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Posted on Mar 8, 2013 in dreams, equality, women in ministry | 13 comments

10 reasons i am an advocate for women’s equality.

international womens day

today is international women’s day.  instead of writing the same thing with a different twist, i decided to just re-post what i wrote last year as a reminder to me, and maybe to some of you.  when we are trying to shift tides & change deeply grooved systems of inequality & injustice, we won’t be able to just say it once or twice. we will have to keep using our voice & hands & feet & hearts and play our part in change over the long haul.  i’m so thankful for the women & men who’ve gone before us, who were considered heretical & annoying but just wouldn’t stop because they knew there was a better way.  and i’m also grateful for so many of you, for your passion & willingness & courage to keep forging forward now.  it not only makes a difference today but it paves the way for those who are coming behind us, too.

here’s why i’m pro-woman, pro-equality, pro-liberation-of-half-the-population:

1. i think Jesus was.  every interaction Jesus had with women was to set them free and lift their burdens of bondage.  and he said we were supposed to be like him.  i don’t know why the church built on his name has done the exact opposite; it still baffles me.

2. women’s wisdom will make the world better.   it’s said that the same way of thinking  that got us into our problems can’t get us out.  it’s time for some new minds & hearts to get in the mix so that more creative, peaceful, collaborative solutions can be considered in our families, cities, churches, ministries, and organizations.

3. it’s good for men, too.  i don’t want things to shift to women on top & men beneath them, either.  i’m pro-equality.  our freedom is tied up together. when we learn how to be equals, alongside one another as partners, brothers & sisters, teammates, and friends, it reflects God’s image in all kinds of beautiful ways.

4.  the church should be the leader of restoring dignity and equality, instead of dragging along behind.  so i may not be able to change the whole big church but i can play my part in cultivating equality & freedom in our little one.

5. others need us to fight for their freedom.  many can’t fight.  we have liberties others don’t.  our freedom is all tangled up together.  if we stay stuck, others stay stuck. if we get free, we can participate in setting others free, too.

6.  i have to look in my daughter’s eyes.  i have a responsibility to do whatever i can to make sure she has every opportunity she deserves inside & outside of the church.  i can’t tolerate someone telling her she is less because of her gender.

7.  i have to look in my 4 son’s eyes.  they deserve equal partners who will show up, and participate in relationship instead of remain silenced and diminished.  they also deserve to be set free of the bondage of male stereotypes that limit and damage.

7.  yeah, the next generation needs us.  we can’t leave them hanging.  we have to keep paving the way, like the brave men & women before us, to make their path less & less bumpy.

8.  when we are silent, we stand on the side of the oppressor. it’s easier to play nice. it’s easier to follow the status quo.  it’s easier to stick with the crowd and keep supporting churches & the media & systems that strip dignity and freedom.  but when we do, we condone inequality and align with oppression.

9.  we must be the change we want to see.   i can’t sit around waiting for the church to change.  the kingdom isn’t going to drop out of the sky.  God uses people to change the world.

10.  freedom isn’t just a bigger cage.  liberation means full freedom in Christ, not just lesser-oppression.

my hope & prayer is that we keep learning what it means to not live under or over others; that keeps us stuck & separated & oppressed. real equality is learning to live alongside each other as human beings made in the image of God, with equal worth & freedom & voice & responsibility & possibility.

happy international women’s day!  here’s to women around the world stepping into who they were meant to be.  here’s to men around the world working to create equality. oh, the beauty that can come if we learn what it means to be together as equals, as friends, as lovers, as co-laborers, as co-creators.

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Posted on Jan 22, 2013 in crazy making, equality, injustice, leadership, women in ministry | 34 comments

“i just feel like i’m one of the guys” and other subtleties working against equality

blog i'm just one of the guys

last week i read a post on a friend’s facebook page about the emergence christianity gathering in memphis. i wasn’t there so i can’t speak into anything that happened there, but she made an interesting observation that caught my eye.  when addressed with a question about gender inequality in emergence christianity, several of the female speakers responded with “well, i don’t feel unequal, i feel like i’m just one of the guys.”

i know some women who have made it very far in their craft and passion and are sought after as female speakers and leaders in certain circles. i have deep respect for how far they have come and love that their voice is being heard.

but this kind of statement makes me feel really sad because it tells a story that reflects reality for so many–the guys have the power and for the women to play they must learn how to blend into them.

it also reflects that when women have “made it” they sometimes forget there are a lot of others who haven’t.  and really won’t unless there is deep healing in the roots of many of our systems and structures.

i know how to hang with the guys and have said the exact same statement before. i have been on many teams over time where i am the only woman, far before i was involved in christian ministry. when i graduated from college i was an engineer for the phone company as part of a management fast-track (yes, imagine me, the one who never had a math class in college or graduate school trying to design engineering plans for phone cables in new neighborhoods & buildings). i was the only woman on a team of good old phone company boys, and they treated me so well and i did feel part in a lot of ways. but i was kind of like their daughter, not their equal.  later, after i had kids & got more involved as a lay leader at several churches, i intersected all the time with the guys. and as much as they wanted what i had to bring, they were the ones who controlled the table; no women were part of the real inner circle. years later, when i finally made it to senior leadership in a big church and ended up being the only female pastor on a team of men, i learned how to be more comfortable in my own skin with them.

but the reality was that to play, i’d have to adjust to them, pick up on their cues, listen to their jokes, blend into their culture.

yeah, i am more clear than ever that i don’t want to “just feel like one of the guys.”

i want to feel connected fully & freely as people trying to work together, dream together, collaborate together, live together, learn together, love together, as equals and as friends.

i know so many guys are working so hard at creating greater inclusivity when it comes to gender & race & sexuality & a whole bunch of other things. i am grateful, and i know it’s so easy to have white men in a double bind; no matter what they do it’s not good enough.  and i know so many women are doing the best to step up to the plate and can’t be held to every word they share or don’t share.

but part of our responsibility is to never dismiss gender inequality (or any other kind) for others.  even if it’s not an issue for some, it is an incredibly painful and real issue for countless others. being dismissive about it and saying “well, i just don’t feel it” is a way of making it seem like it doesn’t exist.

and it does.

but it’s easier to pretend it doesn’t and that we’ve come further than we really have and play with people who won’t rock the boat too much.

what it often boils down is power continuing to attract the same kind of power with a different twist of a few strong women who know how to be “one of the guys.”

i think our best hope is to be brave enough to create completely new wineskins.

we keep trying to pour new wine into old wineskins and that’s why it all tastes so bad.

instead, we need flatter structures, shared leadership, teams of equals–men & women & black & white & rich & poor & gay & straight & liberal & conservative & married & single & educated & uneducated & extroverts & introverts–around bigger tables, in living rooms & coffee shops (instead of golf courses & seminaries), who are planning events, cultivating communities, and leading initiatives together side-by-side in all kinds of creative ways.

we need to throw away the old template of a bunch of guys with power inviting a select few into their select group to maintain their select culture and start creating a new story together.

a story of innovation, where we don’t rely on the way it’s always been and start making something new.

a story of equality, where we learn how to be together as friends and partners and teammates, not commodities.

a story of healing, where we are actively restoring the brokenness so many have as it relates to being included & valued.

a story of dignity, where we are participating in stepping into the full image of God in us and calling it out in others.

a story of humility, where our goals aren’t centered on money or success in the world’s eyes but on caring for others, relationships, and fanning others freedom into flame.

a story of justice, where we bring a little taste of heaven to earth, here, now.

please, let’s stop saying “we let women lead” and “i just feel like one of the guys” and start living out a new story, together.

it’s time.

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Posted on Jan 7, 2013 in equality, ex good christian women, injustice, women in ministry | 35 comments

“you’re a pretty good speaker for a woman” and other wacky memories

no one can make you feel inferior without your consent

(but they can sure try!)

a weird thing happened to me a few weeks ago. i was at the twins’ basketball game on a snowy december night, sitting by myself, when a vivid memory swooped in out of the blue from 7 years before.  it was when i was still on big-church-staff and we hosted a special winter event where several of us shared dreams for our different ministries to gain financial support for the church.  right afterward, an elder came up to me and said “wow, you’re a pretty good speaker for a woman.”

“you’re a pretty good speaker for a woman.”

at that point i had been been getting stronger as a leader & came back with at least a halfway decent response (although i’d have a way better one now!).  i asked, “um,  is that a backhanded compliment?”  he just chuckled, and there was an awkward silence before we both went our separate ways to get some more hors’oeuvres.

he is not a bad guy.  i do think he was being sincere.  in his mind he was going out of his way to say something nice to me.  my guess is he really had no idea it was insulting.

i don’t know why this memory suddenly came back to me but it sparked me remembering other things people have said to me over the years as a woman in the church. it might be easy to dismiss some of them as not that big of a deal. i know many of you have far worse ones than these, but i felt like sharing them today because they tell a story & paint a picture.

they highlight the realities of how being a woman in the evangelical church is a little like always swimming upstream.  that the subtle & direct slant against equality takes its toll. i understand why so many women have tired of the journey and left to find freedom & their voice outside of the system.

i am hoping that we can learn a better way so in the years to come our daughters don’t have to hear these kinds of things that have been said to me:

“women aren’t supposed to lead men” – my first real pastor, when jose & i were newly married and he was in the navy. our pastor found out that women had been leading a weekly Bible study for military friends at our house and called me into his office, saying “i know you are new to the faith, so you might not know this, but it’s not biblical for you ladies to be leading.  you can lead each other, but you can’t lead men.”

“men need to feel like men and they can’t if women are always leading” – one of the leaders at a former church when talking about the small group ministry. every person–male or female–had the opportunity to lead and step into the role, but the women seemed to be ones who made things go.

“we’re just not ready for a woman teaching from the front” – the all-male senior leadership staff, after i spoke at a different former church and they received inquiries about their “position on women in leadership.”  they decided that speaking from the front at “real church” was theologically different from preaching regularly at the church service for the recovery ministry even though there were a whole lot of men there.  oh, but they were addicts. and it’s still not the right time.

“lifeway won’t sell your book because you are a female lead pastor”  - my publisher at the time, after getting news the #1 christian bookseller turned back their big book order of refresh when they discovered i was a female lead pastor. i was walking the floor at the international christian retailers conference in atlanta getting ready for our book signing and will never forget the shame i felt in that moment.  the publishers knew i pastored the refuge but underestimated the impact it would have with their primary distributor. the irony: the material was written exclusively for women.  if i was an associate pastor or “under a man”, it would have been fine.

“it’s great that your husband is a pastor and you get to do these kinds of things with him” - a man, after i spoke at a christmas banquet, assuming that jose was the pastor of our church because we were there together.  i was like “um, actually, jose’s not a pastor. i co-pastor the refuge with my friend karl.”  he gave me a blank look and went to refill his drink.

“sorry, but when they heard a woman was speaking, a group of conservative pastors banded together and showed up at the meeting to vote against it.”  - my friend, after having to disinvite me from speaking at a public school’s baccalaureate.

oh, there are many more but that’s enough for now!  the reason i share these is not to slam others but to highlight that gender inequality in the church is real.  

these subtle & direct assumptions about women are deeply grooved into our culture and it will take a lot of intention to shift the tide.

my hope is that men & women alike will support and encourage women to keep moving forward despite these obstacles in whatever ways God is calling them.  this isn’t just so women can lead but so that the church of Jesus Christ–the place that should be the free-est & most equal & bravest in town–can step more fully into all it is meant to be.

as we move forward, i’d love for a whole new generation of women to hear more comments like:

“it’s beautiful to hear your voice”

“you were meant for this”

“we need you”

“we will gladly stand for what is right and take the hit against the nay-sayers on your behalf”

“God created you for this”

“step into your passion”

“we are sorry for the past but we are committed to carving a new future..together.”

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Posted on Oct 24, 2012 in equality, ex good christian women, injustice, the refuge, women in ministry | 30 comments

the problem of patriarchy & living the solution.

theologycamp-logo* thank you, dear friends, for the love & support & encouragement for the refuge in all kinds of different ways. i struggled with writing that post & of course as soon as i hit publish i had blogger’s remorse. but i knew i needed to and i’m glad i did.  i am always reminded of how much i have to learn. i guess this is how we learn it–by practicing. so while i have felt raw & weird, i also feel grateful for God’s faithfulness to me, to the refuge & for lovely relationships near and far, in real life and on computer screens.  i’m so in a fog and had hoped to get some interviews up, but these thoughts below came tumbling out after our theology camp so i wanted to share it while it’s fresh.  i will get those “what it’s like’s” up soon, i promise! 

* * * * *

this past friday night the refuge hosted our first “theology camp”, 3 hours of bible & head & heart & how to put into action some of what was stirred up. for this first one we decided to just jump right into the deep end with the topic “the problem of patriarchy.”  it was inspired by pam hogeweide and was a great follow up to her visit in may where she shared from her book “unladylike: resisting the injustice of inequality in the church”  it was so pretty, with powerful reflective stations, and  the women who spoke were brilliant seminarians & theologians who helped us look at the old & new testament and some of the problematic passages through new eyes.

we need to remember that patriarchy is not about women in leadership in churches.  it is about a deeply grooved pattern of male-dominated leadership that damages women (and men, too, although sometimes that’s not as easy to see).  it is strongly embedded into our culture whether we acknowledge it or not.  in christian culture, it is even stronger.  in some other cultures around the world, it is not just strong, it is life-threatening.

the reason why i’m a nut case to break down systems of patriarchy is not so that women can be pastors or leaders in churches. that  is such a small sliver in all of this.  it is because as Christ-followers we should be paving the way for liberation and freedom for all people.

what we embody and reflect matters.

a lot of us have been blinded to the ravages of patriarchy and accepted them as “the way things are” because we haven’t had any other good models for something different. others of us have been under teachings that have embedded in our souls (maybe more from culture than anything) the idea that God set things up so that men would be over women.  and for others of us we are hoping to make it through the day and conversations about changing deeply grooved systems of injustice just feel plain overwhelming right now and you wonder why you’re reading this.

no matter where we are each at, i think we can participate in becoming solutions to the problem, but a big part of the solution is becoming more honest about the problem itself.

rachel held evans does the best job i can think of in terms of really breaking down some of these issues on her blog, so i’d just say go there if you want more in-depth biblical exploration of this topic.  in practical terms, here are some simple reasons why patriarchy is wrong, just plain wrong, in the kingdom of God:

1. it is based on power.  the root of all evil is not money, it’s power.  patriarchy misuses power to control people.  in the kingdom of God, we are taught that power is meant to be given away, to be shared with the least & the last, to be used to liberate and love others.

2. it is based on fear.  it is crazy, really, the lengths that many will go to hold on to power and control. when it comes to the church,i always wonder what would happen if all of the male leaders who were so scared their followers would “slip down the slope” if they let women lead suspended that for a decade and let the holy spirit loose.  it’s guaranteed the world would be a different place!

3. it’s based on injustice.  we have got to be honest that we have built so much of this mess on cultural, limited & damaging biblical interpretation.  this lens of patriarchal exegesis is so strong because for generations our scholars, leaders, pastors, teachers, translators, you-name-it-in-shaping-history-and-culture have only been men.  this tilt matters and skews more than we even realize.

4. it’s so subtle that we often dismiss its damage.  this part makes me the most sad.  we’re so used to it that we often don’t even think anything’s wrong with it so we settle for crumbs, shut down parts of us, and perpetuate the status quo without even thinking about it.  and because we’re blinded, it’s hard to fully grasp the reality of ravaging injustices other places and how they are all rooted in patriarchy!  men are damaged, too, missing out on the beauty & value of strong equal free partners, friends, and co-laborers and stuck in a system that dishonors the image of God in them in a different way.

5. it blatantly dismisses the work of Jesus.  if Jesus came to set people free, why in the world would half of the population still be underneath the other? didn’t he proclaim the kingdom of heaven was possible here on earth? that through him, all things would be made new, and our original identity before the fall could be restored & renewed over and over again?

#5 changed the course of everything for me.

i know there are many others, but those are a few off the top of my head today.  at the event one of my awesome friends from denver asked how he could confess the ways he had contributed to patriarchy in his family of origin. i told him i thought the best confession was a life lived differently.

as i said it, i realized that’s for all of us, men & women alike.

the best way i can confess the ways i have let patriarchy rob me is to continue to live from a new place.

i wonder if that’s the greatest gift we as men & women can give to the world to pave a better road for the next generation–a confessional life that says “no more, i am sorry for the ways i have followed the rules of patriarchy instead of the ways of Jesus.  God, i repent, and choose to turn away from the old and turn (again & again & again) toward a new life of Christ’s liberation, hope, justice, mercy, and equality.”

yeah, the solution starts with us and not only acknowledging patriarchy’s curse built on power, fear, injustice, apathy, and a hijacked version of the gospel–but also becoming willing-and-brave participants in living the solution.

 

 

 

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Posted on Sep 10, 2012 in equality, injustice, women in ministry | 45 comments

“we let women lead…”

blog we let women leadi had to squeeze this post in while it was fresh in my mind, and it just might be my shortest blog post ever, yeah!

on friday night at the voca femina denver share party (glorious!) i was talking to a wise and lovely friend who reminded me of something i also absolutely can’t stand when it comes to the conversation about women and church–when men (and women, too) say “well, we let women lead…”

“we let women…”

i’m sure many of you have heard–or said–some variation of this (i have said and heard both in all kinds of shapes & forms over the years): “we let women lead”,  ”they let me lead”, “it’s so great that my church lets women lead.” “our church let a woman speak this weekend, isn’t that cool?” 

i completely get the victory that happens when women are somehow freed, and that always makes me happy.

but these statements also make me cringe.

like really cringe.

and unfortunately they are so common that we accept them as progress, as something good.

but when people say it like this, it is revealing to what is going on underneath–and the telling assumptions that exist.

it tells a story that we often want to minimize–a story where men hold all of the power to “allow or permit” women to do or not do certain things.

a story where patriarchal systems & structures & influences trump the fullness of God’s spirit-at-work-in-women’s-lives.

it’s a story that we’ve accepted as okay somehow.

and it’s not okay.

the story of God is a story of freedom. of dignity being restored instead of stripped. of being empowered instead of shamed.  of   equality instead of oppression. of breaking down barriers instead of building them.  of loosening chains instead of tightening them.  of creating the kingdom of heaven on earth  here, now instead of perpetuating historical injustices.

men do not give women freedom.

and when they do, with statements like “we let women lead”, it does not heal the deep grooves of patriarchy but actually magnifies them.

women, i know it’s so easy to get sucked into and i have so been there, but i really hope we can resist celebrating someone “letting us” do what we have already been empowered to do.

we’ve got to change this jacked up language. 

yeah, i hope we can keep remembering that men, women, and systems ultimately do not give women freedom.

God does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted on Aug 27, 2012 in crazy making, equality, injustice, women in ministry | 48 comments

5 nonviolent ways we can help win the war against women

Love and Warlast week was a big week for me; after sending our oldest son back to college the week before, we took our daughter to start her freshman year in college in new york city, got our twins started in middle school, and sent our #3 off to florida for a football team adventure.  to top if it off, i officiated a dear & beautiful friend’s wedding and that’s not counting regular refuge nuttiness.  i’m tired but grateful. i miss my daughter terribly already, but i am excited for all that is ahead of her. she definitely makes me want to advocate even more strongly on behalf of change for women in this broken, weird world.

in the midst the whirlwind, i read the disturbing reports of senator akin’s remarks about “legitimate rape.”  honestly, i had to compartmentalize because i didn’t have the emotional margin to even give it a glance.

now the dust has settled and the feelings have swept in.  mainly, i’m disgusted.  not so much just about his comments; his are just one of many totally lame things that people in power actually believe.

the reason i’m most bummed is how these moments point to us as christians;  we have been such terrible examples of a better way.  seriously, we are known for our sexism, inequality, judgment, and exclusiveness instead of for our love.

Jesus is supposed to be about setting people free, not locking them up. loving people in their fullness, not slighting half of creation.

and we are supposed to be liberators, not oppressors.

we are called to be advocates, incarnations of God’s love & hope instead of examples of how-not-to-act.

we who follow Jesus should be the ones on the front-lines battling on behalf of women in the world and instead we are too often the ones metaphorically shooting them down & putting them in POW camps.

i don’t like the language of war or talking about fighting on our own strength.  but i do think we are supposed to follow Jesus’ lead and be people of justice and mercy–kind & clear & willing to pay a cost for what’s right.

here are some non-violent ways we can begin to win the war on women. these are not for men but for all of us:

1. empower a woman in any way you can.  promote her.  educate her.  ordain her.  ask her.  listen to her.  invite her.  encourage her.  use any influence you have on another women’s behalf.  i think of what mother teresa says–if you can’t feed 100 people, just feed one.  in the same vein, if you can’t empower 100 women, just empower one.   once empowered, women have exponential influence to change the course of their families, organizations, communities, the world.

2.  tangibly support a community agency that advocates for women.  while we are spending time picking apart Bible passages on whether a woman can teach or lead, these agencies are actively and passionately advocating for women–helping them get restraining orders against their abusive partners, assisting them in finding housing, providing counseling and support to empower them to claim their dignity, offering all kinds of other support for education and change.  their needs are great.  these soldiers on the front lines always need resources & volunteers & professional services & basic practical help for women.

3.  embody respect, dignity, and value of women.  i love what brennan manning says–if you want to know what a person believes, watch what they do.  men need to tangibly value women and women need to tangibly value women.  and others need to see this so they can be inspired, too.  this means not using, stereotyping, sexualizing, ignoring, dismissing, and disrespecting them, but with humility and love treating them for what they are–God’s valued and treasured creation. this is part of being salt & light.

4.  actively participate in shifting power structures.  in the workplace, in the church, in families, the best thing we can do on behalf of women is work to have them fully included in places of influence.  our government & corporations & structures-of-almost-every-place-of-power are clearly not reflective of the demographics of this world.  we each can play a part in changing that by actively inviting women to the table, voting them in, educating and equipping them, and sharing leadership with them.

5.  stop supporting churches (or organizations) that do not offer full equality for women.  yes, i have to say it.  the church is supposed to be the free-est place in town, one that empowers & heals & unleashes. we are called to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth, not perpetuate the imbalanced ways of the world.  i firmly believe in gandhi’s admonition–when we are silent, we stand on the side of the oppressor. i’m not trying to convince those who firmly believe in male headship; i’m talking to those who believe in equality & are tired of the ways women are second-class citizens in the church yet still give time & money & energy supporting systems that perpetuate this because it feels like there aren’t other options.  i know it’s scary & hard & often a big loss, but with enough “we’re-done-with-this”, new kinds will form over time that are inclusive and honor women’s full dignity and value properly. we’ve got to start voting with our feet.

i have no doubt that we can participate in shifting the tide of history & these deep oppressive grooves of patriarchy.  we can actively & earnestly pave a better way for our daughters & sons.  we can be empowered by the spirit of God to create something better without becoming ugly-and-mean-right-back.    

 

 

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