doesn’t really go anywhere else

faith & politics: my journey

Posted on Mar 10, 2008 in crazy making, doesn't really go anywhere else, ex good christian women, fundamentalism | 8 comments

imagine that?   for years, honestly, i acted like i was 100% sure that God was a republican (a great quote i was reminded of this week by anne lamott:   “we can be pretty certain we’ve created God in our own image if he hates all the same people we do.” thanks, jonathan)  oh, how that was me!  please, anyone i have harmed or offended with my one-mindedness in years-past, forgive me.  trust me, i have already made my share of amends.

i confess, for a pretty long season i was weirdly entrenched in the typical christian system where faith & politics are all mixed up in the strangest of ways.    the past few years have been such a great and free-ing transition for me, where i finally am in the midst of all kinds of people instead of just ones who think and believe and vote just like me.   oddly, looking back, it never occurred to me how insulated we had become when it came to what we believed about God & politics & family values.  we just mimicked the people we were around, and part of it just “fit” with where and how we were living at the time.   my husband was a naval-academy-grad-US-navy-jet-pilot and there weren’t  too many democrats in that crowd during those days.   add in attendance at a conservative evangelical church for “young families” and you have all the mixin’s for good republicans. 

a little background on how we got there:  his family immigrated here legally years ago and are still very dedicated republicans.  my family on the silveira side (that’s my maiden name) are dyed-in-the-wool democrats (they’ve never voted for a republican in their lives).  i had “change the world” genes in me and wanted to go to cal berkeley until a weird turn of events landed me a scholarship at pepperdine university (my mom was a single mom, and it was an amazing life-changing opportunity for me).  my freshman year at pepperdine one of my professors asked for a show of hands to see who was a democrat and who was republican.  me and one other guy were the only 2 democrats in a room of 40+ republican 18-20 year olds!     

but slowly i became evangelicalized.  by the time i met jose i had 3 years at a conservative school and was drawn to the good evangelical boundaries and rules because i desperately needed some of them in my life.   in many ways, it saved me.  jose’s strong political convictions won me over and not too long into our marriage i “officially” became a republican.  i remember the day i got my voter registration card in the mail.   i became a good-so-cal-christian-republican-woman and during our early parenting years i used to coordinate letter writing campaigns with the other officer’s wives to our congressmen about family values issues while our babies played in the other room (yes, this was really me, it’s embarrassing to say out loud but it’s just the truth of where i was at the time).  i remember our bible study cried when bill clinton got elected (oh, just admit it if you did, too, it will make me feel better). 

but like lots of us good evangelicals, things started to shift several years ago. what we once took part & parcel we began to question. jose went to law school on a social justice scholarship and his world started rockin’ and rollin’….his politics, his faith began to morph.  i started asking better questions, had more doubts about what i had saddled up with and why.   we started to discover we weren’t alone.   lots of conversations over dinner with friends started revealing the same questions. 

last week a few of us from the refuge went to hear jim wallis who was in town promoting his new book the great awakening about the changing landscape of religion & politics.    according to a barna poll of 16-29 year old christians (from sojourners february 2008 issue):

50% perceive christianity to be judgmental, hypocritical and too political.

33% say christianity is old fashioned and out of touch with reality.

80% say “anti-homosexual” is a phrase that describes christianity.

and unfortunately, for me, some of the christian-republican things got all wrapped up with each other.  why have i left being part of the evangelical right?  frankly i just got tired of the same old mail coming into my mailbox each week about the abortion issue and homosexuality.   i got tired of the meanness and judgemental spirit, the ”us” and “them.”  because of some of the things i believe, i became one of “them.”   i still believe in some of the things conservatives stand for, but i believe there are bigger fish to fry than just these two issues and taxes (i know many other conservatives do too). but let’s face it:  these past few years poverty and global warming are finally on the table as moral issues, and i believe we can attribute some of that to a bunch of celebrities who used their clout to get these issues the attention they have deserved.   i am thankful that sojourners has been trying to raise awareness of how unfair it is to lump all christians into the right wing, that there are some of us gravely concerned about oppression and poverty and injustice in the world and don’t necessarily align with the democratic party, either.    i am also grateful i have lovely democrat christian friends and lovely republican christian friends and lovely non-christian democrat friends and lovely non-christian republican friends, too. 

regardless of everyone’s loveliness, i have had some decisions to make for myself.  i have been toying with changing my party status to independent for the past few years, but here’s what pushed me over the edge:  the invisible children video.  if there was oil in uganda, i do not believe our government would stand by while thousands of kids flee to hospitals and parks for protection every night.  the money & power b.s. just got the best of me.   right around the same time, i had a distressing conversation with two of my kids about the evangelical christianity political thing.   to be honest, we’ve had at least a 7 year sabbatical from talking much politics in our house. it just hasn’t been at the top of our list in a long time.  plus, our kids are just more grown up now and can engage in honest conversations.   i asked them what they knew about democrats because a couple of the younger ones alluded to something negative about them and it bothered me (they used to go to christian school).  here’s what they heard: “democrats don’t have morals.” oh that did me in (and happily, they are now in public school getting demoralized by all those “public school kids” we used to be so afraid of..) 

so here’s what i’ve learned in the past few years: 

we have to learn what we believe in apart from the people we hang around.

we are allowed to pick and choose what issues are important to us. we are also allowed to change our minds.  we are allowed to see scripture through different lenses, from new angles we never considered before.  we are allowed to “not know” and to be confused about things we used to be certain about related to God, and politics too. 

we need to be cautious about throwing God’s name around when it comes to politics.  

it is good to have friends who believe all kinds of different things. there is beauty beyond words in diversity of opinion, thoughts and beliefs.

our voices matter.  

i don’t necessarily have to be a republican or a democrat.

i believe it’s my responsibility as a Christ-follower to consider the underdog, the poor, the marginalized, the oppressed, the voice-less because the authorities in power probably won’t naturally do it themselves.

so there it is.   my faith & politics all jumbled up in some glorious confusing mess that feels okay for today….

a little re-post here, a little link there

Posted on Feb 10, 2008 in church stuff, doesn't really go anywhere else, spiritual formation, the fam, the refuge | 8 comments

instead of re-creating the wheel, i thought i’d just pass on a few other posts from the refuge and the collage workshop i went to this past weekend.  

the refuge post is about some of the marks of authentic community & some of the things we are passionate about. you can check it out here.

jenny wrote about the collage workshop that the refuge hosted on saturday.  she has some good pictures you can check out here.  it was 3 hours of therapy for $5!!  so good.  great company &  worth the energy to get there.  my collage is in the picture above but her site you can see it so much better.  it is always fun for make space for creative things like this. it’s on my kitchen windowsill so i will see it each day. i really do want to “enjoy the ride” this year instead of clenching my fists all the time, squeezing my eyes shut and hoping the ride gets over quick, missing all the beauty of the moment.

and lastly,  i will say i was so proud of the refuge tonight–we did the spiritual discipline of silence & solitude as a community, watched the rob bell nooma noise dvd & created 5 different stations for people to go to in complete silence: fire, prayer, communion, darkness (we had ties for people to blindfold themselves), and praise.  we had a few guided questions at each place.  we were making apologies to people for pushing them to try something so awkward together and the push back to us was “cut it out, we can hack it”. it was lovely.  i come from that darn attractional mindset sometimes and forget that at this point no one is at the refuge because of the feel-good show because there most certainly isn’t one.  they are here to dig in, give new things a try, and be part of the conversation instead of sitting passively.  i looked up during my time at the prayer station & i got a little teary realizing “damn, we’re really doing this!”   i always have this little noogling fear we’re going to systematically drive people away with these crazy experiments but i have to say i think it’s glorious to at least be trying.  everyone’s experiences were all over the place. 

i did kind of hear from God during my silence.   in general, when i am anxious, my foot & leg start shaking, sometimes just subtly, sometimes a little less covert, but it is always just my anxiety popping out and is a way i know i’m stressed and anxious.  i’ve been noticing a bit more lately.  during the quiet God gave me this repeated image of his strong gentle hand on my leg.  “honey, settle down.”  the verse that popped into my head was one of my favs.  psalm 46:10–be still and know that i am God.  i kept writing down:  i am God.  kathy, you are not.  i am God.  you are not.  be still.  i am God.  you are not. settle down.  be still.   i did feel a little less anxious & am always reminded when i make a little intentional space God seems to seep in something i need to hear. 

well, it was a good wacky refuge eve and a great example that worship doesn’t have to mean music & church doesn’t have to mean a sermon.  

and to top it off afterward we hung out with an old friend who was visiting from arkansas & watched the grammy’s (all the kids were rooting for kanye).  it was a little anti-climactical with herbie hancock winning album of the year (????) but always a great show and one of the escobar fam traditions!

quirks r fun

Posted on Jan 9, 2008 in doesn't really go anywhere else, just because i thought it was funny | 4 comments

okay so maybe i really am in blog-land now,  i always used to see these things when i was reading other people’s blogs:  people would get tagged by someone else to respond to some specific questions and then tag someone else.  i always felt left out (typical me, i hate to not be in on the party).  anyway, today i got tagged by glenn and erin to participate (it made me smile and was a good diversion to the crazy & sad week i’ve had (more on that later). 

here are the rules:·        

• link to the person who tagged you
• post the rules on your blog·        
• share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself·        
• tag six people and at the end of your post, link to their blogs.·
• let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. 

so, here goes. ask the people in my community who see  my quirkiness all the time. their list would be longer than six!  but here are the ones off the top of my head:

1. i absolutely positively cannot stand people slurping or dipping or gulping anywhere next to me.  jose is a cookie, donut, cake milk dipper and it drives me crazy.  when he slurps and gulps sometimes, honestly, it is worse than nails on a  chalkboard.  (really trite super over-used churchy words have the same effect)
2. when i was in high school i worked at chuck e. cheese’s for a year or so and used to dress up in the costume and go out and greet the kids.  i was mr. munch, too (the big purple guy).   those costumes are hot and stifling.  my kids think that is the funniest thing.
3. i am an absolutely terrible domestic person. i don’t cook or clean, really. every year it seems i get a little worse.   i once went 6 months without vacuuming my house (it actually didn’t look as bad as it sounds but still…).  i am famous among my friends for buying amazingly good food at costco but never cooking.  a few months ago i baked an apple pie for fun and everyone at our house of refuge stood in front of the oven, in awe.
4. i hate wearing socks & long pants and closed toed shoes & i whine and complain about the cold weather all the time(i am a california girl who got stuck in colorado).  a few days ago it is 40 degrees here but i wore my capris.  i do not own a pair of snowboots.
5. i know so much good people magazine-type information about movie stars and hollywood stuff that sometimes i have to hide my “people magazine knowledge” when i am playing certain trivia games because i’m actually embarrassed that i know all the answers.
6. i have given birth to 5 children with no drugs. (ps: it’s not like i said i would never get any, it just never quite worked out in the moment!)

 okay so now i am going to tag…

jenny (to start off the year with some fun…)

amy (because you always have quirky quizzes on your site)

john (you probably get these all the time but you came to mind because i read your wallpost about juno!)

phyllis (a little diversion might be nice for you too, it was a good mind-time-waster for me, now i need to go to bed)

have fun!

2007 was cool…

Posted on Dec 29, 2007 in doesn't really go anywhere else | 5 comments

in the spirit of wrapping up the year, there would be too many highlights to mention. it was a good year for me.  i am still healing from my mega-church crazy exit at the beginning of ’06 but i think i am really truly done with the big grieving.   this year, the tears dried up. most of the anger has dissipated.  a lot of hope has emerged.   i really like my life now.  i can look back and be thankful for all that i gained from being part of such a big and wild organization.  all that i learned–the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful–has made me so much more passionate about believing that “the Kingdom now” is something worth fighting for even when sometimes i want to give up & throw in the towel.  pain & hurt is sometimes that way—in the moment we are completely blinded by it.  but as we move through healing & time & forgiveness, a lovely light can pierce through the darkness.    i started this year with more hope than i had the previous year, and i am ending it with more than i had at the beginning.  2007 was a year of clarity on what i believe about brokenness, leadership, equality, diversity, love & grace in community.  and while these areas became more clear, fuzziness increased to near record levels on what  i believe about doctrine and the christian dogma that i clung to for many years.  i have no idea what 2008 will bring. i don’t have huge plans for “the way it is supposed to be” (rare for me) and i think that’s a good thing. i want to hold things a little more loosely in the new year, be willing to move & groove & shift and be less self-centered & controlling about the way i think it should go.  i am excited about the refuge’s future; even though it’s hard to pull off this kind of upside down community i wouldn’t trade it for anything.  i look forward to another year with my babies before they grow up and leave us (josh is only 2 ½ years away).  and maybe most of all, i am most encouraged that maybe my heart will fling open a little wider toward God & i might taste a bit more of what it means to lean more fully into His ways instead of mine. 

yep, 2007 was a cool year. i encountered so many new cool people, thoughts, things, moments, experiences.   here are some of my highlights…check them out if you are online wasting time and like to click on links. for me, it has just been a good reminder.

2007′s coolest….

conference (that doesn’t really feel like a conference): off the map 

gift i bought people (and myself,  i couldn’t resist): jen lemen’s hope candle & cool people care poster

present i got this christmas:  a collage made by josh, my almost 16 year old, of words that describe me. it made me cry.

children’s ministry video (for the refuge VBS’y thing we did, made by our very own paul & christa romig-leavitt): creation

church shopper: (all she wants is reliable casserole delivery, is that too much to ask?) betty butterfield 

movie i saw, no doubt my fav for the year:  juno

fiction book i read, the story just sucked me in….  middlesex

nonfiction read:  irresistible revolution by shane claiborne. i want to be like him.

people sold out for the urban poor/marginalized in denver:  milehigh ministries

refuge blog entry, it was simple but it really hit the nail on the head:  karl’s  inspiration addiction

church plant, i have so much respect for these guys: home-pdx in portland, a plant from the bridge. jose & i are going up there to hang out in january…

surprise – my 40th birthday party at the refuge, yeah, they got me good!

quote that lingered—”no heart is as whole as a broken heart, and i would say that no faith is as solid as a wounded faith.” elie wiesel

thoughts for churches & christians to consider – jim & casper go to church by jim henderson & matt casper

Jesus story that seemed to pop up in all kinds of conversations i had this year:  john 8:1-11

happy end of 2007. hope for all of us for 2008!

a newborn baby blog is born!

Posted on Dec 28, 2007 in doesn't really go anywhere else | 11 comments

blogging is the weirdest thing. i never even knew it existed 1 1/2 years ago, but reading them has helped me more than i would have ever imagined.  out here in cyberspace i have discovered i am not crazy.  there are others who have changed, shifted, left behind, let go of old ways of doing church & faith & community, too.   i love blogging at the refuge, but it is a different kind of venue, a diversity of voices and a different format.  this year i thought i’d try to create a space that would allow me to say out loud in a more consistent & unedited way some of the things i’m wrestling with in terms of God & life & relationships.   i have no idea if anyone cares. it will be for me as much as anyone else, but i do hope that those who read here will find some comfort, too, knowing you are not alone, either.  you are not the only one doubting, questioning, wondering, healing, dreaming, fighting for freedom, seeking hope.   i will try to post sort of frequently (but no promises, i always have the 5 kids, husband in law school, crazy refuge life excuse).  please comment, it makes the whole thing so much less lonely! 

ps: i downloaded all of the posts i have written from the refuge blog & xgcw (ex good christian women–yes, i am officially an “ex”) over this past year and a half but i deleted all of the comments since it wasn’t really fair to those who thought their comments would only be on the refuge site.  some of you have already read these posts but i figured it would be nice to have them all in one place!