women in ministry
the catch-up list
wednesday my four youngest kids went back to school after a great winter break. yesterday i dropped my oldest son off at the airport and sent him back to college on the east coast. now it’s catch up time! i have all kinds of posts swirling around in my head and january is going to be wrap-up-what-i-started month. here are a few things i wanted to share before i dive back into real life next week:
- one word – i decided to participate in this for 2012. in the past i’ve had five and end up never remembering any of them! here’s a post i wrote for the refuge blog that has some ideas if you haven’t already thought of one yet. my 2012 word is: focus. oh yeah, that’s the right word.
- honoring doubt – my monthly contribution to sheloves magazine is on one of my favorite topics from down we go: honoring doubt. i hope we can keep creating safe spaces to honor doubt.
- when Jesus met mary: a sacred friendship gathering – i am very excited to be part of this gathering–when Jesus met mary: a conference exploring friendship between men & women–in april in chicago centered on sacred cross-gender friendships hosted by my friend dan brennan. all of the details are on the website. let me know if you can come be part of this brave & much-needed conversation.
- unladylike – my friend pam hogeweide’s book unladylike: resisting the injustice of inequality in the church is being released at the end of the is month by civitas press. you can preorder a copy now if you want. it rocks!
- and the resignation of eve – my other northwest friend jim henderson is always stirring up some great stuff for us to consider. his new book the resignation of eve: what if adam’s rib is no longer willing to be the church’s backbone is coming out soon, too. i’m very glad this critical topic is getting some traction.
- convergence – i couldn’t go last year because of a family trip but am planning on being there this year, march 2-4 in portland. this year’s theme is: staying power–presence & possibility as leaders. if you haven’t been before, it’s a really wonderful gathering of strong & passionate women.
- synchroblog – we are starting off 2012 with a new teammate & a survey to help gather ideas for the upcoming year. if you are a blogger and want to be challenged to write on a variety of topics at the same time as other bloggers, all are welcome.
- with communities - my awesome friend john martinez created a log-in-so-there’s-greater-safety-and-connection site for incarnational community cultivators who could use some support, input, encouragement, and connection with other people who believe that prepositions matter and are trying crazy stuff, too. check it out here.
- walking wounded: hope for those hurt by the church – my friend phyllis mathis & i are hosting a 4 week online group for those of you out there who are painfully disillusioned by a faith or church experience. our october 2011 gathering in denver was great for those who could pull it off, but this is a chance for others to participate, too. because of some schedule conflicts, the date got moved to february 6th 2012. go to live it to the full to register & for all the details. if you or someone you know could use some healing, hope, laughter, and intention on getting unstuck, we’d love to have you join us. this little video is sort of serious (i promise we’ll laugh and have fun, too) but gives an idea of what we are doing. thanks for passing it on to friends who want to save some money on therapy and get some traction on healing in this new year.
i hope your year is getting off to a good start. i am looking forward to what’s ahead! peace, kathy
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why sometimes i get sad
last month a mainline pastor from a small town outside of denver got in touch with me to see if i would be willing to come speak to their high school’s baccalaureate service in may. they were looking for a female pastor, someone who would inspire the kids & open up some doors that hadn’t been opened previously by some of the standard baccalaureate sermons/messages.
i really appreciated his enthusiasm & desire to press the envelope a little (and the date worked for jose & i to go together & have a fun night away afterward) so i said yes.
yesterday i got an email from him letting me know that unfortunately when the other pastors and leaders found out that a female pastor was speaking, they banded together to reject the idea. they said they couldn’t listen to someone they didn’t agree with and strong-armed a very conservative evangelical into the spot instead.
his email was so kind, and he was so sad that his hope got hijacked. he tried to fight the good fight and just couldn’t make it happen. i ended up talking to him on the phone just to make sure i was clear what he was really saying and didn’t misunderstand. i asked, “so, is it really just the woman pastor thing or is it about my beliefs or ?“ he said that the woman thing was definitely the main issue, the deal breaker, and anything that remotely is connected to the word “emerging” was just icing on the cake.
we had a nice conversation & i really felt bad for him, really. it’s a drag when you can see a different way & have hope for what could be and tradition & power sucks everyone back under.
for me, it’s now just one less thing to do in a busy month. but, it hurts. it just does. it’s hard to not have it hurt. one of the reason is it’s not one isolated incident. it comes upon a long string of these over the years that get really tiring and discouraging.
the system is broken, my friends. it truly is. it’s so easy for people to think that we’ve come a long way but everyone needs to know how far we still have to go.
the insidious-ness of gender inequality is ugly. and deep. in the big scheme, it has nothing to do with baccalaureate speakers. it has everything to do with power & oppression & stripping women of their dignity & silencing voices that were created by God to speak, to create, to dream, to inspire, to partner, to nurture, to build, to love freely.
so, that’s why i’m a little sad this week. a little beat-up, a little burned out. a little sick to my stomach.
and very grateful that i never, ever feel this in my community or in my marriage or with those on the fringes. i am so thankful. they help me hold on to hope. men & women alongside each other as equals is a beautiful thing.
Read Moredrinking the company kool-aid
over the past few years of blogging i have tried to learn which conversations to engage in, which ones to stay away from, which websites will make me angry and which ones will feed my soul & challenge me in my faith journey. on the whole, i try not to read a lot of mainstream christian stuff because it turns me into a nutty person. and once in a while i stumble upon something that i just can’t keep quiet about. that’s what happened this past week. i noticed a facebook post from jim henderson about a recent barna survey of christian women. he is writing a book about women & the church. when i read the stats i had to re-read them several times. were these really for real?
here are the results:
1. 84% say that their church’s perspective on women in ministry is almost identical, very similar, or somewhat similar to their own.
2. 83% say that their Senior Pastor is somewhat, highly or completely supportive of women leading in their church
3. 82% say they can tell by their church’s actions that the church values the leadership of women
4. 81% say that their church provides women with the same degree of leadership opportunities as Jesus would.
5. 72% say they possess a lot of spiritual freedom in their life
6. 70% say that the media has little influence on their decision-making
7. 71% say fear is not something they experience ever or often in their life
8. 62% say that ALL leadership roles are open to them in their church.
9. Only 1% say they often struggle with jealousy
10. Among those who feel they are capable of doing more to serve God, and should be doing more, only 4% say that their fear of failure is holding them back from doing more to serve God.
then yesterday my courageous friend & blogger pam hodgeweide wrote a piece in response that rocked the house called happy smiley christian women…really?? please go over to her blog and check it out.
there are so many times in my day-to-day life pastoring the refuge that i never even think about the whole women in ministry issue anymore. i am seeing what life is like for women to be fully equal with men in leadership, to share, to be friends, to be partners in ministry, to pastor freely. honestly, it has become so natural that unless i look out, i forget what a huge deal it is in the average christian church. how most women never have a chance to do what i do even though they have the gifts and desire. how 100% of the time most churches never hear from 50% of the population. how much beauty & talent & wisdom never makes it to the surface because of anatomy & a few scripture verses that get used to validate a whole system of oppression.
but there’s no question, once i look up and out at the reality of women in the typical evangelical-y church system i get really, really sad. and really, really mad. when i read these statistics i honestly thought it was a joke. they are not representative of the majority of women that i know and their experiences. but then i remembered that most of the women i hang out with on a regular basis are, on the whole, no longer drinking the christian company kool-aid.
what do i mean by the company kool-aid?
i mean the things that the system tell us to believe. the things that leaders engrain into the community’s culture. the things that are backed up with “we’re 100% certain this is what God meant.” the subtle and direct messages that “good christians believe this.” the herd mentality that is so strong in any homogenous culture–this is the direction everyone’s going so i better tow the line and walk this way, talk this way, too.
i know what the company kool-aid tastes like because i used to drink it. i used to think that whatever someone told me the Bible said was for sure the right interpretation. i used to assume that the leaders must know more than i do. i used to completely ignore my gut & my brain and just go along with the crowd because that’s what everyone else was doing. i used to be afraid to ask questions or say what i was really thinking & feeling for fear or rejection or judgment. i used to spend a lot of time faking it. i used to settle for the scraps because i thought that was all i was worth.
when you are drinking the company kool-aid it’s hard to see any other way. we stick with the norms and behaviors of the team and support them wholeheartedly. and let’s just be honest–the typical christian church is not teaching or modeling full equality for women. so, all these women know is what they are seeing & being taught. they think this is normal. i love what julie clawson said: “when you don’t see your cage as a prison, you come to love the cage.” i completely and totally relate to this statement. my views have shifted radically over the past years as my eyes & personal experience have been more opened to just how real and insidious gender inequality really is. when you stop drinking the company kool-aid and start listening to other stories and getting more in touch with your own, so many things that seemed “normal” begin to be completely ridiculous.
i am not going to pick apart these statistics one by one, but i’ll say this: look at #9 and #10 first. to me, that says it all. if only 1% are willing to admit that they often struggle with jealousy and only 4% say that fear of failure holds them back, something is seriously skewed about these results. and they are seriously hooked on the company kool-aid.
what’s most sad to me is that the company kool-aid is so inconsistent with the freedom that Jesus was supposed to bring. i just can’t for the life of me think that what we see in the Body of Christ when it comes to gender equality was what Jesus had in mind. it just feels radically different from the stories he told, the actions he modeled, the truths that he shared.
oh how i hope that more and more people stop drinking the kool-aid and start opening themselves up to some other possibilities. but i also respect that it is so hard to do “when everyone’s drinking it.” i think it’s a little like an alcoholic who starts to get sober. it’s so painful at the beginning, brutally hard to face reality and break out of denial. it’s lonely and scary. they often have to make a new circle of friends. but day-by-day they learn that there’s more and more life to be lived that they never knew existed when stuck in the addiction. recovering addicts are the bravest people i know. and recovering church addicts-who-stopped-drinking-the-company-kool-aid are in the same line when it comes to courage. it takes a lot of guts to give it up.
i’ll take the clean, refreshing, pure, simple, free living water Jesus brings over the company kool-aid any day. i wish that barna would re-do this study and interview some “sober” women and see what they found.
i‘d really love to hear some of your thoughts on these statistics, some of your experience with drinking the company kool-aid, and what your journey’s been like when you started to get “sober.”
ps: there are some really good comments over at the off the map post where jim originally posted these stats.
ppss: i wanted to share a new addition to reflection on these stats from sonja andrews–shiny happy women. her reflections are very powerful. another great piece is from my friend erin word called the evil of being female? or why owning breasts should fall under the ‘christian disabilities act‘ (best title ever!)
Read Moreactually, the grass is greener
i wrote this post last week but in all of the hubub of jose & i’s crazy trip to kuwait & bahrain never posted it. sometimes that happens–the moment comes and goes and now as i go to hit “publish” i wonder if i should. but after my quick trip to the middle east i was reminded yet again of how important freedom is. following Jesus was originally about setting people free–like really free. freedom is really, really pretty. and far too rare. let’s change that.
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four years ago, when i was up to my eyeballs in a messy exit from mega-church staff, someone i worked with “went off” on me when it was clear that i was no longer willing to submit to the unhealthy system i was a part of. he was yelling at me, pointing his finger saying “just so you know, the grass is NOT greener outside of here when it comes to women. you will never find a place that will value your voice like we do (that was after a decision was made that somehow biblically it was okay for me to teach to the male addicts & outcasts in the recovery ministry, but maybe just not to men who came on sundays). if you leave, you can kiss all of this goodbye because no one will treat you as good as we will as a woman in ministry.” while i appreciate that it was a tense and crazy moment for all of us & none of us should be held to the nutty things we did and said during those months, i had a friend who was there and reminded me of the abusive, controlling nature of those words. and it’s true; these words did spark fear, confusion, doubt, and intense insecurity. they made me question “what if he’s right, what if this is as good as it gets and i leave it behind and end up with nothing. maybe i should just be thankful.” i kept thinking “maybe this is normal and i just need to accept it.”
controlling relationships keep people in fear, confusion, and doubt. they oppress personal power and make people feel insecure. they control by manipulating people’s emotions. they have this funny way of sometimes making people feel valuable on one hand and then treat them in ways that are completely invalidating and contrary to the words that are being said.
i think that “the church” can be very abusive. it is a powerful system that can intentionally & also uninintentionally hook people in and make them feel stuck, disempowered, and insecure.
Jesus came to set people free not to keep them stuck in abusive relationships that rob them of personal dignity and hope.
the church, in my opinion, should be one of the most free, generous, open, inviting, empowering, supporting, encouraging, challenging, strengthening places on earth. it should hold people loosely and allow them to freely choose if they want to be part or not. it should inspire a culture of security and trust. it should respect people’s individual power and dignity and help foster it for the greater good of all, not just for the church’s own needs. it should be a training ground for practicing equality, peace, diversity, and the ways of love.
to be honest, i had forgotten the words that were said to me over 4 years ago about the brown grass i was about to step on back then. the more i focus on the future, the less i need to look back. however, my friend reminded me this past weekend after i spoke at transFORM of that horrible moment and how not true my co-worker’s prophecy turned out to be. yeah, thinking about these words again was a gift because it made me realize how far i’ve come in the past 4 years after entering into the wild unknown of not being “underneath” a patriarchal system anymore.
and i have discovered that for me, yes, actually, the grass is greener:
i can use my voice however i choose and don’t have to worry about someone silencing it or telling me that i need to say this or that instead.
i am connecting with a far wider conversation than i ever would have been connected to if i was stuck in the grind of a system that was focused on feeding itself and not the wider networks.
i have discovered that i’ve learned far more about my faith, about the kingdom of God, about people, about myself, as part of the “losing” team than i ever did when i was on the “winning” one.
i now have seen and tasted and experience gender-equality-in-the-church up close and personal and it’s oh so beautiful.
i no longer have to have ad nauseum conversations about “those messy broken people” and how to get them healed up and serving properly.
i work alongside true friends-and-family-sans-blood who aren’t here for the job or the money or the power or the perks (um, because there aren’t any). they are here because they are learning how to love and be loved just like i am.
i feel safe. not comfortable, but safe. protected. honored. treasured. valued.
best of all, i am free.
free to use my voice. free to use my leadership. free to be me. free to let others be them.
if any of you out there are stuck in an abusive system doubting that grass is greener, i can’t make any promises, but i can remind you of this: you are supposed to be free. not stuck in fear. not silenced. not excluded. not laced with insecurity and self-doubt. no, you are supposed to be nurtured and filled with God’s freedom & hope & purpose. some how, some way, i believe that’s possible. you might have to look outside of “the system”. you might find it in places that don’t identify with faith. you might have to intentionally look in really odd, weird places in order to find it. but please don’t think that you have to stay stuck where you are because it’s the only green you’re going to find.
yeah, for me, the grass out here is definitely greener.
thank you, God, for freedom. please, keep setting more and more of your people free to jump the fence, to graze, to roam and find all kinds of greener grass.
Read Morethe order of the brokenhearted
even though i posted a few days early for international women’s day with the power of being wanted, i want to remind everyone that today, march 8th, is officially it so i hope that each of us take some time today to consider our contributions to the advancement of women in today’s world. i love what mother teresa says “if you can’t feed 100 people, just feed one.” if you can’t help 100 women, just help one. maybe this is by using your power in some small way today on behalf of another woman at work, at school, at home, in some other avenue. maybe it’s by sending money that supports a woman’s empowerment and economic freedom. maybe it’s making a phone call or sending an email that reminds some women in your life of their worth & value. maybe it’s by you as a woman standing a little taller today, stepping into your dignity and worth instead of letting the voices that try to pull you down get the best of you.
i encourage each of you to take just a few minutes and read this powerful declaration of sentiments written by elizabeth cady stanton, a leader in the women’s suffrage movement, 1848 at seneca falls. i read through it last night & was deeply struck by how far it appears we have come but how far we still have to go. i think i’m going to read it as a spiritual discipline every international women’s day (thanks, jessica. please, everyone, read my dear friend jessica roye’s powerful post called the past and future of things. she is in the trenches on the streets of portland co-pastoring home-pdx & is seriously amazing.
i just got back from a lovely convergence weekend up in portland with an amazing group of wise & powerful & courageous women leading & living in all kinds of shapes and forms. i am struck by the need, more than ever, to continue to provide places of encouragement & support so that women’s influence can continue to touch this broken, disconnected world, this broken, disconnected church.
i shared this poem that was written by my blog friend j.ted voigt in his book pages called holy. i highly recommend getting a copy of it as it is packed with beauty & hope for the kingdom. i was privileged to write an endorsement on the back cover, and one of my all-time favorite church-related poems–springtime for a church–was inspired by a post i wrote early on at the carnival called a community where men cry. anyway, i thought in honor of international women’s day i’d share it here, too.
i hope that men & women everywhere join this order of the brokenhearted. that we listen & notice & strain to see what women & the oppressed & marginalized are experiencing. that our hearts break over it. and that we boldly listen to the Spirit’s prompting on what it means for us individually & as communities that care beyond just words.
ORDER OF THE BROKEN HEARTED
We are Holy Order
of the brokenhearted
unreasonably in love
with sinners
nauseated by the though tof sin
hopeful-ly in love with the poor
counting ourselves among them
we strive to help even when we can’t help
as we lack visible, tangible, credible resources
we meet violence with peace
knowing this is
sometimes
how martyrs are made.
Our call to holiness
is a call to broken heartedness
The One who calls us
is The One who heals us
our creed is The Spirit
The Spirit is our only hope
and we are a hopeful
joyful
brokenhearted
brethren
- J. Ted Voigt
i’d love to hear what this stirs up in you.
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a few other links in honor of international women’s day i’d like to point you to, there are so many out there but these are just a few in my inbox this morning:
- jeff mcquilken wrote the voice of the woman. thanks for giving voice to this.
- julie clawson’s international women’s day
- minnowspeaks powerful & honest post two daughters
- my dear friend elaine hamilton is in this week’s recycle your faith video–embracing the mess. she cornered me in the bathroom at a church in san diego and invited me to this group 16 years ago. it changed my life forever & started me on the path toward healing & hope in my relationship with God, myself, and pretty much everyone important to me. safe community is beautiful, empowering thing not just for women but for men, too. we need more places like this.
- and if you haven’t already heard about compathos, please check out the site. my friend cynthia la-grou started it along with a few others & their work is incredible. they are an amazing network dedicated to raising awareness of innovative, collaborative, restorative projects around the world on behalf of social justice issues. check out this piece called women who dare.
the power of being wanted
this monday march 8th is international women’s day. i’ve written a post in honor of it the past 2 years (you can read them here & here) & really wanted to write one this year, too. there’s something powerful about a bunch of people thinking, talking, sharing, listening, learning, about the same topic at the same time. i am not aware of a synchroblog this year, but i might have just been out of the loop & am going to be out of town for the next few days, so thought i’d post today anyway. it’s interesting, too, how this post has evolved. it’s been all over the place, and i am sure that i will share some of the other ideas that floated across my mind in the future but it ended up much more personal than i had expected after an odd but good experience i had yesterday that is so connected to this whole thought of women & the church & the world.
i was at a lovely gathering with some friends who do some great work here in denver on behalf of the poor & oppressed. they are good & kind to me in all kinds of ways. but i was the only woman there. this is not an uncommon feeling to me and in the past i used to take it as a point of pride. now, i see it as a sign that something is wrong. there’s something broken in the system somehow. this group of people are some of the dearest ever, but i realized as the post-group conversation continued that i felt like crying. as i looked around the room i noticed that every single one of those guys had been “wanted” by their organization. recruited, nurtured, included. and how i longed to have that same feeling. sure, i am invited into these meetings because i’m in the trenches with people in hard places and they like me, but i think i have always felt left out because i’ve never been really truly asked to be part of the ongoing work that they are doing. this has absolutely nothing to do with them; there’s no “job” for me there anyway, but i noticed that there was something way bigger going on inside of me that was completely unrelated to this conversation with them.
it is a really cruddy feeling to not be wanted.
and as a woman in christian ministry it is a familiar feeling. i remember how empowering it was 7+ years ago when i first got the call that said “we want you to come and be part of this staff , we need you.” i felt wanted. included. recruited, invited. and when that all went awry and i basically “exited’ that world i know what it feels like to not feel “wanted” anymore.
yes, my community wants me. yes, my friends across all shapes & sizes & beliefs want me. yes, you lovely and faithful readers at least appear to want me. yes, God wants me. yes, once in a while i get a gig or an opportunity that makes me feel a little-extra-wanted.
but on the whole, in the wider system, in the great big christian “church in the sky”, i don’t feel wanted.
how could i? how could so many other women?
there’s a strong and powerful undercurrent in the patriarchical, hierarchical systems that have permeated the church that says to women “we don’t really want you.” well, actually we do, but we want you “if you will play by our power rules” or to “do the grunt work that needs to get done, take care of the kids & keep the world spinning round at church & at home.” but we don’t really want all of you–your powerful, creative, beautiful gifts & powerful, wise, nurturing voice side-by-side us as equals together.
yes, people can start throwing out scripture verses about now about equal in value & different in roles. i am not here to argue this with anyone. we can kindly agree to disagree.
but i feel very confident about this: there are a bunch, and i do mean a bunch, of women who feel unwanted in the place that they should feel the most loved, most valued, most treasured, most encouraged, most free–the wild & beautiful body of Christ. this goes across giftedness, passions, strength, loudness, leadership-ness, etc. in typical christian systems, women have been stripped of much of their value beyond what is useful to the system–which tends to be controlled by men. and i know why they stay; because crumbs from the table are better than no food at all.
yesterday i was struck with that feeling of just feeling hungry.
and tired. on behalf of myself. and behalf of all of the women that i would love to see nurtured, invited, encouraged, recruited, valued, and truly set free.
and of course this stretches far beyond the reach of just the church. we all know that there are millions upon millions of women who are unwanted around the world and in the cities we live in. beautiful daughters of God who are mistreated, unvalued, stripped of their dignity & painfully used as a regular part of their experience here on earth.
so it’s quite easy to say “well, look at how good you have it, be thankful, you could be born in afghanistan or iran or a whole lot worse situations than this.” of that, i have no doubt. trust me, i am thankful beyond measure for my life, my community, my freedom to live out what i believe. but at the same time, i absolutely believe that my freedom & their freedom & your freedom is completely and utterly intertwined. when we are in bondage, they are in bondage. when we are unwanted, they are even more unwanted. when we are more free, they have a chance to be more free. i can’t get away from the harsh reality that the typical christian system keeps the poor, the marginalized, the underrepresented trapped & silenced in all kinds of painful ways.
maybe this is why the women in the gospels were so radically connected to Jesus; they knew the system was brutally bent against them & that somehow, some way, the power of his message set them free. they felt wanted.
and yes i do feel wanted by Jesus. i just sometimes don’t feel wanted by the reflection of his body here on earth. i heard his powerful presence in the car yesterday, in a deep place in my heart: “i never, ever, ever, feed you the crumbs….and kathy, never, ever, ever feed someone else them either.” i know for me this means to do whatever i can, in my own limited ways, to invite fully my brothers & sisters to the table in all their strength, in all their weakness, in all their power & all their lack thereof, in all their beauty, in all their ugliness. to make room. to help others feel wanted.
yet wanting people doesn’t mean saying it is enough. it means actually doing the hard work of creating the space and inviting those who have never had a space at the table, restoring dignity & hope, learning about how deeply engrained these power differentials are, fanning into flame intentional ways of bringing forth what’s been silenced, to begin to respect how without each other we can’t possibly reflect the kingdom of God.
and, most importantly, embracing that the women around the world & in our cities & neighborhoods & families can’t be free when we’re not free & we can’t be free when they’re not free.
i am so grateful for the freedom i have experienced over the past few years & will do what i can to pass it on. at the same time, yesterday i was struck yet again with the magnitude of the problem far beyond just women in leadership–that’s just one small symptom of a much bigger problem: the pervasiveness that years upon years of inequality & oppression & not-being-truly-wanted-and-valued has created for women across all shapes & sizes & walks of life and experiences.
anyway, i think i’m becoming a liberation theologian in all kinds of ways. and as we celebrate international women’s day as a world, my hope is that the church, the reflection of Jesus Christ–what’s supposed to be the most inclusive, valuing, free-ing force on this earth–would pave the way for setting women free and demonstrate with actions that we are wanted.
what do you think?
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ps: i have a guest post up at the evolving church conference blog. it’s in toronto april 10th. i can’t go, but i am sure it’s going to be a great convo. the theme is the kingdom economy. the post i wrote is called new wineskins for new wine. comments are always appreciated & help others learn and think and consider beyond just what was originally written.
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