relationships
we need more cheerleaders
okay don’t laugh too hard at this picture of me. it’s when i was a sophomore in high school. and yes, i was a cheerleader. don’t hold that against me. i swear, i was a nice one, albeit a sort of klutzy one.
a little bit ago i spent some time with one of my dearest friends, deborah loyd, who founded & co-pastored the bridge (the refuge’s awesome & amazing sister church in portland) for many years before retiring & beginning to teach at seminary. i met her and her husband ken through a mutual friend in the first few months of the refuge & we’ve become dear friends ever since. she is one of my cheerleaders. she reminds me this work is worth it. she knows what it feels like to be a female pastor in the not-so-female church world. she knows what it’s like intersecting with pain day after day. she prays for me. she worries about me. she cheers me on.
i’ve been thinking about this a lot lately–how we all need cheerleaders, people who believe in us, encourage us, inspire us, and challenge us to keep moving despite the obstacles.
unfortunately, a lot of the time there’s a spirit of competitiveness among people instead of encouragement. i honestly think that’s because of insecurity. some get threatened–if someone else succeeds, what does that mean for those of us who don’t ? if they do their dream, what does it say about us never trying ours? if they win, then that means we might lose. it’s so messed up, really, our lack of encouragement & support for one another.
it crosses both sexes, but i have just personally seen it more among women because i am one & know many who have really felt the lack of support from other women. there’s a lot of snubbing, ignoring, dismissing going on that can really be discouraging. it’s bad everywhere, but i think it’s even worse in the christian ministry world, where the free & inclusive spirit of supporting & encouraging others to fly feels fairly rare.
if there’s one thing i feel more committed to than ever it’s being a good cheerleader for my friends–men & women–who are trying hard things & need love and support. they are leading communities, healing from all kinds of gnarly pain, rebuilding after divorce, returning to college, pursuing new career paths, cultivating their artistic passions, writing books, muddling through parenting their kids, and caring for their aging parents.
whatever their situation, they need good cheerleaders. not fake rah-rah, but people who care, encourage, love, support, nurture, and believe in us.
and not just women encouraging women or men encouraging men. we need more mixing! i can’t tell you how healing it’s been to have male cheerleaders, too. i need both.
so here’s my question to you–who are you being a good cheerleader for? who needs your encouragement, your support, your reminder to keep on battling even it’s hard? it may be a person who is going through a difficult time in their life, someone who is jumping into something really scary or going back to school or wanting to step into their dream. it may be someone who is younger, older than you, or exactly the same age. the question is–how can you cheer them on & support them in their journey? how can you pull them up, pray for them, love them during this season?
my second challenge is this–if you need more cheerleaders, ask someone. be honest. let them know that you really need some extra love right now, someone in your corner. it’s risky, i know. i hate asking. but recently i did–i was honest & said “i can’t do this book thing without your support. please, please stick with me on this one; otherwise, i’ll just be too vulnerable.” it was hard to ask but i’m so glad i did.
i am ever grateful for the cheerleaders in my life, the men & women who support and encourage me. the truth is, without them, i wouldn’t be here. i needed other people to believe in me when i couldn’t. and now that i’ve been doing this in-the-trenches work for a while i know that in order to sustain, i need it even more because otherwise, it’s just too freaking hard.
yeah, we need more cheerleaders.
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ps: here’s a post i wrote for sheloves magazine this month from down we go. it’s called why prepositions matter. if you’re not already a facebook fan of sheloves, become one here. i am so glad to be part of contributing monthly; their heart for justice & love & hope & peace & courage is amazing.
also, here’s a post from my friend-from-the-carnival-blog-and-now-in-real-life sam who visited denver & the refuge last month & has a really fun blog series about loving your neighbor. he writes about his experience here in this post–being the church in community, part 8, the refuge. i do love our little sweet community. also, if you want the most amazing cookie recipe ever, it’s here.
Read Morea prayer for practice.
“practicing what we preach” is a lot easier said than done! like most everyone, i’d rather preach it than practice it. it’s fun to talk about community, to dream about community, to advocate for community. and to actually live it is a whole different story. i am very grateful to live in a community that challenges me in a place where everything i believe-in-the-depths-of-my-heart-when-it-comes-to-what-Jesus-meant-about-love-and-life-together intersects with my real life. i am always faced with a choice–will i see it through or run from it? trust me, “run, as fast you can!” often rattles through my head and i start fantasizing about ways to escape the messiness of it all. but then i feel this quiet, deep, and powerful pull to stay. to fight. to try. to practice. to show up. to love. to learn. listen. to humble myself. to be willing to let God work in the deeper thing that has nothing to do with what’s going on above the surface.
so that’s where i’m at this friday. thankful for the journey. tired that it is sometimes so hard. challenged to keep growing and learning and play my little part in the bigger story. hopeful that God never leaves me, never leaves us, and is always restoring and redeeming what is broken and showing us a better way.
this past wednesday at our house of refuge we wrapped up our summer journey through down we go: living into the wild ways of Jesus. the last chapter is called “born again and again and again” and it was what i needed to be reminded of this week. i want to be a person who is always being born again. and again. and again. this is the prayer that i read at the end of our group and sits at the end of the book, too. i cried when i read it because i needed the reminder of what i so deeply believe and why this downward journey is really worth it.
i thought i’d share it here, too, especially for any of you who might need a little extra reminder of why you may have chosen this path. have a good weekend!
God, may we continually humble ourselves and acknowledge our weakness, insufficiencies, and spiritual poverty. May our hearts be soft, open, willing to be changed even at great cost to our security and pride.
God, may we radically include the forgotten, the rejected, the marginalized, and the oppressed as a reflection of your love. May our tables be open and welcoming, with Christ’s spirit binding us all together, despite our differences. May men and women, black and white, rich and poor, gay and straight, educated and uneducated, single and married, and everything in between, live side-by-side and be equally loved, respected and included.
God, may we cultivate compassion in our hearts and our actions so that the hurting will feel your healing touch. May we never be too busy to love. May we be the people who stop, who care when no one else does, who listen, bandage wounds, carry folks to the hospital, and ooze mercy.
God, may we boldly enter into deep and challenging incarnational relationship with each other to keep practicing your ways of love. May we get tangled up with other people, sharing the good, bad and ugly. May we be dedicated to people who get on our nerves and drive us crazy. May we share resources, carry each other’s burdens, and pray intensely for each other, remembering that how we love each other is how we love the world.
God, keep showing us the way, guiding us as we stumble, practice and try.
Give us courage to keep following you down.
Amen.
you can’t have courage without fear.
i am glad some of you had fun with the loving God different ways exercise. this past saturday night at the refuge we did part 2 and split into 10 different groups & spent the evening processing these questions: 1. what individual practices help you connect with God as a naturalist, contemplative, caregiver, etc. 2. what practices would you like to see us bring into our community life together? 3. what are some ways we could share communion together in a way that’s honoring to your particular connection? it’s amazing what beautiful ideas emerge from these kinds of conversations.
also, i haven’t forgotten the co-pastoring series, really. i got a bit derailed and haven’t had time to edit the interviews i did but do hope to finish them by next week.
meanwhile, i thought i’d share a little piece i wrote for the voca femina share party in denver this past friday night centered on fear. it was a spoken word so just reading it sort of misses the punch. however, i know that many of you are trying to find courage to step into all kinds of things–leaving old things, starting new things, transforming relationships, and trying to practice and dream again–so i thought i’d share it here. it was a lovely, inspiring evening as always; a free space to share beauty feels really holy to me. you can check out the pictures here. voca femina continues to just travel its own journey without a lot of tending to; the share parties seem to be where we feel the most energy & life. there are things that somehow just don’t quite work the same way online!
so here you go, a few things i’m learning about fear right now, inspired by my recent acupuncture experiences. that woman is a therapist-spiritual director-acupuncturist all rolled into one.
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fear.
damn it, i hate fear.
i wish i didn’t know it so well. that its tentacles hadn’t wrapped around my heart & my soul so deeply, sometimes sapping my courage like some kind of cruel sport.
fear kills.
fear destroys.
fear paralyzes.
fear maims.
but i’m learning something important right now about fear. something deep inside the marrow of my bones, in the blood that flows through my veins into my heart and my head and my hands and my feet and my eyes and my ears.
fear can’t win.
it tries, oh it tries.
but i must–oh i must–refuse to let it.
refuse to let fear win.
refuse to let it silence me, stifle me, wither me, squelch me, punish me, abuse me, paralyze me.
life’s just too short. too precious. too fragile. too beautiful. too sweet. too rich. too deep. too wide.
to let fear blind us from beauty and hope and love and peace and peace and freedom and joy and peace. and peace. and peace.
so what’s the way out from under its grip?
how can i move when i feel so stuck?
i must find courage. i must find courage. i.must.find.courage.
i know it’s there. it’s in me. it’s in you. it’s in all of us. yours helps mine and mine helps yours. and yours helps yours. it’s stronger than we think. deeper than we know.
available right now.
not once i do this or do that or read this or read that or know this or know that or figure out this or figure out that or therapize this or therapize that.
it’s here. right here.
courage.
lovely, strong, tender, mighty courage.
deep in the marrow of my bones and the blood in my veins and the ventricles of my heart.
courage, crying out–”use me. use me. use me. i may be small. i may not be as loud as you wish. but i’m here. i’m here. i’m here. to help you. to strengthen you. to move you. and just so you know, i may not look like it, but i’m way stronger than that ugly bastard named fear. quit. letting him. win. quit standing there yelling and screaming at him. instead, maybe reach out and make friends with him. “
you can have fear without courage, but you can’t have courage without fear.
you can have fear without courage, but you can’t have courage without fear.
that’s what courage is. doing hard things scared.
i can. i must. i will. i am.
you can.
you must.
you will.
you are.
- kathy escobar, from voca femina, august 2011
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God, help us do hard things scared.
Read Morefriendship, freedom & a lot less fear
“there is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.” st. thomas aquinas
uh oh, i’m on my “men and women need to learn how to be friends” kick right now. I think it’s appropriate in light of the shared leadership conversations, too, because it gets to the center of so much of what’s broken in our systems—both in and outside of “church.” we know how to be over others or under others, but rarely do we learn how to be alongside each other. yesterday a friend shared that when reading a blog post that someone had basically commented “well, i personally would never be alone with a woman because i can’t trust myself or her.” when i read this i felt sad for a few reasons: 1. it’s so common. 2. it’s so guided by fear, and 3. it’s so limiting. 4. it doesn’t need to be this way.
staying separated greatly limits our ability to be deeply connected in the ways i think God intended. we can’t learn some of the things we need to learn about life & love & people & friendship when we’re always living out of fear in relationship with one another. also, by keeping ourselves separated, we are perpetuating deeply grooved systems of hierarchy. in the end, we all lose.
the way to break down some of these divides is to learn how to be friends.
most of us haven’t learn this very well. a lot of our family experiences didn’t teach it. work often doesn’t teach it. many of our churches certainly haven’t taught it. so we’re sort of left to fend for ourselves and learn it on our own somehow.
against a lot of resistance. yeah, there are a lot of forces working against men & women learning how to be friends. patriarchy, sexual weirdness, negative church-messages & our own default-toward-not-knowing-how-to-do-healthy-intimacy-with-other-people all get in the way. my friend dan brennan talks a lot about this in his work on cross-gender friendships.
one of the reasons I feel so deeply dedicated to healing & recovery & the beatitudes & the 12 steps & transformational opportunities is that as we keep growing individually as human beings we can learn to be better friends corporately. it is true that when we have hidden addictions & are saddled with shame and insecurity & honestly just never learned how-to-be-a-friend-or-have-a-friend, we really can’t do these kinds of relationships safely, unless there is help & guidance. there’s just too much baggage that gets in the way. but, if we can find avenues for healing, we can start to break free from unhealthy patterns and learn how to do relationships differently.
in so many ways, i think that’s the big, beautiful idea of the spiritual journey—to become a better friend to ourselves, to others & with God.
the world needs people who know how to be good friends.
i think that’s what we are trying to learn in the life of the refuge community together. it is bumpy. sometimes ugly. and often scary. men learning how to be friends with men, women learning how to be friends with women, and men & women learning how to be friends with each other. to stop being “over” or “under” another but learn to be “beside”. across ages, life experiences, faith experiences, socioeconomics & a host of other differences. sometimes people say that they feel like they are in grade school, maybe even pre-school, stumbling and bumbling through learning how to be friends.
i love that idea because i think that’s what “church” is supposed to be—a place to learn. Jesus school. a container to be challenged. a safe place to practice.
to me, in another weird paradox, even though it seems stumbly & bumbly like pre-school at times, it actually is graduate-level work. and oh, so beautiful! to learn to be friends, real friends, is no small task. walking persistently with humility & courage is grad school stuff. real friendship, as Jesus reminded us, is “laying down our lives.”
over and over we will be humbled. we will be challenged. we will be afraid. we will make mistakes. we will need to give grace. we will need to receive grace.
but hopefully we will also laugh at our pre-schoolness & celebrate our victories & keep listening, learning, and growing on the journey together. i am so thankful for all i continue to learn through these deeper, healthier, scarier relationships with men & women, too.
i really don’t think living in fear was ever the idea. i think Jesus sets us free from captivity; the question is whether we are brave enough to try to step into it.
God, help us be brave & teach us how to be friends.
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ps: my friend john martinez, one of the co-pastors of the distillery church in new york, is doing a summer teaching series on down we go. i love their community & am so glad we’re friends across the miles. here are some posts about it:
- making a diverse, paradoxical, interdependent, with chain
- the kingdom isn’t going to just drop out of the sky
- casey anthony, we are really just like her
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when crazy is actually sane & sane is actually crazy
one of my favorite gospel stories is the woman who busts into simon the pharisee’s house in luke 7 and falls at Jesus’ feet, wiping his feet with her tears. in that moment, he was hanging out with the put-together, religious elite talking about theology. they were supposedly the sane ones, and she was the crazy one who disrupts their important meeting with her public display of emotion and gratitude.
the leaders looked at Jesus–“aren’t you going to do something about this? i mean, really, come on, we have important things we are talking about (like the religious law) and you’re letting her interrupt us?” Jesus, in his wild and wonderful way, points out the mind-bender–she gets it. do you see this, my friends, this is what i’m talking about. this is humility. this is heart. this is the big idea. this is what love looks like.
she looked crazy, but she was actually sane.
this happens a lot in the life of the refuge. i sometimes use the word “crazy” to describe our community & i get rebuked sometimes for it because it can be misconstrued. i think the rebukers (who do it in a good way, just so you know!) are right because that word can be misleading & i don’t mean it in a negative way. i use it because the refuge is wild, chaotic, raw, and unedited in all kinds of ways. at the same time, for various reasons many of us here have been somehow labeled as crazy in the broadest sense of the word, either because of life struggles or difficult experiences, mental or physical illnesses, or by bucking typical church or worldly systems.
from the outside many see the refuge as “those people”–the hurting ones, the desperate ones, the weird ones, the odd ones. the ones who need healing in order to get with the real program.
on the outside it can look like that sometimes. but on the inside, seriously, it’s more sane than almost anything i’ve ever seen. the word sanity implies soundness and health. i see, up close and personal, people who understand the kingdom of God in ways that supersede language and convention. they see what many others can’t. they love where many others won’t. they risk relationship where many others don’t.
rachel held evans, one of the world’s most fab bloggers, wrote a beautiful post called blessed are the uncool that got some rocking comments about the state of the church. it was based on this post about a special needs boy who was escorted out of a church because he was perceived as being disruptive. in different ways, it sounded a lot to me like the story of the woman at simon the pharisee’s house. in this example, this kid represents the outcast, the fringer, the one-without-the-proper-filter-in-the-moment that the church wants to shut down, scuttle to the side so that we can “get down to business about worshipping God properly.” when really, that moment has so much that we can learn from.
it’s not crazy at all for him to stay and be free in that moment. to bring his real self to the community.
to me, that feels sane.
what feels crazy to me is the church’s reaction in that moment.
in this real life story, the religious leaders thought it distracted from the more important thing–the worship & preaching in the service and that it would make attenders “uncomfortable.” in luke 7, the religious leaders were appalled for different reasons but the issue was the same–let’s get to what we think is important–talking about theology & picking apart the scriptures.
but Jesus upheld her disruption, her crazy act, as the better thing because it was about freedom. about humility. about beauty. about healing. about submitting one to another in love.
it reminds me how often Jesus did all kinds of things that made absolutely no sense to the religious system–touching lepers, restoring dignity to sinners, becoming friends with tax-collectors. all of it seemed crazy.
in a lot of relationships i intersect with–both in and outside of the refuge–many are applying deep truths about love & healing from intense stuff & practicing really hard relationship skills that are awkward & scary & messy. some people would say we’re crazy.
but in the kingdom of God it’s completely sane.
it makes me think of what apostle paul says in 1 corinthians 1:
“the scriptures say, “i will destroy the wisdom of the wise and discard the intelligence of the intelligent.” so where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the world’s brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish…God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. and he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important.” (vs. 19-20, 27-28)
later, in 1 corinthians 8:1, paul also has another little gem–”while knowledge makes us feel important, it is love that strengthens the church.”
and against-the-pull-toward-comfort, kingdom-inspired love looks crazy.
but it’s actually sane.
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daddy love
every sunday night we go over to my mom’s for dinner. it all started a few years ago when the refuge used to meet on sunday nights; when she’d come i’d give her $20 to take the kids to mcdonald’s on the way home for me. she hates fast food and after a few weeks said “i’m going to make good food at my house for everyone instead”. several years ago the refuge moved to saturday night but we still go over to her house faithfully every sunday for good food & cable tv. then my inlaws helped me on mondays when i was teaching a class a few years ago and now we still go there every single monday night for dinner. these two traditions have become a beautiful part of our week.
on sundays, when it’s someone’s birthday or special occasion, we do a fun ritual of blessing that we call “affirmations.” it was my husband, jose’s, idea. basically, whoever’s special day it is receives love & good things from every person there. we each go around and share what we love and appreciate about that person. it’s really evolved into something deep and meaningful.
in may it was my jose’s birthday & so his parents were there celebrating, too. as we went around telling jose all the things we love about him, it became his dad’s turn. my father in law, roberto, is one of the most precious, dear, loving people i have ever known. his only child, only son, is the treasure of his heart, and when jose was 4 he left all he knew in el salvador to build a new life for his family in the united states. when roberto started to share his heart for jose, no words came out, and he burst out bawling, overwhelmed with love for his son that couldn’t be expressed in words. it was a holy moment that i will never forget.
my husband is loved well by his daddy. and he loves my babies well, too. he is seriously an amazing father to our 5 little bunnies and has that same heart and dedication to them that my father in law does to him.
my dad is a good man, too. he’s got a heart of gold and is seriously sweet and kind. the only trouble is that he also hasn’t had a sober day in 44 years. not one. he lives in an RV in a trailer park in northern california and i only talk to him when i call him. he loves me. his heart toward me is good, but the reality is that he can never give me the kind of love, stability and support that i deeply long for.
it’s made believing in God’s love for me harder. it just has. i connect with my dad when i reach out to him, but he rarely if ever reaches out to me. it used to feel that way with God, too. like it was all up to me. i was pretty much on my own & if i wanted something, then it was up to me to pursue it. that message has created a lot of trouble for me in my life. it’s tiring. it’s sad. it’s lonely.
i know in my head that’s not true about God but my heart has wrestled with feeling differently. all my wacked-out-God-stuff isn’t all my dad’s fault, but i know he hasn’t helped.
then, a chunk of years ago i met my friend mike. we became connected through a recovery ministry and over time he began to do some of the things that a good daddy would do. he showed up for things i was doing. he told me he was proud of me. he prayed for me. he hugged me and told me he loved me. he listened when i cried. he worried about me. in loving redemptive community like this, part of my soul has been restored. he’s helped me restore some of my relationship with God & myself & my real dad, too.
his daddy love is what i needed.
in the body of Christ, we are supposed to be mothers & fathers & sisters & brothers & daughters & sons for each other. it’s hard to pull off because it requires intimacy, work, risk, trust, and a host of other things we are scared to do. but in the end, so much healing and transformation can happen.
i was thinking yesterday how the world doesn’t need more “strong men who can lead and take control”. the world needs more “strong, kind men who can love deeply & passionately & freely”, who are willing to risk their time and heart and egos and pride to love their families–both biological & adopted–through little-pockets-of-love.
i am blessed to be part of a community where men cry and love and care for others and participate in healing wounds that need healing. they reflect Jesus and help restore dignity & worth in places it’s been stripped. it can’t fully replace the love and presence of our biological families, but it sure can help this side of heaven. so many of us have been orphaned, physically and emotionally.
the world needs more daddies (and mommies, too, but it’s father’s day)
thank you, dear men who offer your hope, presence, and love to others. you matter.
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ps: this picture is of my oldest son, my father-in-law, and jose. i love this picture.
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