relationships

practicing friendship

Posted on Jan 31, 2012 in healing, incarnational, relationships, spiritual formation | 18 comments

* this is part 2 to the last post: let’s be friends. oh wait, we don’t know how to!

i wish learning new things were as easy as taking a class, watching a youtube instructional video, or reading the perfect how-to book that provides all of the answers. for fixing kitchen sinks, it probably works. for cultivating long lasting intimate friendships with others, not so much.

there’s no clear instructional manual for these kinds of relationships because they are complex. at the same time, the Bible has solid guidance on how to better love each other. colossians is one of my favorite books for that. when my kids were little, we used to have the NIV kids club videos & cassette tapes (yes, my kids are getting old) that were all about “singing the Bible and having fun.” i can pretty much sing the whole chapter of colossians 3 to you if you ever want a laugh! when it comes to friendship, though, there are some excellent words in there. the passage that comes to mind today is “therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience” (v. 3:12).

compassion. kindness. humility. gentleness. patience.

these are important ingredients to sacred friendships. they help cultivate grace, love, and acceptance, which are what so many of us long for in our relationships.

here are some practical ways i think we can nurture these qualities in relationships with others and bravely enter into new friendships–men with men, women with women, men & women together.

be honest about our fears. the more we can say out loud “um, i don’t know how to do this very well”, the better. it’s so much better than trying to pretend we’re good at something we’re not quite yet. in our community, we have so many people learning how to be friends for the first time we talk a lot about it out loud and just call it for what it is. honesty creates compassion because we can relate, we know the feeling, too.

lower our expectations. even though i love to dream big, i also believe in small baby steps of change rather than always expecting (and often demanding) giant leaps for ourselves & others, too. if we don’t shift our expectations, we can become mad all the time because things aren’t going the way we want them to be. meaningful friendships take a long time to cultivate. they don’t come quick, especially in the midst of our brokenness & busy-ness. this is why patience is such a necessary ingredient.

take responsibility for our own stuff. this is humility, a willingness to look at our own log instead of focusing on others’ specks. it requires soft hearts open to God’s spirit & getting honest about the patterns we might tend to bring into the friendship. as we acknowledge it to ourselves & God first, we can then be honest about it with our friends–”i am sorry that i….when i get scared, i sometimes act that way.” this helps us practice becoming safer people.

remember, everyone’s human, just like us. it’s a magical, beautiful thing that somehow God can bring broken, jacked up people together in love & unity. it really amazes me. but at the same time, our messy human-ness is always going to be at play. we will get hurt. we will get annoyed. we will get confused. we will get uncomfortable. the beauty is in respecting not only our humanness but others’, too.

don’t always do everything in groups. groups are great. community is awesome. but sometimes it’s really important to spend quality time together that doesn’t have all the wackiness of group dynamics. i think we can hide behind it, too, always going to “men’s groups” or “women’s groups” but never just hanging out in a more intimate setting. make time for it. it’s always worth it. eye to eye, heart to heart makes all the difference over the long haul & helps us become more comfortable in our own skin in the relationship.

get some help when we need it. this is one of the things i love most about our community. we practice friendship and get help when we need it. this looks like getting a few more people in the conversation to talk about how to do friendship better, what’s working, what’s not, how we can help honor each other more deeply, where we get stuck, and how to keep moving toward healthier connection. it’s what the body of Christ is supposed to be about, helping encourage and challenge one another!

check in. every relationship is different, but i do think that regular check-ins can be helpful in developing friendships. how are we doing? how are you feeling in relationship with each other? what’s working? what’s not? in developing cross-gender friendships, it’s extra important.

adopt a philosophy of “practice”. one of my favorite phrases is “we’re just practicing.” we expect ourselves to have so many things in this world nailed down when the truth is we are just learning & trying & practicing as best we can. to get better at something requires practice; it also means we will flub things up and blow it and need to get back on track. this helps with conflict in relationship because we can be honest and say “i’m practicing how to actually engage in a conflict with another person and not have it be devastating!” sometimes, too, we may practice with people who we end up not being able to be in long-term relationship with for all kinds of reasons. that’s okay. every time we make ourselves vulnerable and risk in relationship, we are practicing & learning & growing. that’s what matters.

i am sure there are many others, but these are some off the top off my head. when i read back over these, i can really see compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience embedded in each of these practices. yeah, without these, meaningful friendship just isn’t possible.

what are some others you would add?

God, help us become people who cultivate compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience into our friendships.

let’s be friends. oh wait, we don’t know how to!

Posted on Jan 24, 2012 in equality, ex good christian women, healing, incarnational, leadership, relationships, spiritual formation | 17 comments

“there is nothing on this earth to be more prized than true friendship.”

- st. thomas aquinas

remember that book, “all i ever needed i learned in kindergarten”? sure, some of what we learned when we were five would be helpful to us as grownups. but i’m also going to make a supposition that even by age five, weird friendship stuff may have already seeped in. some boys stop playing so freely with girls. the power dynamics of who rules the playground kick into full swing. cliques form. the weak are often already culled out. it looks different for everyone, and there’s no question we are a lot purer when we are five than when we are 35, but the same fact remains–friendship is hard!

cultivating healthy, strengthening, encouraging, equal friendships is an art, not science. and a very lost art at that.

in fact, i feel quite sure an honest poll would reveal that most people don’t have the kinds of friendships they long for. that most don’t really know how to do them in a way that works long-term. that some feel as inadequate now as we did when we were in junior high, even though they fake it better. that many don’t even know what healthy friendship is supposed to look or feel like. and that it seems there’s never enough time to develop them. i am also going to take a leap and say that in the christian world, it’s even worse. there are countless other weird dynamics at play in christian friendships that even further complicate what’s already complicated.

i know the feeling. i used to stink at real friendship. i’ve always had a lot of friends. i am a loyal person and have always hung on to friends–both male & female–through thick and thin. but it wasn’t until i was in my late 20′s that i started to become comfortable enough in my own skin to actually be the kind of friend i wanted. the kind that receives instead of just giving. the kind that is honest & raw instead of holding back all the time. the kind that makes a really concerted effort to nurture the relationship instead of expecting it to drop out of the sky.

18 years later, I’m still learning. it’s not the easiest thing for me to do. at heart, i like independence, not interdependence.

and real friendship requires interdependence.

a give-and-take. grace. intention. vulnerability. risk.

in church, we are taught a lot about believing, knowing, and worshiping certain things and acting certain ways. even now, with a lot of focus on missional living emerging in many churches, which i think is a good thing, a crucial ingredient is usually often missing– how to just be a friend.

an honest friend.

an equal friend.

a vulnerable friend.

a long-haul friend.

there are a lot of forces working deeply against friendship (not just cross-gender friendship but all forms–men with men, women with women, and across ages & differences, too.)

power. we know how to be under people or above people but rarely do we know how to live beside them. it’s a natural force of our Genesis 3 human-ness. often without thinking, we look for someone to control us or someone to control. if we feel “less than” or “more than” others it messes with real freedom. this is so unconscious for us that we don’t even know we’re doing it.

shame. sometimes we are scared to be fully known because if people really knew us we’re quite sure they wouldn’t want to be friends anymore. we give part of us but not all of us because full honesty is too risky. but honest sharing with a friend who can honor it brings one of the greatest rewards of friendship–the experience of grace. also, some people feel embarrassed that they never learned how to develop healthy friendships and it feels weird & awkward to be trying now. (it’s never too late, i know that for sure!)

independence. many have learned through damaging past experiences that “the only person we can really trust is ourselves.” and even if we don’t trust ourselves, we at least know what to expect. a “trust God and God alone (by yourself)” mentality is especially pervasive in christian circles.

fear. we don’t naturally like to make ourselves vulnerable . we don’t like to get hurt. and somehow we know we will if we get too close to another person. our natural tendency to avoid pain is always at play. i’ve lost a few friends along the way, and it hurts. a lot. but it was still worth it in the end because of what i learned through them. in cross-gender friendships, fear is even higher because for the most part people say it isn’t possible without sexual weirdness.

yikes, those are some strong forces working against us! when i look at this list, though, i have hope. i have seen it up-close-and-personal in my life & many others–healthy friendship is so possible! but much deeper than only my experience, these four things–power, shame, independence, and fear–are what Jesus calls us to break down so we can get to the better thing–love.

humility, grace, trust, and peace are all part of love and antidotes to power, shame, independence, and fear.

that’s really what friendship is–loving another human being more freely, more purely, more honestly, more fully. and being loved by another more freely, more purely, more honestly, more fully. it’s about loving and being loved.

and that, my friends, is scary stuff!

we’d much rather talk about almost anything else. and do most anything else.

and it’s probably why we need to focus on it the most.

i think a task for the body of Christ is to begin actively showing people how to be friends in all kinds of shapes & sizes. men with women, men with men, women with women. to break down systems of power and honor what it means to be equals, created in the image of God. to find ways to really heal from shame instead of just talk like we have and become more free & healthy human beings. to learn what it means to be interdependent instead of independent or codependent. to have courage to push through our inadequacies & fears and stumble & bumble into new ways of living together as friends. friends with God, with others, with ourselves. they are all mixed up together.

oh there are so many beautiful things to learn alongside each other!

what are you learning about friendship these days?

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ps: next post is part two and is a little more practical, but i wanted to get this out while it was swirling around in my head.

pss: my friend dan brennan is an advocate and teacher for sacred friendships. he continues to call people to break down the walls that divide us and bravely engage in deep, intimate friendship with one another. in april the first sacred friendship gathering centered on cross-gender friendships is happening in chicago; i feel privileged to be sharing there and would love for you to come be part of this important conversation! if you can’t attend but would like to help someone else have a chance to go, scholarships are greatly needed so that as many people as possible can be challenged to consider the practice of deeper friendship. also, they are pulling this off as a labor of love on a shoestring budget, so let dan know if you can help!

linear: never was, never will be

Posted on Jan 18, 2012 in healing, relationships, spiritual formation | 15 comments

* this post is part of the january synchroblog, a bunch of bloggers writing on the same topic. this month is being hosted by provoketive magazine and is centered around the theme of hope. the provoketive link list is at the bottom. that’s a lot of hope!

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Even before I became a Christian I had the crazy idea embedded inside of me that life was supposed to be pretty clear and easy if you did certain things. Maybe it was growing up with a single mom who struggled and scraped and believing that “if I got a college education, it wouldn’t be like that” or “If you don’t rock the boat, you can keep everyone happy.” The message of “Do this that and you can get this or that” was engrained in me from early on, and this was long before I became a Christ-follower. I sort of think it’s human nature.

Once I made the leap toward Jesus in my early adult years, the message was actually more strongly reinforced, only with a little twist of adding “God” to it: “If you do these things, believe these things, memorize these things, God will _________.”

Really, this kind of thinking makes an assumption that life is supposed to look like this:

It’s ladder-like living where we keep moving forward and don’t look back. One rung after another after another, somehow expected to forget what’s behind us and keep pressing forward to what’s ahead. With enough faith, forgiveness, prayer, and fortitude, we’ll keep rising higher and higher and getting better and better. It’s formulaic and if you just do the right things, the right things will come together.

Yeah, it didn’t work so well for me. As much as I secretly long for “linear” my life was anything but. In fact, my life has always felt a lot more like this:

Look familiar?

About 16 years ago I heard a very wise woman named Jan Frank speak at a women’s retreat. I have no idea what she’s doing these days, but I will always remember this imagery. She shared that even though we long for life to be linear, and to be healed quickly from things in the past or negative messages about ourselves, it just doesn’t work that way. Rather, over the course of our lives we will continually hit our “stuff” over and over again, but each time at a new place.

The model she shared looked like this:

The spiral is bringing me hope right now. Sometimes longing and hoping and wishing and begging for life to be linear can be so frustrating. I don’t want to still be saddled with the same messages I have struggled with for years. The ones that all-roads-lead-to for me are “I’m not enough” and “I’m really on my own.” As much healing work as God has done with them, as much as I know they are not true, as much as I can put them in their proper place, they still show up in my heart and my head and relationships. Meanwhile, I keep consciously and unconsciously expecting them to be done, in the past, and happily moving up the next rung of the ladder.

But I am reminded, yet again, as this new year begins that life is so not linear. It never was and it never will be. I am going to hit my woundedness again, and again, and again over the course of my life, but each time at a little different place. Instead of expecting the messes to be gone and being angry at myself and God for not taking care of it as quickly as I’d like, I am learning to lean into God’s ongoing transformation in my life. I will continually bump into these core messages, especially during times of trial and challenge, and each time God will work to heal and restore yet another layer that needs tending to.

Linear expectations of ourselves, of God, of other people tend to lead to shame, self-hatred, and anger. I think a lot of our church experiences have subtly and directly taught us that linear living was possible. In this model, we always fall short and end up feeling bad about ourselves. It eventually leads to hopelessness.

Thinking that life is just a chaotic, crazy roller coaster ride with no rhyme or reason to it isn’t very hopeful, either.

Accepting the spiral-ness of life leads to freedom, hope, and peace. It lets God off the hook and helps us notice “Yep, there it is again, rearing its ugly little head, trying to teach me something” instead of being royally ticked that we’re still struggling. This infuses me with hope.

Hope that I’m not a total screw-up.
Hope that there’s a bigger story unfolding.
Hope that God is always at work, transforming, rebuilding, renewing, restoring.
No matter how many times I hit the same stuff.

Hope is remembering that every time I bump up against my weaknesses and painful parts of my story, it is at a new place, there to teach me something really good about what it means to be human in need of God’s help and hope in a messy, broken world.

Yeah, life is not linear. Never was and never will be.

* * * * *

more hope here:

let go or be dragged

Posted on Jan 10, 2012 in ex good christian women, healing, mommydom, relationships | 21 comments

i ran across this american proverb a while back & then a dear friend gave it to me on a magnet for christmas: “let go or be dragged.”

it is so appropriate in more ways than one, and now i see it first thing every morning when i get creamer for my coffee.

i need the reminder.

as a parent, as a leader, as a friend, as someone healing from woundedness, one of the greatest gifts we can learn is the art of “letting go”. letting go doesn’t mean giving up. it doesn’t mean not caring. it doesn’t mean not being engaged or connected. but it does mean taking our grip off of things so tightly.

it means learning how to be less codependent.

it means trusting God is at work in ways we can’t see.

it means respecting our limitations.

it means practicing becoming better human beings.

it means being very aware of how much power we give to things in the past or the present that we have absolutely no control of.

when i think of church woundedness, “let go or be dragged” comes to mind. when i was hanging on so tightly to the past, i was the one suffering. i was the one pissed off. i was the one in misery. the people & systems who hurt me were perfectly fine. they had moved on but i couldn’t seem to. i was being dragged around by them even though they weren’t even doing the dragging!

when i think of parenting teens, it is also oh-so-appropriate. i personally think parenting is one of the trickiest spiritual & personal formation opportunities in our lives. it is butt-kicking sometimes, just how easy it is to get hooked in to unhealthy, nutty dynamics as a parent. there are times when i am trying so hard not to get sucked in and next thing i know, boom, i’m being dragged all kinds of places i never intended to go.

when i think of leadership, in whatever shape or form some of us might find ourselves in, this thought is a helpful guide. the struggle with people-pleasing is real for many of us, even if we don’t want to admit it. we care when people criticize. we take things more personally than we should. we can’t stand it when people disapprove or disagree. one of the biggest learnings of 2011 for me was practicing the art of letting go as a leader. of realizing that there are so many things beyond my control and i have to trust God & people & the bigger story instead of operating out of a place of desperation or fear.

when i think of journeying with people in the midst of hard stuff, this is also critical. learning what’s our responsibility and what’s another person’s is really difficult when a lot of pain & struggle is involved. gaining greater understanding of our responsibilities & also limitations is a skill that requires God’s tangible help and active-spirit-at-work-showing-us-the-way.

so this year i am going to keep practicing what it means to let go. to take my white-knuckled-grip off-of-all-kinds-of-things-that-i-can’t-really-control-anyway-even-though-i-think-i-can. to stay engaged & present & “in” without getting yanked and dragged into all kinds of places i don’t need to go.

what about you? what do you need to let go of this year?

becoming better human beings

Posted on Nov 11, 2011 in church stuff, healing, incarnational, leadership, relationships, the refuge | 20 comments

in the first few years of the refuge there were days when i really just wanted to throw in the towel. i often wonder why in the $*!^$&!(!)# i care so much about all of this. really. in the big scheme of things we are a little blip in the universe, just a teeny weeny pocket of love that is trying to scrape by and do the best we can. in the life of church-planting cycles, we are survivors. we have survived what many communities haven’t been able to weather. we have grown up over the past 5 years, not in numbers but in depth & width & in all kinds of ways that aren’t really measurable without kingdom-kinds-of-eyes. but we’re still young in all kinds of ways because that’s how faith & life is. if there was one thing i have learned in the past few years when i stopped always coming-to-the-edge-of-just throwing-in-the-towel, it’s that this kind of living requires a long, long view. it means weathering deep bumpy, rocky valleys in the road and having to climb big mountains without the best gear. it means letting go of needing everyone to understand and living in the tension of great disapproval. it means trusting that God is at work even though we may never see it. it means learning how to become less codependent and more free. it means having to chant the serenity prayer every day over and over and over again. it means holding on and hanging in and doing whatever we can do to remember that Jesus told us that this kind of life would be hard. but despite its hazards, it is beautiful.

at the same time, it poses another honest question–why work this hard? seriously. i know i have many friends who look in at what we’re doing and think it’s all a little nutty, how much we pour into this wild little community when we could take such an easier path. why have we chosen a road that’s so freaking messy?

trust me, i ask that question all the time. i imagine a nice office, an administrative assistant, making above the minimum wage, and being able to leave my work there instead of drag it home. but i then i just laugh because that is so not me. it never has been and it never will be. and this is somehow the little blip i’m dedicated to. that’s it. it’s not for everyone, that is for sure. but i am learning here what i don’t think i could learn if it were easier. i am not learning how to be a better speaker, a more efficient leader, a more effective manager, or a stronger fundraiser. those things are not inherently bad, but they are much easier than learning how to be a healthier human being.

i feel like that’s what i’m learning through being part of this community. how to be a healthier human being.

able to love and be loved. able to withstand adversity and still cling to Hope. able to hold on to what needs to be held on to and let of what’s not mine. able to laugh and cry at the same time. able to be mad at myself and kind to myself in the same breath. able to feel & hurt and able to receive healing & help. able to realize God is God and i’m human. able to have limits and also possibilities. able to fall down and slowly get back up. able to survive conflict and not have it kill me. able to be a friend & have friends. able to rely on others & also rely on God. able to trust. able to recognize limitations & able to still dream. able to give & able to receive. able to be vulnerable & allow myself to hurt.

i don’t think many churches teach this stuff. and i know why. it doesn’t sell. it’s not too inviting or comfortable.

but i think that’s what “church” should be about, really.

helping people become better human beings.

people of love, mercy, justice, hope, and healing. people who are willing to learn and fail and try again. people who focus on our own logs instead of others specks. people who lay down stones. people who are brave and scared at the same time. people who don’t give up but rely on God to sustain them through the twists and turns. people who are humble and willing to do the hard stuff and celebrate the good stuff. people willing to learn.

there are lots of different ways to learn it, it just so happens this is the particular Jesus school i happen to be enrolled in.

so that’s where i am at today. grateful for my humanity and God’s divinity. grateful for long-haul community. grateful for the 12 steps. grateful for the beatitudes. grateful for my dear & faithful friends who are helping me become a better human being.

we need more cheerleaders

Posted on Sep 7, 2011 in healing, incarnational, relationships | 16 comments

okay don’t laugh too hard at this picture of me. it’s when i was a sophomore in high school. and yes, i was a cheerleader. don’t hold that against me. i swear, i was a nice one, albeit a sort of klutzy one.

a little bit ago i spent some time with one of my dearest friends, deborah loyd, who founded & co-pastored the bridge (the refuge’s awesome & amazing sister church in portland) for many years before retiring & beginning to teach at seminary. i met her and her husband ken through a mutual friend in the first few months of the refuge & we’ve become dear friends ever since. she is one of my cheerleaders. she reminds me this work is worth it. she knows what it feels like to be a female pastor in the not-so-female church world. she knows what it’s like intersecting with pain day after day. she prays for me. she worries about me. she cheers me on.

i’ve been thinking about this a lot lately–how we all need cheerleaders, people who believe in us, encourage us, inspire us, and challenge us to keep moving despite the obstacles.

unfortunately, a lot of the time there’s a spirit of competitiveness among people instead of encouragement. i honestly think that’s because of insecurity. some get threatened–if someone else succeeds, what does that mean for those of us who don’t ? if they do their dream, what does it say about us never trying ours? if they win, then that means we might lose. it’s so messed up, really, our lack of encouragement & support for one another.

it crosses both sexes, but i have just personally seen it more among women because i am one & know many who have really felt the lack of support from other women. there’s a lot of snubbing, ignoring, dismissing going on that can really be discouraging. it’s bad everywhere, but i think it’s even worse in the christian ministry world, where the free & inclusive spirit of supporting & encouraging others to fly feels fairly rare.

if there’s one thing i feel more committed to than ever it’s being a good cheerleader for my friends–men & women–who are trying hard things & need love and support. they are leading communities, healing from all kinds of gnarly pain, rebuilding after divorce, returning to college, pursuing new career paths, cultivating their artistic passions, writing books, muddling through parenting their kids, and caring for their aging parents.

whatever their situation, they need good cheerleaders. not fake rah-rah, but people who care, encourage, love, support, nurture, and believe in us.

and not just women encouraging women or men encouraging men. we need more mixing! i can’t tell you how healing it’s been to have male cheerleaders, too. i need both.

so here’s my question to you–who are you being a good cheerleader for? who needs your encouragement, your support, your reminder to keep on battling even it’s hard? it may be a person who is going through a difficult time in their life, someone who is jumping into something really scary or going back to school or wanting to step into their dream. it may be someone who is younger, older than you, or exactly the same age. the question is–how can you cheer them on & support them in their journey? how can you pull them up, pray for them, love them during this season?

my second challenge is this–if you need more cheerleaders, ask someone. be honest. let them know that you really need some extra love right now, someone in your corner. it’s risky, i know. i hate asking. but recently i did–i was honest & said “i can’t do this book thing without your support. please, please stick with me on this one; otherwise, i’ll just be too vulnerable.” it was hard to ask but i’m so glad i did.

i am ever grateful for the cheerleaders in my life, the men & women who support and encourage me. the truth is, without them, i wouldn’t be here. i needed other people to believe in me when i couldn’t. and now that i’ve been doing this in-the-trenches work for a while i know that in order to sustain, i need it even more because otherwise, it’s just too freaking hard.

yeah, we need more cheerleaders.

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ps: here’s a post i wrote for sheloves magazine this month from down we go. it’s called why prepositions matter. if you’re not already a facebook fan of sheloves, become one here. i am so glad to be part of contributing monthly; their heart for justice & love & hope & peace & courage is amazing.

also, here’s a post from my friend-from-the-carnival-blog-and-now-in-real-life sam who visited denver & the refuge last month & has a really fun blog series about loving your neighbor. he writes about his experience here in this post–being the church in community, part 8, the refuge. i do love our little sweet community. also, if you want the most amazing cookie recipe ever, it’s here.