out of the darkness

out of the darkness: eating disorders

Posted on Jul 5, 2009 in healing, identity, out of the darkness | 8 comments

i remember about 4 1/2 years ago when a leader of the food issues group at a celebrate recovery group i was co-leading highlighted how little people understood about eating disorders. you see, after every one of our meetings we had something called “solid rock café” where there would be all kinds of food and music and a time to hang out with people afterward. she pointed out the weird contradiction for her group members by saying, “yeah, isn’t it interesting that every single week we put out in front of us our drug of choice like it’s nothing.” her job was to make us aware of how little we understood about real struggles with food. food addiction and eating disorders are so complicated because unlike alcohol or drugs or porn, we need food to survive. there’s no way around it. and for those that struggle with issues around it, that can mean living in a private hell.

meet my beautiful friend “audrey.” she has met her eating disorder head on with strength and courage. she has helped me learn more about my own struggled in this area and inspired me to be more honest and in touch with my real feelings instead of trying to hide them. listen in on a bit of her journey toward greater freedom from an eating disorder’s grips.

describe a little bit about your family and early spiritual experiences were like?

I was raised Catholic. My mother used to say, “Once a Catholic always a Catholic, but you may not be a practicing Catholic.” So, according to my mother I am still a Catholic. Actually, my upbringing in the Catholic church was very positive and I had several people in the church who were great role models to me during my teenage years. My parents divorced when I was five and while staying with my dad (holidays and five weeks every summer) I attended his church, Assembly of God. I first understood who Jesus was during children’s church at my dad’s church when I was about seven and accepted him into my heart.

you are very brave to be willing to talk about your eating disorder. what has it looked like, felt like for you?

I began using food as a coping tool when I was nine. I would be upset with my mother or one of my siblings and I would sneak food and eat it in the bathroom. It made me feel better. By the time I was in High School my disorder, which I’ll refer to as ED (Eating Disorder), began to morph into anorexia. I would go a couple of days without eating, while exercising for two to three hours a day. Pretty soon ED helped me get though anything that presented a challenge.

In my mid twenties an illness that I had struggled with since I was fifteen began to become increasingly difficult to live with. As the pain and treatment options dwindled, ED was there to rescue me with over-exercising and a daily calorie cap of 1,000. During this time I lost nearly 100 lbs. People were very complimentary of my weight loss, which fed ED’s ego and further cemented our relationship. The 100 lbs was never enough, I always needed to lose just 10 more pounds. Unfortunately, ED could not cure my illness and neither could the doctors. I ended up having to have all of my female organs removed. I added to my ED portfolio with a run of bulimia, eating as much as I could and then following the binge with laxitives for dessert. How I felt? Numb, completely numb.

describe what the cycle of shame looks like for you.

I feel sad, glad, mad, scared…I eat too much…feel disgusting…throw up, over exercise, not eat, make rules about what I can eat and can’t eat…the high wears off and I feel sad, mad, glad, scared…it all begins again.

what are some steps you have taken to pursue healing in this area of your life?

I told someone I had a problem. I sought help and found a group of women who shared my problem. I learned how to speak honestly about my feelings and actually let myself feel my feelings.

what are some things people have said to you along the way that they had no idea how much it hurt?

“God never gives you more than you can handle.” – I’ve been molested, physically and emotionally abused, grew up dirt poor, lost my ability to have children, endured countless health problems, and a lot of other things that I don’t have time to list. Don’t give me some platitude, just say I can’t imagine how hard your life has been and leave it at that.

“You’ve lost so much weight…you look so good.” – I guess I looked bad before I lost weight…and the shame cycle begins.

“It’s just a choice. Just choose to stop eating.” – Really...that’s like saying just stop breathing.

what are some of the things you have said to yourself over the years as you’ve struggled with your eating disorder?

If I could be my ideal (unrealistic) body size then all my problems would be solved.

I have earned a binge because I have not eaten all day or because I exercised for three hours.

All of my rules around food are very ‘healthy’…no animal products, no sugar, no fat, no carbs, no…

what are some hidden (or out on the table) assumptions that sometimes get put out on the table in the christian world about body image?

That weight loss is every ‘good’ christian woman’s goal. I’ve never met a ‘good’ christian woman who wasn’t on a diet or in search of the perfect body. What about being happy with our bodies, what’s wrong with that?

what are you learning about God? what are you learning about yourself?

He doesn’t really care what size my body is and I’m trying to learn the my worth is not based in what my body looks like.

share a little bit how safe community has helped you on the journey.

Through my recovery program I have made a couple of friends who know what I go through on a daily basis and who can identify with me. However, on the whole my friends cannot identify with my struggle which has lead me to have to do a little education. The important part of my community is that they are open to learning and that’s makes them safe.

do you have suggestions for people out there who want to learn how to journey with others who struggle with eating disorders in some shape or form? what should they be aware of?

The first thing that comes to mind is that the weight loss or weight gain of someone with an eating disorder should not be commented on. Any comment, even if intended to be a compliment, can be misconstrued by someone with an eating disorder. If you want to encourage them, remark on their character, their heart.

Weight is often a conversation in groups of people, especially groups of women. If you are in a situation were this topic comes up I would suggest trying to shift the topic to something else. The likelihood that someone in that group struggles with some type of eating disorder is pretty high.

what words of hope do you have for someone out there who is keeping their eating disorder in the darkness?

There is another way, a way that doesn’t involve ED. Please know that your life is worth saving. There are people out there ready to assist you in discovering what that way is for you.

thank you audrey for your honesty. i am continually aware of how much conversation and focus when women get together (and men, too) becomes centered on body image and food issues. no one ever seems to be satisfied. eating disorders go far beyond anorexia and what’s obvious. when i think of audrey’s story i reminded of how sensitive we need to be in community with each other, to not assume anything, to remember that all of us struggle in different ways and there’s sometimes more going on underneath than meets the eye. what’s important, i think, is that the struggle can be brought into the light so we can become more honest we can be about what’s helpful, what’s not, what hurts, and what brings hope.

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ps: i am almost done with this round of out of the darkness interviews but still have a few more coming in the upcoming month or so–”the “A” word–abortion” & “the other side of abuse: men in abusive relationships.” i have some other justice-women-freedom-church thoughts brewing that i need to get down while they are fresh, so look for those in the next couple of weeks. hope you’re enjoying your summer!

out of the darkness: the lingering damage of sexual abuse

Posted on Jun 29, 2009 in healing, incarnational, out of the darkness | 10 comments

so far we’ve heard 3 out of the darkness stories – self-injury, brave thoughts from a former abuser, and hope and healing from sexual addiction. i am thankful for my courageous friends who are willing to share their stories here on the carnival for the benefit of others. one of the worst things about pain & shame is the feeling that we’re the only ones who struggle. i have said it many times before, but i will say it again: we are meant to participate in each other’s healing & spiritual transformation. Christ, in the flesh, is what the word incarnational is all about and i believe that one of the most powerful things we can do for others is to be a safe place to let what’s in the darkness be brought into the light. ultimately, God’s spirit does the healing, but i think he flows through people in ways sometimes we don’t even understand in the moment.

today’s story is one near and dear to my heart—the lingering damage of sexual abuse. i hate– and i do mean hate–the ravages of sexual abuse. i can’t stand the way it messes with our relationships, robs hope, and tries to steal God’s image in us over and over again. the statistics keep changing on sexual abuse. i remember when it was 1 out of 5 people, then it was 1 out of 4 people. i don’t know what the latest is and i don’t have time to check, but i know that in the crowds i run in, it is much closer to 80+ percent, in some shape or form, who have experienced sexual abuse. i have shared here before that i was sexually molested when i was 14 years old by someone i worked with who was married and had a child. the seduction was very methodical and looking back on the whole thing it was a classic predatory situation of a young, vulnerable girl who was the perfect victim. for years afterward i always framed it as somehow being my fault and that because i had somehow partcipated in the whole thing that it wasn’t abuse. i spent several years in a very open and vulnerable women’s group where i still would say out loud “no, i was never sexually abused.” then, about 11 years ago i was reading wounded heart by dan allender “so i could understand women who had been sexually abused” since i was working with so many that had been. the Holy Spirit swept in and the realization of what had happened to me and the terrible damage that it had done became clear. i am still healing. i still have a tendency to minimize it because it wasn’t continual or in my family. i still try to forget, but the memories ignore me and come roaring in at the weirdest of times. i still can’t believe that something so important got taken from me and i felt like i had nowhere to turn for help. i still wrestle with feeling unprotected by God and people. and i know many men & women who know the same feeling but continue to seek God’s healing & hope.

meet “teresa”, one of my dearest friends & a sexual abuse survivor. she has had a huge impact on my journey & many others along the way.

share a little bit about what your spiritual journey, what your family background and experiences with God have been like.

I grew up Pentecostal, Assemblies of God, with Christian parents who are still married. Preachers screaming at the pulpit made a big (negative) impact on me. I learned about God’s grace once I started recovery in my adult years.

what did your abuse look like? what did you do with it (tell someone, hide it, etc.)

I was sexually abused by a very distant relative while my family was visiting on vacation. I was pretty young – about 8 or 9. During the visit I never once considered telling anyone because I knew it would upset people and “rock the boat.” As we drove away I was relieved never to have to face him again. Later on in life, I was sexually abused by my boyfriend/husband (yes, it can happen). I kept quiet then, too.

how did the damage affect you, your relationships?

It affected me in many ways. I didn’t see myself as having a right to make my own choices. I lived by the motto “suck it up” while in reality I was imploding. The damage done by sexual abuse is so extensive it’s hard to put it into words. The shame is so powerful, always lingering underneath. I think it just cemented in me the pattern already in place—being quiet, playing the part of the good girl, putting up and shutting up. I saw that played out in my marriage later.

when did you start to realize, “i need to begin to process some of this pain and hurt”? what did that journey look like?

When my marriage was falling apart and I couldn’t go on living like I had been, keeping everything under wraps. I went into counseling to get help with my part of the marriage and there I uncovered (rather quickly) the sexual abuse damage. It was a long journey—I was in intense out-patient counseling, went to a recovery group, read tons of books, filled many, many journals, and finally let myself cry.

what is the hardest part about saying out loud “i was sexually abused.”

Feeling like I was damaged goods and it was all my fault, also thinking people wouldn’t believe me. Those were the hardest parts in the beginning. Now the hardest part comes with the memories of the abuse and everything I went through to heal. It’s not right in front of my face anymore since I’m not married and not dating. Sometimes I almost forget about it. But it’s never that far away (i.e. writing a blog like this!)

how has your experience affected your relationship with God?

I grew up feeling drawn to Jesus, but scared of God. Through my recovery I’ve experienced a God that is sad and mad for what was done to me and wants to comfort me. That’s still a hard question to answer because there’s so much more to my relationship with God than just the sexual abuse. I still struggle with feeling close to God at times, even though I know his truths.

you grew up in “church” but it didn’t turn out to be a safe place to share what you were really struggling with. why?

The biggest thoughts I had growing up in my church was “I shouldn’t say anything to get anyone upset” and “no one would believe me anyway.” I don’t understand why they were they way they were. All I know is I never felt safe to talk to anyone until much later in life.

what are some dumb things that people have said to you about healing from abuse?

I guess I’m fortunate that people that walked with me through my journey of healing really didn’t say anything dumb. I was the one that was the meanest to myself, even while healing. I would minimize the abuse, tell myself I was making a big deal about nothing. Thankfully I had people in my life that didn’t let me camp there long, but it would still be a struggle. And when I surveyed the damage in my life I couldn’t even argue with myself that I had been pretty beat up emotionally.

what are some things you have cried out to God?

“Why did you let this happen?”

“Where’s the justice?”

“Help me really know you are with me”

“I want you to be here with skin on, right in front of me”

how has the damage done affected your relationship with God? with people?

I think my struggling relationship with God is not just because of the sexual abuse. That would be too simple. I have had a lot of other experiences that make our relationship rocky. The biggest damage to my relationship with people comes mostly with romantic relationships. I have a hard time believing I’ll ever have healthy intimacy with a man. That seems overwhelmingly impossible to me. I’ve been scared to death to be on dates, even to hold someone’s hand. The panic starts that early.

what are some things that have helped you the most on your healing journey?

Believe it or not, having safe men in my life that I can trust not to cross that line. Working through Wounded Heart (NEVER do this alone–find a group or a counselor). Journaling, journaling, journaling. Exposing the lies in my head outloud. “Kissing the monster on the nose” and confronting it head-on instead of tiptoeing around it.

what are some things that have been the hardest?

Dating. Thinking about dating/marriage. I always say I feel sorry for the man I get involved with. He’ll have to have the patience of a saint. There’s still so much crap that can only be uncovered and worked through when it happens.

coming out of the darkness and bringing shame to light is a huge step. what has given you courage to integrate the truth of your story into your relationships?

Having safe people in my life that didn’t run away has been one of the most healing parts of my journey. At first it was incredibly hard to tell people my story. It’s still not a walk in the park but it’s my story and has impacted who I am today. Knowing other people in the same boat as me and struggling with the same things in their relationship with God, with themselves, with other people helped me feel much less alone.

what have you been learning about God in the midst?

That he’s “close to the broken hearted” and sexual abuse survivors are definitely broken hearted.

what have you been learning about yourself?

That I will always be a “work in process.” I’ll never be completely healed this side of heaven but God has done an amazing thing by saving my life. I can’t imagine what my life would be like if God hadn’t stepped in to stop the hell I was living in.

what has safe, redemptive christian community been like for you?

It’s been my lifeline. Pure and simple. Can’t and won’t live without it.

what words of hope do you have for men and women who have been abused and wonder if restoration and healing is really possible?

Restoration and healing IS possible. It’s a hard road (sometimes it gets worse before it gets better) but the road you’re on now isn’t all that easy, either. Take the steps to heal from the damage of sexual abuse. It doesn’t have to control the rest of your life.

anything else you want to add?

Healing from sexual abuse is full of ups and downs, progress and setbacks. It’s messy, complicated and painful, to say the least. And it’s a life-long process, I’m guessing. But healing from the abuse is a much better option that staying stuck in it’s grips. It will suck the life out of you – at least that’s what it was doing to me.

thank you, teresa, for this glimpse into your story. every time you tell it, someone else is reminded that they are not the only ones. i, too, hold on to God’s promise that he is close to the brokenhearted. and as i think about this painful issue, i am reminded that those who have not been sexually abused need to remember: never, never underestimate the damage that sexual abuse can have on someone’s life. the ravages are deep & wide and it takes something that can never be replaced. and for those that have been sexually abused: you are not alone & there is hope for healing.

out of the darkness: hope & healing from sexual addiction

Posted on Jun 3, 2009 in healing, incarnational, out of the darkness | 11 comments

thanks all for your comments & emails from the last couple of “out of the darkness” posts. it is always so beautiful to me to have people connect with other’s stories both personally and spirituallly. and while we may not have had the same experience exactly, the part that we can probably most connect to is the fear of having our “whole self” out on the table with other people in community. sure, it’s easy to say “oh, i struggle with this here and there and i need God’s help with it” but saying out loud the full measure of our dark sides, the reality of our shame, and bring all of us to the table in true christian community, well that is not for the faint hearted. so far i’ve shared two out of the darkness stories—self-injury and brave thoughts from a former abuser. today’s story is an up-close and personal account from one of my dearest friends about his struggle with sexual addiction.

note: this is not appropriate for all ages or situations to read. he tells it like it is, and while i think it is so important for us to know more deeply what sexual addiction really looks like & feels like for the addict, i also recognize that sometimes it can be too much to hear or read. so, just putting that as a disclaimer and trusting that you will take heed & do what you need to do with my warning.

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meet my friend “conrad.” we met about 5 ½ years ago at a celebrate recovery group where i was the new & green & spirited associate care pastor and he was one of the leaders. he immediately didn’t like me. but we both hung in there, with me doing my thing and trying to be liked, and him trying to what he could to not like me. eventually i won him over, hahaha. we’ve been in the trenches together ever since. he’s shared his relapses out loud. he’s seen me in some of my all-time worse moments and still loves me. we keep slogging through this crazy journey together learning about God’s wild and crazy love for us & that somehow people seem to be the ones who help us understand it better. listen in on this beautiful story of what can happen when what was in the darkness comes into the light and God seeps in to reveal beauty & glory in the ugliest of places. (ps: he didn’t use capitals on his interview—i think i might have rubbed off on him—so, sorry, all-of-you-who-i-drive-crazy-with-my-lower-caps!)

share a little bit about what your spiritual journey, what your family background and experiences with God have been like.

i was the oldest of 4 children born to a woman who never wanted kids and a man who was a momma’s boy. both my parents were alcoholics. i was raised a catholic, so there was a lot of guilt and shame when i didn’t measure up. and, in my mind, it seemed that happened a lot. i was never good enough. as a son. as a husband. as a father. as a person. i thought God was always waiting for me to mess up so He could punish me and send me to hell. i never knew there was such a thing as grace until about 7 years ago.

when do you first realize you had a sexual addiction? what did it look like for you?

i suppose i realized i was a sex addict when i found myself unable to control my sexual acting out. at first it had been a totally pleasant experience, except for the guilt and shame that i experienced because of my religious beliefs. i guess when i was about 14 i was trying to quit my compulsive masturbating (that was my choice of acting out) and i found out that i couldn’t, no matter how hard i tried. i found myself doing it every chance i had, 4 or 5 times a day,some days more. i also read my dad’s “dirty books”. as i grew older it manifested itself in watching porn, going to strip bars and brothels. and of course using any female i could for sexual gratification.

how did it affect your marriage, your relationships?

it was always a barrier between my wife and i. i had always believed when i had a permanent sex partner that the acting out would cease. of course, that never happened. because i had such a library of graphic, exciting words and beautiful air brushed images in my head, my wife was not able to satisfy my needs after we had been married for a short while. i would fantasize about having sex with the images in my head and become detached from her. and she felt it. it made her feel like she was not good enough. pretty enough. sexy enough. etc. that caused problems in our marriage and i would try to reassure her, but she could never buy what i was saying, because my actions betrayed me. any relationship i would have with any female in my life was based on lust and nothing else. i never experienced real intimacy with my wife or in any of my friendships.

during this whole time you were very involved in your church, small groups, all kinds of christian-y things. did you ever think about telling someone what you were struggling with?

yeah, actually i did think about it once. it was just before i got married. my wife’s uncle was the minister that married us. i realized my addiction was going to cause problems in the marriage, so i seriously contemplated asking him how to kick the habit. but i was afraid that if i admitted i had this problem he would think i was not “saved” and tell her family and she would not marry me. so i kept quiet.the devil wants us to keep our secrets in the darkness and he will give us many reasons why we shouldn’t be honest.

when did things begin to shift for you?

i ended up in a recovery group, because of a failed romantic relationship. in the small group sharing, every guy said he struggled with sexual addiction. this made me feel safe enough to tell my darkest secret to them without fear of being labeled a pervert or made to feel dirty and gross. that was the beginning of the best stage of my life. i made life long relationships from that group.

what has the healing journey looked like? what’s been the best part? the hardest part?

the journey has been a bumpy road for me. even though the guilt and shame were somewhat eased after i revealed my dark secret, figuring out what had caused my addiction and how to get some control of the behavior proved to be a daunting task. i would start the journey, only to end up back in the ditch again. the best part has been healing from compulsive masturbation for almost 5 years. being able to look at women and love them for their hearts and not their body parts. the hardest part has been having to start over with my sobriety because of a painful relapse that made me realize that even though God granted me healing and had taken away the power of sexual addiction, i was always just a step away from relapse if i did not keep plugged into His power and stay connected to safe healthy friends. i think the reason this felt so bad was that the guilt and shame came back. the fear of having to admit failure, yet again, paralyzed me and kept me in bondage until some dear friends that could see something was wrong with the landscape of my heart pressed me to be completely vulnerable again. thanks to that love the chain was again broken. sometimes we just don’t have the courage to do these hard things, but if we have invited safe people to enter the deepest parts of our lives and given them permission to push back on our resistance, they can be the lifesaver that keeps us from drowning. i’m blessed to have more than a few of these precious people in my life. i needed to let them in on my daily battles and remember that it was Him and not me who was going to win this battle.

what part has shame played in keeping you stuck?

shame kept me in bondage. the church seems to put a lot of emphasis on the sexual sin. the bible constantly lists it as one of the “big” sins God hates. that shame kept me from being able to tell some one about my struggle. and that is where we stay stuck, when we can’t or won’t admit we have a problem. i know it seems stupid, but i used to believe that i was the only person in my church that struggled with sexual addiction, that i was the only person who had not been freed from my addiction when i was “saved”, that maybe i hadn’t really been saved because i still struggled with sin. i used to think if Jesus came back while i was acting out then before i had time to repent, that i would go to hell. it is so shameful and feels kind of pathetic to admit that a couple of female body parts could have me completely under their control.

coming out of the darkness and bringing shame to light is a huge step. what has given you courage to tell your story more openly?

it’s a funny thing. the story, that ugly part of my life, that i had tried, unsuccessfully, to hide for years, doesn’t have power anymore. once it was out on the table, for all to see, there was no more fear of being found out. after i first shared my struggle, especially with a woman, and received grace and love instead of shame and condemnation the chains that had held me in bondage for decades was broken by the power of love. it’s kind of strange but i have felt more love and acceptance after telling my story than i ever did while i was trying to hide it from everyone. because i’ve felt this freedom i feel it is my duty and privilege to let others know in hopes that hearing my story will give them the courage to come into the light.

a big piece of restoring our sexuality comes through healthy relationships with men and women. what are some of these relationships like for you now?

i truly believe that my healing could have never occurred without safe healthy relationships with women. i emphasize safe and healthy, because God knows i tried unsafe, unhealthy relationships with women for years, and the results were a disaster. the wound that lead to my sexual addiction was inflicted on me in a relationship with a woman, my mom. as i was around safe guys and was able to share my heart and bring my secret into the open i felt a weight starting to lift from my heart and my soul; but it wasn’t until i was able to bare my heart and all the shit in my life to a precious, safe, healthy young lady and be loved unconditionally by her that the weight was completely removed. the privilege of sharing my uttermost shameful, disgusting self with safe friends and being loved in return is the most amazing gift of God. these relationships give me a safe haven to keep me accountable, rejoice in my success and cry with me in my relapse. to be able to live in the freedom God wants for me. for the first time in my life i feel loved, unconditionally. really loved. God has brought amazing women and men into my life. friends that have been Jesus in the flesh for me. these friends make me feel blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

what have you been learning about God in the midst?

i never thought of God as one involved in my daily life. and i certainly didn’t seem him as not a coach or loving parent that was trying to help me with the struggles of life. through redemptive community, He has showed me: He was there when i was first wounded. He was there all the time i struggled and acted out. He is with me now, as i win and even if i lose battles. i’ve learned i can never do anything great enough to make Him love me more nor bad enough to make Him love me less. it really takes the pressure off of me know that His love in dependent on Him and not me.

what have you been learning about yourself?

i have learned that i am lovable and actually loved. both by God and others. that i’m neither all bad, as i used to believe, nor all good, an ideal i yearned for with no hope of being able to attain it.

what has safe, redemptive christian community been like for you?

i have been fortunate to be in safe redemptive community for the last seven years. it has been a new lease on life for me, and my life has been transformed. i don’t think i could every adequately express what it has done for me. i just know that my life has never been as rich and fulfilling as it has in this last season. with marvelous friends that i can share my very best and very worst with, and never feel the fear that they will somehow figure me out and leave. because they know me warts and all and still choose to love me.

what words of hope do you have for men and women out there battling sexual addiction?

you do not have to live in bondage, for the rest of your life. you are lovable. you are not alone. millions, both male and female, struggle with sexual addiction, just like you. God loves you in your struggle. i would encourage you to share your struggle with safe people and begin the exciting journey of healing. God can set you free. i’ve experienced it.

anything else you want to add?

as strange as it may seem, i thank God for my sexual addiction,as miserable and damaging as it was to my life and my relationships. because without it i would have never experienced the power of God’s healing or the wonderful life of redemptive community. for this i will be forever grateful.

thank you, conrad, for your courage to share your story with us. i am once again amazed at what God can do when what was once in darkness is brought into the light.

out of the darkness: brave thoughts from a former abuser

Posted on May 25, 2009 in healing, identity, incarnational, out of the darkness | 10 comments

damn, i know the bravest people! seriously. and what is so funny to me is that many look at our community from the outside and comment that somehow it’s not a place for them. “there’s just too much brokenness at the refuge” is a comment i have heard my fair share of. i think folks who say this honestly have no idea how much true wisdom and power and beauty exists in this crazy container and how much they would be challenged in their own journey if they just had the wear-with-all to sit, listen, and learn from these incredible stories of humility & change. over and over i am reminded that the the ways of the kingdom are contrary to the ways of man. we are strong when we are weak. we are blessed when we mourn & feel. and real, in-the-deepest-places-of-our-experience humility is incredibly powerful.

i work with a lot of women who have been (or currently are) abused—emotionally, physically, and sexually. so many women needing to make huge decisions about getting out, rebuilding, healing from the damage. and what is sometimes so sad is that i rarely see the abuser. the abusers seldom enter into true community, put their butts in the chair and start working their stuff. the shame is so great. the humility required for healing sometimes just can’t be mustered. but there are always a brave few who show up and begin doing the work. meet “ian”. he is seriously one of the most humble, sensitive, caring and courageous men i know. abused as a child, he then became an abuser himself. and against all odds (that’s what i love about God!) he is on a solid path of healing & redemption. we hear a lot of stories of women healing from abuse, but very rarely is this side of the story told. this is what can happen when someone comes out of the darkness and steps into the light & begins to learn in deep places the truth about God’s love. i hope it touches your heart as much as it touches mine.

share a little bit about your family dynamics & your early spiritual journey.

I was raised in a very religious household and early on the family rules were very clear. Whatever happened behind the closed doors would always stay behind closed doors. Family secrets were always to be kept above anything else and if the rule was violated you would be guaranteed to suffer great consequences. My father was a pastor, spiritual leader, and well liked among the Christian community in a somewhat large city in the South. When I was going through recovery early on I did some research on my family and traced the verbal and physical abuse in our household all the way back to my great grandfather on my father’s side of the family. I discovered that they were all public figures and well liked in their communities. Anyway I believe we all had one thing in common: low self esteem and being scared shitless about not being enough and being left to ourselves in the prison of lies that we were taught to believe about who we were. I accepted Christ at a young age and my father led me in the Sinner’s Prayer and then proceeded to teach me about a false God that demanded perfection. When you serve that kind of God you have no other choice but to create a false image so that you can survive an impossible life of performance and perfectionism. I was taught well!

when was the first time in your marriage that you knew that you were at-risk for emotional & physical violence?

It was actually before I was married and during the engagement. My fiancé who later became my wife was studying in my apartment and accidently dropped her pen and got an ink blot on my over-stuffed chair and ottoman set. I became enraged that she could have been so negligent and yelled and screamed about the accidental mistake that I deemed as a direct attack against myself. I demanded perfectionism from myself and everyone that was a close friend or relative.

share a little bit about the dynamics of shame and how they play a part in your story.

When I think of shame I think about it in the context of a fertilizer nourishing the seeds of destruction that the enemy sows into our hearts at a young age. Usually these seeds produce addiction that can later destroy our lives if we allow it and don’t reach out for help. There is a great movie out called Mr. Smith with Kevin Costner. There is one scene in the beginning of the movie when he is trying to kick his addiction, but his false self keeps nagging him about how much he needs it until he buys the lie and finally gives in. After he has acted out and is cleaning the evidence up he becomes greatly depressed that he has failed; his false self reminds him that he is what he has done and that there is no going back. To me that was what shame was for me. It was a death sentence that blinds you from who you are in Christ and what you will be in Christ. It is a very dangerous tool the enemy uses to keep us in bondage.

how were you experiencing God in the midst of all of this?

My faith tells me from hindsight that He was there loving me every step of the way and very interested in what was best for me. The problem was I was only interested in a God of quick fixes; but he’s all about the process so he waited until it was painful enough for me to listen. My relationship with God was very manipulative. I lived with the “ If you….then I will” mentality. “God, if you will heal me, then I will be good.” As silly as it may sound that’s what it was all about, a very conditional relationship based on works. I don’t believe that is the God we serve though I still have tendencies to fall back into that frame of thought

this is a hard question. how bad did it get in your house? who knew what was going on and what ended up happening?

It’s hard to remember anything but chaos whenever I went into a fit of rage. No one knew anything. My wife had told no one to my knowledge and was agreeing to our unspoken rule, which was ironicallyvery similar to the rule that I grew-up with; hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. But the truth was it was nothing but evil. I would verbally abuse with threats for the first three years and then in year four it escalated to throwing and destroying household property and things that she valued. Beating the dogs! Finally I grabbed her by the hair and drug her down a flight of stairs and then physically pushed her to the floor. I never hit her, but if she had stayed I am convinced that I would have eventually. By the grace of God for me and for her she left after that night. She moved out, never to return again. So if you are a woman in an abusive situation the best way you can love a man in that state of condition is to leave him, and not for a couple of weeks but for a nice, long chunk of time. You will find out if he is actually serious about changing during that time apart.

what led you to reach out for help?

The grace of God and hearing my wife describe the man that she had been married to in divorce court. I wanted to change. I wanted to experience true love, and I knew that was never going to happen as long as I hid from the pain that throbbed inside of my heart. After she left I was all alone, so I really reached out for help in desperation.

what started to shift in you, in your walk with God, with others, as you began the journey of healing?

I stopped lying! I became a truth teller no matter how hard it was and how much my pride was at stake. A very wise friend and counselor once told me that a half truth is a whole lie; that has stuck with me. As I told my story, began to be with other people being honest about their lives, too, I started to experience a freedom from the darkness that I had lived in for so long. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggled and it was incredibly painful; but I wasn’t alone anymore.

what were some of the hardest parts to deal with?

Memories…grief….and the breaking of my heart.

what has safe, redemptive community looked like, felt like, for you?

Oh community!!! I am glad you asked this question… I don’t believe we can survive without one another. I am not one to put a % on God and healing because that would be ridiculous, but I would say the majority of my healing has come from living in community. The deepest truths and the face of Christ has been shown to me through broken people searching for their true selves and whole hearts. Safe community is a place where I could go and be myself and share my thoughts or not say anything at all with out being fixed judge or asked to jump through some legalistic hoop.

you are friends now with a lot of formerly abused women; what is healing about your relationship with them for you? for them?

For me–Acceptance of who I truly am. They help me to see it a little bit more clearly amidst the cloudiness of the shame of my past. For them?–I have never asked, but I have seen them shed tears of hope. They thank me for sharing my heart and something beautiful happens inside. I can’t explain it with words at this stage of my healing but I will tell you it is good whatever it is…

step 9 of the 12 steps is making amends and asking for forgiveness. what has that process been like for you what has receiving forgiveness been like?

This is huge in the healing process. The greatest forgiveness that I have ever received is from myself. When you struggle with shame and condemnation the enemy can use it to continue to keep you in bondage, the enemy keeps reminding you of your past and you keep striving for the something different in the future. You fail to see the changes God is making in your heart in the present. There are a handful of different people that I hope to sit down with over a cup of coffee to share the beautiful things that God has done in my heart, one being my ex-wife. I have not been given that opportunity yet but I continue to wait patiently for God’s perfect timing. In the mean time I will continue to journey through the process of forgiving myself. I think the most amazing thing for me is sharing the really hard parts of my story and then watching an abused woman shed tears of hope that one day their husband or boyfriend might one day choose to journey down the same road as me. That’s forgiveness to me; everytime it happens the load gets lighter and I find a little more big T Truth about who Ian really is, forgiven, clean.

what words of encouragement do you have for men out there who have abused or are abusing someone?

When I got divorced my wife sent my sister a letter. It basically said that I would never heal from the abuse from my childhood, and I would continue to be abusive because “hurt people hurt people”. The best that could ever result would be to mellow out in my later years—late 40’s or early 50’s, maybe but no guarantee’s. This came from a Christian counselor that had books to prove and back her counsel I accepted this as truth initially and gave up on myself, but then by the grace of God I was introduced to a man that believed in me and loved me. Hsaid that those theories were only theories and books and what Christ had for me would defy anything written by man’s simple minds. Then he gave me this verse and it has never left me to this day: Christ said, “You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free.” It’s not sexy and it is very messy at times but I can see that it’s true; I can say I am not the same man I was 7 years ago. Christ truth can save you and don’t ever let anybody tell you different. Surround yourself with a loving community and the truth will penetrate your heart and you will see change eventually.

what words of hope do you have for women currently in an abusive relationship or healing from one?

If you are currently in an abusive relationship right now please, please, please leave because it will not change. He will continue to abuse and if he tells you it is the last time I will tell you from experience and being the abuser it is not true. God will give you a way out, but you have to choose. My hope and my prayer is that you will. Paul says it is good to separated for a season; you need that time to heal and grow and develop strong boundaries. I would say the same thing that I said to the abusive men: stay in a community of loving and broken people and I believe you will start to discover and see glimpses of your true self. There will be much pain involved with recovery and the pull to drift from the path of healing, but stay close, don’t give up. Springs of life will come from that desert place of your heart and experience.

your story is one of the most beautiful stories i have ever heard of redemption. what have you learned the most about God? yourself? relationships?

There are so many wonderful things that I have learned about this huge mass of love that chases me and you down daily in an almost ruthless like manner. There are so many things that I thought were true about God that I had to take a golf club to. I often find myself saying, “Who are you?” He is faithful to keep revealing little bits and pieces as I am ready to receive them. I think Mr. Beaver said it best in the book by C.S. Lewis, The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. Referencing Aslan, Mr. Beaver said, “’Course He is not safe, but He is good!”

thank you, ian, for your courage & heart to share with us. your journey is amazing & i know it will continue to stir up hope & healing for others. i also hope more and more men & women can find safe and redemptive community, a space to hear and feel and taste and see and experience God’s true heart for them, whatever that might look like.

out of the darkness: self-injury

Posted on May 20, 2009 in healing, out of the darkness | 20 comments

there’s no doubt, i could talk church & theology all day long; i think a huge part of the blog-o-sphere conversations are related to those two broad and never-ending topics. and while i always appreciate the different perspectives, the one thing that i sometimes think is missing from the conversation are stories. real life stories, God-in-the-midst-of-it-all & what-it-really-looks-like-feels-like-is stories. one of my favorite things on the carnival blog so far was the “view from the margins” series. i have a few more coming in & will share them when i get the interviews back.

but i have had a new series on my heart for a while. i’m going to call it out of the darkness; it will focus in on some stories from brave friends who are experiencing healing & transformation on their journey as they bring what was once hidden into the darkness. i believe that is a huge piece of what “church” should be–a safe place to bring what’s in darkness into the light so healing has a chance. each of these stories have one binding thread–shame. you all know i feel about shame. it is one of the most crippling, damaging, paralyzing, messing-with-freedom issues that people face; it is subversive, it is prevalent, it’s stigma is it’s-not-the-way-it’s-supposed-to-be-especially-in-the-church. the biggest eliminator of shame is the telling of our story in the presence of safe people who will listen, understand, and are willing to share their stories, too. so, here we go, over the upcoming weeks you’ll hear a mixture of journies out of darkness & into the light, beautiful examples of what can happen when Christ’s love shines into the places that often remain hidden. as always, be kind, be respectful, and listen well. and even if you don’t understand what it’s like, know that someone in your life, your church, your family, your workplace, your neighborhood does.

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self-injury has gotten a lot more press over the past few years. cutting & burning are two of the most common forms of self-injury, but there are other ways that hurting people find to injure themselves. the shame level with self-injury is high, especially in the church. i know a lot of self-injurers. in different ways, it seems like each one will somehow think they’re the worst, the only ones who struggle, the weakest ones who can’t seem to stop. like every addiction, the most healing moments have come when some of these beautiful friends meet each other & their stories can come out of the darkness and into the light with people who understand. shame & loneliness lose their grip in those moments.

i’d like you to meet sabrina* (like the previous series, all names are changed to create the safest space possible). i met her when she was in high school; so many people thought she’d never make it for all kinds of reasons, yet she stayed in, pursued God, pursued healing, and has a bright & amazing future ahead. she is a cutter. she is healing. she is passing on love & hope to others who need it. she is a young woman coming out of the darkness.

share just a little bit about what your family is like and how you came into a relationship with Christ.

My parents are divorced and I have two younger siblings. Growing up my father was abusive both verbally and physically. He never hit us when my mom was around, and he never hit my mom but was verbally abusive. When my parents got divorced my dad decided he wanted nothing to do with us; he told the judge he wanted no custody rights. My dad walked out and chose drugs and alcohol and girls over us kids. There is a lot of bitterness, sadness, hurt and anger built up in each one of us, but my family is not a family that is open and honest with each other. We all put up walls and paint on happy faces and go on with our lives. I am the only believer in my family, well aside from my sister who I believe knows Jesus but doesn’t seek out a relationship with Him. I came into relationship with Christ after my freshmen year in high school. I was in a new town and had new friends some of whom were Christians and went to church and youth group. I went with them a few times but it never really seemed like my scene until a few girls who were seniors at the time decided to hang out with me in the midst of chaos and darkness. They loved me well and sought me out. I finally started to question what was different about them, and that’s when I realized it was Jesus that made them different from anyone else I had ever known.

do you remember the first time you ever cut? what motivated you? what did you feel afterward?

Yes, I remember the first time I ever cut. I was a freshman in high school. I was going through a lot of really hard stuff and didn’t have anyone to talk to. I had a really big secret weighing me down that I didn’t feel like I could share with anyone. I got the idea from a TV show I was watching and since I had been drinking and doing drugs and those weren’t making me feel better I thought I would give cutting a try. Afterwards I felt better, for a moment. Then shame, guilt and regret kicked in causing me to only cut more.

if you are willing to share, where did you hurt yourself & what did you use?

I cut on my legs and arms. I used a razor blade from a box cutter.

everyone’s different. some cut to relieve pain, others to prove that they still feel, and yet others as a way to express self-hatred toward themselves, just to name a few. why did you cut?

Sometimes I would cut because I had made myself numb; I had chosen to avoid things and feelings and the result of that was feeling like I wasn’t really living anymore. I knew I was physically alive but I didn’t feel alive. Cutting allowed me to at least feel something, feel alive. There were other times when I cut because I hated myself. I am a perfectionistic people pleaser, and when I would fail I hated myself and punished myself. I blamed things that were done to me on myself. And when I thought about the fact that some of these things happened to others, too, I also blamed that on myself and thought that I deserved to be punished. I deserved to feel even an ounce of their pain, so I would cut.

how much sobriety do you have from cutting at the moment?

3 days.

in the past did you ever tell people afterward? why or why not?

There were times when I would tell someone afterwards but a majority of the time I kept it a secret. I usually only told when I had friends who knew who would ask me about it but most of the time no one knew. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I thought I was supposed to be past cutting. I was suppose to be happy and have it all together and I didn’t want to disappoint anyone by showing them I was weak, I still struggled, and I wasn’t happy. Plus I didn’t want people judging me; it’s a shameful thing you just don’t want to share with the world.

people who have never self-injured can sometimes say “well, that’s dumb, just stop doing it.” why is it so hard to stop? how is it like an addiction?

It’s hard to stop because it makes you feel good even if that feeling only lasts a few minutes. Like someone who does drugs craves the next high, a cutter almost craves that next cut. You know it’s not okay and you know it’s hurting you physically but you just choose to ignore that because it makes you feel better. Plus, it’s something you can control. While the rest of your life is spinning out of control you can control how you respond to that, how you make yourself feel better.

share a little bit about the shame factor related to cutting.

The shame factor in cutting is simple, people judge you. People look at you and think you are weird and psychotic, when truthfully you are just trying to keep yourself alive. You also feel shame because you do it knowing it’s wrong and it’s not the healthiest way to deal with life. As a Christian the shame factors into my relationship with God. I sinned and that always leaves room for guilt which ultimately leads to shame. I chose to cut instead of trust God which makes me a failure and the cycle continues to make you feel shameful.

what are some of the dumb things people have said to you when they found out you cut?

“You are psychotic”

“Life can’t be that bad”

“You can just stop.”

People have used it as a way to hurt me as well. They will say things like, “Well why don’t you just go cut yourself then.”

Then there are those people who don’t know I cut and they think it’s a big joke and make fun of it and the kids that do it by calling them emo or they will say something like “I am going to go slit my wrists,”, etc.

why do you think it’s so hard to be honest about self-injury?

Because people are to quick to judge, because it’s easier to hide self-injury than to admit that life is hard and that the pain you feel is real and valid. It is easier to stuff everything down and ignore it than it is to deal with things. It’s also hard because people respond in ways like I said in the question before making you feel worse than you did before.

what do you think help you the most in your journey to greater freedom?

Continuing to walk through some of the issues that still hold me captive and learning to rely on God’s strength as well as being open and honest with the people in my life about where I am at and what is going on in my heart and my life.

what words of wisdom do you have to share for parents out there who are scared for their kids?

Continue to love them. Get them help even if they fight it. Most of us want help we are just to scared to ask for it. Try to really talk to your kids about life and don’t belittle anything they tell you— something as silly as an argument with a friend or a boyfriend breaking up with them or whatever that may be small to you is a huge issue to them, and they just need someone to talk to. Be quick to listen not to give advice… most of the time all we want is someone to just sit and listen to us share all the crazy wacky thoughts that run through our heads. We want to share without the fear of being judged. Also don’t assume we are trying to kill ourselves and we have mental illnesses, for some that may be the case but for a majority of us it’s not.

what do you want other cutters to know?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! And that there is hope and a light in the midst of your darkness.

what are you learning to do with your pain?

I am slowly learning to share my pain with others as well as with God. I am learning to use my pain to help others. Even when I am in the midst of pain I can still help others and in doing so my pain starts to fade and healing begins to happen.

how is safe christian community helping you on your journey of healing?

I can trust people to share with them what is going on in my life, I can be real with them and they love me regardless. I am surrounded by people who simply LOVE ME and who walk right along side me as I journey through healing.

what are you discovering about God through your healing process? what are you discovering about yourself?

I am learning that God is strong, He is in control, He is fighting my battles with me not against me and because of that I am victorious because He is victorious. I am learning that God doesn’t heal me in a day; It is a life-long journey He will continue to go with me on until the day I am sitting with Him in heaven. He heals us thoroughly; he doesn’t just stick a bandaid on our wounds and call it good.

I am learning that I am stronger than I think, I am learning to ask for help. I am learning to be open and vulnerable not only with myself and God but other people as well. I am learning to have hope that cutting won’t always be a struggle, but until then I am learning that I can stand up and not give into temptation. Now, more often than not, I don’t give in to the temptation. That is what healing looks like.

thank you, sabrina, for letting us in to a bit of your journey. i hope that others who struggle on either side of this issue can feel a little less alone in the midst. it does seem, in reading this story, how the same elements are always present when it comes to healing in community–the importance of a container to share our real story without fear of being judged, fixed, or patronized with trite prayers & a lack of understanding. instead, good listening, merciful hearts, God-in-the-flesh and long-haul relationship seems to do the most good.

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ps: next week, out of the darkness: brave thoughts from a former abuser