dreams

well-behaved women won’t change the church

Posted on May 10, 2012 in church stuff, dreams, equality, ex good christian women, leadership | 21 comments

* most all of you have already read this post. it was part of ed cyzewski’s women in ministry series and got a lot of love. there are some really great comments over there. i had so much fun writing it and had no idea it would strike such a chord. it’s so encouraging! i am just posting it here now for my blog archives. here’s to all kinds of mis-behaving…

* * * * *

Years ago, if you looked up the definition of “Christian Good Girl”, I swear my picture would be right next to it. I was so good at being good! I knew how to keep the peace. I knew how to give people what they want. I know how to put my needs last. I knew how to say all the right things at the right time to sound really spiritual. I knew how to be nice.

Although I was not raised in a Christian home, when I turned my life over to Christ and joined his team, I found that all of the people-pleasing, peace-making, good-girl skills I had learned as a child of an alcoholic raised in chaos worked perfectly in the spiritual realm as well.

I earned all kinds of praise in the churches I was in for my good-girl-ness. Kathy’s so nice. Kathy’s such a team player. Kathy’s so easy to get along with.

None of these things were hard for me to do. They were like reflexes, a natural and immediate instinct to assess the situation, and then adjust to keep the peace and maintain whatever status quo needed to be maintained.

Over the years, though, as I started to do some personal healing work and begin to look at the unhealthy patterns in my life, something profound began to shift. I started to tell the truth about my own story. I started to not worry so much about what people thought. I started to advocate for others who couldn’t use their voices yet. I started to disagree. I started to use my voice and stir the pot about change in the church.

I started to worry more about pleasing God than pleasing man.

And guess what happened? Leaders didn’t like it. They liked me a lot better when I was following the rules, playing the good-girl game. A weird and subversive shift occurred when I started showing up more honestly, more passionately as a leader. The best words I can use to describe it are: “painful silence.”

In my situation, the painful silence lead to me losing a pastoral ministry job that I loved. The reality was that I was just not “good” enough, submissive enough, to be part of that system anymore. Honestly, if I could have switched back to the Good-Girl fast enough, I might have been able to save my job. Temporarily.

But I was too far gone. My soul and passion had started to come alive and I couldn’t turn back.

As difficult as that season was for me personally, professionally, and spiritually, I am so grateful for it because I learned the most important lesson of my life as a leader:

Well-behaved women won’t change the church.

We just won’t.

Well-behaved women will keep the wheels spinning on systems that keep working, keep growing, keep moving. We will do good and honorable work that matters and helps people and makes a difference in their communities.

But we won’t change the church.

Some people think the church doesn’t need changing; they’re fine with the way things are because it works for them. But I think there a lot more of us out here than even we ourselves know–passionate women who believe the body of Christ needs much more than a face-lift to become all it’s meant to be.

Yeah, well-behaved women will not change the church.

Instead, change in the church will come from not-so-well-behaved women who are willing to risk their pride, reputations, and “being liked” to stand for what God is stirring up in their hearts.

Change in the church will come when women who are called to lead, lead, even when others don’t think they can or should.

Change in the church will come when women refuse to squelch their gifts and begin to unleash them without asking for permission first.

Change in the church will come when women passionately follow Jesus, not systems-made-in-his-name-that-do-not-reflect-his-image.

Change in the church will come when women bravely use their voices, power, and any influence they have to inspire others to be brave, too.

I admit, it’s still sometimes hard for me to not be the good-girl. I miss the safety. I miss the praise. I miss the security, even if it was false. Some days I wish I could make nice like I used to because it was so much easier then.

But the Kingdom of God was never about easy. It was never about comfort. It was never about maintaining the status-quo. It was never about playing nice.

The Kingdom of God Jesus called us to participate in creating–here, now–isn’t well-behaved.

That’s reason enough for us not to be, either.

well-behaved women won’t change the church

Posted on Apr 20, 2012 in church stuff, doesn't really go anywhere else, dreams, equality, ex good christian women, women in ministry | 11 comments

today i have a post up at ed cyzewski’s blog as part of his women in ministry series. it’s called well-behaved women won’t change the church. it was so fun to write this one!

here’s a little excerpt:

Well-behaved women won’t change the church.

We just won’t.

But we won’t change the church.

Some people think the church doesn’t need changing; they’re fine with the way things are because it works for them. But I think there a lot more of us out here than even we ourselves know–passionate women who believe the body of Christ needs much more than a face-lift to become all it’s meant to be.

i hope you’ll go over there to read the entire post & you can share any thoughts there or here.

you can read the other posts in the series here:

also, thank you, everyone, for all of the honesty & hope & stories from this past week through comments & emails & conversations. i look forward to next week, too. if you’re new here or just catching up, the four posts this week centered on rebuilding after deconstructing faith are:

intro – rebuilding after deconstruction
1. honoring the process
2. acknowledging losses
3. discovering what remains

have a great weekend. much peace & hope, kathy

alongside

Posted on Apr 12, 2012 in dreams, equality, healing, incarnational, leadership, relationships | 15 comments

the refuge turns 6 years old this month! it’s so hard to believe. some days it seems like yesterday and other days it feels like decades ago. there are many things to celebrate about the past 6 years. i continue to learn more than i ever bargained for about God, life, love, friendship, and leadership. some days i still want to run for the hills, but i’m learning something here that i’m not sure i’d ever learn somewhere else.

for me, one of the most important and beautiful parts of life together here has been what it looks like for men & women to live, learn, love, and lead alongside each other as equals, as brothers and sisters and friends. often, i am in situations where i realize how rare this really is.

i respect that there are definitely places for only women’s groups & only men’s groups. but there is so much we can’t learn when we are always segregated, relegated only to being above or below one another, or full of fear.

i wish more men and women would bravely dive into the deep end of learning how to live alongside each other as leaders, brothers & sisters, and friends.

there aren’t a lot of great models of people sharing power, learning to be friends, and deepening connection across sexes “in church.” one of the greatest gifts i received in the life of the refuge has been meeting other people who are practicing “alongside” in their lives, their ministries. they are diffusing power, developing cross-gender friendships, and cultivating intentional community where men & women are really equals. they are few but growing in number. their example inspires and challenges me to push against all of the voices that say “it’s not possible” and continue to live out the dream despite the obstacles.

here’s what i keep learning about men and women “alongside “ each other:

“alongside” heals shame. shame has tried to ruin me, and so many other people i know. inequality perpetuates shame for those “underneath” others. having to step up and live equally as a leader forces me to reckon with my shame. the first few years of the refuge i felt so bad about leading–and wanting to lead–because i had been taught i wasn’t supposed to. also, “alongside” has helped shame from my past. being honest with safe women friends was a huge start, but even more healing came when my male friends knew my real story, too, and help me release it. to heal, i need not only mothers & sisters but fathers & brothers, too.

“alongside” is a reflection of the kingdom. Jesus said that the kingdom of God was possible now. that we didn’t have to wait until heaven to experience God’s reality. Jesus blasts hierarchical divides and cuts through the things that separate and divide. equality is freeing. as we step into side by side relationships, the kingdom is reflected in both sexes and we participate in Christ’s healing of the brokenness that Genesis 3 brought into the world.

“alongside” teaches us courage. i always say “courage is doing hard things scared.” alongside as equals requires courage. when my husband and i moved from a complementarian-ish relationship to an egalitarian one, it freaked both of us out. we were scared because we knew how to do the way we had been doing it. when my friend karl called me to co-lead pastor with him instead of be an associate, it freaked me out. i knew in my heart it was the right thing but i was terrified to not have the fallback of him being in charge of me somehow, the only model i knew as an evangelical woman. the first time my friend shared with me the reality of his sexual addiction, it freaked me out, that level of sharing. but i knew that moment was a holy one. i needed to be brave, to stay in, to listen, to learn.

“alongside” requires faith. i’m constantly reminded how much of my christian life has not been about faith (even though it sounded like it) but rather about control (as a way for managing fear). segregation between sexes is a way of staying in control. integration and learning how to be more whole alongside each other requires walking out in faith, traveling a path without clear instructions. i recently heard someone say, “you’ll never stub your toe standing still.” we only stub our toe when we’re moving somewhere, practicing, trying, walking. oh, how many times i’ve stubbed my toe over the past few years! but each and every time i have learned something about God, myself, others. faith is never strengthened staying still.

so that’s what i’m learning these days in the deep end of the pool. diving in was one of the best things i’ve ever done.

God, give us courage to live alongside each other equally as men & women, brothers & sisters, lovers, and friends. we want to be a reflection of you.

* * * * *

ps: it’s not too late to register for a challenging & inspiring gathering centered on cross-gender friendships called when jesus met mary: a sacred friendship gathering. it’s friday and saturday, april 27th & 28th in chicago. i am really looking forward to being part of this and meeting some of you in real life there, too!

pps: i’m on a bit of a blog-roll these days, writing more than i have in a while. i’ve learned in these moments the best thing is to go for it and stay current, otherwise the moment’s often gone. tomorrow i’m finally sharing a post i’ve been meaning to with a bunch of good stuff to check out. on monday i am really looking forward to a new post-easter series called “reconstruction after deconstruction”, 8 posts centered on the brutal but beautiful process of restoring faith after loss & shifts.

replacing the “f” word with the “d” word (no, not those ones!)

Posted on Mar 20, 2012 in church stuff, dreams, equality, ex good christian women, healing, injustice, jesus is cool | 24 comments

* this post is part of the monthly synchroblog, different bloggers writing on the same topic. this month’s topic is around gender equality, an issue near and dear to my heart. check out the link list at the bottom of this post to read the other posts (i’ll add more as they come in).

* * * * *

“i have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made straight and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.” – martin luther king, jr.

feminist is a dirty word in a lot of Christian circles. it has come to be associated with anger and reverse sexism and all kinds of other things that were never the idea. i personally don’t mind being called a Christian feminist because it goes with the territory; i am a passionate advocate for the liberation of women and am grateful for those who have gone before us and will go after us to pave the way for greater equality. at the same time, i’m not crazy about the word.

like the word “church” and “pastor” and a lot of other loaded words, i think we need to try to reclaim them or at least come up with some better ones that describe what we mean without such negative connotations. for me, i am not a feminist for the sake of women’s power.

rather, i am for dignity-restoring-in-all-the-places-where-it-has-been-lost.

when people are thought of as less-than, no matter what shape, size, color, gender, or experience, their dignity is stripped. period.

when 1/2 the population of the world is generally thought as less-than and inferior somehow, we’re in some pretty big trouble.

i don’t feel a strong call to promote the “f” word of “feminism”.

but i do feel a deep & burning passion to promote the “d” word–”dignity”- for all people.

we are all made in the image of God and have inherent worth because of it. many complementarians will agree, saying that men & women are “equal in value but different in role” but i believe they miss the point and underestimate how powerful the “under another” theology creates a propensity to oppress, silence, limit, and reduce.

it strips us of our dignity.

women are seen as less-than in most cultures. they were in Jesus’ time, too.

but he, God in the flesh, embodied something radically important–restoration of the dignity of not only women but anyone who was thought of as less-than.

still, the church of Jesus Christ, which should be the free-est, most radically inclusive, least-oppressive, safest space in town has tossed out a lot of what he modeled and went on to perpetuate inequality toward women in the same old ways. we’ve used a few scripture verses and an already-deeply-grooved-against-women-cultural-system to perpetuate oppression instead of follow Jesus’ example of restoring dignity & setting people free–like really free.

i do not want to see women empowered so that they can then power up on others & create the same kinds of inequality we already have, only in reverse. that would not be reflective of the kingdom of God, which is what God has called us to participate in creating.

rather, i want to see women set free to step into who they were created to be without man-made limitations that strip their dignity so that the reality of God can be reflected in all God’s children, here & now. when that original image of God is uncovered, unburied, fanned into flame, all kinds of beautiful things emerge.

men’s dignity will be restored, too.

the systems we have perpetuated haven’t only robbed women of their worth. they’ve robbed men of theirs, too. they’ve reduced them to stereotypical roles that they can’t live up to. they’ve put men in a place of wielding power that they didn’t even necessarily want. the systems have limited the possibilities of finding equal, strong partners.

dignity restoration is contagious.

over time, the divides that usually separate us can be crossed.

over time, families, neighborhoods, cities, organizations, nations will be changed.

over time, beside each other together as equals, we can more freely reflect the image of God in every relationship and system we are in.

to me, there’s nothing more beautiful than dignity-restored.

yeah, i don’t think we need more Feminists.

i think we need more Dignity-restorers.

* * * * *

small is plenty

Posted on Mar 14, 2012 in church stuff, dreams, incarnational | 16 comments

* i wrote a version of this in 2010 but it’s been on my mind a lot lately, especially in so many conversations with others about dreams for new communities-ministries-passions-ideas. it’s easy to measure our dreams by other people’s measures and forget that small is plenty.

* * * * *

“get ready, God is preparing you for something really, really small” – shane claiborne

i have always tended to do everything big in my life. i never really set out to have 5 kids, but i am the one who had 12 bridesmaids and over 400 people at our wedding & keeps the post office in business with how many christmas cards we send every year. it’s just…me (and that my #1 strength on the strengthsfinder is “includer”, ha ha).

but i’m learning something really precious and beautiful in this season–just how powerful “small” really is.

i first earned my chops in big-church world, stepping into leadership a big chunk of years ago and then ramping it up a few years later on the pastoral staff at a mega-church. the contrast between where i was and where i am now is actually quite comical and once in a while at some our refuge gatherings i find myself chuckling at the difference between the two. i went from as professional & amazing & full-of-wow-and-tons-of-people as you can get to simple-pared-down-unplugged-and-small. it’s apples & oranges.

and while i’m not saying that “big is bad” i think i’m more convinced than ever that “small is plenty.”

here’s why:

transformational, redemptive relationships require a lot of time and energy. learning Jesus’ ways of love is complicated. most people–no matter how put together they may look on the outside–struggle with feeling loved by God & people & passing on love to God and people. shifting those deep places in hearts is not something that comes in a snap. it takes a long time to build trust, intimacy & connection. it takes intention and fighting against the path of least resistance which will always tend toward “i’m too busy” or “i really don’t need people in my life, i’ve got it covered on my own.” after 6 wild years of life in the refuge community, i see up-close-and-personal just how much time and energy it takes to nurture transformation. the tangled web of life together is impossible to navigate in a sea of hundreds of nameless faces.

real life is unpredictable and hard; the needs are great. $*!&!( happens. marriages begin to crumble, jobs get lost, people get sick, family members die, relationships break up, kids get in trouble, people get inspired to adopt children from foster care & overseas, depression kicks in, the pain gets great enough to enter recovery. real life is unpredictable and if i look around most of the relationships i am in–both in and outside of the refuge community–there’s a lot of real life going on that is complicated and messy. sure, it’s easy to just stand by and watch when there’s no real connection between people, but in a small community dedicated to life together, in different ways we all share in the pain and struggle together. and while it is a beautiful gift, it is also impossible to share these kinds of burdens on too big of a scale. when it comes to the needs of real life, small is plenty.

everyone needs a space to use their gifts & passions & voice. this is something i’m most passionate about because the body of Christ is supposed to be a place where each and every person who is a part is contributing in some way, shape or form–bringing their gifts & passions & voice to the community. in big settings, there’s only so much “room” so the talented & louder voices are the ones who usually get heard. in our practicing community, we go out of our way to hear from as many different people as possible in as many different ways as possible. and even then, it’s tricky to do.

growth doesn’t mean numbers. almost all church-planting and success-in-life models are focused on numerics & dollars–butts in seats & bucks in the offering plate or some combination of that. the growth that i see really has nothing to do with the-number-of-people-who-come-to-our-gatherings but rather seeing people become more loving, caring, compassionate, generous, and kind in little & big ways. of seeing people find hope when there wasn’t any. of seeing people really “become more like Christ” even if none of those words were ever used. yeah, there’s a big difference between building churches & cultivating communities.

never underestimate how much impact “small” can really have. i feel so blessed to see this in some little ministries, missional communities, and individuals-who-are-dedicated-to-the-poor-and-marginalized-in-all-kinds-of-crazy-innovative-ways. small pockets of love matter. justice & mercy & hope ripple out from small acts of kindness & love. one life can change one other life. and that one life matters. if we are always thinking we’re not big enough, strong enough, cool enough, sustainable enough, we will miss out on amazing people & opportunities to love & live right in front of us.

learning how to embrace small as plenty means becoming comfortable in our own skin, accepting ourselves how we truly are individually & corporately.

it means bending our ear and heart toward the ways of the kingdom of God–where the ways of the world are turned upside down, the last shall be first and the first shall be last, where learning the ways of love one relationship at a time supersedes everything else.

more than ever, i am discovering that small is plenty.

10 reasons why i’m an advocate for women’s liberation

Posted on Mar 9, 2012 in dreams, equality, ex good christian women, jesus is cool, women in ministry | 22 comments

yesterday was international women’s day. and like usual, i’m always a little late to the party. some people think i’m a broken record when it comes to women’s equality. i’m glad. i want to use my voice & hands & feet in any small ways i can to shift the tides of inequality & injustice that strip the dignity of women.

here’s why i’m pro-woman, pro-equality, pro-liberation-of-half-the-population:

1. i think Jesus was. every interaction Jesus had with women was to set them free and lift their burdens of bondage. and he said we were supposed to be like him. i don’t know why the church built on his name has done the exact opposite; it still baffles me.

2. women’s wisdom will make the world better. it’s said that the same way of thinking that got us into our problems can’t get us out. it’s time for some new minds & hearts to get in the mix so that more creative, peaceful, collaborative solutions can be considered in our families, cities, churches, ministries, and organizations.

3. it’s good for men, too. i don’t want things to shift to women on top & men beneath them, either. i’m pro-equality. our freedom is tied up together. when we learn how to be equals, alongside one another as partners, brothers & sisters, teammates, and friends, it reflects God’s image in all kinds of beautiful ways.

4. the church should be the leader of restoring dignity and equality, instead of dragging along behind. so i may not be able to change the whole big church but i can play my part in cultivating equality & freedom in our little one.

5. others need us to fight for their freedom. many can’t fight. we have liberties others don’t. our freedom is all tangled up together. if we stay stuck, others stay stuck. if we get free, we can participate in setting others free, too.

6. i have to look in my daughter’s eyes. i have a responsibility to do whatever i can to make sure she has every opportunity she deserves inside & outside of the church. i can’t tolerate someone telling her she is less because of her gender.

7. i have to look in my 4 son’s eyes. they deserve equal partners who will show up, and participate in relationship instead of remain silenced and diminished. they also deserve to be set free of the bondage of male stereotypes that limit and damage.

7. yeah, the next generation needs us. we can’t leave them hanging. we have to keep paving the way, like the brave men & women before us, to make their path less & less bumpy.

8. when we are silent, we stand on the side of the oppressor. it’s easier to play nice. it’s easier to follow the status quo. it’s easier to stick with the crowd and keep supporting churches & the media & systems that strip dignity and freedom. but when we do, we condone inequality and align with oppression.

9. we must be the change we want to see. i can’t sit around waiting for the church to change. the kingdom isn’t going to drop out of the sky. God uses people to change the world.

10. freedom isn’t just a bigger cage. liberation means full freedom in Christ, not just lesser-oppression.

happy international women’s day, one day late.

may we keep playing our part in liberation.

what about you? what motivates you to keep advocating for freedom?

* * * * *

i’ve got a couple of posts up this week at other sites that are more of this same song: