the carnival in my head

our drinking-vodka-out-of-frozen-turkeys

Posted on Apr 26, 2011 in healing, identity, spiritual formation, the carnival in my head | 13 comments

i hope everyone had a really great holy week. it was a wild one around here & i loved it in all kinds of ways. we did a beautiful & simple good friday gathering & then a fun & so-refuge easter celebration on saturday night. easter is my favorite season; to me there is so much beauty in the reminder that out of death & darkness new life emerges–over and over and over again. death, grief & resurrection (i call it friday-saturday-sunday living) is not something to talk about once a year but rather something to practice in the day-in-day-out rhythms of our ordinary lives.

to me, the easter story is about love. wild, pure, deep, unexpected, enduring love.

and the more i engage in relationship with people (and myself!) i am struck by the deep need for love in this world. not talking about love. not theologies about love. not ideas about love. but love. in-the-flesh and making-a-difference-in-the-deep-places-of-people’s-hearts-and-stories love. yes, i think this world needs more and more little pockets of love.

i shared this story at the refuge during lent but i thought of it this weekend, too. it is from the book lit by mary karr. i think some of you have already read it but if you haven’t, i highly recommend it. there’s this one scene in the book that i’ll never forget. mary is an alcoholic just starting to attend AA meetings for the first time. her first reaction to the other people there is so typical–“i’m not like them. i’m not as bad as them. i’ve got it much more together than these crazies” (i hear this one often when it comes to the refuge, too). but she goes anyway. she puts her butt in the chair and she listens. then, the best-dressed woman in the group stands up. totally put together, educated, wearing designer clothes, she proceeds to talk about how when she was drinking she would hide her booze in the carcass of a turkey so that her kids wouldn’t find it. they searched the house high and low but it always eluded them. she thought she was so crafty. in her worst moment she ended up desperate for a drink but couldn’t get the bottle out so she heaved up the turkey, guzzling vodka right out of the carcass. that was her last drink.

mary’s initial reaction: “oh my God, no way would i ever do that! i’ve got my drinking under control.”

my initial reaction: “wow, that’s pretty desperate. glad i’m not that bad off.”

but the truth is that i am that bad. my drinking-vodka-out-of-frozen-turkeys just looks different, maybe a little cleaner, a little neater, maybe a little more productive, but it’s all about the same thing. in those moments of desperation, we are looking for love. something to fill the pain & loneliness and settle the scary dissonance inside us. so we work, eat, drink, sex, shop, porn, rage, spiritualize, and a whole lot of other things to try to find “love”.

as the story unfolds, mary finds peace and hope and God through community. she begins to experience love in deep places, receiving it instead of rejecting it, letting it transform her instead of run away from it.

it all comes back ’round to the beginning, to the first beatitude, to “blessed are those who are spiritually poor”, who are willing to admit “i need God, i need help, i need love.”

when i’m honest, i’d often much rather drink vodka out of frozen turkeys than admit that.

this story isn’t about “stopping” drinking vodka out of frozen turkeys. that’s what an awful lot of church energy often gets focused toward. rather, this story reminds me of the deeper truth, the deeper story going on underneath–how can i/we be filled up with the radical love and peace of God in the midst of this broken world and how can i/we pass this love on to others, too?

this easter, i was reminded yet again of the depth and beauty and mystery of God’s love for me, for all of us. and how much i need God, need help, need love. and how different the world would be if we could all really feel it in our bones & live out of that place more freely, more fully. not so that we’d be happy clappeys with no sense of pain, but rather that we’d know, when we’re standing by the fridge with a turkey carcass in our hands, that there’s a better way.

a way of need. a way of love. a way of hope. the way of resurrection.

* * * * *

a few other quick things:

i had the honor of being part of she loves magazine for easter sunday. the piece i wrote is called she can’t be silenced. there are some really beautiful voices and hearts over there, check it out.
i will be in seattle this thursday-friday-saturday for the inhabit conference, hosted by parish collective, transFORM network & mars hill graduate school. focus is centered around my favorite topics: practice, presence, place. looking forward to being part & seeing a bunch of fun friends. hoping my back holds out okay. if you’re coming, let me know.
i just bought one of these, a little easter present to myself this year. david hayward is one of my favorite reads, all his stuff is so good.

belonging.

Posted on Mar 8, 2011 in ex good christian women, healing, identity, relationships, spiritual formation, the carnival in my head | 10 comments

this post is part of the march synchroblog, multiple bloggers writing on the same subject. this month’s topic is in the spirit of lent–the wilderness experience. you can check out links from other bloggers at the bottom of this post.

* * * * *

“our level of belonging can never exceed our level of self-acceptance” – brene brown

this past saturday night at the refuge we talked about the season of lent & what it means for us. it’s just a weird coincidence but our 40 day theme at the refuge is “into the wild”. in our community, there’s a wide range of feelings about God, from angry to ambivalent to passionate to loving to a whole long list of expletives. i love people’s honesty, but it is so different to so many other church-y experiences i have been part of over the years where there’s a general assumption that most everyone there is somehow excited & looking forward to “connecting with God more deeply and intentionally.” i shared that my one hope for each of us during the next 40 days is some how, some way, we’d become more comfortable in our own skin and in our relationship with God.

to me, lent is a stripping away season to get to more of the essence of who we are, who God is. i don’t think this is the only time it happens, hopefully we are always in that process. to me, that’s sort of the purpose of “the church” no matter the shape or form it takes–to help us grow in love for God, others, ourselves.

i love what joan chittister says about lent:

“It is a call to remember who we are and where we have come from and why. the voice of lent is the cry to become new again, to live on newly no matter what our life has been like until now and to live fully. it is even more than that. it is the promise of mercy, the guarantee of new life. it is the resin that keeps our souls melded to the Spirit within–despite the pull of chaos and waste and superficialities on our spiritual moorings. lent is our salvation from the depths of nothingness. it is our guide to the more of life.” – from the liturgical year

today is also international women’s day. i’ve written about it before here & here & here. every time i think about the injustices against women across the world while we are here haggling over a few bible verses that entire oppressive systems have been built on, i go a little nutty. it always reminds me that the church of Jesus Christ, which in my opinion should be the free-est, wild-est, most-grace-empowered group of people on the planet, is somehow one that has taught an awful lot of people to never feel fully loved, fully accepted. we are good at teaching about rules & things people are supposed to believe, but we are really cruddy at helping people–men and women–feel loved, valued, accepted in the deepest places of their heart.

knowing it in our heads is one thing. knowing it in our hearts and experience is quite another. brene brown, in the gifts of imperfection, says: “belonging is innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it…our level of belonging can never exceed our level of self-acceptance”. i have come to think this issue of belonging & self-acceptance is one of the primary issues that people struggle with. there’s so much loneliness, disconnectedness, shame, self-hatred & anger-toward-ourselves floating around in the human experience. it’s the root of every addiction, whether that be to drugs, alcohol, work, church, porn, food, people, unhealthy relationships, you name it. underneath all our numbing mechanisms runs a strong current of not being able to love and accept ourselves.

i remember years ago when i first read brennan manning’s book abba’s child and how deeply it touched my soul. he put to words what i was feeling inside; i often felt like an imposter, a fraud, and that any minute i was going to be found out. i had a lot of friends but no intimate connection. i wanted the deep parts of me to be loved by myself & others & God, too, but i was too scared to open myself up to that possibility. self-hatred was a lot more comfortable than self-acceptance. i never felt like enough. or like i was too much.

now, after a lot of years of healing in community, i do feel a deep level of self-acceptance that i have never experienced before. i feel more comfortable in my own skin, more accepting of my paradoxes, more kind toward myself & more kind toward God. as part of the refuge & in my marriage & my friendships, i can say that i feel like i truly belong and can bring the real me to the table. in some other circles, though, i don’t have that freedom yet. i have this weird sense that i’m supposed to be something other than me so i often end up feeling disconnected & insecure. it reminds me that there’s still a need for greater healing and transformation in me, more soul work to be done so i can be more free.

the reason i bring this up here is that my heart for people is that we would all feel more loved and accepted and we would be able to live out of a place of freedom and hope instead of insecurity and fear. part of entering into the wilderness for the lent season is opening ourselves up to be strengthened and transformed by God. we get in touch with the reality of our souls & let God’s spirit in to deep places that need change.

this isn’t self-indulgent. we love our neighbors as ourselves. no wonder the world’s so messed up. the more truly free, loving, kind, and grace-filled people we become, the more others around us will be touched by that love, too.

i don’t think there’s a magic formula to self-acceptance, but i know for me, it starts with grace and accepting my humanness, with all my strengths & all my weaknesses. not expecting everything to be gone in a rush but rather, coming face to face with the reality that continual, ongoing transformation was always the idea. Jesus, in the wilderness for 40 days, was tempted with an easy way out and he could have taken it. but he stayed the course, felt the feelings, and came out on the other side strengthened for the next leg of the journey.

there’s a part of me that says “i don’t want to go into the wilderness for the next 40 days.” i’m tired of stripping, strengthening, and transforming. i’d much rather watch modern family on hulu plus and down a big bag of salt & vinegar chips and a diet coke. but i know, somewhere deep down, that i need to explore another layer about myself, about God and what it means to belong…

so that’s the direction i’m heading into the wilderness this lent. how about you?

* * * * *

other stories from the wilderness so far:

patrick oden at dual ravens – musings
katherine gunn at truth makes freedom – a voice in the desert: what is wilderness?
wendy mccaig at view from the bridge – a voice calling in the wilderness
emma nadine at life by list - life in the wilderness
tammy carter at blessing the beloved – put down the axe
jeremy meyers at till he comes – the gaping chasm of suicide
Steve Hayes of Methodius – Anatomy of exile
Marta Layton at Marta’s Mathoms - On Sabbaths, Mountain-Tops… and Brothers’ Keepers

shame, round 2

Posted on Jan 24, 2011 in healing, incarnational, the carnival in my head | 8 comments

the past few weeks i have been thinking a lot about shame. i wrote a post in 2008 that engages with some of my thoughts about it called i hate shame so you may want to catch up there first, but i think i’m ready for round 2. i know shame isn’t the most popular blogging topic; it’s hard to talk about it, but i think we need to try. i often share that shame sometimes feels like my middle name; it is a reflex for me, the first place i often go when i encounter conflict, dissonance, or even good things. it’s annoying that it’s still hanging around, but the truth is–it is. i’m human.

right now i am reading a fab little book called the gift of imperfection by brene brown, a shame researcher and speaker-on-the-subject who has some really excellent, soul-touching, challenging material without a lot of unnecessary God language.

to me, shame is the really crappy internal experience of feeling unnecessarily guilty, embarrassed, judged, and stupid as a response to certain interactions or experiences. the way it mainly shows up for me is an evil & ugly voice that mocks me in my head and inflicts damage on my heart, trying to put me down, make me feel stupid, and rob me of hope.

here’s what it can look like for me: right now, i am wrestling with feeling shame for being sick. these kinds of thoughts are rattling around: “it is my fault that my back broke and if only i had been more this or more that it wouldn’t have happened…this is my payback for starting to feel better about myself these past few years…i deserve this so i can be put back in my place…i have somehow failed myself, my family, even God. in my family of origin there’s a really strong thread of you’re-not-allowed-to-be-sick & people-who-are-sick-are-doing-something-wrong messages. coupled with reality that i push myself too hard & do too much, it makes for a potent shame cocktail.

shame doesn’t only show up in the bad things, either. often, it’s mean to me in the good things, too.

i am currently in the editing process of a book project that i am very excited about because it sort of dropped in my lap and forced me to get off my butt and put what i’m passionate about together in a comprehensive way. this is a gift, and i am thankful. at the same time, it is sometimes difficult for me to receive good things like this freely. shame tries to rob me of it. here’s what my head has been battling my heart with ever since this project started: “who do you think you are? you’ve got this little community that no one really cares about anyway. just give it up already, get a real job, and quit thinking you have something to say…” and that’s definitely just the short version.

shame is usually not rational.

i can rationalize any of these statements in my head, tell myself all the ways they aren’t true. the reality is that in my heart, the place where i live from, they don’t go away so easy. brene brown talks about developing “shame resilience” to find our way through shame. i love this thought because it implies that shame is going to come but there are ways to navigate it. she believes that part of cultivating shame resilience is to “name it, talk about it, own your story, tell your story.”

that has been my experience, too. it’s why i am so passionate about cultivating community spaces for honesty & story-telling & heart-sharing. the more i am able to notice my shame, own it, and bravely talk about it instead of resist it, rationalize it or think it will just magically dissipate, the more free i become. every time i share honestly in a little pocket of love, some of shame’s power is released and God’s healing seeps in. i can see how the distance that i stay stuck in shame keeps decreasing over time. yep, it obviously still comes, but as i grow in connection, resiliency & identity, it just doesn’t last as long.

last september at our monthly refuge advocates gathering we focused on shame. i love being in a community where men & women are in the same room sharing real life experiences. it is so pretty! shame crosses gender, that’s for sure, and we each connected with different ways it is present it is for us & how it can get in the way of being advocates. the part that i value the most, though, is that the more we get in touch with shame, the more real we become. and the more real we can become, the safer we are in our relationships with others, too.

to me, any conversation around missional ministry has to address issues of shame.

shame is a universal human experience; resisting it or pretending it doesn’t exist isn’t helpful. people and systems who resist shame and pretend it’s not there or ignore it because they are scared to address it tend to be unsafe people. i think this is why so many churches are fairly unsafe–they are filled with people trying to resist shame (or heap it on), with no real places to let it out so they end up multiplying it. the focus on quick spiritual fixes for complicated feelings just creates more shame for most people i know. i have felt it myself & heard many people share how often they feel shame for feeling shame!

for our advocates gathering i shared a list of feelings that can be associated with shame:

alienated, inadequate, helpless, powerless, defenseless, weak, insecure, uncertain, shy, ineffectual, inferior, flawed, exposed, unworthy, hurt, intimidated, defeated, rejected, dumped, rebuffed, stupid, bizarre, odd, peculiar, different.

yikes! connect with any of these?

when i look at this list, i am struck with just how familiar many of these feelings sometimes are to me & so many honest people i know. i also don’t think we have to be stuck with them forever. or that they have to last as long & ruin us. i believe part of spiritual emotional transformation & healing over time brings less shame, more freedom. less despair, more hope. less fear, more courage. less anxiety, more peace. less self-rejection, more feeling comfortable in our own skin. i do not believe that God’s heart is not for us to live in on-going shame.

when we have a safe space to speak the truth of what we’re really thinking and feeling and share our stories, shame loses its power and God’s love & hope have room to grow.

to me, an integral purpose of transforming community is to learn the ways of Love together, to practice the hard things Jesus calls us to, and to be a safe space to share the stuff of real life. these can take all different shapes & forms, but honesty & authenticity must be at its core. most humans struggle in some shape or form with shame, yet, often “the church” doesn’t quite know what to do with it on a practical level. waiting until people implode & then sending them to therapy isn’t the answer.

we’re supposed to have places we can learn this for free. together. men, women, young, old, rich, poor, educated, uneducated–shame crosses all these differences.

often, we think we’re the only ones. or that we somehow we deserve it. and that if others knew what was really churning & burning inside they’ll ditch us.

it seems like the more we resist shame & work hard to keep it hidden, the more trouble it brings in the form of loneliness, depression, addictions, self-hatred, rage, and a whole host of not-so-great-things.

i really do hope we can keep changing this, that we’d become people & communities who walk in truth & love & hope and become really good at cultivating shame resilience.

i’d love to hear some of your thoughts on shame, what this stirs up in you. please don’t leave me hanging, ha ha.

all things blog

Posted on Jan 3, 2011 in the carnival in my head | 10 comments

happy new year! as i mentioned in my last post, the carnival in my head just celebrated its 3 year birthday. every year i re-evaluate and wonder if i’ll keep it going or not. some days i think i’ve said everything i want to say & then other days i get a host of new fun ideas i want to try here. i think i’ll stick around in 2011. i am so thankful for each of you–those who read & comment, those who read & email, those who read & tell me in person what parts you liked (or didn’t, ha ha) & those who read & never make yourself known. the primary purpose of this blog was always to help some people feel less alone, to stir up some challenging thoughts & to share whatever i am learning or wrestling with along the way related to life & church & faith.

i don’t think i’ve ever done this before (but sometimes i forget) so i thought i’d do a little summary of the past year & also a little dreaming for 2011.

most read posts of 2011:

#1. a nifty chart for the journey: stages in our life of faith – this 2008 post continues to get a lot of love. i think so many of us can identify with the wall, the journey inward & the journey outward that follows.

#2. wrestling with the word christian – a video conversation. this was the first of 3 video interviews i did with my friend john. it stirred up a lot of lively discussion, that’s for sure.

#3. drinking the company kool-aid – a rant, this one got a lot of traction from both perspectives. many of us connected with the sadness of these stats & just how truly messed up “christian womanhood” is, others chalked it up to me being angry and bitter.

#4. the difference between “building churches” and “cultivating communities” - this is still one of my favorite posts about church cultivation. i hope more communities are cultivated, less churches built in the years to come

#5. Jesus school – not the most inspiring in town. i am constantly reminded how hard it is to be a student in Jesus school.

#6. dignity restorers – i was only going to post the top 5, but this was one of my favorite posts of the year, a letter to the north american church as part of the 8th letter synchroblog hosted by rachel held evans.

oh well, i’ll just do 7 through 10, too:

#7. Jesus & “excellence”

#8. “the kingdom isn’t going to just drop out of the sky”

#9. it’s easy to be against health care reform when you have insurance

#10. rethinking the word “pastor”

one thing i’m really happy about related to blogging in 2010 is the revival of the monthly synchroblog. my friends liz dyer & sonja andrews stepped up to help organize & i love reading the wide variety of posts each month. there’s an open invite to anyone who wants to participate, so if you’re interested, join the facebook group or check out the synchroblog site.

i have been writing every month or so for communitas collective. some are re-posts from here, some are new thoughts. i think my favorite original post there was: it’s about the people, people.

so, there you have it, a very quick recap of 2010 here. over the next month i need to update my blog roll. i am not the best at keeping up with lots of blogs regularly but i try to read when i can & there are some new voices i don’t have listed yet.

for 2011, the only things i know i want to do for sure are:

1. more video conversations here and there, i need to get a better microphone first

2. a few more interviews for a view from the margins & out of the darkness

3. a series on the beatitudes in practice

4. a series on advocacy, based on the monthly group we have at the refuge that’s focused on cultivating skills & passion for journeying with people in hard places.

4. a series on 8 ways to shrink a church, one of my all-time favorite refuge blog posts

5. most importantly, what would you like to see explored here? let me know, i’m always open to input & your feedback really helps! you can put it in the comment section or send me an email.

lots of love for the new year. again, thank you for reading & for caring about some of the things i care about, too. it makes me feel far less alone.

looking back, looking forward

Posted on Dec 30, 2010 in just because i thought it was fun, the carnival in my head | 5 comments

oh i am glad 2010 is over. it’s been the weirdest year. unexpected health issues, woes of parenting teenagers, and just the regular ups and downs of real life have really taken their toll. i am continuing to heal from back surgery but it is very slow going & frustrating. i have moments where the reality of it all sets in and i just start to cry. overall, though, there were so many lovely, fun things that happened in 2010. we went to africa as a family, my oldest son graduated from high school and went to the naval academy, the refuge continued to deepen its roots & spread its wings, and i have been supported & surrounded by the most incredible people who love me so well.

at the end of every year i like to always take just a little bit of time to reflect on the past year & look forward to the year ahead. if you want to spend a little time on your own thinking through these questions, here’s the pdf to download

2010:

3-5 words that describe 2010: brutal, broken, freeing, tiring, $&@!!*^?

if 2010 was a book, i’d title it… “what i would give to be able to sit“

i am really glad i… 1. was able to be part of transFORM network’s east coast gathering. such good people, so many lovely dreams being cultivated. 2. took my family to africa, 3. practiced receiving.

something that really surprised me was… how much i love walking. i was always someone who liked to run because it was fast & i thought “why waste time walking?” the truth is i’d always run for a few weeks and then not go again for 6 months. i have walked pretty much every single day since mid-august & it has kept me sane. there’s an annoying but lovely metaphor in there for me.

the most brave thing i did this year was… listen to my doctors and do what they told me to do. i didn’t drive or sit for over 2 months. it doesn’t seem very brave but the truth is it takes a lot for me to humble myself and follow all the instructions without trying to find loopholes.

an image or icon that describes this year…. a burning house with me on the outside trying to put the fire out

i tried to let go of…. my teenagers. living in the tension of staying in & letting go has kicked my butt but been really good, too. i’m really thankful for them; they are amazing & teach me a lot.

i tried to hold on to… the hem of Jesus’ robe. that was the image that stuck with me the most this year, me on my hands and knees, reaching out for some relief.

i felt more hopeful about… simple-faith-and-love-in-action. that’s plenty. and doesn’t need to be defended.

i felt less anxious about… the refuge. it’s the ugliest duckling, the most beautiful swan, and the place i keep learning the most about what it means to love.

a relationship i feel extra grateful for this year…. jose. we had our 20 year anniversary in september & despite our sucky year we keep getting better and better together.

God is… off the hook. best shift i keep trying to make is to quit blaming God for everything & accept that the world is broken and God can bring hope & peace & joy & love & redemption in the midst of all the things i wish weren’t so.

a gift i received this year that i want to keep… my back makes life s-l-o-w-e-r

a gift i received this year that i want to give away… my back makes life s-l-o-w-e-r

2011:

words i hope describe this upcoming year… healing, freedom, risky

something new i really want to try… i am excited to take some classes toward getting certified as an addictions counselor, something i’ve wanted to do for a while & have some dreams for. i was supposed to take my first class december 1st but had to postpone it because of surgery. don’t worry, it’s not that complicated & really inexpensive. wish i would have done it years ago and all these hours would have counted! i’m in no hurry, just want to very slowly chip away at getting it done.

this year i hope i let go of … more and more shame & the annoying ways it creeps in

this year i hope i can hold on to… 1. confidence, the real & deep kind. 2. staying in the present instead of looking to the future with fear & the past with regret.

a way i want to take better care of myself is… keep walking & keep my schedule looser

i’d really love to experience more of God’s peace in…. the moment.

a relationship i want to nurture in 2011… my relationship with my body. i’ve been a bad friend and it’s time to make up.

i’m going to need God’s courage to…. try again, there are all kinds of things that would be easy to give up on but i know i need to “stay in, tell the truth, trust God, and let go of the outcome” (best words of wisdom from a friend’s therapist; i use it all the time).

one dream i have for 2011 is… 1. to be able to sit again without it being a big production. 2. that i don’t lose sight of the dream i have for an adult orphanage/place of refuge (aka small apartment complex/hub for intentional healing community). i just want to keep saying it so that someday it happens. for 2011, sitting is enough. i’m dreaming big.

so there you have it, more than you probably want to know about me, my back, and life here. i do want to say thanks for reading & for the connection & hope you bring to me. this blog is almost exactly 3 years old & i have learned more through it than i ever anticipated. peace & hope to you in the new year ahead, too.