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Posted on Oct 8, 2012 in incarnational, the refuge | 20 comments

“just bring me a shot glass” & being ourselves in community.

blog just bring me a shot glassas someone whose mantra is “downward mobility,” i’m guessing it’s crossed some minds out here how i reconcile my life as part the refuge with my life that includes flying all over the world and doing all kinds of appearing-not-so-downwardly mobile things.

it crosses my mind, too.

it’s been quite a wild ride for me over the years, coming from a family with a single mom-working-her-tail-off-to-raise-her-three-kids-with-no-help, to going to one of the most affluent colleges in the country on as much financial aid as you can possibly get, to an excellent paying job on the management fast track & grad school, to marrying jose and having a bunch of kids and building a pretty stable life together with a solid income to missional pastoring and this crazy life-together-in-the-trenches. regardless of where i came from, i am a person of great privilege.   we live in a nice house & have health insurance & cars that we can put gas into & a full refrigerator.

it can seem like a mixed message.  some of my friends don’t have gas in their car and i just got back from greece & turkey.  how do we reconcile the disparity?

here’s how:  we’re honest about it.

it all comes back to relationship.  i am not saying it’s a piece of cake for my friends when they hear about our next adventure or they see pictures of our happy family on facebook when they long for one, but i do know this:  they love me still and i don’t have to hide or pretend in community with them. 

i can’t say i haven’t thought about trying to hide.  sometimes it is embarrassing to say “we’re going to new york….again.”  but then i come back  to the most important thing i continue to learn–we’ve got to be us.  not this person or that person, but us.  we need to be ourselves and be comfortable in our own skin, with our own stories & unique situations. 

this means i’m honest and give room for my friends to be honest, too.  they’ve told me they’re jealous.  that it’s sometimes hard to hear.   but that those honest feelings don’t change anything.

during the summer when we had a mission team here from indianapolis, we hosted a justice panel where 4 of our friends shared what their lives on the margins were really like. it was one of my all-time most favorite things we’ve ever done;  i’ll always remember something one of my dearest friends at the refuge said when we addressed this issue of “some of us have more money & margin while some others don’t and how do we deal with it together in community.”   here’s what he said:  “as long as kathy keeps bringing me shot glasses from wherever she goes, we’re happy.” (they have a shot glass collection, the collection kind, not the drinking out of them kind).

these friends are lucky if they have enough gas to make it to their doctor appointments each week.  i do what i can to love & support them & help in any way i can but me not going on my trip will not solve their problems.  it will not take away their pain or change their world in a snap.

the best gift i can give them is a lifetime of friendship.

that’s how we do this here.  that’s how we live with the disparity of those with resources & those without.  that’s how we live our lives out in the open instead of hiding or pretending.  it’s because we’re friends.

real friends.

friends who tell the truth about where we’re going and what we’re doing.

friends who celebrate the beauty in each others’ lives and remain present in the ugly.

friends who keep showing up & trying to practice what it means to be a friend.

friends who cheer each other on in every adventure, no matter how small or big.

friends who are getting really good at buying shot glasses.

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ps:  more on our trip next week. it was really a beautiful adventure.

ppss: i wanted to share october’s column at sheloves centered on down we go. it’s is from down we go & based on a post i wrote at the very beginning of this blog. it’s called:  tortoise or hare: the gift of rising slowly.

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Posted on Jun 15, 2012 in church stuff, the refuge | 5 comments

if you want to hear me ramble about church for an hour…

blog if you want to hear me ramble about churchlast month i had a one hour conversation with chris yaw from churchnext, which is dedicated to resources & support to nurture healthy churches in all kinds of different ways.

it seemed like some of the video was a little slow at the beginning but then it started to kick in, but you can always just do audio.

it was fun, pretty much i just ramble about church for an hour, so it’s definitely not for everyone.

my favorite parts are past the mid-point.

if you want to listen in, check it out here:

i’d love to hear any thoughts that it stirs up!

have a great weekend.

 

 

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Posted on May 30, 2012 in healing, spiritual formation, the refuge | 11 comments

noticing what is, not what isn’t.

photo-4// i usually pace things out a little more here but i’m going out of town tomorrow for a week.  if i don’t get things up when they come, the moment sort of passes so sharing these while they’re fresh.  one more tomorrow & then back for summer and planning to try a few new things here on the blog to mix it up a bit! //

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“few of us ever live in the present. we are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone.”

- louis l’amour

this past season i have been trying to practice a simple spiritual discipline:  celebrating what is instead of focusing on what isn’t.  in all kinds of ways, it’s been helpful.  at the refuge, during our first few years, the only thing i seemed to center on was who wasn’t there, what wasn’t the way-i-thought-it-should-be, the things we lacked.  at home, it was the projects that weren’t done, the things i hadn’t taught my kids yet, the things-that-always-fell-short.  in my personal life it was the same way–always centering on all the things that weren’t instead of honoring the good that was.

this past saturday night at the refuge my friends craig & jenny facilitated a beautiful exercise on mindfulness & the art of noticing.  using contemplative photography, we set out to see things with new eyes.  i will post the refuge blog link of everyone’s work once they have the slideshow put together, but let me just say–it was beautiful!  amazing, the loveliness that we “saw” when we opened our eyes to it.

i was thinking afterward how the idea of focusing on what is instead of what isn’t has not been nurtured in my faith experience over the years. some might think it’s a stretch, but i believe it goes back to the core theology of depravity vs. being created in the image of God.  this distinction is important; when the focus is on what isn’t (all the ways we fall short and suck) instead of celebrating what is (image bearers, with all of God’s glory there to be uncovered), it creates an insecurity that robs many of us of life now.

we end up only focusing on what we aren’t instead of honoring what we are.

we end up spending all of our energy on how-we-fall-short instead of experiencing being fully loved by God, here, now, in spite of our character defects.

it creates an insidious and invisible bar-of-expectation that steals joy and peace in our daily lives.

we develop in-grown eyeballs where we are always failing personally, spiritually, practically.

“noticing what is” doesn’t mean we don’t care about transformation or change or that we are settling for less. it doesn’t mean we don’t desperately need God’s help & Spirit-at-work-in-our-lives to constantly transform us. it doesn’t mean we don’t want things to be different in our lives, our relationships. as someone dedicated to recovery & healing, there’s no question that there will always be an awful lot of inner-work to be done!

but i think we often miss a lot of what’s happening in the moment because we are so focused on the past or thinking we need to get to the future faster.

noticing what is, not what isn’t is noticing the good in today because today is all we have.  it is celebrating God’s work in our lives so far instead of being so mad about all the things that aren’t there yet.  it is having eyes to see beauty in the midst of the ugly–our own beauty & beauty in other human beings, too.   it’s practicing gratitude instead of disdain for our present circumstances.

noticing what is, not what isn’t is not all about our inner journey, either. it’s apparent in many other ways, too–in our ministries, our vocations, our relationships, our families, our present circumstances.  in each of these areas it’s easy for me to think of all the things that aren’t instead honoring the things that are.

something very interesting happened to me during the exercise on saturday night. on my walk to the place of quiet, i didn’t see much. i was focused on finding a spot, i was focused on getting where i needed to be.  if anything, i thought the walk was pretty ugly.

as a space opened up for quiet & contemplation, it was wild, really, the things i began to see.  God’s beauty poking up out of the hard ugly ground.  the crisp air & the blue sky.  the flowers in the midst of weeds.  rusty railroad spikes next to lovely colored broken glass.

on my walk back, i was much more aware.  the colors were more vivid, the beauty more apparent.

i began to have new eyes to see.

it was very simple, very profound.  a lesson i hope lingers.

God, it’s so easy to focus all of our energy on what isn’t.  help us cultivate eyes to see what is and celebrate it as a gift.

ps: this pic is one that i took on saturday night during the exercise. lots of pretty broken glass near the railroad tracks that i’ve never seen before!

 

 

 

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Posted on May 29, 2012 in church stuff, incarnational, the refuge | 57 comments

cruise ships, sail boats & holey dinghies

blog cruise ships sail boats and holey dingheysone of my friends calls the typical contemporary typical church-system “the big ship.”  they’re strong & powerful & plow through the ocean with confidence. they are dazzling and entertaining.  many of us have been on that ship in some way, shape or form, hanging out on the deck enjoying the ride called “church-as-we-knew-it”.

but over time many of us have gone overboard.

some of us have bailed out, some of us were thrown over the deck.  once in the water, some of us have been clinging for dear life to any kind of buoy, floating around hoping we’ll see land soon.

for me, i have not been holding onto a life preserver all on my own.  instead, starting 6 years ago, i have been out in a raggedly old dinghy rowing toward something new, bailing out water along the way.  it’s been a choppy ride. our boat is full of holes.  we don’t have the rations we had hoped for.  the waves keep coming up over the sides and slosh us around.  but i’m not alone in it; i have some really awesome friends in this boat with me who are rowing & bailing just as hard.

sometimes it is rough out here, all this bobbing around.

the big ships carry on without giving us the time or the day.  beautiful sailboats pass us by all the time (to me, these are new church or ministry startups who are fully funded by someone with deep pockets and have lots of people with margin).  they give us a glance and carry on, sure that if we were more capable people we’d have a much better boat.

but i’m more clear than ever that this holey beaten-up dinghy is stronger than it looks.

we may be taking on water, but we’re learning how to work together.

we may not have the food we wish we were eating, but there’s always enough to go around.

we may not get relief from the sun like we long for, but somehow a cloud always comes & we are never harmed.

we may not have all of the gear we need, but we sure do have plenty of the one thing that’s free–love.

it’s oddly freeing out here in the wild beautiful ocean with my wild beautiful friends.

i think new forms of church will look a lot more like holey dinghies than cruise ships or pretty sail boats.

they will be rag-tag groups of misfits thrown overboard & dreamers who-couldn’t-stand-being-a-tourist-on-the-big-ship-anymore & pioneers who know there’s something better out there beyond the horizon.

the cruise ships & sail boats that see us out here wonder why we don’t just hop on and join their fun again.  it seems like such a relief from the vulnerabilities and difficulties of the open sea. they’re right. it would be a relief. it’s a lot more comfortable up there and not much is required except for hanging out & enjoying the ride.

but once you’re out here in the great expanse, nothing else will satisfy.

several years ago, i wrote a post called why sometimes i want to throw in the towel.  it was about how tiring life in the dinghy can be when the big ships and sail boats are cruising by while our needs far outweigh our resources and we’re trying to care for a bunch of hurting people, many of their castaways.  after reading that post, one of my dearest friends sent me a message that said, “i’m here to row.”  he hopped in the dinghy and started rowing.  right around that time, a few other amazing companions did, too.  they joined our little fledgling boat & helped carry the load.

in all kinds of ways, they have kept us afloat.

here’s my hope in the years to come in all of the shifts we’re seeing in “church”:  that more and more people who-long-for-something-different will bravely jump ship from comfy cruise ships & pretty sail boats and land in some kind of holey dinghy, either one that they inflate or one that’s already out here.  

that more and more start rowing in little weird wild & crazy missional ministries and pockets of love, whatever shape or form they take.

that more and more will come alongside others-dedicated-to-love & mercy & justice that desperately need help to sustain.

that more and more of those who feel so alone, clinging to a little life preserver by themselves, will somehow find community & hope in all kinds of these rag-tag rafts.

and that more and more of our dingheys will tie up together for some respite & sharing of supplies and to laugh & learn from each other.

if right now you can’t hop in and row, that’s so okay, too. i know it’s not for everyone.  but maybe just help us patch up some of our holes sometimes, or bring us food & water, or help bail water for a while.

my guess is that there are an awful lot of holey dinghies that could sure use a little help, a little love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted on May 14, 2012 in equality, incarnational, injustice, spiritual formation, the refuge | 26 comments

love’s the thread & it’s stronger than we think

blog love is the thread and its strong than we thinki love the book of colossians; i’ve shared here before that when my kids were little we had the NIV kids club cassette tapes (yes, we’re old) and i can pretty much sing all of chapter 3.  each of these verses is a separate song:

“13 – therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselveswith compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 14 – bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. forgive as the Lord forgave you.  15 - and over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

in the wild and crazy conversation last week about equality, the verse 15 song came to mind–“over all these virtues put on love, which binds them together in perfect unity.”

my friend & copastor at the refuge, karl wheeler (who just started a new blog–check it out because it’s going to rock, details below), often says that we mistake unity for uniformity.  this is so true!  we think that when we are all on the same page, we have unity. but that not true unity; instead, it’s homogeneity that was never the idea. the kingdom of God is about holding our differences in love.

real unity is honoring our differences and being bound together by love.  

it’s the virtue that binds us all together.

one of the things i most deeply respect about life in our little wild refuge community is that we do not agree on everything.  we don’t have a statement of faith that automatically discerns who believes what (you can read what we do have written down; it’s one of my most favorite things we’ve ever written) and weeds people out.  we don’t espouse a “here’s what we are sure God says about this or that” or a membership class that people need to sign in on before they can be part.   when it comes to some of these tough issues of our faith, we are all over the map, with far left & far right and everything in between all tangled up together.

it’s honestly one of the prettiest things i’ve ever seen.

rich & poor alongside, even though life is so different from each other.  educated & uneducated alongside, because people are people no matter how much schoolin’ we’ve had.  liberal & conservative alongside, because love supersedes political viewpoints.  gay & straight alongside, even with different views theologically.   married & single alongside, because we need each other desperately.  men & women alongside, because friendship is a way to practice & learn the ways of love.

we don’t see each other through any of those labels.  we see each other as human beings, created in God’s image, all with the most important thing in common–a desire to love & be loved.   

when it comes to last week’s conversation, i want to highlight an important point about our life together.  our gay friends aren’t here making sure everyone agrees with them & our straight friends with a more scriptural conservative bent aren’t trying to prove anything. the same is true about any of our other differences.  the reason this works is because love is the thread that binds us all together.  as a leader in this community, that’s what we work our asses off to try to cultivate: a culture of safety (not of comfort but of real safety in a loving, challenging christian community).

and in a true culture of safety, we can disagree.

in fact, disagreeing is good.  when we don’t allow room for seeing things differently then we are in danger of creating more pockets of conformity and not living humbly in the tension of being uncomfortable.  our discomfort & differences force us to rely on God’s spirit to help us let go & trust & learn & wait and love more freely.

the world doesn’t need more pockets of conformity.  there are plenty of those to go around.

what we need are more brave expressions of little pockets of love & freedom, where Christ’s restoration of human dignity and value is at the center despite our differences. where humility is practiced in a very active way. where submission, one to another and not just one-way-that-works-for-those-with-the-most-power, is embedded into the fabric of life together.

but even though i think the refuge is awfully pretty (it’s ugly to the un-Jesus-trained eye, though, i promise), it is also a very tricky space to hold.

some have left over time, frustrated that we hold the tension between differing views on the Bible & theology.  they want us to draw lines in the sand and make things clearer.  some get annoyed at having to make friends with people who aren’t like them.  others really want better music & teaching & comfier chairs & something a little more predictable.

we refuse.

because we think there’s much more to learn about the ways of Love through our differences and discomfort than through our we-all-think-and-believe-the-same-thing and church-is-about-being-comfortable default.

my hope for the movement in the body of Christ and community cultivation is not that we sway everyone over to a new side on any of these issues and then all camp out together.   that would be way too easy (and is what i fear these hot topics will tempt people to do).  my hope is that we find a way to be together in our differences.  to create a culture of true safety that bravely lets go of telling-others-what-to-believe-with-utter-certainty-on-one-biblical-interpretation and instead wrestling with these hard realities of life together.  to see God’s image in each other and have that be enough to keep us united even when we might see the scriptures or life or a whole host of things different from each other.

love’s the thread that binds us all together in perfect unity.

it’s stronger than we think.

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ps: karl’s blog is called church dreamer.  check out the about page & his first blog post, Jesus hates flatscreens.  oh yeah, it’s going to be fun.

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