listen to the Holy Spirit-working-in-us.  at the same time, when we’ve been in toxic systems or are still really raw, every little thing can feel triggering.  it’s easy to say “well, we’re for sure not ready to explore new possibilities yet” and even though that could be true, it can also be true that we’re really sensitive about certain things (for good reason).  i never want to say “ignore the triggers and push through” but i do want to say “explore your triggers and don’t make reflex decisions based on them.”  talk about it with safe friends, get wise input.

ease in, don’t rush.  sometimes when we’re lonely & desperate & tired and long so deeply for connection and stability again, we can dive in too fast, too hard. don’t. it’s not good for us.  take time to live on the fringes a little.  don’t volunteer for too much too soon.  trust that healthy systems & groups & people won’t be in a hurry.

overall, when considering new possibilities to explore, i really like the words “practice” and “try.”  they’ve helped me become a little more balanced and not so black-and-white.  these words help us remember we don’t need everything mastered or figured out or buttoned down; rather, we can do our best to show up, engage as best we can for the moment, and continue to learn, adjust, re-evaluate, and grow.

over time, may our hearts be open to new possibilities.

what are some new possibilities you are trying (or want) to explore? 

* * * * *

tomorrow:  the wrap, whew! –  trusting the path.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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rebuilding after deconstructing: 6. igniting passion

Posted on Apr 25, 2012 in healing, spiritual formation | 12 comments

“the glory of God is man fully alive.” – st. irenaeus

here we are, at part 6 of this crazy-intense series on rebuilding our faith after deconstructing.  the previous posts are introduction, 1. honoring the process 2. acknowledging losses 3. discovering what remains  4. finding what works  5. celebrating what was.  

* * * * *

the idea of this series is to provide a loose framework & practices for the big themes of rebuilding.  for some, it’s challenging & stirring up hard stuff. for others, it’s hopeful and brings relief.  for others, it’s just plain annoying because the thought of rebuilding anything is too difficult right now.  may we honor that we’re all in different places and integrate this material in ways that work for us.

the deconstruction process can often feel like dying.  because it is.  old parts of our spiritual life need to die so that new ones can emerge.  what i appreciate about seasons (even though i’d love to live on a beach where it’s perpetually summer) is that we need winter for spring to emerge.  dying-winter-grief can feel so dark, ugly, painful and cold but if we hang in & hang on, new life can rise out of the ashes, buds can start to form on bleak, stark limbs.

a core piece of rebuilding is beginning to resurrect parts of us that have been lost, squelched, stifled, ignored, unvalued over the years. 

we can’t think our way into a new life, but we can live our way into a new life.  part of rebuilding is really somehow about our souls being “born again.”

and this requires getting in touch with what brings us life, what ignites our passion.

this stage of rebuilding is different from “finding what works” because that is centered on discovering new ways to connect with God.  igniting passion is about finding purpose, meaning, and ways to channel our hearts & energy & time in directions that bring life & hope. 

in stage 3, the productive life, before we hit the wall & things began to disintegrate, serving was about doing, working, contributing to toward a system in need of helpers.  igniting passion is part of the transition from stage 4′s messy painful journey inward to stage 5, the journey outward.  it’s where we begin to serve & love & live with much greater freedom–out of passion instead of duty. 

we all have some kind of dream–things we’d like to do, build, try, be-a-part of, live out.

these can be little things, big things. “church” things, not-clearly-related-to-church things. exciting things, simple things.

regardless, part of a renewed faith is acknowledging our passion & desire those “things” and stepping into them somehow, someway, without having to ask for permission.

a sad part about many of our church experiences is that unless our passions “somehow serve the system” many haven’t been encouraged or nurtured (i always say churches have made handing-out-programs-at-church sound like the greatest spiritual gift ever!).  there is so much beauty & hope & passion & wildness & glory waiting to be uncovered as people are set free to live, serve, love in whatever ways God is calling.

also, please try to hold on to this:  having passions & hopes & dreams are not selfish, no matter what people or churches may have told you.

God’s image is best reflected in his people, fully alive.

as we thaw out our hearts and find our way, it’s important to get in touch with what lights our fire:

what do we love to do?

who or what do we care about?

what gets our juices flowing when we start talking about it?

then the question is:  how can we fan that flicker of passion into a brighter flame?

it’s not all-inclusive but it seems like a lot of our passions fall into these 3 primary categories (they overlap a lot, too, and i’m sure there are many other areas of passion but it seems like so many come back to these).

many of us are passionate about:

love. we care about loving people, presence, caring, serving, being Christ’s hands and feet, reflecting God’s image in hard places, restoring dignity.

justice. we are advocates and care about causes.  we want to change systems, stand on behalf of the oppressed, raise awareness, and make what’s wrong right.

beauty. we care about beauty, nature, creativity & the arts and the power of it to heal & restore & inspire & uncover God’s image in ourselves & other people.

some of us have already found ways to live out our passion.  the flame has been lit and the fire’s roaring.  others of us may feel more scared to step out because we know it will be without the support & encouragement of the systems we used to be (or are still) part of. others are somewhere in between and not quite sure yet; any kind of passion still feels buried pretty deep.

regardless of where we each find ourselves, part of rebuilding faith is igniting our passions–ones buried underneath a lot of rubble or ones recently discovered.

passions don’t have to look like starting new nonprofits, planting churches, adopting kids, writing a book, or moving to africa tomorrow (although they most certainly can!)  they can also look like taking a class we’ve always wanted to take, volunteering at a nonprofit that does work we care about, learning something we’ve always wanted to learn, doing something we’ve always wanted to do but haven’t because we’ve been too busy at church. it can be stepping out in any small way that feels like movement toward life instead of standing still.

the best way we can participate in bringing change & hope & goodness to this world is to live instead of die.  try something instead of nothing.  fan a flicker into flame instead of letting it be snuffed out.

what are some passions that are starting to ignite for you (or that you hope will)? 

* * * * *

tomorrow, the second-to-last part: 7. exploring possibilities

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

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