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Posted on Mar 12, 2013 in crazy making, synchroblog | 30 comments

what do we want to be known for?

jesus and gun picture

today is the march synchroblog, centered on guns & God.  yikes, it’s a tricky topic with so many strong emotions, but i have faith that we can have a kind and respectful conversation. it’s a way to practice listening and let others be where they are at without feeling the need to convince differently. i have written several very clear-here’s-where-i-stand-today synchroblog posts in the past on issues of health care reform & immigration & marriage equality as part of past synchroblogs.  i have shared openly about the paradoxical conflict i feel about abortion, where it’s so much harder to take one side or the other because of the complexity of the issue.

my feelings about guns are similar. while i have strong feelings against personal guns (except for hunting or sport), i do believe in people’s rights to have one. i do not think stricter gun control laws will necessarily keep guns out of the hands of the bad guys, but i think it might help them not be quite so easily accessible. i also understand that many feel passionately about being able to protect themselves or their families (i do struggle with having guns to protect our “stuff”, that just feels extra jacked-up to me as christ-followers). i am not a pure pacifist and believe that unfortunately, because of human nature’s bent toward power, we have to have a military.

but for jose and i, we have made a conscious decision not to have guns in our home.

they do not make me feel safer. in fact, it feels just the opposite.

while there are countless angles on the issue of guns & God, here’s what rises to the surface for me whenever i think about it:   i don’t think christians & guns should be so intimately connected. 

so much of the passion about guns seems to involve fear–fear of the other, fear of the government.  didn’t Jesus invite us over and over again to be not afraid?

it’s also wild to me, really, how passionate some christians are about certain topics that i find hard to see as Jesus’ top concerns.

it really makes me wonder about much more than guns.

do we want to be known as people who tirelessly fight to keep guns in their houses or would we rather be known as people who tirelessly help the homeless find housing?

do we want to be known as people who picket abortion clinics and yell online about it or people who care for the mothers who decide to raise their babies or place them with a family who can?

do we want to be known as people who take up arms & throw stones or people who heal wounds and stand between the stone-throwers and the ones about to be stoned?

do we want to be known as people who point out sin and spend countless hours & millions of dollars fighting against homosexuality or  people who freely, wildly, and passionately love people’s hearts no matter what.

do we want to be known as people who don’t value women properly and keep them stuck, oppressed, silenced or people who set women free to be all they were created to be?

do we want to be known as people who hold on to things tightly, with clenched fists and tight grips or people who hold things loosely, with open hands and light touches?

do we want to be known as people who bully or people who stand up for the one being bullied?

do we want to be known as people of fear or people of faith?

of course i do not think that any of these are either/or.  life is far more of a paradox.  and i’m certainly not saying that if we believe in guns that we aren’t also doing these things.  

but i use this strong language to make a point when it comes to this issue of guns and God.

do we really want to be known for this?

* * * * *

other bloggers writing about this today (i’ll post more links as they come in):

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Posted on Jan 22, 2013 in crazy making, equality, injustice, leadership, women in ministry | 34 comments

“i just feel like i’m one of the guys” and other subtleties working against equality

blog i'm just one of the guys

last week i read a post on a friend’s facebook page about the emergence christianity gathering in memphis. i wasn’t there so i can’t speak into anything that happened there, but she made an interesting observation that caught my eye.  when addressed with a question about gender inequality in emergence christianity, several of the female speakers responded with “well, i don’t feel unequal, i feel like i’m just one of the guys.”

i know some women who have made it very far in their craft and passion and are sought after as female speakers and leaders in certain circles. i have deep respect for how far they have come and love that their voice is being heard.

but this kind of statement makes me feel really sad because it tells a story that reflects reality for so many–the guys have the power and for the women to play they must learn how to blend into them.

it also reflects that when women have “made it” they sometimes forget there are a lot of others who haven’t.  and really won’t unless there is deep healing in the roots of many of our systems and structures.

i know how to hang with the guys and have said the exact same statement before. i have been on many teams over time where i am the only woman, far before i was involved in christian ministry. when i graduated from college i was an engineer for the phone company as part of a management fast-track (yes, imagine me, the one who never had a math class in college or graduate school trying to design engineering plans for phone cables in new neighborhoods & buildings). i was the only woman on a team of good old phone company boys, and they treated me so well and i did feel part in a lot of ways. but i was kind of like their daughter, not their equal.  later, after i had kids & got more involved as a lay leader at several churches, i intersected all the time with the guys. and as much as they wanted what i had to bring, they were the ones who controlled the table; no women were part of the real inner circle. years later, when i finally made it to senior leadership in a big church and ended up being the only female pastor on a team of men, i learned how to be more comfortable in my own skin with them.

but the reality was that to play, i’d have to adjust to them, pick up on their cues, listen to their jokes, blend into their culture.

yeah, i am more clear than ever that i don’t want to “just feel like one of the guys.”

i want to feel connected fully & freely as people trying to work together, dream together, collaborate together, live together, learn together, love together, as equals and as friends.

i know so many guys are working so hard at creating greater inclusivity when it comes to gender & race & sexuality & a whole bunch of other things. i am grateful, and i know it’s so easy to have white men in a double bind; no matter what they do it’s not good enough.  and i know so many women are doing the best to step up to the plate and can’t be held to every word they share or don’t share.

but part of our responsibility is to never dismiss gender inequality (or any other kind) for others.  even if it’s not an issue for some, it is an incredibly painful and real issue for countless others. being dismissive about it and saying “well, i just don’t feel it” is a way of making it seem like it doesn’t exist.

and it does.

but it’s easier to pretend it doesn’t and that we’ve come further than we really have and play with people who won’t rock the boat too much.

what it often boils down is power continuing to attract the same kind of power with a different twist of a few strong women who know how to be “one of the guys.”

i think our best hope is to be brave enough to create completely new wineskins.

we keep trying to pour new wine into old wineskins and that’s why it all tastes so bad.

instead, we need flatter structures, shared leadership, teams of equals–men & women & black & white & rich & poor & gay & straight & liberal & conservative & married & single & educated & uneducated & extroverts & introverts–around bigger tables, in living rooms & coffee shops (instead of golf courses & seminaries), who are planning events, cultivating communities, and leading initiatives together side-by-side in all kinds of creative ways.

we need to throw away the old template of a bunch of guys with power inviting a select few into their select group to maintain their select culture and start creating a new story together.

a story of innovation, where we don’t rely on the way it’s always been and start making something new.

a story of equality, where we learn how to be together as friends and partners and teammates, not commodities.

a story of healing, where we are actively restoring the brokenness so many have as it relates to being included & valued.

a story of dignity, where we are participating in stepping into the full image of God in us and calling it out in others.

a story of humility, where our goals aren’t centered on money or success in the world’s eyes but on caring for others, relationships, and fanning others freedom into flame.

a story of justice, where we bring a little taste of heaven to earth, here, now.

please, let’s stop saying “we let women lead” and “i just feel like one of the guys” and start living out a new story, together.

it’s time.

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Posted on Aug 27, 2012 in crazy making, equality, injustice, women in ministry | 48 comments

5 nonviolent ways we can help win the war against women

Love and Warlast week was a big week for me; after sending our oldest son back to college the week before, we took our daughter to start her freshman year in college in new york city, got our twins started in middle school, and sent our #3 off to florida for a football team adventure.  to top if it off, i officiated a dear & beautiful friend’s wedding and that’s not counting regular refuge nuttiness.  i’m tired but grateful. i miss my daughter terribly already, but i am excited for all that is ahead of her. she definitely makes me want to advocate even more strongly on behalf of change for women in this broken, weird world.

in the midst the whirlwind, i read the disturbing reports of senator akin’s remarks about “legitimate rape.”  honestly, i had to compartmentalize because i didn’t have the emotional margin to even give it a glance.

now the dust has settled and the feelings have swept in.  mainly, i’m disgusted.  not so much just about his comments; his are just one of many totally lame things that people in power actually believe.

the reason i’m most bummed is how these moments point to us as christians;  we have been such terrible examples of a better way.  seriously, we are known for our sexism, inequality, judgment, and exclusiveness instead of for our love.

Jesus is supposed to be about setting people free, not locking them up. loving people in their fullness, not slighting half of creation.

and we are supposed to be liberators, not oppressors.

we are called to be advocates, incarnations of God’s love & hope instead of examples of how-not-to-act.

we who follow Jesus should be the ones on the front-lines battling on behalf of women in the world and instead we are too often the ones metaphorically shooting them down & putting them in POW camps.

i don’t like the language of war or talking about fighting on our own strength.  but i do think we are supposed to follow Jesus’ lead and be people of justice and mercy–kind & clear & willing to pay a cost for what’s right.

here are some non-violent ways we can begin to win the war on women. these are not for men but for all of us:

1. empower a woman in any way you can.  promote her.  educate her.  ordain her.  ask her.  listen to her.  invite her.  encourage her.  use any influence you have on another women’s behalf.  i think of what mother teresa says–if you can’t feed 100 people, just feed one.  in the same vein, if you can’t empower 100 women, just empower one.   once empowered, women have exponential influence to change the course of their families, organizations, communities, the world.

2.  tangibly support a community agency that advocates for women.  while we are spending time picking apart Bible passages on whether a woman can teach or lead, these agencies are actively and passionately advocating for women–helping them get restraining orders against their abusive partners, assisting them in finding housing, providing counseling and support to empower them to claim their dignity, offering all kinds of other support for education and change.  their needs are great.  these soldiers on the front lines always need resources & volunteers & professional services & basic practical help for women.

3.  embody respect, dignity, and value of women.  i love what brennan manning says–if you want to know what a person believes, watch what they do.  men need to tangibly value women and women need to tangibly value women.  and others need to see this so they can be inspired, too.  this means not using, stereotyping, sexualizing, ignoring, dismissing, and disrespecting them, but with humility and love treating them for what they are–God’s valued and treasured creation. this is part of being salt & light.

4.  actively participate in shifting power structures.  in the workplace, in the church, in families, the best thing we can do on behalf of women is work to have them fully included in places of influence.  our government & corporations & structures-of-almost-every-place-of-power are clearly not reflective of the demographics of this world.  we each can play a part in changing that by actively inviting women to the table, voting them in, educating and equipping them, and sharing leadership with them.

5.  stop supporting churches (or organizations) that do not offer full equality for women.  yes, i have to say it.  the church is supposed to be the free-est place in town, one that empowers & heals & unleashes. we are called to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth, not perpetuate the imbalanced ways of the world.  i firmly believe in gandhi’s admonition–when we are silent, we stand on the side of the oppressor. i’m not trying to convince those who firmly believe in male headship; i’m talking to those who believe in equality & are tired of the ways women are second-class citizens in the church yet still give time & money & energy supporting systems that perpetuate this because it feels like there aren’t other options.  i know it’s scary & hard & often a big loss, but with enough “we’re-done-with-this”, new kinds will form over time that are inclusive and honor women’s full dignity and value properly. we’ve got to start voting with our feet.

i have no doubt that we can participate in shifting the tide of history & these deep oppressive grooves of patriarchy.  we can actively & earnestly pave a better way for our daughters & sons.  we can be empowered by the spirit of God to create something better without becoming ugly-and-mean-right-back.    

 

 

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Posted on Jun 29, 2012 in church stuff, crazy making, incarnational, the refuge | 57 comments

why the word “missional” bugs me.

blog why i don't like the word missionali know the word “missional” is popular in a lot of christian circles these days.  it has gained traction as churches are attempting to become more outwardly focused.  now, there are all kinds of groups, networks, ministry initiatives, new book lines, and other programs dedicated to challenging the church to become more “missional.”

even though i’m glad the winds are shifting in this direction, i’m still not crazy about the word.  the truth is, i’ve never liked it, even though i use it in certain wider contexts.  in fact, a few months ago i was facilitating a learning group around down we go, sharing why i don’t like the word “missional”.  as i was talking, i turned the book over and right there in big bold letters on the back cover it said “creating missional community.”

yes, i’m well aware i am a hypocrite sometimes!  it was definitely ironic, but we had a good laugh over it.

i get that it’s a word that makes sense to a lot of people, and language helps us.  but just because i use it sometimes as part of shared context doesn’t mean i have to like it!

a few weeks ago we had a youth “mission” team come from indiana to serve and learn at the refuge (i would have preferred the word “learning team” because that was a better descriptor).  regardless of semantics, their eyes were opened to pain & poverty in the suburbs; it was a very interesting and good week.  my favorite part was an evening we facilitated a justice panel, where 4 friends from the refuge shared their stories about mental illness, addiction, poverty, loneliness, low self-worth, divorce, and a whole host of other real issues they face.  they knocked it out of the park describing what life was like and sharing what they are learning through loving community.

it was so beautiful.  holy.  powerful.  redeeming.

and exactly what this visiting team needed to hear–the difference between being someone’s mission and being someone’s friend. 

in so many contexts, my friends would be considered someone’s “mission” instead of a friend. a project instead of a person.  a person to change instead of a person to love and learn from.  a person that follows instead of a person that leads.  a person who is used to having their dignity stripped, not restored.      

they articulated in such clear beautiful ways that God reveals himself through others, how Jesus-with-skin-on has made a difference.

their stories reminded me why i am not crazy about the the word “missional”.

here are some reasons why:

  • it feels pretty cruddy to be someone’s “mission”.  seriously.
  • it often tends to be one-way.  there’s a focus on giving and serving (which are obviously good) but it can also be used as a protection from relationship & connection & equality. we must practice receiving, too, and that’s usually harder than giving.
  • it keeps power protected.  those who have it keep it, and those without it never fully do.  issues of power have damaged many, and in the kingdom of God we need to do what we can to keep intentionally breaking down power differentials.
  • the main people talking & writing & coordinating conferences about “missional” are white, educated people with margin. i fall into this category, too, so i’m not just pointing the finger.  we are making progress on new voices from the margins in terms of homosexuality & women, but the truth is poor people aren’t influencing change the way that they could be because they never sit at the tables where changes get made. these are the voices we need to hear from! but that’s too much of a mind-bender in a system bent toward privilege & power.
  • we can hide behind mission and never learn to love.  real love, real relationship, real connection is hard work.  both mission and love require sacrifice and time, but love requires a whole other level of vulnerability, the kind most of us are afraid of, but the kind i believe Jesus calls us to.

so those are a few of the reasons off the top of my head why the word kind of bugs me.

i realize it’s not really fair to critique an alternative.  i do sometimes use “incarnational” instead because it really is about Jesus-with-skin-on.  however, similar to “missional”, it only makes sense in the inner-circles of christianity.

the more i reflect on the wisdom shared on the panel and what i keep learning in the muck and mire of life connected to the refuge, the word that best describes this crazy beautiful path God calls us to is also the simplest one–love.

isn’t love what we’re supposed to be known for? 

isn’t love what Jesus embodied and empowers us to reflect? 

isn’t love enough?     

i wonder if maybe love is the scariest thing of all. 

mission, that’s in our control. 

messy, raw, sacrificial, tangible, long-haul love, now that’s dangerous.

i don’t think a lot of people are sitting around waiting to be someone’s “mission”.

but i do think there are a lot of people hoping to be loved & love others, to have friends and be a friend, to be connected to a little pocket of love that could bring hope & life & dignity & joy & peace in all kinds of wild and mysterious ways. 

yeah, i like the word love instead of mission.

 

 

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Posted on Jun 25, 2012 in crazy making, ex good christian women, healing, identity, just because i thought it was fun | 57 comments

breastfeeding hurts & other things we need to be more honest about.

blog breastfeeding hurts* i wrote this post in march and never got around to posting it (i do that a lot).  it was after a conversation with an awesome mommy & ministry leader who told me how hard it was to juggle being a mom and leading at the same time.   in her mind, she kept falling short.  in my mind, like so many others of us, we just haven’t had enough safe spaces for reality.  

* * * * *

anyone who tells a new mom, “oh, breastfeeding is easy, it doesn’t hurt at all” is a liar.

let’s be honest, it hurts at first.  there’s no way around it.  when i had my first baby 20 years ago i remember people around me spouting the joys of it.  and not one person told me how bad it was going to hurt.  they only told me all the reasons why it was so great.

i agreed with them; it’s awesome. i’m definitely pro breast-feeding.

but i wish they had been more honest because it hurt like hell for the first few weeks.

it shouldn’t have been a stretch for a seasoned mom ahead of me to just say: “listen, this is really a big sacrifice, it’s going to be hard, it’s going to hurt, but hang in there and over time, it will get easier.”

that’s not asking too much.  but it’s often how it works.

i usually don’t talk about breastfeeding on my blog, but what i do like to talk about is honesty.  and i think what’s lacking in so many circles–especially christian ones–is the lack of honesty when it comes to many things. 

we sugar-coat, we avoid, we over-spiritualize and over-simplify, and we do a really big disservice to people who just need safe places to talk about the truth. 

we need to talk about stuff like:

how many of us are always comparing ourselves to someone better, stronger, wiser, more-this-or-more-that than us in work & play & school, and how draining that can be.  so many of us live with the sucky feeling of being too much or not enough but with no safe place to talk about it.

sex is weird.  and that most of us didn’t have good conversations about it when we needed to and are left to figure out all kinds of things related to it on our own.  it’s not going so well for a whole helluva of a lot of people.

having kids will always mean that we don’t get to do some of what we want to.  there’s a damaging myth that with the right balance of body-mind-soul-spirit we can pull off everything we want to do.  that if we try harder, pray more, shift our schedule, go to sleep later (or earlier), that we can make it all happen.  we can’t.  being responsible for little people (who then grow into bigger people who still need us) will always mean some of what we want is impossible.

shame and it’s hold on us.  how often we feel it and don’t know what the $*#&$^!@! to do with it because we think we’re the only one.

how terrifying doubt really is.  what it feels like when we wake up one morning and wonder if we’re really an atheist. or what it’s like when things-about-God that felt so sure now are like sinking sand and we aren’t sure who or what to believe anymore.

and how scary dreaming really is.  how when other people start talking about their dreams it freaks us out and we wonder if we’ll ever be brave enough to try what we long to do. how we get jealous & scared & mad at God for not making dreams come easier.

that feeling stuck is common.  so many of us are stuck in hard jobs, tough marriages, weird churches, unsatisfying professions, and a long list of other things that leave us longing for change but silently convinced that it might not ever happen.

these were not things that i was taught in most of my church experiences.  while i was being fed things like “pray more, believe more, serve more” these thoughts were  rattling around in my head & heart.  i was fortunate enough to become part of a safe women’s group when my kids were very little that opened the door to these kinds of conversations and since then have been able to be part of little pockets of safety where these conversations are possible.

but the more i talk to others, the more i wrestle with the crazy stuff always swirling around in my head, the more convinced i am that we need to work harder at  figuring out ways to be more brutally honest about these things.

to have safe spaces to talk about them.

to be with others who are asking the same questions and wrestling with the same things.

to gather hope that we’re not alone.

that’s why we need more safe communities, people gathered in all kinds of shapes & sizes, where we talk about things that need talking about.  where we are not afraid to say hard things out loud.  where we download the crazy stuff in our head and learn we’re not that crazy after all.

where we don’t pretend breastfeeding doesn’t hurt.

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Posted on Jun 19, 2012 in church stuff, crazy making, identity | 23 comments

our fatal attraction

blog fatal attractionmy husband jose has a theory about people.  he says that in some weird ways, “we’re always going back to our abusive dads, trying to please them.” he doesn’t mean this in a literal sense (although it’s true for some), but rather that human beings are strangely drawn toward being mistreated.  that we live our lives from a place of shame, not freedom.  that we somehow like to be mistreated.  that like a moth to a flame, we often go back for abuse & control & power, subtly or directly.

a pro-bono lawyer for domestic violence victims at a christian legal aid clinic, he sees this a lot.  i have journeyed with many people over the years trying to leave abusive relationships and unhealthy churches so unfortunately i have often seen it, too– this sad and painful pattern of continually returning to bondage instead of walking toward freedom. i can’t tell you the number of times i have cried over women who have gone back, yet again, after coming close to leaving an abusive relationship.  or the number of times jose has started cases only to drop them when the men started being “nice” for a while.

i also can’t tell you the number of people i know who week after week, year after year, sit under unhealthy, controlling, shame-based christian teaching from charming evangelical pastors with charisma.

it leads me to believe what i suspect has always been the case related to humanity & religion.

it’s easier to default toward bondage than freedom.

i will go so far to say that we have a fatal attraction toward control & power (not a crazy-boil-bunnies-fatal-attraction, but a propensity to keep going back to what’s not good for our souls).

we like leaders who kick ass & take names, who tell us what to do and what to believe, who set the record straight and speak for God, who use shame to motivate, who keep us in line.

we want kings to rule over us.

we prefer the outward appearance of real strength to humility.

we choose charisma over integrity.

we repeat bad relationships instead of learning how to create good ones.  

i know of many pastors who get away with mistreating folks but are amazing communicators; throngs of people aren’t willing to give up their hour fix on sunday for someone less “powerful”.  i also know many women who are being mistreated by their partners but never leave because they think it’s normal or what they deserve or “if only i would…then maybe he wouldn’t…” or that they don’t have any other better options.

the human psyche is interesting.  because many of us have such a low view of ourselves (self-hatred & low self-worth is pervasive and so dangerous, both in and out of the church), we allow ourselves to stay stuck.  it’s tempting to give our power away to an institution (to carry it for us) rather than working through it ourselves.

there are many reasons for our false attractions–our family histories & life experiences, deeply grooved social systems that falsely define our value, and emotional & spiritual baggage we carry. unfortunately, churches tend to perpetuate this in the worst possible sense, giving people what we want (what’s familiar & comfortable even though it’s controlled & limited) instead what our souls really need (freedom, real freedom).

when i reflect on the scriptures, especially matthew 23,  Jesus does some serious calling out of the pharisees and ways they enslaved people through religion. honestly, i am reminded of how little things have changed from 2,000 years ago.

at the end of matthew 23 he reminds them that they always kill prophets, people who call out truth.  then he says something i think about a lot, “how often i have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let me” (v. 37).

“but you wouldn’t let me.”

freedom is scary.

i know it has been for me.  to come out from underneath a system that controlled me has been terrifying. to let my husband really love me has been the work of my life.  to see myself as an equal instead of underneath others or unworthy of respect has been hard.  to soak in the truth of how big and not-controlling-or-shaming God is has been a long and difficult process.

many of us don’t believe we deserve a healthy relationship where we are treated well, with dignity and respect. or someone who believes in us. or a vocation or passion that makes our heart come alive. or friends that aren’t just takers.  or a God that lavishly loves us.

we settle for crumbs.

so many of us have shifted our unhealthy attractions (yes!)–in churches & in other relationships.  we are discovering we are worthy of love & connection & freedom & dignity & passion & purpose.

but i know so many others still there.  who prefer macho over humility, easy answers over reality, and comfort over freedom.  who give time and hearts to people & places who subtly or directly mistreat them and use the name of God or their power to keep others contained.

it makes me sad.  and mad.  i think it’s supposed to.

God, may we let you gather us up and help us believe we are worthy of good things, of love, of freedom.  that we deserve better than we think we do.

 

 

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