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Posted on Oct 17, 2012 in church stuff, co-pastoring, leadership, the refuge | 26 comments

charisma, fairy dust and our addiction to kings

blog charisma fairy dust and our addiction to kings and queenslast week we hosted a small gathering of co-pastors from 5 different communities/4 different states. it was a lovely, simple time centered on sharing the ups and downs of shared leadership and pastoring these kinds of nutty churches.  i have a lot of respect for people who co-pastor because it is a very unpopular & rare model in a world that loves to follow one strong charismatic leader and is used to being clear on “who’s really in charge.”

i have a theory that as humans we are always looking for a king, someone strong and powerful and certain who wil tell us what to do and how to do it.  this theory isn’t just mine; there are countless stories in the bible that demonstrate this point.  just recently, i was reading to my 12-year-old twins out of the old testament (easy reading) and we came upon the part where God said, “but you don’t need a king, they will rule over you in a way that’s not good for you” and tried to convince the israelites they were looking in the wrong direction, toward an earthly king instead of God  (1 samuel 8). but the people demanded one and eventually he gave them what they wanted.

today, still, we are addicted to hero worship and intoxicated by charisma.  look at who leads most every popular ministry. if they aren’t good looking (which is an extra bonus), then they seem to have the secret ingredient to success in a lot of contemporary christian ministry–charisma.

charisma in and of itself isn’t bad.  like everything, it has a light side and a dark side, a strength & a weakness. when it comes to the church, i believe charisma has been used for more bad than good because it creates a falseness to what kingdom living is all about.   i have seen people who will move heaven and earth to get to church when a certain pastor is speaking and drop that church like a hot potato when the pastor ends up resigning or getting fired.  i have seen people willing to ignore affairs, horribly damaging power plays, crazy unhealthy leadership, and a ton of other flaws for the sake of getting a sunday morning charisma fix.

i am not dismissing that many people are drawn to God in a very sincere way through these leaders, but that doesn’t change my belief that we have developed an unhealthy & damaging reliance on them.

i can’t think of one megachurch that doesn’t have three central ingredients: a charismatic teacher/leader, awesome music, and an amazing kids program. take out the music & kids program, and a charismatic leader can still sustain it.  take out all 3, and it’s almost guaranteed that things will dwindle.  fast.  give them up over the long haul and eventually everyone can see what’s really left–dedicated people who want more than charisma.

i also know that so many people don’t even know they are currently under the spell or how aware of how strong the pull is.

i’ll always remember how a few years ago i was at a party and bumped into a pastor who had done some pretty serious damage to a lot of people.  we had a brief conversation and when i got into the car, i shared the conversation with my husband, jose, and started singing his praises; it was kind of freaky.  jose was like, “listen to yourself, kathy, im telling you, he just sprinkled his fairy dust on you!”  he was so right!  i knew better, but in a snap i was under the spell.  unfortunately a lot of us don’t have joses around to remind us of reality.

i know of so many churches right now–small and mid-sized all over the place, not only in denver–who are struggling deeply right now because a whole bunch of people somehow became mesmerized by a charismataic leader’s teaching and left their local churches to feed an inspiration addiction.  it makes me so sad, but that’s what we have created as a system over the years.

we give people what they want in the moment, not what they need for the long haul.

my dear friends who gathered here in the mountains last week aren’t perfect.  none have the end-all-be-all solution to solve all of the ills of church, but i highly value each of them because they have chosen to use their charisma and influence as leaders to model things sorely lacking in the body of Christ–leaders who humbly share, men & women side by side as equals & friends, pastors dedicated to sacrificing growth in numbers to center on growth in relationship, people who diffuse power instead of amass it, servants who serve instead of expect to be served. 

yeah, there’s nothing wrong with charisma, but there’s a big difference between using it to cuiltivate The Kingdom here on earth or using it to build A Kingdom.

the sure way to know the difference is if you take out a powerful dynamic speaker, awesome music, and flashy kids program and see what’s left.  my guess is it won’t be long before an awful lot of people are looking for a king and jonesing for some fairy dust.

* * * * *

ps:  a lot of people i know have been hurt by mis-used charisma or by systems that abused power and did spiritual damage to people’s souls.  no matter how big or small the hurt, one thing feels more clear than ever–church wounds can really do a number on our heads and hearts.  my friend and partner in creating safe online spaces for healing, phyllis mathis, and i are facilitating another round of walking wounded: hope for those hurt by the church starting november 6th.  it’s a safe space to process some of these feelings without judgment, spiritualizing, or fixing. 4 weeks, a mix of video & reflection questions & hope.  registration is now open, $79 for some really helpful tools for moving forward and getting unstuck, way cheaper than therapy.  feel free to email me if you have any questions.
Walking Wounded. Register now.

 

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Posted on May 21, 2012 in church stuff, equality, leadership | 24 comments

power is not like pie.

blog power is not like piefriday night my amazing & wise & passionate friend pam hogeweide was at the refuge for a really fun event centered on her book unladylike: resisting the injustice of inequality in the church. a listening party, it was a chance for women & men to share stories and process some of these tough issues of the oppression of women in the church.  it was an amazing night & stirred up all kinds of loveliness.  over the next few weeks i’ll try to write a few things that jumped out at me from what pam & others shared throughout the evening.  pam didn’t specifically share this content, but a comment someone offered made me think of it, so i’ll start with this:

it’s all about power.

patriarchy in the church, in the world, isn’t just about male-centered leadership in our church system. it’s about who’s got the power because in our human-brains-who-are-bent-on-making-it-all-make-sense, it must be clear.

and making it clear means that we have to make it finite.

we think of it like a limited resource.

we think of it as being a certain size.

we think of it like a pie, with only so many pieces to slice up.

we think that when someone gets more power, that means someone else has to get less.

this is why when we think of men and women leading alongside each other, or any other underrepresented group stepping into greater leadership in some way, shape, or form, we default to needing to step aside to make room for others.  we default to leaving the table so that others can sit at it.  we default to silencing our voices so that others can use theirs.

some of that is true–when moving toward greater equality those with power will have to make some shifts to allow others to step into theirs.  but if we’re not careful, we will end up in the same place we were before, where power shifts to a new group of people and the others are silenced and feel resentment and hurt. 

in the kingdom of God, there’s another possibility.

power is not like pie at all. 

instead, it’s more like loaves & fishes.

there’s this wild and beautiful and miraculous thing that can happen when we share it together.  it multiplies.   and multiplies.

on our little wacky refuge team, i have seen this in action.  the more we are all more fully present, alive, engaged in who we are–male, female, in all our strengths in all our weaknesses–the more free we are, the more alive we are, the more the kingdom of God is reflected in community together. it’s been hard over the years because of a misperception of power as pie.  if we live with the idea that there are only so many slices, then someone’s going to go hungry.

it doesn’t have to be that way.    we need to re-think power.  and respect that power diffusion doesn’t limit power but increases it.

the ways of God are not the ways of this world.  that’s much of our problem.  we have limited God.  and we’ve shortchanged each other.  our default to only living under or over another instead of alongside  has jacked with our hope.  we have adopted models of leadership in our churches that don’t require faith or relationship.  we have adopted models of living together in community that are based on fear .  we have adopted a spirit of scarcity instead of abundance.

and our ways have caused us to become controlling.

underneath control is fear.

systems of patriarchy are built on deeply grooved systems of fear and a belief that power is like pie, with only so much to go around.

Jesus came to break down these systems of fear & control & self-protection and liberate us all.

i completely understand that the world needs organizations where power must be limited, defined, and protected. that’s how it goes when there is work to be done and money to be made.

but the church should be different. 

it should not reflect the power structures of the world.  it should not be built on a spirit of fear and control but on a spirit of love and relationship and equality. 

yes, we come with a bunch of different abilities and disabilities, and we are not all the same. it’s easy for us to say “it’s not possible”, that power issues are too complex and we’re in too deep to ever change it.  but i’m one of those nutty people who is crazy enough to believe it’s possible.

i am seeing what can happen when we stop seeing power as pie and start trusting God to multiply what we’ve got and feed us all. when we stop seeing only so many seats at the table and keep adding in leaves. when we create spaces for men & women, black & white, gay & straight, rich & poor, to live alongside each other with equal value. when we empower each other in any way we can, respecting that we can’t expect everyone to be “fully alive” at the same time but what we can do is fan whatever life we can into flame.

yeah, in the world, power is like pie.

but in the kingdom of God, it’s much more like loaves and fishes, where all may eat and no one has to go hungry.

 

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Posted on Apr 2, 2012 in advent & lent, church stuff, jesus is cool, leadership | 16 comments

kings.

blog kingsyesterday was palm sunday.  i love the easter story; in fact, this week is my very favorite week of the entire year.  like advent & the anticipation of Jesus’ birth, i love the upside-downness of it all.  Jesus, the promised king, the messiah, all grown up, enters into jerusalem to a roar of “hosannas!” and the thrill of impending victory.  people were excited, inspired, drawn, hopeful.  they were ready for him to kick ass and take names, to topple the empire and restore justice.

he’ll make all that was wrong right.

but as the week progresses, things radically shifted.  he had stirred the pot too strongly.  he’d upset too many apple carts.  he challenged the status quo far too deeply.

he started doing all kinds of un-king-like things.

he touched lepers.
he dined with sinners.
he called out religiosity on its hypocrisy.
he told everybody they needed to be last, not first.
he said that love trumped all.
that the way up toward God was to go down to the places of real life, real pain.
that God desired mercy, not sacrifice.

and then, next thing they knew he was washing feet, talking about dying, telling us we needed each other in all of this.

wait a second!  this wasn’t the kind of king-like behavior we were hoping for.

things went bad to worse after the foot washing.  he was arrested, tried, and sentenced to die.  and then, instead of getting off the cross and saving the day that way he actually died.

right there in front of them.

he was sacrificed. he appeared powerless, defeated.

all that excitement for nothing.

some king he was!

sure, we know a few days later, the tides turned yet again and he wasn’t dead but alive.  appearing to his friends.  telling them some of the same crazy things he had been telling them before he died.  the spirit of God, alive and well, at work in people’s lives ever since.

but the truth is that it’s always been a confusing story.  one that makes us scratch our heads a little and wonder “why did God choose to do it this way when there were a lot of better, more clear, easier-to-understand, more really-king-like options?”

as i reflect on the beginning of holy week and our journey toward easter, i think so many of the same human dynamics are at play today.  sociology is powerful.  our demands for strong, powerful, charismatic, certain leaders is alive & well.  just look around at big rocking churches.  there aren’t a lot of people leading them who are washing other people’s feet, dining with lepers, and telling mind-boggling, confusing stories that has everyone shaking their head, going “huh?”

rather, what makes most of them strong is their certainty, their power, their charisma, their “king-like” qualities.

my theory is that even though we know Jesus is the real king, we are still desperately looking for one here that makes more sense than Jesus.  pastors, leaders, podcasters, writers, speakers, someone to tell us what to do & think, what’s okay & what’s not okay, what the scripture says & doesn’t say, who’s in & who’s out.

we are drawn to power & charisma, not the beatitudes-infused kind Jesus embodied and preached, but a worldly power that keeps us underneath so we can feel more protected, comfortable, contained. 

we are addicted to inspiration.

but the gospel was never supposed to be protected, comfortable, or contained. or inspiring in a sit-and-listen-and-feel-better-afterward kind of way.

what makes it the gospel is its wildness, rawness, unexpectedness, and challenge to us.  that God shows up in the least likely places instead of the most.  that he pierces the darkness with unexplainable light. that we should follow his weird & wild ways, not men’s self-serving ones.  that in order to be born again (and again) we need to die yet again (and then over again).

when i was in el salvador this past week with my family i had a lot of time to think & write & read; one of the things i thought about a lot is how desperate we are for an earthly king.  i am sometimes, too. i want someone to swoop in and tell me what to do and rescue me from my doubts & questions.  i want someone to put me & God & the whole kit and kaboodle back in a box so my faith can somehow be more manageable.

but then the feeling always subsides & i realize i do have a king.

a humble one, who says that i’m blessed when i realize my spiritual poverty (not when i’ve got it all nailed down).

a gentle one, who whispers to me that he understands my pain & struggle because he was human, too.

a wild & crazy one, who keeps reminding me that his ways will always be counter-cultural & harder but also better.

a not-the-way-kings-usually-look king, who says he’s not here to boss me around and make all my troubles go away, but rather that he’d be present in the midst of them.

a counter-cultural king, who calls me to spiritual poverty, mourning, mercy, meekness, justice and love as the path to freedom.

my hope is that over time we’d learn to quit crowning earthly kings, giving our time and money and souls to them, thinking they will save the day.

rather, i hope we can pick up our crosses and follow the one who really can.

* * * * *

ps: i really love this post by sarah bessey that i think points to what we expect of ourselves, too, when it comes to this king-hero-strength-means-big-and-amazing issue:  in which i have an evangelical hero complex.

 

 

 

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Posted on Feb 20, 2012 in church stuff, incarnational, leadership | 31 comments

there are a lot of ways to pastor

there are a lot of ways to pastor “in his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. so if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you.  if your gift is serving others, serve them well. if you are a teacher, teach well.  if your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. if it is giving, give generously. if God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. and if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.” – romans 12:6-8

* * * * *

the word “pastor” is such a loaded word. not quite as loaded as “church” but with some of the same baggage. we assume that pastors have a certain kind of education & training & credentials that make them able to do the work that they are doing.  pastor has become a title, a role, a job description; the implication of it is that it is a role that is definitely connected to a church system.

we need to re-think the word pastor. i won’t rehash all of the thoughts from that old post, but it’s been on my mind in this past season as i hear from awesome & wonderful people who have huge hearts for people & God & are “pastors” in their contexts.  often, their gifts aren’t valued because they don’t have the credentials or titles to go with it.  they don’t make any money.  they don’t have any formal training. they don’t have anyone to empower them formally.

but they are pastors–shepherds, caregivers, lovers-of-people.  they are the ones that people go to when they are hurting.  they show up when no one else shows up. they listen.  and check in.  cheerlead.  pray.  feed.  care.  laugh.  cry.  grieve.  they are the loving presence of Christ in the midst of every day life.

others are strangely drawn to them.

my guess is that in every neighborhood there’s a pastor.

in every office.

in every school.

in every family.

in every organization.

in every group.

people who others go to for spiritual love & support & care in the midst of their real lives.

being a good pastor is of great value, and skills like knowing the difference between caretaking and caregiving, and so many other things necessary to the work should be appreciated.

i have a feeling a lot of you are pastors but have never had that title next to your name.

i also know a lot of you are pastors, with the title and role, and do all kinds of beautiful things to love & care & shepherd & guide the people in your communities.  i do not for a minute want to minimize the hard work you are doing.  i, too, have the title & role & some of the benefits that come from this position.  i am grateful for this season in my life, and it is a privilege to be able to have my vocation & passion merge this way.

but i really want to honor all the amazing pastors out there who will never be in these specific church ministry positions.  who will never go to seminary. who will never have the title.  who may never preach from the front.  who may always think of themselves “less than” typical pastors because the title has not been bestowed up on them properly.

here’s what i want to say to those of you in this boat:

you are a pastor.

God gave you this gift.

your love & heart & compassion & care & presence matters.

you do not need to be ordained by a system to be ordained by God to live out the gift that you have.

you do not need to go to seminary to somehow to be made legit.

you do not need someone “above” you to tell you how to use it.

you do not need to dismiss the fire in your belly & the love in your heart because you don’t have what the church associates with the role.

just keep doing what you do naturally.

be a safe person for others. 

create little pockets of love without asking for permission.

go to people.

gather people.

love people.

the world needs you.

the world isn’t crying out for more theologians, seminarians, or the next-newest-and-greatest-church plant (although the “machine of church” might be).

no, the world is crying out for more “pastors”, people who will bravely and freely extend Christ’s love, hope, care, mercy & justice in a broken & hurting world. 

keep remembering–there are a lot of ways to pastor.

 

 

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Posted on Feb 13, 2012 in church stuff, dreams, equality, incarnational, injustice, leadership | 8 comments

seeds matter.

seeds matteri have a black thumb. like if anything green enters my house–plants, flowers, yes even cactuses, within a week or two they are completely dead. it is funny to me that i ended up with this imagery from my post 2 weeks ago–plant new trees.  i was amazed by how so many resonated with it and now i, the worst-grower-of-anything green, am going in for round 2 on the tree metaphor!

i also wanted to clarify something important about tree planting.  trees just aren’t “church plants” in the typical sense, although they can be.  i said,

these trees can be all kinds of shapes and sizes–individual relationships, groups, churches, ministries, organizations–little pockets of love & freedom cropping up all over that influence people and model a better way, a free-er way, an equal way, a more “oh, that’s what Jesus looks like” way.

we are the church.

wherever we go, wherever we are, wherever we are called to live, wherever we work, whatever relationships we are in, we can play our part in reflecting the fullness of God’s image and infuse the people & systems we are in with equality, dignity, and freedom in small or big ways.

in our families.
in our friendships.
in our neighborhoods.
in the places we work.
in our groups.
in our churches and faith communities.
in our ministries and places of passion.

we don’t have to keep perpetuating systems we fundamentally disagree with.  we don’t have to pass on a legacy of inequality and sexism to our children.  we don’t have to comprise our integrity  to keep fitting in.

change starts with us.  in down we go, i wrote “change is possible. otherwise I would have given up a long time ago.”   so many of you know this, too.  you’ve had every reason to give up after some of what you’ve seen in “the church” and you haven’t. you give me so much hope. but similar to what we are seeing in the farming industry right now, the big guys keep squeezing the little guys out.  they control the industry, and use patents to force others to conform.  they have money, influence, and power behind them.  they control the information in the form of book & media distribution and countless other influential means.

they want us to keep using their seeds. 

but when we are planting new trees–seeds matter.

to plant new trees we have to use new seeds.

it’s a little like what Jesus said about putting new wine into old wineskins–it ruins the wine.   one of the things i have observed is that many people are interested in new wine, new kinds of trees and new forms of living out our faith in a broken, crazy world. the problem i see, though, is that we keep using the same containers/structures/systems and planting the same old seeds thinking something new will grow.

most of you have heard the definition of insanity–doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. and like addicts in denial about our using, we keep ignoring the bigger problem–us.  and our crazy gravitational pull toward what’s familiar and stable, which is sometimes contrary to the kind of “kingdom now” living Jesus was talking about.

our only hope is to stop the insanity, ask for God’s help, and actually begin to do things differently.  one day, one relationship, one group, one ministry, one system at a time.

so as we consider planting new trees, let’s keep reflecting on the types of seeds we’re using.

  • are they seeds of the kingdom or seeds of the world? 
  • will they grow stories of change and hope or tales of power & control? 
  • will they invite everyone to be included or leave a lot of people out? 
  • will they leave room for doubt & mystery or demand certainty?
  • will they create little pockets of love or big vats of competition and performance?
  • will they cultivate equality and diversity or perpetuate the same kinds of people sitting around the same kinds of tables?
  • will they value people above all things or make programs the priority?
  • will our own life well lived be enough or will we always want “more, more, more”?

we have to reckon with this important reality: the cost of following Jesus is incredibly high. if things are only easy and “successful”, then something probably isn’t quite right.  what he asked us to do was and will always always be contrary to the ways of the word (a lot of which the church has bought into).  seeds of welcoming pain, diffusing power, practicing equality, pursuing justice and other practices based on the beatitudes will always be much trickier to plant.

but we must.

these are the kinds of seeds that will grow trees that reflect the kingdom and not the world.

people will laugh at us. we will feel stupid. we will look like losers sometimes.  actually, probably often. we will look weak, we will seem inefficient. we will be called liberals, feminists, backsliders & rebels, as they’re missing the point of what we’re after. we will not have the money and resources we wish we could. we will get tired and want to give up.  we will wonder why the leaves aren’t forming fast enough and our trunks aren’t thick yet. we will doubt ourselves.  we will probably doubt God and question why those big shade trees keep prospering while we are sputtering to push up out of the ground and just stay alive through winter.

however, the stories of hope & change & healing & transformation will sustain us.  those of you who have been planting new trees know that one story will water our soil for months, that one story of hope being fanned into flame or dignity being restored or a silenced voice being heard will sustain us through drought.

God, help us plant seeds that are reflective of you, not the world.  we know they matter.

* * * * *

check out a few other tree planting posts, good stuff:  michelle krabill – i’m celebrating arbor day early this year, jessica mccracken – digging deep, planting trees & rachel held evans – let’s plant some seeds together

other kinds of new seeds:  alise wright’s interview with dan brennan about cross-gender friendships & the monthly down we go column is up at sheloves magazine, diffusing power.


 

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