crazy making

cross-gender friendships

Posted on Mar 1, 2011 in crazy making, dreams, equality, healing, incarnational, relationships, spiritual formation | 34 comments

if you’ve been reading here for a while you know i am extremely passionate about cross-gender friendships and men and women learning how to be with each other, side by side, as friends– leading, loving, learning, growing, giving, practicing, sharing, connecting as equals. we have terrible models for this, not only “in the church” but also in wider society. sexualization & fear & power issues have really kept men and women from loving each other as friends. we perpetuate the divide by keeping men in men’s groups and women in women’s groups, by assuming that if we’re married, we can never have a close and authentic relationship with a member of the opposite sex, and through buying into the false idea that “men and women just can’t be friends.”

Jesus’ call to love is a radical call. it’s not for the fainthearted. it’s not for those who want the easy road. it’s not for those who are satisfied with the status quo. love hurts. and love heals. we need to figure out ways to cross this great divide between men & women and learn to be true friends.

through these relationships, i believe so much can heal for both sexes. dignity can be restored, deep wounds can be healed, distorted images of God can be replaced with more balanced and whole ones. i truly believe we need mothers & fathers & sisters & brothers & daughters & sons and need to be those for other people as well.

my friend dan brennan has taken the topic of cross-gender friendship seriously. engaged in these relationships on a personal level, he also writes extensively about it in his book, sacred unions, sacred passions, and does whatever he can to advocate for people to consider exploring the idea and hopefully the practice of cross-gender friendships as part of a deepened spiritual journey. i am so thankful for his voice, his passion, his example. he has been a good & faithful friend to me from afar & helps remind me that some of what i long to see infiltrated into the kingdom of God can indeed happen.

if i could interview him at my kitchen table on video, i would, but because he’s in chicago and i’m in denver, this will have to do. enjoy!

when and how did you first begin exploring the whole idea of cross-gender friendships?

In some sense, I’ve always had cross-gender friendships throughout my adult life. But they were characteristic of typical friendships that were limited to group or couples-only interaction. The ironic turn in my story is when I began to form friendships with women through an online theology discussion group back in 2002. They started out with me praying for them either on the phone or AOL IM chat (remember that?) over some issues they were struggling with. Originally they were prayer appointments, but over time they gradually began to evolve into deeper, mutual relationships. As they continued to deepen, I started to explore the subject with a growing resolve not to settle for simple cookie cutter answers.

the whole topic of cross-gender friendships is very rarely talked about by many church systems. in fact, there is a great resistance to cross-gender mixing and much more emphasis placed on keeping the sexes segregated. where do you think this resistance comes from?

There is a great sexual fear between men and women. There are two stories about men and women in many church systems: 1) the sexual romantic story, and 2) the danger story for all those who don’t have romantic trajectory possibilities. There is a huge shame-based culture embedded in our sexuality where we segregate men and women into particular roles, relationships, and groups. When only these two stories are told, there is deep fear for men and women to be alone, unless they have a romantic path open. These stories profoundly shape the way communities view men and women. Even as communities recognize women as pastors/leaders, if these two stories are their most prominent communal narratives, men and women will not experience the fullness of what Jesus is calling us to.

I believe a much larger cultural issue shapes these two stories. I call it the romantic myth. This narrative soaked with on-the-street Freudianism weds romantic ideology with sexual compulsiveness. In popular versions of Freud amongst Christians, any desire to be close to someone of the opposite sex always has an unconscious undercurrent capable of springing up at any moment regardless of history. This obviously affects our views of men and women nurturing a growing friendship.

what are some of the typical push-back you get when you start stirring up the importance of cross-gender friendships?

“There’s no way this can work.”

“There is too much sexual brokenness in the world.”

“Our culture is too sexualized in order for men and women to be friends or get close to each other.”

“Marriages already have too much stress in them.”

“Adultery is a huge problem in the church.”

These are a few of the most typical responses.

what are you learning personally through the cross-gender friendships you are in?

Wow, much. Good, respectful, deep intimacy is possible with the opposite sex over a course of lengthy time even if one is married. It’s not only possible, it’s beautiful! We’ve nurtured a deep transparency between us. My closest cross-gender friendships have significant insight into my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities, my anxieties, my dreams, and my hopes. Knowing theirs transforms me, too. I’ve also learned the great beauty of resting in my wife’s love and support as well as my CGF’s love and support. They are not rivals but complimentary.

what are you learning about God through cross-gender friendships?

I’m not in control. I used to have God in a box (I would have never thought that) and I’ve had to give up a lot of culturally shaped spirituality. In so many church systems, friendship is the last place to experience God—especially cross-gender friendship. You are taught to experience God in your isolated “quiet times”, in private, isolated prayer, or in word-centered preaching and teaching with your notebooks in hand.

In the community of friends, God loves me deeply, lavishly, abundantly, and freely. My friends have forgiven me, freely, on more than one occasion when I’ve blown it or said something I shouldn’t have said. As friends of course, especially in our culture of superficiality, they could have walked out on me. But in freedom they have chosen to forgive me when I have needed to ask forgiveness. They have extended it and generously love me. This is what God is like.

I am learning that God is a God of deep beauty. I don’t know how else to describe the ongoing sense of relaxation, shalom, trust, and life-giving in my marriage and my friendships with other women. In Christmas of 2005, my wife joyfully gave me a gift: 2 tickets to see U2 with my single friend, Jennifer. In Christmas of 2009, my adult son joyfully gave me a gift: 2 tickets to see U2 with Jennifer. There is a deep grace and beauty I continue to marvel at.

what are the most common concerns that get expressed to you about the potential dangers of cross-gender friendships?

When you’re married, concerns are emotional adultery, physical adultery, triangles, and then broader gender themes of dysfunction. Singles have a different challenge of navigating the “sex part,” and saving themselves for their “soul mate”.

how do you respond to these concerns?

These are all genuine and appropriate concerns. There are potential dangers in all kinds of male-female relationships. Many Christians still encourage marriage even though domestic abuse, incest, emotional abuse, and dysfunctionality continue to occur in marriages and families. The stories are there. But there are also stories of fruitful, flourishing, healthy, enduring marriages.

Jesus has called us to love one another as He has loved us…not just love our spouses and then segregate deep love into male groups and female groups. Jesus doesn’t love anyone with a detached, platonic, kind of niceness that keeps us at an arm’s length distance.

This may sound counterintuitive to some in our romanticized culture, but it seems to me that nurturing and cultivating friendship with one’s spouse creates a healthy home (metaphorically and literally) to welcome cross-gender friends in a flourishing community of respect, reverence, and love for each other and their respective vocations (i.e. marriage or singleness). Marital friendship is a special, unique friendship. A healthy friendship between spouses avoids clinging (possessiveness) and an unhealthy, romanticized absorption which undermines so many contemporary marriages. As long as churches only offer to men and women sex-segregated paths of intimacy apart from marriage, we will reinforce stereotypes and avoidant, unhealthy attachments.

in your experience, what are the greatest fallacies about CGF’s that perpetuate the great divide between men and women?

First, deep reconciliation between sexes is not possible this side of heaven. Clearly, you cannot have reconciliation between sexes without cultivating and nurturing friendships between the sexes. You can’t have one without the other. As long as churches hold to this eschatological fallacy, churches will only go so far. Churches may embrace women leaders but they won’t allow them to nurture deep friendships with the opposite sex when they embrace that fallacy.

Second, that men and women don’t need each other in friendship for advancing equality, justice, and freedom for women. The radical feminist form of this is that women don’t need men and need to bond together in political friendship alliances. In the popular media, there is this same message out there. In churches of course, this fallacy is advanced where supposedly women only need friendships with women but not with men, and the whole sex-segregated message is perpetuated. But, justice, freedom, and equality will flourish when friendship-love replaces abstract political agendas (even good ones). I think this is at the heart of the message of Jesus for men and women who long for shalom in their communities, cities, and nation.

what has surprised you the most about your cross-gender friendships?

They challenged me to change my views about women in ministry. This wasn’t a direct challenge from my friends. It came when I was learning to see them for who they are, their gifts, and possibilities for them. It challenged me to re-read Scripture and think more deeply about hermeneutics. I began these friendships as a complementarian and emerged into an egalitarian. Friendship summons us in marriage and community to an authentic process of a mutual give and take that recognizes the dignity, beauty, and freedom of one another.

Another huge surprise was that my cross-gender friendships made me a better husband—they helped deepen my love and friendship with Sheila. By learning to listen to my friends and seeing their unique beauty, I learned to listen to Sheila better and see her distinctive beauty. At the same time, my cross gender friends love me, my marriage, and Sheila. They’ve given me great support for my marriage.

one of the things i’ve experienced is that many people have a deep longing for these kinds of friendships but because don’t have very good models for them and because we only hear about the dangers, we don’t even know where to start. where and how do you start?

In faith communities, perhaps start with some authentic group conversation about where men and women are in their views of sexuality, marriage, and friendship. If you are able to nurture the conversation rather than yield to the urge to fix it, this could open to some deep healing conversations of authenticity, fears, concerns, hopes, etc. Perhaps use my book as a starting point. I’ve heard from couples (unmarried and married) who have read my book together and it really opened up deep conversations. From there, men and women should explore more possibilities of social connecting with others who share the same likes, interests, etc. or possibly, yes, even pairs when there is freedom and understanding.

I think it’s important to keep aware of the pace at the start in paired relationships. There is no formula for friendship. Allow it to develop naturally. If the pacing develops rapidly, it is vulnerable to misunderstanding or a premature intensity that could destroy the relationship. That’s not to say healthy intensity can’t arise, it is just wise to be aware of the pace. Because of possible misunderstandings, it may be fruitful and wise to have a nonromantic “define the relationship” talk about the way the friendship is shaping and going and even step back if need be.

you are involved in a new project called “the sacred friendship project” in 2011. what is this exactly and how can those who want to participate?

I am so excited about this! We’re taking a posture of listening and learning. Jim Henderson, John Armstrong, Elaine Jones Hansen, Jennifer Roach, Susan Matheson and I have come together to create what we are calling the “sacred friendship project.” We want to create a space for stories of friendship, especially deep friendships. We think many church systems have virtually ignored friendships in their vision of spirituality and community. The romantic myth discourages deep friendship unions between genders or same gender.

We are launching a sacred friendship project blog at the beginning of March. We would love to hear stories of friendships. We would like to hear about cross-gender friendships, same gender friendships, friendships in the gay community, friendships among Catholics, Orthodox, friendships among minority groups, etc. There is a sense in which the contemporary church has blown it when it comes to friendship-love and we want to say, “Yes, we have blown it, but we want to see friendships flourish in communities.” We want to begin developing a culture of friendship. Interested people can participate by sharing their own stories on the blog and participating. We hope the interest goes beyond the blog but it will start there.

what’s your hope for “the church” as in the wider body of Christ when it comes to cross-gender friendships?

My hope is Jesus’ prayer for all men and women (not just those who are married to each other): “That they may be one”.

* * * * *

thank you, dan, for your heart and time. we look forward to hearing more about the sacred friendship project as it unfolds & i hope some readers here will submit some of their stories. i am personally so grateful for all i continue to learn through my friendships with men. it has strengthened my faith, my sense-of-self, my marriage, and brought a healing and balance to my life that was long lacking and so desperately needed.

i do hope this discussion will linger. that those who are afraid will consider what a step toward this might look like. for those of you who want to talk more about it, you will gather a few people and take the time to listen to each other. for those of you who are learning a lot through your relationships with the opposite sex, that you’d share your stories out loud and remind others it’s possible. may God give us continued courage in this important aspect of life together.

i’d love to hear some of your thoughts…

* * * * *

ps: a great organization dedicated to biblical equality worth checking out if you haven’t already is christians for biblical equality.

these things shouldn’t be all that crazy…

Posted on Feb 22, 2011 in church stuff, crazy making, equality, incarnational, leadership | 7 comments

sometimes i have fun conversations with other people who have crazy ideas about “church”, too. whenever i do, i always say “well, it’s great to know we’re not crazy. or maybe if we are, at least we’re not alone.”

when i said it this past week i added–it’s really crazy that these ideas are often seen as crazy! somehow the wild & wacky ways of Jesus in the gospels has gotten so decked-out-with-bells-and-whistles, sanitized, professionalized, leadership-ized and institutionalized that really actually doing what he challenged us to do is seen as somehow radical.

i don’t really think these ideas should be all that radical for Christ-followers, but they often are:

1. putting in-the-flesh relationships first. above programming, gatherings, websites, practicalities, budgets, strategies, and everything else for that matter. Jesus didn’t speak into any of the things we often spend so much energy on. instead, his focus was on people–unplugged, raw, in-the-trenches relationships where we can practice love, grace, kindness, compassion, forgiveness and experience healing and freedom together.

2. a culture of inclusivity & equality. all invited & welcome at the table. all voices heard. all voices matter. men, women, black, white, rich, poor, educated, uneducated, gay, straight, married, single, liberal, conservative, healthy, sick–seeking freedom & hope, together.

3. deferring toward the margins instead of toward resource. over and over Jesus warned us that we couldn’t serve both God & money, yet corporately & individually we constantly make decisions that defer toward resource & power to keep things predictable & comfortable. i do not think deferring toward the marginalized, the oppressed, the fringes, the ones without the resource & power should be a crazy thought for Christians!

4. shared leadership & diffused power over 1-person-at-the-top. it just feels odd to me that as supposed cultivators of the practice of authentic, loving community we’d continue to build structures that put all the power in 1 person.

5. the practice of love valued over knowledge or belief. throughout the gospels Jesus honors people’s active faith over doctrine or dogma. he doesn’t say “before you do this you have to believe x, y, and z or it doesn’t count.” he instead calls us to tangibly love, to sacrifice, to spend our energies on love & not laws.

i am sure there are many more. these are just the 5 that popped into my mind in the moment. what would you add?

* * * * *

ps: i am also very excited about a new book project i’ve been working on called “down we go–living into the wild ways of Jesus” by civitas press, releasing june 1st. this opportunity dropped in my lap late last fall, and i decided to be brave & work at integrating some of what i’ve written here over the past few years into a more comprehensive & practical resource. i’ll keep you posted…meanwhile, thanks for reading & your encouragement & for reminding me i’m not crazy.

meat lovers beware! our taste buds have been contaminated

Posted on Jul 30, 2010 in church stuff, crazy making, fundamentalism, rants | 12 comments

i originally wrote this post for the refuge blog in october 2007. when i was looking at a few old posts this week i stumbled across it and thought i’d repost it because most everyone here has never read it. it’s almost 3 years later and even though i am rarely around people who ask for more meat, i hear it now and then when i intersect with people in passing. they’ll declare, “oh, i really love this pastor because he really gives us meat!” and i always get in my car, chuckle a little bit, and think “um, yeah, sorry, but that’s not what he’s giving you…” enjoy. as always, would love to hear your thoughts!

* * * * *

“i want some meat!”“i wish we could get more meat!”“we really need more meat!”

i know those of you who are struggling to buy groceries are thinking the same thing. but i’m talking about a different kind of meat that has nothing to do with grocery stores but everything to do with church. i have heard the cry for “meat” within the church ever since i became a true-blue evangelical church-going christian. when i entered into a season of spiritual and emotional healing about 14 years ago I remember demanding it myself. things started getting a little intense in my women’s group (people were really sharing honestly from their heart, not holding back, going the distance instead of faking it) and i told my group leader “i really wish we used the Bible more in here, i really want more meat! i really want to grow…” (i am now of course so embarrassed that I said this & after having seen the light a few years later confessed to her for not recognizing then that what we were doing in that little group was far more than just some stupid slab of spiritual meat—it was actually the whole cow!). but i was not alone in this kind of thinking. i hear it all the time, although now it is like nails on a chalkboard to me, maybe even like all of my children’s nails on a chalkboard all at once. and as you all know that is a lot of fingernails!

here’s what i think people mean by “meat.”

1. “Bible knowledge” – as in scripture verses and telling us exactly what they are supposed to mean. the more the better. a little bit of hebrew or greek translation adds the perfect spice.

2. “teaching” – teachers telling people what they think they need to learn or know in a very specific clear way so that we feel like we got a “lesson”, something motivating.

3. “certainty” – these are the facts and we are 100% certain that’s what this means and on top of that we are certain this is what you are supposed to do with this knowledge, too.

4. “a touch of shame” – some kind of moment that gets created when you think “now I’ll try harder….I need to be more godly…I am convicted and now this week I will get rid of that sin for good.”

while none of those things are inherently “wrong” what gets to me about all of them is they are sort of irrelevant to the gospel of Jesus. in fact, he said over and over to the religious leaders who had these 4 things mastered up and down, backwards & forwards, “ummm, guys, you are missing the point. here’s all that you need to do—be like me.” he didn’t say “go to a room, feed your belly with knowledge, get inspired and go home feeling spiritually fat.” he said, “hang out with the outcasts, the losers, the nonreligious, the prostitutues, the sick (oh, and by the way, that means you), get in touch with your brokenness & need for me and practice the way of self-sacrifice, generosity of spirit, humility and love. yes, my friends, this is what will change the world.”

i love the Bible. i think scripture can be transforming. but i also believe we have dismissed that true spiritual maturity is a life of serving others in tangible ways, humbling ourselves to the lowest place, giving up our comfort, money, time, pride for the sake of others. remember, the word of God became flesh, and that is what He did.

i think when we are honest what we really want is to be spoonfed spiritual milk and are terrified of true, tasty, Jesus steaks. most of the people i have been around through the years who demand “meat” are great, sincere believers. but usually their expressed desire for “meat” is actually them running for the safety of others who are more socially acceptable and sound more godly.

you see, the church has contaminated our taste buds. we have been taught to think that “spiritual” must include Bible knowledge, certainty, teaching, a touch of shame (and healing that looks like good behavior) so we keep seeking after it, church after church, Bible study after Bible study. but honestly, what it seems like to me is that people keep learning but never really apply much. we’re lonely but we never connect. we keep slipping in and out of services but never engage with a hurting person beyond “hi, nice to meet you.” we keep going to Bible studies & church meetings & services & prayer times hoping we’ll become more like Jesus and end up insulating ourselves more and more from the very places Jesus always was hanging out.

so here’s my soapbox mantra for the past 5 years or so, everytime I hear someone demand “meat”….“okay, no problem, look around. i see freezer after freezer full of it.”

reach out to someone in need no matter how messy it seems. help the poor. sacrifice your time and money. restore a broken relationship. love the outcast, especially the person that bugs the hell out of you. spend the time you waste watching TV investing in a person, no matter how young or old. stop nagging your spouse and change your behavior. serve someone else. open your home to others. force yourself to do something uncomfortable. get your head around the reality that you’re just as messed up as ‘those people’. humble yourself and let another person into your life. stay in a friendship for the long haul instead of running away.

and here’s what i believe usually happens next—never directly, always subtly—“nah, that kind of meat, i can do without. when does the next Bible study start?”

our taste buds have been contaminated. Jesus’ ways sometimes don’t initially taste too good going down. but for me, i have to say, nothing’s better than the aftertaste– the quiet moments when I notice where God’s spirit worked, what He is teaching me about me, life, humanity in the midst, and the beauty in the ugliness.

i know a lot of people think that at the refuge we are drinking milk. it sure tastes like steak to me.

church refugees part 1 – a video conversation

Posted on Jul 12, 2010 in church stuff, crazy making, video convos | 9 comments

thanks everyone for the comments on my last little rant. it definitely stirred up a little trouble, and it’s so funny that it got linked to an ultra conservative site as an example of an unhappy leftist feminist. ha ha. anyway, i appreciate all of your thoughts & i don’t mind being one of the loud naughty christians who stir up awareness of this issue because it needs stirring. we need reminding that sexism in the church is holding it back from what could be. we need reminding that we all play a part in breaking the chains of oppression for the unrepresented, the marginalized (and i’m not just talking about women) and that things will never change if we keep just leaning into the status quo. i have also yet again been reminded of something that i am pretty sure richard rohr said: the best criticism is to provide a better alternative… (definitely paraphrased but you get the point). even though so many times i think that all of the refuge nuttiness is insignificant in the big scheme of things, these kinds of moments remind me that we need more and more practical, real models where it is actually happening. we all know, theory is one thing; practice is quite another. what i’m seeing up-close-and-personal when it comes to equality in the church is really pretty. and really possible. and i am more than willing to do my little part in helping others try to live it out, too. my hope is over time (and oh is it going to take lot of it) it will become the norm instead of the exception.

over the next two weeks i wanted to share with you 3 video conversations that i recorded a couple of months ago with my-dear-and-wise-friend-on-the-journey phyllis mathis. she is a therapist, life-coach, and has been involved in church leadership in all kinds of shapes and forms for many years. she, like so many others i know, has ended up as a “church refugee”–displaced from “the church” after years and years of giving her life to it. so many of the stories we both intersect with over the course of the work that we do seems to center around church refugees. good, beautiful, people who for all kinds of reasons left all they once knew and are now in the foreign land of church-less-ness, cynicism, and loss. this particular conversation centers in on some of the disillusionment that often comes over “the system” and the realities of the gravitational pull toward margin.

as always, i would love to hear what it stirs up in you.

drinking the company kool-aid

Posted on Jul 6, 2010 in crazy making, equality, ex good christian women, women in ministry | 36 comments

over the past few years of blogging i have tried to learn which conversations to engage in, which ones to stay away from, which websites will make me angry and which ones will feed my soul & challenge me in my faith journey. on the whole, i try not to read a lot of mainstream christian stuff because it turns me into a nutty person. and once in a while i stumble upon something that i just can’t keep quiet about. that’s what happened this past week. i noticed a facebook post from jim henderson about a recent barna survey of christian women. he is writing a book about women & the church. when i read the stats i had to re-read them several times. were these really for real?

here are the results:

1. 84% say that their church’s perspective on women in ministry is almost identical, very similar, or somewhat similar to their own.

2. 83% say that their Senior Pastor is somewhat, highly or completely supportive of women leading in their church

3. 82% say they can tell by their church’s actions that the church values the leadership of women

4. 81% say that their church provides women with the same degree of leadership opportunities as Jesus would.

5. 72% say they possess a lot of spiritual freedom in their life

6. 70% say that the media has little influence on their decision-making

7. 71% say fear is not something they experience ever or often in their life

8. 62% say that ALL leadership roles are open to them in their church.

9. Only 1% say they often struggle with jealousy

10. Among those who feel they are capable of doing more to serve God, and should be doing more, only 4% say that their fear of failure is holding them back from doing more to serve God.

then yesterday my courageous friend & blogger pam hodgeweide wrote a piece in response that rocked the house called happy smiley christian women…really?? please go over to her blog and check it out.

there are so many times in my day-to-day life pastoring the refuge that i never even think about the whole women in ministry issue anymore. i am seeing what life is like for women to be fully equal with men in leadership, to share, to be friends, to be partners in ministry, to pastor freely. honestly, it has become so natural that unless i look out, i forget what a huge deal it is in the average christian church. how most women never have a chance to do what i do even though they have the gifts and desire. how 100% of the time most churches never hear from 50% of the population. how much beauty & talent & wisdom never makes it to the surface because of anatomy & a few scripture verses that get used to validate a whole system of oppression.

but there’s no question, once i look up and out at the reality of women in the typical evangelical-y church system i get really, really sad. and really, really mad. when i read these statistics i honestly thought it was a joke. they are not representative of the majority of women that i know and their experiences. but then i remembered that most of the women i hang out with on a regular basis are, on the whole, no longer drinking the christian company kool-aid.

what do i mean by the company kool-aid?

i mean the things that the system tell us to believe. the things that leaders engrain into the community’s culture. the things that are backed up with “we’re 100% certain this is what God meant.” the subtle and direct messages that “good christians believe this.” the herd mentality that is so strong in any homogenous culture–this is the direction everyone’s going so i better tow the line and walk this way, talk this way, too.

i know what the company kool-aid tastes like because i used to drink it. i used to think that whatever someone told me the Bible said was for sure the right interpretation. i used to assume that the leaders must know more than i do. i used to completely ignore my gut & my brain and just go along with the crowd because that’s what everyone else was doing. i used to be afraid to ask questions or say what i was really thinking & feeling for fear or rejection or judgment. i used to spend a lot of time faking it. i used to settle for the scraps because i thought that was all i was worth.

when you are drinking the company kool-aid it’s hard to see any other way. we stick with the norms and behaviors of the team and support them wholeheartedly. and let’s just be honest–the typical christian church is not teaching or modeling full equality for women. so, all these women know is what they are seeing & being taught. they think this is normal. i love what julie clawson said: “when you don’t see your cage as a prison, you come to love the cage.” i completely and totally relate to this statement. my views have shifted radically over the past years as my eyes & personal experience have been more opened to just how real and insidious gender inequality really is. when you stop drinking the company kool-aid and start listening to other stories and getting more in touch with your own, so many things that seemed “normal” begin to be completely ridiculous.

i am not going to pick apart these statistics one by one, but i’ll say this: look at #9 and #10 first. to me, that says it all. if only 1% are willing to admit that they often struggle with jealousy and only 4% say that fear of failure holds them back, something is seriously skewed about these results. and they are seriously hooked on the company kool-aid.

what’s most sad to me is that the company kool-aid is so inconsistent with the freedom that Jesus was supposed to bring. i just can’t for the life of me think that what we see in the Body of Christ when it comes to gender equality was what Jesus had in mind. it just feels radically different from the stories he told, the actions he modeled, the truths that he shared.

oh how i hope that more and more people stop drinking the kool-aid and start opening themselves up to some other possibilities. but i also respect that it is so hard to do “when everyone’s drinking it.” i think it’s a little like an alcoholic who starts to get sober. it’s so painful at the beginning, brutally hard to face reality and break out of denial. it’s lonely and scary. they often have to make a new circle of friends. but day-by-day they learn that there’s more and more life to be lived that they never knew existed when stuck in the addiction. recovering addicts are the bravest people i know. and recovering church addicts-who-stopped-drinking-the-company-kool-aid are in the same line when it comes to courage. it takes a lot of guts to give it up.

i’ll take the clean, refreshing, pure, simple, free living water Jesus brings over the company kool-aid any day. i wish that barna would re-do this study and interview some “sober” women and see what they found.

i‘d really love to hear some of your thoughts on these statistics, some of your experience with drinking the company kool-aid, and what your journey’s been like when you started to get “sober.”

ps: there are some really good comments over at the off the map post where jim originally posted these stats.

ppss: i wanted to share a new addition to reflection on these stats from sonja andrews–shiny happy women. her reflections are very powerful. another great piece is from my friend erin word called the evil of being female? or why owning breasts should fall under the ‘christian disabilities act‘ (best title ever!)