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little pockets of love

November 16, 2009 by kathyescobar

little pockets of loveif you’ve been reading the carnival for a while most of you know that i’m a little on the passionate side when it comes to “the church.”  i have had many a critic say “you are so anti-church”  because i sometimes call out the inconsistencies & injustices in the system.  and at the same time, i have a lot of friends who wish i wouldn’t care so darn much about the church, that i could just let sleeping dogs lie & let the whole church thing go & be happy.   the reality for me is that i can’t. i am a dreamer. i believe in what could be.  and i feel deeply committed to trying to reclaim the word “church” in some little small way in my teeny weeny corner of the kingdom.

to me, the church has absolutely nothing to do with a building, a sermon, worship songs, a kids program, places to sit, and a person to look to.   it is about people. eye to eye, face to face, heart to heart. life to life. people knit together on the journey, somehow committed to living, growing, learning, eating, trying, and loving together. i often say that the refuge is a place to “learn to love Jesus and others and to learn to receive love from Jesus and others.” i know pretty much every church mission statement somehow includes loving God and others, but i do think that very rarely is the focus put on receiving love from God and others.   and even further, very little focus is put on loving ourselves even though Jesus inextrictably ties these two together, telling us to love our neighbor as ourselves.  no wonder this world is so messed up!   self-hatred, self-doubt, insecurity, depression, disconnectedness, and loneliness fill so many “churches.”

this past week i went to the denver premiere of the movie precious.  what a movie! i think it’s a must-see, but i do want to issue a warning in advance–it is not for those who have been victims of severe sexual, emotional & physical abuse.  certain scenes could be very traumatizing.  there are too many things to process about the film, but if i were to sum it all up i’d say that it is a story about a lost, hurting, broken, used, abused, unvalued girl who finally has someone who believes in her, who sees beyond the surface and calls out her beauty and strength in more than just words.  the teacher is the catalyst and invites precious into “a little pocket of love”– a place where she can receive love and begin to find hope & purpose despite the worst possible circumstances. i call that “the church” even though most others would just call it a classroom in an alternative school with 5-6 other girls who were just as hurting, broken, used and abused as her.

i believe that:

little pockets of love have the power to heal deep and dark and painful places in other people’s lives and story.

little pockets of love have the power to heal deep and dark and painful places in our own lives and story.

precious’ story is so painful and unfortunately, a little close to home in terms of the trenches we sometimes live in.  at the same time, it would be very easy to think that because we are in our cushy houses on our nice laptops reading this blog post that we can’t identify.  but i’ve been around the block long enough to know that precious is part of so many of us.  sure, on the outside many look better & have not experienced some of her intense trauma, but our insides are still filled with the same feelings of self-hatred, loneliness & fear.  there is one scene in the movie where the teacher asks each student to share one thing that they were good at.  precious said she didn’t have anything.  i immediately remembered a few years ago when i was facilitating an ex-good-christian-women’s gathering i asked everyone to write down 5 good things about themselves.  you should have heard the hemming and hawing and how painfully difficult it was to articulate something good.  this is a sign to me that “the church” has failed us.  it should be creating strong confident people who are in touch with God’s image inside, not insecure, devalued, disconnected-from-our-true-hearts people who can’t see anything good. “church” should be calling out what’s good, not just highlighting what’s bad.  i still think it’s totally bizarre that it seems like the longer people have been in “church” the less they seem to think of themselves.

it took a lot of work and i won’t give anything in the movie away but i will just say that the “little pocket of love” precious submitted herself to strengthened her to tap into what was always there but she just couldn’t see.

i think the real church is supposed to be a crazy, diverse scattering of  little pockets of love, places where the beauty and strength and goodness that is within each person has a chance to come out.  where God and man somehow intersect in mysterious, magical ways.  where Jesus-in-the-flesh is alive and well, calling out hope, forgiveness, purpose, passion, and love.

oh, but to get there with each other will require so much intention, grace, and endurance:

it will require us getting out of our comfort zones and dedicating ourselves to live and love and learn from people who aren’t like us.

it will require humility and sacrifice, confession and forgiveness.

it will require coming face to face with just how much we’d rather keep our hands clean and our hearts protected.

it will mean letting go of our need to just “get fed” and also start feeding.

it will mean smashing down all kinds of idols that keep us safe and sure of ourselves and far away from the living God.

i am thankful that throughout the years i have been transformed by little pockets of love.  very little happened for me in the big venue or the places where everyone was just like or me or where i could easily hide.  but places that called out what was deep within, that forced me to reckon with the really broken and screwed up parts of me, that stuck with me even when i wanted to run away, that pointed me toward God’s real heart for me & challenged me to pass it on–those are the places where i seem to learn the most.

to me, the refuge is a glorious little pocket of love.  it’s not for everyone, i know that for sure.  people who want “powerful teaching and amazing worship” will not be happy here, and that’s an understatement. i like to call it “Jesus school”, and i realized just in this moment that maybe in some weird ways it is closer to precious’ alternative classroom than i’ve even thought about.  some feel more loved than others.  some pass on more love than others.  for some, it’s easy to be there.  for others, it’s harder.  the thing that i feel most deeply dedicated to, though, is somehow doing what i can to cultivate a place where the beauty that’s inside each person has a place to come out.  where people have a chance to know and be known.  to love and be loved.  to grow in hope, in faith, and love.

i know that our little pocket of love is only one expression.  there are many people out there who are finding it in other ways–in houses, in pubs, on the streets, in AA meetings, in homeless shelters, in prisons, in schools, in some regular churches, and in a lot less likely of places.  all’s i really care about is people finding it.  and i do believe that many of us out here reading this are supposed to be part of creating it, nurturing it, cultivating it, whatever that looks like.

pockets of love are places where  the gospel can be lived out through hearts in action.  where Christ’s light can shine into the darkest of places.  where truth can be spoken.  where hope can be borrowed.   where food can be shared, the kind that fills our stomachs and the kind that fills our spirits.

yep, the more i think about it, the more i like this phrase.  the church = little pockets of love.

Posted in church stuff, dreams, healing, identity, incarnational, spiritual formation | 8 Comments »

the battle against the wolves

November 10, 2009 by kathyescobar

the battle against the wolves“i am i the middle of a forest.  there are no paths.  i have no companions.  and i hear wolves.”

- angela, a pastor & aspiring actress in the film who does she think she is.

* * *

we all know that the world “system” is slanted against women.  the injustices are countless, horrific, sad, angering.  and on the whole, despite the many strides that have  been made in big & small ways, women continue to make less money, hold less power, and fill less leadership positions across most boards.  we have a long way to go toward full equality for women.  since starting this blog i have written about this issue many times; i know some people think i’m a little on the nutty side related to women’s equality but unless we loudly and respectfully keep calling out injustice and showing what we believe through tangible actions the system will not change.  as christ-followers i believe that we are called to bring the kingdom to earth now & so we can’t just turn a blind eye to equality issues “because that’s the way it’s always been.”

for me, equality is more than just equality for women.  it’s about diffusing the power structures that keep underrepresented people oppressed; it’s about replacing the ways of the world with the ways of the kingdom (even though “the church” sometimes seems to look even worse than the world when it comes to issues of discrimination, prejudice, and inequality), and it’s about humanity becoming more whole.  it is such a travesty to me to think that in so many churches, 100% of the time people never hear from 50% of the population, that around the world horrific injustices are being committed against women & we stand by and watch.   there’s so much wisdom & power & strength lost when half of our voices are silenced.

on sunday at our house we hosted a viewing of the documentary who does she think she is? i came across it last year and briefly mentioned it in this blog post by the same name.  november 8th was a synchronized”house party” day and groups watch it together across the US.  the movie is not for everyone; it’s definitely not a christian film & some of the stuff related to goddess art & history will make some feel uncomfortable but the overall premise & the powerful stories told are so worth learning from.  it follows 5 women artists, each with different gifts and backgrounds spiritually, economically, etc.  they share their stories of the obstacles they face to live out their art.  some of their stories end more hopeful than others, but the overall gist of the film is to stir up just how difficult it is for women to pursue their passions.

i don’t think creativity is just a women’s issue; while the “system” is set up to favor men, i know many men who have the same obstacles to creativity and risk that women do.  they are dreaming of new ventures, want to explore art or music or creative passions and hear a voice in their head that says “that’s not responsible…it’s frivolous…you’re not really good enough…who do you think you are anyway?“  i was so thankful that even though our discussion had way more women then men we did have a chunk of guys in the conversation.  we really do need to listen & understand & learn from each other.

one thing i pointed out to our group and kept thinking of during the film was even if we are not a typical creative artist (as in photography, painting, music, etc.) all of us have an “art” waiting to come out of us. for me, although i like to write, my real “art” is people & cultivating healing community in some shape or form.  and while i’ve always been in some form of healing/people/relational ministry over the years, it wasn’t until i stepped into the world of pastoring-on-a-church-staff that i realized that i really loved it, enough to dedicate my whole life to it.  and the obstacles to doing it were great. i have 5 kids & a husband that was used to me staying home and sort of just dabbling in what i loved to do when it was convenient for everyone else, always remaining available to pick up the slack and make things happen at our house.  when i first went to work full-time at a mega-church in 2004, it rocked the boat in a huge way. it wasn’t a pretty year at the escobar house, to say the least.  a weird thing happened inside of me that year, though, that i really connected to as i watched the movie on sunday–i knew i had to do this.  the passion, the stirring, the desire, the skills, the dreams were all deep inside of me and started to spill out, and i knew that if i tried to push them back in i would end up regretting it and resenting jose in all kinds of icky ways.  so i did what i wasn’t really used to doing–i fought for it.  i said to jose “i need you to do what i’ve done for you for the past 12 years; i need you to carry me the way i’ve carried you.” it didn’t come cheap or easy; he initially admitted that he kind of preferred it when i was a better cook, cleaner, keep-it-all-together-good-christian-woman.   i can’t tell you the number of times i’d say “alright, i’ll just quit then” when really i knew in my heart that it was just because i was truly scared to step into it, to own it, to do it despite the obstacles.  i am thankful because after 12 months of haggling & living in the tension of our disparity, something shifted and he apologized in a deep and powerful way and began to provide wind to my sails instead of being a big heavy anchor (his words, not mine).  since then, we have learned what it means to do this crazy thing together and equally carry our family’s responsibilities together.  we’re so much better for it–it really changed our lives spiritually & practically & in all kinds of other ways that i’m so grateful for.  but, it is true:  our house is definitely not as clean!

in the film, some women weren’t so fortunate.  the toll that their passion took on their marriages was sometimes too great & 3 of the women featured got divorced.   there are too many themes to flesh out from the movie in one easy blog-post, but here are a few thoughts that will linger:

women’s issues aren’t women’s issues; they are global issues. statistic after statistic show that when women do better personally, professionally, economically that men and children benefit, too.  we need to recognize that when we empower women, we empower society.  the contributions we make are significant if we have the chance to make them.  one of the historians interviewed in the film says, “how a society organized the two half of humanity isn’t just a secondary issue.  it affects all of us.”

children add an additional complication & we need to figure out ways to value mothering instead of penalizing women for it.  there’s a piece in the movie that lists all the famous women artists, performers, writers, leaders, etc.–most names we recognize.  not one of them had children.  balancing kids with passion is a tricky, scary dance and we need way more role models on how to pull that off.  all of the time i notice that in the world i live in many of the women who are strong spiritual leaders have grown children or no children at all; those of us with little ones (and lots of them) have a huge disadvantage of “no free time” and often not a lot of support.   one of the women artists addressed what it feels like to have to stop working even when she’s in the middle of inspiration; she said, “if only i didn’t have to go home to the kids.” i have known that feeling & while i wouldn’t trade my kids for anything, i sometimes have to respect how difficult it is to constantly have to stop & start & work around & figure out-how-to-make-it-all-work-because-they-need-me-too.

we need mentors who say “don’t quit.” this is a huge issue for women trying to make strides in any area.  we must have cheerleaders, supporters, encouragers, other men & women who will look us in the eye and remind us that this is work worth doing, that the passions that are inside us must be explored and to not quit. and even though i am in the thick of it myself, i want to dedicate myself to encouraging any other women who need it that they are not alone, to find courage, and to step out in powerful and creative ways to use their voices, whatever that looks like.  don’t quit.

it’s going to be scary, period.  there’s no way around the fear of rocking the boat, upsetting the apple cart, and standing up against a system that doesn’t quite know what to do with you.  i was reminded in watching this film just how courageous it is to step into dreams & passion & try to pursue what’s burning in your heart despite obstacles.  to keep going when the voices get so loud and tell you that you shouldn’t and can’t, that you are being selfish, that you are sure to fail.   like so many issues of faith & life, there’s no easy way.  i don’t think pursuing creativity & passion will ever come without great fear and obstacles.

the changes we make will pave the way for the next generations. sometimes i get so discouraged.  the statistics shared in this movie are just another example of disparate systems that never seem to change, but the truth is that every step that we take on behalf of women & underrepresented friends now paves the way for those that come after us–not just here but around the world.  if we don’t, if we give up and give in, if we lose courage & throw in the towel, these systems won’t change for our daughters & granddaughters.  for other underrepresented friends who need us to grease some of the skids on their behalf, too.  they need us.

i could go on and on but i’ll stop there.   yes, i am sick of the wolves, the obstacles, all the ways that women have an uphill battle.  but i am also so encouraged by the strong brave women i know who are leading, loving, creating, trying, stepping out, risking, and doing beautiful things–no matter how big or small. i love what one of the artist’s sons shared.  he said, “my mom always told me ‘art is always a risk and sometimes it’s a risk you just have to take.’”

sometimes it’s a risk you just have to take.

as always, i’d love to know what this stirs up in you.

* * * * *

ps:  my friend jeff mcquilken wrote about some reflections on the movie, too.  you can read it here.

Posted in dreams, equality, ex good christian women, injustice, the carnival in my head, women in ministry | 9 Comments »

out of the darkness: never underestimate the damage of spiritual abuse.

November 5, 2009 by kathyescobar

spiritual abuseif there’s one thing that really pisses me off in this world it’s abuse.  to me, abuse is when people use their power, authority, position, or strength in unhealthy damaging ways to control, harm, manipulate, and use people.  abuse strips people of dignity.  it confuses and hurts.  it messes with our heads. it crosses socioeconomic and cultural boundaries and is far more prevalent than any of us probably know.  and while i often speak of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, one other form of abuse (which i would probably place in the “emotional” category)  is spiritual abuse.  so many have been harmed by messed-up church systems where power & control overtook a sincere desire to serve God and be part of christian community.  i hear story after story of weird church experiences, and the theme always seems to be the same:  sincere dear Christ-followers get sucked into an unhealthy, power-driven, unsafe system and somehow end up hurt and with their faith damaged.

for those of you new to the carnival, this past summer i did a series of interview called “out of the darkness” where friends of mine shared their real story.  you can see a list of posts in this series here.  i have wanted to include this one for a while and am thankful for my friend claire* who was willing to bravely share her experiences of emerging from the ravages of spiritual abuse.  she is smart, talented, powerful, kind, and extremely loyal.  she entered into a community looking for family and a place to live out her devotion to God and when she started asking questions and wrestling with her faith, ended up seeing how unsafe and unhealthy the whole thing really was.  she’s “out” now but is still healing from the damage.  i am privileged to know her and see God redeeming this experience in amazing ways.  as you read, remember there are all kinds of degrees of spiritual abuse–some more severe than others.  notice what parts you or someone you know might connect with.

* * * * *

  • share a little bit about your family, educational, spiritual background & how you ended up in a spiritually abusive church.

I was an only-child to a single mom, who raised me by herself until she met my step-dad when I was 10. They were both self-described atheists and very much lived the “just be a good person” doctrine. When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer, which started my spiritual quest for the meaning of it all. A friend invited me to Young Life, and over time, I became a solidly evangelical believer at 17. I was very determined to be “Super Christian” and was asked to be a junior high leader three months later, which further magnified my need to get a solid handle on this new faith. I read and listened to everything I could get my hands on, as I felt like I needed to “catch up” to my friends who got to grow up knowing what I was just then learning.

I went out of state to college and made sure that my first priority was to find a mega-church to plug into, becoming an integral part of the college group. I was also a Young Life leader, ran discipleship groups through college and graduate school, and later went to seminary to pursue a career in Christian counseling. My mom died the summer before I graduated from college; her death became a pivotal part of my spiritual and emotional journey. My step-dad soon left the family picture out of his own grief, and I found myself alone in another state at 22 and confused on many levels.  I was so vulnerable and longed to be part of a “family.”

  • describe what drew you to the church you ended up having to leave. what kept you there initially?

Several months after my mom died, a new girl at work invited me to come to her church. She described it as more like a family than a church, and something hopeful sparked inside my heart.  Instantly upon my arrival, I was both literally and figuratively embraced and the desire to matter was soon quenched. I therefore consciously ignored over time the theological alarms regarding the church’s beliefs, as it became easy to rationalize almost anything if enough love was thrown into the mix.

For the six years that I was a part, I honestly learned how to be an authentic Christian, how to let myself be loved, and to work through deep wounds. However, the painful flip-side of the truth is that there were more secret interactions that happened behind the scenes that darken many of those good memories.

  • what were some of the dynamics that you experienced, some of the “standard practices” in the community?

From the pulpit and in relationship, it was often relayed that God communicated prophetically to the senior pastor or to other leaders in the church. The pastor would say things such as, “Claire, the Holy Spirit showed me a vivid picture of your life, and He wants you to know that it is dangerous to run away from the mantle of authority that He has placed you under.” It was the ultimate trump card;  how do you disagree with that?!  While things were said that made me raise an internal eyebrow, the culture subtly sent a message that no one should verbally express any concern over these types of statements, lest we be accused of a “spirit of disunity” or having unresolved authority issues. Different friends outside the church started to express concern that I was a part of a cult, as my own opinion became less important than the need to submit. I dismissed their concern, as the family void screamed louder than all logic.

  • did you have some moments where you were like “hmm, something doesn’t feel quite right here?”  what did you do with those feelings?

I was the only one at seminary that went to a more charismatic church, and I attributed my discomfort to basic theological differences. In actuality, I did ascribe more to the evangelical way of thought, but I wanted the real life community that I was experiencing. I always wanted something more with my life, and it sort of felt like I was getting that. One of the things that I heard often was that a pastor could sense “the spirit of death” attached to me, as I was told that it would be my “thorn in the side” and always an issue. This meant that if the “spirit of death” was present, I could be instantly plucked from whatever I was doing in church or an event, as I could potentially be a hazard to myself or others unknowingly. While many of the teachings of the church did not completely resonate with me, I told myself that many things of the spirit could not be understood. I stuffed them into an incredibly deep place and told myself constantly that I loved the people, and so I could trust that it was really my unnecessary doubts that were causing my inhibitions.

  • can you share some of the specific words/phrases/ways-of-manipulating that were passed on to you?

While there were so many subtle ways of the abuse of power, two particularly poignant ways come to mind. One of the biggest ways was through eye contact;  it was made very clear that an infraction of any measure resulted in a need to avert one’s eyes. The verse that was used was “I will set before my eyes no vile thing.” Psalm 101:3. A small group leader would often have a conversation about how it was important to look at each other authentically and with pure eyes.

Once I got in specific “trouble” when, casually over coffee, I was letting my small group leader–who was a mentor to me–know more about my private world. I shared with her that I was writing a letter to my mom (who had died 3 years prior) about things left unsaid, and how my heart was broken. She then proceeded to later tell the senior pastor that I was, in fact, talking to spirits, which meant that I had committed an infraction. He told me in his office that if I was ever found to be communicating with the dead again, I would no longer be able to teach my Sunday School class. He then prayed that the “spirit of death” would be lifted off of me. I was also informed that I had to work out my sin with God and would be advised as when I could clearly make eye contact with my leaders again. If there was an infraction, it would be either directly or indirectly stated that as a transparent community, we needed to look at each other only with honest hearts. Even now, I sometimes feel myself look away or reflect later that I didn’t make eye contact, out of fear of not being exactly “right” in relationship. I am working very hard on purging that issue out of my system entirely

  • you are an educated, extremely smart woman.  i know some people might be asking, “how come you didn’t just go “this is crap” and go find another place to go?”  help others understand how easy that is to say and much harder to do when you are in it.

That is one of the absolute hardest pieces for me to reconcile, the fact that that I did buy in for so long, too long. I am so full of passion, and I have always wanted to make lasting impact with everything I do, especially as a believer. I felt as if my partnership in the church was my responsibility to make a real difference in relationships. I had become disillusioned with “playing church”, and I really thought that I had arrived at a place that did the real thing. The community component was unlike anything I had ever seen, and it made sense to me more in my heart than in my head. Once things started to seem off to me, I think I was in too deep to see the truth from a clear perspective. My emotional need to be connected to a “family” far superseded my intellectual apprehensions.

  • when did something significantly shift in your heart, where you knew “i can’t be part of this anymore.”

There were many smaller moments that shifted over the last year there, but a specific time does stand out. A clear moment was when the youth pastor and I took the high school kids to a conference. I was listening to some of the things/phrases specific to our church that he was telling our youth group on the way to the center, and it made my stomach turn. He was telling them that they needed to make sure to not “open their ears up to deceit” and to the “ways of the flesh” as this internationally known conference was not put on by our church. I was so very bothered that we were literally instructing our kids to not even listen to other Christians that did not believe the exact same way. As I sat there in the conference, I decided that I could not morally reconcile being a representative to a younger generation when I no longer believed in the practices of the church.

  • what happened after you left?  what were some of the ramifications of your decision?

I was not sure how to “leave”, as the church had become my family and many of my main relationships. I was pulling back from as much involvement, but I was still as committed to the families and friends there as when I did buy in. One day, the associate pastor, whom I was close to, called me at work to ask about my lack of regular attendance at small group. I confided that I was thinking about checking out another church. That is when his tone–and my world–changed.

He then started a rapid fire succession of questions, asking if the NEW church knew about my past abuse as a kid, if they would love me as much as this church did, if they were spirit-led, or if I knew what it was like to live without a spiritual covering? He said that in order to leave the church, I would need to get permission from the senior pastor, as he would have to give me a specific blessing. I adamantly refused, and he stated,“Then be prepared to deal with the consequences” and hung up.

I then received a call from the family that I was the closest with, the one that I had been on vacation with the month prior. She stated, “We no longer trust you, if you are not a part of the church any longer.” I then received the same message via e-mail about ten times from other families that day. I was beyond devastated, to say in the least.

  • what has your journey been like since?  what are you learning about yourself, God, “the church” as a result of your exit?

The beautiful thing about The Refuge is that it is very clear that the love in our community has absolutely nothing to do with a theological, political, or emotional state; it is completely personal. I am completely confident that if I woke up one day either believing something different or thought a different way about any spiritual issue, it would not matter one bit. I would still be loved as Claire, because of who I am, and not what God is working out in and through me. My hope has been restored for church, as I am part of a hope in action for a faith community.

As for me, I am learning how strong my voice is again, leaning into trusting my heart. I am seeing how not having to have the answers is actually the wisest that I have ever been. For years, I suppressed the real Claire that is both a woman and a leader and developed a fear of my strength. I always felt guilty for being annoyed at the “submissive woman” construct, and I am now allowing myself the freedom to emerge from under that idea entirely. I am experiencing how deeply I am cared for by God, when for the longest time I thought I had been forgotten in the shuffle. The amazing circumstances that led me to where I am now, especially physically, point to a God who is paying serious attention to details of my life (and I didn’t need someone else to tell me what God was saying).

  • now you are “re-entering” christian community again; what freaks the hell out of you?  what is bringing you hope?

It freaks the hell out of me to accidentally say or do the wrong thing and find myself reeling from a blow. For example, once as a church leader at a youth camp, I joked that the rec room looked like a water bottle cemetery. The pastor’s wife took me aside and literally reamed me for saying such an inappropriate thing, stated that I had a “spirit of defiance” and that I was communicating towards the youth a dangerous flippancy towards death. Now it seems ridiculous, but at the time, I was so scared of falling out of good graces that I quietly obliged.

It makes it a lot easier that The Refuge is so incredibly safe, and that even bigger things, like difference of opinion on theological or political issues, are handled so diplomatically. I am confident that I made the right decision where I have landed, but I still feel the urge to run away. Old doubts about letting myself feel too connected–and therefore too vulnerable–have re-surfaced. It is bringing me hope that I could be in a place where my gifts could be used, my voice could be heard, and I would have the freedom to “be” without the confines of some arbitrary authority) I feel smarter, stronger, and more aware of my own baggage that I am bringing to the table, and that offers a sense of freedom.

  • what words of hope do you have for others out there who have “left” and are lonely, scared, and confused?

I would say that it is important to trust the process, as there really is life in the “in between.” I was horrified at the thought of living in the balance of nothing–no church, a bruised faith, a wounded heart, and a lack of real “direction”. However, it was that very journey that led me to where I am now, and there was no real “map” assisting with my spiritual destination.

  • anything else you’d like to add?

What has been the most healing for me is to find safe people to talk with about the inner details of my journey. It is one thing to listen to another sharing pain, but it is so humbling–and ultimately very healing–to allow yourself to share the vulnerabilities in your life and find you’re really not alone, or ungodly, or “unfit” for leadership just because you struggle.

* * * * *

thank you, claire, for your honesty and courage to “get out” of an unsafe system and find hope again.  the church of Jesus Christ is supposed to be the free-est, least oppressive place on earth. it is a travesty that so many have used the name of God to control, oppress, and keep people in the fold. may those “stuck” find the courage they need to get out and find freedom, hope, and their voice again (or maybe for the first time).

Posted in fundamentalism, out of the darkness | 20 Comments »

check-it-out

November 3, 2009 by kathyescobar

TransFORM-icon-Vimeohey all, before i post the next out of the darkness interview i wanted to share a few links worth checking out this week.

  • the first is the launch of transFORM network, a missional community formation network that will be inspiring, supporting, and encouraging practitioners who are either already in the trenches or want to be, creating new, diverse forms of christian community.  i am excited to be part because this is something i am really passionate about.  i believe it’s time for “new wineskins for new wine” & that one of the hardest things for people who are pursuing new forms of “church” is the lack of support & encouragement.  it is clear that we need to find places that will help fan these flames into fire & help crazy dreamers feel less alone.    you can join the network here & watch the video on the front page.  and if you are on the east coast (or want to fly out from the west coast) next spring there will be a free regional gathering; hopefully you can join us and meet others in the same boat.  i am really looking forward to being part.
  • i have a few new posts up at communitas collective (i write there every 2 weeks).  some of you have already read the doubter’s prayer and a new one today is a re-mix of something i wrote when i first started blogging in 2008; this one’s called “to for and with.” check it out, i’d love to hear some of your thoughts.  you can comment there or here.
  • this article is a worth-read–why i stopped serving the poor–by claudio olivier.  i would love to hear some of your reactions on this; i aligns in so many ways with what i believe about what it means to be “spiritually poor” and cut the us-them b.s.
  • check out voca femina issue #13 (they go online monthly)  our last denver share party had over 60 women, whoa! it was a great night filled with so much creative diversity & beauty.  pictures will be up on our site soon.
  • and lastly, i can’t go, but if you can pull it off, it’s really worth being part of–off the map’s annual gathering in seattle november 20th & 21st.  this year is mirrors & maps: inspiration from the margins and phyllis tickle & a great lineup will be part of these interesting, dynamic conversations that aren’t conference-y.

enjoy!

Posted in just because i thought it was fun | 2 Comments »

doubt & faith: living in the tension

October 26, 2009 by kathyescobar

doubt and faith living in the tensionthanks for the comments & for hanging in there on the last series of posts on doubt & faith.  we wrapped up our series 2 saturdays ago with dinner & a fun conversation together.  my friend john & i facilitated together (how many times can i say that i love that in the refuge community we get to hear from so many different voices?)

john shared one of those optical illusion pictures that so many of us have seen–the one that had a face if you looked from one side and an eskimo going into an igloo if you saw it from another.  of course, in any group you get a myriad of responses–those who saw one or the other right away, a few that saw both, people helping others try to see what they couldn’t see on their own, others wondering why they could only see one and not the other.

i think it’s that way with faith, too.  people can see the same picture and view it completely differently. to one, it means one thing and to another it means something quite different.  this is readily apparent in our community where we have a wide range of theological perspectives in addition to about every other way we can be diverse.  some are definitely on the more conservative side and others would say they are deconstructing all they once believed.   what this means in community is that for some, when the Bible is read, it feeds their soul.  for others, it can trigger all kinds of other weird feelings from past experiences.  for others, “worship” fills a deep soul longing while for others the thought of reading words from a screen and singing them toward the front is just not very satisfying.  for some, God feels real, close, intimate, kind, good while for others God is distant and far-from-being-a-friend-at-the-moment.  oh, it is tricky to all live together in community!  but what i love about it is it reminds us how important it is to live in the tension.

to respect that everyone might not see what we see, but it doesn’t make us right and them wrong.  or us wrong and them right.  they just both “are.” part of loving each other well is letting each other be where we are at and not trying to convince the other to “see what we see.”  the tension of faith and doubt is like that, too.  they aren’t necessarily “bad” or “good.”   i think we need to shake the idea that faith & doubt are on some kind of scale where if you tip toward too much doubt, you’re toast and if you stay on the faith side somehow you’re okay.  they can live together.  they do live together.  and for some of us, they must live together.

i have faith.  i have doubt.   some days i have more faith.  other days i have more doubt.  and i think that’s just real life for most of us.  some questions worth asking are:  can i live in the tension of what others believe or doubt? and for many on the journey of making some shifts in faith & life,  can i live in the tension of what i believe or doubt?

i think an improvement “the church” will hopefully continue to make is to better respect that the presence of doubt is not the absence of faith.  to help people learn to live in the tension.  to affirm that real people have a wide range of feelings & emotions & responses that shift and change over time and a beautiful gift that christian community can give to each other is the space to be wherever they are and trust that God is at work and doesn’t always need our two cents.

i love being part of a group of lovely friends where i can still believe and doubt at the same time.

here’s the question john asked everyone to process at their tables:

  • “even though i still believe __________________, i often doubt that ________________.” how would you finish that sentence?

then, because sometimes it is nice to remember that despite all the shifts, despite all the questions, despite all the unknowns, despite all the doubts, that we still have something to hold on to, we closed our series with this parting thought, a chance to hear from everyone who was present that night.  we stood together & asked everyone to finish this sentence with 2-3 words max:

  • “despite my doubt, i still believe _____________”

mine feels simple today “despite my doubt, i still believe that God mysteriously brings beauty into the ugliest of places.”

if you are willing, i‘d love to hear some of yours.  they always infuse me with hope, for me, for us, for the world. thank you for being part of this crazy journey i am on.  it’s wild & scary but every day i realize even more clearly how not alone i am in the tension of faith & doubt.

so what’s yours, despite your doubt, what do you still believe?

* * * * *

ps: if you’re just reading, the previous posts in this series are–

next week i have another addition to the out of the darkness interview series–never underestimate the damage of spiritual abuse

Posted in spiritual formation, the refuge | 11 Comments »

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