what it’s like…to get divorced in church

* this is part of a recent series called what it’s like.  each person sharing in these interviews have unique experiences but so many of the themes are similar; it’s a  chance to learn and consider what some of these circumstances really feel like.   

in the 22 years i have been married and in the church i have seen a lot of my friends go through the gut-wrenching reality of getting divorced.  it’s such a painful thing for any person to go through.  in the church, it can be even harder because some of the God stuff attached to it.  regardless, one thing i have learned is that we need to better understand what it feels like for those who go through this traumatic loss.  unless we’ve been there, we really can’t speak into it.  listen into my friend johanna*, a dear and faithful woman who was in ministry all of her life and found herself divorced, alone, and a single mom.

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describe a little bit about your background, faith experience, and how you found yourself at the end of your marriage? 

I grew up in a home that was very broken – violence, abuse, alcoholism, divorce. We “went to church” – I was a sophomore in college when I came to know Jesus. I did not want to repeat the issues of the family I grew up in. I married a man who grew up in the church, was from the “perfect family” and was a pastor himself. Our marriage was very broken as well–full of rage, control, shame, lack of true intimacy. By the end of the marriage I had almost disappeared; I was lost and bruised almost beyond recognition in my heart and in my soul. Shame was overwhelming.  As a Christian, and as a pastor’s wife , I felt as though I had been branded with the scarlet “D” for life.

it’s all so traumatic, the loss of any marriage, but a christian one that’s in the public eye makes it even harder.   what are some of the raw feelings you experienced during this season?  

Shock–that no one in leadership in our church was standing for truth; no one would challenge my husband in the abusive behavior, or call him to healing and wholeness.  Isolated. Betrayed. Abandonded.  The church does not know how to walk with couples, especially if one of them is the pastor.  People were so afraid of painful and difficult issues  so they refused to try to discover what was going on underneath.  Friends whom I had cried with and rejoiced with, given wedding showers and baby showers for, men and women who I had loved and served with walked away and closed their hearts and their doors to my relationship with them and their families.  Stunned–that the “good ol’ boys club” and their wives still rule and hide and cover up sin and abuse going on in families.  Grieved in ways I still do not have words for.

what did you want to scream out to church leaders? to God? to anyone who would listen? 

To be honest, I had so lost my “voice” that I never thought of screaming.  All I could do was weep.  To God, to the few true friends who were not afraid to enter in. The betrayal of family and friends was so unbelievable that I lost words how to express the loss I was experiencing.  After months and months of prayer I decided to seek wisdom and guidance from one of the elders and his wife in our church.  When I shared the abuse and rage that was happening in our home, I was told by both of them that my husband’s anger was my fault.  I needed to submit and remain quiet.   The writing was on the wall.  I walked away in disbelief.

what are some things that safe people did or said that have really helped you keep moving forward? 

They believed me; they shared several books on abusive relationships and patterns of behaviour that helped me know that I was not crazy!   They did not judge or shame. They loved and listened.   They wept and prayed with me.

what are some things that people said or did that hurt, that you’d put in the category of “these kinds of things really harm souls so don’t do or say it”?  

People would quote scirpture verses, but refuse to even acknowledge the reality of our situation.  They judged and blamed and shamed in a self righteous superiority.  Once divorced, people often do not invite the divorced woman over any more. I was no longer included in  parties that I had gone to for years.  People often do not know what to do,  so they do nothing, adding to the already isolating and painful circumstances.

help others understand how shame plays into all of this.  

As a Christian woman, I tried so hard to always do the “right” thing.  To please God. To respect and submit to my husband.  To trust those in authority in the church.  The Lord has often shown me that I gave away my power to those who did not earn it or treat it with honor.   To feel like the “scapegoat” caused me more shame that I know how to explain.  There must be something wrong with me. I must be in disobedience to God. I must be “bad.”  People fear what they do not understand and what they cannot control.

how has your relationship with God, others, yourself changed over these past season? 

My separation and divorce has been well over 9 years now.  My relationship with God is the most precious and beautful gift that I have.  For the first chunk of  years I lived in so much shame, grief and loss; everything  I had known in my life was gone, much like death. In the past year quite a bit of healing is taking place.  I am getting stronger and finding my voice again; peace comes more often.  Both men and women have come to me asking forgiveness for the way the church treated me, for their own silence, and for how they judged me.  I am seeing more healing in my children’s lives.  I am more cautious with entrusting my heart and my story to those in church leadership.   I count as treasured gifts the friends who walked with journey with me.

what is one advice you have for “the church” when it comes to journeying alongside men and women who find themselves in the midst of a divorce?  

Love both people.  Don’t be afraid of the truth.  Do not judge.  Do not ever throw the first stone.  Love their children well.   Do not be afraid of what you do not understand.  Call sin what it is.  Rejoice and forgive when there is true repentance.  Be gentle and patient and kind.  Pray always.

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thank you johanna for your honesty and story.  each person who gets divorced in the church has a different story but the threads tend to be the same–the deep loss & shame & need for safe community in the midst,  i think this truth is so compelling:  ”people often do not know what to do, so they do nothing, adding to the already isolating and painful circumstances.”   this happens so often when people are hurting; we are afraid of not knowing what to say so we  just carry on, leaving the hurting person abandoned and alone.  i hope we can all become more and more brave to engage with the painful reality of divorce and do whatever we can to break shame’s hold on behalf of our friends.  that’s being Jesus with skin on.

what it’s like…to lose a job and try to feed your family.

i do not know what it is like to be unemployed and try to feed my family, but unfortunately i do know a lot of people who do. it’s hard enough to lose a job with no christian baggage attached, but add that into the mix and it complicates it even further.  there are so many issues about men providing properly & what “success” means that complicate an already tricky situation.  meet my friend jason*, a pastor who lost his job last year and has been trying to keep his family afloat.  others situations might be different, but some of the feelings of fear are probably the same.

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describe a little bit about your background, faith experience, and how you ended up losing your job.

I grew up in the church most of my life and I decided to enter into the ministry at a fairly early age–16. Thus, the last 24 years, my life has been living out that call. In reality, it is all I know: college, seminary and church ministry.

My ministry job ended in the midst of turmoil and strife. The church was struggling over the human sexuality issue and the church was divided. The fights within the community got ugly at times. It was tough to do ministry. One, you did not know who was remaining and who was leaving. Time was balanced in healing wounds, trying to keep the community together but at the same time moving forward.

In the midst of that, the ministry was attempting a major philosophical switch in the student ministry, and some students and parents did not fully support the change. The church leadership had chosen to go in that direction. When our senior pastor, who was a supporter of the change, resigned i knew my days were numbered. One day I was called into the office to talk about the upcoming confirmation class.  Instead, I was asked to resign immediately. 

what were some of the initial feelings that swept in when you realized your reality?  

There were two initial feelings that came across my mind and these occurred seconds after they told me this while I was still at the table. The first was “what am I going to tell my three kids?”  When we moved to a new state and this church, I promised them that this would be their last move before their school career was over. The second was “What am I going to do about health insurance?” I have family members who have severe pre-existing conditions and we have always had group insurance – it is now gone. Will they survive?

how have some of these feelings shifted as the job search has continued and you are struggling to keep your family afloat?

Throughout this process, we have remained “afloat”. We have kept a close eye on the savings account as it dwindled and had a circle on the calendar when we projected the account would be emptied. As we move closer and closer to that date, apprehension rises.  I have been so exhausted and stressed, piecing together small odd-hour jobs to pay our bills for barely any money per hour, trying to make ends meet.  However, we have remained committed to this:  “we are a family – no matter where we reside and dad is going to do everything in his power to find work where insurance will be provided and you will get the healthcare coverage you need and deserve.”

did you ever go to a food bank?  

No, we never went to a food bank and we never filled out any goverment forms for aid or food stamps. Part of it was pride, some of it was that “there are those worse off then us” feeling, some was the stigma (which is interesting since we served at food banks on the other side). We could not do it; we probably should have to save money but wow, that is the toughest part to wrestle with.

what are some things that friends & family did or said that have really helped you stay the course?

Friends and family members have helped by passing along my resume, informing me of job leads and sharing encouraging words on not giving up. We have had several friends and family members that have given us cash gifts, gas cards and brought over some dinners. In town, we have had friends try to help me land full-time local jobs, even though those were not successful, I did land a part-time job that did bring some money into our accounts and gave me something to do while searching full-time work.  

The best things people said to me:

• If you have to leave the state to find work, we will be here for the wife and the kids while you are gone.
• What is one thing we can do to help you right now?
• No matter what, remember that you are loved. 

what are some things that people said or did that hurt, that you’d put in the category of “this is most definitely not a good idea to say to someone in this position”?

At times, I got tired of giving updates: everyone wanted to know the up-to-minute status.  I was hitting the pavement hard and coming up empty, so it was extremely depressing to give updates with no movement. The one thing that was irritating was when I shared a job that I was looking at that was exciting or promising and people would sigh or go “oh, no.”  The one question that irritated me the most was “You are not seriously considering taking that position are you?”  I wanted to scream, Yes, I will do anything that will support my family financially and provide health coverage for them so they do not die. With our health issues, that’s a reality. 

what are some of the real and raw things that you have cried out to God in this process?

I have really tried to stay positive in this aspect, which hasn’t been a piece of cake. Yes, I am angry and I have asked God: “Why the hell did this happen? Why could I not stay where I was at? Why in the world do we have to uproot my kids? What kind of the world do I live in that I am now worried if I can provide health insurance for my family?  If they get sick and die, God, this is on your hands…”

With all that said, this is the prayer that I have prayed the last 6 1/2 months multiple times a day:

God, I am putting this job search into your hands. I am not going to limit where I send my resume due to location, ministry description or where I am wanting to land. I also am putting this into your hands by asking you to rain down the no’s – no matter how many – till the right yes comes. I pray that there is one offer and not multiple; so this is your will and not my will.

what’s one piece of advice you have for “the church” when it comes to its responsibility in these painful seasons of families on the verge because of job loss? 

We had no church family because we lost it with the job, and that has been tough.  I think the best advice I have is to be there for them, love them and give a safe place to be themselves, with all the ups and downs and not knowing what’s next.  My final advice: Ask questions and don’t assume that you know what they want or need.  Try to find out through relationship.  

thank you, jason, for sharing. i really like the reminder that we should never assume. it’s so easy to give our advice “have you tried this or have you tried that?” instead of listening and asking what our friends need first.

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other what it’s like posts so far:

• what it’s like to get kicked out of church
• what it’s like to have a child who comes out as gay
• what it’s like to have cancer 

coming next week or so:  what it’s like to slip off the slope, what it’s like to get sober from sexual addiction, and what it’s like to get a divorce in the church.

what it’s like…to have cancer

here’s another installment in this series of interviews on “what it’s like”.  the other two so far are:  what it’s like to get kicked out of church & what it’s like to have a child come out as gay. 

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i have changed the names for the “what it’s like” interviews for safety, but today’s installment is a little different. my friend from across the oceans, jo hilder, recently wrote a book about this particular topic so i asked her to be part of this series and share “what it’s like..to have cancer.”  unfortunately, many of us know someone who is battling–or has battled–this mean disease.  her new book is “things not to say with someone who has cancer” and is available on amazon.  let’s listen in and learn.

describe a little bit about your background, faith experience, and your cancer diagnosis.  

I grew up on the east coast of New South Wales, Australia, and became a Christian at age 13 at a high school bible study. I found being the only Christian in my immediate family a real struggle, and combined with the relentless bullying I suffered all through school it made for a miserable time. In church, I felt I had found a new “family” where I was loved, and encouraged in my passions.

I was no angel. I became pregnant to a guy from the youth group at 19. Ben was 18. We decided to marry. Those first few years were hard, but we had four more children together and a few adventures before settling down in a small seaside town and opening our own business. We joined the local community church where I became worship leader, and we sent our kids to the Christian school. We had a very nicely packaged little Christian family life going on.

Then one day, everything changed. I’d been feeling unwell for a few months, but my doctor kept dismissing me as an overworked, hysterical middle aged female. No tests, no examination. Every time I went to see him he shooed me out the door. Then one particular day in July 2003, I was sitting at my desk at work when a feeling of impending doom came over me. “You need to go to hospital” a voice inside me said, “or something terrible will happen.” Within an hour of arriving, an x-ray revealed a tumour the size of a saucer inside my chest. I was sent immediately to a bigger hospital, where they told me I probably had a kind of lymphoma–cancer. I was airlifted to a hospital in Sydney where I commenced three months of chemotherapy followed by two months of radiotherapy. That day in July, I left for work and didn’t get to go home again. Ben was literally left holding the baby – our children were aged 3 up to 14.  Thankfully our church stepped in to help. But from the time of my diagnosis, Ben commenced his own journey of shock, depression, trauma and addiction. Our lives were never the same.

what were some of the initial feelings that swept in when you realized your reality?

Strangely, when they first found the tumour my initial response was jubilance. Finding out something was wrong with me when my doctor told me my symptoms were was “nothing to worry about” was incredibly validating. My initial smugness toward my doctor quickly developed into anger and indignation, which took a long time to dissipate.

Amongst the natural feelings of fear and confusion about my future, I felt a huge responsibility. I felt I needed to guide people through my cancer experience, like God was holding me responsible for others not feeling confused or having their faith shaken. While I was away, I wrote a letter to my church, to be read on Sunday morning, reassuring everyone I was okay and “God was on the throne”.

In the first few days I was in hospital, I ended up in a room with a man who decided to stop treatment.  I felt responsible for sharing Jesus with him but couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was many years later I was able to forgive myself, and reconcile the fact my job in that situation was to be a very sick person, and not see my having cancer as a special mission God sent me on to save everyone else. I hadn’t realized how much pressure we Christians sometimes put on ourselves to make things “count.”

what were–and are– some of the real and raw things that you have cried out to God in this process?

Initially, I cried out to God one prayer only: “I want to see my eldest son marry. If you can grant me that, you can take me anytime you want.” I did see my eldest son marry six years ago. That was an emotional moment for me, but it’s taken a few more years to realize God has no intention of holding me to that bargain.

Over a period of years after I went into remission, Ben lapsed into alcoholism, and our marriage dissolved. His breakdown was the direct result of his being unable to draw on the faith he’d had since childhood for answers to his many questions, many of which centered on my cancer. In that dark time, I begged God to make my path straight – how much more trauma and loss could I endure? Our church didn’t know what to do with us – I felt as though all my years as a Christian now counted for nothing in their eyes.  In rehab, Ben was able to find the savior of his youth, and both his heart and our marriage were restored.

I asked God many questions.  I was anxious about the cancer returning. I was angry that people around me believed my story ought to have a “moral” I could teach them.

your new book is called “things not to say to someone who has cancer” and it couldn’t be a more perfect title for this question that i’ve been asking for this series– what are some things that people said or did that hurt, that you’d put in the category of “this is most definitely not a good idea to say to someone with cancer?” 

The book is much more than simply a list of things not to say. I called it this because we’ve all said these things, and had them said to us. Hearts aren’t bad, but we have to find a better way. There must be something better than the old clichés “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!” or “God is trying to teach you something through this.”  Why do we expect people to “stay positive’? Why can’t they be whiny and scared? Do we really think God gives out cancer as a kind of lesson, like a mother teaching her child about fire by holding the child’s hand on the stove?

I recommend avoiding using clichés altogether because they have the effect of stopping the conversation from going any further. They are a language containment method. Once we’ve said something like “Oh, my aunt had that, and she died”, what on earth can you talk about next?

Instead of using clichés, in the book I suggest ideas for facilitating open conversations with a person who has cancer, allowing them to guide the conversation. Sometimes they want to talk about it, sometimes they don’t.

The book also dispels myths about what it’s like to have cancer. because we often see people through a kind of “cancer lens” which can diminish them as a victim or exalt them as a “hero”. This places an expectation on the person with cancer to behave a certain way, which causes all kinds of problems.

what are some things that people did say or do that really brought hope & life into this hard season?  

The practical help we received in the first few weeks was amazing, especially meals. Our church was very organized and Ben and the kids were well fed while I was having treatment. The most impact in my life has come from folks who understood what I was going through and shared with me from that. If you can’t say “me too”, then the second most helpful thing might be “I’m here.” Many people with cancer say the thing they find helps the most is when someone is just “there” for them, without feeling the need to fill the air with chat or do a million helpful things. I think being there for someone is somehow quite perfect in most of the trials we face in life.

how has your faith been impacted?  what has this experienced changed in you related to your relationship with God, others, and yourself? 

Everything has changed, yet when it comes down to it, what was there in the first place is still there. When I was a tiny girl, God spoke to me when I was afraid in the dark and said “I’m here.” I believed Him. When I had cancer, and was huddled alone in the dark, afraid to die and afraid to live, He spoke and said “I’m here.” That became enough. It became everything

I also came to believe, because of all I’d seen and experienced, God is not as “in control” as we have claimed. I choose instead to believe God is unequivocally good. There are things that happen which God cannot prevent, because if I am forced to believe he “gave” me cancer on purpose, I can’t reconcile it with my experience. He never left me. He helped me in my darkest times. Before, I treated God like insurance; I could somehow “purchase” a perfect life if I prayed and worshipped and obeyed. I did all those things, and still ended up with cancer and almost a broken family. To me, God was, and always is, more good than anything else.

what’s one piece of advice you have for “the church” when it comes to journeying alongside people with cancer?  

Cancer is an area the church has pushed over to the “world” and said “these things aren’t supposed to happen to us, so you deal with it.” However, research supports that the incidence of cancer is one in two. And that means one in two Christians as well. Cancer happens, and not because of sin, lack of faith, or the devil. It just happens. It happens like earthquakes and accidents happen. And news flash – death happens too. To everyone. Death is not a mistake, an anomaly or a failure. It is possible to have a good death, and the church ought to be at the forefront when it comes to helping people have one.

We also need to stop treating cancer as if God does it on purpose to teach us something, and expecting the people who have it to interpret their cancer experience for the benefit of everyone else as in a  “testimony”.

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thanks, jo. i love this line: “if we can’t say ‘me too’ then the next best thing is ‘i’m here.’” i’m always reminded how presence & no-advice-giving-or-fixing go a long way in these tough situations.  remember, you can get jo’s book here or here!