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Posted on Jun 25, 2012 in crazy making, ex good christian women, healing, identity, just because i thought it was fun | 57 comments

breastfeeding hurts & other things we need to be more honest about.

blog breastfeeding hurts* i wrote this post in march and never got around to posting it (i do that a lot).  it was after a conversation with an awesome mommy & ministry leader who told me how hard it was to juggle being a mom and leading at the same time.   in her mind, she kept falling short.  in my mind, like so many others of us, we just haven’t had enough safe spaces for reality.  

* * * * *

anyone who tells a new mom, “oh, breastfeeding is easy, it doesn’t hurt at all” is a liar.

let’s be honest, it hurts at first.  there’s no way around it.  when i had my first baby 20 years ago i remember people around me spouting the joys of it.  and not one person told me how bad it was going to hurt.  they only told me all the reasons why it was so great.

i agreed with them; it’s awesome. i’m definitely pro breast-feeding.

but i wish they had been more honest because it hurt like hell for the first few weeks.

it shouldn’t have been a stretch for a seasoned mom ahead of me to just say: “listen, this is really a big sacrifice, it’s going to be hard, it’s going to hurt, but hang in there and over time, it will get easier.”

that’s not asking too much.  but it’s often how it works.

i usually don’t talk about breastfeeding on my blog, but what i do like to talk about is honesty.  and i think what’s lacking in so many circles–especially christian ones–is the lack of honesty when it comes to many things. 

we sugar-coat, we avoid, we over-spiritualize and over-simplify, and we do a really big disservice to people who just need safe places to talk about the truth. 

we need to talk about stuff like:

how many of us are always comparing ourselves to someone better, stronger, wiser, more-this-or-more-that than us in work & play & school, and how draining that can be.  so many of us live with the sucky feeling of being too much or not enough but with no safe place to talk about it.

sex is weird.  and that most of us didn’t have good conversations about it when we needed to and are left to figure out all kinds of things related to it on our own.  it’s not going so well for a whole helluva of a lot of people.

having kids will always mean that we don’t get to do some of what we want to.  there’s a damaging myth that with the right balance of body-mind-soul-spirit we can pull off everything we want to do.  that if we try harder, pray more, shift our schedule, go to sleep later (or earlier), that we can make it all happen.  we can’t.  being responsible for little people (who then grow into bigger people who still need us) will always mean some of what we want is impossible.

shame and it’s hold on us.  how often we feel it and don’t know what the $*#&$^!@! to do with it because we think we’re the only one.

how terrifying doubt really is.  what it feels like when we wake up one morning and wonder if we’re really an atheist. or what it’s like when things-about-God that felt so sure now are like sinking sand and we aren’t sure who or what to believe anymore.

and how scary dreaming really is.  how when other people start talking about their dreams it freaks us out and we wonder if we’ll ever be brave enough to try what we long to do. how we get jealous & scared & mad at God for not making dreams come easier.

that feeling stuck is common.  so many of us are stuck in hard jobs, tough marriages, weird churches, unsatisfying professions, and a long list of other things that leave us longing for change but silently convinced that it might not ever happen.

these were not things that i was taught in most of my church experiences.  while i was being fed things like “pray more, believe more, serve more” these thoughts were  rattling around in my head & heart.  i was fortunate enough to become part of a safe women’s group when my kids were very little that opened the door to these kinds of conversations and since then have been able to be part of little pockets of safety where these conversations are possible.

but the more i talk to others, the more i wrestle with the crazy stuff always swirling around in my head, the more convinced i am that we need to work harder at  figuring out ways to be more brutally honest about these things.

to have safe spaces to talk about them.

to be with others who are asking the same questions and wrestling with the same things.

to gather hope that we’re not alone.

that’s why we need more safe communities, people gathered in all kinds of shapes & sizes, where we talk about things that need talking about.  where we are not afraid to say hard things out loud.  where we download the crazy stuff in our head and learn we’re not that crazy after all.

where we don’t pretend breastfeeding doesn’t hurt.

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Posted on May 31, 2012 in ex good christian women, healing, identity | 84 comments

ex-good-christian-women

blog ex good christian womeni used to be a really good christian woman.  like one of the best.  i said the right things, did the right things, played nice.   the only problem was that what was on the outside & what was on the inside were two different things.

i believe evangelical christianity has created a lot of divided women.

women who are cut off from their desires.  who are pulling it together on the outside but crumbling on the inside.  who are constantly feeling like losers, always missing the good-christian-woman-wife-or-mother-mark.  who are afraid to dream. or take care of ourselves. or want something more because it can be perceived as selfish. who love God but aren’t sure God really loves us just-as-we-are because we’ve been bombarded with teaching about our depravity & eve-nature & how we need to be more like proverbs 31.

i know these are generalizations, but in my experience a lot of “good-christian-women”:

  • rarely engage in conflict
  • are terrible at saying “no” because it feels selfish
  • know how to say the right things, do the right things, to keep the peace
  • continually strive–and i do mean strive–to be a better wife, better mother, better christian
  • live with a feeling that God is disappointed with us somehow
  • feel a lot of shame for who we are and who we aren’t (but rarely say it out loud)
  • doubt our leadership, feelings, gifts, dreams
  • dwell on the things we should be doing differently or better 
  • view anger as sin
  • always seek permission 

any of these sound familiar?

subtly or directly, they are embedded into the fabric of many of our faith & life experiences.

six+ years ago, when i took a stand against unhealthy church politics, i put the nail in my good-christian-woman-coffin for good (i had been on my way for a while).  i am still shocked, really, at that turn of events but when i look back, it makes me smile.  i said what needed to be said (not that anyone cared but it sure helped me), i discovered passion for justice & leadership & equality that i didn’t know i had.  and i kept meeting more & more women who somehow found themselves on the outs of good-christian-woman-ness, too.

not everyone can relate.  some were never “good” in the first place and wonder what all the fuss is about (that kind of freedom is a gift).  others are just fine with way things are and don’t need anything different at the moment.

but there are an awful lot of us who know what i’m talking about here.

over time, we have been sold a bill of goods on what it means to be a christian woman.  we’ve been domesticated, tamed, caged, and limited.  we haven’t been properly valued or empowered or nurtured.  we have been taught codependence and given the company kool-aid to drink.

but it’s changing.  slowly, surely.

thankfully more and more women are joining the ranks of  what i call “ex-good-christian-women.”  it’s lonely at first but in the end, so freeing.  many of the women in my life are ex’s. some played the good game for a long time (or the younger ones figured it out more quickly, yeah!) and gained the courage to step out of the box. others did something the system didn’t like and found themselves on the outs.  all my “xgcw’s” (that’s my little acronym) give me hope & courage & help me never look back, except to come alongside others who are trying to find their way toward greater freedom, too.

here are some characteristics of those of us with the “ex” added.  “ex-good-christian-women”:

  • are learning to show up in relationship instead of hiding
  • engage in conflict instead of avoid it
  • say “no” with less-and-less guilt and say “yes” more freely, more honestly
  • tell the truth
  • respect anger
  • are honest about shame
  • live in the present 
  • are beginning to believe we are “enough”–here, now
  • open ourselves up to dreams & passions & living out what God is stirring up in us
  • lead & love & live in all kinds of new ways, with or without permission
  • are discovering that God is much bigger than we were ever taught & loves us more than we ever knew

Jesus wasn’t a “good christian” in the ways it has come to be defined.  he wasn’t well-behaved.  he didn’t play by the system’s rules. he didn’t pretend to be nice. he didn’t play it safe or try to conform.

he called us to God’s wild & brave & beautiful ways of Love, not to being “good.”

* * * * *

ps:  i know many men have been boxed, too, by false ideas of what it means to be a christian man.  i have some ideas of what they might be, but i obviously can’t speak into it.   i’d love if if some of you guys can share what your “good-christian-men” and “ex-good-christian-men” lists might have on them.  the circumstances may be different, but we share the collateral damage.

also, while i’m on this thought i found a couple of 5 year old posts that i wrote about ex-good-christian-women called do you identify? and disapproval.   they’re old & i’d probably write them differently today, but they kind of sum it up.  if you want to read even more, i’ve got a whole blog category called “ex good christian women”.

check out a few really good posts i recently read related to this:

now, i’m off to the UK for a fun graduation trip with my daughter for a week.  very excited & thankful for an awesome husband who works for the airlines & rocks as a teammate and will keep everything moving around here while we are gone.  happy first week of summer!

 

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Posted on May 23, 2012 in church stuff, equality, ex good christian women, fundamentalism, healing, identity | 51 comments

on becoming less divided.

blog on becoming less divided“in an effort to not be a divisive woman, i became a divided woman”

- pam hogeweide, at the unladylike: resisting the injustice of inequality in the church event at the refuge this past friday night.

* * * * *

in an effort to not be a divisive woman, i became a divided woman.

oh these words resonate.  so many of us (men and women) have struggled in the church with not wanting to be divisive.  there’s been a subtle and sometimes very direct message that any kind of conflict or dissonance equals being divisive and a challenge to unity.

really, it’s usually not about divisiveness; it’s about control. unhealthy systems will not tolerate any kind of pushback or challenge or questions.   healthy systems will.

i believe one of the most important parts of rebuilding after deconstructing is to become more integrated, less divided–in our faith, in our souls, in the way we interact with the world. learning to accept and work with conflict is part of that.

pushing parts of us down to stay part of the systems we are in is harmful.

hiding because our real selves, our real questions, will not be tolerated damages our soul.

splitting off and pretending will drain us of hope over time.

not everyone feels this way; plenty of men & women feel undivided in church. it’s working fine (this post is not for you!). there are a whole bunch of others who know what i’m talking about.   who feel that weird disconnect of desire & reality.  who have been settling for crumbs for a long time. who long to live out the ways of Jesus more freely but don’t see how the church they are in supports that.  who are called to lead but can’t.  who have a lot of questions & doubts but are afraid to voice them.

who feel divided.

i have been called divisive by people who think that those who publicly challenge the church are sinning.  any form of anger or discontent or challenge is perceived as negative.  in my good-girl-days, i used to try to smooth it over and make nice, but what i keep discovering over the years is that well-behaved women (and men) won’t change the church.

if we keep trying, out of fear, to not be perceived as divisive, over time we will become more & more divided.

our passions & gifts will continue to be squelched.  we will continue to give time & money to systems that don’t really care about us.   we will live with a subtle and sometimes overt shame that who we are is either too much or not enough.

we will never feel free.

because we will never be free.

we can’t be free in a place that tells us we are less than because of our gender.  we can’t be free in a place that won’t tolerate our questions or doubts or pain or struggles.  we can’t be free in a place that only loves us when we are towing the line and following the rules.  we can’t be free in an environment that won’t engage in healthy conflict.  we can’t be free when we are being controlled.

the thing that makes me happy right now is that many people i know are finding freedom and becoming less divided.  we’re breaking free.  we’re finding our way.  we’re loosening shame’s grip.  we’re stepping into who God made us to be.

it’s not an easy task when there’s a nagging voice in our heads that says “if i just did x or y maybe it will work…why can’t i let it go?….why can’t i just be content with what i have?…they’re fine why can’t i be?”

even though we are supposed to offer grace and accept that things will never be exactly the way we want them, when it comes to issues of oppression & unhealthy systems of power, we need to listen more to our gut.  we need to tune into our hearts and be more honest about what we are feeling.  we need to open our eyes to reality.  we need to ask God to show us the way to greater and greater freedom and give us courage to start walking toward becoming more whole, less divided.

i was struck by pam’s powerful words friday night & the subtle message that rumbles underneath so much of our hope–if we are afraid to be perceived as divisive, we will remain divided.

i was also reminded how Jesus was perceived.  um, pretty sure divisive was the word. any pushing on the status quo will be perceived as a threat.   he got killed for it.  i’m pretty sure we won’t get killed, but we may lose our churches & some relationships & reputations & a lot of things we once held dear.  but in the end i believe we will find life, real life–more abundantly.  as i become more & more integrated and less & less divided, i feel more alive than i’ve ever felt before.  i still have the nagging voice in my head sometimes, but it’s fading, losing it’s power over me.

that’s my hope for all of us, women & men alike.  that we’d become less divided, more whole.  less controlled, more free.  less confined, more empowered. less stuck, more hopeful.  less worried-about-what-others-think, more focused-on-what-God-is-stirring-up-in-us-in-deep-places-of-our-hearts.

God, help us let go of fear of being perceived as divisive and give us courage to move toward becoming less divided.

 

 

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Posted on May 10, 2012 in church stuff, dreams, equality, ex good christian women, leadership | 22 comments

well-behaved women won’t change the church

well behaved women wont change the church * most all of you have already read this post. it was part of ed cyzewski’s women in ministry series and got a lot of love.  there are some really great comments over there.  i had so much fun writing it and had no idea it would strike such a chord.  it’s so encouraging!  i am just posting it here now for my blog archives.  here’s to all kinds of mis-behaving…

* * * * *

Years ago, if you looked up the definition of “Christian Good Girl”, I swear my picture would be right next to it. I was so good at being good! I knew how to keep the peace. I knew how to give people what they want. I know how to put my needs last. I knew how to say all the right things at the right time to sound really spiritual. I knew how to be nice.

Although I was not raised in a Christian home, when I turned my life over to Christ and joined his team, I found that all of the people-pleasing, peace-making, good-girl skills I had learned as a child of an alcoholic raised in chaos worked perfectly in the spiritual realm as well.

I earned all kinds of praise in the churches I was in for my good-girl-ness. Kathy’s so nice. Kathy’s such a team player. Kathy’s so easy to get along with.

None of these things were hard for me to do. They were like reflexes, a natural and immediate instinct to assess the situation, and then adjust to keep the peace and maintain whatever status quo needed to be maintained.

Over the years, though, as I started to do some personal healing work and begin to look at the unhealthy patterns in my life, something profound began to shift. I started to tell the truth about my own story. I started to not worry so much about what people thought. I started to advocate for others who couldn’t use their voices yet. I started to disagree. I started to use my voice and stir the pot about change in the church.

I started to worry more about pleasing God than pleasing man.

And guess what happened? Leaders didn’t like it. They liked me a lot better when I was following the rules, playing the good-girl game. A weird and subversive shift occurred when I started showing up more honestly, more passionately as a leader. The best words I can use to describe it are: “painful silence.”

In my situation, the painful silence lead to me losing a pastoral ministry job that I loved. The reality was that I was just not “good” enough, submissive enough, to be part of that system anymore. Honestly, if I could have switched back to the Good-Girl fast enough, I might have been able to save my job. Temporarily.

But I was too far gone. My soul and passion had started to come alive and I couldn’t turn back.

As difficult as that season was for me personally, professionally, and spiritually, I am so grateful for it because I learned the most important lesson of my life as a leader:

Well-behaved women won’t change the church.

We just won’t.

Well-behaved women will keep the wheels spinning on systems that keep working, keep growing, keep moving. We will do good and honorable work that matters and helps people and makes a difference in their communities.

But we won’t change the church.

Some people think the church doesn’t need changing; they’re fine with the way things are because it works for them. But I think there a lot more of us out here than even we ourselves know–passionate women who believe the body of Christ needs much more than a face-lift to become all it’s meant to be.

Yeah, well-behaved women will not change the church.

Instead, change in the church will come from not-so-well-behaved women who are willing to risk their pride, reputations, and “being liked” to stand for what God is stirring up in their hearts.

Change in the church will come when women who are called to lead, lead, even when others don’t think they can or should.

Change in the church will come when women refuse to squelch their gifts and begin to unleash them without asking for permission first.

Change in the church will come when women passionately follow Jesus, not systems-made-in-his-name-that-do-not-reflect-his-image.

Change in the church will come when women bravely use their voices, power, and any influence they have to inspire others to be brave, too.

I admit, it’s still sometimes hard for me to not be the good-girl. I miss the safety. I miss the praise. I miss the security, even if it was false. Some days I wish I could make nice like I used to because it was so much easier then.

But the Kingdom of God was never about easy. It was never about comfort. It was never about maintaining the status-quo. It was never about playing nice.

The Kingdom of God Jesus called us to participate in creating–here, now–isn’t well-behaved.

That’s reason enough for us not to be, either.

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Posted on Apr 20, 2012 in church stuff, dreams, equality, ex good christian women, women in ministry | 11 comments

well-behaved women won’t change the church

Off Road Adventure Traffic Signtoday i have a post up at ed cyzewski’s blog as part of his women in ministry series.  it’s called well-behaved women won’t change the church.  it was so fun to write this one!

here’s a little excerpt:

Well-behaved women won’t change the church.

We just won’t.

Well-behaved women will keep the wheels spinning on systems that keep working, keep growing, keep moving. We will do good and honorable work that matters and helps people and makes a difference in our communities.

But we won’t change the church.

Some people think the church doesn’t need changing; they’re fine with the way things are because it works for them. But I think there a lot more of us out here than even we ourselves know–passionate women who believe the body of Christ needs much more than a face-lift to become all it’s meant to be.

i hope you’ll go over there to read the entire post & you can share any thoughts there or here.

you can read the other posts in the series here:

also, thank you, everyone, for all of the honesty & hope & stories from this past week through comments & emails & conversations.  i look forward to next week, too.  if you’re new here or just catching up, the four posts this week centered on rebuilding after deconstructing faith are:

have a great weekend.  much peace & hope, kathy

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