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Posted on Apr 30, 2013 in friendship, healing, incarnational, just because i thought it was fun, the refuge | 8 comments

thank someone today.

photo-62

this past weekend i was part of a beautiful conversation in chicago centered on friendship between men & women.  i always say that while i don’t wake up every morning thinking about cross-gender friendships, i do wake up every morning thinking about people & relationships and ways we can participate in healing the shame and division of this world together (more on the healing shame & division part next week!).

my dear friend and refuge co-pastor karl wheeler and i spoke together on friday night. our conversation was called “making purple:  learning to show up, speak up, shut up, and trust love.” we had a great time telling the bloody, messy, fun, sometimes-insane story of our friendship the past 7 years leading the refuge together.  it’s a miracle, really, that we have made it this far, but it didn’t drop out of the sky.  we have worked our butts off to keep hacking at this and i’m ever grateful for God’s everlasting grace & mercy.

friday night, we thanked each other for the ways we both have tried as best we could to be a good friend, teammate, and partner as we nurture this wild and beautiful community alongside each other. it’s not that we haven’t thanked one another before, but it was really sweet to remember the ways we have helped each other move forward.

my friend jim henderson pointed out something in the Q&A that struck me.  he simply said, “hey you guys, thank you for thanking each other.” 

it’s easy for me to remember all of the hard stuff, but the truth is that way back when, karl was the person who called me to come play in a way that changed the course of my life forever.  he saw my passion, valued my leadership, and encouraged me to step into what i loved to do and lead a church together, something that in the evangelical world is extremely rare, especially since we aren’t married to each other.  i have come a long way since then, but his simple and strong belief in me all those years ago is a significant part of my ongoing story.

jim’s comment made me think about how many people–men or women or both–have had influence in our lives that changed little or big things for us along the way. 

they were seed planters or flame fanners or unexpected cheerleaders.  their love and encouragement, their making room for us at the table, their kindness, their support, their healing touch (and yes, even painful words or unsolicited advice) helped us move toward something better.

maybe you’ve already told them before, but sometimes–like friday night–it’s good to remember again and say it out loud.  it reminds us that we can’t do this crazy life without others.  it reminds us that the ways we are with each other matters and that fanning each other’s hopes, dreams, beauty, healing, and goodness into flame in all kinds of interesting and simple ways does not go unnoticed.

they may already know they’ve impacted you but maybe it would be encouraging for them to hear it again.  it’s always great to hear the words “thank you” and know that we somehow mattered.

most of all, i hope we never underestimate how desperately we all need more advocates, brothers & sisters & mothers & fathers, cheerleaders, friends, and dignity restorers in our lives.

 i love that we can play our unique part in helping each other forge forward, participating in each other’s stories in simple & important ways. 

there are so many other far more profound things to ponder from this past weekend, but my brain is mushy from working on this crazy-hard-overwhelming book project, and i do wonder if maybe the most simple things are actually the most meaningful.

so i invite us all to thank someone today.

no matter how big or small.

write them, call them, text them, facebook them, figure out a way tell them. 

it’s a gift not only for them, but for us, too.

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Posted on Oct 30, 2012 in just because i thought it was fun | 16 comments

5 gifts we can give rachel held evans.

blog pic the year of biblical womanhood* this week is launch week for the awesome book, the year of biblical womanhood, by rachel held evans, yeah!  this post is part of a surprise synchroblog to celebrate and remind rachel how grateful we are for the ways she his breaking down walls and paving a road of hope for so many.  a bunch of other bloggers are participating and you can find the link list here.  

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i have had the privilege of knowing rachel held evans through the wild weird world of blogging and also connecting in real life.  she’s brilliant and brave and i have told her that her generation is the real hope for change and so part of my responsibility is to support her as best i can.  sure, us oldies can definitely play our part, but the real rubber-meets-the-road is starting to come behind us.  among all kinds of other amazing things she does, rachel is a prophet (and we all know what we sometimes to do to prophets).

there are some gifts we can give her as she keeps stirring the pot & shaking the status quo & breaking down walls & offering her voice on behalf of so many of us:

1.  remember she’s human.  sure, she’s strong.  but she’s a regular-vulnerable-person-just-like-me-and-you, too.  the worst thing we can do for her is make her a super-hero or put her on some kind of weird pedestal that separates her from the rest of us. but it is pretty cool that she’ll probably be the only person we know who’s ever been on the today show, ha ha.

2.  watch her back.  we all know she takes some serious fire from critics for speaking her heart and offering new perspectives on biblical interpretation.  we can’t shut down her critics but we can step in when people go nuts.  we can stick up for her when we can.

3. encourage her.  everyone can always use more cheerleaders, and little ways we say “we are with you” go a long way.

4.  have our own opinion about what she’s sharing instead of just adopting hers.  it’s really easy when we resonate with leaders and writers to strap on to the whatever they say lock, stock, and barrel.  really, that’s not the idea.  my guess is that she shares what she shares to get everyone thinking from their own perspective, to listen to what God is stirring up for us, to integrate thoughts and implement change in our own ways that remain true to who we are, not who she is.

5.  bravely live from a new place in whatever ways we can.  really, the best gift we can give rachel is to live the solution, to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. to try, to experiment, to engage, to rock the boats in our churches & our circles of influence, to gain strength & courage from God to step into places we’re not used to stepping, to say things we’re not used to saying, to live out our faith in ways we’re not used to living. and to let her know how she played a beautiful part from afar in inspiring change.

here’s a short & simple blessing i wrote for you, rachel.  as the words came out, i thought maybe it’s not only for you but for all of us in different ways as we stand alongside each other and bravely-and-as-best-we-can live and love from new places.

may you cling tightly to God & family & friends who love you no matter what.  

may you strengthen the teflon of your heart to protect yourself from harsh critics.

may you increase the velcro on your heart so that love & encouragement will stick.

may you not take yourself too seriously.

may you take Jesus’ command to love really seriously, but remember it can be fun, too. 

may you humbly & bravely go where God is asking you to go.  

may you have eyes to see the beauty of the really simple things that are easy to miss. 

may God’s spirit of justice & mercy & love & hope & courage be more and more deeply embedded in the fabric of your heart.

and most of all, may you remember you’re loved.  really loved.  no matter what you do or what you write or what you say or what you don’t.

amen.  

we are grateful for you, rachel! congratulations!  keep stirring the pot & speaking from your heart & calling the church to something better…

 

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Posted on Oct 9, 2012 in just because i thought it was fun, synchroblog | 20 comments

5 ways to make it through the election & still keep your friends

blog 5 ways to make it through the election* this post is for the october synchroblog, centered on faith & politics.  i wrote a post several years ago that still probably sums things up for me.  when it comes to this year’s election, i am left with a  feeling that the system is so badly broken that it is discouraging. although i believe passionately in democracy, i am sad how it has often become more about media leverage than about serving people.  i’ll keep adding to the link list of other bloggers writing on the same topic at the end of this post as new ones come in.  

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a month from today americans will be voting for a new president.  some say its voting for the lesser of two evils, that the whole system is so far gone that none of our votes really matter. others don’t believe in government at all & others are passionate about proudly supporting either obama or romney & others are honest about why the words “christian” & president don’t really work.

personally, the relentless negativity and just-plain-craziness that blows through the air this season is  hard to endure.

i still do believe our vote matters.  i’m personally going to cast my vote for obama for the second time; i like to go to the ballot box at the lutheran church down the street and get my little “i voted” sticker. i don’t outwardly advocate for anyone to vote one way or another because i believe it’s a very personal decision, and my #1 hope is just that people don’t vote for the last candidate they heard speak on “good morning america”(unfortunately, that’s how a lot of this works).

i also think it’s important that we each make our own decision and be brave enough to just say “here’s what i’m doing” without feeling like we need to justify it or explain or worry about what others will think.  i realize that is easier said than done in a world that is quick to criticize, mock, and judge one another, no matter which side we’re on.

i thought it might be nice to share a few possibilites for us to make it through the next month a little less weary, a little less inclined to want to hide our friends on facebook or hide our true feelings. i am sure there are many other better suggestions than this, but here are a few ways to maybe make it through the next month & still keep our friends:

1. don’t assume. oh, it is so dangerous!  (i just rediscovered that old rant-y post!)  i’ll always remember when someone asked jose to come and help promote a sarah palin event without ever once considering that maybe he was voting for obama.  it was freaky, the lack of asking the question, the assumption that all-christians-must-be-voting-republican.  it can go the other way, too.  best is to ask instead of assume.

2. respect each other’s positions with humility.   i am not a romney fan but i know some of my friends are.  it is easy to judge & mock & say “i can’t believe they support this or that…” but the truth is that everyone is entitled to their own opinions & the best we can give each other is respecting our differences and agreeing to disagree.

3. try not to be rude.  seriously, some of the facebook posts are just plain rude about one side or the other.  it’s okay to say who we support without completely belittling the other side.

4.  judge not lest ye be judged.  yeah, i’m always busted on that one.  how easy it is for me to judge others who see things differently from me.  election year is a great place to practice non-judgement. sure, we see things differently but voting one way or another is not a sin even though it can feel like one.  let’s lay down our stones & worry about our own logs.

5. see hearts not votes.  all of these are really lessons far beyond voting, but i hope that we see beyond votes & remember each person’s human heart.  we don’t have to agree with each other’s  politics but it’s awfully unfair to translate that into judgments about hearts.  when it’s all said and done, we’re all just people doing the best we can to make it through the day.

bonus #6.  take a deep breath and remember–it’s almost over.  

so there you go, just a few thoughts today, maybe ways we can keep practicing becoming better human beings this month.  i most definitely need some help from God to practice them.  what else would you add?

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other bloggers writing on faith & politics this month:

 

 

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Posted on Jun 25, 2012 in crazy making, ex good christian women, healing, identity, just because i thought it was fun | 57 comments

breastfeeding hurts & other things we need to be more honest about.

blog breastfeeding hurts* i wrote this post in march and never got around to posting it (i do that a lot).  it was after a conversation with an awesome mommy & ministry leader who told me how hard it was to juggle being a mom and leading at the same time.   in her mind, she kept falling short.  in my mind, like so many others of us, we just haven’t had enough safe spaces for reality.  

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anyone who tells a new mom, “oh, breastfeeding is easy, it doesn’t hurt at all” is a liar.

let’s be honest, it hurts at first.  there’s no way around it.  when i had my first baby 20 years ago i remember people around me spouting the joys of it.  and not one person told me how bad it was going to hurt.  they only told me all the reasons why it was so great.

i agreed with them; it’s awesome. i’m definitely pro breast-feeding.

but i wish they had been more honest because it hurt like hell for the first few weeks.

it shouldn’t have been a stretch for a seasoned mom ahead of me to just say: “listen, this is really a big sacrifice, it’s going to be hard, it’s going to hurt, but hang in there and over time, it will get easier.”

that’s not asking too much.  but it’s often how it works.

i usually don’t talk about breastfeeding on my blog, but what i do like to talk about is honesty.  and i think what’s lacking in so many circles–especially christian ones–is the lack of honesty when it comes to many things. 

we sugar-coat, we avoid, we over-spiritualize and over-simplify, and we do a really big disservice to people who just need safe places to talk about the truth. 

we need to talk about stuff like:

how many of us are always comparing ourselves to someone better, stronger, wiser, more-this-or-more-that than us in work & play & school, and how draining that can be.  so many of us live with the sucky feeling of being too much or not enough but with no safe place to talk about it.

sex is weird.  and that most of us didn’t have good conversations about it when we needed to and are left to figure out all kinds of things related to it on our own.  it’s not going so well for a whole helluva of a lot of people.

having kids will always mean that we don’t get to do some of what we want to.  there’s a damaging myth that with the right balance of body-mind-soul-spirit we can pull off everything we want to do.  that if we try harder, pray more, shift our schedule, go to sleep later (or earlier), that we can make it all happen.  we can’t.  being responsible for little people (who then grow into bigger people who still need us) will always mean some of what we want is impossible.

shame and it’s hold on us.  how often we feel it and don’t know what the $*#&$^!@! to do with it because we think we’re the only one.

how terrifying doubt really is.  what it feels like when we wake up one morning and wonder if we’re really an atheist. or what it’s like when things-about-God that felt so sure now are like sinking sand and we aren’t sure who or what to believe anymore.

and how scary dreaming really is.  how when other people start talking about their dreams it freaks us out and we wonder if we’ll ever be brave enough to try what we long to do. how we get jealous & scared & mad at God for not making dreams come easier.

that feeling stuck is common.  so many of us are stuck in hard jobs, tough marriages, weird churches, unsatisfying professions, and a long list of other things that leave us longing for change but silently convinced that it might not ever happen.

these were not things that i was taught in most of my church experiences.  while i was being fed things like “pray more, believe more, serve more” these thoughts were  rattling around in my head & heart.  i was fortunate enough to become part of a safe women’s group when my kids were very little that opened the door to these kinds of conversations and since then have been able to be part of little pockets of safety where these conversations are possible.

but the more i talk to others, the more i wrestle with the crazy stuff always swirling around in my head, the more convinced i am that we need to work harder at  figuring out ways to be more brutally honest about these things.

to have safe spaces to talk about them.

to be with others who are asking the same questions and wrestling with the same things.

to gather hope that we’re not alone.

that’s why we need more safe communities, people gathered in all kinds of shapes & sizes, where we talk about things that need talking about.  where we are not afraid to say hard things out loud.  where we download the crazy stuff in our head and learn we’re not that crazy after all.

where we don’t pretend breastfeeding doesn’t hurt.

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Posted on May 18, 2012 in identity, just because i thought it was fun, spiritual formation | 12 comments

be yourself, everyone else is taken.

blog be yourself everyone else is taken* some of you have already read this post; it was a guest post for lisa colon delay’s blog series on spiritual guidance for bloggers in april.  i wanted to post it here in its entirety for my archives. i know a lot of you might not blog, but i think we can easily replace “blogging” with “anything-we-are-trying-to-do-that-is-hard-for-us-to-feel-free-in”.   that could be our faith or a vocation or a new passion or a relationship or a whole host of other things.  the same principles apply.   i am more convinced than ever that learning to be comfortable in our own skin is the work of our lives.  have a great weekend! 

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“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken” – Oscar Wilde

I first discovered what a “blog” was in 2006, when we planted The Refuge, the wild little faith community I am part of.  Honestly, I had never heard the word before; I had been immersed in a hectic ministry role that was very insulated from the wider church conversation and I just wasn’t online.  This transition from mega-church to small-church-plant was a messy one for me.  I was in a lot of pain from my experience, so I reached out online after stumbling across some blogs while searching for church website ideas.  I felt an instant and immediate sense of relief when I discovered I wasn’t crazy, and I wasn’t alone in some of my feelings.  I found others with similar stories & similar church dreams.

The men and women I read were honest, bold, raw, and pure.

They weren’t selling anything, trying to push their agenda, or attempting to make-people-come-over-to-their-way-of-thinking.

Rather, they just told their stories.  Shared their experiences. Responded to other people’s comments with simple kindness and respect. And above all, they remained honest about what they were wrestling with and learning along the way.

Reading their blogs gave me hope.

They inspired me.

They pointed me toward God (even when they were wrestling with God).

They challenged me to think.

January 1, 2008, I started my own blog and dedicated myself to two simple commitments:

1. Write as honestly and purely as I could without editing or trying to worry about what other people might think.

2. Write once a week for one year.

It’s been a wild ride, and I have learned so much through the process over the past 4 years.

Out of everything, I think blogging has helped me learn to become more comfortable in my own skin, with my own voice, with who I am.

I think that is a very holy and sacred experience on our spiritual journey–learning to find safety and security in who we really are.  

Not who someone else is.

Not who we think we should be.

But in who we are.

I am someone who has always struggled with the message that I wasn’t enough somehow–not spiritual enough, not quiet enough, not domestic enough, not skinny enough, not organized enough, not-whatever-enough.

Blogging definitely intersected with this message, initially making it even worse.

In the first few years of my blog, I had so much internal anxiety about not being good enough, funny enough, theological enough, wise enough, or concise enough.   Whatever “enough” it was, I wasn’t.

But something began to shift in the past several years as I continued to find my voice and become more comfortable in my own skin out here.

I began to realize that the world doesn’t need another _________ or __________ or __________ (Insert name of any bloggers you are jealous of, and my guess is they are wrestling with similar feelings and go a little psycho about the same insecurities).

What’s missing is me.

Not because without me the world would stop spinning or the blogosphere would come to a screeching halt.

But because everyone else is taken.  

I think God wants us to learn how to become comfortable in our own skin, to be who-we-are, and not try to become someone else.

Blogging is a great place to practice this.

Making peace with who-we-are requires the ongoing-work-of-the-Holy-Spirit.  I doubt and question it all of the time.  I obsess before I hit “publish” and freak out about not being more like ______ or _______ (insert name of other blogger also obsessing about the same thing).

I need God’s help to remind me:  “Um, Kathy, just so you know, in the big scheme of things, it’s just a blog post.  And one other thing:  it’s a great place to practice just being you–with all your strengths & all your weaknesses.  Just you.”

And then I hit “publish” and take a deep breath and am reminded yet again, this is what transformation looks and feels like.

This is how we get more comfortable in our own skin.    This is how we learn to offer ourselves grace.  This is how we become “us” and not someone else.

Yikes, it’s hard to learn!   But blogging is a great spiritual practice that can help integrate this important truth into deep places in our hearts.

Yeah, my spiritual guidance for all us bloggers is this:  Be ourselves.  Everyone else is taken.

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Posted on May 9, 2012 in just because i thought it was fun, synchroblog | 10 comments

a little laughter every day.

blog lighten up* this month’s synchroblog is called lighten up: the art of laughter, joy, and letting go.   the links to other bloggers writing on the same topics are below.  

as always i am late to the party, been writing my brains out and traveling so my contribution is short and sweet.  laughter is the only way i can survive down here in the muck and mire of real life.  laughing at myself. laughing at irony.  laughing at the dramedy (drama + comedy) that is the best way to describe our lives.  fortunately, jose, my husband, makes me laugh every day and i am part of a community that values laughter, too.  i am not sure that comes across in some of the intensity of what i write here, but we have a helluva of a lot of fun in the midst of all this darkness.  in many ways, it’s the only way we survive.  

laughter is so healing.

every day i need a little lightness.  david hayward’s stuff makes me laugh out loud all the time.  here’s my all-time favorite cartoon from him (i thought it was pretty appropriate for our rebuilding after deconstructing series):

and this one sort of fits, too.   my friend jenny posted it last week with a little blurb about church.  so funny and oh so true.

and i am not quite sure how you could possibly watch this and not have it be contagious, no matter how many times you might have already seen it.

have a great week.  i hope you can find a way to laugh every day.  it heals.

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other bloggers writing about this topic this month:

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