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well it’s been absolutely nutty around the escobar house (what’s new?).  but honestly, it really has been a crazy week with my oldest son graduating from high school.  it’s so hard to believe that this moment really came, my little bunny now heading off to college in a month (he’s going to the naval academy in annapolis).  these 18 years came in a blink.  the truth is that when josh was 7 years old, we had 4 other kids.  one of my claim-to-fames is that for a few months i had 5 kids under the age of 7.    i always tell him “i’m sorry you were our guinea pig, we didn’t really know what we were doing and i think we’ve gotten better over the years.” he assures us that we really are, indeed, good parents.

anyway, his graduation has made me think a lot about the past 18 years, how we’ve changed, where we’ve been.  i can’t say i have a ton of regrets; sure there are things i’d definitely do differently and am trying to improve up on with the other 4 bunnies, but the reality is that we can only do the best we can when we are there.  no question, parenting is definitely a spiritual formation adventure.

yeah, i’ve learned a lot.  have a lot more to learn, too.  but here are a few that come to mind today:

• grace is better than the law.
• our actions matter much more than our words.
• eventually they have to find their own faith no matter how may Bible verses they memorize.
• it’s easy to talk about unconditional love and much trickier to really give it.
• people are going to judge your parenting, there’s no way around it.  just let it go, they aren’t in your shoes.
• the interrupt rule was worth it (all you growing kids god’s way’ers will know what i’m talking about).
• control is really the root of most all of the conflicts.
• becoming a safe person applies to parenting, not just other relationships.
• the best thing i ever did for my kids was put my butt in the chair and start to get honest about what was going on inside of me.
• letting go is hard to do.
• you might end up doing and saying things you swore you wouldn’t.  don’t be too hard on yourself when it happens.
• public school is not of the devil.
• love covers a multitude of sins.
• humility is much easier to talk about than actually live out.
• don’t take ourselves too seriously.
• even though they leave, we’re never done.
• you can always make up for some of your mistakes with the younger ones.

we are leaving for a graduation getaway to el salvador, just our familia and 2 of josh’s friends at a free beach house, yeah!  no cell phones, no tv’s, no computers.  just us.  can’t wait. see ya when i get back!

i am too fried in this moment to even consider all the different parts of our trip that i’d love to flesh out here at the carnival. i am just planning on letting what-may-come emerge over the upcoming months.  but as i sit here on the plane on the long flight home writing with pen and paper (i’ve been 2 weeks without a cell phone or my laptop, an excellent spiritual discipline for me, ha!) i do want to share what’s on the top of my head before it slips away.  these are fairly random thoughts, some related to “church” and community, other just general reflections of our experience.  i know one thing:  i will not be able to give our experience justice.  too much needs to be felt, experienced, touched and tasted. but i will do what i can to capture what i can.

Jesus is alive and well in africa.  whoa!  what an experience to be part of worship in a radically different culture.  that is some serious joy and passion-filled worship!  we were all a little lost as all the music was in swahili, but just listening & soaking & clapping was enough for me.  God’s spirit wasn’t just reflected in the worship, either; all over the place, in most all of the people we met, we experienced an overflowing of God’s love and light.  it just oozed out of them. they are poor in every sense of the material world, but so rich in joy, love, laughter, and hope.  it’s seriously contagious.

africa time is s-l-o-w. this is the perfect culture for me on one level because being fashionably late is completely normal.  however, my friends here who get tired of waiting for me when i’m late will be glad to know that even i was irritated!  and when you’re trying to feed your hungry and tired kids, speed is helpful!

the fund-y missionaries have greatly influenced christian culture there. that part was the hardest for me, because the “word of God” is elevated to a scary high place, so much like it can be in the super-conservative streams in the US where any thought or doubt or weakness or struggle must be combatted with scripture and robotic sayings about God’s faithfulness.  we drove a lot through many villages and towns, and the presence of extreme pentecostal & conservative mission there is so obvious in all of the wording. taglines like “dedicated to preserving holiness and the fear of God in all people” are really common.  and while i of course know that the messages that have been carried to africa have done great good in so many ways, i couldn’t help but wonder just a little bit how much damage has been done in the name of Christ with the focus on eternal salvation and personal holiness and scripture quoting shaping “what being a christian means.”

we had fun bringing a little “refuge-style” teaching with us. jose and i didn’t really know what we were getting into when it came to communicating.  we knew we were teaching at a pastor’s/leader’s conference and probably at the church that is part of the mission center.  in praying and preparing to go, the only thing i knew was that the one passage i wanted to flesh out was the parable of the lost sheep in matthew 18 & the contrast between the church of the 99 and the church of the 1 (this will be my next blog post for sure).  i had no idea it would strike such a chord, but it definitely became a fun theme for the week.  at the pastors conference it was obvious that they were just planning on us “preaching” but jose and i decided to give refuge-style facilitation a try instead since we believe passionately in dialogue and challenging conversation instead of just talking.  it took a while to break the ice but after a bit we got there.  we were totally unprepared but it didn’t really matter; we focused on 3 movements through micah 6:8 of doing justice, loving mercy & walking humbly & it was really fun.  we did some interactive stuff & broke into small discussion groups, and jose did an amazing job of really challenging them on oh-so-typical-christian responses related to issues of God’s justice in the bible.  i admit, i got a little panicked when he opened up a theological can of worms that they are not used to considering (i confess, i even poked him in the arm and shot him a few “what the $*!&!^@(  are you doing?” looks that we’ve been laughing about ever since) but he is the master at pulling it all together in the end!  we had some great swahili interpreters, too, and i think their presence forced us to slow down our pace & not ramble on like we are used to. i am glad we tried some new stuff, and i have a feeling when we go back next january (yes, we are hoping to take a refuge team there mid january 2011, let me know if you want to join us!) the interaction and dialogue-y format will be easier for everyone.

life without power and water is brutal. the mission center we stayed at is on a great piece of property, but it is outside a small village that just recently got power.  there is still has no running water or electricity.  about 100 kids live there, with double that coming to primary school there each day. it is clearly a hub for many in the surrounding areas, a true gathering spot & place of refuge (and one my dreams for some dark places in our community, too).  oh, but life without power and water is hard.  they walk 1/2 a mile down a steep hill to bathe once a week (all the little ones, too) & pay some village women a small amount to sherpa water from the source at the bottom.  the bathrooms are 2 huts with holes in the ground.  at night, it is dark, with only a few small lanterns available.  we visited another orphanage closer to nairobi on our last day that has some seriously solid financial support & it was utterly unbelievable to see the contrast between the two and what power, water, and a steady stream of support from america could actually do in a tangible way. the difference between these 2 orphanages kind of felt like the difference between the refuge & a megachurch!

“reality is that the poor are the ones who really actually help the poor.” oh this is so true!  we also had the privilege of going to one of the pastors’ homes outside of nairobi & i can say that is the one moment i will never forget.  they have rolling blackouts where sometimes the power will be off for up to 6 hours.  he led us in the dark up a crazy amount of stairs to enter his small apartment where he lives with his wife, 3 sons, and the 3 adopted sons that he has taken in because their parents are dead.  yeah, they don’t have any money themselves but they are the first to help.  i will always remember what my kenyan friend said on this trip:  “reality is that the poor are the ones who really actually help the poor” i can attest to that here in the US as well. power begets power.  money begets money.  no one likes to give to the losing team. and those in the trenches, leaving the 99 to find the 1, are usually the ones with no money or power.  that’s a whole other story, but i will say that being in that sweet family’s home, one teeny weeny candle lighting the room, and being greeted with such love & light got under my skin like none other.

“people come but no one wants to live like us.” we had no idea going in, but it turns out we were the only american mission team who has ever stayed at the orphanage.  typically those that come stay in a nice hotel about an hour from the village and drive in each day.  one of the teachers told me how much our stay meant to them.  she said “people come to help, but they don’t really want to be with us and live our life with us.” oh, there so many applications to this thought for us as “the church” and the whole to, for, and with thought i’ve often shared at the carnival comes to mind.   the scarcity of food & water, the heat, no beds, and the lack of running water and power is so taxing.  and even though we had our “experience” let’s face it, we were there for 3 days, big whoop.  these lovely and dear people live with this every day of their lives.  we all slept on mats that we bought at the market in one room at the orphanage with mosquito nets rigged with jumpropes that we brought & our sweatshirts as pillows.  and while it would be easy to say how cool we were for staying, the truth is that we still had the luxury of our handy dandy headlamps & bottled water & access to cold sodas now & then & the ability to leave in a car with a driver to go into town if we wanted.  yes, this is a powerful metaphor to continue to meditate on.  my kids were completely blown away by the whole thing, promising to “never complain about anything ever again, mommy.” over and over again i think we were all struck by the incredible privilege we have living in this country.  the most pervasive thought for all of us was “what can we really do to love our friends well from afar beyond this moment?“  seeing the contrast in the orphanages really helped them capture the vision of what is possible with a lot of love and specific intentional support, yet we were also painfully aware of our knee-jerk tendency to want to use our power in a way that ultimately diminishes theirs.  since that is everything i am against i know that won’t work. my kids also each said, “everybody should come here at least once in their lifetime.” my head is spinning with what could be, and i am also painfully aware of my/our limitations and my potential to want-to-save-the-world. i know everyone who goes on these kinds of trips get their world rocked.  for now, i just want to hold onto this dear teacher’s words & really reflect on what that means on all kinds of levels:  “everyone likes to come help us but no one wants to live like and with us.” yeah, leaving the 99 to find the 1 is easier said than done.

we did all kinds of off-the-beaten-tourist-path things that we love to do. sure, we did the 1 day safari and got to see all kinds of animals (a lion, literally, 3 feet from our van, hard to top that).  other than the safari we only saw a handful of white people on our entire trip.  but we always like to go where tourists don’t go.  we ate all kinds of authentic african food with our friends, no utensils & thankfully no tummy issues either.  we went to the grocery store. we even went to the movies at one of the megamalls in kisumu & saw sherlock holmes.   it was really a blast, but i will be the first to say that i love toilet seats, running water, paved roads, and good brewed coffee in the morning.  those are the things i missed the most.

thanks for being part from afar.  we also extend a big asante (thank you in swahili, my kids had that one down) to everyone who prayed for us & sent love.   we are working on a fun video that captures some of our experiences and if we can get it together i will post it here, too. most of all,  asante, africa, for opening up our eyes to your love & beauty. it was a lovely gift.

here are just a few pix:

i realize i haven’t written anything yet about our africa trip coming up on the 18th of this month so i thought i’d share here an email update we sent out this past week to our friends and family so you could get the gist of what we were doing.  thanks for your prayers & support & love from afar.  we are really excited for our adventure, and i’ll definitely be writing and sharing pictures when we get back.  here’s what we sent:

familia escobar is going to africa!

all 7 of us are going to kenya & uganda for a fun mix of mission & adventure…

we leave january 18th 2010, back january 30th & wanted to fill you in on what we are doing and give everyone a chance to be part from afar & send some love to africa with us to help the orphanage & school we’re going to.

we are so thankful for this opportunity & are excited (and a little nervous, too) for what’s ahead. kathy met our kenyan friend luke at the new conspirators conference in seattle in 2008, and we forged a fun and sweet friendship with him. in addition to a lot of other things, he runs a mission center in luanda, which is outside of kisumu, kenya. there is an orphanage, school, and pastor’s college on the property. 250 kids live there and another 250 come there every day for school.

our trip will include a combination of teaching at several mini-conferences & churches on both the kenya and uganda sides & helping at the orphanage and school (we’re going on a 1 day safari at the end & have plans for some other adventures in between). we are just planning on winging it and trusting it will all be clear once we get there, ha! and honestly, really we just hope to listen and learn and have a chance to connect with as many people as possible. the kids are really excited to play with the kids and are already planning what balls and games they are going to bring.

we do not need to raise any money for our expenses. we are grateful for united airlines and the discounts we get to fly with and we are viewing this as our last big crazy family trip before josh leaves for college in july. we are staying at the orphanage for free.

however, we wanted to give everyone the opportunity to be part of helping meet some current needs the orphanage and school are facing. they are actually in the middle of a huge financial crisis and some of the kids have been placed with families on an emergency-short-term basis because there wasn’t enough money to feed everyone. they are in the process of trying to fund 2010 properly & need a lot of help to pull it together. 100% of any money we bring will go directly to provide food and supplies for the children and the school.

if you want to make a tax-deductible contribution, you can use our paypal, which is available on the refuge home page at www.therefugeonline.org or on my blog at www.kathyescobar.com. it is the same paypal account for the refuge. make sure and put in the “details” line that it is for africa.

we’ll bring 100% of anything that comes in directly to deliver to them. we’d love to really bless them with an extra infusion of love. in the work that we do at the refuge, i know how great it feels to get unexpected help. it always feels like a direct gift from above, no matter how big or small, and a reminder to not give up. these dear people are in the trenches loving the least of these.

please do not feel any obligation in any way! but if you want to be part from afar, knowing that it won’t go to some random thing but directly into the hands of some people that need it, we’d love to take it there for you.

we leave on january 18th so we need to have everything in place by friday the 15th. sorry for the short notice, we are just behind from the holidays!

we so appreciate your prayers & love and will share pix & more on facebook when we get back!

lots of love, kathy, jose, josh, julia, jamison, jonas & jared

i was just heading to the store to get some benadryl for the dog (yes, to add just a teeny more stress to my not-so-great day, sadie must have gotten stung by a bee and broke out in hives) when i heard frantic, like really frantic screaming, from all 4 of the kids that were home, including my almost 15 year old daughter.  i got off the phone and ran inside, certain that maybe we had misdiagnosed the dog and she was overtaken by whatever was ailing her and had dropped dead on the kitchen floor.  surely that was the only thing that could merit that much screaming.  but i was met with a gushing wound, blood all over the floor, and hysterical children.  the calmest one:  jonas.

julia kicked into action, scooped him up and we headed to the emergency room.   of course, jose is on a trip this week to beijing (no joke, these things always happen when he is out of town, it has become almost comical).  it’s great having older kids who can help, our parents living nearby (my mom came & gave the dog a bath and placated jonas’ distraught twin brother) and the dear refuge family who came to the hospital and passed on all kinds of love & laughs to jonas.  it really was so sweet & the emergency room assistant had to ask the nurse “did that little guy have a more serious accident than we thought because he sure has a lot of concerned visitors???“  i am always reminded just how lovely our friends are.  and jonas was truly amazing through it all, communicating better with everyone than most grownups can.  well after x-rays & ooing and awing and cringing & cleaning and numbing, he got stitched up and we headed home, exhausted.

today, the dog’s better.  i woke up this morning after on-and-off sleep for both jonas & i and realized that once again i failed as the tooth fairy (to top it all off, jared lost one of his teeth while we were gone).  jonas is home from school, mighty sore, and i am cancelling my day.  the coffee table will now be used for coffee. not dancing.

ps: i spared you all having to see pictures you definitely don’t want to see, but if you’re one of those people who are kind of into gore, here is a picture.  we took one to send to daddy’s phone so he knew what was going on.  warning, it’s REALLY ugly, and i wouldn’t open it if i were you, but jonas thought it would be cool to share.

the question was:  how has parenting changed you?

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when i was pregnant with my oldest child, who’s now 16 ½ years old, my husband and i were at a group with lots of people just starting their families.  he was in the navy and we were at that age where pretty much everyone was popping out babies one after another.  i’ll never forget the night one of the mommies abruptly turned to me and said “do you want to hold her?” swinging her precious 4 month old baby into my arms.  i panicked.  “umm, no thanks” i muttered back, with a little nervous laugh underneath. my friend looked a little stunned that i had rejected her offer. jose & i  left a little bit later and i cried all the way home, feeling like the world’s worst mom-to-be.   how could i be so cold toward that beautiful baby?  it scared me, and for the next few months every evil “what if you really are a terrible mom and won’t love your child properly” thought rattled across my mind.  little did i know that a few months later my entire world would open up & the expanse of love and care for that precious brown bundle would overtake my heart.  and little did i know that that would happen 4 times again.  5 little babies to hold & love.  oh, yeah, and to parent.

creating them is one thing.  popping them out is one thing.  those are the easy parts (yes, that is what i am saying, labor isn’t the hardest part although every woman knows it hurts like hell).  parenting them, now that’s the hard part. it’s the part where i am faced with my humanity, my selfishness, my pride, my tendency to want everything to be as good as it can possibly be. but in that same breath, it’s also the place where i am faced with the magnitude of how much love resides in my heart,  how much i am willing to give up for those little people’s sakes, and how deep my desire is for their well-being.  parenting, a little like marriage, is the place where the sum total of all my ugliness & all my goodness somehow collide & i learn more about myself, other people, God, than i ever bargained for.

here a few that are on the top of my head:

knock the bar off the rack. the parenting bar has been set too damn high. take a browse through any parenting magazine or the parenting section of barnes & noble and you will instantly feel overwhelmed, sure to fail. the world (& the church), in my opinion, has become obsessed with more, more, more, and it has translated into parents working themselves to exhaustion to keep up with some magical bar of parenting excellence. if i am in a group of young mommies and get them talking, the #1 thing they will say is that they feel guilty that they aren’t doing “x, y or z” enough with their child. the best thing i did was throw away the parenting magazines & begin to take that crazy imaginary “good parent” bar down a few notches.

prepare to be humiliated. i wish someone would have told me this. i had no idea i would be embarrassed and publicly humiliated over and over and over again. tantrums in the target line. naughty behavior at a friend’s house after you had prayed feverishly the whole way there that everyone would be on their good behavior. class projects that didn’t quite have the pizzazzz they did at home when they are lined up against the professional mommies work. oh the list goes on and on and on. i know all about sweating profusely & wanting to rip someone’s arm out of their socket.

never say never. “we would never let our kids do that.” oh, never say never. that one has come back to bite me in more ways than one. you just never know what might evolve over time. you never know the shifts that could take place. you never know you might end up in exactly the same place you were judging someone for being. if there was one word i’d take out of my parenting vocabulary it’d be “never.”

remember they’re just people, too, trying to do the best they can. this is probably the biggest way i have changed over the years. my poor oldest child got the brunt of our wacked expectations of parenting perfection (trust me, i ask for forgiveness all the time). i had some weird light go on somewhere along the way where i noticed that i had the ability to pass on grace and mercy to grownups like it was nothing but when it came to the kids i had some unrealistic idea they automatically should do things right the first time. i think this coincided with me sort of accepting myself a little more, giving myself a little more grace and mercy, too, and somehow it became easier to let go and quit expecting so much out of them all the time.

lighten up. we just used to take ourselves too seriously. if i have one regret in my early parenting years it is that i didn’t laugh enough. i didn’t look at my life and see it as a fun canvas of a crazy and beautiful life evolving. i looked at it more as a performance that i kept screwing up. the more i was able to laugh at myself, at ourselves, the more free i have felt. plus, let’s face it, some parenting stuff is just comical. now, with my kids getting older, sometimes in the minute of something stupid i am about to do as a parent, we will just stop and laugh at how ridiculous i can sometimes be.

i’m banking on love. “love covers a multitude of sins” is a biblical truth that i hold on to when it comes to parenting. although i don’t think it gives us a license to just do whatever we want, i do believe that it is true, that love fills in the cracks. love prevails. love strengthens. love never fails. and love is sacrifice. love is care. love is presence. i have done a million things wrong as a mommy, but i do believe my love for them is more powerful than all of my mistakes.

so as i am writing this my kids are getting ready for school. i asked my 16 year old “how have daddy and i changed as parents?”  and he said “goodly.” yeah, the escobars are really good at grammar, but i’ll take it any day.

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ps:  jose and i are escaping for a few grownups-only water skiing days with some dear friends at lake powell so i’ll be quiet in responding this week.  then we come back and gear up for off the map live’s the born again church tour here in denver october 17/18th. if you’re local, hope to see you there!  buy your tickets here.

sometimes, i’ll admit, it’s a little scary.  the shifts jose and i have made as christians are one thing, but where does that leave our children?  will they survive the lack of “knowns” that we used to hold on to so dearly?  what will it mean for them to be raised in a wacky eclectic “community” instead of the typical church structure that delivers the kinds of programs that we used to thrive on?  how has our cynicism affected them? does Jesus supersede language & systems? what will their faith journey really look like?

oh no easy answers here, i am sure of that, and i know from talking to a few others on a similar path as us that we’re all a little nervous.  and when it comes to being christians who are pretty sold on the beauty & power of the body of Christ we are sort of in a weird spot.  sure, lots of people i know have shifted their beliefs about God & life but when it comes to their kiddos, they are still quite adamant about making sure somehow they go to youth group & “real church” and learn about God in the typical ways.  i can’t tell my kids story for them, but our oldest two exited the system when they left their conservative evangelical school.  the hypocrisy, the legalism, it all just got the best of them and now, youth group, typical church, anything that smells of organized is just not on their radar.  and i definitely can’t blame it all on their old school. i know we have contributed to all of it, too.  seeing all my church politics & hurt a few years ago didn’t help.  our own doubts & questioning about how wacked out the system has become has added fuel to the fire (trust me, they have elephant ears).  and as we all well know, kids & grownups alike have a hard time untangling Jesus from the structures built on his name.  but it is what it is and now we just have to make the most of it. 

so is all lost?  have we royally ruined them in this process?  i don’t know, i really don’t.  but now, a few years into all of this, i am beginning to believe that even though it might not look like it now, maybe they all have a better shot at freedom in their faith than they ever would have had before.  (or maybe i am just trying to make myself feel better, i’m not sure?) 

here are a few questions we have been wrestling with when it comes to the kids & faith: 

what if we never again hear the ”right” words? those “right” words used to bring me so much comfort!   this is the same for kids as it is for grownups.  we all feel a little better when we hear certain words from people.  we used to breathe a little easier when we knew they could spit out right thinking, spiritual language, scripture that make us feel better.  so my kids no longer say the things that used to make me beam as a “christian parent” but they say & do other things that make me think “oh, there is something really beautiful about their character, their heart, who they really are that just got revealed right there” and there wasn’t one bit of religious lingo in the mix! 

what if they already have more questions than answers?  it’s almost like it’s okay to ask questions once we lived a life of having all the answers, but what happens when you start out with just the questions & not the answers?  that is what is feeling so foreign.  and because the older ones rub off on the littler ones, all my kiddos are asking some wing-dinger questions that my old-school God cards just can’t trump.  this would be no big deal if we were from a different kind of christian tradition that embraced the mystery a bit more, but we used to be good “because the Bible says so, that’s why” christians & so it just feels weird to communicate to kids the tension of strong faith with unanswered questions.

what if they never get the spiritual high we used to be so addicted to? i really do think most are addicted to the spiritual high & it’s easy to pass that on to our kids (think about how much pressure so many youth pastors are under! their job is always on the line if they can’t deliver the goods.)  what if church was really just about hanging out with people who knew you, loved you, and challenged you to pursue your dreams, your passions, to notice needs? what if that superseded the need to learn a bible story or play a fun game?  my kids haven’t had a spiritual high in well over two years, but when they are around the refuge family they have grownups that look them in the eye, love them, hug them, and care about how they’re doing. they love & play with the other littler refuge-ees whenever we’re together.  with a bit of loosely organized stuff here & there, that’s pretty much what they get in terms of “church”.   is that really enough? 

is all of this honesty too much for them or will it help them in the end? our kids are exposed to a lot of topics & people that we used to protect them from.  we are now surrounded by addictions, mental illness, gender stuff, domestic poverty, divorce, oh it runs the gamut.  you name it, it’s just in the circles we now run in (it was in the other circles, too, just more hidden).  i am sure there are positives & negatives involved with this kind of openness, but i do know this, they are forced to reckon with things that i think need reckoning with like:  how could i possibly reject our lesbian friends when i know & love her heart?  how do i feel about the mean things abortion protestors are saying when they are talking about my mom?  how come we have insurance but a lot of other people don’t? why do we live in a nice house but our friends are about to be homeless?  i want the kids to be able to think through some of these hard things & always, always, always associate these issues with real people, real stories, real struggles so they aren’t as quick to jump on the judgement bandwagon.  still, sometimes it scares me, especially when i look around at so many people we used to know who are protected from these harsh realities; their life just seems simpler, sweeter, easier. 

can we live with their own creative journey that looks nothing like what we might have originally thought?  the old ways had old measures.  now, with a lot of that stripped away we sometimes wonder what it’s going to be like for them.  i don’t know what twists & turns are ahead for my kiddos. i know we will keep living out the gospel as best we can and they will just have to continually make some important decisions for themselves over time.  my hope is that regardless of the language they use and they way they express it, that the spirit & ways of Jesus are under their skin & into their heart & are reflected in ways that might not be noticeable to the religious system (or even us) but somehow, some way show up in relationship with people. 

when it’s all said and done, i think we are learning to let go of what we always expected of ourselves & our kids in this much-more-complicated-than-we-ever-imagined-mainly-because-we-changed department.  bottom line is we’re trying to hold on to what Love (note the caps!) really means.  and yep, the whole thing is messy & complicated & beautiful & scary.  i know we have & will continue to screw it up, but we will keep praying for God’s grace & mercy & for our kids to have it embedded in their hearts, too. plus, we’re definitely, without a doubt, banking on “love covers a multitude of sins.” 

please, make me feel a little less vulnerable here & tell me some of your thoughts, questions & fears when it comes to kids & faith.

* * * * *

SIDE NOTE:  on the topic of kids, i do have a recent addition to my small contribution to the kingdom–making other mommies feel better.  you’ll have to read the other post for it to make sense, but here’s a worthy addition to my “top 10 humiliating things about me that will make other mommies feel better”:

# 10 1/2:  during the summer we don’t really worry too much about showers, etc. because we are always at the lake, pool, etc. it’s kind of gross but we don’t really care, it’s summer, right and everyone’s clean enough with all that water around. well the night before the first day of school i told the little ones “hey, you guys need to take a shower”. our friend who lives in our basement was like “when WAS the last time you took a shower?” and jonas, my 8 year old, goes “ummm, i am pretty sure it was in JUNE!”  yeah, we’re good parents. 

a little backstory is that jose’s parents immigrated to the US from el salvador when he was 4 years old.  they have a lovely story of starting with barely nothing and working hard over the years to create a life here.   they are proud of both countries.  jose is an only child and went to the naval academy right after high school to make his mommy happy.  he became a pilot & flew for the navy until 1997 when he got hired by united airlines.  in 2004 he was preparing for his 20 year high school reunion & looking at our high school yearbook with the kids.  in the yearbook was a little blurb “what are some of your dreams for your future?” and he had written “go to UCLA law school and become a lawyer.”  the kids were wondering what happened to that dream, and jose realized he had completely forgotten it (sound familiar?).  the fun part is that it opened up a crack in his heart and he started to ask “i wonder if i should go for it?”  he started walking through the process of seeing what might be possible.  nine months & lots of little steps later, he ended up with a full-ride to denver university on a social justice scholarship and basically there was no turning back. 

the most beautiful part is that in the past few years he has developed an even bigger heart for advocating for the marginalized.  he interned at the equal opportunity employment commission & also milehigh ministries’ justice and mercy legal action center (JAMLAC) and really just loved the people & work. now that he’s done, he’ll keep flying for united to pay the bills and then can offer his time & heart at JAMLAC representing people who normally wouldn’t have access to a lawyer.  he is so good at caring and communicating and i am already so relieved to have at least a good first contact for the many people i come across in look of legal help who can’t exactly pay $250 an hour!

ps: if it sounds like i’m bragging, yep, i sure am. sorry i can’t help it! someone’s gotta do it because he won’t.

pps: the pic is of our family, my inlaws & my mom.  yes, there’s no doubt in my mind, it really does take a village!

mother’s day 2008

life out of nothing

chosen, picked, destined

to be part of me.

part of us.

God knew

these would be mine,

ours.

to love, nurture, remind

that life is beautiful,

good

hard

fragile

that they are exactly who they are

supposed to be.

strong. 

loved. 

meant to dream.

and we will fight for them

always,

fiercely protect

gently love

loudly laugh

gladly sacrifice

constantly apologize.

because time flies

and before i know it

they’ll be gone.

so today i

thank God, for my babies.

there have been 9 kids at the escobar house the past 6 days!  we’ve been watching our friends 4 kiddos while they are in central america on a ministry networking trip.   it is pretty funny because honestly, once you tip over the edge like we have with 5 of our own, throwing a few more into the mix isn’t that big of a deal.  you hardly even notice.   my twins are 8, though, so it’s been a while since i’ve had to think about sippy cups and diapers and naps and the ridiculously short hours of preschool where 1/2 of the time is just spent driving back and forth.   the whole thing has been pretty fun, actually, really good sitcom material, trust me.  i am thankful for flexible kids who are used to fending for themselves, gogurts, burger king drive-thrus, refuge friends who don’t mind meeting at chick-fil-a playplaces, and my fantabulous partner-in-the-craziness husband jose who equally shares the load of running the escobar household no matter how many kids are in it with style & grace. 

it was a great week, it’s going to feel pretty quiet around here now, ha!

the refuge post is about some of the marks of authentic community & some of the things we are passionate about. you can check it out here.

jenny wrote about the collage workshop that the refuge hosted on saturday.  she has some good pictures you can check out here.  it was 3 hours of therapy for $5!!  so good.  great company &  worth the energy to get there.  my collage is in the picture above but her site you can see it so much better.  it is always fun for make space for creative things like this. it’s on my kitchen windowsill so i will see it each day. i really do want to “enjoy the ride” this year instead of clenching my fists all the time, squeezing my eyes shut and hoping the ride gets over quick, missing all the beauty of the moment.

and lastly,  i will say i was so proud of the refuge tonight–we did the spiritual discipline of silence & solitude as a community, watched the rob bell nooma noise dvd & created 5 different stations for people to go to in complete silence: fire, prayer, communion, darkness (we had ties for people to blindfold themselves), and praise.  we had a few guided questions at each place.  we were making apologies to people for pushing them to try something so awkward together and the push back to us was “cut it out, we can hack it”. it was lovely.  i come from that darn attractional mindset sometimes and forget that at this point no one is at the refuge because of the feel-good show because there most certainly isn’t one.  they are here to dig in, give new things a try, and be part of the conversation instead of sitting passively.  i looked up during my time at the prayer station & i got a little teary realizing “damn, we’re really doing this!”   i always have this little noogling fear we’re going to systematically drive people away with these crazy experiments but i have to say i think it’s glorious to at least be trying.  everyone’s experiences were all over the place. 

i did kind of hear from God during my silence.   in general, when i am anxious, my foot & leg start shaking, sometimes just subtly, sometimes a little less covert, but it is always just my anxiety popping out and is a way i know i’m stressed and anxious.  i’ve been noticing a bit more lately.  during the quiet God gave me this repeated image of his strong gentle hand on my leg.  “honey, settle down.”  the verse that popped into my head was one of my favs.  psalm 46:10–be still and know that i am God.  i kept writing down:  i am God.  kathy, you are not.  i am God.  you are not.  be still.  i am God.  you are not. settle down.  be still.   i did feel a little less anxious & am always reminded when i make a little intentional space God seems to seep in something i need to hear. 

well, it was a good wacky refuge eve and a great example that worship doesn’t have to mean music & church doesn’t have to mean a sermon.  

and to top it off afterward we hung out with an old friend who was visiting from arkansas & watched the grammy’s (all the kids were rooting for kanye).  it was a little anti-climactical with herbie hancock winning album of the year (????) but always a great show and one of the escobar fam traditions!