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paradox

September 2, 2010 by kathyescobar

“ a paradox is something that appears to be a contradiction, but from another perspective is not a contradiction at all.  you and i are living paradoxes, and therefore must be prepared to see ourselves in all our reality.  if you can hold and forgive the contradictions within yourself, you can normally do it everywhere else too” – richard rohr

* * * * *

i go through little kicks now and then with certain writers & right now richard rohr is at the top of my list. so many gems, packed with deep wisdom & truth.  when i stumbled upon this short piece last week i knew it was going to be one worth really fleshing out more than just a casual glance and a toss into the good-quotes-to-keep-bin.  the thing that struck me about it was the reminder of just how difficult it is for so many of us (and i’ll dare say especially evangelical-y types) to live in the tension of two contradicting things existing at the same time.  it’s so easy to stick with black or white, wrong or right, good or bad, dark or light.

i know this well in my own life–in the past, any doubt at all was a lack of faith because in my mind doubt & faith couldn’t co-exist together.  of course, that’s radically changed over the years & holding the tension now–although still annoying at times–is much easier.  i also used to not be able to accept being good & bad at the same time.  i’d either have to be “all good” or “all bad” but there wasn’t anything in between.  so that looked like doing all kinds of things like a “super christian” or swinging the completely other way & defining myself as a “miserable shame-ful wretch.”

there are so many different paradoxes within all of us.  most human beings i know, when they’re being really honest, are a crazy mixture of good & bad, light & dark, ugly & beautiful, strong & weak, confident & fearful. it’s what makes us human. the problem that so many of us have encountered, though, in our spiritual walk is that very little of what we’ve been taught helps us embrace these things at the same time. if we have fear, then we must not trust God.  if we are sinning, then we must not have any good in us.  if we are weak, then we must not be very strong. (note: i think this is why a bunch of christian women have a really hard time admitting they are afraid).

i believe so much freedom would come if we could better learn how to embrace the paradoxes in ourselves. and if we can embrace the paradoxes in ourselves, then it’s far more likely that we can accept them in other people (including God) as well. it really is the first step.

last week as we wrapped up our summer session for our house of refuge (we’ve been doing the 12 steps together), i used this rohr paradox piece in a short exercise we all did together as part of step 12, which is very focused on paying forward what we’re learning on the healing journey.  i think a huge gift we can give to ourselves & the relationships we are in is learning to embrace life, ourselves, each other in paradox.   each of us wrote down the paradox that we see in ourselves & went around the room & simply shared the two words; i could never re-create it, but i will say it was glorious & beautiful to hear all of the wild contradictions we are all learning to hold in tension.  the one that popped into my mind for me was “strong & weak.”

the more i’ve been reflecting on this since last week & from the many random conversations i have had since then, i am more convinced than ever how difficult this is for most people to do at a very deep level. sure, it’s easy to say “oh yeah, i know i’m good and i’m bad at the same time.” but on a gut level, when we really dig a little deeper, it becomes more apparent how much work is being done underneath the surface personally, relationally, spiritually to “get-out-the-bad-the-conflict-the-negative-emotion-as-soon-as-possible-so-we-can-somehow-be-all-good-and-life-is-easier.”

here are some of the benefits i can think of off the top of my head if we can learn to embrace this idea of paradox:

  • we can learn to accept all parts of ourselves instead of rejecting the ugly-real-human-being stuff & being mad at God and ourselves for not getting it out fast enough.
  • we’ll have keener eyes to see the beauty & the ugly (and all the other kinds of wild paradoxes that exist) together in other people (and institutions, too) instead of only focusing on only one or the other.
  • the capacity for grace for ourselves, for others increases.
  • we’ll stop setting ourselves up in relationships where we’re the all-good-one or the all-bad-one.
  • we’ll learn to accept the paradoxes in general life experiences better & develop a resiliency that is impossible when we demand things to be all good or all bad.  we can see joy in suffering, peace in tribulations, and wholeness & healing in brokenness (one of my favorite bloggers, sarah at emerging mummy, recently wrote a post about seeing God in the paradox).
  • we can begin to accept that all of these things apply not just to ourselves & others, but to God, too.  it might help us let God off the hook a bit.
  • we can also see the paradoxes that exist in institutions as well.  yep, that means churches & organizations & families & all kinds of other systems and structures that are filled with all kinds of lovely & annoying paradoxes we’d rather not embrace because it forces us to love & appreciate parts of them we don’t really want to.
  • it widens our ability to intersect our lives with people that are very different from us.

it’s not like this idea of paradox is new to me, i tell people (and myself!) about it all the time.  but i think i realized in this past week that it is much easier to talk about in an intellectual sense than truly embrace it in the deep places of our hearts & our experiences. and that i want to be a person who is willing to live in the tension of my own paradoxes & the paradoxes of others & the paradoxes of God & how critically important it is for me to be part of a faith community that keeps learning to as well.

i’ll end with this, one of my favorite brennan manning quotes ever that i’ve used in all kinds of different ways over time (i think i might have shared it once before on the carnival, but i can’t remember which post):

“when i get honest, i admit i am a bundle of paradoxes.  i believe and i doubt, i hope and i get discouraged, i love and i hate, i feel bad about feeling good, and i feel guilty about not feeling guilty.  i am trusting and suspicious. i am honest and i still play games. aristotle said i am a rational animal; i say i am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer.  to live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life’s story, the light side and the dark.  in admitting my shadow side, i learn who i am and what God’s grace means. as thomas merton puts it, “a saint is not someone who is good but someone who experiences the goodness of God.”  - from reflections for the ragamuffins.

i always love comments, they make it way more fun: how easy or hard is for to embrace the paradoxes in yourself, others, God?

* * * * *

ps: i have a post up this week at communitas collective called romance vs. reality. i sometimes forget to mention that here (it happens every 3 weeks or so…)

ppss:  if you haven’t checked it out, the refuge blog is kind of fun, a variety of different voices from our community each week.

Posted in healing, spiritual formation, the refuge | Tagged | 3 Comments »

small is plenty

August 27, 2010 by kathyescobar

i’ve been off line for the past few weeks getting my kids off to a new school year & taking a break from thinking about the blog.  it’s nice to have 8am-3pm back every day after 3 long wacky months getting my oldest out to college & enjoying summer with my other 4.  i hope you’ve had a good summer, too! i love fall & am really looking forward to the upcoming season.

* * * * *

“get ready, God is preparing you for something really, really small” – shane claiborne

i have always tended to do everything big in my life.  i never really set out to have 5 kids, but i am the one who had 12 bridesmaids and over 400 people at our wedding & keeps the post office in business with how many christmas cards we send every year.  it’s just…me (and that my #1 strength on the strengthsfinder is “includer”, ha ha).

but i’m learning something really precious and beautiful in my life right now–just how powerful “small” really is. most of you know that i earned my chops in big-church world, really stepping into leadership about 9 years ago and then ramping it up a few years later and being on the pastoral staff at a mega-church.  the contrast between where i was and where i am now is actually quite comical and once in a while at some our refuge gatherings i find myself chuckling at the differences between the two.  i went from as professional & amazing & full-of-wow-and-tons-of-people as you can get to simple-pared-down-unplugged-and-small.  it really is apples & oranges. and while i’m not in any way saying that “big is bad” i think i’m more convinced than ever that  “small is plenty.”

here’s why:

  • transformational, redemptive relationships require a whole lot of time and energy. learning Jesus’ ways of love is complicated.  so many people–no matter how put together on the outside they may look–struggle with feeling loved by God & people & passing on love to God and people.  shifting those deep places in hearts is not something that comes in a snap. it takes a long time to build trust, intimacy & connection.  it takes intention and fighting against the path of least resistance which will always tend toward “i’m too busy” or “i really don’t need people in my life, i’ve got it covered on my own.”    after 4 wild years of life in the refuge community, i see up-close-and-personal just how much time and energy it takes to nurture transformation.   the tangled web of life together is impossible to navigate in a sea of hundreds of nameless faces.
  • real life is unpredictable and hard; the needs are great. $*!&!( happens.  marriages begin to crumble, jobs get lost, people get sick, family members die, relationships break up, kids get in trouble, people get inspired to adopt children from foster care & overseas, depression kicks in, the pain gets great enough to enter recovery.  real life is unpredictable and if i look around most of the relationships i am in–both in and outside of the refuge community–there’s a lot of real life going on that is complicated and messy.   sure, it’s easy to just stand by and watch when there’s no real connection between people, but in a small community dedicated to life together, in different ways we all share in the pain and struggle together. and while it is a beautiful gift, it also reminds me of how impossible it is to really do that level of sharing burdens on a big, wide scale.   when it comes to the needs of real life, small is plenty.
  • everyone needs a space to use their gifts & passions & voice. this of course is something i’m most passionate about because i believe that the body of Christ is supposed to be a place where each and every person who is a part is contributing in some way, shape or form–bringing their gifts & passions & voice to the community.  in big settings, there’s only so much “room” so the talented & louder voices are the ones who usually get heard.  in our practicing community, we go out of our way to hear from as many different people as possible in as many different ways as possible.  and even then, it’s still hard to really create the space and cultivate the possibilities for everyone.
  • growth doesn’t mean numbers. this has been the best lesson i keep trying to remember.  almost all church-planting and success-in-life models are focused on numerics & dollars–butts in seats & bucks in the offering plate or some combination of that.  i have come to peace with something different in a new way this past year.  the growth that i see really has nothing to do with the-number-of-people-who-come -to-our-gatherings but rather seeing people become more loving, caring, compassionate, generous, and kind in little & big ways.  of seeing people find hope when there wasn’t any.  of seeing people really “become more like Christ” even if none of those words were ever used.  as i’ve said over and over again here at the carnival, there’s a big difference between building churches & cultivating communities.
  • every system struggles to be healthy. families, groups, churches, organizations all have a tendency toward unhealthiness because there are people in them! keeping any system on a healthy path is no small task.  i think there’s a misconception that small can mean insulated or in-grown.  it doesn’t have to.   smaller communities need to really consider how to integrate and enfold new people & continue to reach out & be open to change & transformation & connection with the wider body.  this takes work, but i have seen how beautiful it can be, too–when new friends are welcomed & integrated & loved in tangible practical ways or supportive friendships with other communities are formed.
  • never underestimate how much impact “small” can really have.  i feel so blessed to see this in some little ministries, missional communities, and individuals-who-are-dedicated-to-the-poor-and-marginalized-in-all-kinds-of-crazy-innovative-ways.  small pockets of love matter.  justice & mercy & hope ripple out from small acts of kindness & love.  one life can change one other life.  and that one life matters. voca femina, the creative arts site for women we started over a year and a half ago, is small potatoes in all kinds of ways; yet, for each woman who contributes, each person that reads, beauty & hope is being inspired.   if we are always thinking we’re not big enough, strong enough, cool enough, sustainable enough, or all kinds of other barriers-to-freedom-and-peace, we will miss out on amazing people & opportunities to love & live right in front of us.

i was in a conversation with a dear sister-on-the-journey a while back & she said, “kathy, i just want a small deep rich life.  that’s enough for me. i don’t want to travel the world, change the course of history. i just want to live my little life well.” those words have lingered.  that’s what i want, too.  sure, i have visions of grandeur here and there, but that mainly comes from getting sucked into what other people are doing instead of keeping my eyes focused on the loveliness right in front of me that is made to be enjoyed, valued, treasured, nurtured, cultivated, honored.

i think learning how to embrace small as plenty means being comfortable in our own skin, accepting ourselves how we truly are individually & corporately, and bending our ear and heart toward the ways of the kingdom of God–where the ways of the world are turned upside down, the last shall be first and the first shall be last, where learning the ways of love one relationship at a time  supersedes everything else.

yeah, more than ever, i am discovering that small is plenty.

what do you think?

Posted in church stuff, incarnational, the carnival in my head, the refuge | 9 Comments »

gender equality is so pretty

August 16, 2010 by kathyescobar

* this is a post i wrote a while back for christine sine’s summer blog series about the kingdom now & how people are seeing it up-close-and-personal. i thought i’d share it here, too.  it’s short & sweet & when i re-read it today it reminded me of how thankful i am for my brothers & sisters on this brave & beautiful & more-natural-every-day journey.

* * * * *

when christine asked for some kingdom is near stories for this summer, i thought of all kinds of fun ways i see the kingdom of God in the life of our beautiful faith community, the refuge.  but the one that seems to rise to the surface often is the beauty of gender equality when-it’s-really-lived-out-in-the-body-of-Christ.

honestly, i never set out to be so passionate about gender equality in the church. i have always been a boat rocker in general, but it wasn’t until about 6 years ago that the scales fell from my eyes and i saw clearly how unjust so many church systems really were when it comes to gender equality.  i am a little mad at myself, to be honest, that i submitted myself to systems that oppressed women and silenced their voices for so many years.  i think it’s because their oppression was subtle; it wasn’t like women weren’t able to serve and lead in many capacities.  it was just that there was a clear and noticeable limit to that work and all the “power” ultimately rested in men instead of being shared openly and freely together.

over the years things have shifted and i see what it can look like for men & women to learn to live, love, and lead alongside each other.  it is not easy to do; there are all kinds of forces working against it.  but isn’t that really what the kingdom of God is all about?  that despite the resistance of all of the “forces” of man and the world (and sometimes religious systems), there’s now a new reality possible because of God’s spirit-at-work-in-all-kinds-of-ways-that-defy-the-status-quo.

i am so thankful to get to see the kingdom of God up close and personal almost every day.  i see men and women learning how to be friends, real brothers & sisters on the journey.  i see men and women using their voices alongside each other, separately & together but equally.  i see men and women healing deep wounds from their past with people and their present with God because they are finding people who reflect God’s image as mothers & fathers & sisters & brothers & daughters & sons in community.  i see women freed to use their gifts and passions right alongside men and men fanning that into flame tangibly.  i see prayer and support teams that aren’t just women-supporting-women or men-supporting-men but a lovely mix of both together, focused on loving and supporting and encouraging hurting friends.  i see people saying out loud “i don’t know how to be friends with men (or women), but i want to learn. can you help me try?”

really, what i’m seeing up-close every day is how Jesus’ spirit can break down patricarchal systems of inequality that have been deeply engrained in us. it is not something that comes in a rush, but it is something that can come when God’s people give up power and mutually submit, one to another, in freedom and love.

our community is small.  it is not flashy or exciting.  we are poor.  we are messy.  and there’s no question–sometimes it’s downright scary to have this level of community going on right before my very eyes. but one thing i know for sure–gender equality is so pretty, a beautiful reflection of the kingdom of God in the here and now.

* * * * *

a few other things i wanted to let you know about:

  • starting in september, the monthly synchroblog is back with a regular schedule.  you can check out all the dates & details here.  i hope that some of you who blog will be willing to contribute; i remember when i first heard about a synchroblog  i was all nervous & intimidated, thinking “oh, that is just for people who are cool-bloggers-who-know-what-they’re-doing-unlike-me.” (so not true but entering into something new can feel like that sometimes).  but i plunged in the pool & am so glad i did. it’s just a great eclectic mix of people from all different perspectives writing on the same topic.  no pressure, no big deal, no hoop-la or competition.  i hope that you’ll consider being part. upcoming topics  are a great mix:  september is immigration, october is same-sex-marriage, november is life through the eyes of the marginalized, and december is advent.  email me if you have any questions.
  • lots of good posts on big-tent christianity, too, from their synchroblog. check it out here.
  • my friends craig spinks & jim henderson have some new great, interactive material out about young people’s perspectives on christianity that we can all learn so much from called the outsider interviews.  several of my friends are featured in it & have powerful stories that need to be listened to if we want to be part of transforming the landscape of faith for upcoming generations. i hope you check it out.


Posted in church stuff, dreams, equality, healing, leadership, the refuge | Tagged , | 5 Comments »

recovery under the big tent

August 10, 2010 by kathyescobar

* this post is part of a week-long synchroblog hosted by big tent christianity, a collaborative event in raleigh september 9-13.  so many fun conversations will be had there, i’m sure.  i wish i could go, but it was just too much to pull off this fall.

* * * * *

it’s a dingy church basement.  a single light bulb hangs from the ceiling.  gritty coffee with powdered creamer is being poured like water. a few friends are smoking a last cigarette before walking back inside.  the circle of metal folding chairs is average sized, not too big, not too small.   everyone takes their seats and the leader opens the meeting, reminding everyone of the common bond they all share, the reason why they are here–they are a bunch of church leaders admitting they are addicted to control and want to stop.  need to stop.  long to stop.  but they realize they can’t do it without some serious help.  some serious support from other recovering controlaholics who are experiencing sobriety & transformation in their own lives, their own churches.  the leader reads through the 12 steps out loud and opens the meeting for sharing each person’s experience, strength, and hope.  the first brave friend leans forward, takes a deep breath, “hi, i’m the church and i’m a controlaholic.”  and everyone warmly and knowingly chimes back, “hi, church.”

no question this is an extremely stereotypical view of a recovery meeting but it really was the first image that came to mind when i thought about this synchroblog.

yeah, i think “the church” has a control problem. its heart is not bad.  its intentions are not evil.  it doesn’t wake up in the morning thinking “i’m going to ruin a whole bunch of relationships today.” but like all addicts (which i believe we all are in some shape or form), it is often unaware of just how pervasive the problem is and how much damage its really doing with controlling-finger-pointing-we-know-we’re-right-and-you’re-wrong ways.  and the only way to change is to begin to break out of denial and humbly engage in a healing process that will move toward restoration in their relationship with others, God, themselves.  the 12 steps started by alcoholics anonymous can help with that.  every single person i know who has actively engaged in the 12 steps has changed.  they’ve given up unhealthy patterns that have been perpetuated for most of their lives, admitted the fear has been the root of most of their problems, and made amends & restored relationships that were thought to be ruined forever. they are trying to be humble and honest instead of prideful and controlling.  they are kind, compassionate, and empathetic in a way that those who haven’t experienced this level of healing tend to not be.  they continue to learn instead of think they have anything mastered.

to me, the beatitudes is one of my favorite pieces of scripture because it is the place where Jesus turns the ways of the world (and the religious systems) upside down.  based on the beatitudes, the 12 steps seem to kind of do that, too.  they are a movement away from self-centeredness & pride & being right & feeling-good-at-all-costs to a life of sacrifice, humility, and serving others.  i think the beatitudes and the 12 steps are helpful toward becoming a more healthy, kind, compassionate, sacrificial, humble, accepting, loving people.  and i have no doubt that the world would be different if entire systems–not only individuals–would actually follow some of these Jesus-centered principles.

when i heard about big tent christianity’s focus, the first thing that came to mind was that for me it is a movement toward becoming a more healthy, kind, compassionate, sacrificial, humble, accepting, actively loving church. a movement toward living out the beatitudes in practice not just theory.  as we all know, the world is aching for redemption, for hope, for restorative justice, for real, tangible, life-giving love. it’s time for the church to change its controlling ways, to get in touch with the damage we’ve done and begin the painful but beautiful redemptive work of learning to live out of a new place.   real change takes a lot of time, a lot of energy, a lot of focus, a lot of letting God work. but it’s so possible.

the question big tent christianity is asking is:

  • “what does big tent christianity mean to you? what does it look like in your context?  what are your hopes and dreams for the church?”

to me, big tent christianity means collectively letting go of our prideful, controlling ways and learning that the world doesn’t just spin around us.  it’s about a wider view, an open-handed view, a more trusting view that God is bigger and deeper and wider than we’ve maybe ever known.  it’s about less fear & more freedom. it’s a soft heart & willing hands and feet, open to the Holy Spirit’s movement.  it’s about corporately becoming known as people who incarnate Jesus in really wild, unexplainable, tangible ways so that others are kind of left wondering “who in the world are those crazy people?  why are they so kind? so loving? so willing to advocate? so present in the muck and the mire of real life? “

in my context of our little eclectic faith community, the refuge, the big tent looks like inclusive diverse community where all are welcome, no matter how put together or messed up.  where questions don’t scare anyone away and we don’t have to have all of the answers.  where people are learning to love and be loved by Jesus.  where we are trying to make advocates, not buildings.  where everyone has a voice.  where men and women live, love and lead alongside each other equally.  where shame loses its power & hope seeps in. where people can practice.  and like an AA meeting, it’s not slick or pretty or big or all that exciting.  it’s just a wild hodge-podge of people seeking God’s hope & help and passing it on to others in small, simple ways.  and while we are thankful for where we are today, we still have so much to keep learning.

i am a huge dreamer when it comes to church.  i know there are many who are done with “christianity” and i can see why.  they love Jesus & long to follow his ways but are sick & tired of the systems that keep giving him a bad name.  i am still one of those ecclesial dreamers who is deeply passionate about what could be.  i think the way out of the mess we’ve created as a system is to break out of denial, bend our knee, and admit that we have been a scared, controlling system for too long & we are tired of living this way.  we need help, we need change, we need trust, we need healing, we need Jesus.

many are afraid of the healing & recovery metaphor as far too psychological, too addict-y, too annoyingly hard to actually do.  i understand. but i’ll hold to what i’ve seen & experienced up close and personal in my own life and in the lives of many other people over the years who have taken the first step and admitted they needed help and wanted life to be different.  our hearts changed. our lives changed.  our families changed.  and hopefully are continuing to change.  and the more i think about it, the more clear i feel that this kind of humble, healing work for “the church” has absolutely no down-side (except that those still addicted to control will be mad at us for changing).  yeah, i have no doubt that a less controlling-finger-pointing-we’re-right-and-you’re-wrong church would emerge.  a more humble, honest, interdependent, compassionate church would emerge.

and that’s my hope for big tent christianity. that’s my hope for me. that through these upcoming years we’d shed our reputation as scared, angry, controlaholics and become “those crazy people who started working their $*!&!~^$(!  and put their money where their mouth was & have really changed. look at the beautiful work that they are doing so freely, so humbly. it looks an awful lot like Jesus.”

as always, i’d love to hear your thoughts on this & what big tent christianity might mean to you.

* * * * *
ps:  for those of you who may not be familiar with the 12 steps, here they are, along with the beatitudes.  as you reflect upon them, think about how the world might be different if corporately”the church” followed these principles.

1.    We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors and that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.    Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.    Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
4.    Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
5.    Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
6.    Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
7.    Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
8.    Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
9.    Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
10.  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
11.  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out
12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

* * * * *

blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

- matthew 5:3-10

Posted in church stuff, dreams, healing, incarnational, spiritual formation | Tagged , | 14 Comments »

codependence, independence, interdependence

August 4, 2010 by kathyescobar

the #1 word that i use at the refuge (other than nutty, messy, wild and beautiful) is relationship.  to me, when Jesus summed up the law and said it’s about loving God, others, ourselves that he was basically saying “it’s about relationship, people.”  it’s not about stuff or knowledge or words–it’s about love.  i also believe that love can be a very ethereal word that doesn’t sometimes translate down to practice.

if you’ve been reading here for a while you know that i believe that “the church*” is supposed to be the place to practice love not just talk about it.  not sit and learn about it.  not philosophize about it.  but really, really practice it.  and one thing i can say about our community is we may not have any bells and whistles or money or tricks, but we sure do have a lot of practicing going on. (*if you’re new to the carnival, my definition of church is: people gathered together in some way, shape or form to learn & practice the ways of Jesus & pass on love, hope, mercy, justice, and healing in a broken, weird world.)

right now at our wednesday night house of refuge we are walking through the 12 steps together (we did the same thing last summer, using some material that i wrote that makes the steps assessible to those in touch with their basic need to change some unhealthy patterns.  email me if you’re interested and i can send you the file).  so many think that the 12 steps are just for addicts or people in relationship with addicts. nothing could be farther from the truth; based on the beatitudes, they really are a practical guide to becoming more loving, grounded, honest, compassionate, kind, free human beings.  a word that often comes up in 12 step circles is “codependence.” many think that codependence is about really-messed-up-people-who-are-in-relationship-with-an-addict-or-in-an-abusive-relationship.  yeah, it goes far wider and deeper than that.  in a conversation a few weeks ago, we talked very briefly about the difference between “codependence “and “interdependence.”  the more i thought about it, the more i realized that “independence” should be thrown into the conversation, too.   as i’ve been reflecting on these 3 words i see how they apply not only to us individually in our every day relationships, but also in our relationship with God.  and because communities/churches are made up of people & develop a certain innate culture that they live from, they can also collectively embody these patterns, too.

so what’s the difference between codependence, independence, and interdependence when it comes to our relationship with God & others, both individually and corporately?

to me, codependence is essentially an unhealthy pattern of control, care-taking, enabling, people-pleasing, suppressing our own wants & desires for the sake of keeping the peace & our little world as we know it spinning around.  i believe codependence is a human condition and that most of us suffer from it in some shape or form; even those that appear very squared away and confident, often have very strong codependent characteristics underneath.  codependents tend to:

  • give but never allow themselves to receive
  • be out of touch with what they really want or need
  • be martyrs, peace-makers, victims, care-takers
  • act out of fear instead of freedom
  • live an “if i do or say this or that then God will be happy with me” kind of faith

independence is what i always call “the american way.”  it’s the i-don’t-really-need- anyone-else mentality.   i don’t really need close people in my life, i can handle things on my own, i’ve got it covered.  independence isn’t necessarily a bad thing in that it is good to be free and strong apart from other people; the problem is that typically it means that the person isn’t very engaged in the real stuff of other people’s lives.  underneath a lot of independence is fear.  independents tend to:

  • never really connect on an emotional level with other people
  • reject input
  • believe that things are “just fine the way they are”
  • think their way is right
  • not really need God much, have their own bases covered

honestly, i believe most people–most churches–tend to stay stuck in codependent or independent patterns, either being addicted to caretaking, people pleasing, holding-back-the-truth with God & others or standing apart, being strong and prideful, and not really allowing themselves to be engaged in real relationship with God or others.

i think Jesus call of love is to learn the ways of interdependence.  true interdependence means we rely on one another in a way that is not unhealthy or creates imbalanced power.

  • interdependence requires a vulnerability, a willingness not only to be transparent with how we are doing and feeling but also let others’ love, mercy, wisdom, and help into our lives.
  • interdependence is a letting go of self-protection to pursue connection.
  • interdependence is a freedom to be ourselves–with all of our uniqueness, strengths and weaknesses–and love others in all of theirs, too, without being compelled to change, reject, or avoid them.
  • interdependence is a solid awareness of our own need for grace and the ability to pass it on to others, too.
  • interdependence is a heart open to feel others pain but not let it suck the life and hope out of us.
  • interdependence requires a courage to risk money, time, and status to stand for justice on others behalf instead of stand by and watch others get taken advantage of.
  • interdependence is being willing to need other people and be needed at the same time.
  • interdependence is showing up in our relationship with God in an honest and real way instead of faking or avoiding.
  • interdependence is a life of spirit-infused sacrifice connected to other people instead of a life of narcissism.

i think it’s fairly easy to be codependent and independent people in our relationship with God and others. it’s some kind of weird crazy human default many of us seem to have.

i think it’s also fairly easy to be codependent and independent communities, either being overly concerned with approval & making everybody happy or thinking we’ve got it mastered & don’t need anyone else.

it’s much harder to be interdependent people (and churches)–the kind that paul talks about in 1 corinthians 12 where the parts of the body are all intertwined  together, doing what they are meant to do, forming a wholeness that they could never form alone.

for me, i know i often teeter between codependence and independence in my own life.  i have that typical adult-child-of-an-alcoholic-keep-the-peace-and-make-everyone-happy tendency and also the i-really-don’t-want-to-need-or-rely-on-anyone independence (honestly, i think independence is just a subset of codependence).

i need to keep remembering that real interdependence–which i believe are the ways of Jesus lived out together in relationship–are usually counterintuitive to so much of what i have been taught both in my personal-family-history-systems as well as my faith experiences. the codependent good girl initially helped me move up the christian ladder, and the independent-got-it-all-covered girl helped me survive in more ways than i can say.  but over the years, i have become more and more aware of how lonely & limiting & not-the-ways-of-Jesus this kind of living is.  it is prideful & self-centered & fearful & far from free.

codependence and independence are ways to control our world & avoid pain & failure instead of living the real, uninhibited, tangled up ways of the kingdom in true-blue interdependent relationship with people & God.

i am trying to risk my heart, my pride, so much of what i have known & engage in real, scary, unpredictable, beautiful, healing interdependent relationships with other men & women on the journey.

and i am hoping our community will learn how to be more interdependent in the wider body of Christ as well.

there’s no question, i/we have a lot to keep learning.

i love what jean vanier says in my all-time-favorite-book-on-inclusive-deep-and-healing-missional-community, community and growth:

“there is always a warfare in our hearts; there is always the struggle between pride and humility, hatred and love, forgiveness and the refusal to forgive, truth and the concealment of truth, openness and closedness. each of us is walking in that passage toward liberation, growing on the journey toward wholeness and healing.”

may we become more whole, interdependent people.

and may we cultivate more whole, interdependent communities.

God, please help us break free of codependence & independence and learn your ways of interdependence.

there’s so much more that could be said about these 3 patterns of doing relationship with other people & in our faith, but i’ll stop here for now.  as always, i’d love to hear some of your thoughts, perspectives & experiences on the differences between codependence, independence & interdependence.

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