doesn’t really go anywhere else
insecure christians & piles of other posts
hey friends, today i have a guest post up at my friend rachel held evan’s rockin’ blog. it’s called insecure christians so go check it out! you can comment there or here, if you want. i’d love to hear your thoughts as this is a subject near and dear to my heart, and i believe wholeheartedly that “the spiritual journey is to uncover God’s image that was originally placed there.”
also, this weekend i added a link to my blog of posts i wrote for communitas collective over 2009-2011, most of which were never clearly posted on my blog as a separate post. if you’re really bored, check them out here. this fall i have also had a the privilege of being part of sheloves magazine, writing a monthly column fleshing out some of the ideas from down we go. you can check out the posts i’ve written so far here.
the advent synchroblog is this week, too, if you want to be part. we are partnering with christine sine this year, who posts almost every day during the advent season and has an open invitation to participate. her new book–waiting for the light–a collection of advent reflections, is now on sale, too. i’m honored to be part.
happy thanksgiving week to each of you.
thanks for reading! peace, kathy
Read Morea busy bee
ah, life at the escobar house is always an adventure. it’s been a good season for all kinds of refuge community fun, we’re on our last week of summer before the kids go back to school & our wonderful friends from portland–ken loyd & jessica roye from home-pdx in portland just left. they are seriously good for the soul. when the kids go back to school i am always a little excited to get back in our groove of a little less chaos (i know some of you are chuckling right now at my wishful unrealistic thinking!)
meanwhile, i have been too busy to write any blog posts other than a couple here and there in my head while i’m driving, but i have a few pieces to maybe catch up on from verve, which is part of communitas collective and focuses on cultivating new forms of church. check them out & i’d love to hear some of your thoughts.
also, we are continuing to cultivate voca femina and are seeing what can happen when a space is created for women to share their creativity and heart in an open and safe place. issue #11 just posted, and you can check out pictures from our second denver share party on august 3rd here. it was a beautiful evening filled with so many incredible women.
lastly, i’ve been thinking a lot about the carnival and have a few fun ideas i want to try in the fall that i need to quit talking about and actually do. stay tuned. i have been wondering, though, if there are some specific topics or focuses or interviews or or questions that you’d love to see tossed around or more fleshed out. if you have any you want to pass on to me, leave a comment or shoot me an email.
thanks for reading, and soak in as much summer as you can!
Read Morewaking up
i have come to see that america is in danger of losing her soul, something must happen to awaken the dozing soul of america before it is too late.
- martin luther king jr.
what a week it’s been. a historic election that none of us will ever forget. a sense of hope & purpose & we-ness that hasn’t been felt in a long time by so many (i realize there are some that don’t feel that way and i understand, but the reality is that no one can deny that something big & powerful is really happening in our country with people coming together across race & socioeconomics & religion & all kinds of other ways like never before). i myself have been in a bit of a fog, lots happening around here with kids birthdays & refuge parties & crazy escobar chaos and so some of what happened last week is a bit of a delayed reaction for me, and i am just catching up. we finally watched obama’s acceptance speech last night (and mccain’s concession speech as well) and i definitely continue to feel this wonderful sense of excitement about “what could be.”
i know there are so many out there who say that we aren’t supposed to put our hope in a person but solely in God. i agree with them on one level; i am one of the most anti-hero-worship people i know. i do not worship barack obama. i am glad he became our president for all kinds of reasons, but i do not put my hope in him. what i do believe, however, is that for whatever reason something is happening in the hearts of people that can’t be ignored, something beautiful, powerful, hopeful, and risky & scary, too. you see, i think people are actually “waking up.” a stirring is happening, a rumbling, a deep desire for change & equality & diversity & caring for the poor and marginalized & loving our neighbor for reals & coming together in true community & all kinds of other in-the-image-of-God ways.
while there are many out there who have been waking up for a long time, there are also others who have maybe been sleeping for a while, settling for the status quo, letting the tides wash them in and out and not really believing that something might ever shift. maybe a little stuck, paralyzed. maybe a little (or a lot) hopeless. maybe just sure that any real change in their lives, in their churches, in the world, is just too complicated and will require way too much work so why even bother. oh it is so easy to live there. i know it well, that feeling of seeing a hill ahead and having that sense of “there’s no way around this so let’s just forget it now before we even take one step toward it.” so we go back to sleep. the dreams, desires, hopes get re-buried, lying dormant somewhere in the crevices of our heart and we continue our slumber, hoping that they won’t pop back up and cause us more trouble again.
but i think God is in the wake-up business. i think what many are experiencing right now in response to the nation’s election is more than just “obama hype” (although i am sure that some of that is in there). i personally think it is something deeper, a desire for community, change, voice, hope, diversity & unity that God created in people from the very beginning. i think this stirring just happens right now to be reflected in politics instead of the church, that’s all. and personally i am so excited that this awakening is happening in such a tangible way for so many. i think the question that i am asking myself and i hope that others are asking, too, is “what is God waking up in my heart?” is it a call to step into something i’m afraid to step into? is it a call to relationship? healing? community? serving? moving? leading? changing? waiting? is it clear or is it fuzzy? how can i participate in the movement of God in my own life, my own family, my own community? i know people are all over the map on this one, but i do honestly hope that in this next season we become more and more in tune to what God might be waking up inside of us and be willing to act on it. take the risk. step out into some weird and wild wilderness and give something a try no matter how stupid it might feel. do something rather than nothing. grab someone else’s hand and say “i need you to help me stay awake so i don’t let this idea, dream, hope pass me by.”
in all of us is a tendency toward the path of least resistance. and that path will usually lead us to status quo, stagnancy, staying-the-same-because-at-least-we-know-what-it’s-like-here. i think that’s why so many people stay in jobs they don’t like, churches they are bored in, and circumstances that are safe and predictable no matter how unfulfilling. real change takes some pretty serious energy & i am just wondering how many of us, when we are really honest, struggle with believing that God will take good care of us if we step out into the wild unknown & risk our hearts to hope? i know that i sometimes feel that way, no doubt. but one thing i am clinging to, maybe more than ever before, is that life is short. and i want to know that in whatever time God gave me that i was a person who did my best to stay awake & participate in this one short life i was gifted with. i do believe the world gets changed one little life at a time & that the kingdom isn’t something that is impossible to taste, experience, participate in in the here-and-now. it is right before me. right before you. i want to keep waking up to be part of it.
early last year, my friend sage gave me this rumi poem that always lingers:
For years copying other people, I tried to know myself
from within I couldn’t decide what to do.
Unable to see, I heard my name called
and then I walked outside
the breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you
don’t go back to sleep.
you must ask for what you really want
don’t go back to sleep.
people are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
the door is round and open.
don’t go back to sleep.
he had given it to a friend with a bottle of no-doze (i have to admit, it brought back some college flashbacks of those all-nighters & my use of legalized speed). but in all honesty, i think if i had a little gift to give us right now when it comes to any form of “awakening” that God might be stirring up in us, it would be a bottle of no-doze, a reminder to not go back to sleep. to keep opening our minds, our hearts, our hands, our feet, our lives to what could be, whatever that looks like for each one of us, individually, corporately. i’d love to hear some of your thoughts.
Read Moreme + movies = happy
i have said before, i really, really love the movies! it’s a way i connect with God & life and is my most favorite escape. well, this summer i set a little goal to watch as many movies as i possibly could for the next few months and to not feel guilty about it. this will be a more relaxing summer than usual. with 5 kids at home, jose studying for the bar (he takes it on july 31st), and the refuge foundation a little more solid, i decided to limit my schedule a bit and be a little more chill for the next 10 weeks (we have the shortest summer ever, my kids go back to school august 12th this year!). i haven’t really watched TV in years so i decided to make up for all that lost time–from memorial to labor day it’s my summer movie marathon…
here’s what i’ve seen so far. yeah, 11 movies in less than 2 weeks…decadent, fun, and good for my soul!
1. indiana jones & the kingdom of the crystal skull - jose, josh and i snuck away for a morning matinee the day after it came out. we liked it, just good ol’ indiana jones fun
2. the station agent - got the recomendation from brian & tracy. we really liked it. very simple & sweet. our favorite character was joe, the guy who ran the snack truck. his longing for connection & for friendship was the cutest thing. and of course patricia clarkson was amazing. it was a sundance film festival winner & i hope to watch as many of those as i can.
3. prince caspian - we all went to see this one, the whole fam. it was great, loved it. still thinking about so many scenes…better than any sermon or church service hands down.
4. into the wild – wow, that was intense. excellent music, too. i had been wanting to see this for a long time. disturbing on so many levels and such a telling example that without people to share life with, it just doesn’t work.
5. enchanted - cute! amy adams was great and i thought it was so well done for a kids movie.
6. the squid and the whale – oh boy, i would never in a million years tell anyone to watch this movie. it was so disturbing, my jaw was locked and my stomach was tight the entire time and i was yelling out loud at jeff daniels because his character was such a jackass. the unfortunately too-real-and-raw story of a family experiencing divorce and the fallout to the two children was just a little bit too intense for me. i saw it with my dear friend who loves movies like i do and we both felt a little sick. i must admit, the acting was amazing.
7. once - so sweet, so good. only reason it got rated R is for the f word. loved the story & the music and the simplicity and the beautiful story being told underneath.
8. ps: i love you – julia and i watched that together (she’s my 14 year old). i got sucked in. we cried. it made me want to write notes to jose and all my kids just in case i die suddenly…
9. what about bob - ”i need, i need, i need, gimme, gimme, gimme” so funny on so many levels.
10. reign on me - wow, that was a tough one, but i love don cheadle & it really came together. no way not to cry at certain moments when he is telling his story & i think it illustrated the power of community, believing in what others can’t see and staying in even when it’s tough.
11. must love dogs – i always love john cusak & once in a while a good ol’ sappy romantic comedy is just what the doctor ordered.
well, there you have it, my 2 week recap. i am not sure if i should be embarrassed or proud??? i have to say, wish i could have the same commitment to working out & eating right, ha! next up: the namesake, charlie bartlett & we’ll re-watch the great debaters together as a fam. going to see the visitor & iron man at the theater. any great recommendations, send them my way!
Read Morefaith & politics: my journey
imagine that? for years, honestly, i acted like i was 100% sure that God was a republican (a great quote i was reminded of this week by anne lamott: “we can be pretty certain we’ve created God in our own image if he hates all the same people we do.” thanks, jonathan) oh, how that was me! please, anyone i have harmed or offended with my one-mindedness in years-past, forgive me. trust me, i have already made my share of amends.
i confess, for a pretty long season i was weirdly entrenched in the typical christian system where faith & politics are all mixed up in the strangest of ways. the past few years have been such a great and free-ing transition for me, where i finally am in the midst of all kinds of people instead of just ones who think and believe and vote just like me. oddly, looking back, it never occurred to me how insulated we had become when it came to what we believed about God & politics & family values. we just mimicked the people we were around, and part of it just “fit” with where and how we were living at the time. my husband was a naval-academy-grad-US-navy-jet-pilot and there weren’t too many democrats in that crowd during those days. add in attendance at a conservative evangelical church for “young families” and you have all the mixin’s for good republicans.
a little background on how we got there: his family immigrated here legally years ago and are still very dedicated republicans. my family on the silveira side (that’s my maiden name) are dyed-in-the-wool democrats (they’ve never voted for a republican in their lives). i had “change the world” genes in me and wanted to go to cal berkeley until a weird turn of events landed me a scholarship at pepperdine university (my mom was a single mom, and it was an amazing life-changing opportunity for me). my freshman year at pepperdine one of my professors asked for a show of hands to see who was a democrat and who was republican. me and one other guy were the only 2 democrats in a room of 40+ republican 18-20 year olds!
but slowly i became evangelicalized. by the time i met jose i had 3 years at a conservative school and was drawn to the good evangelical boundaries and rules because i desperately needed some of them in my life. in many ways, it saved me. jose’s strong political convictions won me over and not too long into our marriage i “officially” became a republican. i remember the day i got my voter registration card in the mail. i became a good-so-cal-christian-republican-woman and during our early parenting years i used to coordinate letter writing campaigns with the other officer’s wives to our congressmen about family values issues while our babies played in the other room (yes, this was really me, it’s embarrassing to say out loud but it’s just the truth of where i was at the time). i remember our bible study cried when bill clinton got elected (oh, just admit it if you did, too, it will make me feel better).
but like lots of us good evangelicals, things started to shift several years ago. what we once took part & parcel we began to question. jose went to law school on a social justice scholarship and his world started rockin’ and rollin’….his politics, his faith began to morph. i started asking better questions, had more doubts about what i had saddled up with and why. we started to discover we weren’t alone. lots of conversations over dinner with friends started revealing the same questions.
last week a few of us from the refuge went to hear jim wallis who was in town promoting his new book the great awakening about the changing landscape of religion & politics. according to a barna poll of 16-29 year old christians (from sojourners february 2008 issue):
50% perceive christianity to be judgmental, hypocritical and too political.
33% say christianity is old fashioned and out of touch with reality.
80% say “anti-homosexual” is a phrase that describes christianity.
and unfortunately, for me, some of the christian-republican things got all wrapped up with each other. why have i left being part of the evangelical right? frankly i just got tired of the same old mail coming into my mailbox each week about the abortion issue and homosexuality. i got tired of the meanness and judgemental spirit, the ”us” and “them.” because of some of the things i believe, i became one of “them.” i still believe in some of the things conservatives stand for, but i believe there are bigger fish to fry than just these two issues and taxes (i know many other conservatives do too). but let’s face it: these past few years poverty and global warming are finally on the table as moral issues, and i believe we can attribute some of that to a bunch of celebrities who used their clout to get these issues the attention they have deserved. i am thankful that sojourners has been trying to raise awareness of how unfair it is to lump all christians into the right wing, that there are some of us gravely concerned about oppression and poverty and injustice in the world and don’t necessarily align with the democratic party, either. i am also grateful i have lovely democrat christian friends and lovely republican christian friends and lovely non-christian democrat friends and lovely non-christian republican friends, too.
regardless of everyone’s loveliness, i have had some decisions to make for myself. i have been toying with changing my party status to independent for the past few years, but here’s what pushed me over the edge: the invisible children video. if there was oil in uganda, i do not believe our government would stand by while thousands of kids flee to hospitals and parks for protection every night. the money & power b.s. just got the best of me. right around the same time, i had a distressing conversation with two of my kids about the evangelical christianity political thing. to be honest, we’ve had at least a 7 year sabbatical from talking much politics in our house. it just hasn’t been at the top of our list in a long time. plus, our kids are just more grown up now and can engage in honest conversations. i asked them what they knew about democrats because a couple of the younger ones alluded to something negative about them and it bothered me (they used to go to christian school). here’s what they heard: “democrats don’t have morals.” oh that did me in (and happily, they are now in public school getting demoralized by all those “public school kids” we used to be so afraid of..)
so here’s what i’ve learned in the past few years:
we have to learn what we believe in apart from the people we hang around.
we are allowed to pick and choose what issues are important to us. we are also allowed to change our minds. we are allowed to see scripture through different lenses, from new angles we never considered before. we are allowed to “not know” and to be confused about things we used to be certain about related to God, and politics too.
we need to be cautious about throwing God’s name around when it comes to politics.
it is good to have friends who believe all kinds of different things. there is beauty beyond words in diversity of opinion, thoughts and beliefs.
our voices matter.
i don’t necessarily have to be a republican or a democrat.
i believe it’s my responsibility as a Christ-follower to consider the underdog, the poor, the marginalized, the oppressed, the voice-less because the authorities in power probably won’t naturally do it themselves.
so there it is. my faith & politics all jumbled up in some glorious confusing mess that feels okay for today….
Read Morea little re-post here, a little link there
instead of re-creating the wheel, i thought i’d just pass on a few other posts from the refuge and the collage workshop i went to this past weekend.
the refuge post is about some of the marks of authentic community & some of the things we are passionate about. you can check it out here.
jenny wrote about the collage workshop that the refuge hosted on saturday. she has some good pictures you can check out here. it was 3 hours of therapy for $5!! so good. great company & worth the energy to get there. my collage is in the picture above but her site you can see it so much better. it is always fun for make space for creative things like this. it’s on my kitchen windowsill so i will see it each day. i really do want to “enjoy the ride” this year instead of clenching my fists all the time, squeezing my eyes shut and hoping the ride gets over quick, missing all the beauty of the moment.
and lastly, i will say i was so proud of the refuge tonight–we did the spiritual discipline of silence & solitude as a community, watched the rob bell nooma noise dvd & created 5 different stations for people to go to in complete silence: fire, prayer, communion, darkness (we had ties for people to blindfold themselves), and praise. we had a few guided questions at each place. we were making apologies to people for pushing them to try something so awkward together and the push back to us was “cut it out, we can hack it”. it was lovely. i come from that darn attractional mindset sometimes and forget that at this point no one is at the refuge because of the feel-good show because there most certainly isn’t one. they are here to dig in, give new things a try, and be part of the conversation instead of sitting passively. i looked up during my time at the prayer station & i got a little teary realizing “damn, we’re really doing this!” i always have this little noogling fear we’re going to systematically drive people away with these crazy experiments but i have to say i think it’s glorious to at least be trying. everyone’s experiences were all over the place.
i did kind of hear from God during my silence. in general, when i am anxious, my foot & leg start shaking, sometimes just subtly, sometimes a little less covert, but it is always just my anxiety popping out and is a way i know i’m stressed and anxious. i’ve been noticing a bit more lately. during the quiet God gave me this repeated image of his strong gentle hand on my leg. “honey, settle down.” the verse that popped into my head was one of my favs. psalm 46:10–be still and know that i am God. i kept writing down: i am God. kathy, you are not. i am God. you are not. be still. i am God. you are not. settle down. be still. i did feel a little less anxious & am always reminded when i make a little intentional space God seems to seep in something i need to hear.
well, it was a good wacky refuge eve and a great example that worship doesn’t have to mean music & church doesn’t have to mean a sermon.
and to top it off afterward we hung out with an old friend who was visiting from arkansas & watched the grammy’s (all the kids were rooting for kanye). it was a little anti-climactical with herbie hancock winning album of the year (????) but always a great show and one of the escobar fam traditions!
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