* i wrote this post months & months ago, before everything broke out in arizona.  i never finished it & decided to now as part of this month’s synchroblog.  check out the other links at the bottom of this post.  lots of interesting stuff!

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one of the most controversial and popular posts i have ever written was about health care reform called it’s easy to be against health care reform when you have insurance.  i always joke that i wish people would get as riled up about justice & equality & mercy for the poor and marginalized as much as they get riled up about the thought of government-run health care. it is always interesting to me what presses people’s hot buttons; well, it’s more weird than interesting, and i wonder what might be different in the world if christians took all the time they spent arguing about Bible interpretation and channeled it into advocating for the least of these instead.

i am very passionate about immigration reform for a variety of reasons.  first and foremost, i believe that as a Christ-follower, it is my responsibility to advocate for those without voice & power regardless of race, gender, socioeconomics & a wide variety of other reasons why people are oppressed & marginalized.  also, my husband is hispanic; his parents immigrated to the US from el salvador when he was four years old.  they had papers & are some of the most dedicated, loyal, faithful american citizens this country could ever ask for.  at the same time, they have helped many people over the years get their papers, find their way, and learn how to make a life here.  lastly, while i respect that the laws of this land are very complicated, just because it’s the law doesn’t mean i have to agree with it or that it’s right.

i am not going to get into all the ins and outs of immigration reform in this blog; the best sources for that are sojourners, who always do a great job of really breaking down the issues & helping us understand what’s at stake and how we can influence government decision making.

the part that i’d like to focus on is what’s going on inside each of us about it.  why are we scared of illegal immigrants?  what if we were treated like them?  are we willing to look seriously at the power dynamics that lie underneath and respect that it goes far beyond just a current events issue?

here are some of my half-baked thoughts about why i think it’s easy to be against immigration reform when we have papers.

• we must come face to face with how much we feel threatened by people who aren’t like us.   i think this is a big issue in this conversation because we tend to be so segregated in all kinds of ways–across socioeconomics, race, religious preferences, etc. i can’t tell you how many people who make derogatory comments about spanish speakers speaking spanish in public.  why does that freak us out so much?   it’s just their language, and um, even though we act like it, english-speakers aren’t the center of the universe.  i think we need to examine our prejudices.  i noticed one time when i was driving down the street how i locked my doors when i came to a street corner with some african american kids standing on it.  it felt horrible, my reflex reaction, and i have reflected on that moment many a time.  i think we must continually examine the truth in our hearts about how we feel about people who are different from us.  why do they scare us?  what makes us feel weird around them?   what does it say about us?  what is God stirring up in us about it?

• we need to respect that each and every one of these “illegal immigrants” have a story. real, ugly, beautiful stories of a life on this earth with no power and margin.  they are mothers & fathers & daughters & sons just like us, with the same hopes & dreams & desires & fears.  they tell tales of abuse and hunger and thirst and life and love.  not one of the people i know who have immigrated here ever wished that they had to, in a similar vein that i don’t know one single woman who has had an abortion that wanted to.  oh, it’s so easy to say “well, they could have just stayed and figured it out” but my response to that is “try it for a while and see how desperate you might get to build a better life for your kids.” true compassion comes from putting ourselves in another man’s shoes.  it’s so easy to point when we’ve never been there.

• throwing in the “you always have to follow the law no matter what” argument is very inconsistent with many biblical stories. yes, no doubt, i am all for following the laws & rules of a culture and God’s word talks about submitting to the authorities.  at the same time, we are also called to “follow God, not man”; look at the story of abraham, an illegal immigrant who lied to protect his family & left all that he knew behind.  he is the father of israel yet in this current culture he would be in the ICE facility waiting to get deported.   i just think we can’t get away from the reality that regardless of how they got here, they are here & we have to look at the much bigger story about our humanity, our hearts, power & the dynamics of inclusion & exclusion over the government’s laws. some good material on this has been written by r. danny carroll who is an old testament professor at denver seminary called christians at the border: immigration, the church, and the Bible. i haven’t read it but i had the chance to glance through it and it looked really solid.

• is it possible we’re jealous of how hard others work? i am just wondering, that’s all.  it’s a little like the workplace where everyone gets mad at the hard worker for working faster than they are because it means that others might have to up our game?

• physical borders represent emotional borders. i think tighter restrictions on border control and the idea of a mile high electric fence that “keeps the riffraff out” is a metaphor for something far deeper that is going on within us in our lives, our communities, and our churches.  we protect and insulate ourselves instead of learning and embracing others.  our lines get drawn and we hide behind them because it’s “the law” instead of engaging in the hard work of humbling ourselves and respecting we might have something to learn from people who aren’t like us.  this happens with world religions, racial differences, socioeconomic differences, and a whole host of other dividers.

• these friends are living in fear and without basic human rights. my husband is a pro-bono lawyer & works with domestic violence victims in denver, mainly spanish speakers.  through him i hear story after story of women who are being stripped of basic human dignity and in horribly abusive situations but are terrified of going to the authorities out of fear for deportation.  the immigration authorities aren’t under the same jurisdiction & protections that local law enforcement are and have un-checked power & control that can be really scary.

• since when were the ways of the kingdom of God about protecting ourselves? the ways of Jesus are radically un-self-protecting & require risk & trust & sacrifice.  i do not expect all the laws of the land to bend toward Jesus-y ways, but i am always so shocked by a lot of christian’s individual and corporate response to this issue.  i think what is at the heart of it is a lack of trust.  a feeling that if “we don’t protect ourselves, we’re toast.”  by digging in our heels toward self-protection instead of offering it up to those who need it more, we dismiss the power of the Holy Spirit and buy into the lie that this world is about us feeling safe, in control, and comfortable.

oh, please don’t think for a minute i presume to know very much about the ins and outs of immigration legislation.   i don’t.  but i believe that the reason why this touches such a chord in our hearts is because it taps into core-humanity-issues of prejudice & power & fear. and i think we’d much rather hide behind “because it’s the law” than look at that.  i have deep respect for so many people i have encountered out here in blog-land and in denver who are passionately advocating and working tangibly on behalf of illegal immigrants & judicial reform.  it has renewed my hope, seeing so many beautiful friends who are using their papers, power, and privilege, they will use those things on behalf of those who don’t. i sorta think that’s what Jesus would do.

ps: below is the song that came to mind as i was writing this post (the bad words are bleeped out).  yeah, until we’ve walked a mile in another’s shoes, we don’t know what it’s like to have to choose.

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here are some other bloggers writing on this topic this week.  check them out:

Mike Victorino at Still A Night Owl – Being the Flag
Liz Dyer at Grace Rules – Together We Can Make Dreams Come True
Sonnie Swentson-Forbes at Hey Sonnie – Immigration Stories
Matt Stone at Glocal Christianity – Is Xenophobia Ever Christlike?
Steve Hayes at Khanya – Christians and the Immigration Issue
Ellen Haroutunian - Give Me Your Tired …
Bethany Stedman – Choosing Love Instead of Fear
Pete Houston at Peter’s Progress – Of Rape and Refuge
Joshua Seek – Loving Our Immigrant Brother
Amanda MacInnis at Cheese Wearing Theology – Christians and Immigration
Sonja Andrews at Calacirian – You’re Right
Jonathan Brink – Immigration Synchroblog
Peter Walker at Emerging Christian – Synchroblog Immigration Reform

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i go through little kicks now and then with certain writers & right now richard rohr is at the top of my list. so many gems, packed with deep wisdom & truth.  when i stumbled upon this short piece last week i knew it was going to be one worth really fleshing out more than just a casual glance and a toss into the good-quotes-to-keep-bin.  the thing that struck me about it was the reminder of just how difficult it is for so many of us (and i’ll dare say especially evangelical-y types) to live in the tension of two contradicting things existing at the same time.  it’s so easy to stick with black or white, wrong or right, good or bad, dark or light.

i know this well in my own life–in the past, any doubt at all was a lack of faith because in my mind doubt & faith couldn’t co-exist together.  of course, that’s radically changed over the years & holding the tension now–although still annoying at times–is much easier.  i also used to not be able to accept being good & bad at the same time.  i’d either have to be “all good” or “all bad” but there wasn’t anything in between.  so that looked like doing all kinds of things like a “super christian” or swinging the completely other way & defining myself as a “miserable shame-ful wretch.”

there are so many different paradoxes within all of us.  most human beings i know, when they’re being really honest, are a crazy mixture of good & bad, light & dark, ugly & beautiful, strong & weak, confident & fearful. it’s what makes us human. the problem that so many of us have encountered, though, in our spiritual walk is that very little of what we’ve been taught helps us embrace these things at the same time. if we have fear, then we must not trust God.  if we are sinning, then we must not have any good in us.  if we are weak, then we must not be very strong. (note: i think this is why a bunch of christian women have a really hard time admitting they are afraid).

i believe so much freedom would come if we could better learn how to embrace the paradoxes in ourselves. and if we can embrace the paradoxes in ourselves, then it’s far more likely that we can accept them in other people (including God) as well. it really is the first step.

last week as we wrapped up our summer session for our house of refuge (we’ve been doing the 12 steps together), i used this rohr paradox piece in a short exercise we all did together as part of step 12, which is very focused on paying forward what we’re learning on the healing journey.  i think a huge gift we can give to ourselves & the relationships we are in is learning to embrace life, ourselves, each other in paradox.   each of us wrote down the paradox that we see in ourselves & went around the room & simply shared the two words; i could never re-create it, but i will say it was glorious & beautiful to hear all of the wild contradictions we are all learning to hold in tension.  the one that popped into my mind for me was “strong & weak.”

the more i’ve been reflecting on this since last week & from the many random conversations i have had since then, i am more convinced than ever how difficult this is for most people to do at a very deep level. sure, it’s easy to say “oh yeah, i know i’m good and i’m bad at the same time.” but on a gut level, when we really dig a little deeper, it becomes more apparent how much work is being done underneath the surface personally, relationally, spiritually to “get-out-the-bad-the-conflict-the-negative-emotion-as-soon-as-possible-so-we-can-somehow-be-all-good-and-life-is-easier.”

here are some of the benefits i can think of off the top of my head if we can learn to embrace this idea of paradox:

• we can learn to accept all parts of ourselves instead of rejecting the ugly-real-human-being stuff & being mad at God and ourselves for not getting it out fast enough.

• we’ll have keener eyes to see the beauty & the ugly (and all the other kinds of wild paradoxes that exist) together in other people (and institutions, too) instead of only focusing on only one or the other.

• the capacity for grace for ourselves, for others increases.

• we’ll stop setting ourselves up in relationships where we’re the all-good-one or the all-bad-one.

• we’ll learn to accept the paradoxes in general life experiences better & develop a resiliency that is impossible when we demand things to be all good or all bad.  we can see joy in suffering, peace in tribulations, and wholeness & healing in brokenness (one of my favorite bloggers, sarah at emerging mummy, recently wrote a post about seeing God in the paradox).

• we can begin to accept that all of these things apply not just to ourselves & others, but to God, too.  it might help us let God off the hook a bit.

• we can also see the paradoxes that exist in institutions as well.  yep, that means churches & organizations & families & all kinds of other systems and structures that are filled with all kinds of lovely & annoying paradoxes we’d rather not embrace because it forces us to love & appreciate parts of them we don’t really want to.

• it widens our ability to intersect our lives with people that are very different from us.

it’s not like this idea of paradox is new to me, i tell people (and myself!) about it all the time.  but i think i realized in this past week that it is much easier to talk about in an intellectual sense than truly embrace it in the deep places of our hearts & our experiences. and that i want to be a person who is willing to live in the tension of my own paradoxes & the paradoxes of others & the paradoxes of God & how critically important it is for me to be part of a faith community that keeps learning to as well.

i’ll end with this, one of my favorite brennan manning quotes ever that i’ve used in all kinds of different ways over time (i think i might have shared it once before on the carnival, but i can’t remember which post):

“when i get honest, i admit i am a bundle of paradoxes.  i believe and i doubt, i hope and i get discouraged, i love and i hate, i feel bad about feeling good, and i feel guilty about not feeling guilty.  i am trusting and suspicious. i am honest and i still play games. aristotle said i am a rational animal; i say i am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer.  to live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life’s story, the light side and the dark.  in admitting my shadow side, i learn who i am and what God’s grace means. as thomas merton puts it, “a saint is not someone who is good but someone who experiences the goodness of God.”  - from reflections for the ragamuffins.

i always love comments, they make it way more fun: how easy or hard is for to embrace the paradoxes in yourself, others, God?

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ps: i have a post up this week at communitas collective called romance vs. reality. i sometimes forget to mention that here (it happens every 3 weeks or so…)

ppss:  if you haven’t checked it out, the refuge blog is kind of fun, a variety of different voices from our community each week.

i’ve been off line for the past few weeks getting my kids off to a new school year & taking a break from thinking about the blog.  it’s nice to have 8am-3pm back every day after 3 long wacky months getting my oldest out to college & enjoying summer with my other 4.  i hope you’ve had a good summer, too! i love fall & am really looking forward to the upcoming season.

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“get ready, God is preparing you for something really, really small” – shane claiborne

i have always tended to do everything big in my life.  i never really set out to have 5 kids, but i am the one who had 12 bridesmaids and over 400 people at our wedding & keeps the post office in business with how many christmas cards we send every year.  it’s just…me (and that my #1 strength on the strengthsfinder is “includer”, ha ha).

but i’m learning something really precious and beautiful in my life right now–just how powerful “small” really is. most of you know that i earned my chops in big-church world, really stepping into leadership about 9 years ago and then ramping it up a few years later and being on the pastoral staff at a mega-church.  the contrast between where i was and where i am now is actually quite comical and once in a while at some our refuge gatherings i find myself chuckling at the differences between the two.  i went from as professional & amazing & full-of-wow-and-tons-of-people as you can get to simple-pared-down-unplugged-and-small.  it really is apples & oranges. and while i’m not in any way saying that “big is bad” i think i’m more convinced than ever that  “small is plenty.”

here’s why:

• transformational, redemptive relationships require a whole lot of time and energy. learning Jesus’ ways of love is complicated.  so many people–no matter how put together on the outside they may look–struggle with feeling loved by God & people & passing on love to God and people.  shifting those deep places in hearts is not something that comes in a snap. it takes a long time to build trust, intimacy & connection.  it takes intention and fighting against the path of least resistance which will always tend toward “i’m too busy” or “i really don’t need people in my life, i’ve got it covered on my own.”    after 4 wild years of life in the refuge community, i see up-close-and-personal just how much time and energy it takes to nurture transformation.   the tangled web of life together is impossible to navigate in a sea of hundreds of nameless faces.

• real life is unpredictable and hard; the needs are great. $*!&!( happens.  marriages begin to crumble, jobs get lost, people get sick, family members die, relationships break up, kids get in trouble, people get inspired to adopt children from foster care & overseas, depression kicks in, the pain gets great enough to enter recovery.  real life is unpredictable and if i look around most of the relationships i am in–both in and outside of the refuge community–there’s a lot of real life going on that is complicated and messy.   sure, it’s easy to just stand by and watch when there’s no real connection between people, but in a small community dedicated to life together, in different ways we all share in the pain and struggle together. and while it is a beautiful gift, it also reminds me of how impossible it is to really do that level of sharing burdens on a big, wide scale.   when it comes to the needs of real life, small is plenty.

• everyone needs a space to use their gifts & passions & voice. this of course is something i’m most passionate about because i believe that the body of Christ is supposed to be a place where each and every person who is a part is contributing in some way, shape or form–bringing their gifts & passions & voice to the community.  in big settings, there’s only so much “room” so the talented & louder voices are the ones who usually get heard.  in our practicing community, we go out of our way to hear from as many different people as possible in as many different ways as possible.  and even then, it’s still hard to really create the space and cultivate the possibilities for everyone.

• growth doesn’t mean numbers. this has been the best lesson i keep trying to remember.  almost all church-planting and success-in-life models are focused on numerics & dollars–butts in seats & bucks in the offering plate or some combination of that.  i have come to peace with something different in a new way this past year.  the growth that i see really has nothing to do with the-number-of-people-who-come -to-our-gatherings but rather seeing people become more loving, caring, compassionate, generous, and kind in little & big ways.  of seeing people find hope when there wasn’t any.  of seeing people really “become more like Christ” even if none of those words were ever used.  as i’ve said over and over again here at the carnival, there’s a big difference between building churches & cultivating communities.

• every system struggles to be healthy. families, groups, churches, organizations all have a tendency toward unhealthiness because there are people in them! keeping any system on a healthy path is no small task.  i think there’s a misconception that small can mean insulated or in-grown.  it doesn’t have to.   smaller communities need to really consider how to integrate and enfold new people & continue to reach out & be open to change & transformation & connection with the wider body.  this takes work, but i have seen how beautiful it can be, too–when new friends are welcomed & integrated & loved in tangible practical ways or supportive friendships with other communities are formed.

• never underestimate how much impact “small” can really have.  i feel so blessed to see this in some little ministries, missional communities, and individuals-who-are-dedicated-to-the-poor-and-marginalized-in-all-kinds-of-crazy-innovative-ways.  small pockets of love matter.  justice & mercy & hope ripple out from small acts of kindness & love.  one life can change one other life.  and that one life matters. voca femina, the creative arts site for women we started over a year and a half ago, is small potatoes in all kinds of ways; yet, for each woman who contributes, each person that reads, beauty & hope is being inspired.   if we are always thinking we’re not big enough, strong enough, cool enough, sustainable enough, or all kinds of other barriers-to-freedom-and-peace, we will miss out on amazing people & opportunities to love & live right in front of us.

i was in a conversation with a dear sister-on-the-journey a while back & she said, “kathy, i just want a small deep rich life.  that’s enough for me. i don’t want to travel the world, change the course of history. i just want to live my little life well.” those words have lingered.  that’s what i want, too.  sure, i have visions of grandeur here and there, but that mainly comes from getting sucked into what other people are doing instead of keeping my eyes focused on the loveliness right in front of me that is made to be enjoyed, valued, treasured, nurtured, cultivated, honored.

i think learning how to embrace small as plenty means being comfortable in our own skin, accepting ourselves how we truly are individually & corporately, and bending our ear and heart toward the ways of the kingdom of God–where the ways of the world are turned upside down, the last shall be first and the first shall be last, where learning the ways of love one relationship at a time  supersedes everything else.

yeah, more than ever, i am discovering that small is plenty.

what do you think?

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when christine asked for some kingdom is near stories for this summer, i thought of all kinds of fun ways i see the kingdom of God in the life of our beautiful faith community, the refuge.  but the one that seems to rise to the surface often is the beauty of gender equality when-it’s-really-lived-out-in-the-body-of-Christ.

honestly, i never set out to be so passionate about gender equality in the church. i have always been a boat rocker in general, but it wasn’t until about 6 years ago that the scales fell from my eyes and i saw clearly how unjust so many church systems really were when it comes to gender equality.  i am a little mad at myself, to be honest, that i submitted myself to systems that oppressed women and silenced their voices for so many years.  i think it’s because their oppression was subtle; it wasn’t like women weren’t able to serve and lead in many capacities.  it was just that there was a clear and noticeable limit to that work and all the “power” ultimately rested in men instead of being shared openly and freely together.

over the years things have shifted and i see what it can look like for men & women to learn to live, love, and lead alongside each other.  it is not easy to do; there are all kinds of forces working against it.  but isn’t that really what the kingdom of God is all about?  that despite the resistance of all of the “forces” of man and the world (and sometimes religious systems), there’s now a new reality possible because of God’s spirit-at-work-in-all-kinds-of-ways-that-defy-the-status-quo.

i am so thankful to get to see the kingdom of God up close and personal almost every day.  i see men and women learning how to be friends, real brothers & sisters on the journey.  i see men and women using their voices alongside each other, separately & together but equally.  i see men and women healing deep wounds from their past with people and their present with God because they are finding people who reflect God’s image as mothers & fathers & sisters & brothers & daughters & sons in community.  i see women freed to use their gifts and passions right alongside men and men fanning that into flame tangibly.  i see prayer and support teams that aren’t just women-supporting-women or men-supporting-men but a lovely mix of both together, focused on loving and supporting and encouraging hurting friends.  i see people saying out loud “i don’t know how to be friends with men (or women), but i want to learn. can you help me try?”

really, what i’m seeing up-close every day is how Jesus’ spirit can break down patricarchal systems of inequality that have been deeply engrained in us. it is not something that comes in a rush, but it is something that can come when God’s people give up power and mutually submit, one to another, in freedom and love.

our community is small.  it is not flashy or exciting.  we are poor.  we are messy.  and there’s no question–sometimes it’s downright scary to have this level of community going on right before my very eyes. but one thing i know for sure–gender equality is so pretty, a beautiful reflection of the kingdom of God in the here and now.

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a few other things i wanted to let you know about:

• starting in september, the monthly synchroblog is back with a regular schedule.  you can check out all the dates & details here.  i hope that some of you who blog will be willing to contribute; i remember when i first heard about a synchroblog  i was all nervous & intimidated, thinking “oh, that is just for people who are cool-bloggers-who-know-what-they’re-doing-unlike-me.” (so not true but entering into something new can feel like that sometimes).  but i plunged in the pool & am so glad i did. it’s just a great eclectic mix of people from all different perspectives writing on the same topic.  no pressure, no big deal, no hoop-la or competition.  i hope that you’ll consider being part. upcoming topics  are a great mix:  september is immigration, october is same-sex-marriage, november is life through the eyes of the marginalized, and december is advent.  email me if you have any questions.

• lots of good posts on big-tent christianity, too, from their synchroblog. check it out here.

• my friends craig spinks & jim henderson have some new great, interactive material out about young people’s perspectives on christianity that we can all learn so much from called the outsider interviews.  several of my friends are featured in it & have powerful stories that need to be listened to if we want to be part of transforming the landscape of faith for upcoming generations. i hope you check it out.

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it’s a dingy church basement.  a single light bulb hangs from the ceiling.  gritty coffee with powdered creamer is being poured like water. a few friends are smoking a last cigarette before walking back inside.  the circle of metal folding chairs is average sized, not too big, not too small.   everyone takes their seats and the leader opens the meeting, reminding everyone of the common bond they all share, the reason why they are here–they are a bunch of church leaders admitting they are addicted to control and want to stop.  need to stop.  long to stop.  but they realize they can’t do it without some serious help.  some serious support from other recovering controlaholics who are experiencing sobriety & transformation in their own lives, their own churches.  the leader reads through the 12 steps out loud and opens the meeting for sharing each person’s experience, strength, and hope.  the first brave friend leans forward, takes a deep breath, “hi, i’m the church and i’m a controlaholic.”  and everyone warmly and knowingly chimes back, “hi, church.”

no question this is an extremely stereotypical view of a recovery meeting but it really was the first image that came to mind when i thought about this synchroblog.

yeah, i think “the church” has a control problem. its heart is not bad.  its intentions are not evil.  it doesn’t wake up in the morning thinking “i’m going to ruin a whole bunch of relationships today.” but like all addicts (which i believe we all are in some shape or form), it is often unaware of just how pervasive the problem is and how much damage its really doing with controlling-finger-pointing-we-know-we’re-right-and-you’re-wrong ways.  and the only way to change is to begin to break out of denial and humbly engage in a healing process that will move toward restoration in their relationship with others, God, themselves.  the 12 steps started by alcoholics anonymous can help with that.  every single person i know who has actively engaged in the 12 steps has changed.  they’ve given up unhealthy patterns that have been perpetuated for most of their lives, admitted the fear has been the root of most of their problems, and made amends & restored relationships that were thought to be ruined forever. they are trying to be humble and honest instead of prideful and controlling.  they are kind, compassionate, and empathetic in a way that those who haven’t experienced this level of healing tend to not be.  they continue to learn instead of think they have anything mastered.

to me, the beatitudes is one of my favorite pieces of scripture because it is the place where Jesus turns the ways of the world (and the religious systems) upside down.  based on the beatitudes, the 12 steps seem to kind of do that, too.  they are a movement away from self-centeredness & pride & being right & feeling-good-at-all-costs to a life of sacrifice, humility, and serving others.  i think the beatitudes and the 12 steps are helpful toward becoming a more healthy, kind, compassionate, sacrificial, humble, accepting, loving people.  and i have no doubt that the world would be different if entire systems–not only individuals–would actually follow some of these Jesus-centered principles.

when i heard about big tent christianity’s focus, the first thing that came to mind was that for me it is a movement toward becoming a more healthy, kind, compassionate, sacrificial, humble, accepting, actively loving church. a movement toward living out the beatitudes in practice not just theory.  as we all know, the world is aching for redemption, for hope, for restorative justice, for real, tangible, life-giving love. it’s time for the church to change its controlling ways, to get in touch with the damage we’ve done and begin the painful but beautiful redemptive work of learning to live out of a new place.   real change takes a lot of time, a lot of energy, a lot of focus, a lot of letting God work. but it’s so possible.

the question big tent christianity is asking is:

• “what does big tent christianity mean to you? what does it look like in your context?  what are your hopes and dreams for the church?”

to me, big tent christianity means collectively letting go of our prideful, controlling ways and learning that the world doesn’t just spin around us.  it’s about a wider view, an open-handed view, a more trusting view that God is bigger and deeper and wider than we’ve maybe ever known.  it’s about less fear & more freedom. it’s a soft heart & willing hands and feet, open to the Holy Spirit’s movement.  it’s about corporately becoming known as people who incarnate Jesus in really wild, unexplainable, tangible ways so that others are kind of left wondering “who in the world are those crazy people?  why are they so kind? so loving? so willing to advocate? so present in the muck and the mire of real life? “

in my context of our little eclectic faith community, the refuge, the big tent looks like inclusive diverse community where all are welcome, no matter how put together or messed up.  where questions don’t scare anyone away and we don’t have to have all of the answers.  where people are learning to love and be loved by Jesus.  where we are trying to make advocates, not buildings.  where everyone has a voice.  where men and women live, love and lead alongside each other equally.  where shame loses its power & hope seeps in. where people can practice.  and like an AA meeting, it’s not slick or pretty or big or all that exciting.  it’s just a wild hodge-podge of people seeking God’s hope & help and passing it on to others in small, simple ways.  and while we are thankful for where we are today, we still have so much to keep learning.

i am a huge dreamer when it comes to church.  i know there are many who are done with “christianity” and i can see why.  they love Jesus & long to follow his ways but are sick & tired of the systems that keep giving him a bad name.  i am still one of those ecclesial dreamers who is deeply passionate about what could be.  i think the way out of the mess we’ve created as a system is to break out of denial, bend our knee, and admit that we have been a scared, controlling system for too long & we are tired of living this way.  we need help, we need change, we need trust, we need healing, we need Jesus.

many are afraid of the healing & recovery metaphor as far too psychological, too addict-y, too annoyingly hard to actually do.  i understand. but i’ll hold to what i’ve seen & experienced up close and personal in my own life and in the lives of many other people over the years who have taken the first step and admitted they needed help and wanted life to be different.  our hearts changed. our lives changed.  our families changed.  and hopefully are continuing to change.  and the more i think about it, the more clear i feel that this kind of humble, healing work for “the church” has absolutely no down-side (except that those still addicted to control will be mad at us for changing).  yeah, i have no doubt that a less controlling-finger-pointing-we’re-right-and-you’re-wrong church would emerge.  a more humble, honest, interdependent, compassionate church would emerge.

and that’s my hope for big tent christianity. that’s my hope for me. that through these upcoming years we’d shed our reputation as scared, angry, controlaholics and become “those crazy people who started working their $*!&!~^$(!  and put their money where their mouth was & have really changed. look at the beautiful work that they are doing so freely, so humbly. it looks an awful lot like Jesus.”

as always, i’d love to hear your thoughts on this & what big tent christianity might mean to you.

* * * * *
ps:  for those of you who may not be familiar with the 12 steps, here they are, along with the beatitudes.  as you reflect upon them, think about how the world might be different if corporately”the church” followed these principles.

1.    We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors and that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.    Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.    Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
4.    Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
5.    Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
6.    Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
7.    Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
8.    Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
9.    Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
10.  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
11.  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out
12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

* * * * *

blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

- matthew 5:3-10

if you’ve been reading here for a while you know that i believe that “the church*” is supposed to be the place to practice love not just talk about it.  not sit and learn about it.  not philosophize about it.  but really, really practice it.  and one thing i can say about our community is we may not have any bells and whistles or money or tricks, but we sure do have a lot of practicing going on. (*if you’re new to the carnival, my definition of church is: people gathered together in some way, shape or form to learn & practice the ways of Jesus & pass on love, hope, mercy, justice, and healing in a broken, weird world.)

right now at our wednesday night house of refuge we are walking through the 12 steps together (we did the same thing last summer, using some material that i wrote that makes the steps assessible to those in touch with their basic need to change some unhealthy patterns.  email me if you’re interested and i can send you the file).  so many think that the 12 steps are just for addicts or people in relationship with addicts. nothing could be farther from the truth; based on the beatitudes, they really are a practical guide to becoming more loving, grounded, honest, compassionate, kind, free human beings.  a word that often comes up in 12 step circles is “codependence.” many think that codependence is about really-messed-up-people-who-are-in-relationship-with-an-addict-or-in-an-abusive-relationship.  yeah, it goes far wider and deeper than that.  in a conversation a few weeks ago, we talked very briefly about the difference between “codependence “and “interdependence.”  the more i thought about it, the more i realized that “independence” should be thrown into the conversation, too.   as i’ve been reflecting on these 3 words i see how they apply not only to us individually in our every day relationships, but also in our relationship with God.  and because communities/churches are made up of people & develop a certain innate culture that they live from, they can also collectively embody these patterns, too.

so what’s the difference between codependence, independence, and interdependence when it comes to our relationship with God & others, both individually and corporately?

to me, codependence is essentially an unhealthy pattern of control, care-taking, enabling, people-pleasing, suppressing our own wants & desires for the sake of keeping the peace & our little world as we know it spinning around.  i believe codependence is a human condition and that most of us suffer from it in some shape or form; even those that appear very squared away and confident, often have very strong codependent characteristics underneath.  codependents tend to:

• give but never allow themselves to receive
• be out of touch with what they really want or need
• be martyrs, peace-makers, victims, care-takers
• act out of fear instead of freedom
• live an “if i do or say this or that then God will be happy with me” kind of faith

independence is what i always call “the american way.”  it’s the i-don’t-really-need- anyone-else mentality.   i don’t really need close people in my life, i can handle things on my own, i’ve got it covered.  independence isn’t necessarily a bad thing in that it is good to be free and strong apart from other people; the problem is that typically it means that the person isn’t very engaged in the real stuff of other people’s lives.  underneath a lot of independence is fear.  independents tend to:

• never really connect on an emotional level with other people
• reject input
• believe that things are “just fine the way they are”
• think their way is right
• not really need God much, have their own bases covered

honestly, i believe most people–most churches–tend to stay stuck in codependent or independent patterns, either being addicted to caretaking, people pleasing, holding-back-the-truth with God & others or standing apart, being strong and prideful, and not really allowing themselves to be engaged in real relationship with God or others.

i think Jesus call of love is to learn the ways of interdependence.  true interdependence means we rely on one another in a way that is not unhealthy or creates imbalanced power.

• interdependence requires a vulnerability, a willingness not only to be transparent with how we are doing and feeling but also let others’ love, mercy, wisdom, and help into our lives.
• interdependence is a letting go of self-protection to pursue connection.
• interdependence is a freedom to be ourselves–with all of our uniqueness, strengths and weaknesses–and love others in all of theirs, too, without being compelled to change, reject, or avoid them.
• interdependence is a solid awareness of our own need for grace and the ability to pass it on to others, too.
• interdependence is a heart open to feel others pain but not let it suck the life and hope out of us.
• interdependence requires a courage to risk money, time, and status to stand for justice on others behalf instead of stand by and watch others get taken advantage of.
• interdependence is being willing to need other people and be needed at the same time.
• interdependence is showing up in our relationship with God in an honest and real way instead of faking or avoiding.
• interdependence is a life of spirit-infused sacrifice connected to other people instead of a life of narcissism.

i think it’s fairly easy to be codependent and independent people in our relationship with God and others. it’s some kind of weird crazy human default many of us seem to have.

i think it’s also fairly easy to be codependent and independent communities, either being overly concerned with approval & making everybody happy or thinking we’ve got it mastered & don’t need anyone else.

it’s much harder to be interdependent people (and churches)–the kind that paul talks about in 1 corinthians 12 where the parts of the body are all intertwined  together, doing what they are meant to do, forming a wholeness that they could never form alone.

for me, i know i often teeter between codependence and independence in my own life.  i have that typical adult-child-of-an-alcoholic-keep-the-peace-and-make-everyone-happy tendency and also the i-really-don’t-want-to-need-or-rely-on-anyone independence (honestly, i think independence is just a subset of codependence).

i need to keep remembering that real interdependence–which i believe are the ways of Jesus lived out together in relationship–are usually counterintuitive to so much of what i have been taught both in my personal-family-history-systems as well as my faith experiences. the codependent good girl initially helped me move up the christian ladder, and the independent-got-it-all-covered girl helped me survive in more ways than i can say.  but over the years, i have become more and more aware of how lonely & limiting & not-the-ways-of-Jesus this kind of living is.  it is prideful & self-centered & fearful & far from free.

codependence and independence are ways to control our world & avoid pain & failure instead of living the real, uninhibited, tangled up ways of the kingdom in true-blue interdependent relationship with people & God.

i am trying to risk my heart, my pride, so much of what i have known & engage in real, scary, unpredictable, beautiful, healing interdependent relationships with other men & women on the journey.

and i am hoping our community will learn how to be more interdependent in the wider body of Christ as well.

there’s no question, i/we have a lot to keep learning.

i love what jean vanier says in my all-time-favorite-book-on-inclusive-deep-and-healing-missional-community, community and growth:

“there is always a warfare in our hearts; there is always the struggle between pride and humility, hatred and love, forgiveness and the refusal to forgive, truth and the concealment of truth, openness and closedness. each of us is walking in that passage toward liberation, growing on the journey toward wholeness and healing.”

may we become more whole, interdependent people.

and may we cultivate more whole, interdependent communities.

God, please help us break free of codependence & independence and learn your ways of interdependence.

there’s so much more that could be said about these 3 patterns of doing relationship with other people & in our faith, but i’ll stop here for now.  as always, i’d love to hear some of your thoughts, perspectives & experiences on the differences between codependence, independence & interdependence.

* * * * *

“i want some meat!”“i wish we could get more meat!”“we really need more meat!”

i know those of you who are struggling to buy groceries are thinking the same thing. but i’m talking about a different kind of meat that has nothing to do with grocery stores but everything to do with church. i have heard the cry for “meat” within the church ever since i became a true-blue evangelical church-going christian. when i entered into a season of spiritual and emotional healing about 14 years ago I remember demanding it myself. things started getting a little intense in my women’s group (people were really sharing honestly from their heart, not holding back, going the distance instead of faking it) and i told my group leader “i really wish we used the Bible more in here, i really want more meat! i really want to grow…” (i am now of course so embarrassed that I said this & after having seen the light a few years later confessed to her for not recognizing then that what we were doing in that little group was far more than just some stupid slab of spiritual meat—it was actually the whole cow!). but i was not alone in this kind of thinking. i hear it all the time, although now it is like nails on a chalkboard to me, maybe even like all of my children’s nails on a chalkboard all at once. and as you all know that is a lot of fingernails!

here’s what i think people mean by “meat.”

1. “Bible knowledge” – as in scripture verses and telling us exactly what they are supposed to mean. the more the better. a little bit of hebrew or greek translation adds the perfect spice.

2. “teaching” – teachers telling people what they think they need to learn or know in a very specific clear way so that we feel like we got a “lesson”, something motivating.

3. “certainty” – these are the facts and we are 100% certain that’s what this means and on top of that we are certain this is what you are supposed to do with this knowledge, too.

4. “a touch of shame” – some kind of moment that gets created when you think “now I’ll try harder….I need to be more godly…I am convicted and now this week I will get rid of that sin for good.”

while none of those things are inherently “wrong” what gets to me about all of them is they are sort of irrelevant to the gospel of Jesus. in fact, he said over and over to the religious leaders who had these 4 things mastered up and down, backwards & forwards, “ummm, guys, you are missing the point. here’s all that you need to do—be like me.” he didn’t say “go to a room, feed your belly with knowledge, get inspired and go home feeling spiritually fat.” he said, “hang out with the outcasts, the losers, the nonreligious, the prostitutues, the sick (oh, and by the way, that means you), get in touch with your brokenness & need for me and practice the way of self-sacrifice, generosity of spirit, humility and love. yes, my friends, this is what will change the world.”

i love the Bible. i think scripture can be transforming. but i also believe we have dismissed that true spiritual maturity is a life of serving others in tangible ways, humbling ourselves to the lowest place, giving up our comfort, money, time, pride for the sake of others. remember, the word of God became flesh, and that is what He did.

i think when we are honest what we really want is to be spoonfed spiritual milk and are terrified of true, tasty, Jesus steaks. most of the people i have been around through the years who demand “meat” are great, sincere believers. but usually their expressed desire for “meat” is actually them running for the safety of others who are more socially acceptable and sound more godly.

you see, the church has contaminated our taste buds. we have been taught to think that “spiritual” must include Bible knowledge, certainty, teaching, a touch of shame (and healing that looks like good behavior) so we keep seeking after it, church after church, Bible study after Bible study. but honestly, what it seems like to me is that people keep learning but never really apply much. we’re lonely but we never connect. we keep slipping in and out of services but never engage with a hurting person beyond “hi, nice to meet you.” we keep going to Bible studies & church meetings & services & prayer times hoping we’ll become more like Jesus and end up insulating ourselves more and more from the very places Jesus always was hanging out.

so here’s my soapbox mantra for the past 5 years or so, everytime I hear someone demand “meat”….“okay, no problem, look around. i see freezer after freezer full of it.”

reach out to someone in need no matter how messy it seems. help the poor. sacrifice your time and money. restore a broken relationship. love the outcast, especially the person that bugs the hell out of you. spend the time you waste watching TV investing in a person, no matter how young or old. stop nagging your spouse and change your behavior. serve someone else. open your home to others. force yourself to do something uncomfortable. get your head around the reality that you’re just as messed up as ‘those people’. humble yourself and let another person into your life. stay in a friendship for the long haul instead of running away.

and here’s what i believe usually happens next—never directly, always subtly—“nah, that kind of meat, i can do without. when does the next Bible study start?”

our taste buds have been contaminated. Jesus’ ways sometimes don’t initially taste too good going down. but for me, i have to say, nothing’s better than the aftertaste– the quiet moments when I notice where God’s spirit worked, what He is teaching me about me, life, humanity in the midst, and the beauty in the ugliness.

i know a lot of people think that at the refuge we are drinking milk. it sure tastes like steak to me.

“every time there are losses there are choices to make. you choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression, and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, something deeper…”

- henri nouwen

* * * * *

i came across this nouwen passage this past week & it touched my heart in a good and deep way, and i thought in light of the last 3 church refugee videos that i would focus just a little on this issue of loss and change. one of the things that is hard about blogging (or 10 minute video conversations) is that you can never fully flesh out each and every one of these ideas.  it also sort of bugs me that in many christian circles there is a weird expectation that in every sentence, every paragraph, every “moment” there are certain words expressed that somehow tie it up and make it cleaner, easier.  i wrote about this a long time ago in the first year of the refuge in a post called “get over it.” some of the ideas i shared way back then came back to me this week–how certain words, hopefulness, or a good-and-clear-happy-ending makes us feel so much better.  an example of this is when i say “i am angry about this injustice” it’s hard for some people to hear.  but if i say “i used to be really angry but God did a work in me and now i have so much peace” then we smile and nod and feel so much better.  i think it’s because many of us, on the whole, have a hard time with raw emotion and honesty.  and we also have a hard time with loss and grief.  i don’t think that struggle is exclusive those who are or have been part of “the church” but i do think for those engrained with churchianity it is sometimes harder because so little has been taught about what it means to live really authentically, be strongly connected & able to express what’s going on inside of us, and the art of lament and waiting.

one of the things i love most about the psalms is that so many are cries of the heart about loss, change, fear, and anger.  but over and over the psalmists draw back on the peace and hope of God in the midst.  and as we all know, some of them are more hopeful than others.

most all the people i know have experienced deep loss at this stage of their lives–loss of relationships, dreams, innocence, marriages, ministries, churches, health, jobs, people, and just about everything in between.  the healthiest ones i know are those who are able to be honest about their loss and let their losses lead them to new places in their journey with God, others, and themselves. but at the same time, most all of us who have lost much will express that there were funky waves and seasons where anger, despair, confusion, and depression somehow set in along the way.  it wasn’t all roses and sunshine, that’s for sure.  it is a process, and like most emotion-human-real-stuff-of-people’s-lives, the journey is not linear.  there are ups and downs and all arounds along the way.  but, if we hang on, strap in, have safe places to share and good-fellow-sojourners-to-carry-some-of-our-load-here-and-there-while-we-are-crying-out-to-God-and-others-sometimes-without-words we can find a new place to live. the scars still remain.  we all have our war wounds.  but our losses can lead us to new places, as nouwen says, places that are wider and deeper.

today i find myself really sad about all that i’ve lost when it comes to the-church-system-i-originally-came-from.  oh, how some days i wish i could just play the game and go with the flow.  $!*!&^$^!(,  it would be easier in so many ways.  but i know that this nutty, scary path that God has me on is the one that i must continue to follow.  some criticize that orthopraxy without orthodoxy is not right, and that somehow being clear about “belief” is always necessary.  i really resonate with what brennan manning says somewhere in one of his books–”if you want to know what a person believes, watch what they do.”

i may have many “i don’t knows” in my faith, but i am more clear on Jesus than i ever have been when it comes to what he calls his followers to do (i’m not saying i always do it or have any of this stuff nailed down, but i am personally more and more convicted about what that really looks like, and yes, it’s uncomfortable, hard, and oh-so-counter-to-the-world-and-most-systems-and-not-only-the-religious-ones).   i am also acutely aware that the Holy Spirit is alive and well, moving, changing, stirring, leading, shifting, calling people to hard and beautiful things in the midst of all kinds of crazy losses.

i do not want to be a person who lets the losses i have experienced–and am experiencing–keep me stuck in anger, depression, blame and resentment, but it’s okay to say “this is is how i am feeling, this is where i am at, this is what i’m wrestling with.”  it does not make us bad, unfaithful, or losers.  but at the same time, i want to be a person who allows the losses in my life to be glorious, unfamiliar, wild, and beautiful passages to new, wider, and deeper places.

and i hope the same for each of you. i am thankful for your voice here, that you take time to read, that you are trying to live despite all the weird unexpected twists and turns your life may have taken, that you care deeply about people, that you are seeking God, that your heart is stirred to live out the gospels in all kinds of wild and amazing ways, that you are willing to be honest about your losses and be open to hope & wider, deeper places.

i believe God is far bigger than the institutions and boxes we humans try to put God in.  and i believe God speaks in all kinds of ways far beyond christian small groups & sermons & worship music & the Bible-according-to-the-one-sure-interpretation.   and i also believe that when people are displaced out of all they once knew, sometimes connecting with God, opening hearts up to God, experiencing God is far from easy and free.  it takes practice to break beyond the confines of past spiritual experiences & expectations & all kinds of language & baggage that go along with it.  in this last video phyllis fleshes out some ideas of spiritual practices that can help church refugees open up to new possible ways of connecting with God & themselves in new, unfamiliar ways.

if you are a church refugee, what are some other spiritual practices that have helped you along the way? please share so that others can glean from your experience, too.

when thinking about church refugees, i thought it was interesting that the definition of a refugee is:  “one who flees in search of refuge, as in times of war, political oppression, or religious persecution.”  church refugees are somehow displaced out of the system for all kinds of reasons–disillusionment with God, hurt by leadership/system, just-can’t-do-the-grind-anymore-and-long-for-something-different and a whole slew of other things. one of the problems, though, is there aren’t that many refugee camps–safe places–for church refugees. this video fleshes out a little bit more about “life outside the bubble” and the importance of respecting the wide range of emotions and fallout of making these shifts.

i’d love to hear some of your thoughts.

ps: coming up in a few days–church refugees, part 3: spiritual practices