and…8 ways you can support friends or family experiencing a spiritual shift

yesterday i shared some things to remember when we are in the midst of a spiritual shift. one thing i want to remind everyone–no matter how hard we try, we can’t make certain people fully understand. at the same time, i think sometimes people are just at a total loss on how to respond. our language, our anger, our shifts freak them out and they just aren’t sure what to do.  i thought it might be helpful to revisit some ideas for friends, family, communities, and yes, churches, who are wondering “what do we do when people we know are spiritually spinning?“

here are a few helpful hints:

1. love us, not the words you are used to hearing us say.  often, when we stop expressing things in the exact same words people feel comfortable with we get judged, rejected, abandoned, slowly cast off.   the most healing and beautiful thing others can do to those in the midst of spiritual vertigo is love us no matter what, stand by us no matter what, be willing to see beyond words & activities & your comfort zone, and still love us as people even if we disagree.

2. simply listen & don’t to try fix, scripturize, or give advice.  it’s so hard to sit with people in their pain. we have a knee-jerk reaction to try to make it better and i always feel it, too. ” what if they just…” is often running through our brains. it’s so important to learn how to just listen, acknowledge the feelings, and not offer advice or solutions.  it’s also not a half bad idea to read through this list of helpful & not so helpful things to say & do when people are deconstructing, too.

3. recognize that there are lots of ways to live out our faith in Jesus, community, church.  many people are finding “church” in ways that look nothing like sunday at 10 am with music & a sermon.  i do believe that community is essential but there are lots of forms for it.  affirm ways we are growing, learning, serving even if it looks different and honor that God is big and can work in wild and crazy ways that look “wrong” or “not spiritual enough” just because they don’t fit into our limited paradigm of church. remember, God is big.

4. respect our anger.  as much as it feels like it is, anger is not a sin. it is a helpful propelling emotion if used properly and an important part of the grieving process. the sure way to get stuck in bitterness is to not have safe places to feel angry and keep moving through it toward letting go and acceptance. the ways we hurry past anger can really jack us up in the end and prevent us from finding more solid ground.

5. don’t hold us to everything we say & do.  we are in process. i sometimes rant, i sometimes rave. i still sound bitter & angry one day, forgiving & hopeful the next. i have been all over the place. just know some things i said a year ago i don’t necessarily hold to today and some things i am saying now i probably will be embarrassed about in a year.  allow us to change our minds and see things differently at different times. let us give up on going to church services or try some what-may-seem-weird ones.

6. trust the long (and i do mean long haul) process (and God). it takes a lot of time to move to new places in our faith. we can have doubts and still believe. we can be confused and still serve. we can be sad and still love. we can be angry and not sin.  don’t use your own pre-determined measure of “movement” and assume we’re missing the mark. there’s a lot more going on underneath in our hearts, our minds, our souls than meets the eye and it takes years, not months, to unravel what needs unraveling. God is always at work, whether it’s in our language or not. trust that beautiful truth.

7. ask what might be helpful.  i ask people a lot if there are things that do help during hard seasons.  sometimes people can articulate them, sometimes they can’t, but i’ve gained a lot of great insight into small ways that my friends feel loved and supported. it’s so much better to ask than assume.

8. consider creating safer places in your existing communities.  i know what it feels like to be a notorious sinner in a group of put-together-do-the-right-thing-and-then-you-won’t-suffer-christians. it feels terrible.  in some ways, spiritual questions can put us in the same precarious situation as lepers and adulteresses; we become outcasts.  it would be so beautiful if we could learn to live together somehow–the certain & the uncertain–and listen, respect, and trust each other, our differences. this takes some heavy duty relationship skill, putting people’s hearts–not belief-expressed-the-way-we-feel-comfortable-with–as the highest priority. but it is so possible with brave people willing to put people above programs and relationship over doctrine.

i know some of you might be thinking “how can i send this in an anonymous email to certain people?” (i can do it on your behalf if it would help, ha ha).

oh, change is so hard, for both sides. i totally respect how weird it must feel for some of my old friends, to hear me talk the way i do now. we will need to find new ways to love and honor each other through these shifts so there can be less hurt, less damage, less isolation in the process. a whole lot of grace & unconditional love seem to be the most important ingredients.

these are 8 off the top of my head, and i am quite sure there are many others.  what would you add?

8 things that help us survive spiritual vertigo

i originally wrote a post about surviving spiritual vertigo in 2008.  it was for those of us who were in the midst of some kind of crazy spiritual shift and were feeling disoriented & confused.  little did i know five years ago how many of us were out here, spinning and whirling without a lot of help for the process.

this week i was in a couple of conversations that reminded me how hard it is: 1) to make these spiritual shifts ourselves. and 2) for family & friends who are worried for our souls and don’t know quite what to do with us.

that post was extra-long & murky, so i thought i’d revisit it, make some changes, and split it up to be a little more helpful for both groups. today is part 1 – survival strategies for those of us who are experiencing some form of spiritual vertigo.  tomorrow i’ll post part 2 – tips for family & friends who don’t know quite what to do with us!

here are 8 survival strategies that might help when we enter into the land of questions, change & scary spiritual shifts.

1. get used to blank stares & nervous twitches. some people don’t know quite what to say or how to react when we start sharing things we are thinking or strongly disagree with, or are more raw and unedited than they are used to.  it can make us feel misunderstood, but remember, many of those around us just can’t get their head around why we aren’t playing the same anymore. we can’t take care of them, but have to prepare ourselves to be misunderstood.

2. let ourselves grieve.  spiritual shifting includes a tremendous amount of loss–relationships, comfort, ministry roles, family security, and all kinds of other things we once held dear.  i way underestimated how difficult it would be to leave  much of what i had known. grief includes a wide range of emotions and springs up in the weirdest of situations. i have gone to events or parties thinking it would be no big deal for me and ended up bawling in the car all the way home.  interactions with people, situations, experiences still tap into how much i’ve lost. part of healing is to let it be what it is and not pop a cork in it.

3. focus on love (and relationships). God’s love supersedes language and systems and cultures. Love binds us all together somehow. most of us aren’t throwing out God’s love on this journey of spiritual transformation. in fact, it’s just the opposite. we are trying to move closer toward it, to receiving it, to giving it, to knowing it in the deep crevices of our heart in ways church sometimes didn’t teach us. at the core of all the shifting seems to be a sincere draw toward how to live Jesus’ love out truthfully in the here and now. regardless of how far off the map we feel we’ve gone, if we’re pursuing Love & people, we can’t go too wrong.

4. strain to hear God’s voice in new ways. the reason i use the word “strain” is that in the midst of the din, confusion, fear, i found that the ways i used to hear God didn’t work anymore. i felt dead to things that once made me feel alive. part of the journey has been learning to notice Jesus’ heart for me, the world, in ways that i previously hadn’t relied on. songs, people, experiences, movies, bizarre interactions, random scriptures, all kinds of things started to get my attention and i began taking greater notice of ways God was indeed reminding me of what was true, noble, pure, good, trustworthy. it now comes in new & unfamiliar ways.

5. find safe people (and hopefully funny ones) to journey with.  some how, some way, find some safe people to process this with. this has saved my life, my faith.  my friends who listen, make me laugh, let me go off the deep end and still love me, who don’t care about my questions, my doubts, my radical ideas, but care about me.  online, face-to-face, in a group, on the phone, whatever you need, it’s worth seeking and there really is an underground railroad out here. we all have to intersect with friends & family who might not feel safe, but i have found that if we have enough good ones to fall back on, it makes the toxic ones less damaging.

6. practice soul care. this is what most of us aren’t so great at and can be the thing that saves our lives–and our faith–in the end. tenderness & care & being kind to ourselves is extra-needed during this season of spiritual upheaval and can help settle our swirling heads & hearts.  if you aren’t sure what might help, consider these ideas.

7. trust the long (and i do mean long) haul process.  it can often feel like the darkness is endless. some of what we used to hold dearly to is indeed gone forever and that is so scary, but over time (as in years, not months), we will find that what’s left is enough and that we are actually more secure and stable than we might expect. light begins to creep in and will get brighter and brighter over time.

8. consider pursuing some of your dreams, no matter how big or small.  so many of us have wanted to be with the poor, write, create, start something, try something. love our neighbors more intentionally, go abroad. consider just going for it, quit waiting for the perfect time. give it a try. experiment. risk. your passion is holy and slowly & surely brings forth new life.

oh, there are many others that could make this list, but i think some of these are central. what else would you add?

tomorrow: and…8 ways you can support friends or family experiencing a spiritual shift

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ps: just a reminder, too, about our next walking wounded: hope for those hurt by the church online class, starting monday march 4th. it’s a great way to gain some traction on healing and movement after a church or faith shift.  4 weeks, in a really simple & safe format.  if you or someone you know could use some help in this process, would love for you to join us.