“13 – therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselveswith compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 14 – bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. forgive as the Lord forgave you.  15 - and over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

in the wild and crazy conversation last week about equality, the verse 15 song came to mind–“over all these virtues put on love, which binds them together in perfect unity.”

my friend & copastor at the refuge, karl wheeler (who just started a new blog–check it out because it’s going to rock, details below), often says that we mistake unity for uniformity.  this is so true!  we think that when we are all on the same page, we have unity. but that not true unity; instead, it’s homogeneity that was never the idea. the kingdom of God is about holding our differences in love.

real unity is honoring our differences and being bound together by love.  

it’s the virtue that binds us all together.

one of the things i most deeply respect about life in our little wild refuge community is that we do not agree on everything.  we don’t have a statement of faith that automatically discerns who believes what (you can read what we do have written down; it’s one of my most favorite things we’ve ever written) and weeds people out.  we don’t espouse a “here’s what we are sure God says about this or that” or a membership class that people need to sign in on before they can be part.   when it comes to some of these tough issues of our faith, we are all over the map, with far left & far right and everything in between all tangled up together.

it’s honestly one of the prettiest things i’ve ever seen.

rich & poor alongside, even though life is so different from each other.  educated & uneducated alongside, because people are people no matter how much schoolin’ we’ve had.  liberal & conservative alongside, because love supersedes political viewpoints.  gay & straight alongside, even with different views theologically.   married & single alongside, because we need each other desperately.  men & women alongside, because friendship is a way to practice & learn the ways of love.

we don’t see each other through any of those labels.  we see each other as human beings, created in God’s image, all with the most important thing in common–a desire to love & be loved.   

when it comes to last week’s conversation, i want to highlight an important point about our life together.  our gay friends aren’t here making sure everyone agrees with them & our straight friends with a more scriptural conservative bent aren’t trying to prove anything. the same is true about any of our other differences.  the reason this works is because love is the thread that binds us all together.  as a leader in this community, that’s what we work our asses off to try to cultivate: a culture of safety (not of comfort but of real safety in a loving, challenging christian community).

and in a true culture of safety, we can disagree.

in fact, disagreeing is good.  when we don’t allow room for seeing things differently then we are in danger of creating more pockets of conformity and not living humbly in the tension of being uncomfortable.  our discomfort & differences force us to rely on God’s spirit to help us let go & trust & learn & wait and love more freely.

the world doesn’t need more pockets of conformity.  there are plenty of those to go around.

what we need are more brave expressions of little pockets of love & freedom, where Christ’s restoration of human dignity and value is at the center despite our differences. where humility is practiced in a very active way. where submission, one to another and not just one-way-that-works-for-those-with-the-most-power, is embedded into the fabric of life together.

but even though i think the refuge is awfully pretty (it’s ugly to the un-Jesus-trained eye, though, i promise), it is also a very tricky space to hold.

some have left over time, frustrated that we hold the tension between differing views on the Bible & theology.  they want us to draw lines in the sand and make things clearer.  some get annoyed at having to make friends with people who aren’t like them.  others really want better music & teaching & comfier chairs & something a little more predictable.

we refuse.

because we think there’s much more to learn about the ways of Love through our differences and discomfort than through our we-all-think-and-believe-the-same-thing and church-is-about-being-comfortable default.

my hope for the movement in the body of Christ and community cultivation is not that we sway everyone over to a new side on any of these issues and then all camp out together.   that would be way too easy (and is what i fear these hot topics will tempt people to do).  my hope is that we find a way to be together in our differences.  to create a culture of true safety that bravely lets go of telling-others-what-to-believe-with-utter-certainty-on-one-biblical-interpretation and instead wrestling with these hard realities of life together.  to see God’s image in each other and have that be enough to keep us united even when we might see the scriptures or life or a whole host of things different from each other.

love’s the thread that binds us all together in perfect unity.

it’s stronger than we think.

* * * * *

ps: karl’s blog is called church dreamer.  check out the about page & his first blog post, Jesus hates flatscreens.  oh yeah, it’s going to be fun.

]]> http://kathyescobar.com/2012/05/14/loves-the-thread-its-stronger-than-we-think/feed/ 12 http://kathyescobar.com/2012/05/11/unless-were-all-free-none-of-us-are-free/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=unless-were-all-free-none-of-us-are-free http://kathyescobar.com/2012/05/11/unless-were-all-free-none-of-us-are-free/#comments Fri, 11 May 2012 13:20:32 +0000 kathyescobar http://kathyescobar.com/?p=6170 “freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.“

- martin luther king, jr.

most of you know i’m a nut case for equality.  you hear me talking a lot about gender equality but that’s just because it’s a critical starting place.  when half of the population of the world is thought of as “less than”, we’re in serious trouble.  in a church that is supposed to be the free-est, most liberating place in town, we’re in even deeper trouble.  christians should be leading the way on equality in absolutely every area, yet we all know that on the whole, we are lagging behind, stuck in white privilege & imbalanced power & segregation and all kinds of things that are not reflective of the kingdom of God Jesus called us to create.

equality isn’t just about gender. it crosses into race, sexual orientation, socioeconomics, and any other ways we are divided that strip people’s dignity.

it’s not a side issue or a pet project  equality is a core issue of an active faith and one that as Christ-followers we are called to participate in creating.  here, now.

the fight for equal rights has never been a simple one.  all over the world, there are wars & battles & movements calling for change.  people are sacrificing all kinds of things on behalf of change, even their lives.   i believe passionately that we re called to be dignity restorers and champions of equality in every way, shape and form.  toni morrison says “the function of our freedom is to free someone else.”

i am supposed to use any freedom i have to help free my brothers & sisters who aren’t free yet.

yeah, unless we’re all free, none of us are free.

this week was a historic week in our country in the movement toward marriage equality.  i always say it’s easy to be against equal rights when we have the ones we want. i love that our president stepped out in a big and bold way to advocate for change that’s been a long-time-coming in this country.

it was brave.

i hope it calls all of us to be brave, too.

the reason it’s so risky to stand on behalf of change in a public way is because we’re scared.  we’re scared of what other people might think.  we are scared we’ll lose our jobs.  we are scared we’ll lose our ministries.  we are scared we’ll lose others approval.  we are scared we’ll be bullied alongside the outcast.

and the truth is that we might.

but it’s worth it.

because unless we’re all free, none of us are free.

galatians 5:13-15 says: “for you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. but don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. for the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “love your neighbor as yourself.” but if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! beware of destroying one another.”

i am so tired of all the destruction, all the ways christians have used the Bible & power & control to separate, divide, and strip others’ dignity.

but i firmly believe the solution is not in looking at how jacked up the system is and spending energy there.  it’s fun to rant & rave about it, but the truth is that ranting and raving won’t change anything.

what will change things is when we begin to vote with our feet (and in ballot boxes) and refuse to be part of churches & systems & groups that oppress.  period.  they aren’t going to get our money or our time or absolutely-anything-anymore and i don’t care how good their music, teaching, or kids program is.

when we risk our reputations and speak out for equality and freedom.

when we actively participate in setting others free.  that means creating little pockets of love & freedom where equality is practiced & dignity is restored.

our freedom is all tangled up together.  our dignity is all tangled up together.  our hope is all tangled up together.

Jesus shows us what love looks like–laying down our life for our friends.  this means we will pay a cost on behalf of love.  i am reminded of what cornell west says: “justice is what love looks like in public”

it’s time for change.  so many are starting to rise up from below.  there’s a holy stirring.  a hunger and thirst for justice and righteousness.  we are done sitting passively in our fear & complacency while our brothers & sisters are marginalized, oppressed, and stripped of their dignity.

the cost to us will be great.

we’ll lose our reputations, jobs, respect, friends, appearances of theological credibility, and a whole-bunch-of-other-things-that-are-worth-losing-on-behalf-of-doing-what’s-right.

it’s the least we can do.

so that’s why i’m writing this today.  to say strongly and clearly that i stand on behalf of my brothers & sisters and their fight for freedom.

because unless we’re all free, none of us are.

* * * * *

Years ago, if you looked up the definition of “Christian Good Girl”, I swear my picture would be right next to it. I was so good at being good! I knew how to keep the peace. I knew how to give people what they want. I know how to put my needs last. I knew how to say all the right things at the right time to sound really spiritual. I knew how to be nice.

Although I was not raised in a Christian home, when I turned my life over to Christ and joined his team, I found that all of the people-pleasing, peace-making, good-girl skills I had learned as a child of an alcoholic raised in chaos worked perfectly in the spiritual realm as well.

I earned all kinds of praise in the churches I was in for my good-girl-ness. Kathy’s so nice. Kathy’s such a team player. Kathy’s so easy to get along with.

None of these things were hard for me to do. They were like reflexes, a natural and immediate instinct to assess the situation, and then adjust to keep the peace and maintain whatever status quo needed to be maintained.

Over the years, though, as I started to do some personal healing work and begin to look at the unhealthy patterns in my life, something profound began to shift. I started to tell the truth about my own story. I started to not worry so much about what people thought. I started to advocate for others who couldn’t use their voices yet. I started to disagree. I started to use my voice and stir the pot about change in the church.

I started to worry more about pleasing God than pleasing man.

And guess what happened? Leaders didn’t like it. They liked me a lot better when I was following the rules, playing the good-girl game. A weird and subversive shift occurred when I started showing up more honestly, more passionately as a leader. The best words I can use to describe it are: “painful silence.”

In my situation, the painful silence lead to me losing a pastoral ministry job that I loved. The reality was that I was just not “good” enough, submissive enough, to be part of that system anymore. Honestly, if I could have switched back to the Good-Girl fast enough, I might have been able to save my job. Temporarily.

But I was too far gone. My soul and passion had started to come alive and I couldn’t turn back.

As difficult as that season was for me personally, professionally, and spiritually, I am so grateful for it because I learned the most important lesson of my life as a leader:

Well-behaved women won’t change the church.

We just won’t.

Well-behaved women will keep the wheels spinning on systems that keep working, keep growing, keep moving. We will do good and honorable work that matters and helps people and makes a difference in their communities.

But we won’t change the church.

Some people think the church doesn’t need changing; they’re fine with the way things are because it works for them. But I think there a lot more of us out here than even we ourselves know–passionate women who believe the body of Christ needs much more than a face-lift to become all it’s meant to be.

Yeah, well-behaved women will not change the church.

Instead, change in the church will come from not-so-well-behaved women who are willing to risk their pride, reputations, and “being liked” to stand for what God is stirring up in their hearts.

Change in the church will come when women who are called to lead, lead, even when others don’t think they can or should.

Change in the church will come when women refuse to squelch their gifts and begin to unleash them without asking for permission first.

Change in the church will come when women passionately follow Jesus, not systems-made-in-his-name-that-do-not-reflect-his-image.

Change in the church will come when women bravely use their voices, power, and any influence they have to inspire others to be brave, too.

I admit, it’s still sometimes hard for me to not be the good-girl. I miss the safety. I miss the praise. I miss the security, even if it was false. Some days I wish I could make nice like I used to because it was so much easier then.

But the Kingdom of God was never about easy. It was never about comfort. It was never about maintaining the status-quo. It was never about playing nice.

The Kingdom of God Jesus called us to participate in creating–here, now–isn’t well-behaved.

That’s reason enough for us not to be, either.

as always i am late to the party, been writing my brains out and traveling so my contribution is short and sweet.  laughter is the only way i can survive down here in the muck and mire of real life.  laughing at myself. laughing at irony.  laughing at the dramedy (drama + comedy) that is the best way to describe our lives.  fortunately, jose, my husband, makes me laugh every day and i am part of a community that values laughter, too.  i am not sure that comes across in some of the intensity of what i write here, but we have a helluva of a lot of fun in the midst of all this darkness.  in many ways, it’s the only way we survive.  

laughter is so healing.

every day i need a little lightness.  david hayward’s stuff makes me laugh out loud all the time.  here’s my all-time favorite cartoon from him (i thought it was pretty appropriate for our rebuilding after deconstructing series):

and this one sort of fits, too.   my friend jenny posted it last week with a little blurb about church.  so funny and oh so true.

and i am not quite sure how you could possibly watch this and not have it be contagious, no matter how many times you might have already seen it.

have a great week.  i hope you can find a way to laugh every day.  it heals.

* * * * *

other bloggers writing about this topic this month:

• Jeremy Myers at Till He Comes – Lighten Up! 
• Maria Kettleson Anderson at My Real Journey - The Art of Passionately Lightening Up
• Melody Harrison at Logic and Imagination – {I Don’t Do Joy}
• Wendy McCaig - Lighten Up: Learning to Let Go From A Man Who Lost It All
• Carol Kuniholm at Words Half Heart – Resurrection Laughter
• R. Lee Bayes at Southern Humanist – Loving Light 
• Alan Knox – Be Sarcastic With One Another 
• Patrick Oden at Dueling Ravens - Truth, Beauty, and Yodeling Pickles
• Christine Sine at Godspace – Lighten Up: It Really is the Best Medicine 
• Glenn Hager -  Margaritas, Metallica, and A Serious Case of the Giggles.
• Liz Dyer at Grace Rules – A Spoonful of Sugar 
• K.W. Leslie at More Christ – When Jesus Made A Funny
• Maurice Broaddus – Why So Serious? 
• Ellen Haroutunian – A Laughing God 

i use the word “crazy” all the time when i talk about life down here because compared to the big church machine, it is.

people really do think we are crazy (can’t tell you the number of people who say “i could never do what you guys do” like it’s some kind of weird anomaly in the church of Jesus Christ to actively love one another [that's crazy]).  but the truth is that we’ve sort of adopted that language, too.  that what we’re doing is somehow “crazy”.

i recently had a very short but lovely conversation with two missional church cultivators who are doing what we’d call “crazy” work, too.   in the conversation one of them said, “i used to think we were crazy but then i started re-thinking it.  i began to say, hey, we’re not the crazy ones here. read the gospels, this is so not crazy.  that system is what’s crazy!”

“that system is what’s crazy!”

those words have really lingered and i’ve been thinking about them all week.

what if we reframed crazy when it comes to church?

what if instead of thinking that small-missional-communities-and-people-working-on-the-fringes-of-life-and-faith were crazy, we started thinking that maybe these things were actually crazy instead:

isn’t it a little crazy that in the church supposedly built upon the teachings of Jesus Christ that half of the population is silenced and kept underneath the other half? 

isn’t it a little crazy that millions of people go to church each week and never talk to anyone past saying “hello” to a greeter?

isn’t it a little crazy that the same people who are marginalized on the outside of the church are marginalized on the inside, too?

isn’t it a little crazy that there is usually never a really poor person or a hurting person or a single mom on a board of elders?

isn’t it a little crazy that for the most part the pretty and the popular and the outwardly strong are the only ones we ever see or hear from up front?

isn’t it a little crazy that millions of dollars are spent on buildings & staff salaries while people in the congregations are on food stamps & medicaid?

isn’t it a little crazy how much money & energy & time is spent on dynamic teaching, amazing worship, and an awesome kids program that happens for one hour every week?

isn’t it a little crazy that every church has so many people with amazing gifts & passions & talents that not one person in their congregation even knows about?

isn’t it a little crazy that there are so many people who go to church each week but do not personally know one single poor person ?

isn’t it a little crazy that following Jesus has become about going to church & believing certain things & listening to certain radio stations or voting for certain candidates?

isn’t it a little crazy that pastors have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to seminaries to somehow become “qualified”?  

isn’t it a little crazy that we don’t think this is crazy?

seriously, we need to reframe crazy when it comes to church!

a place where people can share openly about their addictions & struggles & hopes & doubts & fears.  breaking the divide between us & them.  women freely leading alongside men as equals.  all welcome and not only until they’re actually honest. safe places for gifts to be fanned into flame with no power or control trips.  a focus on living out the Bible instead of talking about the Bible.  tangible ways to love & care & serve & learn how to be a friend.  dialogue instead of passive listening.  experiencing instead of watching.

i’m pretty sure when it comes to following Jesus these things aren’t supposed to be “crazy”.  

to the world, yes.  to the church built on his name, um, i don’t think so.

yeah, we so need to reframe crazy when it comes to church.

as we wrap up, i wanted to put all of the links for the series in one place, so here they are:

• rebuilding after deconstructing (intro)
• 1. honoring the process
• 2. acknowledging losses
• 3. discovering what remains 
• 4. finding what works 
• 5. celebrating what was
• 6. igniting passion
• 7. exploring possibilities
• 8. trusting the path

plus:

• helpful & oh-not-so-helpful things people say during deconstruction
• soul care & spiritual practices for deconstruction
• i used to…but now i…

also, i would love some feedback on areas you’d like to continue to explore related to this topic. there are a couple i already know of in the works: what about the kids? what happens when spouses are in different places completely?  how can we find safe community in new ways?  

what else would you like to process here?  let me know in the comments section.

another question is “now what” for some of you who would like to keep processing through the journey with others who understand in a safe place.  there are all kinds of great things online related to faith shifts & if you have any sites you want to recommend, please do.  related specifically to this conversation, jim fisher started a closed facebook group called “faith under construction” that will be exploring some of these ideas & more online. if you have some pretty big church wounds and think some extra processing might be helpful, maybe you can consider joining our next online walking wounded: hope for those hurt by the church group, hosted at live it to the full (we don’t have an exact date right now but you can email me and i’ll let you know when we get it set).  another great site for those healing from church woundedness is www.churchburned.com, hosted by my friend travis klaussen.

lastly, i thought i’d post a few links to old posts that many of you may not have read before that are centered on this topic.  remember my disclaimer:  i am a work in progress and please don’t hold me to everything i’ve said here over the years.  i haven’t re-read all of these in detail,  but i hope that somehow, someway, anything shared here can bring a little bit of hope on this wild & crazy path of rebuilding after deconstruction.

these are the ones that jumped out at me as i looked back (just some light reading, ha ha):  

• surviving spiritual vertigo - tips for grieving the shift
• jenga faith - our faith is stronger than we might think
• kids & faith: what are we creating? - what happens to the kids when we start slipping off the slope
• we’re in good company - mother teresa had some pretty serious doubts, too.
• doubt & faith series: doubt & faith: the wild beautiful ride, doubt & faith: owning our egocentric tendencies, doubt & faith: new ways for old words, doubt & faith – God, you out there?, doubt & faith -  living in the tension
• praying when you can’t find your prayer beads or have taken the word “quiet time” out of your vocabulary - prayer practices
• a nifty chart for the journey:  stages in the life of faith - the original post about the stages of faith chart
• what’s your score:  a walking wounded quiz - we used this way back in 2007, makes me laugh every time.
• what’s inside the bunny? – rethinking spiritual maturity and unlearning church things that leave us hollow
• home  - the reality of spiritual and emotional homelessness
• practical theology – where is God in my real life?
• serenity & courage – the serenity prayer is so healing! a little exercise to remember what we can change & what we can’t
• actually, the grass is greener - yes, it sure is even though they told me it wasn’t.
• church refugee video series: church refugees – part 1, church refugees – part 2, life outside the bubble, church refugees – part 3, spiritual practices
• rethinking the word christian video series - wrestling with the word “christian”, taking things off the table to get to what’s underneath, going back because there’s nowhere else to go
• paradox - accepting parts of ourselves & others & God that are contradictory
• letting God off the hook - when i stopped blaming God for everything
• a time to – this might be a helpful exercise, it was for me.
• yep, i guess i’m a heretic – i’m thinking some of you are, too.
• linear, never was never will be – some thoughts on hope for change

have a great weekend! peace and courage, kathy

on monday (yeah, i haven’t had a rant in a while):  reframing crazy when it comes to church

the other day when i was driving in my car thinking about this series, an old post that i wrote 3 years ago came to mind.  it’s called “i-used-to-but-now-i”. i thought it actually might be a helpful exercise as part of our conversation on rebuilding after deconstructing because it’s centered on respecting where we were and where we are now.

it’s about recognizing & giving language to some of the new.  it’s honoring shifts and helps us say “here’s what’s changed.”

it’s funny, my list from 2009 is so long, but as i looked through it many things still resonated, although maybe not as important to me today as they were then.  as part of this practice, i decided to make a new list, some are from 3 years ago and there are definitely some new ones, too.  i thought maybe some of you might want to give it a try, too.

my 2012 i used to…but now i’s…:

i used to have a fear-centered faith.  now i have a love-centered one.

i used to think the christian life was one of ascent & i kept feeling like a loser because i couldn’t get there. now i think it looks more like descent & it takes away the pressure.

i used to think church was about getting what i wanted–inspiration & wow.   now i think it’s about getting what i actually need–a place to practice loving & being loved.  

i used to feel the need for things to be black and white and make perfect sense. now i really appreciate the gray & the mystery of the “i don’t knows.”

i used to think people could pull themselves up by their bootstraps & change their lives with enough prayer and hard work. now i see how truly complicated poverty, mental illness, and a host of other problems really are.

i used to think that if i talked about God enough & my kids could regurgitate enough scripture verses i’d be a good parent. now i see our actions are far more important than words.

i used to be two people, one on the outside & one on the inside.  now there’s just one of me, with all my strengths & all my weaknesses.   

i used to read the Bible for knowledge.  now i read it for beauty & challenge.  

i used to never even notice the lack of women and underrepresented groups in church leadership. now i can see and smell it from a mile away.

i used to hold on to everything and so tightly.  now i’m trying to practice a looser grip. 

i used to think the kingdom of God was really really narrow. now i think it’s bigger than i ever imagined.

i used to spend a lot of energy shaking my fists. now i am most interested in planting new trees.  

what are some of your “i used to…but now i’s…?”

i’d love to hear!

as the last few post-series posts, i also wanted to take a little time to center on an oft-overlooked topic in the deconstruction conversation–how do we tend to our souls & our spiritual lives when we’re in the midst of so much upheaval?

sure, many of us might be allergic to some old spiritual practices, but are there new ones that we can try that might help us feel less lonely and disconnected to God in the process? in the same vein, and because they are all tied up together, making sure we are tending to the care of our souls in the process is critically important.

life in the spiritual desert of deconstruction requires water, rest and food, or we will die.

for me, as i made some shifts away from the utter & total absorption in the mega-church i was part of, i found that some of the things that brought me comfort before no longer did.  the Bible felt flat.  worship songs made me go a little nutty.  journaling just felt forced.  i longed for connection with God in the-old-ways-that-used-to-work.  but it just wasn’t working.

then something shifted a bit and i began to let go of feeling like i had to grind down to find something i just couldn’t find.  instead, i tried to let go of the old (and not feel guilty about it) and began to notice God in other places.  i tried to do things that i liked to do, that were good for my soul, that helped me feel rest & peace & connection to God, my soul.

here were some of these soul care & spiritual practices on this bumpy road:

i watched a lot of movies.  for me, almost the best soul care there is.

i took one entire day off from meeting or talking with people in any way, shape or form, period.

my family came up with some weekly rhythms of eating & fun that we all began to honor.  it’s been awesome.

i hiked.

i turned off the radio whenever i drove and put my cell phone in the back seat (i need to start this one back up!)

late night conversations with dear friends around fires & kitchen tables & coffee shops.

i tried to practice the daily examen before i went to sleep or when i was driving alone in the car–where i noticed God in some way, shape or form during each day.

i spent as much time as i could on the lake, which is my second-to-the-beach-favorite-place.

i used the message translation of the Bible & tried not to compare it to the passages i was used to.

i started blogging, a really interesting spiritual practice that i think is helpful in getting comfortable in our own skin.

i read the red letters in the gospels.  

in the last year and a half i started walking every-day-come-rain-or-shine for my back, but now it’s one of my best spiritual practices ever.

what about you?  what are some soul care or spiritual practices that sustained you (or are sustaining you) during deconstruction?  if you’d take time to share in the comments, it really does help others with some ideas.

* * * * *

ps:  i have a post up this week for the monthly column at sheloves magazine centered around down we go: living into the wild ways of Jesus.  it’s called cultivating creativity (check out the video in the comments section, too, it’s awesome and related to this series).  i think that cultivating creativity during the rebuilding process can be so healing & freeing.

tomorrow:  one last little exercise from a post a few years ago that might be helpful in remembering where we were & where we are now.  

almost every hurting person i know has a least a couple of stories of things people-said-and-did to them along the way that really was not helpful.  in fact, it often hurt–sometimes deeply.  simple fixes, trite spiritual phrases, and direct messages about getting-better-quick left many of us feeling more shame, anger, and loneliness.

at the same time, often there are people along the way who offer healing balm for our wounds, who stayed with us in the darkness, who provided love & hope & encouragement in such beautiful tangible ways.   their gifts of peace sustained us.

in my own journey through healing from personal pain and physical pain also through my faith shifts, i have experienced both. i know who and what was good for my soul and i know who and what did more harm.  who i willingly drew closer to and who i avoided with a 10-foot-pole.

i think we’re all pretty clear by now that the deconstructing-rebuilding process is a messy, painful journey, not only for us but sometimes for those around us, too.  and we all have stories of things that people said-and-did along the way that helped us and may have also hurt us.

the purpose of this series was to provide some hope & a loose framework for fellow sojourners. my hope was also to create a space to say out loud some things that needed to be said so that we could learn how to navigate through this process ourselves–and with others–better.

as an appendix to the last 2 weeks of posts together centered on rebuilding after deconstructing, i’d love to create two lists that we can share with the world:

1. a list of things people said and did during the bloody messy deconstruction process that helped, soothed, encouraged, and strengthened us.  

2. and a list of ones that were oh-so-not helpful.  it can become the top 10 please-don’t-ever-say-this-to-people-in-the-deconstruction-process.

i’m going to compile all of the responses into something cohesive as part of this series so i really hope you’ll take a few minutes and participate.  this is a time to honor what worked and be painfully honest about what didn’t.  a time to celebrate the good & let it rip on the bad.

here are mine, the helpful & the oh-not-so-helpful things people said to me during deconstruction:

helpful:

#1, without a doubt – when people just listened & didn’t offer any advice.

“it’s really hard”

“i’m with you no matter what”

“oh, i know that feeling”

“i care about you, not just your beliefs”

oh-not-so-helpful:

“when are you going to stop being so bitter?”

“i’m scared for you” 

“i have a sermon that you really need to listen to.”

“the church is made up of imperfect people–what do you expect?”

“my church is so awesome! you’d really like it”

“you’ve got to be careful of the slippery slope.”

i know some of you have much more painful ones than these.  please, share them freely.  others need to know how nuts it can be.

what about you? what helped?  what hurt?  thanks for sharing.

my hope is that we can all keep learning how to be safer for others along the way.

* * * * *

ps: i just got back from chicago and a lovely weekend in conversation centered around sacred friendship.   i met so many wonderful people & it brings me so much hope, these conversations about men and women learning how to love & live & learn & lead alongside one another as equals, as friends.  alise wright blogged a recap each day, and you can read them here and here.  if you are new to this blog and haven’t read anything yet about friendship here, i have a list of posts on the bottom of the past series page.

next here:  soul care & spiritual practices that sustained us during deconstruction 

but my hope for this series was always that we could get all of the posts out there in one big swoop and then over time, people would be able to access them as they needed over time.  i have been blown away by the responses & emails & ways that people have shared what this has stirred up.  there are so many of us out here finding our way.

it reminds me of part of a cheryl lawrie piece i love that’s on the refuge website (she’s a prison chaplain in australia & all of her stuff rocks):

ezekial 37, again

you do not give up on the broken and the lost

you do not give up on the fractured or the shattered or the dying or the dead

you do not give up on the fearful or the hateful or the impossible

you do not give up when there is no heartbeat left or no heart at all

you do not give up you do not leave us for dead

thank god.

yeah, we are not left for dead.

some people might give up on us.

but God doesn’t.

there is so much hope for us.

a huge sign of life is that we are actually still in, trying to talk about this hard stuff..  people may criticize us and call us lost or angry or a host of other adjectives, but the beautiful thing is that we’re still in, trying to find our way toward God.  that, in itself, is a miracle (especially considering what some of you have gone through).  i also know some of you haven’t had painful church experiences but just “grew up.” i would say the same thing to you–it’s glorious that you are wrestling with cultivating a more free faith despite the costs.

as we wrap up, here’s a quick recap of the major movements of the rebuilding process:

rebuilding after deconstructing - there are many ways we find ourselves on this scary, weird, unexpected path, but our stories probably have many of the same threads–doubt, emptiness, loneliness, sadness, fear, anger, and confusion.

honoring the process - growth and change in our faith journey is often labeled as rebellion, divisiveness, and heresy, when really it is just maturity trying to emerge.  as we honor the stages of our faith, we find strength.

acknowledging losses - there’s a helluva lot of grief in this process, and it is so helpful to acknowledge what we’ve lost and allow ourselves to feel the real feelings of grief.

discovering what remains - when we are deconstructing and can’t hold to some of our old beliefs anymore we need to work to discover what is left when it comes to our faith, what’s still there that brings hope.

finding what works - finding what works is about experimenting with different practices and ways of being that create life, passion, and connection with God.

celebrating what was - celebrating the good parts of our past helps us honor what was and actively move toward what is and what could be.

igniting passion - as we keep moving, we begin to find purpose, meaning, and ways to channel our hearts & energy & time in directions that bring life & hope.

exploring possibilities -  even though it’s often scary to re-engage, there are ways to find new forms of safe community & connection with other people of hope.

what’s next?  it’s trusting the path, remembering we’re not lost.

in fact, we’re on a path toward a free-er relationship with God, others, ourselves.

i was reminded of these passages this morning:

“can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?…and I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  (romans 8:35, 38, NLT).

even though people around us might worry about our souls, i hope we can trust that our souls are not in danger by engaging in a deconstruction process.  i’m pretty sure God is plenty big enough to hack this and love us through it.    

and that’s my overall hope for all of us in these shifts that we’re making–that somehow, some way, we’d experience and trust God’s love for us more deeply, clearly, fully and become more secure in it.   i think that’s always been the idea.  the world doesn’t need more, fear-filled insecure christians, it needs more peace-filled, secure ones.

deconstructing can make us insecure, less sure of so many things. and even though it’s true that we might be less certain about a lot of peripheral things, my experience has been that if we stay with the process we emerge much more secure in God’s love for us, our neighbors, the world.  

we actually become more secure in the end. 

we can discover that less is more. 

that in our weakness we are strong.

that we don’t have to “know it all” or prove it all. 

that a simple faith can be a stronger faith. 

that we are loved, really loved, just as we are.

yeah, i have seen over and over again how this path leads to life, not death, if we keep walking.  the road is scary & bumpy & freaky and many people may tell us we’ll be eaten by wild animals or sucked into quicksand on the way.  the more i walk it & see others walk it, too,  the more clear i feel that it’s a good road.  a secure road.  a road-worth-traveling-so-we-can-keep-growing-loving-learning-and-becoming-more-free-in-the-good-and-wild-ways-of-Jesus.

let’s keep being brave.

we are not alone.

we are not crazy.

God is with us.  he’ll never leave us for dead.

we’re in the midst of resurrection.

* * * * *

ps:  even if you don’t normally comment, it would be so great if you’d be willing to share in this thread what this series has stirred up in you, the good, the bad & the ugly.  it is so helpful to all of us in different ways, to hear a wide range of experiences.

coming next week:  things people said & did that helped you in this process (and those that were oh-so-not-helpful) + practices that sustained you during deconstruction.  i hope you can contribute.  we need to make some good lists!

thanks for reading.  your stories bring me more hope than you’ll ever know. peace, kathy