just because i thought it was fun

looking back, looking forward

Posted on Dec 30, 2010 in just because i thought it was fun, the carnival in my head | 5 comments

oh i am glad 2010 is over. it’s been the weirdest year. unexpected health issues, woes of parenting teenagers, and just the regular ups and downs of real life have really taken their toll. i am continuing to heal from back surgery but it is very slow going & frustrating. i have moments where the reality of it all sets in and i just start to cry. overall, though, there were so many lovely, fun things that happened in 2010. we went to africa as a family, my oldest son graduated from high school and went to the naval academy, the refuge continued to deepen its roots & spread its wings, and i have been supported & surrounded by the most incredible people who love me so well.

at the end of every year i like to always take just a little bit of time to reflect on the past year & look forward to the year ahead. if you want to spend a little time on your own thinking through these questions, here’s the pdf to download

2010:

3-5 words that describe 2010: brutal, broken, freeing, tiring, $&@!!*^?

if 2010 was a book, i’d title it… “what i would give to be able to sit“

i am really glad i… 1. was able to be part of transFORM network’s east coast gathering. such good people, so many lovely dreams being cultivated. 2. took my family to africa, 3. practiced receiving.

something that really surprised me was… how much i love walking. i was always someone who liked to run because it was fast & i thought “why waste time walking?” the truth is i’d always run for a few weeks and then not go again for 6 months. i have walked pretty much every single day since mid-august & it has kept me sane. there’s an annoying but lovely metaphor in there for me.

the most brave thing i did this year was… listen to my doctors and do what they told me to do. i didn’t drive or sit for over 2 months. it doesn’t seem very brave but the truth is it takes a lot for me to humble myself and follow all the instructions without trying to find loopholes.

an image or icon that describes this year…. a burning house with me on the outside trying to put the fire out

i tried to let go of…. my teenagers. living in the tension of staying in & letting go has kicked my butt but been really good, too. i’m really thankful for them; they are amazing & teach me a lot.

i tried to hold on to… the hem of Jesus’ robe. that was the image that stuck with me the most this year, me on my hands and knees, reaching out for some relief.

i felt more hopeful about… simple-faith-and-love-in-action. that’s plenty. and doesn’t need to be defended.

i felt less anxious about… the refuge. it’s the ugliest duckling, the most beautiful swan, and the place i keep learning the most about what it means to love.

a relationship i feel extra grateful for this year…. jose. we had our 20 year anniversary in september & despite our sucky year we keep getting better and better together.

God is… off the hook. best shift i keep trying to make is to quit blaming God for everything & accept that the world is broken and God can bring hope & peace & joy & love & redemption in the midst of all the things i wish weren’t so.

a gift i received this year that i want to keep… my back makes life s-l-o-w-e-r

a gift i received this year that i want to give away… my back makes life s-l-o-w-e-r

2011:

words i hope describe this upcoming year… healing, freedom, risky

something new i really want to try… i am excited to take some classes toward getting certified as an addictions counselor, something i’ve wanted to do for a while & have some dreams for. i was supposed to take my first class december 1st but had to postpone it because of surgery. don’t worry, it’s not that complicated & really inexpensive. wish i would have done it years ago and all these hours would have counted! i’m in no hurry, just want to very slowly chip away at getting it done.

this year i hope i let go of … more and more shame & the annoying ways it creeps in

this year i hope i can hold on to… 1. confidence, the real & deep kind. 2. staying in the present instead of looking to the future with fear & the past with regret.

a way i want to take better care of myself is… keep walking & keep my schedule looser

i’d really love to experience more of God’s peace in…. the moment.

a relationship i want to nurture in 2011… my relationship with my body. i’ve been a bad friend and it’s time to make up.

i’m going to need God’s courage to…. try again, there are all kinds of things that would be easy to give up on but i know i need to “stay in, tell the truth, trust God, and let go of the outcome” (best words of wisdom from a friend’s therapist; i use it all the time).

one dream i have for 2011 is… 1. to be able to sit again without it being a big production. 2. that i don’t lose sight of the dream i have for an adult orphanage/place of refuge (aka small apartment complex/hub for intentional healing community). i just want to keep saying it so that someday it happens. for 2011, sitting is enough. i’m dreaming big.

so there you have it, more than you probably want to know about me, my back, and life here. i do want to say thanks for reading & for the connection & hope you bring to me. this blog is almost exactly 3 years old & i have learned more through it than i ever anticipated. peace & hope to you in the new year ahead, too.

because i like to make people feel better about themselves

Posted on May 17, 2010 in ex good christian women, just because i thought it was fun, mommydom | 8 comments

i am not a very neat and organized person. actually, i am organized (i know some of you are chuckling right now, but i really do know where almost everything is). and if i had more time (and a full-time-personal-assistant) the truth is my life & my stuff really would be more organized because i really do like it that way. the problem is time & people & kids. and over the years i have learned to let go and just lean into the reality that these aren’t going to be my cleanest, neatest, most organized years.

this past friday night we had a voca femina share party at joshua station, which is an incredible place in denver that provides transformational housing for homeless families. it really is my favorite ministry in this city & we try to partner and bring beauty & food & love there whenever we can. we have had several voca femina share parties at different venues around the denver area in the past year or so, but this one made me extra happy because it was bringing beauty to a place where sometimes it can be covered up and lost. some of the residents (and kids, too) shared art & poetry & other lovely creative works. oh, it was a fun one.

at some of the previous parties i have shared some spoken word pieces. this time i was in the mood for something different; i got inspired on my way home from the gym when i looked down and saw 5 coffee cups on the floor of my suburban. trust me, no one can trash a car like i can. i started thinking “i wonder what kind of collage i could build from all the $*(!&!^$( that is in my car?” so i pulled into my driveway and found a lot–and i do mean a lot–of possibilities. even the easel that i built it on just happened to be in my car. anyway, i thought i’d share it with you; it was so much fun to make. you can’t see everything on it in the picture, but a few standouts are: money from bahrain, the little paper thingy that helps the christmas eve candles not drip, socks, scissors, a butane lighter, salad tongs, and a “Jesus loves la familia escobar” keychain with a very serious looking Jesus on it.

it’s a little embarrassing, really, but i like to make other people feel better about themselves, especially mommies.

the order of the brokenhearted

Posted on Mar 8, 2010 in equality, ex good christian women, incarnational, injustice, just because i thought it was fun, women in ministry | 4 comments

even though i posted a few days early for international women’s day with the power of being wanted, i want to remind everyone that today, march 8th, is officially it so i hope that each of us take some time today to consider our contributions to the advancement of women in today’s world. i love what mother teresa says “if you can’t feed 100 people, just feed one.” if you can’t help 100 women, just help one. maybe this is by using your power in some small way today on behalf of another woman at work, at school, at home, in some other avenue. maybe it’s by sending money that supports a woman’s empowerment and economic freedom. maybe it’s making a phone call or sending an email that reminds some women in your life of their worth & value. maybe it’s by you as a woman standing a little taller today, stepping into your dignity and worth instead of letting the voices that try to pull you down get the best of you.

i encourage each of you to take just a few minutes and read this powerful declaration of sentiments written by elizabeth cady stanton, a leader in the women’s suffrage movement, 1848 at seneca falls. i read through it last night & was deeply struck by how far it appears we have come but how far we still have to go. i think i’m going to read it as a spiritual discipline every international women’s day (thanks, jessica. please, everyone, read my dear friend jessica roye’s powerful post called the past and future of things. she is in the trenches on the streets of portland co-pastoring home-pdx & is seriously amazing.

i just got back from a lovely convergence weekend up in portland with an amazing group of wise & powerful & courageous women leading & living in all kinds of shapes and forms. i am struck by the need, more than ever, to continue to provide places of encouragement & support so that women’s influence can continue to touch this broken, disconnected world, this broken, disconnected church.

i shared this poem that was written by my blog friend j.ted voigt in his book pages called holy. i highly recommend getting a copy of it as it is packed with beauty & hope for the kingdom. i was privileged to write an endorsement on the back cover, and one of my all-time favorite church-related poems–springtime for a church–was inspired by a post i wrote early on at the carnival called a community where men cry. anyway, i thought in honor of international women’s day i’d share it here, too.

i hope that men & women everywhere join this order of the brokenhearted. that we listen & notice & strain to see what women & the oppressed & marginalized are experiencing. that our hearts break over it. and that we boldly listen to the Spirit’s prompting on what it means for us individually & as communities that care beyond just words.

ORDER OF THE BROKEN HEARTED

We are Holy Order

of the brokenhearted

unreasonably in love

with sinners

nauseated by the though tof sin

hopeful-ly in love with the poor

counting ourselves among them

we strive to help even when we can’t help

as we lack visible, tangible, credible resources

we meet violence with peace

knowing this is

sometimes

how martyrs are made.

Our call to holiness

is a call to broken heartedness

The One who calls us

is The One who heals us

our creed is The Spirit

The Spirit is our only hope

and we are a hopeful

joyful

brokenhearted

brethren

- J. Ted Voigt

i’d love to hear what this stirs up in you.

* * * * *

a few other links in honor of international women’s day i’d like to point you to, there are so many out there but these are just a few in my inbox this morning:

jeff mcquilken wrote the voice of the woman. thanks for giving voice to this.

julie clawson’s international women’s day

minnowspeaks powerful & honest post two daughters

my dear friend elaine hamilton is in this week’s recycle your faith video–embracing the mess. she cornered me in the bathroom at a church in san diego and invited me to this group 16 years ago. it changed my life forever & started me on the path toward healing & hope in my relationship with God, myself, and pretty much everyone important to me. safe community is beautiful, empowering thing not just for women but for men, too. we need more places like this.

and if you haven’t already heard about compathos, please check out the site. my friend cynthia la-grou started it along with a few others & their work is incredible. they are an amazing network dedicated to raising awareness of innovative, collaborative, restorative projects around the world on behalf of social justice issues. check out this piece called women who dare.

africa, in all its beauty & all its chaos

Posted on Mar 1, 2010 in just because i thought it was fun | 8 comments

yeah, i needed a little break from church talk here & thought i’d shift gears today.

i wrote this little piece as a momento from africa, a marker & reminder of our time there and what it meant to me. i shared it at our denver voca femina live share party a few weekends ago & this past weekend at the refuge as part of our lent conversations. i thought i’d post it here, too. it’s more powerful and meaningful as a spoken piece instead of just being read on the screen, but instead of keeping it to myself, i’ll pass on a little more africa love.

it’s always good for my soul to remember.

africa, in all its beauty & all its chaos

i had always wanted to go to africa.
i had heard it gets under your skin and sewn into your bones.

that once you’re there, you can never shake it.

the beautiful red earth.
the beautiful black people with gorgeous white smiles
and hope that lights up the world.

a world of chaos and beauty
and beauty and chaos.

it’s a pitch black night with no power or water
a family sits in darkness
waiting for our visit
we stumble up the stairs, hands gripped tightly.
we follow our new friend’s lead.
one candle burns dimly in the corner
but 8 african smiles pierce through the darkness

“welcome, welcome to my home”
our host is so gracious.
so proud
of his dingy matchbox apartment that sometimes doesn’t have power for hours.

i can barely see their faces, 6 kids 2 grownups
in a space as big as some walk in closets.
we feel awkward.
blessed.

in that moment i am sure i am on holy ground.
ground that oozes hope.
ground that oozes love.
ground that oozes light.

in a world of chaos and beauty. beauty and chaos.

africa, a land of
orphans taking in more orphans
songs rising to the heavens
joy springing up from the dust
rice filling bellies before bedtime
friends huddling on the side of the road warmed by the fire
peddlers scraping and scrounging

africa, a world of chaos and beauty
and beauty and chaos

and it’s not too long after i’m there
that all my brilliant mothering skills kick into gear
i start to feel desperate to make order out of the chaos
i start dreaming of ways to start filling in the potholes on every road
ship them into shape
infuse them with efficiency
use the wet wipes i have in my purse to clean way the grime
start sweeping away the rubble
to bring order out of chaos.

to make things neat and tidy.
tidy and neat.

the way i like them here even when they never are.

and then i see it more clearly.

their world of chaos and beauty, beauty and chaos.
my world of chaos and beauty, beauty and chaos.

in the pitch dark they have hope
in my pitch dark i get hopeless
in the potholes they smile and laugh
in my potholes i cringe and start to swear
in their rubble they see beauty
in my rubble i see ugly

yeah, africa, you got under my skin, you seeped into my bones

you reminded me yet again

there’s beauty in my chaos, chaos in my beauty.
beauty in our chaos, chaos in our beauty.

peace & hope to you in your beauty & your chaos.

ps: this picture is at nakuru state park, walking out on the lake to see the flamingos. i thought it was a good lent image, too. i have really enjoyed this season. God’s stirring up some good stuff, more on that soon.

why i’m a postevangelical-missional-emerging-ancient future-social justice-progressive-conservative-12 stepping-bible enjoying-”christian”mutt

Posted on Feb 12, 2010 in crazy making, just because i thought it was fun, the carnival in my head | 20 comments

well that video conversation with my friend john sparked a lot of great thoughts & perspectives! thanks for your contributions i really look forward to more so stay tuned! meanwhile, for the sake of the conversation on labels, i thought i’d share some additional thoughts that have been floating around in my head for a while as i’ve been observing a myriad of weird conversations related to the “missional’ and “emergent” streams. as i often say, most people i hang out with in my day-to-day couldn’t give a rip about either one of these words. at the same time, i have found myself drawn to both conversations & get a little bugged when things start to get ugly & divisive & weird.

i hate labels. always have, always will. i know they help define things sometimes and have a place in the world & help people organize & clarify thinking; but for the most part, i find them very limiting and can easily become an-easy-way-to-start-a-new-genre-for-book-publishers and start forming what can feel like islands. i also think we can make them too narrow & start lumping people in categories and start journeying toward an adventure in “missing the point.”

i believe firmly that most average, real people living their regular life (not a life consumed by church & theological ideas) don’t really care what people are called or what new or old stream of thinking they are aligned with. i think the average person is much more concerned with action than belief. practicality than ideas. love in action. justice in action. compassion in action. hope in action. i think for the average person, the proof is always in the pudding.

and i also think there are a whole bunch of people who find themselves in this weird conversation about spirituality, faith & life and don’t fully buy in to any of these streams; they are like me, attracted and thankful for a crazy hodge podge of ideas & groups but not fully aligned with any of them.

recently i’ve just been embracing that is my reality. and my choice. i could align more intentionally with certain movements and probably squeeze my way in somehow, but i just don’t have the stomach or the trust or even the desire to do it. i like too many other streams, too. instead, i think i’m going to lean into the reality that i am a post-evangelical-missional-emerging-ancient future-social justice-progressive-conservative-12 stepping-bible enjoying-”christian”mutt.

i think there are a lot of other mutts like me. and i’ll admit, being a mutt is sometimes a little lonely. it’s easy to be fully a part of a team or a denomination or a breed; it creates a stronger sense of belonging. and while i am very grateful for the lovely little niche that has emerged on this blog (and in my faith community) i sometimes feel like i don’t really fully belong anywhere in the wider systems.

i am “post-evangelical” in that i can’t fully align with the lausanne covenant or the manhattan declaration. i don’t agree with a lot of what mainstream evangelicalism stands for anymore, and my views of evangelism aren’t connected to so many of the old terms that i used to be so familiar with. i am thankful for many things my years there taught me, but it just feels like now when i read what they are talking about and declaring and fighting for they aren’t things i really care about anymore. despite feeling on the outside of that world, i do believe in evangelism & sharing the good news, it just looks so different now; i remember this post i wrote almost 2 years ago “hmm, maybe i’m a re-evangelist?”

i am “missional” because i love the incarnation of Christ here on earth & think that was the big idea that Jesus was getting at. he “became flesh and moved into the neighborhood” and calls us to do the same. while i have a lot of friends who i deeply respect in the missional conversation, i am often annoyed because it seems like it’s becoming a new exciting trend for most attractional churches now. of course there are a lot of fringe conversations i love & appreciate, but it seems to me that there’s a group of “louder” voices that i don’t really identify with because the power & voice tends to rest in the boys. to me it also kind of feels a little like it’s become a new pet project for evangelicals, to become more “missional.” sorry if that sounds harsh. i love the incarnational thoughts but still think so many issues of power & equality & what it means to be “poor” aren’t being addressed. some of the delivery seems to focus on “we are supposed to help those poor people” instead of learning that “we are those poor people.”

i am “emerging” because i believe the church is always emerging & should never stop evolving & changing & morphing & experimenting. most people have questions about faith & life that a pat answer won’t take care of, and i love that the emerging stream has helped provide a place for that kind of honest dialogue. i also love many of the emergent-y people i have met over the past 4 years or so & the creative and fresh expressions of community that they are experimenting with. i have sometimes felt loved & included and other times felt totally on the outside looking in at the cool kids do their thing, but i’ll readily admit that is mostly my doing & hesitation to step up and into the conversation more fully. i think the theology focus just bogs me down sometime, too, and i don’t care enough about some of the lofty conversations to stay in them for long. but boy am i thankful for their courage & willingness to press the conversation out of the safe confines of where it once was. i am so sad at what a bad rap so many emergent thinkers have received & i think we should be thankful that they bravely upset the apple cart & take a lot of heat for it on our behalf.

i am “ancient-future” (just saying that word makes me laugh for some reason) because i love the spiritual practices and wisdom from the old. i am not a liturgical geek but i like it now and then. i am trained as a spiritual director & appreciate all of the wisdom from the past & the deep value their words have today. i love candles & quiet now-and-then & space to soak in God’s spirit. but it’s not really enough for me. sorry. i just get bored with the seriousness & intensity, and want to throw a party to celebrate God.

i am passionate about “social justice.” i think it’s my responsibility, the church’s responsibility to advocate for those without a voice, whatever that looks like–to stand for the oppressed, the marginalized, those without power & voice in really practical and tangible ways–through voting, activism, refusing to cooperate with systems that oppress and mistreat. i think we should be the front-runners on social change & i highly value the work of sojourners & ccda but don’t often know how it all fits into my day to day.

i am “progressive” in that i am not afraid to let go of some of the things i once held tightly. i love ecunemical thoughts & the power of diversity of religious expressions. i love that there are progressive christians who don’t struggle with any of the nutty stuff post-conservatives do and have a lovely ability to embrace God without a lot of the trappings.

i am “conservative” in that i’m old school in a lot of ways. i like tradition. i think we’re supposed to do things we don’t want to do because it’s the right thing to do. i believe in the trinity and God’s spirit at work redeeming this crazy broken world we live in. i don’t think Jesus was just a good teacher & a nice guy to follow.

i am a quasi “12 stepper” and am not afraid of the word “recovery” or “‘healing.” i think the face of christianity would be different if every pastor/leader gave all their seminary tuition to the poor & went faithfully to 12 step meetings for free instead. the healing journey in safe, authentic, humble community is powerful. and i think AA, NA, CODA, al-anon & all kinds of others 12 step processes help with love–learning to love God, others, & ourselves & be loved by God, others & ourselves. we’ve dismissed so many of their principles because we might not be an “alcoholic” or a “drug addict” or be married to one when in all honesty most people are some-how addicted and have serious control issues. i don’t go to meetings all the time but i highly value the power & wisdom of these biblical-principles-that-so-often-never-get-applied.

i enjoy “the bible” more than i ever have. i don’t read it all the time. i don’t pick it apart & read everyone else’s opinion on it first. i’m just trying to appreciate its power & wisdom & beauty and what it means for me, for us. like lots of other great things in the kingdom it got hijacked, and i’m trying to find a way to reclaim it for me. i am not afraid to say there are so many things that don’t make sense to me, i don’t elevate it above all else, and i honestly keep trying to step back from the need to legitimize or logic-a-tize my responses to the bible based on what other people told me it meant. i like the thoughts in there, i like the nuttiness of the stories, i like the power of the call to us as individuals & as communities of people.

and yep, i am a “christian”! i still use the word, depending on what company i am in, ha, but despite all my questions, i never deny that this is the path that i have chosen, be it right or wrong or anything in between. since i was a kid i’ve always been drawn to Jesus and have a funny feeling i always will. and while i value their teachings & respect others journeys in this direction, i do not follow buddha or krishna or allah. i am into Jesus and am trying to continue to grow and learn what it means to follow him & experience the radical, ugly, beautiful, wild, nutty ways of the kingdom now. and yeah, i have an awful lot to continue to learn.

when i look back on my life, it is kind of funny because i’ve always been friends with the jocks & the stoners & the smarty-pants & the special ed kids all at once; my #1 on the strengths finder is “includer”, ha! but some days i wish i was a pure-bred in one of these streams. i’d probably be sleeker & smarter & make more money (we all know the term “jack of all trades, master of none.”). but i think i like my muttness. it takes off some of the pressure & helps me respect and be thankful for the different ways each of these movements, groups & conversations all shape & form me .

how many of you can identify with being a mutt, too? what’s the upside? the downside?

* * * * *

ps: i was almost done writing this post when i read this piece from my blog friend sonja. thanks sonja for putting to word some of my thoughts related specifically to the recent weird tension in blogland over differences of opinion & theology. i try to stay out of it, honestly, but sometimes i get that sad feeling like there will never be the collaboration & cooperation in the kingdom that so many of us dream of.