equality

alongside

Posted on Apr 12, 2012 in dreams, equality, healing, incarnational, leadership, relationships | 15 comments

the refuge turns 6 years old this month! it’s so hard to believe. some days it seems like yesterday and other days it feels like decades ago. there are many things to celebrate about the past 6 years. i continue to learn more than i ever bargained for about God, life, love, friendship, and leadership. some days i still want to run for the hills, but i’m learning something here that i’m not sure i’d ever learn somewhere else.

for me, one of the most important and beautiful parts of life together here has been what it looks like for men & women to live, learn, love, and lead alongside each other as equals, as brothers and sisters and friends. often, i am in situations where i realize how rare this really is.

i respect that there are definitely places for only women’s groups & only men’s groups. but there is so much we can’t learn when we are always segregated, relegated only to being above or below one another, or full of fear.

i wish more men and women would bravely dive into the deep end of learning how to live alongside each other as leaders, brothers & sisters, and friends.

there aren’t a lot of great models of people sharing power, learning to be friends, and deepening connection across sexes “in church.” one of the greatest gifts i received in the life of the refuge has been meeting other people who are practicing “alongside” in their lives, their ministries. they are diffusing power, developing cross-gender friendships, and cultivating intentional community where men & women are really equals. they are few but growing in number. their example inspires and challenges me to push against all of the voices that say “it’s not possible” and continue to live out the dream despite the obstacles.

here’s what i keep learning about men and women “alongside “ each other:

“alongside” heals shame. shame has tried to ruin me, and so many other people i know. inequality perpetuates shame for those “underneath” others. having to step up and live equally as a leader forces me to reckon with my shame. the first few years of the refuge i felt so bad about leading–and wanting to lead–because i had been taught i wasn’t supposed to. also, “alongside” has helped shame from my past. being honest with safe women friends was a huge start, but even more healing came when my male friends knew my real story, too, and help me release it. to heal, i need not only mothers & sisters but fathers & brothers, too.

“alongside” is a reflection of the kingdom. Jesus said that the kingdom of God was possible now. that we didn’t have to wait until heaven to experience God’s reality. Jesus blasts hierarchical divides and cuts through the things that separate and divide. equality is freeing. as we step into side by side relationships, the kingdom is reflected in both sexes and we participate in Christ’s healing of the brokenness that Genesis 3 brought into the world.

“alongside” teaches us courage. i always say “courage is doing hard things scared.” alongside as equals requires courage. when my husband and i moved from a complementarian-ish relationship to an egalitarian one, it freaked both of us out. we were scared because we knew how to do the way we had been doing it. when my friend karl called me to co-lead pastor with him instead of be an associate, it freaked me out. i knew in my heart it was the right thing but i was terrified to not have the fallback of him being in charge of me somehow, the only model i knew as an evangelical woman. the first time my friend shared with me the reality of his sexual addiction, it freaked me out, that level of sharing. but i knew that moment was a holy one. i needed to be brave, to stay in, to listen, to learn.

“alongside” requires faith. i’m constantly reminded how much of my christian life has not been about faith (even though it sounded like it) but rather about control (as a way for managing fear). segregation between sexes is a way of staying in control. integration and learning how to be more whole alongside each other requires walking out in faith, traveling a path without clear instructions. i recently heard someone say, “you’ll never stub your toe standing still.” we only stub our toe when we’re moving somewhere, practicing, trying, walking. oh, how many times i’ve stubbed my toe over the past few years! but each and every time i have learned something about God, myself, others. faith is never strengthened staying still.

so that’s what i’m learning these days in the deep end of the pool. diving in was one of the best things i’ve ever done.

God, give us courage to live alongside each other equally as men & women, brothers & sisters, lovers, and friends. we want to be a reflection of you.

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ps: it’s not too late to register for a challenging & inspiring gathering centered on cross-gender friendships called when jesus met mary: a sacred friendship gathering. it’s friday and saturday, april 27th & 28th in chicago. i am really looking forward to being part of this and meeting some of you in real life there, too!

pps: i’m on a bit of a blog-roll these days, writing more than i have in a while. i’ve learned in these moments the best thing is to go for it and stay current, otherwise the moment’s often gone. tomorrow i’m finally sharing a post i’ve been meaning to with a bunch of good stuff to check out. on monday i am really looking forward to a new post-easter series called “reconstruction after deconstruction”, 8 posts centered on the brutal but beautiful process of restoring faith after loss & shifts.

replacing the “f” word with the “d” word (no, not those ones!)

Posted on Mar 20, 2012 in church stuff, dreams, equality, ex good christian women, healing, injustice, jesus is cool | 24 comments

* this post is part of the monthly synchroblog, different bloggers writing on the same topic. this month’s topic is around gender equality, an issue near and dear to my heart. check out the link list at the bottom of this post to read the other posts (i’ll add more as they come in).

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“i have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made straight and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.” – martin luther king, jr.

feminist is a dirty word in a lot of Christian circles. it has come to be associated with anger and reverse sexism and all kinds of other things that were never the idea. i personally don’t mind being called a Christian feminist because it goes with the territory; i am a passionate advocate for the liberation of women and am grateful for those who have gone before us and will go after us to pave the way for greater equality. at the same time, i’m not crazy about the word.

like the word “church” and “pastor” and a lot of other loaded words, i think we need to try to reclaim them or at least come up with some better ones that describe what we mean without such negative connotations. for me, i am not a feminist for the sake of women’s power.

rather, i am for dignity-restoring-in-all-the-places-where-it-has-been-lost.

when people are thought of as less-than, no matter what shape, size, color, gender, or experience, their dignity is stripped. period.

when 1/2 the population of the world is generally thought as less-than and inferior somehow, we’re in some pretty big trouble.

i don’t feel a strong call to promote the “f” word of “feminism”.

but i do feel a deep & burning passion to promote the “d” word–”dignity”- for all people.

we are all made in the image of God and have inherent worth because of it. many complementarians will agree, saying that men & women are “equal in value but different in role” but i believe they miss the point and underestimate how powerful the “under another” theology creates a propensity to oppress, silence, limit, and reduce.

it strips us of our dignity.

women are seen as less-than in most cultures. they were in Jesus’ time, too.

but he, God in the flesh, embodied something radically important–restoration of the dignity of not only women but anyone who was thought of as less-than.

still, the church of Jesus Christ, which should be the free-est, most radically inclusive, least-oppressive, safest space in town has tossed out a lot of what he modeled and went on to perpetuate inequality toward women in the same old ways. we’ve used a few scripture verses and an already-deeply-grooved-against-women-cultural-system to perpetuate oppression instead of follow Jesus’ example of restoring dignity & setting people free–like really free.

i do not want to see women empowered so that they can then power up on others & create the same kinds of inequality we already have, only in reverse. that would not be reflective of the kingdom of God, which is what God has called us to participate in creating.

rather, i want to see women set free to step into who they were created to be without man-made limitations that strip their dignity so that the reality of God can be reflected in all God’s children, here & now. when that original image of God is uncovered, unburied, fanned into flame, all kinds of beautiful things emerge.

men’s dignity will be restored, too.

the systems we have perpetuated haven’t only robbed women of their worth. they’ve robbed men of theirs, too. they’ve reduced them to stereotypical roles that they can’t live up to. they’ve put men in a place of wielding power that they didn’t even necessarily want. the systems have limited the possibilities of finding equal, strong partners.

dignity restoration is contagious.

over time, the divides that usually separate us can be crossed.

over time, families, neighborhoods, cities, organizations, nations will be changed.

over time, beside each other together as equals, we can more freely reflect the image of God in every relationship and system we are in.

to me, there’s nothing more beautiful than dignity-restored.

yeah, i don’t think we need more Feminists.

i think we need more Dignity-restorers.

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10 reasons why i’m an advocate for women’s liberation

Posted on Mar 9, 2012 in dreams, equality, ex good christian women, jesus is cool, women in ministry | 22 comments

yesterday was international women’s day. and like usual, i’m always a little late to the party. some people think i’m a broken record when it comes to women’s equality. i’m glad. i want to use my voice & hands & feet in any small ways i can to shift the tides of inequality & injustice that strip the dignity of women.

here’s why i’m pro-woman, pro-equality, pro-liberation-of-half-the-population:

1. i think Jesus was. every interaction Jesus had with women was to set them free and lift their burdens of bondage. and he said we were supposed to be like him. i don’t know why the church built on his name has done the exact opposite; it still baffles me.

2. women’s wisdom will make the world better. it’s said that the same way of thinking that got us into our problems can’t get us out. it’s time for some new minds & hearts to get in the mix so that more creative, peaceful, collaborative solutions can be considered in our families, cities, churches, ministries, and organizations.

3. it’s good for men, too. i don’t want things to shift to women on top & men beneath them, either. i’m pro-equality. our freedom is tied up together. when we learn how to be equals, alongside one another as partners, brothers & sisters, teammates, and friends, it reflects God’s image in all kinds of beautiful ways.

4. the church should be the leader of restoring dignity and equality, instead of dragging along behind. so i may not be able to change the whole big church but i can play my part in cultivating equality & freedom in our little one.

5. others need us to fight for their freedom. many can’t fight. we have liberties others don’t. our freedom is all tangled up together. if we stay stuck, others stay stuck. if we get free, we can participate in setting others free, too.

6. i have to look in my daughter’s eyes. i have a responsibility to do whatever i can to make sure she has every opportunity she deserves inside & outside of the church. i can’t tolerate someone telling her she is less because of her gender.

7. i have to look in my 4 son’s eyes. they deserve equal partners who will show up, and participate in relationship instead of remain silenced and diminished. they also deserve to be set free of the bondage of male stereotypes that limit and damage.

7. yeah, the next generation needs us. we can’t leave them hanging. we have to keep paving the way, like the brave men & women before us, to make their path less & less bumpy.

8. when we are silent, we stand on the side of the oppressor. it’s easier to play nice. it’s easier to follow the status quo. it’s easier to stick with the crowd and keep supporting churches & the media & systems that strip dignity and freedom. but when we do, we condone inequality and align with oppression.

9. we must be the change we want to see. i can’t sit around waiting for the church to change. the kingdom isn’t going to drop out of the sky. God uses people to change the world.

10. freedom isn’t just a bigger cage. liberation means full freedom in Christ, not just lesser-oppression.

happy international women’s day, one day late.

may we keep playing our part in liberation.

what about you? what motivates you to keep advocating for freedom?

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i’ve got a couple of posts up this week at other sites that are more of this same song:

down we go: practicing equality at sheloves magazine
justice: what love looks like in public, part of christine sine’s 2012 lent series.

the underground railroad

Posted on Mar 5, 2012 in church stuff, equality, healing, incarnational, injustice | 23 comments

“if i could have convinced more slaves they were slaves, i could have freed thousands more”

- harriet tubman

this past weekend i was in portland for a women’s gathering called convergence. it is not a typical conference; there are no speakers, no people getting paid, no flash. just a sacred safe space for a bunch of women leaders to share & learn & soak & be challenged & encourage & grieve & grow. i went to see dear & inspiring friends and get a little soul care; it was also an honor to get to process some of the material from down we go with women interested in cultivating intentional little pockets of love & freedom and planting new trees.

one thing that i am always struck with in these moments is just how many incredible women there are whose gifts haven’t been fully valued. how many have been slaves to systems that mistreated them. and how even though they have been used and mistreated and undervalued in all kinds of ways, they still have hope & passion & dreams for the kingdom and are finding ways to live it out despite the obstacles. seriously, it’s amazing.

i know so many women–and men, too–who are being set free.

free from the bondage of religion.
free from the shackles of the system.
free from the oppression of abusive power structures.
free from being called nasty names & having our dignity stripped.
free from limitations on our faith.
free from a squelching of our gifts.

and freedom is costly.

when we choose the path of leaving systems & structures that continue to keep us in bondage, we choose a lonelier, scarier road.

but nothing tastes better than freedom.

the same day i arrived in portland, my wise & amazing friend phyllis mathis and i finished our first walking wounded online class: hope for those hurt by the church. it was so beautiful, so healing, so inspiring.

i was also reminded, yet again, how tough it is to find our way to freedom without a little help along the way.

my friend mar shared that walking wounded was a little like the underground railroad, a stopping spot on the way to freedom for the slaves. a hidden pocket of love & hope & refuge on the journey toward freedom. manned by others who believed in freedom, the underground railroad was made up of shelters & places of protection, places to be reminded that freedom was possible, places to be nourished, places that pointed others toward hope.

her words took my breath away.

i do not for a minute want to minimize the kind of oppression & human slavery african americans and so many other people experienced or are experiencing today. i respect that as westerners escaping from the grip of the institutional church, our bondage is quite a different kind.

at the same time, the imagery works for so many of our journeys.

the slaves wouldn’t have made it to freedom without the underground railroad.

and i wouldn’t have made it to freedom without other people who first told me i was a slave (i didn’t even know it) and then carried me along this path, gently reminding me that there was, indeed, something better ahead.

6 years ago i didn’t know i was a slave.

i was happy settling for crumbs because i thought that was all i deserved.
i thought the weird power dynamics i was experiencing as part of a church staff were normal.
i thought i should just be thankful i was “allowed” to do anything and knew it could be a lot worse.
i was stuck working for a system that didn’t really want me, just what i had to bring to make their system more successful.

that harriet tubman quote has gotten under my skin:

“if i could have convinced more slaves they were slaves, i could have freed thousands more”

so many men & women don’t know they’re slaves. don’t know they’re being bullied. controlled. used. limited. unvalued. stripped of dignity.

i certainly didn’t. but as i started walking this direction, i started meeting others who had been set free, too. they told their stories. they fed me. they gave me shelter. they pointed me on my way and told me to keep going, to not give up this journey.

years ago i watched a documentary on human slavery and remember clearly the story of an entire village who were slaves for generations upon generations in a free country. they had no idea they were slaves until someone bought one of their people’s freedom. then, one by one, the freed slaves helped the others be set free, too.

i believe in every fiber of my being that Jesus came to set people free, like really free. free-er than we can ever even imagine although i hope we can experience more and more of it this side of heaven.

and my freedom isn’t only about my freedom.
my freedom is about our freedom.
i’m not really free until my brothers & sisters are.

your freedom isn’t only about your freedom, it’s about our freedom.
and we’re not really free until our brothers & sisters are.

God, help us recognize our slavery.
and that there’s a true & beautiful & bumpy path to freedom.
for those of us already on the road there, may we play our part in offering shelter, hope, love, support, food, water, and courage to those walking this direction, too.

seeds matter.

Posted on Feb 13, 2012 in church stuff, dreams, equality, incarnational, injustice, leadership | 8 comments

i have a black thumb. like if anything green enters my house–plants, flowers, yes even cactuses, within a week or two they are completely dead. it is funny to me that i ended up with this imagery from my post 2 weeks ago–plant new trees. i was amazed by how so many resonated with it and now i, the worst-grower-of-anything green, am going in for round 2 on the tree metaphor!

i also wanted to clarify something important about tree planting. trees just aren’t “church plants” in the typical sense, although they can be. i said,

these trees can be all kinds of shapes and sizes–individual relationships, groups, churches, ministries, organizations–little pockets of love & freedom cropping up all over that influence people and model a better way, a free-er way, an equal way, a more “oh, that’s what Jesus looks like” way.

we are the church.

wherever we go, wherever we are, wherever we are called to live, wherever we work, whatever relationships we are in, we can play our part in reflecting the fullness of God’s image and infuse the people & systems we are in with equality, dignity, and freedom in small or big ways.

in our families.
in our friendships.
in our neighborhoods.
in the places we work.
in our groups.
in our churches and faith communities.
in our ministries and places of passion.

we don’t have to keep perpetuating systems we fundamentally disagree with. we don’t have to pass on a legacy of inequality and sexism to our children. we don’t have to comprise our integrity to keep fitting in.

change starts with us. in down we go, i wrote “change is possible. otherwise I would have given up a long time ago.” so many of you know this, too. you’ve had every reason to give up after some of what you’ve seen in “the church” and you haven’t. you give me so much hope. but similar to what we are seeing in the farming industry right now, the big guys keep squeezing the little guys out. they control the industry, and use patents to force others to conform. they have money, influence, and power behind them. they control the information in the form of book & media distribution and countless other influential means.

they want us to keep using their seeds.

but when we are planting new trees–seeds matter.

to plant new trees we have to use new seeds.

it’s a little like what Jesus said about putting new wine into old wineskins–it ruins the wine. one of the things i have observed is that many people are interested in new wine, new kinds of trees and new forms of living out our faith in a broken, crazy world. the problem i see, though, is that we keep using the same containers/structures/systems and planting the same old seeds thinking something new will grow.

most of you have heard the definition of insanity–doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. and like addicts in denial about our using, we keep ignoring the bigger problem–us. and our crazy gravitational pull toward what’s familiar and stable, which is sometimes contrary to the kind of “kingdom now” living Jesus was talking about.

our only hope is to stop the insanity, ask for God’s help, and actually begin to do things differently. one day, one relationship, one group, one ministry, one system at a time.

so as we consider planting new trees, let’s keep reflecting on the types of seeds we’re using.

are they seeds of the kingdom or seeds of the world?
will they grow stories of change and hope or tales of power & control?
will they invite everyone to be included or leave a lot of people out?
will they leave room for doubt & mystery or demand certainty?
will they create little pockets of love or big vats of competition and performance?
will they cultivate equality and diversity or perpetuate the same kinds of people sitting around the same kinds of tables?
will they value people above all things or make programs the priority?
will our own life well lived be enough or will we always want “more, more, more”?

we have to reckon with this important reality: the cost of following Jesus is incredibly high. if things are only easy and “successful”, then something probably isn’t quite right. what he asked us to do was and will always always be contrary to the ways of the word (a lot of which the church has bought into). seeds of welcoming pain, diffusing power, practicing equality, pursuing justice and other practices based on the beatitudes will always be much trickier to plant.

but we must.

these are the kinds of seeds that will grow trees that reflect the kingdom and not the world.

people will laugh at us. we will feel stupid. we will look like losers sometimes. actually, probably often. we will look weak, we will seem inefficient. we will be called liberals, feminists, backsliders & rebels, as they’re missing the point of what we’re after. we will not have the money and resources we wish we could. we will get tired and want to give up. we will wonder why the leaves aren’t forming fast enough and our trunks aren’t thick yet. we will doubt ourselves. we will probably doubt God and question why those big shade trees keep prospering while we are sputtering to push up out of the ground and just stay alive through winter.

however, the stories of hope & change & healing & transformation will sustain us. those of you who have been planting new trees know that one story will water our soil for months, that one story of hope being fanned into flame or dignity being restored or a silenced voice being heard will sustain us through drought.

God, help us plant seeds that are reflective of you, not the world. we know they matter.

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check out a few other tree planting posts, good stuff: michelle krabill – i’m celebrating arbor day early this year, jessica mccracken – digging deep, planting trees & rachel held evans – let’s plant some seeds together

other kinds of new seeds: alise wright’s interview with dan brennan about cross-gender friendships & the monthly down we go column is up at sheloves magazine, diffusing power.

pawn shops, empty refrigerators & the long hill up

Posted on Feb 7, 2012 in equality, incarnational, injustice | 10 comments

* this post is part of the february 2012 synchroblog on economic inequality. i originally wrote it in 2008 but right now i am out of town with no internet, so i thought i’d share it again with a few small tweaks. it might not fit exactly with the theme but i hope it points to what i think will bridge the gap more than any other strategy–relationship. other bloggers are writing on this topic today, too. when i get back i’ll include the link list or you can get it at the synchroblog site.

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when our refrigerator is empty, i go to the costco and buy what we need. when my gas tank is empty, i drive down the street, swipe my card and fill up my gas tank. sure, times are tight and we pinch pennies now almost as much as we did when we first were married. but our reality is this: because of education & circumstance & all kinds of things, we will most likely never live in poverty in the US.

today’s synchroblog is focused on economic inequality & it’s implications. poverty has always been a very real issue, but with continued economic shifts, it’s a lot more real for many people. poverty. when you think of poverty, what do you think of? my first thought used to only be africa, asia, people who live on the streets or in the projects of our major cities. i mainly associated poverty with the poorest of the poor. while that is so troubling & so true, i thought i’d share about what is most in my face in the moment: domestic poverty in the suburbs. single mommies & families living in average apartments and condos and houses in foreclosure. friends on disability & medicaid & food stamps who scrape by month after month with empty refrigerators & trips to pawn shops to try to make ends meet. it’s called relative poverty, but the bottom line is: they just aren’t making ends meet & no relief’s in sight.

statistic after statistic will confirm that millions and millions of people around the world are dying every day from the lack of food, water, shelter, and adequate health care. these deaths are preventable. there’s enough resource in the world to meet their needs, but the resources are not adequately distributed. this is why i am so thankful for the thousands of men & women who have dedicated their lives to fighting for better systems & structures & care for the poor around the world. as christ-followers, we cannot escape the many scriptures that point us to caring for the poor. i love that there seems to be a bit of a re-vival within “the church” right now to become more missional, to quit being so self-focused and start caring for others around the world and in our own backyard with resources & help. at the same time, we have a long, long way to go. resources are wasted on the dumbest of things while our neighbors are grasping for a glimpse of relief.

in the world i live in–when it comes to poverty in the ‘burbs–it’s not necessarily a matter of life and death. most of my friends won’t die from living below the poverty level. i am thankful for that, but at the same time it doesn’t mean that i can just carry on and not be concerned with their situation & trust “the government” to take care of them. the government won’t take care of them. sure, they try, but there’s no doubt that the government leaves many a family with an empty refrigerator & dignity stripped by the end of the month.

so what’s the solution? oh, i think it’s so complicated & clearly there are no easy answers, but i think we need to be very careful that we don’t buy into the belief that “if (they) just worked hard enough they could get ahead.” this is what i believed for many years, thinking poverty was just a bootstrap issue. and while i do believe it can be true–that hard work can shift circumstances– i don’t think it’s a universal truth. there are forces that are sometimes never going to change: health issues, mental issues, generational stuff, etc., that ensure that there’s probably not going to be any lasting relief. i have also seen the crazy cycle of people working 3 jobs to make ends meet but never being able to get ahead because of mounting health care bills & defaulted student loans & all kinds of things that mean that getting out from under appears impossible.

at the same time, i do believe that for many, the brutal hill up toward self-sufficiency is possible, if there’s proper support, care, and long haul love, a beckoning toward something more. but that won’t happen overnight. it will take the mobilization of people who are willing to invest in relationship with someone on the journey & then be able to stay in the long haul through the ups and the downs of life change. to access the needed resources. to pray and cheerlead and encourage and never, ever give up on what is possible.

what it boils down to is relationship. i am idealistic enough to think that if somehow, some way, every person who lived below the poverty line had brothers & sisters in Christ to journey together with for the long haul that over the course of time life could be different. hope would be more present. the refrigerator wouldn’t be as empty. i think it takes more finesse than we are prepared to do. it’s easy to dump clothes & food here and there, but long haul relationship among people with very different socioeconomics is tricky. when i look at the biblical principles of community that is what i see. a radical sharing of resource. a crazy mix of diversity so that those who have share with those who need. an incarnation of the life of Christ that is full of all kinds of weird sacrifices that are utterly contrary to the ways of the world.

oh i know it can all feel quite overwhelming and sometimes the overwhelmedness can make us feel guilty & paralyzed. there are no easy answers or solutions, but sometimes when i’m stumped i default toward the path of least resistance & give up. part of tackling poverty and bridging the gap of economic inequality is to fight against our tendency to throw in the towel and actually pick up one instead, no matter how small & inconsequential it may feel. to ask God to show us: what are you asking me to consider, ponder, do about this issue in a very tangible way?

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ps: thanks for all the great responses to my last post–plant new trees. i will definitely write more about it when i get back. meanwhile, rachel held evans asks some great practical questions in a follow up post called let’s plant some seeds together…

link list, other bloggers writing about economic inequality this month: