friendship: learning to let go

* this is the 4^th post of highlights from our sacred friendship summer camp, practical ideas for becoming better friends.   you can look back on the past few days to see the other posts; they are centered on the crazy stuff in our heads, safety & boundaries, and conflict.  

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one thing i’ve learned over the years is that every strength has a weakness.  and sometimes the stronger the strength, the stronger the weakness is on the other end.  one of my strengths is that i am fiercely loyal.  i give my whole heart.  i hold on to friends forever.  i don’t give up.  there’s a problem with that, too–i often don’t know when to let go.  i have been known to do all kinds of crazy things to hang on to some relationships that actually just needed to end.

part of my healing in the past chunk of years has centered on learning to let go more gracefully.  friendships can’t be one-sided, harmful, or unhealthy.  things change, we change. we grow, others grow (or don’t). whatever the reasons, sometimes friendships just don’t work anymore.  shifting friendships are painful, uncomfortable, and weird in all kinds of ways, but i believe wholeheartedly that God wants to heal our hearts and reveal something to us through them.

God keeps teaching me something really important about friendship—i’m human, my friends are human, and sometimes certain relationships just aren’t meant to be any longer, no matter how deep our desire might be for it to work.

one of the extra-exercises we walked through together this summer was a way to process some of our feelings about friendships-that-change and learn to let go better, to honor and celebrate what was, and learn to move forward without carrying around old relationship baggage forever.

i made a template that might help process letting go of friendships that have shifted too far to save, and we added a few things to it together in the large group.  these questions aren’t all-inclusive but a place to start.  i know, too, that some friendships we have lost are very complex and painful and this exercise will only scratch the surface; at the same time, i think it’s really healthy & wise to give it some intention and see what might help heal.

i put these questions in a word document for our group, so you can download it here.

or here they are below, too–questions to journal through, talk through, process through, in any way that works for you.

moving forward when friendships have changed: a template to help us process 

there are all kinds of reasons friendships drift apart.  sometimes we change personally or geographically and it impacts the relationship.  other times there is unresolved resentment underneath that never gets addressed and over time builds a wider wedge.  tet other times, there is direct conflict that we fail to resolve and bad feelings linger.  part of our healing and growth is honoring these different relationships and being more honest about them so that so that we can learn from our experiences and continue to grow in our ability to love God, others, ourselves.

these questions can help us process some of these friendships so we can move forward, either with them or without them. 

• describe the friendship.  when it was, the basics.

• a critical first question is:  is this a relationship that is about forgiveness (the past and needs to be put to rest) or about reconciliation (one that you might want to work on restoring?) most all of these questions are applicable to both, but a few are specific so keep that in mind.  if we aren’t sure, sometimes walking through these questions can help us discern more clearly.

• what was good about the friendship?  remember the good things.

• what was hard about the friendship?  be honest about the hard things.

• when you think about this friendship, what are some feelings that are stirred up for you?

• what went awry somehow?  how did you drift apart?  was it a conflict or a slow shift or ?  describe it.

• what part did you play in the change?  be honest about our circumstances, ways we’ve changed (often, when we become healthier the relationship can change), sin, character defects, or ways our woundedness or immaturity played into it.

• how did that friend hurt you?  what are some things about it that you remember that are still painful or hard about it?

• if it’s forgiveness, what do you need to forgive yourself for when it comes to your part?  i need to forgive myself for….

• what do you need to forgive them for?   consider how you can do this without their asking. how can you see them through God’s eyes?  how can you offer them grace?    God, help me forgive them for….

• what did you learn about yourself through this friendship?  what did you learn about others?

• take some time to honor what you learned from this friendship.  express gratitude for this person and what you gained from your time together.

• write a blessing for them, one that you don’t need to give to them but expresses your heart and hope for them and helps you let go.

• if it’s reconciliation, what is your part that you need to own?

• what are you sensing might be a next step that you need to take?

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i still feel a sense of sadness when i think through a few friendships i have lost over the years, but in reflecting back i can see how they helped me grow in all kinds of good & beautiful (and sometimes hard) ways; and for that, i’m grateful.

God, help us learn how the art of letting go gracefully.  

friendship: conflict is good (even though most of us hate it)

* this is part 3 from the refuge’s sacred friendship summer camp. the questions in bold are ones we somehow talked about together at our gathering or in the homework. 

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some of us are really good at navigating conflict in relationships, but many of us hate conflict.  look at a list of “adult children of alcoholics” and you will read my mail!   at the top of the list is avoiding conflict. for many of us, we haven’t had a lot of examples of healthy conflict in relationships. we tend to avoid problems and issues and accept “it’s just the way it is” instead of trying to work through differences and get to greater intimacy.  often, we think it’s just our problem.

underneath most of our fear of conflict is a fear of being abandoned or rejected.  we are afraid if we rock the boat, it might tip over and we’ll lose anything we had in the first place.  and the truth is, sometimes we do!  if we are in relationship with unsafe people (or unsafe systems), conflict just won’t work. i have learned that the hard way, too.

for the sake of this friendship conversation, we are talking about engaging with people who are trying to get better at it, too.

the truth is that without conflict, we really don’t have intimacy, which is what we long for & are afraid of at the same time.

real relationships will always have some degree of tension in them; that’s what make them meaningful.

• how do you feel about conflict?  are you comfortable with it? why or why not?

think of some past friendships that maybe you don’t have any longer for one reason or another.

•  did avoiding conflict lead to the shift somehow?  If so, how?
• if you had to do it all over again, what would you do differently? 

conflict is a skill that is learned and practice over time.  each situation is unique.  each relationship is different.  but there are some practical skills that can help us strengthen our ability to engage in conflict with one another.

the best starting point is to evaluate “what is bothering me in this relationship?” or “what doesn’t feel right?” or “what is sucking life out of it instead of energizing it?”

identifying it is important, because then we need to discern whether any action is necessary beyond just reconciling it in our own hearts.  that’s the next question:  “what part is ours and has nothing to do with the other person?” “what do we need to own?”  “how are our own character defects or woundedness at play here?”

seeking our hearts and asking for God’s help is really important.  then, often, we need to get input from another wise, safe person on what some possibilities might be to engage the problem with our friend.  every situation is unique, so it’s difficult to say exactly how each hard conversation should go, but we brainstormed together and added to a few ideas from cloud & townsend’s boundaries face to face that can be helpful:

in friendship conflicts, it’s good to:

• remain open and humble.  
• stay with “i” instead of “you”.
• be clear in our own mind as much as possible before engaging.
• clarify the problem (the nature of the problem, effects of the problem, and desire for change)
• balance grace and truth; when in doubt, go with grace.
• concentrate on feelings, not thoughts, and identify and own our feelings clearly. 
• be specific, be specific, be specific.
• stay away from “always” and “never”
• affirm the relationship.
• apologize for our part of the problem.
• be open to possible solutions. 
• clarify the expectations moving forward. 

when you read this list, which of these are easiest for you to do in conflict? which are hardest?

in the boundaries face to face material, they also point out the importance of differentiating between forgiveness, reconciliation, and trust in relationships.  this was such a good reminder, especially for me because i am  notorious for working my-butt-off-to-stay-in-relationships-that-i-probably-should-let-go-of (more on that tomorrow). they say that forgiveness has to do with the past, reconciliation with the present & trust in the future.

forgiveness has to do with the past.  it’s about letting go and offering to others what God always offers to us.  the Bible does make really clear that forgiveness is not optional (matthew 6:12) and that unforgiveness over time will really do us in.  forgiveness does not require both people, just one.

reconciliation has to do with the present.  it takes two to reconcile.  this is a great question when considering conflict in friendship–is this a relationship worth working on or not?  i used to think that every friendship was about reconciliation, but that’s not necessarily true.  sometimes we have to learn to let them go and forgive. other times, we need to work in the present toward something better.

trust has to do with the future.   trust is something that’s built over time and experience.  we have a responsibility in friendship to become trustworthy and to also call for it in the relationships we continue in.  trust doesn’t mean perfection, but it means that our actions need to line up with our words and it’s okay to expect that from others, too, in order to deepen the relationship (or not).

in the past, i greatly confused forgiveness & reconciliation.  i thought that in order to have real forgiveness, the relationship needed to be reconciled; it caused me to stay in on some not-so-healthy friendships for far too long.  and then, i would offer too much trust too fast and end up hurt again.   but i am learning!

• what do you think of these three things–forgiveness, reconciliation, and trust?

over the past chunk of years i keep learning to engage in conflict better. it’s not easy for me; my reflex is do-whatever-it-takes-to-keep-the-peace, but i keep learning that my initial reflexes are actually just controlling the relationship and not trusting God, others, or myself.

friendship: safety & boundaries aren’t dumb psychology words

* this is the next post from friendship summer camp.  it’s interesting that even as i share these here i can hear a voice that says “where’s the scripture in here? are we really going to talk about psychology stuff? come on, let’s talk about theology and church instead!” (hmm, mind-reading?).  but i will hold to what i keep learning–this stuff doesn’t drop out of the sky.  these skills help us become more loving human beings and i think that was always the idea!

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we use the word “safe” a lot at the refuge; it doesn’t mean easy & comfortable & whatever-goes.  it means becoming people who are healthy enough to hold painful real stuff, strong enough to say hard things, and present enough to create security.   becoming a safer person & finding safe people to be in relationship with is no easy task. most of us weren’t taught these things in church or our families so we’re trying to figure it out as grownups, often the hard way.  these skills aren’t pop psychology or non-biblical; rather, they are practical reflections of loving relationship.

there are some characteristics of safe people and unsafe people that we need to look out for as we form and nurture friendships.  in these moments i think it’s way easier to point the finger at other people and say “they’re not safe or they’re not this or that” instead of heeding Jesus’ advice to consider the log in our own eye first.  every day i am reminded of how much i need God’s help & wisdom to become a safer person.  that really was the challenge at sacred friendship summer camp–what is God stirring up in us personally related to being a friend?  not–how can other people be better friends to us?

also, just because we or another person possesses unsafe qualities (or not enough of the safe ones) doesn’t mean we should write them off completely.  we are all learning and a work in progress.  but it does mean that we need to be aware of them so we can engage from a place of maturity instead of defaulting to unhealthy patterns.

here are some characteristics of unsafe people, adapted from henry cloud & john townsend’s excellent book, safe people:  

unsafe people:

• think we ”have it all together” instead of admitting our weaknesses
• are defensive instead of open to feedback
• are self-righteous instead of humble
• only apologize instead of changing our behavior
• avoid working on our problems instead of dealing with them
• demand trust instead of earning it
• blame others instead of take responsibility
• lie instead of tell the truth
• remain stagnant instead of growing
• resist freedom instead of encouraging it
• can’t take no for an answer
• flatter us instead of confronting us
• condemn us instead of forgiving us
• stay in parental roles instead of relating to us as equals
• unstable over time instead of being consistent
• gossip instead of keeping secrets

while it’s important to reflect on how we “don’t” want to be, it’s more important to cultivate the good stuff.  here are the qualities of safer people.

safer people: 

• accept us just like we are
• love us no matter how we are being or what we do
• influence us to develop our ability to love and be responsible
• give us an opportunity to grow & stretch & practice
• help us feel comfortable being “ourselves”, to be on the outside what we are on the inside
• allow us to become the us that God intended
• use their lives to touch ours and leave us better for it
• help us be more like Jesus
• help us to like & love others more
• make the relationship more important than opinions
• receive instead of just give
• are humble & willing to say what we need
• are honest, kind & don’t pretend
• work through resistances instead of giving up

when i read through this list, i am reminded of how grateful i am for the people in my life who have shown me what safer looks like and keep challenging me to walk in this direction.

one critical of safe people is that they honor boundaries properly.  boundaries are where we end and others begin. a lot of us have really cruddy ones because we confused no-boundaries with love or we have been shamed into believing we have to give all of ourselves or we’re not being godly enough.

here are some things that we sometimes think about boundaries:

1. we are bad or mean or unloving for setting them.

2. we will not get the love we want & need if we set them.

3. others will reject us if we set them.

4. we really have no idea what’s appropriate and what’s not when it comes to boundaries in friendship.

there are many types of boundaries, but some of the primary areas include:  personal space, words (yes, no, what we want to share and don’t want to share), time, and emotional connection.

some of us have really fuzzy boundaries and need to learn to tighten them to have healthier friendships; and others of us have really tight boundaries and may need to loosen some of them to pursue greater connection with others.

just talking about safety & boundaries always helps me re-group a little.  i read the book boundaries 18 years ago and still every time i pick it up i’m convicted, in a good way, because it reminds me that this process of becoming a healthier person takes a lifetime. it’s part of our ongoing spiritual transformation and we can keep getting better at relationship through practice & God’s help.

what are you learning about safer people & boundaries these days? 

friendship: mind-reading, assumptions & saying-our-crazy-stuff-out-loud

* thanks for bearing with me while i archived a bunch of guest posts last week.  i’m still waiting to hear back about my laptop and whether they could retrieve my data so here’s to hope.  this week i’m going to be sharing 5 simple posts from the refuge’s sacred friendship summer camp that we hosted on wednesday nights all summer. we had an awesome group of men & women participate and it was so fun!   i won’t be able to recapture the conversations but will just toss out a few of the highlights we processed through together.  the bulleted items are questions we talked about.  this experience was about skills-not-theory.  everyone there was already convinced that friendship is good for us, that God made us to be in relationship with one another and that we continually need to keep learning how to do that better.  friendship takes risk, vulnerability, practice. friendship heals.  and it’s where we learn all kinds of things we didn’t learn in Bible study and sitting in church!

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one thing most of us have in common is we think all kinds of crazy thoughts in our heads that we often don’t talk about. we assume we’re the only ones struggling and are sometimes embarrassed to say these things out loud.  i remember years ago when i first started getting honest about the nutty-stuff-in-my-head, how sure i was that i was the only person whose head was spinning with certain thoughts and feelings.  but every time i would share honestly with some safe friends, i always discovered they were thinking the same things.

part of learning to be a better friend is becoming more honest about thoughts rattling around in our head about friendship. 

mind-reading is one area that gets a lot of us into trouble in friendship.

we think we are good at mind-reading.  in fact, some of us are sure that we know what other people must be thinking about us.  and instead of checking that out, we base how we interact with others on these usually false assumptions.

i am a pro at mind-reading!  i can fill in every possible blank and be completely sure that i know what others are thinking or feeling about me. i do it around this blog sometimes, too, and when i get going that direction it can drive me crazy.  they’re thinking i’m too much, i’m not enough, i’m this or i’m that. very rarely are they positive things.

regardless of how good we think we are at it, most everyone i know stinks at mind-reading.  we assume the worst instead of the best.  we fill in blanks with feelings and words that come from our past history instead of giving new people a chance.  we use our mind-reading as an unhealthy way to protect ourselves. we torture ourselves unnecessarily.  

some of examples of mind-reading for others are thoughts like this:

“if they really knew me they wouldn’t like me”

“they will think I’m too needy or too jacked up or too __(fill in the blank)___”

“they don’t have time for me”

“they already have enough friends, they don’t need another one”

“i’m not good enough, cool enough, ______ enough for them”

hand-in-hand with mind-reading are assumptions about people.  sometimes the softest people i know have a really hard exterior.  we assume people are way more confident than they really are.  we assume married couples won’t want a single friend along for the ride.  we assume single friends won’t want to be bothered by our kids.  we assume all kinds of things that separate us from relationship.  i personally can’t stand it when people make assumptions about me without checking them out, but the truth is that i do it to other people all of the time.

mind-reading & assumptions will always separate us from healthy, free friendships and connection with others.

in all kinds of ways, mind-reading and assumptions are ways to control.  to not have to trust.  to not have to risk.  to not have to communicate clearly.  to not have to let go and engage in more meaningful relationship.

part of learning to become a healthier friend is to stop mind-reading and assuming.

• what are some things that you sometimes mind-read/think for others about engaging in friendship with you?  what are some of the statements that rattle around in your head?  

sometimes these are truly irrational thoughts that don’t stem from anywhere specific except from our histories.  but sometimes, too, we have had people tell us some of these things in the past so it makes us hard to trust or open ourselves up again.

• can you think of some real things that former friends have said before that hurt and make it hard to open yourself up again?   

we cannot underestimate how scary it can feel for some of us to try to make ourselves vulnerable in friendship.  it is always a risk.  one thing that is 100% certain about friendship is that we will get hurt and we will hurt others, too.  guaranteed.

but the more honest we are about what’s going on in our heads, the less likely we are to stay stuck & disconnected. every time i say the nutty stuff out loud, i discover i’m not as crazy as i feel.

the most practical thing we can do is begin to practice honesty as best we can, to quit being so sure we know what people are thinking and feeling and own our own thoughts instead:  “here’s what’s rattling around in my head.”  ”here’s what i’m scared of.”  ”here’s what i sometimes think.”  

it won’t take care of everything but it’s a start.  and it’s a lot better than mind-reading.

God, help us stop reading minds and start being more honest so we can break down walls to friendship.