incarnational

practicing friendship

Posted on Jan 31, 2012 in healing, incarnational, relationships, spiritual formation | 18 comments

* this is part 2 to the last post: let’s be friends. oh wait, we don’t know how to!

i wish learning new things were as easy as taking a class, watching a youtube instructional video, or reading the perfect how-to book that provides all of the answers. for fixing kitchen sinks, it probably works. for cultivating long lasting intimate friendships with others, not so much.

there’s no clear instructional manual for these kinds of relationships because they are complex. at the same time, the Bible has solid guidance on how to better love each other. colossians is one of my favorite books for that. when my kids were little, we used to have the NIV kids club videos & cassette tapes (yes, my kids are getting old) that were all about “singing the Bible and having fun.” i can pretty much sing the whole chapter of colossians 3 to you if you ever want a laugh! when it comes to friendship, though, there are some excellent words in there. the passage that comes to mind today is “therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience” (v. 3:12).

compassion. kindness. humility. gentleness. patience.

these are important ingredients to sacred friendships. they help cultivate grace, love, and acceptance, which are what so many of us long for in our relationships.

here are some practical ways i think we can nurture these qualities in relationships with others and bravely enter into new friendships–men with men, women with women, men & women together.

be honest about our fears. the more we can say out loud “um, i don’t know how to do this very well”, the better. it’s so much better than trying to pretend we’re good at something we’re not quite yet. in our community, we have so many people learning how to be friends for the first time we talk a lot about it out loud and just call it for what it is. honesty creates compassion because we can relate, we know the feeling, too.

lower our expectations. even though i love to dream big, i also believe in small baby steps of change rather than always expecting (and often demanding) giant leaps for ourselves & others, too. if we don’t shift our expectations, we can become mad all the time because things aren’t going the way we want them to be. meaningful friendships take a long time to cultivate. they don’t come quick, especially in the midst of our brokenness & busy-ness. this is why patience is such a necessary ingredient.

take responsibility for our own stuff. this is humility, a willingness to look at our own log instead of focusing on others’ specks. it requires soft hearts open to God’s spirit & getting honest about the patterns we might tend to bring into the friendship. as we acknowledge it to ourselves & God first, we can then be honest about it with our friends–”i am sorry that i….when i get scared, i sometimes act that way.” this helps us practice becoming safer people.

remember, everyone’s human, just like us. it’s a magical, beautiful thing that somehow God can bring broken, jacked up people together in love & unity. it really amazes me. but at the same time, our messy human-ness is always going to be at play. we will get hurt. we will get annoyed. we will get confused. we will get uncomfortable. the beauty is in respecting not only our humanness but others’, too.

don’t always do everything in groups. groups are great. community is awesome. but sometimes it’s really important to spend quality time together that doesn’t have all the wackiness of group dynamics. i think we can hide behind it, too, always going to “men’s groups” or “women’s groups” but never just hanging out in a more intimate setting. make time for it. it’s always worth it. eye to eye, heart to heart makes all the difference over the long haul & helps us become more comfortable in our own skin in the relationship.

get some help when we need it. this is one of the things i love most about our community. we practice friendship and get help when we need it. this looks like getting a few more people in the conversation to talk about how to do friendship better, what’s working, what’s not, how we can help honor each other more deeply, where we get stuck, and how to keep moving toward healthier connection. it’s what the body of Christ is supposed to be about, helping encourage and challenge one another!

check in. every relationship is different, but i do think that regular check-ins can be helpful in developing friendships. how are we doing? how are you feeling in relationship with each other? what’s working? what’s not? in developing cross-gender friendships, it’s extra important.

adopt a philosophy of “practice”. one of my favorite phrases is “we’re just practicing.” we expect ourselves to have so many things in this world nailed down when the truth is we are just learning & trying & practicing as best we can. to get better at something requires practice; it also means we will flub things up and blow it and need to get back on track. this helps with conflict in relationship because we can be honest and say “i’m practicing how to actually engage in a conflict with another person and not have it be devastating!” sometimes, too, we may practice with people who we end up not being able to be in long-term relationship with for all kinds of reasons. that’s okay. every time we make ourselves vulnerable and risk in relationship, we are practicing & learning & growing. that’s what matters.

i am sure there are many others, but these are some off the top off my head. when i read back over these, i can really see compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience embedded in each of these practices. yeah, without these, meaningful friendship just isn’t possible.

what are some others you would add?

God, help us become people who cultivate compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience into our friendships.

let’s be friends. oh wait, we don’t know how to!

Posted on Jan 24, 2012 in equality, ex good christian women, healing, incarnational, leadership, relationships, spiritual formation | 17 comments

“there is nothing on this earth to be more prized than true friendship.”

- st. thomas aquinas

remember that book, “all i ever needed i learned in kindergarten”? sure, some of what we learned when we were five would be helpful to us as grownups. but i’m also going to make a supposition that even by age five, weird friendship stuff may have already seeped in. some boys stop playing so freely with girls. the power dynamics of who rules the playground kick into full swing. cliques form. the weak are often already culled out. it looks different for everyone, and there’s no question we are a lot purer when we are five than when we are 35, but the same fact remains–friendship is hard!

cultivating healthy, strengthening, encouraging, equal friendships is an art, not science. and a very lost art at that.

in fact, i feel quite sure an honest poll would reveal that most people don’t have the kinds of friendships they long for. that most don’t really know how to do them in a way that works long-term. that some feel as inadequate now as we did when we were in junior high, even though they fake it better. that many don’t even know what healthy friendship is supposed to look or feel like. and that it seems there’s never enough time to develop them. i am also going to take a leap and say that in the christian world, it’s even worse. there are countless other weird dynamics at play in christian friendships that even further complicate what’s already complicated.

i know the feeling. i used to stink at real friendship. i’ve always had a lot of friends. i am a loyal person and have always hung on to friends–both male & female–through thick and thin. but it wasn’t until i was in my late 20′s that i started to become comfortable enough in my own skin to actually be the kind of friend i wanted. the kind that receives instead of just giving. the kind that is honest & raw instead of holding back all the time. the kind that makes a really concerted effort to nurture the relationship instead of expecting it to drop out of the sky.

18 years later, I’m still learning. it’s not the easiest thing for me to do. at heart, i like independence, not interdependence.

and real friendship requires interdependence.

a give-and-take. grace. intention. vulnerability. risk.

in church, we are taught a lot about believing, knowing, and worshiping certain things and acting certain ways. even now, with a lot of focus on missional living emerging in many churches, which i think is a good thing, a crucial ingredient is usually often missing– how to just be a friend.

an honest friend.

an equal friend.

a vulnerable friend.

a long-haul friend.

there are a lot of forces working deeply against friendship (not just cross-gender friendship but all forms–men with men, women with women, and across ages & differences, too.)

power. we know how to be under people or above people but rarely do we know how to live beside them. it’s a natural force of our Genesis 3 human-ness. often without thinking, we look for someone to control us or someone to control. if we feel “less than” or “more than” others it messes with real freedom. this is so unconscious for us that we don’t even know we’re doing it.

shame. sometimes we are scared to be fully known because if people really knew us we’re quite sure they wouldn’t want to be friends anymore. we give part of us but not all of us because full honesty is too risky. but honest sharing with a friend who can honor it brings one of the greatest rewards of friendship–the experience of grace. also, some people feel embarrassed that they never learned how to develop healthy friendships and it feels weird & awkward to be trying now. (it’s never too late, i know that for sure!)

independence. many have learned through damaging past experiences that “the only person we can really trust is ourselves.” and even if we don’t trust ourselves, we at least know what to expect. a “trust God and God alone (by yourself)” mentality is especially pervasive in christian circles.

fear. we don’t naturally like to make ourselves vulnerable . we don’t like to get hurt. and somehow we know we will if we get too close to another person. our natural tendency to avoid pain is always at play. i’ve lost a few friends along the way, and it hurts. a lot. but it was still worth it in the end because of what i learned through them. in cross-gender friendships, fear is even higher because for the most part people say it isn’t possible without sexual weirdness.

yikes, those are some strong forces working against us! when i look at this list, though, i have hope. i have seen it up-close-and-personal in my life & many others–healthy friendship is so possible! but much deeper than only my experience, these four things–power, shame, independence, and fear–are what Jesus calls us to break down so we can get to the better thing–love.

humility, grace, trust, and peace are all part of love and antidotes to power, shame, independence, and fear.

that’s really what friendship is–loving another human being more freely, more purely, more honestly, more fully. and being loved by another more freely, more purely, more honestly, more fully. it’s about loving and being loved.

and that, my friends, is scary stuff!

we’d much rather talk about almost anything else. and do most anything else.

and it’s probably why we need to focus on it the most.

i think a task for the body of Christ is to begin actively showing people how to be friends in all kinds of shapes & sizes. men with women, men with men, women with women. to break down systems of power and honor what it means to be equals, created in the image of God. to find ways to really heal from shame instead of just talk like we have and become more free & healthy human beings. to learn what it means to be interdependent instead of independent or codependent. to have courage to push through our inadequacies & fears and stumble & bumble into new ways of living together as friends. friends with God, with others, with ourselves. they are all mixed up together.

oh there are so many beautiful things to learn alongside each other!

what are you learning about friendship these days?

* * * * *

ps: next post is part two and is a little more practical, but i wanted to get this out while it was swirling around in my head.

pss: my friend dan brennan is an advocate and teacher for sacred friendships. he continues to call people to break down the walls that divide us and bravely engage in deep, intimate friendship with one another. in april the first sacred friendship gathering centered on cross-gender friendships is happening in chicago; i feel privileged to be sharing there and would love for you to come be part of this important conversation! if you can’t attend but would like to help someone else have a chance to go, scholarships are greatly needed so that as many people as possible can be challenged to consider the practice of deeper friendship. also, they are pulling this off as a labor of love on a shoestring budget, so let dan know if you can help!

dreaming & making what could be, be.

Posted on Jan 16, 2012 in church stuff, dreams, equality, incarnational, the refuge | 11 comments

in honor of martin luther king, jr. day, i thought i would post a little excerpt about dreams from my book, down we go: living into the wild ways of Jesus. it was originally inspired by a post i wrote in 2007 for the refuge blog called “we have a dream”; then i modified it in 2009 for communitas collective & shared a re-dux in 2010 in honor of MLK day two years ago. last year, when i was writing the book, it went through another revision. each time i read it i am reminded that part of making what could be, be begins with dreaming.

however, the kingdom isn’t going to just drop out of the sky. we are going to have to be active participants in creating it. it is hard. it is uphill. it is against the grain. but it’s possible. and what Jesus challenges us to as his followers.

so here you go, some of my own little church-faith-life dreams, capital letters and all, from pages 85-87:

Making What Could Be, Be.

As a dreamer, I like to imagine what could be.

Despite some of my cynicism about church systems, I am still an idealist. Change is possible; otherwise I would have given up a long time ago. I am still foolish enough to think that our wild “God dreams” are possible. I think when Jesus said “Your Kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:10), he meant that the Kingdom was possible now. I also know it’s possible because I see it every day in small and beautiful ways. I see the marginalized, forgotten, neglected and abused finding love and hope through healing community.

For a lot of us, it’s hard to dream. Almost every time I challenge people to dream it stirs up fear and trouble. We’ve hoped before and had many of our dreams dashed, mocked and called unrealistic or impractical. Many have tried to make their dreams a reality in systems that rejected them, and they’ve lost a lot of hope. The thought of opening hearts back up again is too scary. Others are in the midst of living out dreams and are finding how hard they can sometimes be. Often we can think of all the reasons our dreams won’t work, so why even try?

But here’s why I think we should try. These Kingdom ways aren’t supposed to be a pipe dream, or an elusive, unrealistic and unobtainable idea that we know will never happen. Jesus’ ways of upside down living require imagination and hope. They require crazy people willing to live out what’s embedded deep inside their hearts, regardless of the cost. They require courageous women and men who risk their money, time and pride to go against the flow of the powerful status quo and create little pockets of love that reflect Jesus, rather than the world. They require humble disciples, followers of Christ, who try as best they can to heal the sick, feed the hungry, care for the poor, love the unlovely, and pass on hope in places where there is none. Most of all, these Kingdom ways require people with eyes to see more beauty and hope in the often ugly, messy, downward journey than on the predictable, comfortable upwardly mobile path.

The other night I was with some Refuge friends at our house talking about dreaming. Even though I want people to dream big, I also want people to dream small. To value simple ways we can move toward more of Christ’s love, life and hope in this world. I shared with my friends how many years ago I dreamed of the kind of community I am now part of—one that was inclusive, authentic and healing, and valued generosity, equality and the practice of love, above all. In my dreams, it looked completely different. Trust me, it was a lot prettier, easier, bigger and brighter. Yet, even though my original picture was different, the flesh and bones of what I had hoped for has come true. I’m experiencing it in real life. I am grateful but also not afraid to keep dreaming for more. I want others to have a chance to taste and see, too.

So I keep dreaming, trying to play my small part in the bigger story.

When I stop and allow myself to really imagine, I dream that we’d be people who took Jesus’ words seriously. We can’t just talk about it, but we actually have to be forgiving, loving, sacrificing and humble. I hope we are people willing to give away our stuff, care for the widows and orphans, die to ourselves, hug lepers, love our neighbors, lay down power and make peace with our enemies.

I dream that all people would feel valued, regardless of our differences. I hope we become people who refuse to let color, socioeconomics, gender, theologies, shapes, sizes, or social abilities get in the way of seeing the image of God and respecting each other’s worth, value and contribution to this world. I hope we will continue to find ways for women, men, white, brown, poor and rich to work equally and fully alongside one other as brothers, sisters, leaders and friends.

I dream that the divide between “us and them” will continue to crumble.

I dream that Christ-followers will form into an underground army of advocates, that we will stand with the marginalized, oppressed, poor and unlovely, and will risk our pride, position and power so that someone with none could get a little.

I dream that damage from the past and present will not paralyze us from living out who God made us to be; instead, we’d use our story to help another person.

I dream a whole bunch of us will find ways to create little pockets of love in places that desperately need them so that we will be known by the world as “those crazy people who never give up on the hurting, the lost, the oppressed and the outcasts.”

Never be afraid to dream.

these are some of mine. what are some of your dreams, no matter how big or small?

the catch-up list

Posted on Jan 7, 2012 in church stuff, down we go, dreams, healing, incarnational, injustice, women in ministry | 1 comment

wednesday my four youngest kids went back to school after a great winter break. yesterday i dropped my oldest son off at the airport and sent him back to college on the east coast. now it’s catch up time! i have all kinds of posts swirling around in my head and january is going to be wrap-up-what-i-started month. here are a few things i wanted to share before i dive back into real life next week:

one word – i decided to participate in this for 2012. in the past i’ve had five and end up never remembering any of them! here’s a post i wrote for the refuge blog that has some ideas if you haven’t already thought of one yet. my 2012 word is: focus. oh yeah, that’s the right word.

honoring doubt – my monthly contribution to sheloves magazine is on one of my favorite topics from down we go: honoring doubt. i hope we can keep creating safe spaces to honor doubt.

when Jesus met mary: a sacred friendship gathering – i am very excited to be part of this gathering–when Jesus met mary: a conference exploring friendship between men & women–in april in chicago centered on sacred cross-gender friendships hosted by my friend dan brennan. all of the details are on the website. let me know if you can come be part of this brave & much-needed conversation.

unladylike – my friend pam hogeweide’s book unladylike: resisting the injustice of inequality in the church is being released at the end of the is month by civitas press. you can preorder a copy now if you want. it rocks!

and the resignation of eve – my other northwest friend jim henderson is always stirring up some great stuff for us to consider. his new book the resignation of eve: what if adam’s rib is no longer willing to be the church’s backbone is coming out soon, too. i’m very glad this critical topic is getting some traction.

convergence – i couldn’t go last year because of a family trip but am planning on being there this year, march 2-4 in portland. this year’s theme is: staying power–presence & possibility as leaders. if you haven’t been before, it’s a really wonderful gathering of strong & passionate women.

synchroblog – we are starting off 2012 with a new teammate & a survey to help gather ideas for the upcoming year. if you are a blogger and want to be challenged to write on a variety of topics at the same time as other bloggers, all are welcome.

with communities - my awesome friend john martinez created a log-in-so-there’s-greater-safety-and-connection site for incarnational community cultivators who could use some support, input, encouragement, and connection with other people who believe that prepositions matter and are trying crazy stuff, too. check it out here.

walking wounded: hope for those hurt by the church – my friend phyllis mathis & i are hosting a 4 week online group for those of you out there who are painfully disillusioned by a faith or church experience. our october 2011 gathering in denver was great for those who could pull it off, but this is a chance for others to participate, too. because of some schedule conflicts, the date got moved to february 6th 2012. go to live it to the full to register & for all the details. if you or someone you know could use some healing, hope, laughter, and intention on getting unstuck, we’d love to have you join us. this little video is sort of serious (i promise we’ll laugh and have fun, too) but gives an idea of what we are doing. thanks for passing it on to friends who want to save some money on therapy and get some traction on healing in this new year.

i hope your year is getting off to a good start. i am looking forward to what’s ahead! peace, kathy

pain relief not pain removal

Posted on Dec 28, 2011 in incarnational, jesus is cool | 16 comments

*this post is part of the christmas synchroblog centered on Jesus came: did you get what you expected? i hope you all had a good christmas. ours was sweet & simple & really nice. i’ve been really unplugged all week and have enjoyed the quiet.

* * * * *

for advent, i wrote a post about hoping to be open: present, humble, vulnerable this christmas season. when i look back on it now, just over a month later, it makes me laugh. vulnerable is definitely the right word for the past month; i think i cried every day for a couple of weeks during advent! one of the hazards of this kind of living is when we risk our hearts, it will sometimes get trampled on. it’s part of the cost. and even though i’ve been in this place before and know the feeling, i can’t completely avoid the pain of feeling used and hurt, and doubting this is all worth it.

thankfully, the amazing Jesus-with-skin-on-people-in-my-life helped carry me through.

the past few weeks have felt a little more sane, a little more balanced, a little more clear. but at the same time, just as relief came, a new overwhelming feeling arose–the amount of needs in every direction. it’s nothing new, really, but maybe in my “open, present, vulnerable” season i felt it more. or maybe it’s because the holidays bring extra pain & struggle & need to the surface. the degree of poverty & pain & loneliness all around was just extra intense and caused me to question so many things. i found myself asking:

“does what we do even matter?”

“why even bother when the systems around everyone are so deeply grooved toward inequity and oppression?”

”maybe getting an inspiration high really will sustain people more than the little bit of tangible love we are able to pass on?”

“why in the %(#&!^!*!(! do people keep giving their money to church buildings when their money could help exponentially with basics like beds & dressers & gas & food & warm clothes to families who really need it?”

“God, you’ve got some people who really, really need hope right now. can you please help?”

the last one is the one that lingered. and i was reminded of what teresa of avila said:

“Christ has no body but yours. No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are his body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours.”

even though Jesus came into the world as a human and knows our pain and suffering and promised us life would be hard & harsh but that in him, we could have hope & joy & peace & love in the midst, i often forget.

i think the trouble is i actually long for pain removal. the absence of pain. the abracadabra kind of pain removal that some parts of my faith experience once promised. pray harder, hope more, surrender more, and it will be “gone”. i know better by now, i really do, but still, if i’m really honest, i keep wanting (and in weird crazy ways still expecting) pain removal.

what i got instead was a reminder that hope this side of heaven is about pain relief.

maybe that’s a piece of what the incarnation is about. pain relief.

we can’t remove pain. God doesn’t seem to remove pain, either. in fact, he chose to enter directly into it to provide relief in the midst. hope, healing, love, joy, mercy, peace.

and it most always seems to come through a weird combination of flesh & spirit.

hope, mercy, and love don’t drop out of the sky. they usually come from experience. from interactions. from real in-the-flesh relationships. from presents that get delivered even though we know they won’t make one bit of difference next month. from a hug that might be the only human touch someone receives all week. from a kind word when harsh ones are usually the only ones heard. from a hot meal around a messy kitchen table. from simple hellos to long, drawn-out conversations about deep wounds. from eyes meeting eyes and hearts meeting hearts.

these little things provide pain relief.

they won’t take away reality. they won’t change systems that will keep working against people. they won’t pay the bills next month. they won’t immediately mend a broken heart or get someone a job or heal a chronic illness or reconcile a failed marriage.

but they will provide some pain relief, a cup of cold water, a healing balm, a sweet fragrance.

on christmas eve when we were singing o holy night (by far my favorite carol), i felt these words stir my soul:

“truly he taught us to love one another, his law is love and his gospel is peace. chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother. and in his name all oppression shall cease.”

i have been thinking of this since christmas eve. i keep wanting big oppression to cease. i keep wanting all the chains to break that keep people stuck. i keep wanting freedom & comfort my way. really, i keep wanting pain removal.

but i was reminded this season, yet again and again, how the small things make a difference. that our hands and feet and hearts and eyes and ears matter. that when we intersect with each other in love, chains break and oppression ceases, if even for that moment. that Jesus is alive & well & moving & healing & transforming & revealing love in us and through us and with us.

yeah, in all kinds of ways, i got some pain relief this christmas. thank you, God. i hope i was able to pass some on, too.

* * * * *

other bloggers writing on the same topic, enjoy:

Glenn Hager – Underwear For Christmas
Jeremy Myers – The Unexpected Gift From Jesus
Jeff Goins - The Day After Christmas: A Lament
Wendy McCaig – Unwanted Gifts: You Can Run But You Can Not Hide
Christine Sine – The Wait Is Over – What Did I Get?
Maria Kettleson Anderson – Following The Baby We Just Celebrated
Leah – Still Waiting For Redemption

3, well 4, christmas-y things

Posted on Dec 19, 2011 in incarnational, spiritual formation, the refuge | 7 comments

well here we go, the last few days before christmas. it was 67 degrees here in colorado yesterday & snowing today! it has been a really wild & crazy refuge week with several of my most favorite events–serving dinner at joshua station, a beautiful transitional housing program in denver that we love, our 6th annual refuge single moms crazy christmas brunch (with a visit from mrs. claus, in rare form), & our annual refuge christmas dinner celebration together, carols & games & great food together. a local grocery store helped us provide gifts for a bunch of families connected in some way, shape or form to the refuge, so it was pretty fun to get to play santa, too. yesterday i woke up really happy & grateful for our little wild community and also relieved that now it’s just cruising toward christmas eve. my kids are all off school & my son’s coming home from college tonight & i’m looking forward to a lot of movies & just hanging out together for the next few weeks (and hoping the 67 degree weather will return, ha ha).

i wanted to share a few christmas-y things before i sign off for the week.

first, here’s a video reflection from our saturday night’s gathering centered on God’s stories, our stories. it’s funny how 6 minutes feels so long in our fast-paced world but how nice it was to take the time to just soak in and be quiet. i also have no idea why the part that shows at the beginning is “is it a story of pain?” but i guess youtube somehow knows me too well?

second, tonight at 9pm eastern time, in honor of advent & Jesus entering into the world in the flesh, i’ll be having a twitter conversation with my throwing parties & telling stories friend steve knight about “incarnational vs. missional” we’ll converse on twitter & then have a skype chat afterward. would love for you to be part if you can. the hashtag is #missionalchat.

lastly, i thought i’d share this fun picture of my family because it makes me happy. i don’t share a lot about my kiddos here on the blog because they already have to put up with a lot of annoying things about me but i knew they wouldn’t mind this one! it’s our christmas picture this year & the good news is i’m jumping, although obviously not as high as jose. a year post-back-surgery it is a huge blessing. my kiddos range from almost 20 down to twins that are 12. life’s good.

i’ll close with this beautiful prayer from christine sine’s gorgeous advent liturgies and reflections–waiting for the light. we used it a few weeks ago at the refuge. i guess that’s actually 4 christmas-y things!

Come Down, Come In and Make Us Whole

This is a season of watchfulness.

We watch for the One who hears our cries and shares the suffering of our world.

This is a season of promise.

We wait for the promised coming of Emmanuel, God with us, God for us, God in us.

This is a season of reflection.

We expect to be transformed so we can be bearers of light in God’s kingdom.

So Come, Jesus, Come.

Into our troubles and weaknesses.

Into the barren places of our souls, Come Lord,