healing

rebuilding after deconstructing

Posted on Apr 16, 2012 in healing, spiritual formation | 34 comments

“see i’m doing a new thing.
now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
i am making a way in the wilderness,
streams in the wasteland.”

- isaiah 43:19-20

* * *

i know many people who have gone, are going through, or will go through a gut-wrenching, excruciatingly painful and lonely season in their faith called “deconstruction.”

where much of what we believe shifts.
where things we once held dear unravel.
where the number of questions begin to overtake all of our past certainties.
where we find ourselves saying “uh oh, our faith might be in big trouble.”
where we lose the safety of familiar communities because we’ve changed.

it’s scary stuff.

we can laugh about the slippery slope, but when we’re in the middle of the free-fall, it’s anything but funny.

some of us enter deconstruction willingly. we sat through too many church services that made us queazy with songs-with-words-we-stopped-feeling-good-about-singing, predictable messages, certainty, and focus on belief instead of practice. something stirred within us and we started asking the questions swirling around in our head.

others of us were pushed into deconstruction by wounding church experiences. we saw one too many inconsistencies, abuses of power, or crazy-stuff-that-only-insiders-sometimes-see that pushed us over the edge and called everything into question.

there are many ways we find ourselves on this scary, weird, unexpected path, but our stories probably have many of the same threads–doubt, emptiness, loneliness, sadness, fear, anger, and confusion.

over the years i have seen many dear friends walk away from the system and find a renewed faith outside of “the church.”

others have found new faith communities to worship & grow that gave them freedom & space.

i have also seen many completely ditch all-things-God, sure that there’s nothing left for them anymore.

a chunk of others have made a u-turn back, having stuck their toe in the murky waters of a different, free-er faith and realized that anything new was just too weird & uncomfortable.

one thing that makes me the most sad about “church” is how few places we have for deconstruction. the mystics and desert mothers & fathers knew that seeking something deeper was a natural part of spiritual growth. they weren’t afraid of questions & doubts and trusted the guiding, faithful work of the Holy Spirit to keep showing sojourners the way. we, however, have built systems, buildings, and organizations upon certainty, right belief, and a clear path that makes us feel comfortable.

because of this, most of our groups don’t know quite what to do with deconstructors.

honestly, had it not been for the refuge i’m not sure where i would have landed. i have had a safe space to wrestle with this hard stuff. although i believe i’ll always be in process, i do find myself on firmer ground than in years past, more able to say with confidence “this is the direction i am walking” and not worry as much about what others think.

often, when deconstructors start to rebuild, we can feel guilty about it. we worry that others who haven’t rebuilt anything will think we’re being stupid or playing too safe. some deconstructors wear a badge of honor that says “see, we picked it all apart and we’re a lot smarter than everyone else” (trust me, i’m not throwing stones on this one!). there are also many others who don’t wish this pain on anyone because they know the costs.

at the same time, when others around them are rebuilding and finding firmer ground to stand on, deconstructors can feel extra-sad and even more off-kilter when they are still in such a different place.

on this process, we cannot follow the crowds or people-please or do-what-we-think-good-christians-are-supposed-to-do. all of that will get us into more trouble.

rebuilding requires bravely finding our own unique path with God, and there are many ways to build something new.

over time, i’ve discovered there’s a lot more written about deconstructing than rebuilding. rebuilding is touchy because for many it can feel like pressure to “come back to the christian system” instead of helping people find a renewed faith.

please know i care about faith more than systems. God is big and works in all kinds of wild & beautiful ways. part of renewed faith may include becoming part of something clearly-defined-as-”church” again, but it might not, too. (but i’m not afraid to say i always hope it includes some form of community, connection with people and our passions that is challenging & satisfying).

i love easter because it’s a symbol of a time of re-birth, renewal, resurrection, and rebuilding. in the spirit of this season, i have a short series of posts centered on the process of rebuilding & renewal after deconstructing–how do we find our way to a new place in our faith after walking away from so much of it?

i’ll start with 7 posts over two weeks until it’s done (otherwise it lasts forever & i get lost).

here they are, broad areas that help on the path of rebuilding:

honoring the process
acknowledging losses
discovering what remains
finding what works
celebrating what was
igniting passion
exploring possibilities

there are many others, but these are the ones that i have stumbled & bumbled upon in my own journey and through participating with others as a spiritual midwife in different ways. a few blog posts won’t make or break anyone’s process. but i hope that those who feel a little lost & lonely, wondering how in the $*@^$&!? they ended up here, might gather some love & light & direction for this wild & crazy journey toward something new.

i pray for each of us, that we’ll keep finding our way.

* * * * *

a few other things i wanted to quickly highlight:

new addition to the blog–a facebook “like” button. i’m really technologically challenged on these kinds of things so any development feels like major progress. thanks for using (if you actually like it, ha ha).

this sunday april 22nd i’ll be in phoenix processing through some of the ideas in down we go: living into the wild ways of Jesus with one of my favorite groups, emerging desert. they have created a safe & challenging space for church refugees, dreamers, and justice-pursuers. if you live in the area and want to join us, would love to see you. here are the details.

my brave & lovely blog friend sarah bessey created the change she wanted to see by pulling together a list of 50 church & faith female bloggers after a 200-person list recently was released with less than 10 women on it (yes, people, we still have a long way to go on real change). check out some of these passionate & wise & often-overlooked voices here:

alongside

Posted on Apr 12, 2012 in dreams, equality, healing, incarnational, leadership, relationships | 15 comments

the refuge turns 6 years old this month! it’s so hard to believe. some days it seems like yesterday and other days it feels like decades ago. there are many things to celebrate about the past 6 years. i continue to learn more than i ever bargained for about God, life, love, friendship, and leadership. some days i still want to run for the hills, but i’m learning something here that i’m not sure i’d ever learn somewhere else.

for me, one of the most important and beautiful parts of life together here has been what it looks like for men & women to live, learn, love, and lead alongside each other as equals, as brothers and sisters and friends. often, i am in situations where i realize how rare this really is.

i respect that there are definitely places for only women’s groups & only men’s groups. but there is so much we can’t learn when we are always segregated, relegated only to being above or below one another, or full of fear.

i wish more men and women would bravely dive into the deep end of learning how to live alongside each other as leaders, brothers & sisters, and friends.

there aren’t a lot of great models of people sharing power, learning to be friends, and deepening connection across sexes “in church.” one of the greatest gifts i received in the life of the refuge has been meeting other people who are practicing “alongside” in their lives, their ministries. they are diffusing power, developing cross-gender friendships, and cultivating intentional community where men & women are really equals. they are few but growing in number. their example inspires and challenges me to push against all of the voices that say “it’s not possible” and continue to live out the dream despite the obstacles.

here’s what i keep learning about men and women “alongside “ each other:

“alongside” heals shame. shame has tried to ruin me, and so many other people i know. inequality perpetuates shame for those “underneath” others. having to step up and live equally as a leader forces me to reckon with my shame. the first few years of the refuge i felt so bad about leading–and wanting to lead–because i had been taught i wasn’t supposed to. also, “alongside” has helped shame from my past. being honest with safe women friends was a huge start, but even more healing came when my male friends knew my real story, too, and help me release it. to heal, i need not only mothers & sisters but fathers & brothers, too.

“alongside” is a reflection of the kingdom. Jesus said that the kingdom of God was possible now. that we didn’t have to wait until heaven to experience God’s reality. Jesus blasts hierarchical divides and cuts through the things that separate and divide. equality is freeing. as we step into side by side relationships, the kingdom is reflected in both sexes and we participate in Christ’s healing of the brokenness that Genesis 3 brought into the world.

“alongside” teaches us courage. i always say “courage is doing hard things scared.” alongside as equals requires courage. when my husband and i moved from a complementarian-ish relationship to an egalitarian one, it freaked both of us out. we were scared because we knew how to do the way we had been doing it. when my friend karl called me to co-lead pastor with him instead of be an associate, it freaked me out. i knew in my heart it was the right thing but i was terrified to not have the fallback of him being in charge of me somehow, the only model i knew as an evangelical woman. the first time my friend shared with me the reality of his sexual addiction, it freaked me out, that level of sharing. but i knew that moment was a holy one. i needed to be brave, to stay in, to listen, to learn.

“alongside” requires faith. i’m constantly reminded how much of my christian life has not been about faith (even though it sounded like it) but rather about control (as a way for managing fear). segregation between sexes is a way of staying in control. integration and learning how to be more whole alongside each other requires walking out in faith, traveling a path without clear instructions. i recently heard someone say, “you’ll never stub your toe standing still.” we only stub our toe when we’re moving somewhere, practicing, trying, walking. oh, how many times i’ve stubbed my toe over the past few years! but each and every time i have learned something about God, myself, others. faith is never strengthened staying still.

so that’s what i’m learning these days in the deep end of the pool. diving in was one of the best things i’ve ever done.

God, give us courage to live alongside each other equally as men & women, brothers & sisters, lovers, and friends. we want to be a reflection of you.

* * * * *

ps: it’s not too late to register for a challenging & inspiring gathering centered on cross-gender friendships called when jesus met mary: a sacred friendship gathering. it’s friday and saturday, april 27th & 28th in chicago. i am really looking forward to being part of this and meeting some of you in real life there, too!

pps: i’m on a bit of a blog-roll these days, writing more than i have in a while. i’ve learned in these moments the best thing is to go for it and stay current, otherwise the moment’s often gone. tomorrow i’m finally sharing a post i’ve been meaning to with a bunch of good stuff to check out. on monday i am really looking forward to a new post-easter series called “reconstruction after deconstruction”, 8 posts centered on the brutal but beautiful process of restoring faith after loss & shifts.

jenga faith

Posted on Apr 10, 2012 in fundamentalism, healing, spiritual formation | 18 comments

thank you all for your love & honesty about sunday’s post when easter is hard. i am always reminded in these moments how many amazing people are out there feeling similar feelings in different ways. i’m more convinced than ever we need an underground railroad to help each other on the way to freedom. the timing of this month’s synchroblog is interesting, too, because it is centered on the resurrection & “what if it was really a hoax”, a controversial conversation sure to stir up some challenging perspectives. i am traveling this week and last week was a wild & crazy holy week so didn’t have time to write a post specifically for it. but as i was walking yesterday i remembered this post i had written almost exactly 4 easters ago called jenga faith (it was from one of my first few months of blogging, holy smokes i’ve been doing this for a long time now!). i hadn’t read it in several years so it was interesting that it came up in several conversations with friends this past week. i thought i’d throw it into the mix for this month’s topic & maybe for those who might be reading post-easter who are wrestling with doubt. . i’d love to hear what it stirs up. i’ll post the synchroblog link list once they come in later today.

* * * * *

many i know are going through huge transformation & transition in their faith. it’s a scary, scary process. giving up clearly held tenets of the faith: hills we used to be willing to die on….issues we used to be bulldogs about, refusing to waiver…positions & theology that brought us a wonderful sense of comfort because they were just so “clear”…”it says right here in the Bible” kinds of answers to extremely complicated questions.

i recently shared with a friend that all of this spiritual shifting can feel a lot like the game of jenga. in the game of jenga, the idea is to keep the tower from falling when various pieces keep getting taken out. in the game of spiritual jenga, some of us wonder, “if i take out this piece is the whole christian tower going to fall any minute?”….”will this one end it all for me?”…”how far can i go before the whole thing crumbles?” a lot of times i think “i’m a pastor for goodness sake, i can get in trouble for ‘not knowing’ like i used to.’” (by who, i have no idea, it’s just the weird stuff that rattles around in my head, and i am grateful for my community where we can process these jenga pieces out loud, look at them, talk about them, disagree about them and still love each other and trust each other’s journey).

while i clearly understand there are many people deconstructing from christianity right and left, becoming atheists, walking away from their christian faith completely, finding meaning and purpose in different types of communities that don’t use the word “religion”, i am finding that even though i’ve been pulling out some jenga pieces over the past few years, my christian tower hasn’t crumbled. i am comforted that i am not alone. there are lots of us living with jenga-holed faith that is beautiful and wild and probably even stronger than it ever was before (even though it often doesn’t feel like it).

regardless of the holes, i still believe in Jesus. i still believe in the weird and crazy ways of the Spirit, the unexplainable way God brings hope, peace, and freedom to darkness, brokenness, and emptiness. the upside-down ways expressed in the sermon on the mount still resonate in deep places in my heart and stir up a desire to live this short life on earth differently. i believe in the power of Jesus’ love and that it gets expressed in many diverse and wonderful ways that cross over our limitations of language and expression and culture. i do still really love the conviction and hope scripture brings.

and when i think of the power of the cross this holy week, it is comforting to me in ways that all of my cynicism about weird religious stuff and church politics can’t take away.

i don’t have new answers to all of the jenga pieces i have taken out over these past few years. it’s not like i simply replaced the blocks with new certain, stronger, better ones. i am living in the tension of a lot of holes, a lot of uncertainty about things that somehow don’t seem to matter as much as i thought they did. some blocks i’ve looked at for a while and put back in. they didn’t need to come out all the way. others, i honestly don’t think they are going to be finessed back into place or placed back at the top; they’re pretty much out of the game.

when i reflect on Jesus’ ministry in the gospels i am reminded that he didn’t really have a long list of pieces that i needed to have in my jenga tower in order for it to stand. in fact, he sort of honed in on what was enough to focus on: love God, love people, including ourselves.

honestly, that is plenty to play with.

* * * * *

here’s the link list:

Marta – On Faith Seeking Understanding, Truth, and Theology
Carol Kuniholm – Risen Indeed? The Hermeneutic Community
Tim Nichols – How Would Life be Different if Jesus did not Rise?
Glenn – Kingdom Come or Kingdom Now?
Sonja Andrews – The Resurrection and the Life
Josh Morgan – The Role of the Resurrection
Abbie Watters – What if the Resurrection were a lie?
Minnow – Resurrection Impact
Leah – Resurrection – Or Not!
Hey Sonnie – The Resurrection Hoax
Liz Dyer – The Resurrection I Firmly Believe In
Ellen Haroutunian – Is There a Christianity Without the Resurrection?
Jeannette Altes – What if…
Christine Sine – If the Resurrection did not happen, how would the world be different?
KW Leslie – Supposing Jesus is Dead
Travis Mamone – If the Resurrection was a Hoax
Kathy Escobar – Jenga Faith
Jeremy Myers – What if Jesus Did not Rise?

when easter’s hard.

Posted on Apr 8, 2012 in church stuff, healing | 75 comments

most of you already all know that i love easter because i’m always rambling about it. i’m definitely not alone on this one. it’s the most popular christian holiday & many more people-who-don’t-identify-with-the-Jesusy-part-of-easter love it, too, with all its chocolate & springtime & fun.

we already celebrated last night at the refuge (we get resurrection sunday about 12 hours earlier than everyone else because we gather on saturday nights). it was sweet & wild & fun, with one of my favorite songs ever and lovely stories of resurrection.

but these days i know more & more people who struggle with easter. in fact, they dread it. it’s become a sad day. a weird day. a disorienting day. a day where the reality of everything they’ve lost when it comes to faith & church is most evident.

today i wanted to honor the reality that while facebook & twitter & churches are abuzz with “he is risen!” and “hallelujahs!”, there are a lot of people who aren’t feeling it today.

and they’re not the people who are happily telling stories about the easter bunny, not at all concerned about going to church no matter how many times their neighbors invite them on christmas & easter. for those friends, they are free from the religious parts of easter.

rather, these current & sometimes-calling-themselves-former christians have spent countless years & hours & heart & time & energy investing in the churches they were part of. they were true believers, dedicated leaders, faithful followers. they were people who knew the Bible inside and out and loved God and people with their whole heart. they were the first ones there every easter sunday.

this is a group that are often forgotten on this day–ex-church-folks who long for the connection & community & hope that easter offers but can’t bring themselves to walk into any of them this year. they’re what my friend & compatriot in walking wounded: hope for those hurt by church, phyllis mathis, calls “allergic” to church, far beyond just not liking it.

it would be easy to dismiss them, and say “well, they just need to get over it, it’s just one hour” or “we can’t let them ruin our fun” without acknowledging that it really stinks when the luster of easter erodes and you find yourself out on the fringes of everything that once was familiar.

when the thought of walking into a church makes you feel a little sick.

when all of the words to the songs seem silly.

when you’re not sure what you believe about a lot of things you used to believe and so what’s easter supposed to mean then?

when the predictability of the sermons & the messages & the whole kit-and-kaboodle could potentially cause you to jump out of your seat and start screaming.

when nothing related to “church” feels safe or good right now.

i just wanted to say something out loud about it this easter instead of ignore it.

to remind my friends that even though i don’t know this exact feeling because i have my crazy community that is still a safe spot to celebrate easter, i hurt with you for the loss.

to acknowledge that it’s real and not crazy.

to say out loud that i really wish there were better options to hold a sacred space for this season of the spiritual journey that felt familiar enough.

to honor that it really sucks when the system hijacked so much of the good stuff and holds it hostage.

i am well aware that it’s never a great idea to write about something that i haven’t also experienced myself. but i also don’t want to be one of those people who just keeps walking past, so busy in my own little world that i don’t stop to acknowledge my brothers-and-sisters-who-have-lost-so-much.

most of all, my hope is that if you are hurting & lost this easter, that somehow, some way, some slivers of Hope & Resurrection come peeking through this year and you feel less alone.

peace & love from colorado.

scapegoats.

Posted on Apr 4, 2012 in healing, spiritual formation | 11 comments

scapegoat: [skeyp-goht] a person or group made to bear the blame for others or to suffer in their place.

* * * * *

this post has been swirling around in my head for over a year now and i finally got a chance to sit down over a month ago and write it. then i still didn’t post it until now. i think i’ve been avoiding it because i don’t want to listen to my own words, ha ha.

in a recent conversation about church woundedness with a few friends i was reminded how there’s a similar pattern in many of these kinds of painful stories–a scapegoat.

on the journey toward easter, we prepare for the biggest scapegoat in history–Jesus. we see what happens to a scapegoat. we see how the crowds turn in a snap. we see betrayal. we see the consequence of our sociological dysfunctions and human brokenness.

it’s easy to keep scapegoat language safely tucked into the old testament or in the Jesus story and forget how powerful and strong it is at work today–in families, groups, organizations, almost any system we are in. rene girard, a french sociologist/philosopher, writes about this in his well-researched and utterly fascinating mimetic theory. last year i was part of a 2 day intensive hosted by my friends at center for transforming mission that processed some of these ideas together. while my head was spinning with ideas far above my limited, give-me-the-practical brain, i was deeply moved by it. he nailed a critical point about human nature–our tendency toward violence.

violence doesn’t always look like guns & bombs & physical assault. violence looks like turning against our brothers & sisters & ourselves & God to protect ourselves. this can come out in all kinds of different ways that are far more subtle than war.

we separate. we turn against. we withdraw. we blame. we point the finger. we circle our wagons.

all in an effort to protect ourselves, to save our own skin.

families use scapegoats. companies use scapegoats. churches use scapegoats. politicians use scapegoats.

they help groups & systems stay insulated & protected.

it will be easy for some of us to read this and connect with the feeling of being a scapegoat. unfortunately, i know the feeling. it sucks. it hurts. it’s violent. it’s really hard to recover from. it’s easy to say that it’s inconsistent with the ways of Jesus, and i believe it is. but it’s actually very consistent with what Jesus experienced. 2,000 years ago we witnessed the biggest sociological experiment in history; and now we are participants in the same weird, violent, oh-so-not-the-way-it-has-to-be patterns.

subtly, directly, we are often looking for the scapegoat or maybe somehow living out being one.

either way is icky.

groups create a scapegoat to protect the group from looking at their own dysfunction.

and we create scapegoats to protect ourselves from the same thing.

it is a way to deflect things away from ourselves and direct our energies toward easier, safer targets. we often forget that when we point our finger, we’ve got one finger pointing toward “them” and three fingers pointing toward “us.”

it’s so easy to blame others. to wrap up all my pain & shame & ugliness and put it in the spot called “someone else’s fault.” i do not for a minute want to minimize the real and clear damage that many have endured when we became the scapegoat in our families, churches, companies, etc.

but for the sake of the spirit of holy week and honest reflection, i’d like to center my energies on how i use scapegoats as a way to deflect my own pain.

i can blame “the church.”
i can blame the politicians.
i can blame other people.
i can blame my addictions.
i can blame my past.
i can blame God.
i can blame myself for things that aren’t even my fault (my specialty).

i can blame a long list of people & things & circumstances & situations that help me find some temporary relief for my suffering.

but the relief that scapegoating brings is only temporary.

the reality always remains. in every system, after someone is scapegoated, the same ugly unhealthy stuff remains underneath that will continue to perpetuate the same ugly unhealthy stuff on the top over time.

scapegoating buffers us from the reality that we have things in our hearts that we need to reckon with. for me, most all roads lead to fear–fear of rejection, failure, of being unloved or not enough.

i think part of this reflective season is acknowledging our scapegoats–the things we blame & direct our anger toward so that we don’t have to look at the deeper pain within.

scapegoats split us and perpetuate violence against ourselves & others & God.

Jesus brings shalom, wholeness, integration–a better way. a humble way. a vulnerable way.

scapegoating is easier at first; but in the end, it leads to death.

humility is harder at first; but in the end, it leads to life.

God, show us how to be people of humility & peace, not violence & blame.

replacing the “f” word with the “d” word (no, not those ones!)

Posted on Mar 20, 2012 in church stuff, dreams, equality, ex good christian women, healing, injustice, jesus is cool | 24 comments

* this post is part of the monthly synchroblog, different bloggers writing on the same topic. this month’s topic is around gender equality, an issue near and dear to my heart. check out the link list at the bottom of this post to read the other posts (i’ll add more as they come in).

* * * * *

“i have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made straight and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.” – martin luther king, jr.

feminist is a dirty word in a lot of Christian circles. it has come to be associated with anger and reverse sexism and all kinds of other things that were never the idea. i personally don’t mind being called a Christian feminist because it goes with the territory; i am a passionate advocate for the liberation of women and am grateful for those who have gone before us and will go after us to pave the way for greater equality. at the same time, i’m not crazy about the word.

like the word “church” and “pastor” and a lot of other loaded words, i think we need to try to reclaim them or at least come up with some better ones that describe what we mean without such negative connotations. for me, i am not a feminist for the sake of women’s power.

rather, i am for dignity-restoring-in-all-the-places-where-it-has-been-lost.

when people are thought of as less-than, no matter what shape, size, color, gender, or experience, their dignity is stripped. period.

when 1/2 the population of the world is generally thought as less-than and inferior somehow, we’re in some pretty big trouble.

i don’t feel a strong call to promote the “f” word of “feminism”.

but i do feel a deep & burning passion to promote the “d” word–”dignity”- for all people.

we are all made in the image of God and have inherent worth because of it. many complementarians will agree, saying that men & women are “equal in value but different in role” but i believe they miss the point and underestimate how powerful the “under another” theology creates a propensity to oppress, silence, limit, and reduce.

it strips us of our dignity.

women are seen as less-than in most cultures. they were in Jesus’ time, too.

but he, God in the flesh, embodied something radically important–restoration of the dignity of not only women but anyone who was thought of as less-than.

still, the church of Jesus Christ, which should be the free-est, most radically inclusive, least-oppressive, safest space in town has tossed out a lot of what he modeled and went on to perpetuate inequality toward women in the same old ways. we’ve used a few scripture verses and an already-deeply-grooved-against-women-cultural-system to perpetuate oppression instead of follow Jesus’ example of restoring dignity & setting people free–like really free.

i do not want to see women empowered so that they can then power up on others & create the same kinds of inequality we already have, only in reverse. that would not be reflective of the kingdom of God, which is what God has called us to participate in creating.

rather, i want to see women set free to step into who they were created to be without man-made limitations that strip their dignity so that the reality of God can be reflected in all God’s children, here & now. when that original image of God is uncovered, unburied, fanned into flame, all kinds of beautiful things emerge.

men’s dignity will be restored, too.

the systems we have perpetuated haven’t only robbed women of their worth. they’ve robbed men of theirs, too. they’ve reduced them to stereotypical roles that they can’t live up to. they’ve put men in a place of wielding power that they didn’t even necessarily want. the systems have limited the possibilities of finding equal, strong partners.

dignity restoration is contagious.

over time, the divides that usually separate us can be crossed.

over time, families, neighborhoods, cities, organizations, nations will be changed.

over time, beside each other together as equals, we can more freely reflect the image of God in every relationship and system we are in.

to me, there’s nothing more beautiful than dignity-restored.

yeah, i don’t think we need more Feminists.

i think we need more Dignity-restorers.

* * * * *