equality
friendship, freedom & a lot less fear
“there is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.” st. thomas aquinas
uh oh, i’m on my “men and women need to learn how to be friends” kick right now. I think it’s appropriate in light of the shared leadership conversations, too, because it gets to the center of so much of what’s broken in our systems—both in and outside of “church.” we know how to be over others or under others, but rarely do we learn how to be alongside each other. yesterday a friend shared that when reading a blog post that someone had basically commented “well, i personally would never be alone with a woman because i can’t trust myself or her.” when i read this i felt sad for a few reasons: 1. it’s so common. 2. it’s so guided by fear, and 3. it’s so limiting. 4. it doesn’t need to be this way.
staying separated greatly limits our ability to be deeply connected in the ways i think God intended. we can’t learn some of the things we need to learn about life & love & people & friendship when we’re always living out of fear in relationship with one another. also, by keeping ourselves separated, we are perpetuating deeply grooved systems of hierarchy. in the end, we all lose.
the way to break down some of these divides is to learn how to be friends.
most of us haven’t learn this very well. a lot of our family experiences didn’t teach it. work often doesn’t teach it. many of our churches certainly haven’t taught it. so we’re sort of left to fend for ourselves and learn it on our own somehow.
against a lot of resistance. yeah, there are a lot of forces working against men & women learning how to be friends. patriarchy, sexual weirdness, negative church-messages & our own default-toward-not-knowing-how-to-do-healthy-intimacy-with-other-people all get in the way. my friend dan brennan talks a lot about this in his work on cross-gender friendships.
one of the reasons I feel so deeply dedicated to healing & recovery & the beatitudes & the 12 steps & transformational opportunities is that as we keep growing individually as human beings we can learn to be better friends corporately. it is true that when we have hidden addictions & are saddled with shame and insecurity & honestly just never learned how-to-be-a-friend-or-have-a-friend, we really can’t do these kinds of relationships safely, unless there is help & guidance. there’s just too much baggage that gets in the way. but, if we can find avenues for healing, we can start to break free from unhealthy patterns and learn how to do relationships differently.
in so many ways, i think that’s the big, beautiful idea of the spiritual journey—to become a better friend to ourselves, to others & with God.
the world needs people who know how to be good friends.
i think that’s what we are trying to learn in the life of the refuge community together. it is bumpy. sometimes ugly. and often scary. men learning how to be friends with men, women learning how to be friends with women, and men & women learning how to be friends with each other. to stop being “over” or “under” another but learn to be “beside”. across ages, life experiences, faith experiences, socioeconomics & a host of other differences. sometimes people say that they feel like they are in grade school, maybe even pre-school, stumbling and bumbling through learning how to be friends.
i love that idea because i think that’s what “church” is supposed to be—a place to learn. Jesus school. a container to be challenged. a safe place to practice.
to me, in another weird paradox, even though it seems stumbly & bumbly like pre-school at times, it actually is graduate-level work. and oh, so beautiful! to learn to be friends, real friends, is no small task. walking persistently with humility & courage is grad school stuff. real friendship, as Jesus reminded us, is “laying down our lives.”
over and over we will be humbled. we will be challenged. we will be afraid. we will make mistakes. we will need to give grace. we will need to receive grace.
but hopefully we will also laugh at our pre-schoolness & celebrate our victories & keep listening, learning, and growing on the journey together. i am so thankful for all i continue to learn through these deeper, healthier, scarier relationships with men & women, too.
i really don’t think living in fear was ever the idea. i think Jesus sets us free from captivity; the question is whether we are brave enough to try to step into it.
God, help us be brave & teach us how to be friends.
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ps: my friend john martinez, one of the co-pastors of the distillery church in new york, is doing a summer teaching series on down we go. i love their community & am so glad we’re friends across the miles. here are some posts about it:
- making a diverse, paradoxical, interdependent, with chain
- the kingdom isn’t going to just drop out of the sky
- casey anthony, we are really just like her
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some thoughts on co-pastoring, part 1
when i first started this blog over 3 years ago i wrote a little post about shared leadership that still gets a lot of play–why i believe in co-pastoring. it makes me happy that people are at least considering the idea enough to do a google search on it & read more about it. 5 1/2 years ago i had never even heard of the word. now, i’m in the thick of it & wouldn’t do it any other way.
for me, the words co-pastoring & sharing leadership are synonymous. some churches & communities use the word “pastor” & some may not. the idea, though, is the same–no one person “at the top”. at the refuge, we use “co-pastor”, so for the sake of this conversation i’m going to stick with that terminology.
today marks the start of a short blog series about the ins and outs of co-pastoring. it will include a couple of video interviews with my friend and co-pastor teammate, karl wheeler, who was the catalyst behind actually starting the refuge and co-pastoring together (more on that in a minute), an interview with our co-pastor team at the refuge (there are currently 4 of us, 2 men & 2 women), and some responses from friends of mine in different parts of the country who either have or are co-pastoring.
i know for some of you this isn’t the most exciting topic in the world and you’re just not that interested in church leadership. i hope you’ll listen in anyway, because some of these ideas might resonate, especially on why much of the leadership you may have experienced in the past didn’t seem quite right somehow. i also know that many of you are leading in your communities in different shapes & forms and are wanting to explore shifts in what that could look like. these posts won’t have all the answers & there are no formulas to follow. but my hope is to encourage & challenge others that a different way is possible–that the idea of one leader in charge of it all isn’t necessarily the only way even though that’s what it always typically looks like in most every church, most every organization.
i’m going to start with a video conversation with my friend & co-pastor teammate karl. there are two of them, recorded on my mac webcam with no editing, no big preparation, just a way to hear more of what we’re doing & what it’s like for us. without karl, the refuge wouldn’t exist. he’s the one who encouraged me to step into co-lead pastoring with him & plant this little crazy community 5 1/2 years ago despite the obstacles. we’ve been through the war together, from getting the crap kicked out of us together on a big church staff to slugging through what it means to lead this wild, diverse, poor little church with a huge heart for people. in different ways, we’ve both tried to quit, to run, to throw in the towel, but by the grace of God we continue to stay in. i think it’s because somewhere down deep we know we’re learning something that we can’t learn any other way.
yeah, i have no doubt that co-pastoring is a place where mutual submission, loving our neighbor, and leaning into being our own unique parts of the Body of Christ is put to the test.
so here we go, part 1 of a 5 part series on co-pastoring:
copastoring part 1 from kathy escobar on Vimeo.
as always, love to hear your thoughts!
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ps: i added a new page on the blog that shares a little more about down we go & also includes a video trailer that my awesome friend & fellow refuge-ee craig spinks of recycle your faith put together that shares a little more about what’s inside (it’s different from the downward mobility one). some of you already saw it on facebook but thanks for passing the link on to those you think might like this kind of stuff!
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white privilege, male privilege, straight privilege, economic privilege
i will never know what it’s like to be a person of color. i can only listen and learn from my friends & family who are.
i will never know what it’s like to be gay. i can only listen and learn from my friends & family who are.
i will likely never know what it’s like to be poor and live in section 8 housing. i can only listen and learn from my friends & family who are.
but i do know what it’s like to be a woman leader in a man’s world. i know what it feels like to be excluded. i know what it feels like see doors open & checks written & support given to men-with-the-connections while i struggle and scrape. i know what it’s like to be on the underside of power and how helpless and dignity-stripping it can feel.
and those who are men can never know what it’s like. they can only listen and learn from their friends & family who are women.
white privilege, male privilege, straight privilege, economic privilege are real.
i’ve heard it dismissed sometimes, heard white people talk about “the minorities get all the jobs and get to go to the top of the line now”. heard men talk about “i don’t know what women are talking about, we ask them to be part but they always say no.“ heard straight people talk about “gay people have more rights now than i do” and economically stable people talk about “if those poor people would just work harder & smarter they wouldn’t have so many problems.”
it’s so easy to talk when we don’t know what it feels like to be another person, to walk in another person’s shoes.
we should never deny the reality and power of white privilege, male privilege, straight privilege, and economic privilege. the power each of these carry is real and must be acknowledged.
when we hold the privilege we must do our part to listen to those who don’t.
this is no easy task, but we will need brave men & women who are willing to lead these conversations–to provide listening posts to hear from those on the underside of the privilege. to learn what it feels like. to learn what might help shift things. to learn a better way.
we do not need to do feel guilty for being white, male, or straight or having money in the bank; that’s definitely not the idea here but is the easiest place for us to default. we each are who we are, were born how we were born. but i do believe strongly that we need to understand the power that comes from it instead of pretend it doesn’t exist or shoo it away as someone else’s problem. re-thinking power is important.
in the kingdom of God there should be no white privilege, male privilege, straight privilege, economic privilege. Christ breaks down all of those barriers. but the kingdom of God won’t just drop out of the sky. we will have to work hard, sacrifice our time, ego, hearts, and pride to create it. we will have to let go of assumptions that “it’s not that big of a deal” when we’re the ones with the privilege.
at the same time, when we are the ones who don’t have the privilege we will have to be brave enough to sit at the table with those who do & listen to their hearts & stories, too. we will have to create containers for understanding & love & hope & possibility of a better way--together.
God, show us how to listen well to each other–those with privilege to those without, those without privilege to those with it. help us boldly act to break down the barriers that divide, oppress, and strip dignity. help us each play our part in practicing equality–not just in theory but in tangible, active ways that restore, reconcile & renew us individually & corporately.
this post has been rattling around in my head for a little while & i finally got it out. i’d love to hear some of your thoughts….
Read Morelittle miracles
“the hope of the afflicted shall never perish” – psalm 9:18
**i wrote this post before my last one, thinking the synchroblog was last week, so it’s kind of sweet to revisit it in light of last week’s wackiness. thank you for your love & encouragement & support & resolve to keep advocating for and living out gender equality in all kinds of ways. it meant so much to me to realize how many amazing people my life & blog intersect with and how important it is that we keep speaking out, sharing our stories, and fanning deeper and wider change into flame.
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note: this post is part of the april synchroblog, a chunk of bloggers writing on the same topic at the same time. here’s the video that inspired it. i always love reading the diverse posts. this month’s theme is focused on resurrection. you can check out the links at the bottom of this post; i’ll add more as they come in.
in the midst of lent on the journey toward easter, this month’s synchroblog is centered around resurrection & where we are seeing signs of life. it is very easy to live under a rock & miss what’s going on right in front of us. we get busy, we get distracted, we get focused (we get sucked into the internet abyss).
for me, it’s been one of the weirdest seasons ever, healing from back surgery & discovering what life is like with chronic pain & always-having-to-think-about-what-might-make-my-back-hurt-worse. it’s really a drag. but through it all, i am so grateful for all the ways i am indeed healing, learning, growing in the midst.
i am reminded, too, that God doesn’t promise perfect and complete healing. but he does promises hope. hope in the midst of pain. hope that there’s beauty to be found in the ugly. hope that there are always slivers of light in the darkness. hope that there is much to be thankful for. hope that we are loved, deeply, truly, madly, no matter what.
sure, there were lots of people healed in the gospel stories, but i am quite sure there were a lot of people who weren’t. there were still lepers, the crippled, the hemorrhaging , and hurting, feeling, struggling people with a whole lot of other ailments after Jesus died and during all of the times that the disciples were out healing people. we all still exist now.
i’m continually learning to redefine healing and the idea of miracles.
to me, healing and miracles are transformation or change. very rarely are they a once and for all. or a total 180 degree change that comes in a rush. rather, healing is an ongoing journey of shifting and changing, moving closer toward freedom, hope, love, life, peace. quite often, too, it is not visible to the un-Jesus-trained eye. we assume that when someone is still in pain that they are somehow not “healed.” when someone’s body is still broken, that somehow “healing” isn’t happening in other areas.
we focus on what isn’t instead of on what is.
we long for big miracles and miss out on the little ones that happen all of the time.
i believe in miracles. i believe in healing.
i just think they look way different than much of what i was originally taught (instant, big, and clear).
the other day i was on a walk & was feeling kind of whiney about my physical state, when i came across a man about my age, who seemed to have just lost his leg and was practicing using his crutches. there was something about that moment that got me all welled up inside, a reminder of how important it is to be grateful for the little things, like legs that work. and for me, right now, sitting again is a miracle.
here are a few other miracles i noticed around me in the past several weeks. i know i missed some, but these are some off the top of my head:
- friends learning how to live in intentional community who have ever reason to bail out, seeking counsel & support from other friends to find out a way to love & live with each other better.
- friends holding on to alcohol & drug & porn sobriety in the midst of big upheavels & lots of temptations to use.
- a friend who just celebrated 1 year of no smoking!
- other friends losing their sobriety but starting over again.
- someone anonymously paying a car repair bill for a friend who could really use a little reminder she’s special and valued.
- a single mommy who moved from near-homelessness to temporary housing to self-sufficiency, yeah!
- parents who aren’t giving up on their kids no matter how hard it gets.
- friends who are in the midst of their own pain quietly & simply standing alongside others in the midst of theirs.
- friends who have every reason to never set foot into another church, bravely walking through the doors, saying “i’m here because i need healing.”
- food, gas, cars & stuff shared, in all kinds of small & lovely ways. oh that is the best.
- (a new addition) – hearing stories of women who are leading & loving despite the obstacles & every human reason to give up.
some of these sound bigger than others, but they all have one thing in common–they are movement toward life. they are steps of courage. they are markers of hope. they are reminders of God’s spirit-at-work in all kinds of little and big ways.
to me, they are modern-day miracles.
the kind i want to celebrate & honor & remember because they are little glimpses God’s resurrection, in the flesh, now.
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link so far, check them out:
- Phil Wyman at Square No More – Apocalyptic fervor spurs benevolent giving
- Marta Layton at Marta’s Mathoms - Getting Out From Behind The Rock
- Mike Victorino at Simply A Night Owl - Crawling Out From Under A Rock
- John Paul Todd at E4Unity - Still Asleep In the Light
- Patrick Oden at Ravens - A Resurrection
- Brambonius at Brambonius’ blog in english - hiding the Resurrection life like a candle under a bucket?
- George Elerick at The Love Revolution - (for)getting the resurrection
- Liz Dyer at Grace Rules - I Will Answer That Question In A Minute, But First, I Want To Talk About Jesus
- Jeff Goins at Jeff Goins Writer - Resurrection
- Tammy Carter at Blessing the Beloved - Rock and a Hard Place
- Christen Hansel at Greener Grass - Resurrection Rhythm
- Alan Knox at the assembling of the church - Living The Resurrected Life
- Christine Sine at Godspace – Palm Sunday Is Coming But What Does It Mean
- Matt Stone at Glocal Christianity – Living The Resurrection
- Steve Hayes at Khanya – Descent into Hell and penal substitution
- Bill Sahlman at Creative Reflections – Do We Live Under a Rock of Belief?
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why sometimes i get sad
last month a mainline pastor from a small town outside of denver got in touch with me to see if i would be willing to come speak to their high school’s baccalaureate service in may. they were looking for a female pastor, someone who would inspire the kids & open up some doors that hadn’t been opened previously by some of the standard baccalaureate sermons/messages.
i really appreciated his enthusiasm & desire to press the envelope a little (and the date worked for jose & i to go together & have a fun night away afterward) so i said yes.
yesterday i got an email from him letting me know that unfortunately when the other pastors and leaders found out that a female pastor was speaking, they banded together to reject the idea. they said they couldn’t listen to someone they didn’t agree with and strong-armed a very conservative evangelical into the spot instead.
his email was so kind, and he was so sad that his hope got hijacked. he tried to fight the good fight and just couldn’t make it happen. i ended up talking to him on the phone just to make sure i was clear what he was really saying and didn’t misunderstand. i asked, “so, is it really just the woman pastor thing or is it about my beliefs or ?“ he said that the woman thing was definitely the main issue, the deal breaker, and anything that remotely is connected to the word “emerging” was just icing on the cake.
we had a nice conversation & i really felt bad for him, really. it’s a drag when you can see a different way & have hope for what could be and tradition & power sucks everyone back under.
for me, it’s now just one less thing to do in a busy month. but, it hurts. it just does. it’s hard to not have it hurt. one of the reason is it’s not one isolated incident. it comes upon a long string of these over the years that get really tiring and discouraging.
the system is broken, my friends. it truly is. it’s so easy for people to think that we’ve come a long way but everyone needs to know how far we still have to go.
the insidious-ness of gender inequality is ugly. and deep. in the big scheme, it has nothing to do with baccalaureate speakers. it has everything to do with power & oppression & stripping women of their dignity & silencing voices that were created by God to speak, to create, to dream, to inspire, to partner, to nurture, to build, to love freely.
so, that’s why i’m a little sad this week. a little beat-up, a little burned out. a little sick to my stomach.
and very grateful that i never, ever feel this in my community or in my marriage or with those on the fringes. i am so thankful. they help me hold on to hope. men & women alongside each other as equals is a beautiful thing.
Read Moreover, under, beside
“there is always warfare in our hearts; there is always the struggle between pride and humility, hatred and love, forgiveness and the refusal to forgive, truth and the concealment of truth, openness and closedness. each one of us is walking in that passage towards liberation, growing on the journey towards wholeness and healing…”
– jean vanier
thanks for the great comments on dan brennan’s interview about cross-gender friendships. one reader commented on facebook “i have no idea why this is still so controversial”. i think that often related to all kinds of topics in the church–we tend to be scared of so many things. look at the rob bell bruhaha, for example. if someone starts questioning what has been originally taught and many have just accepted as the norm, all hell breaks loose (just had to throw in that word). it makes me laugh on one hand because it feels so ridiculous & makes me cry on the other hand because of the time and energy we spend on picking apart scripture when the world is crying out for love, hope, and help. the bottom line, in my opinion, is we are fearful people. we have not been taught the kind of wild trust, deep peace, and extravagant love i believe Jesus was pointing us to.
i think we need new leaders who can model a different kind of love than what’s been taught and cultivated. the other day as i was walking i had this thought come to mind. most humans are taught to live “over” another or “under” another but very rarely are we encouraged to live in the power, freedom, and hope that comes from being truly “beside” one another. it’s part of the human problem.
Jesus came to set us, the captives, free. real freedom, in my opinion, comes from learning how to live beside one another in peace, hope, and love. Jesus’ radical gift has been sorely misused by people bearing his name, and instead of offering freedom to the world, we perpetuate systems and cultures that bind and disempower.
leaders are taught to be “over” their group, flock, people. i believe in leadership but i think it is greatly mis-modeled. we have cultivated a very flawed model of leadership in most christian contexts where leaders are on the top, with great authority, and use power in a way that keeps people neatly tucked “under” them. it protects them from vulnerability.
i am not blaming this all on leaders, either. i see how easy it is for people to want to put themselves “under” a teacher, leader, guide’s authority and guidance. the problem with this, though, is that can be do disempowering. it puts a great divide in power and i think ultimately diminishes people’s dignity and value. i also think some people like it that way because it lets them off the hook. by staying “under” they don’t have to step in and out to free living and risk making themselves more vulnerable. it keeps them protected.
i have heard from many women over the years who like the idea of being “under” their partner in theory, because it somehow would make them feel more protected. i also think that it keeps them from having to rise up and into their freedom. they can blame their husbands for not leading enough, being strong enough, or all kinds of other enoughs. i remember saying the same things many years ago & i think it kept me from having to actually step into what God was challenging me to step into. i am so thankful for God’s healing, an awesome husband who was open to change and healing, too, and brave women who encouraged along the way.
a core tenet of true friendship and relationship with one another in authentic, healing christian community is that we learn how to live “beside” one another. we let go of having someone be “over” us or put others “under” us and see each other’s dignity, value, and worth first. we unplug from unhealthy power dynamics that keep us safely nestled above or below others in spirit and make ourselves far more vulnerable.
i wholeheartedly believe in mutual submission and there are times where i have to put myself “under” someone else’s decision even though i don’t agree, and in other situations, they do the same for me. it’s not that the lines between under and over are concrete and impenetrable for certain situations, circumstances, and roles. i know people can share all kinds of Bible verses that point to church structures & roles and i am not saying that there’s no place for it.
what i am challenging, though, is our natural human tendency to default to it because it’s easier. it organizes people. it puts them in their place. it keeps people separated. it keeps us from love.
the central idea to me is that we do all we can to participate in “beside” relationships, men with women, men with men, women with women, where each person is empowered, strengthened, and has a chance to learn more about loving and being loved. so much healing and freedom can come when we practice journeying “beside” each other.
it is in these equal beside relationships that i think God’s love is deeply reflected and something deeper is being healed. our souls are more set free. our dignity and value is strengthened. in the Upper Room, Jesus sat beside his disciples and reminded them, “i no longer call you my servants, i call you my friends.” Jesus, who most easily could have put himself “over” them, sits beside them and offers the gift of friendship.
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