women in ministry
the order of the brokenhearted
even though i posted a few days early for international women’s day with the power of being wanted, i want to remind everyone that today, march 8th, is officially it so i hope that each of us take some time today to consider our contributions to the advancement of women in today’s world. i love what mother teresa says “if you can’t feed 100 people, just feed one.” if you can’t help 100 women, just help one. maybe this is by using your power in some small way today on behalf of another woman at work, at school, at home, in some other avenue. maybe it’s by sending money that supports a woman’s empowerment and economic freedom. maybe it’s making a phone call or sending an email that reminds some women in your life of their worth & value. maybe it’s by you as a woman standing a little taller today, stepping into your dignity and worth instead of letting the voices that try to pull you down get the best of you.
i encourage each of you to take just a few minutes and read this powerful declaration of sentiments written by elizabeth cady stanton, a leader in the women’s suffrage movement, 1848 at seneca falls. i read through it last night & was deeply struck by how far it appears we have come but how far we still have to go. i think i’m going to read it as a spiritual discipline every international women’s day (thanks, jessica. please, everyone, read my dear friend jessica roye’s powerful post called the past and future of things. she is in the trenches on the streets of portland co-pastoring home-pdx & is seriously amazing.
i just got back from a lovely convergence weekend up in portland with an amazing group of wise & powerful & courageous women leading & living in all kinds of shapes and forms. i am struck by the need, more than ever, to continue to provide places of encouragement & support so that women’s influence can continue to touch this broken, disconnected world, this broken, disconnected church.
i shared this poem that was written by my blog friend j.ted voigt in his book pages called holy. i highly recommend getting a copy of it as it is packed with beauty & hope for the kingdom. i was privileged to write an endorsement on the back cover, and one of my all-time favorite church-related poems–springtime for a church–was inspired by a post i wrote early on at the carnival called a community where men cry. anyway, i thought in honor of international women’s day i’d share it here, too.
i hope that men & women everywhere join this order of the brokenhearted. that we listen & notice & strain to see what women & the oppressed & marginalized are experiencing. that our hearts break over it. and that we boldly listen to the Spirit’s prompting on what it means for us individually & as communities that care beyond just words.
ORDER OF THE BROKEN HEARTED
We are Holy Order
of the brokenhearted
unreasonably in love
with sinners
nauseated by the though tof sin
hopeful-ly in love with the poor
counting ourselves among them
we strive to help even when we can’t help
as we lack visible, tangible, credible resources
we meet violence with peace
knowing this is
sometimes
how martyrs are made.
Our call to holiness
is a call to broken heartedness
The One who calls us
is The One who heals us
our creed is The Spirit
The Spirit is our only hope
and we are a hopeful
joyful
brokenhearted
brethren
- J. Ted Voigt
i’d love to hear what this stirs up in you.
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a few other links in honor of international women’s day i’d like to point you to, there are so many out there but these are just a few in my inbox this morning:
- jeff mcquilken wrote the voice of the woman. thanks for giving voice to this.
- julie clawson’s international women’s day
- minnowspeaks powerful & honest post two daughters
- my dear friend elaine hamilton is in this week’s recycle your faith video–embracing the mess. she cornered me in the bathroom at a church in san diego and invited me to this group 16 years ago. it changed my life forever & started me on the path toward healing & hope in my relationship with God, myself, and pretty much everyone important to me. safe community is beautiful, empowering thing not just for women but for men, too. we need more places like this.
- and if you haven’t already heard about compathos, please check out the site. my friend cynthia la-grou started it along with a few others & their work is incredible. they are an amazing network dedicated to raising awareness of innovative, collaborative, restorative projects around the world on behalf of social justice issues. check out this piece called women who dare.
the power of being wanted
this monday march 8th is international women’s day. i’ve written a post in honor of it the past 2 years (you can read them here & here) & really wanted to write one this year, too. there’s something powerful about a bunch of people thinking, talking, sharing, listening, learning, about the same topic at the same time. i am not aware of a synchroblog this year, but i might have just been out of the loop & am going to be out of town for the next few days, so thought i’d post today anyway. it’s interesting, too, how this post has evolved. it’s been all over the place, and i am sure that i will share some of the other ideas that floated across my mind in the future but it ended up much more personal than i had expected after an odd but good experience i had yesterday that is so connected to this whole thought of women & the church & the world.
i was at a lovely gathering with some friends who do some great work here in denver on behalf of the poor & oppressed. they are good & kind to me in all kinds of ways. but i was the only woman there. this is not an uncommon feeling to me and in the past i used to take it as a point of pride. now, i see it as a sign that something is wrong. there’s something broken in the system somehow. this group of people are some of the dearest ever, but i realized as the post-group conversation continued that i felt like crying. as i looked around the room i noticed that every single one of those guys had been “wanted” by their organization. recruited, nurtured, included. and how i longed to have that same feeling. sure, i am invited into these meetings because i’m in the trenches with people in hard places and they like me, but i think i have always felt left out because i’ve never been really truly asked to be part of the ongoing work that they are doing. this has absolutely nothing to do with them; there’s no “job” for me there anyway, but i noticed that there was something way bigger going on inside of me that was completely unrelated to this conversation with them.
it is a really cruddy feeling to not be wanted.
and as a woman in christian ministry it is a familiar feeling. i remember how empowering it was 7+ years ago when i first got the call that said “we want you to come and be part of this staff , we need you.” i felt wanted. included. recruited, invited. and when that all went awry and i basically “exited’ that world i know what it feels like to not feel “wanted” anymore.
yes, my community wants me. yes, my friends across all shapes & sizes & beliefs want me. yes, you lovely and faithful readers at least appear to want me. yes, God wants me. yes, once in a while i get a gig or an opportunity that makes me feel a little-extra-wanted.
but on the whole, in the wider system, in the great big christian “church in the sky”, i don’t feel wanted.
how could i? how could so many other women?
there’s a strong and powerful undercurrent in the patriarchical, hierarchical systems that have permeated the church that says to women “we don’t really want you.” well, actually we do, but we want you “if you will play by our power rules” or to “do the grunt work that needs to get done, take care of the kids & keep the world spinning round at church & at home.” but we don’t really want all of you–your powerful, creative, beautiful gifts & powerful, wise, nurturing voice side-by-side us as equals together.
yes, people can start throwing out scripture verses about now about equal in value & different in roles. i am not here to argue this with anyone. we can kindly agree to disagree.
but i feel very confident about this: there are a bunch, and i do mean a bunch, of women who feel unwanted in the place that they should feel the most loved, most valued, most treasured, most encouraged, most free–the wild & beautiful body of Christ. this goes across giftedness, passions, strength, loudness, leadership-ness, etc. in typical christian systems, women have been stripped of much of their value beyond what is useful to the system–which tends to be controlled by men. and i know why they stay; because crumbs from the table are better than no food at all.
yesterday i was struck with that feeling of just feeling hungry.
and tired. on behalf of myself. and behalf of all of the women that i would love to see nurtured, invited, encouraged, recruited, valued, and truly set free.
and of course this stretches far beyond the reach of just the church. we all know that there are millions upon millions of women who are unwanted around the world and in the cities we live in. beautiful daughters of God who are mistreated, unvalued, stripped of their dignity & painfully used as a regular part of their experience here on earth.
so it’s quite easy to say “well, look at how good you have it, be thankful, you could be born in afghanistan or iran or a whole lot worse situations than this.” of that, i have no doubt. trust me, i am thankful beyond measure for my life, my community, my freedom to live out what i believe. but at the same time, i absolutely believe that my freedom & their freedom & your freedom is completely and utterly intertwined. when we are in bondage, they are in bondage. when we are unwanted, they are even more unwanted. when we are more free, they have a chance to be more free. i can’t get away from the harsh reality that the typical christian system keeps the poor, the marginalized, the underrepresented trapped & silenced in all kinds of painful ways.
maybe this is why the women in the gospels were so radically connected to Jesus; they knew the system was brutally bent against them & that somehow, some way, the power of his message set them free. they felt wanted.
and yes i do feel wanted by Jesus. i just sometimes don’t feel wanted by the reflection of his body here on earth. i heard his powerful presence in the car yesterday, in a deep place in my heart: “i never, ever, ever, feed you the crumbs….and kathy, never, ever, ever feed someone else them either.” i know for me this means to do whatever i can, in my own limited ways, to invite fully my brothers & sisters to the table in all their strength, in all their weakness, in all their power & all their lack thereof, in all their beauty, in all their ugliness. to make room. to help others feel wanted.
yet wanting people doesn’t mean saying it is enough. it means actually doing the hard work of creating the space and inviting those who have never had a space at the table, restoring dignity & hope, learning about how deeply engrained these power differentials are, fanning into flame intentional ways of bringing forth what’s been silenced, to begin to respect how without each other we can’t possibly reflect the kingdom of God.
and, most importantly, embracing that the women around the world & in our cities & neighborhoods & families can’t be free when we’re not free & we can’t be free when they’re not free.
i am so grateful for the freedom i have experienced over the past few years & will do what i can to pass it on. at the same time, yesterday i was struck yet again with the magnitude of the problem far beyond just women in leadership–that’s just one small symptom of a much bigger problem: the pervasiveness that years upon years of inequality & oppression & not-being-truly-wanted-and-valued has created for women across all shapes & sizes & walks of life and experiences.
anyway, i think i’m becoming a liberation theologian in all kinds of ways. and as we celebrate international women’s day as a world, my hope is that the church, the reflection of Jesus Christ–what’s supposed to be the most inclusive, valuing, free-ing force on this earth–would pave the way for setting women free and demonstrate with actions that we are wanted.
what do you think?
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ps: i have a guest post up at the evolving church conference blog. it’s in toronto april 10th. i can’t go, but i am sure it’s going to be a great convo. the theme is the kingdom economy. the post i wrote is called new wineskins for new wine. comments are always appreciated & help others learn and think and consider beyond just what was originally written.
Read Morerethinking the word “pastor”
i have had this post swirling around in my head for over a year now and am finally taking the time to put these thoughts about the word “pastor” in black-and-white.
6 years ago on january 1st i went on a church staff as a “pastor.” looking back, the whole thing is so weird because i never thought of myself as a pastor even though i’ve really being doing it in some weird shape or form since i was a teenager. my graduate degree is focused on organizational development and years later, after having a bunch of babies and finding myself in “church” instead of the professional world, i decided to get more ministry-ish training and go to seminary to pursue a second master’s degree in counseling (i discovered i was an utterly horrible therapist–i stink at 50 minutes once a week, and the only thing i kept thinking when i was with people was how to plug them into healing community outside of the office and introduce them to other friends who struggled with similar faith/life things). i also discovered that i didn’t want to go to graduate school twice for the same level of degree. so after my first year at seminary and my counseling practicum i knew i was on the wrong track and made the switch to spiritual direction–which i love and was a better fit for all kinds of reasons–and got myself a fancy certificate in it (that no one really cares about) in 2004.
my point, though, is that i had been facilitating groups and journeying with people for years, always focused on shepherding people, healing, compassion, and change in their real life; yet, i never, ever considered myself a “pastor.” that word was reserved for people who stood up in front of people at a pulpit or on a stage and taught for 30 minutes and did ministry for a living. and when i got a call from a friend asking me if i’d consider going on staff at his church as the care pastor in 2002 i thought he was calling to ask me if i knew anyone who might want the job; it never occurred to me that he would be calling to ask me to do it. i didn’t take the position; the twins were too little and i didn’t have the support from home i needed to go for it then. after turning it down, i thought my “big opportunity to be an official pastor” was gone. so i kept doing what i loved to do and cultivated a soul care ministry at the church i was at, doing all kinds of pastoring-ish things but never having the title that went along with it. in 2003 i got another phone call asking me to re-think the care pastor position, this time as the associate care pastor since the church had grown and they needed 2 instead of one. this time, the twins were a year older and jose was on board so on january 1st, 2004 i stepped into the title & role & money of a “pastor” on a big church staff. two short & wild years and two pastor-titles later i found myself out of a job but with an ever greater passion for cultivating true community.
i readily admit that i liked what came those first few years with the title “pastor” in a big exciting church. you automatically get something that you don’t get when you are a lay person, even though honestly i had been doing many of the same things for years. i also saw a side to church leadership & politics that i am quite certain i would never put myself in a position to see again. but i think for me the far-more important piece of those couple of years was someone calling out the pastoral gift in me, seeing what i couldn’t see. i will always be extremely thankful for the opportunity to step into pastoral care in a more tangible and real way. at the same time, there are still times that i feel like a pastor-step-child when i am in certain pastor-y circles & they get to talking because i do not have a masters of divinity degree, i am not ordained by a specific denomination, and i don’t know greek. i think i am one of many who love being with people and are really good at it but might not have the proper “credentials” in certain eyes. unfortunately, credentials is what the system has perpetuated about “pastors.”
i think the misinterpretation and misapplication of what it means to pastor gets in the way of living out the biblical principle of the “priesthood of all believers” that resonates deep in the hearts of many but rarely has a place to be cultivated in a typical church setting.
i believe pastoring is a gift, not a title. many have come to believe that being a pastor means someone who 1) has gone to seminary; 2) “runs” churches; 3) preaches sermons; 4) marries and buries people. i really don’t think this was the biblical idea of the word poimen, which is synonymous with shepherding.
so here are some of my thoughts about pastoring. i know they will bug some people, that’s okay. for others, maybe some of these ideas will resonate. they’re just some things to ponder & i’d love to hear more from you.
- pastors are the people who are caring for, shepherding, loving, and journeying in close-relationship with people wherever they are, whether that be as part of church, at work, in their neighborhoods, etc. their focus is on relationship, relationship, relationship. years ago a young woman told me that the weekend communicator at the mega-church she was going to was a “really amazing pastor.” it was hard because i wanted to say back to her, “honey, he is not a pastor. yep, he’s an amazing speaker and teacher and extremely gifted CEO, but he will never, ever know your name, let alone your story… he will never counsel you or have you over for dinner, hold your babies or be with you when you or one of your family is sick in the hospital or going through a rough patch. he will never do anything that someone with a true pastor’s gift will naturally do.” yet, he will get all of the kudos and benefits of being a “pastor” without ever actually shepherding or being in pastoring relationships with people. i can’t tell you how many times i have heard from a variety of different churches that their senior pastor “isn’t really a people person.”
- to me, pastoring doesn’t require an education. sure, we can all learn new skills and strengthen our gifts, but i know many-a-pastor-in-the-truest-sense-of-the-word who has never taken a class at Bible college or seminary. again, we are mistaking a gift for a role or a job, a leader for a pastor. often people will ask me if they should get seminary training to learn how to become more pastoral. my response “um…well….in my opinion, the best education you can get is to start working the 12 steps for yourself and steep yourself in learning about codependence, boundaries, and spiritual and emotional healing individually and in groups. and yeah, that’s free!”
- we need to quit calling people who don’t like to be with people pastors because it is diminishing & unempowering the ones who do. it’s so funny to me how there are women in all kinds of churches who shepherd, love, and care for people and can’t ever be called “pastor” and yet i have seen men-who-can’t-stand-people-and-only-are-in-charge-of-networking-the-computers be called an “operations pastor.” it’s comical on one level, but on a whole other one, it’s not funny at all. my vote is to call preachers who never interact with a person in their congregation beyond the big-donors-they-golf-with “weekend communicators” or “executive directors” and reserve the word pastors for people who are providing spiritual and emotional care to people.
- most people’s true “pastors” aren’t the pastor of their church, they are close friends or people in community who care for them and love them. the person who you are going to call when you are hurting, who will be with you in the hospital when you are sick, who loves your babies and cares about their well-being beyond just words, who will provide prayer and spiritual and emotional support when you need it, that’s your pastor. i have a lot of amazing pastors in my life–some with pastor titles, some without–but they are all lovely naturally gifted people that do all of these things for me in different ways. i have one challenge for us this week–tell those people, whoever they are, that you consider them one of your pastors and are thankful for their love & care. it will encourage them–and maybe surprise them more than you might expect. i think that is a step in the right direction to re-claim the word far beyond official church leaders.
- i do believe there are all kinds of amazing pastors truly pastoring their churches. their gifts line up with their role and they love their people in amazing ways. i am privileged to know some of these pastors and see their heart for shepherding their communities. it doesn’t bother me a bit that they are called pastors; i honor their heart and commitment to live out what they are built to do. journeying with people is hard work, and i deeply respect those shepherds out there who are really shepherding.
- like the word “church”, i don’t know if we will never be able to fully redeem the word “pastor.” i think it might be too far gone. there’s too much baggage with it. the seminary system that cultivates people who have to get “paid pastor” jobs to pay their bills after all that debt perpetuates it. people confusing leadership & pastoring perpetuate it. people who don’t have anyone to fan their natural gifts into flame and validate them will stay underground thinking they might not have what it takes to contribute as much as they could. and so we’ll keep re-creating little systems where there is a separation between the “professionals” and the “not-so-professionals”, the “strong leaders” from the “real shepherds” and those who aren’t the pros or loud or leader-y enough will continue to feel inadequate or unprepared or un-infused with support to use their gifts. i recently told someone that the refuge is “full of pastors.” it is. there are so many mercy-people, shepherds, true lovers of people. they have no education or training or any of the put-together requirements we have placed upon the role. but they naturally pastor people, advocating, caring, and loving for others.
i am not calling for the abolishment of pastors. i believe it is a beautiful and lovely gift; one of the many beautiful and lovely gifts that it takes to make a body whole. i’m just calling for a re-thinking of the word so that its true meaning & purpose shines through instead of associating it with a whole bunch of things that have absolutely nothing to do with the heart and spirit of pastoring.
i also love what my kenyan friend said, “kenya doesn’t need more evangelists; it needs more pastors.” i have a funny feeling it’s the same thing here in the US and in all kinds of places across the world. we don’t need any more public speakers or incredible communicators or someone to tell us we need to become a Christian. instead, this world needs more people willing to truly journey with people of all shapes, sizes, religions, socioeconomics, and everything in between in the messy, ugly, beautiful places of their real story, real lives–to create little pockets of love and care wherever that might be. yep, this world needs more real pastors. and i actually think there are far more pastors/shepherds out there than we even know, they just need someone to validate their gift & infuse them with the courage to use it freely.
my hope is that if you are one of those people who is really a pastor but not a “pastor” (as in having that title bestowed upon you by some system) that you continue to boldly and freely use your gift. don’t let someone else define whether you are or aren’t. it’s a gift God has given you. please use it, use it, use it. the world needs you.
Read Morethe battle against the wolves
“i am i the middle of a forest. there are no paths. i have no companions. and i hear wolves.”
- angela, a pastor & aspiring actress in the film who does she think she is.
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we all know that the world “system” is slanted against women. the injustices are countless, horrific, sad, angering. and on the whole, despite the many strides that have been made in big & small ways, women continue to make less money, hold less power, and fill less leadership positions across most boards. we have a long way to go toward full equality for women. since starting this blog i have written about this issue many times; i know some people think i’m a little on the nutty side related to women’s equality but unless we loudly and respectfully keep calling out injustice and showing what we believe through tangible actions the system will not change. as christ-followers i believe that we are called to bring the kingdom to earth now & so we can’t just turn a blind eye to equality issues “because that’s the way it’s always been.”
for me, equality is more than just equality for women. it’s about diffusing the power structures that keep underrepresented people oppressed; it’s about replacing the ways of the world with the ways of the kingdom (even though “the church” sometimes seems to look even worse than the world when it comes to issues of discrimination, prejudice, and inequality), and it’s about humanity becoming more whole. it is such a travesty to me to think that in so many churches, 100% of the time people never hear from 50% of the population, that around the world horrific injustices are being committed against women & we stand by and watch. there’s so much wisdom & power & strength lost when half of our voices are silenced.
on sunday at our house we hosted a viewing of the documentary who does she think she is? i came across it last year and briefly mentioned it in this blog post by the same name. november 8th was a synchronized”house party” day and groups watch it together across the US. the movie is not for everyone; it’s definitely not a christian film & some of the stuff related to goddess art & history will make some feel uncomfortable but the overall premise & the powerful stories told are so worth learning from. it follows 5 women artists, each with different gifts and backgrounds spiritually, economically, etc. they share their stories of the obstacles they face to live out their art. some of their stories end more hopeful than others, but the overall gist of the film is to stir up just how difficult it is for women to pursue their passions.
i don’t think creativity is just a women’s issue; while the “system” is set up to favor men, i know many men who have the same obstacles to creativity and risk that women do. they are dreaming of new ventures, want to explore art or music or creative passions and hear a voice in their head that says “that’s not responsible…it’s frivolous…you’re not really good enough…who do you think you are anyway?“ i was so thankful that even though our discussion had way more women then men we did have a chunk of guys in the conversation. we really do need to listen & understand & learn from each other.
one thing i pointed out to our group and kept thinking of during the film was even if we are not a typical creative artist (as in photography, painting, music, etc.) all of us have an “art” waiting to come out of us. for me, although i like to write, my real “art” is people & cultivating healing community in some shape or form. and while i’ve always been in some form of healing/people/relational ministry over the years, it wasn’t until i stepped into the world of pastoring-on-a-church-staff that i realized that i really loved it, enough to dedicate my whole life to it. and the obstacles to doing it were great. i have 5 kids & a husband that was used to me staying home and sort of just dabbling in what i loved to do when it was convenient for everyone else, always remaining available to pick up the slack and make things happen at our house. when i first went to work full-time at a mega-church in 2004, it rocked the boat in a huge way. it wasn’t a pretty year at the escobar house, to say the least. a weird thing happened inside of me that year, though, that i really connected to as i watched the movie on sunday–i knew i had to do this. the passion, the stirring, the desire, the skills, the dreams were all deep inside of me and started to spill out, and i knew that if i tried to push them back in i would end up regretting it and resenting jose in all kinds of icky ways. so i did what i wasn’t really used to doing–i fought for it. i said to jose “i need you to do what i’ve done for you for the past 12 years; i need you to carry me the way i’ve carried you.” it didn’t come cheap or easy; he initially admitted that he kind of preferred it when i was a better cook, cleaner, keep-it-all-together-good-christian-woman. i can’t tell you the number of times i’d say “alright, i’ll just quit then” when really i knew in my heart that it was just because i was truly scared to step into it, to own it, to do it despite the obstacles. i am thankful because after 12 months of haggling & living in the tension of our disparity, something shifted and he apologized in a deep and powerful way and began to provide wind to my sails instead of being a big heavy anchor (his words, not mine). since then, we have learned what it means to do this crazy thing together and equally carry our family’s responsibilities together. we’re so much better for it–it really changed our lives spiritually & practically & in all kinds of other ways that i’m so grateful for. but, it is true: our house is definitely not as clean!
in the film, some women weren’t so fortunate. the toll that their passion took on their marriages was sometimes too great & 3 of the women featured got divorced. there are too many themes to flesh out from the movie in one easy blog-post, but here are a few thoughts that will linger:
women’s issues aren’t women’s issues; they are global issues. statistic after statistic show that when women do better personally, professionally, economically that men and children benefit, too. we need to recognize that when we empower women, we empower society. the contributions we make are significant if we have the chance to make them. one of the historians interviewed in the film says, “how a society organized the two half of humanity isn’t just a secondary issue. it affects all of us.”
children add an additional complication & we need to figure out ways to value mothering instead of penalizing women for it. there’s a piece in the movie that lists all the famous women artists, performers, writers, leaders, etc.–most names we recognize. not one of them had children. balancing kids with passion is a tricky, scary dance and we need way more role models on how to pull that off. all of the time i notice that in the world i live in many of the women who are strong spiritual leaders have grown children or no children at all; those of us with little ones (and lots of them) have a huge disadvantage of “no free time” and often not a lot of support. one of the women artists addressed what it feels like to have to stop working even when she’s in the middle of inspiration; she said, “if only i didn’t have to go home to the kids.” i have known that feeling & while i wouldn’t trade my kids for anything, i sometimes have to respect how difficult it is to constantly have to stop & start & work around & figure out-how-to-make-it-all-work-because-they-need-me-too.
we need mentors who say “don’t quit.” this is a huge issue for women trying to make strides in any area. we must have cheerleaders, supporters, encouragers, other men & women who will look us in the eye and remind us that this is work worth doing, that the passions that are inside us must be explored and to not quit. and even though i am in the thick of it myself, i want to dedicate myself to encouraging any other women who need it that they are not alone, to find courage, and to step out in powerful and creative ways to use their voices, whatever that looks like. don’t quit.
it’s going to be scary, period. there’s no way around the fear of rocking the boat, upsetting the apple cart, and standing up against a system that doesn’t quite know what to do with you. i was reminded in watching this film just how courageous it is to step into dreams & passion & try to pursue what’s burning in your heart despite obstacles. to keep going when the voices get so loud and tell you that you shouldn’t and can’t, that you are being selfish, that you are sure to fail. like so many issues of faith & life, there’s no easy way. i don’t think pursuing creativity & passion will ever come without great fear and obstacles.
the changes we make will pave the way for the next generations. sometimes i get so discouraged. the statistics shared in this movie are just another example of disparate systems that never seem to change, but the truth is that every step that we take on behalf of women & underrepresented friends now paves the way for those that come after us–not just here but around the world. if we don’t, if we give up and give in, if we lose courage & throw in the towel, these systems won’t change for our daughters & granddaughters. for other underrepresented friends who need us to grease some of the skids on their behalf, too. they need us.
i could go on and on but i’ll stop there. yes, i am sick of the wolves, the obstacles, all the ways that women have an uphill battle. but i am also so encouraged by the strong brave women i know who are leading, loving, creating, trying, stepping out, risking, and doing beautiful things–no matter how big or small. i love what one of the artist’s sons shared. he said, “my mom always told me ‘art is always a risk and sometimes it’s a risk you just have to take.’”
sometimes it’s a risk you just have to take.
as always, i’d love to know what this stirs up in you.
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ps: my friend jeff mcquilken wrote about some reflections on the movie, too. you can read it here.
Read Morewhy would i call a woman out of one oppressive relationship and into another?
i have been thinking a lot about the plight of the abused woman over the course of these past few months. i know so many women—in all shapes, sizes, religious experiences, socioeconomics, education, you-name-it—who have suffered abuse. not all of it is sexual or physical, although sadly there’s far too much of that going around. the thing that seems to rise to the surface over and over and over again, though, is emotional abuse. the pattern among women is more prevalent than any of us would like to think. smart, beautiful, strong-in-all-kinds-of-other-ways women who somehow have found themselves in relationships with men who control, berate, belittle, and slowly extinguish their hope, purpose, and passion. i am not saying there’s not any issues going on with the women; a big part of the healing process is for women to discover why they think that’s all they deserve, why they allow it, what paralyzes them, and gain the strength to make the shifts toward greater freedom and health. these shifts don’t always equal divorce; i have seen a few women do a 180 degree turn in terms of strength and courage and remain married, but i have also seen many other ones end up separated because their partners just weren’t willing to change and they knew if they stayed any longer their hearts would wither and die. they had the courage to trust God’s heart for them, to leave behind what was familiar (and sometimes safe and comfortable, in a twisted distorted way), to move toward something new.
i was not raised in the church; i was raised in a northern california culture that supported women’s freedoms and full equality in politics and work and life. but as i grew in my christian faith and adopted the ways of conservative christian culture, i ended up getting that spirit squeezed out of me for many years; and even though i’d be the little rebel who’d somehow stir the pot in some small way about the women’s issue, on the whole i would submit myself to systems that continually supported keeping women out of leadership, underneath men, in role after role after role where they would be used for what they had to offer but never, ever, given power or the kind of respect they had so clearly earned.
some of the feelings that perpetuate abusive relationships and keep women “in” unhealthy relationships are powerlessness, fear, and dependency. powerlessness. fear. dependency. when i recently read these words in a line up of abusive characteristics i was blind-sided by the how the church institution has also set up so many women to somehow feel powerless, afraid, and dependent. our heads rattle with irrational, powerless, dependent, scared thoughts like: “ the crumbs on the table are better than nothing at all”..“if i don’t tow the line, i’m going to mess up my chances to lead something in the future. something’s better than nothing.” …”there aren’t any other opportunities for me anywhere else so i guess i better just stay here and make the most of it.” “God must be using me here somehow, you know he really wants to teach us these kinds of lessons.”…”they must know what they’re doing, so i better just submit to their authority.” i am not saying there aren’t kernels of truth in any of these statements, but i am saying that i do not think that is God’s heart for his children.
i am tempted to generalize, but instead i will say that systems that don’t allow equal access for women probably have undercurrents of subtle emotional abuse that they themselves might not even be aware of. and the women (and other underrepresented groups who tend to be marginalized in some shape or form) who go there are so used to it that they don’t even think anything of it because it’s just the way it is. it feels normal. i was like that in a previous ministry job—i was just so happy to be invited to the table that it never occurred to me how truly disparate our pay was, how many side conversations were being had on the golf course where i was never invited, how subtly controlled i was, how much 100% of the power was held with a small group of men and my fate was completely in their hands. i had a good friend at the end of my time there who pointed out the emotionally abusive pattern to me, and my eyes began to open.
john 8:26 says “if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed.” free indeed. freedom to me means freedom. when i call a woman out of an abusive relationship, reminding her of her worth, her value, her dignity, her purpose, i would not under any circumstance, consider calling her into another “relationship” with a system that will put her beneath them. it’s bad for her soul.
the church—the beautiful, wild bride of Christ–should be a reflection of Jesus. and i don’t care how many scripture passages people want to try to use against me in this moment, i don’t believe that Jesus’ heart would be to call a woman out of one oppressive relationship and right into another. period. end of story. i know there are people out there who say “but my church doesn’t believe in women in leadership but they are not oppressive” and i will just say strongly back that i disagree. part of oppression is restrictive access. cutting off women’s voices, power, leadership, value and voice is restrictive access. it is oppression. and it is not reflective of the kingdom value of freedom & equality.
and in the spirit of social justice that is sweeping through many church systems at the moment, i wish we’d open our eyes to the injustice right here, underneath everyone’s noses, week after week after week after week. i am always reminded of martin luther king’s powerful words—“injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere”. i will not call a woman out of an oppressive relationship into another one; the problem i sometimes find is that i don’t have that many places in “the church” that she can actually go. that, my friends, is a travesty. the kingdom now. equality now. freedom now. i think that’s what Jesus was getting at. and i think lots more people would be drawn to Jesus if they didn’t have to get so tied up in the messed-up system that typically represents him.
no, i will not call a woman out of an oppressive relationship into another one. but i will call her into the glorious freedom that Christ brings, that she is valuable, beautiful, precious, worthy, free, strong, powerful and has no need—as a child of God—to enter into another relationship that won’t fully recognize it.
Read Moreresting in the trough
yesterday was the national day of prayer. i got invited to go to an event that a group of cool women i know were hosting to bless and pray for women who serve other women in denver. it was just one of those odd moments where i knew i needed to go. i rsvp’d and passed the info onto some friends but didn’t worry about coordinating who was doing what and where and how; i knew i just needed to get my butt down there on my own and get a little God infusion. ah, it was good for my soul in all kinds of ways. simple, sweet. powerful.
i knew when they opened with a beautiful quote by dorothy day i was in the right place! there was space to listen to God, lovely blessing, a reminder of the courageous women who have gone before us and have encouraged us on our journies, a powerful body prayer & time of receiving. the following poem was shared with a reflection at the beginning & the end. it is from a book that is next on my amazon list, leading from within: poetry that sustains the courage to lead by sam intrator & megan scribner. i thought i’d share it with all of you this bright, clear, friday.
i know some of you are tired & confused & disoriented. other are afraid. others need strength and courage to lead, to keep walking, to not give up, to try. and yet others feel lonely & desperate for God’s touch. ah, and some of us are all of those things at once and more! in the midst, i hope we can all somehow rest in the trough:
The Trough
by Judy Brown
There is a trough in waves,
a low spot
where horizon disappears
and only sky
and water
are our company.
And there we lose our way
unless
we rest, knowing the wave will bring us
to its crest again.
There we may drown
if we let fear
hold us in its grip and shake us
side to side,
and leave us flailing, torn, disoriented.
But if we rest there
in the trough,
in silence,
being in the low part of the wave,
keeping our energy and
noticing the shape of things,
the flow,
then time alone
will bring us to another
place
where we can see
horizon, see land again,
regain our sense
of where
we are,
and where we need to swim.
amen.
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