i wish learning new things were as easy as taking a class, watching a youtube instructional video, or reading the perfect how-to book that provides all of the answers.  for fixing kitchen sinks, it probably works.  for cultivating long lasting intimate friendships with others, not so much.

there’s no clear instructional manual for these kinds of relationships because they are complex.  at the same time, the Bible has solid guidance on how to better love each other.  colossians is one of my favorite books for that.  when my kids were little, we used to have the NIV kids club videos & cassette tapes (yes, my kids are getting old) that were all about “singing the Bible and having fun.”  i can pretty much sing the whole chapter of colossians 3 to you if you ever want a laugh!   when it comes to friendship, though, there are some excellent words in there.  the passage that comes to mind today is “therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience” (v. 3:12).

compassion.  kindness.  humility.  gentleness. patience.

these are important ingredients to sacred friendships. they help cultivate grace, love, and acceptance, which are what so many of us long for in our relationships.

here are some practical ways i think we can nurture these qualities in relationships with others and bravely enter into new friendships–men with men, women with women, men & women together.

be honest about our fears.  the more we can say out loud “um, i don’t know how to do this very well”, the better.  it’s so much better than trying to pretend we’re good at something we’re not quite yet.  in our community, we have so many people learning how to be friends for the first time we talk a lot about it out loud and just call it for what it is.  honesty creates compassion because we can relate, we know the feeling, too.

lower our expectations. even though i love to dream big, i also believe in small baby steps of change rather than always expecting (and often demanding) giant leaps for ourselves & others, too.  if we don’t shift our expectations, we can  become mad all the time because things aren’t going the way we want them to be.  meaningful friendships take a long time to cultivate. they don’t come quick, especially in the midst of our brokenness & busy-ness.  this is why patience is such a necessary ingredient.

take responsibility for our own stuff.  this is humility, a willingness to look at our own log instead of focusing on others’ specks.  it requires soft hearts open to God’s spirit & getting honest about the patterns we might tend to bring into the friendship.  as we acknowledge it to ourselves & God first, we can then be honest about it with our friends–”i am sorry that i….when i get scared, i sometimes act that way.”  this helps us practice becoming safer people.

remember, everyone’s human, just like us.  it’s a magical, beautiful thing that somehow God can bring broken, jacked up people together in love & unity.  it really amazes me.  but at the same time, our messy human-ness is always going to be at play.  we will get hurt.  we will get annoyed.  we will get confused.  we will get uncomfortable.  the beauty is in respecting not only our humanness but others’, too.

don’t always do everything in groups.  groups are great.  community is awesome. but sometimes it’s really important to spend quality time together that doesn’t have all the wackiness of group dynamics.  i think we can hide behind it, too, always going to “men’s groups” or “women’s groups” but never just hanging out in a more intimate setting.  make time for it.  it’s always worth it. eye to eye, heart to heart makes all the difference over the long haul & helps us become more comfortable in our own skin in the relationship.

get some help when we need it.  this is one of the things i love most about our community.  we practice friendship and get help when we need it.  this looks like getting a few more people in the conversation to talk about how to do friendship better, what’s working, what’s not, how we can help honor each other more deeply, where we get stuck, and how to keep moving toward healthier connection.   it’s what the body of Christ is supposed to be about, helping encourage and challenge one another!

check in.  every relationship is different, but i do think that regular check-ins can  be helpful in developing friendships.  how are we doing?  how are you feeling in relationship with each other? what’s working? what’s not?  in developing cross-gender friendships, it’s extra important.

adopt a philosophy of “practice”.  one of my favorite phrases is “we’re just practicing.”  we expect ourselves to have so many things in this world nailed down when the truth is we are just learning & trying & practicing as best we can.  to get better at something requires practice; it also means we will flub things up and blow it and need to get back on track.  this helps with conflict in relationship because we can be honest and say “i’m practicing how to actually engage in a conflict with another person and not have it be devastating!” sometimes, too, we may practice with people who we end up not being able to be in long-term relationship with for all kinds of reasons.  that’s okay.  every time we make ourselves vulnerable and risk in relationship, we are practicing & learning & growing.  that’s what matters.

i am sure there are many others, but these are some off the top off my head. when i read back over these, i can really see compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience embedded in each of these practices.  yeah, without these, meaningful friendship just isn’t possible.

what are some others you would add? 

God, help us become people who cultivate compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience into our friendships. 

- st. thomas aquinas

remember that book, “all i ever needed i learned in kindergarten”? sure, some of what we learned when we were five would be helpful to us as grownups.  but i’m also going to make a supposition that even by age five, weird friendship stuff may have already seeped in.  some boys stop playing so freely with girls. the power dynamics of who rules the playground kick into full swing.  cliques form.  the weak are often already culled out. it looks different for everyone, and there’s no question we are a lot purer when we are five than when we are 35, but the same fact remains–friendship is hard!

cultivating healthy, strengthening, encouraging, equal friendships is an art, not science.  and a very lost art at that.

in fact, i feel quite sure an honest poll would reveal that most people don’t have the kinds of friendships they long for.  that most don’t really know how to do them in a way that works long-term.  that some feel as inadequate now as we did when we were in junior high, even though they fake it better.  that many don’t even know what healthy friendship is supposed to look or feel like.  and that it seems there’s never enough time to develop them.  i am also going to take a leap and say that in the christian world, it’s even worse.  there are countless other weird dynamics at play in christian friendships that even further complicate what’s already complicated.

i know the feeling. i used to stink at real friendship.  i’ve always had a lot of friends.  i am a loyal person and have always hung on to friends–both male & female–through thick and thin.  but it wasn’t until i was in my late 20′s that i started to become comfortable enough in my own skin to actually be the kind of friend i wanted.  the kind that receives instead of just giving.  the kind that is honest & raw instead of holding back all the time.  the kind that makes a really concerted effort to nurture the relationship instead of expecting it to drop out of the sky.

18 years later, I’m still learning. it’s not the easiest thing for me to do.  at heart, i like independence, not interdependence.

and real friendship requires interdependence.

a give-and-take.  grace.  intention.  vulnerability.  risk.

in church, we are taught a lot about believing, knowing, and worshiping certain things and acting certain ways.  even now, with a lot of focus on missional living emerging in many churches, which i think is a good thing, a crucial ingredient is usually often missing– how to just be a friend.

an honest friend.

an equal friend.

a vulnerable friend.

a long-haul friend.

there are a lot of forces working deeply against friendship (not just cross-gender friendship but all forms–men with men, women with women, and across ages & differences, too.)

power.  we know how to be under people or above people but rarely do we know how to live beside them. it’s a natural force of our Genesis 3 human-ness.  often without thinking, we look for someone to control us or someone to control.  if we feel “less than” or “more than” others it messes with real freedom.  this is so unconscious for us that we don’t even know we’re doing it.

shame.  sometimes we are scared to be fully known because if people really knew us we’re quite sure they wouldn’t want to be friends anymore.  we give part of us but not all of us because full honesty is too risky. but honest sharing with a friend who can honor it brings one of the greatest rewards of friendship–the experience of grace. also, some people feel embarrassed that they never learned how to develop healthy friendships and it feels weird & awkward to be trying now. (it’s never too late, i know that for sure!)

independence.  many have learned through damaging past experiences that “the only person we can really trust is ourselves.”  and even if we don’t trust ourselves, we at least know what to expect.   a “trust God and God alone (by yourself)” mentality is especially pervasive in christian circles.

fear.  we don’t naturally like to make ourselves vulnerable . we don’t like to get hurt.  and somehow we know we will if we get too close to another person.   our natural tendency to avoid pain is always at play.   i’ve lost a few friends along the way, and it hurts. a lot. but it was still worth it in the end because of what i learned through them. in cross-gender friendships, fear is even higher because for the most part people say it isn’t possible without sexual weirdness.

yikes, those are some strong forces working against us!  when i look at this list, though, i have hope. i have seen it up-close-and-personal in my life & many others–healthy friendship is so possible!  but much deeper than only my experience, these four things–power, shame, independence, and fear–are what Jesus calls us to break down so we can get to the better thing–love.

humility, grace, trust, and peace are all part of love and antidotes to power, shame, independence, and fear.

that’s really what friendship is–loving another human being more freely, more purely, more honestly, more fully.  and being loved by another more freely, more purely, more honestly, more fully.   it’s about loving and being loved.

and that, my friends, is scary stuff!

we’d much rather talk about almost anything else.    and do most anything else.

and it’s probably why we need to focus on it the most. 

i think a task for the body of Christ is to begin actively showing people how to be friends in all kinds of shapes & sizes.  men with women, men with men, women with women. to break down systems of power and honor what it means to be equals, created in the image of God. to find ways to really heal from shame instead of just talk like we have and become more free & healthy human beings.  to learn what it means to be interdependent instead of independent or codependent.  to have courage to push through our inadequacies & fears and stumble & bumble into new ways of living together as friends.  friends with God, with others, with ourselves. they are all mixed up together. 

oh there are so many beautiful things to learn alongside each other!

what are you learning about friendship these days?

* * * * *

ps:  next post is part two and is a little more practical, but i wanted to get this out while it was swirling around in my head.

pss:  my friend dan brennan is an advocate and teacher for sacred friendships.  he continues to call people to break down the walls that divide us and bravely engage in deep, intimate friendship with one another.  in april the first sacred friendship gathering centered on cross-gender friendships is happening in chicago; i feel privileged to be sharing there and would love for you to come be part of this important conversation!  if you can’t attend but would like to help someone else have a chance to go, scholarships are greatly needed so that as many people as possible can be challenged to consider the practice of deeper friendship.  also, they are pulling this off as a labor of love on a shoestring budget, so let dan know if you can help!

however, the kingdom isn’t going to just drop out of the sky.  we are going to have to be active participants in creating it.  it is hard.  it is uphill.  it is against the grain. but it’s possible.  and what Jesus challenges us to as his followers.

so here you go, some of my own little church-faith-life dreams, capital letters and all, from pages 85-87:

Making What Could Be, Be.

As a dreamer, I like to imagine what could be. 

Despite some of my cynicism about church systems, I am still an idealist. Change is possible; otherwise I would have given up a long time ago. I am still foolish enough to think that our wild “God dreams” are possible. I think when Jesus said “Your Kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:10), he meant that the Kingdom was possible now.  I also know it’s possible because I see it every day in small and beautiful ways.  I see the marginalized, forgotten, neglected and abused finding love and hope through healing community.

For a lot of us, it’s hard to dream.  Almost every time I challenge people to dream it stirs up fear and trouble.  We’ve hoped before and had many of our dreams dashed, mocked and called unrealistic or impractical. Many have tried to make their dreams a reality in systems that rejected them, and they’ve lost a lot of hope. The thought of opening hearts back up again is too scary. Others are in the midst of living out dreams and are finding how hard they can sometimes be.  Often we can think of all the reasons our dreams won’t work, so why even try? 

But here’s why I think we should try.  These Kingdom ways aren’t supposed to be a pipe dream, or an elusive, unrealistic and unobtainable idea that we know will never happen.  Jesus’ ways of upside down living require imagination and hope. They require crazy people willing to live out what’s embedded deep inside their hearts, regardless of the cost.  They require courageous women and men who risk their money, time and pride to go against the flow of the powerful status quo and create little pockets of love that reflect Jesus, rather than the world.  They require humble disciples, followers of Christ, who try as best they can to heal the sick, feed the hungry, care for the poor, love the unlovely, and pass on hope in places where there is none.  Most of all, these Kingdom ways require people with eyes to see more beauty and hope in the often ugly, messy, downward journey than on the predictable, comfortable upwardly mobile path. 

The other night I was with some Refuge friends at our house talking about dreaming.  Even though I want people to dream big, I also want people to dream small.  To value simple ways we can move toward more of Christ’s love, life and hope in this world.  I shared with my friends how many years ago I dreamed of the kind of community I am now part of—one that was inclusive, authentic and healing, and valued generosity, equality and the practice of love, above all.  In my dreams, it looked completely different.  Trust me, it was a lot prettier, easier, bigger and brighter.  Yet, even though my original picture was different, the flesh and bones of what I had hoped for has come true.  I’m experiencing it in real life.  I am grateful but also not afraid to keep dreaming for more.  I want others to have a chance to taste and see, too. 

So I keep dreaming, trying to play my small part in the bigger story.

When I stop and allow myself to really imagine, I dream that we’d be people who took Jesus’ words seriously.  We can’t just talk about it, but we actually have to be forgiving, loving, sacrificing and humble. I hope we are people willing to give away our stuff, care for the widows and orphans, die to ourselves, hug lepers, love our neighbors, lay down power and make peace with our enemies.

I dream that all people would feel valued, regardless of our differences.  I hope we become people who refuse to let color, socioeconomics, gender, theologies, shapes, sizes, or social abilities get in the way of seeing the image of God and respecting each other’s worth, value and contribution to this world. I hope we will continue to find ways for women, men, white, brown, poor and rich to work equally and fully alongside one other as brothers, sisters, leaders and friends.

I dream that the divide between “us and them” will continue to crumble.

I dream that Christ-followers will form into an underground army of advocates, that we will stand with the marginalized, oppressed, poor and unlovely, and will risk our pride, position and power so that someone with none could get a little.

I dream that damage from the past and present will not paralyze us from living out who God made us to be; instead, we’d use our story to help another person.

I dream a whole bunch of us will find ways to create little pockets of love in places that desperately need them so that we will be known by the world as “those crazy people who never give up on the hurting, the lost, the oppressed and the outcasts.”

Never be afraid to dream.

these are some of mine.  what are some of your dreams, no matter how big or small?

]]> http://kathyescobar.com/2012/01/16/dreaming-making-what-could-be-be/feed/ 11 http://kathyescobar.com/2012/01/07/the-catch-up-list/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-catch-up-list http://kathyescobar.com/2012/01/07/the-catch-up-list/#comments Sat, 07 Jan 2012 14:48:15 +0000 kathyescobar http://kathyescobar.com/?p=5370 wednesday my four youngest kids went back to school after a great winter break.  yesterday i dropped my oldest son off at the airport and sent him back to college on the east coast.  now it’s catch up time!  i have all kinds of posts swirling around in my head and  january is going to be wrap-up-what-i-started month.  here are a few things i wanted to share before i dive back into real life next week:

• one word – i decided to participate in this for 2012.  in the past i’ve had five and end up never remembering any of them!  here’s a post i wrote for the refuge blog that has some ideas if you haven’t already thought of one yet.  my 2012 word is:  focus.  oh yeah, that’s the right word.

• honoring doubt – my monthly contribution to sheloves magazine is on one of my favorite topics from down we go: honoring doubt. i hope we can keep creating safe spaces to honor doubt.

• when Jesus met mary: a sacred friendship gathering – i am very excited to be part of this gathering–when Jesus met mary: a conference exploring friendship between men & women–in april in chicago centered on sacred cross-gender friendships hosted by my friend dan brennan. all of the details are on the website.  let me know if you can come be part of this brave & much-needed conversation.

• unladylike – my friend pam hogeweide’s book unladylike: resisting the injustice of inequality in the church is being released at the end of the is month by civitas press.  you can preorder a copy now if you want.  it rocks!

• and the resignation of eve – my other northwest friend jim henderson is always stirring up some great stuff for us to consider.  his new book the resignation of eve: what if adam’s rib is no longer willing to be the church’s backbone is coming out soon, too. i’m very glad this critical topic is getting some traction.

• convergence – i couldn’t go last year because of a family trip but am planning on being there this year, march 2-4 in portland. this year’s theme is:  staying power–presence & possibility as leaders.  if you haven’t been before, it’s a really wonderful gathering of strong & passionate women.

• synchroblog – we are starting off 2012 with a new teammate  & a survey to help gather ideas for the upcoming year.  if you are a blogger and want to be challenged to write on a variety of topics at the same time as other bloggers, all are welcome.

• with communities - my awesome friend john martinez created a log-in-so-there’s-greater-safety-and-connection site for incarnational community cultivators who could use some support, input, encouragement, and connection with other people who believe that prepositions matter and are trying crazy stuff, too. check it out here.

• walking wounded: hope for those hurt by the church – my friend phyllis mathis & i are hosting a 4 week online group for those of you out there who are painfully disillusioned by a faith or church experience.  our october 2011 gathering in denver was great for those who could pull it off, but this is a chance for others to participate, too.  because of some schedule conflicts, the date got moved to february 6th 2012.  go to live it to the full to register & for all the details.  if you or someone you know could use some healing, hope, laughter, and intention on getting unstuck, we’d love to have you join us.  this little video is sort of serious (i promise we’ll laugh and have fun, too) but gives an idea of what we are doing.  thanks for passing it on to friends who want to save some money on therapy and get some traction on healing in this new year.
  

i hope your year is getting off to a good start. i am looking forward to what’s ahead! peace, kathy

* * * * *

for advent, i wrote a post about hoping to be open: present, humble, vulnerable this christmas season.  when i look back on it now, just over a month later, it makes me laugh.  vulnerable is definitely the right word for the past month; i think i cried every day for a couple of weeks during advent!  one of the hazards of this kind of living is when we risk our hearts, it will sometimes get trampled on.  it’s part of the cost.  and even though i’ve been in this place before and know the feeling, i can’t completely avoid the pain of feeling used and hurt, and doubting this is all worth it.

thankfully, the amazing Jesus-with-skin-on-people-in-my-life helped carry me through.

the past few weeks have felt a little more sane, a little more balanced, a little more clear.  but at the same time, just as relief came, a new overwhelming feeling arose–the amount of needs in every direction.  it’s nothing new, really, but maybe in my “open, present, vulnerable” season i felt it more.  or maybe it’s because the holidays bring extra pain & struggle & need to the surface. the degree of poverty & pain & loneliness all around was just extra intense and caused me to question so many things. i found myself asking:

“does what we do even matter?”

“why even bother when the systems around everyone are so deeply grooved toward inequity and oppression?”

 ”maybe getting an inspiration high really will sustain people more than the little bit of tangible love we are able to pass on?” 

“why in the %(#&!^!*!(! do people keep giving their money to church buildings when their money could help exponentially with basics  like beds & dressers & gas & food & warm clothes to families who really need it?”

“God, you’ve got some people who really, really need hope right now.  can you please help?”

the last one is the one that lingered.  and i was reminded of what teresa of avila said:

“Christ has no body but yours. No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are his body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours.”

even though Jesus came into the world as a human and knows our pain and suffering and promised us life would be hard & harsh but that in him, we could have hope & joy & peace & love in the midst, i often forget.

i think the trouble is i actually long for pain removal.  the absence of pain. the abracadabra kind of pain removal that some parts of my faith experience once promised.  pray harder, hope more, surrender more, and it will be “gone”.  i know better by now, i really do, but still, if i’m really honest, i keep wanting (and in weird crazy ways still expecting) pain removal.

what i got instead was a reminder that hope this side of heaven is about pain relief.

maybe that’s a piece of what the incarnation is about.  pain relief.

we can’t remove pain.  God doesn’t seem to remove pain, either.  in fact, he chose to enter directly into it to provide relief in the midst.  hope, healing, love, joy, mercy, peace.

and it most always seems to come through a weird combination of flesh & spirit.  

hope, mercy, and love don’t drop out of the sky.  they usually come from experience.  from interactions.  from real in-the-flesh relationships.  from presents that get delivered even though we know they won’t make one bit of difference next month.  from a hug that might be the only human touch someone receives all week.  from a kind word when harsh ones are usually the only ones heard.  from a hot meal around a messy kitchen table.  from simple hellos to long, drawn-out conversations about deep wounds.  from eyes meeting eyes and hearts meeting hearts.

these little things provide pain relief.

they won’t take away reality.  they won’t change systems that will keep working against people.  they won’t pay the bills next month.  they won’t immediately mend a broken heart or get someone a job or heal a chronic illness or reconcile a failed marriage.

but they will provide some pain relief, a cup of cold water, a healing balm, a sweet fragrance.

on christmas eve when we were singing o holy night (by far my favorite carol), i felt these words stir my soul:

“truly he taught us to love one another, his law is love and his gospel is peace. chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother. and in his name all oppression shall cease.”

i have been thinking of this since christmas eve.  i keep wanting big oppression to cease. i keep wanting all the chains to break that keep people stuck. i keep wanting freedom & comfort my way.  really, i keep wanting pain removal.

but i was reminded this season, yet again and again, how the small things make a difference.  that our hands and feet and hearts and eyes and ears matter.  that when we intersect with each other in love, chains break and oppression ceases, if even for that moment.  that Jesus is alive & well & moving & healing & transforming & revealing love in us and through us and with us. 

yeah, in all kinds of ways, i got some pain relief this christmas. thank you, God. i hope i was able to pass some on, too.

* * * * *

other bloggers writing on the same topic, enjoy:

• Glenn Hager – Underwear For Christmas
• Jeremy Myers – The Unexpected Gift From Jesus
• Jeff Goins - The Day After Christmas: A Lament
• Wendy McCaig – Unwanted Gifts: You Can Run But You Can Not Hide
• Christine Sine – The Wait Is Over – What Did I Get?
• Maria Kettleson Anderson – Following The Baby We Just Celebrated 
• Leah – Still Waiting For Redemption

i wanted to share a few christmas-y things before i sign off for the week.

first, here’s a video reflection from our saturday night’s gathering centered on God’s stories, our stories. it’s funny how 6 minutes feels so long in our fast-paced world but how nice it was to take the time to just soak in and be quiet.  i also have no idea why the part that shows at the beginning is “is it a story of pain?” but i guess youtube somehow knows me too well?

second, tonight at 9pm eastern time, in honor of advent & Jesus entering into the world in the flesh, i’ll be having a twitter conversation with my throwing parties & telling stories friend steve knight about “incarnational vs. missional”  we’ll converse on twitter & then have a skype chat afterward.  would love for you to be part if you can.  the hashtag is #missionalchat.

lastly, i thought i’d share this fun picture of my family because it makes me happy. i don’t share a lot about my kiddos here on the blog because they already have to put up with a lot of annoying things about me but i knew they wouldn’t mind this one!  it’s our christmas picture this year & the good news is i’m jumping, although obviously not as high as jose.  a year post-back-surgery it is a huge blessing.  my  kiddos range from almost 20 down to twins that are 12.  life’s good.

i’ll close with this beautiful prayer from christine sine’s gorgeous advent liturgies and reflections–waiting for the light.  we used it a few weeks ago at the refuge. i guess that’s actually 4 christmas-y things!

Come Down, Come In and Make Us Whole 

This is a season of watchfulness.

We watch for the One who hears our cries and shares the suffering of our world.

This is a season of promise.

We wait for the promised coming of Emmanuel, God with us, God for us, God in us.

This is a season of reflection.

We expect to be transformed so we can be bearers of light in God’s kingdom.

So Come, Jesus, Come.

Into our troubles and weaknesses.

Into the barren places of our souls, Come Lord,

Come down, come in, come among us and make us whole.

Into the war torn and the refugee,

Into those who live in conflict, Come Lord,

Come down, come in, come among us and make us whole.

Into the homeless and the unemployed,

Into those who feel abandoned, Come Lord,

Come down, come in, come among us and make us whole.

Into the sick, and the disabled,

Into the struggling, the wounded, Come Lord.

Come down, come in, come among us and make us whole.

Into the lives of loved ones,

Into those from whom we are estranged, Come Lord.

Come down, come in, come among us and make us whole.

Into our struggles and our fears,

Into our joy and celebrations, Come Lord.

Come down, come in, come among us and make us whole.

Come down, come in, come among us and make us whole.  

Amen.

merry christmas, my friends, enjoy a beautiful week.  may God’s hope & peace be near.

but i do love christmas.

i love christmas because i love the christmas story.  i love the wild & crazy way God reveals himself to the world, in a way that most everyone would never expect. i love that angels announced Jesus’ birth first to the the shepherds & the pagans and they were strangely drawn toward this light from the very beginning. i love that the earthly parents God chose were basic people with basic jobs and a basic faith.  i love the reminder that from the beginning of Jesus’ life, power was trying to destroy him but never fully prevails.  i love that the story of Jesus is a beautiful, messy one not a clean & sterile one (even though that’s usually how the storybooks make it sound).

the christmas story wasn’t neat and tidy.

it was messy.  and beautiful.

like ours.

for this season of advent at the refuge we have been focusing on our stories–God’s story, our stories, and how they all intersect. on the first week of advent my friend karl shared how “every Bible story is a christmas story.” i’ll add “every one of our stories is a christmas story, too”.

here are the elements i think are present in the christmas story and in our stories, if we look carefully:

1. pain and struggle

2. something that doesn’t make sense in our own or others’ eyes

3. some kind of redemption, hope, or healing

4. a reminder that somehow, someway, God is emmanuel, always with us.

when i look at almost every Bible story i can think of, these 4 things apply.  when i consider the weird twists and turns in my own story & many others along the way, these 4 things are somehow always present.

i want to focus for a minute on #2 because i think it’s the one that might give us the most trouble–”something that doesn’t make sense in our own or others’ eyes.”

we humans have a desperate need to make sense of everything.  we want it to “work” the way we want it to work.  we want to understand things we’re not supposed to understand.  we want to cram God’s weird & wild ways into our own boxes so we can feel more comfortable.  we want neater, tidier, easier.

i know i do.

but the christmas story reminds us that some things just don’t make sense in our eyes or other’s eyes.  the Jesus story sure didn’t.

two contradicting things can be present at the same time.

the christmas story is beautiful & ugly.  filled with faith & doubt, peace & confusion, fear & courage.  these things living together don’t make sense in our linear-little-brains. but part of redeeming our story and participating in God’s story more fully requires us to open our hearts to letting both exist at the same time.  and like all things of faith, this is a heart-journey, not a head-one. our brains can try to rationalize “sure, both dark and light exist in me” but still do everything in our power to clean it up and make all be good, “right” or okay or go the other direction of leaning completely into only the dark side where everything is hard & ugly & painful.

we can easily become focused on the dark & blinded to the light.

or we can do an excellent job of pretending like everything’s light and dismiss the reality of our darkness.

a lot of our church experiences haven’t helped us to live more comfortably with paradox in our own lives, either.  black & white thinking has often morphed into black & white feelings, too.

we did a little exercise a few weeks ago at our weekend gathering, to open ourselves up to remember that light & dark exist at the same time in our stories–and in all of God’s stories, too.  part of cultivating hope this advent season is living in the tension of both existing but straining to see the light, the good, the beautiful because these are often more difficult for us to see in ourselves.

here’s the exercise we did:

choose one word from the left hand column that describes this season for you.  then choose one word from the middle column.  if the words that come to mind aren’t on this list, use them instead.

right now, my story is ________ & __________.

my two words are “strong & fragile” and those usually don’t make sense together. in my humanness, i only want to be strong or i only see my fragility & weakness.  the beauty of the christmas story in me is seeing that both can exist at the same time, and they don’t have to make sense.  and like most all of them, my story is one of pain & struggle and redemption & healing & God-with-me-in-the-thick-of-it.

yeah, all our stories are christmas stories.

i’d love to hear what words describe your story right now.

and at any moment something i say here can bug pretty much any of them for one reason or another.

this is a really familiar feeling for me.  all through  middle & high school & college & pretty much all of my adult life i have always been friends with a bunch of different people that rarely all come together in the same place.  i love it because i know such beautiful, diverse, amazing people.  but it can also feel unsettling & uncomfortable.  i miss some of what you get when you are deeply embedded in a particular tribe.    i think one of the things that i appreciated about being on a mega-church staff for those couple of years is that it’s so big that you don’t really need anyone else.  it’s its own island and a really clear tribe with no room, or apparent need, really, for much else.  now, out here floating around on a lifeboat for the past five years clinging for dear life i have had to learn something that i knew i needed to learn–how to be comfortable in my own skin.

my skin.

not someone else’s.

not what this group is doing or that group is doing.  not what this church is doing or that church is doing.  not what this ministry is doing or that ministry is doing.  not what this person is doing or that person is doing.

i’m learning to become more comfortable with what i believe.

not what this group believes or that group believes.  not what this friend believes or that friend believes.  not what this blogger believes or that blogger believes.

yikes, it’s hard to do!  the systems of the world are built upon people conforming to each other somehow. my friend & awesome refuge teammate karl always says that we mistake uniformity for unity.  true unity is diversity, bound together with a common thread.  to me, when it comes to issues around “church”,  that thread is God.  but we’ve built systems that call for uniformity, that we need to be like “them”, whatever the them is, in order to belong.

i do not think that any of the things i believe are really very heretical!  they’re just one expression of faith that i feel dearly and passionately about, and stem from how i view the gospels & the Bible & what God has stirred up in me through the years. my point in my last post, yep, i guess i’m a heretic, is that by believing & practicing these, somehow i’m “out” of certain circles because of their interpretation of theological truth.  that’s so bizarre to me.  and sad.

but alas, my responsibility is not to change that system or anyone’s minds.

my responsibility is to learn to be comfortable in my own skin. 

my skin, not someone else’s.

but the skin God made that’s me.

this is maturity.  this is healing.  this is transformation.

and this doesn’t have to have to be perceived as something that only has to do with faith or church or anything “spiritual”.  it has to do with becoming better human beings, stronger, more secure, more free men & women, who discover who we each are in deep places of our hearts & practices.

one of the things i love about the christmas story and this time of year is the reminder of Jesus’ humanness.  he had to learn to be in his skin just like us.  and obviously, many, many people didn’t really like his skin.  he had to have his feet on the ground & his head in the clouds in order to walk out the journey he was on here on earth. he had a huge advantage, being God and all, but i take great solace in knowing that Jesus understands humanness.

in all its mess & all its glory.  in all its struggle & all its joy.  in all its reality & all its beauty.

the wise & prophetic father richard rohr says that other “a” words for advent are:  alert, awake, alive, attentive, aware.  i’m not big on alliteration but i love these words!   this season i am trying to be awake, aware, attentive to my story, God’s story-in-me.

and i think it’s a story of growing up somehow, of learning to be comfortable in my own skin. learning to be be less codependent & independent and more interdependent. to be more free.  to be less afraid. to be more clear, even if its only about a few important things.  to be more brave.  to be more weak in some areas & stronger in others.  to care less about what people think & more about what God might think.

God knows our struggle to be comfortable in our own skin.  God is E/Immanuel, with us.  here, now.  down here in the muck and mire of our real lives, our real struggles with life & faith & relationships & all that it means to be human, created in the image of God, living in this broken weird wild world.

enthusiastically wanting to teach us to be comfortable in our own skin.

i’m trying to listen.

* * * * *

ps:  i stumbled upon this original advent song this weekend by matt staniz. i loved it & thought i’d pass it on to you today as we reflect on our skin, God’s skin.

* * * * *

“he has filled the hungry with good things” – mary’s song,  luke 1:53

until 5 years ago i never celebrated the season of advent and the weeks leading up to christmas.  honoring the church calendar was just not something i was taught, but over the past few years i have really come to appreciate the beauty & intention that comes from it.  at the same time, i am not crazy over the typical definition of “expectation”, probably because it can be such a loaded word when it comes to some christian things.  it can sometimes feel a little bit too demanding for me on one end or setting myself up for disappointment on another. it’s tricky for me to say “this advent season i expect….”  a phrase that helps me with this is to substitute the word “expecting” with “being open to”.

so, if i were re-framing this entire phrase, it would be:  Jesus is coming:  what do i want to be open to?

when i am open, i am present.  i am not thinking about the next thing i need to do but rather am present in the moment i’m currently in. i have room to listen, notice, experience.

when i am open, i am humble.  i do not have everything all figured out.  i am not closed off & hardened.  my heart is soft & tender to God and other people.

when i am open, i am vulnerable.  i am willing to feel, the good things & the bad, to let in the beauty & the ugly and somehow trust that God is at work in it all.

it is quite clear to me that none of these things are my first reflexes!

when i think of the christmas story & the events leading up to the birth of Jesus, mary’s “openness” comes to mind.  she embodied being present, humble, and vulnerable.  i feel fairly positive she had to be terrified in every imaginable way. i do not think the cleaned-up stories we read about mary are what it really looked or felt like for her in the moment. she was human and experienced fear & shame & doubt & confusion & trust & hope & joy just like we do.  there are many different ways the story could have unfolded, but she chose the path of openness. of staying present, humble, and vulnerable in the midst of great travail.

like his earthly mother, Jesus embodied these three qualities, too–presence, humility, and  vulnerability. all three are easy to talk about but tricky to live out.  the pull toward busyness & thinking 10 steps ahead, self-centeredness, hardening and protecting our hearts & time, and a host of other distractions is really strong.

so what i am i trying to be open–present, humble, and vulnerable–to this advent season?

i want to be open to be awed by the little & beautiful things that i intersect with over the next few weeks that i might count as ordinary.  i want to be open to God’s story being told in my life & the life of my friends. i want to be open to see slivers of light in the darkness. i want to be open to feel the ground underneath my feet instead of moving so fast.  i want to be open to laughter and joy  in the midst of carrying my friends’ real burdens & pain.  i want to be open to experiencing peace & a sense of gentle strength in midst of the craziness of these busy & fast next few weeks.  i want to be open to being patient & waiting instead of being impatient & demanding. i want to be open to God’s hope.

i know that this is a season of waiting for Jesus to “come” but it also helps me to remember Jesus is already “here.”  working, challenging, healing, illuminating, strengthening, comforting, encouraging, revealing his story to us in our real lives, offering hope.

this advent season, God help me be open–to be present, humble, vulnerable . 

* * * * *

here are some other advent posts i’ve written for the past years & synchroblogs.  yep, same song, different tune!

• making room for the unexpected
• God. alive.
• an advent confession
• hope is dangerous
• waiting, hoping, expecting the wrong things
• light: i’ll take a sliver anyday

ps: that guest post i wrote over at rachel held evans’ blog–insecure christians–has a pile of comments that have stirred up all kinds of feelings, both oh-i-so-agree ones & contrary ones.  i definitely am going to have to do a part 2 over here to process some of it.  it is so funny to me, how by saying that maybe there might be some good in us from the beginning since God made us in his image people get in an uproar, thinking i am dismissing sin & brokenness.  it still baffles me that it’s heretical.   people, good & bad can exist together, for goodness sake!  we are living paradoxes. the problem i see is that many of us are blinded by the bad & completely forget the good and the church typically doesn’t help with that in a practical way.  anyway, look forward to hearing some of your thoughts on it next week.   happy thanksgiving & first week of advent!

+ + + + + + + + + +

other advent synchrobloggers // more coming through the 1st week of advent:

• Ron Cole at The Weary Pilgrim – advent: reimagining everything
• Liz Dyer at Grace Rules – expect the unexpected
• Sarah Styles Bessey at Emerging Mummy – in which i’m expecting something from advent
• Miz Melly at Perchance to Dream – parousia 
• David Perry at Visual Theology – Advent As A Mirror of Possibility
• Christine Sine at Godspace – Jesus Is Coming What Do We Expect?
• Liz VerHage at Living Theology
• Sally Coleman at Sally’s Journey – Come Spirit of Advent
• Jeremy Myers at Till He Comes – Jesus Is Returning Today
• Glenn Hager – Antithetical Advent 
• Carol Kuniholm at Words Half Heard – Advent 1:  What I’m Waiting For 
• Tammy Carter at Blessing The Beloved – His Gift … the way of escape!
• Ellen Haroutunian – Remember Our Story
• Mihee Kim-Kort  - Advent Expectations: Keep Awake

at the same time, it poses another honest question–why work this hard? seriously.   i know i have many friends who look in at what we’re doing and think it’s all a little nutty, how much we pour into this wild little community when we could take such an easier path.  why have we chosen a road that’s so freaking messy?

trust me, i ask that question all the time.  i imagine a nice office, an administrative assistant, making above the minimum wage, and being able to leave my work there instead of drag it home.  but i then i just laugh because that is so not me.  it never has been and it never will be.  and this is somehow the little blip i’m dedicated to.  that’s it.   it’s not for everyone, that is for sure.  but i am learning here what i don’t think i could learn if it were easier. i am not learning how to be a better speaker, a more efficient leader, a more effective manager, or a stronger fundraiser.  those things are not inherently bad, but they are much easier than learning how to be a healthier human being.

i feel like that’s what i’m learning through being part of this community.  how to be a healthier human being.

able to love and be loved.  able to withstand adversity and still cling to Hope.  able to hold on to what needs to be held on to and let of what’s not mine.  able to laugh and cry at the same time.  able to be mad at myself and kind to myself in the same breath.  able to feel & hurt and able to receive healing & help.   able to realize God is God and i’m human.  able to have limits and also possibilities.  able to fall down and slowly get back up.   able to survive conflict and not have it kill me.  able to be a friend & have friends.  able to rely on others & also rely on God.  able to trust.  able to recognize limitations & able to still dream.  able to give & able to receive. able to be vulnerable & allow myself to hurt.

i don’t think many churches teach this stuff. and i know why.  it doesn’t sell.  it’s not too inviting or comfortable.

but i think that’s what “church” should be about, really.

helping people become better human beings.

people of love, mercy, justice, hope, and healing.  people who are willing to learn and fail and try again.  people who focus on our own logs instead of others specks.  people who lay down stones. people who are brave and scared at the same time.  people who don’t give up but rely on God to sustain them through the twists and turns.  people who are humble and willing to do the hard stuff and celebrate the good stuff.  people willing to learn.

there are lots of different ways to learn it, it just so happens this is the particular Jesus school i happen to be enrolled in.

so that’s where i am at today.  grateful for my humanity and God’s divinity.  grateful for long-haul community.  grateful for the 12 steps.  grateful for the beatitudes.  grateful for my dear & faithful friends who are helping me become a better human being.