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Posted on May 14, 2013 in church stuff, healing, incarnational, leadership, synchroblog, the refuge | 36 comments

what seems to help in the midst of pain

pain is a treasure rumi quote

“when we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” – henri nouwen

this month’s synchroblog is centered on pain & how to love & care for others who are in pain.  i laughed this morning because today’s my birthday and it’s a little ironic that somehow even on this day  i ended up talking about pain!  there’s an awful lot of grief & loss & hard stuff in this world and for some reason it feels like it keeps ramping up. so many hard things every direction. what is our responsibility in it?  what should we say or not say? what helps & what hurts?

in our human DNA is a deep desire to avoid pain, either in our own life or in the lives of others.

it’s hard to hurt.  and it’s hard to be around other people who are hurting.

at the refuge, our little faith community, there’s a high degree of pain. but i always tell everyone that really, we are no different from almost any other church or group (except that others might have health insurance & live in bigger houses). we just have a culture of raw honesty, where what’s on the inside is freer to come out on the outside. we are trying to be people who welcome pain to the table instead of run from it.  most humans share many of the same troubles & woes, but many don’t have a safe place to express it out loud.

pain and struggle often create shame. i remember when i first started sharing more of my real story; every part of me wanted to run for the hills, move away, do anything i could to not have to live with relationships where all my stuff was out on the table, exposed.

i’m always learning, too, but here are a few ideas that seem to help in the midst of pain:

1. less words, more presence.  i have a theory that we often have an unconscious hope that if we could  say the right words in the exact right way, it would radically help another person. most people aren’t one sentence away from feeling better when they are in pain.  presence seems to matter more than words.  long-haul-ness goes the furthest for those in pain. many people are eager to help and support at the beginning of pain eruptions, but over time many people drop off and quit wondering how we’re doing. safe people don’t do drive-by pain relief.  they are in it for the long haul, which i keep realizing is sometimes the hardest thing of all.

2. less statements, more questions.  along with the one-sentence-away-from-changing-everything theory, it’s a natural default to talk instead of listen. i don’t mean interrogation (although i can be guilty of asking too many hard questions in one sitting, ha ha), but questions usually save us from advice giving and fixing. they help people process out loud and take a lot of pressure off us coming up with the right words that can’t be found anyway.

3. less anxiety, more trust.  pain creates so much anxiety in us.  this is why when people are hurting, we have an instinct to “fix it” or do-something-anything that will help the hurting person feel better in that moment. i feel it all the time. it’s a weird innate control thing and in so many ways, it’s about us playing God and taking on more responsibility than we need to. it’s why i have a love-hate thing with 12 step groups. i  love that there’s no cross-talk, advice giving and fixing, but inside i sometimes feel a little crazy that we just thank people for sharing and go on to the next person.  however, it models something we need to learn–we can’t fix anyone else.  the best thing we can do is listen, honor the pain ,and trust the long healing path.

4. less perfection, more grace.  relational dynamics like hanging-in-the-thick-of-pain-with-people is not formulaic.  we will screw it up, we will say lame things, we will fail people.  recently i gave unsolicited advice to a hurting friend.  yikes, as soon as the words tumbled out of my mouth, i knew they would hurt instead of help. i was reminded, yet again, how we need grace as friends, as leaders, as people. we’re imperfect people trying to stay present in hard places; we won’t be able to master every moment.  this is messy and sometimes we will have to apologize & ask for grace (and give it to our friends), too.

maybe the best thing we can do to hold the space for others’ pain is to learn to hold the space for ours.  if we are people who push our own pain away, we usually will do the same for others.  if we are hard on ourselves for feeling certain feelings, we will usually be hard on others, too.  i love what the apostle paul says in 2 corinthians 1:3-4, that we comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  it’s why i don’t think most people need another Bible study or church service; there are plenty of those.

we need places to practice getting in touch with our story.

i’m going to quote henri nouwen twice in one post because it’s a great reminder:

“the christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self.”

yeah, our biggest strength is our weakness, our pain. 

in the end, that’s all we’ve got.

//

other bloggers writing about pain this month:

 

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Posted on Jun 30, 2011 in church stuff, healing, incarnational, jesus is cool, relationships, spiritual formation, the refuge | 17 comments

when crazy is actually sane & sane is actually crazy

whats sane is crazy and whats crazy is saneone of my favorite gospel stories is the woman who busts into simon the pharisee’s house in luke 7 and falls at Jesus’ feet, wiping his feet with her tears.  in that moment, he was hanging out with the put-together, religious elite talking about theology.  they were supposedly the sane ones, and she was the crazy one who disrupts their important meeting with her public display of emotion and gratitude.

the leaders looked at Jesus–“aren’t you going to do something about this? i mean, really, come on, we have important things we are talking about (like the religious law) and you’re letting her interrupt us?” Jesus, in his wild and wonderful way, points out the mind-bender–she gets it.  do you see this, my friends, this is what i’m talking about.  this is humility.  this is heart.   this is the big idea.  this is what love looks like.

she looked crazy, but she was actually sane.

this happens a lot in the life of the refuge.  i sometimes use the word “crazy” to describe our community & i get rebuked sometimes for it because it can be misconstrued.  i think the rebukers (who do it in a good way, just so you know!) are right because that word can be misleading & i don’t mean it in a negative way.  i use it because the refuge is wild, chaotic, raw, and unedited in all kinds of ways.  at the same time, for various reasons many of us here have been somehow labeled as crazy in the broadest sense of the word, either because of life struggles or difficult experiences, mental or physical illnesses, or by bucking typical church or worldly systems.

from the outside many see the refuge as “those people”–the hurting ones, the desperate ones, the weird ones, the odd ones.  the ones who need healing in order to get with the real program.

on the outside it can look like that sometimes.  but on the inside, seriously, it’s more sane than almost anything i’ve ever seen.  the word sanity implies soundness and health.   i see, up close and personal, people who understand the kingdom of God in ways that supersede language and convention.  they see what many others can’t.  they love where many others won’t.  they risk relationship where many others don’t.

rachel held evans, one of the world’s most fab bloggers, wrote a beautiful post called blessed are the uncool that got some rocking comments about the state of the church. it was based on this post about a special needs boy who was escorted out of a church because he was perceived as being disruptive.  in different ways, it sounded a lot to me like the story of the woman at simon the pharisee’s house.  in this example, this kid represents the outcast, the fringer, the one-without-the-proper-filter-in-the-moment that the church wants to shut down, scuttle to the side so that we can “get down to business about worshipping God properly.”  when really, that moment has so much that we can learn from.

it’s not crazy at all for him to stay and be free in that moment.  to bring his real self to the community.

to me, that feels sane.

what feels crazy to me is the church’s reaction in that moment. 

in this real life story, the religious leaders thought it distracted from the more important thing–the worship & preaching in the service and that it would make attenders “uncomfortable.”  in luke 7, the religious leaders were appalled for different reasons but the issue was the same–let’s get to what we think is important–talking about theology & picking apart the scriptures.

but Jesus upheld her disruption, her crazy act, as the better thing because it was about freedom. about humility.  about beauty.  about healing.  about submitting one to another in love.

it reminds me how often Jesus did all kinds of things that made absolutely no sense to the religious system–touching lepers, restoring dignity to sinners, becoming friends with tax-collectors.  all of it seemed crazy.

in a lot of relationships i intersect with–both in and outside of the refuge–many are applying deep truths about love & healing from intense stuff & practicing really hard relationship skills that are awkward & scary & messy.  some people would say we’re crazy.

but in the kingdom of God it’s completely sane.

it makes me think of what apostle paul says in 1 corinthians 1:

“the scriptures say, “i will destroy the wisdom of the wise and discard the intelligence of the intelligent.” so where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the world’s brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish…God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. and he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.  God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important.” (vs. 19-20, 27-28)

later, in 1 corinthians 8:1, paul also has another little gem–”while knowledge makes us feel important, it is love that strengthens the church.”

and against-the-pull-toward-comfort, kingdom-inspired love looks crazy.

but it’s actually sane.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted on May 25, 2011 in church stuff, dreams, incarnational | 19 comments

the practice of the better

Practice pinned on noticeboard

“the best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better”

- richard rohr

* * * * *

i had an interesting conversation with a friend this past week who didn’t really know my story of the past 7+ years of the ups of working on a big church staff to the downs (in a good way, ha ha) of starting the refuge.  stepping out of the path of ascent into one of descent started long before 7 years ago, but it wasn’t until i stepped out of “church-as-i-had-always-known-it” that my heart, practice, and the actual ministries i am in all lined up with greater integrity.  before, i was always swimming against the tide, trying to change systems that honestly weren’t that interested in changing.

part of the conversation that arose with my friend is something that tends to be a fairly common one–many don’t understand why people who leave church have to be mad about it.  “why can’t they just move on, quit looking back or being so angry, and just focus on something new?“  i always have a strong reaction to this because i know in my own life, i wish it were that easy.  but grief, my friends, doesn’t look like that.  grief is messy.  grief is unpredictable.  grief includes anger, sadness, depression, and disorientation.  when we leave behind all that we once knew, we can’t help but grieve.  but, we also all know that western culture sucks at grieving so we don’t really know what that looks like.  so friends tell us to “move on”, we tell ourselves “it shouldn’t hurt that bad, geez, it was only a church for goodness sake” and we stall out our healing.   we also forget that issues of injustice and oppression, which are a lot of major reasons people find themselves “out” aren’t ones we can just “get over” in a flash.  they tap into something far deeper about our dignity & worth and do a number on our head and hearts.

the best thing i ever did was let myself be a mess five years ago for a long time.  it was one of the hardest things i’ve ever done, too, because anger scares me (and people around me who weren’t used to me expressing it, either).  but i kept on moving through, letting myself feel hurt, sadness, loss, and anger, and eventually, most of it has dissipated over time.  sure, i have moments where it seeps through & different experiences trip that wire inside of me that touches on raw feelings of oppression & injustice & hurt.  i’m human.  but on the whole, i’m in a completely different place.

and really committed to looking forward with hope, while sometimes glancing backward sometimes so i remember why i’m doing what i’m doing.

one thing i am struck with more than ever is that “the best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better“.  it’s the way we will ultimately change things.  we also must remember we are human and sometimes we need to go through our raggy season of being critical and cynical and wounded for a while to learn “um, i don’t want to stay here forever because it’s really a drag.”  and eventually we begin to get in touch with not “what was” and focus on “what could be”.  we begin to see that we can, indeed, find all kinds of wild and beautiful ways to live out what we deeply believe.

that’s the season that i am in right now.  life at the refuge is nutty, complicated, and hard. but i am also seeing “practice of the better” in real life.  i am living in a culture that extends love mercy & compassion, welcomes pain, honors doubt, diffuses power, practices equality, pursues justice, expresses creativity & celebrates freedom in all kinds of simple, beautiful, unassuming, natural ways.  to me, these are the core practices of downward mobility & part of my small contribution to “the practice of the better.”  yesterday, i hit the final “send” button on down we go: living into the wild ways of Jesus back to the publisher.  on june 1st it hits the streets.  i’ve been a little weepy all day yesterday & today, thinking of how much i’ve been through, how much i’ve learned, and how grateful i am for the journey.  the most important thing i’ve ever done is keep going instead of giving up and find ways to practice what has been embedded in my heart for many years.

this looks different for everyone reading.  for me, the refuge & the muck and mire of pain and struggle in people’s real lives is where i like to live. but the challenge i pose in down we go and try to keep emphasizing in everything i write here is:

what does the practice of the better look like for each of us?

how can we nurture the practice of the better?

how can we participate in cultivating new ways of living out our faith that reflect freedom, hope, love, and peace outside of unhealthy systems?

i’d love to hear some of your experiences.  how you are finding that the “best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better”?

 

 

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Posted on Feb 22, 2011 in church stuff, crazy making, equality, incarnational, leadership | 7 comments

these things shouldn’t be all that crazy…

these things shouldn't be that crazy

sometimes i have fun conversations with other people who have crazy ideas about “church”, too.  whenever i do, i always say “well, it’s great to know we’re not crazy. or maybe if we are, at least we’re not alone.”

when i said it this past week i added–it’s really crazy that these ideas are often seen as crazy! somehow the wild & wacky ways of Jesus in the gospels has gotten so decked-out-with-bells-and-whistles, sanitized, professionalized, leadership-ized and institutionalized that really actually doing what he challenged us to do is seen as somehow radical.

i don’t really think these ideas should be all that radical for Christ-followers, but they often are:

1. putting in-the-flesh relationships first. above programming, gatherings, websites, practicalities, budgets, strategies, and everything else for that matter. Jesus didn’t speak into any of the things we often spend so much energy on. instead, his focus was on people–unplugged, raw, in-the-trenches relationships where we can practice love, grace, kindness, compassion, forgiveness and experience healing and freedom together.

2. a culture of inclusivity & equality. all invited & welcome at the table. all voices heard.  all voices matter.  men, women, black, white, rich, poor, educated, uneducated, gay, straight, married, single, liberal, conservative, healthy, sick–seeking freedom & hope, together.

3. deferring toward the margins instead of toward resource. over and over Jesus warned us that we couldn’t serve both God & money, yet corporately & individually we constantly make decisions that defer toward resource & power to keep things predictable & comfortable.  i do not think deferring toward the marginalized, the oppressed, the fringes, the ones without the resource & power should be a crazy thought for Christians!

4. shared leadership & diffused power over 1-person-at-the-top. it just feels odd to me that as supposed cultivators of the practice of authentic, loving community we’d continue to build structures that put all the power in 1 person.

5. the practice of love valued over knowledge or belief. throughout the gospels Jesus honors people’s active faith over doctrine or dogma.  he doesn’t say “before you do this you have to believe x, y, and z or it doesn’t count.” he instead calls us to tangibly love, to sacrifice, to spend our energies on love & not laws.

i am sure there are many more.  these are just the 5 that popped into my mind in the moment.  what would you add?

* * * * *

ps:  i am also very excited about a new book project i’ve been working on called “down we go–living into the wild ways of Jesus” by civitas press, releasing june 1st.  this opportunity dropped in my lap late last fall, and i decided to be brave & work at integrating some of what i’ve written here over the past few years into a more comprehensive & practical resource.  i’ll keep you posted…meanwhile, thanks for reading & your encouragement & for reminding me i’m not crazy.

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