a view from the margins
poverty.
i just started reading an interesting book by ruby payne called a framework for understanding poverty. i had never read it before, although i’ve heard many good things about it from some different friends who work with friends in hard places. it is very interesting. i was thinking, too, that some material that really needs to be written is a book about understanding poverty by people living in poverty.
i am always reminded, too, that the idea of descent & downward living is not solely connected to economics. it is also a matter of the heart, where our treasure lies, where we spend our time & energy, what direction we are walking. father richard rohr calls it “falling upward” & henri nouwen calls it “downward mobility.”
the more i intersect with suburban poverty (there’s more of it than we know), the more convinced i am that we must find ways to break the cycle. the goal, however, cannot be all about just becoming middle class & getting stuck in that cycle of living for money, success, & comfort.
one of the parts that really resonated with me in dr. payne’s material were the “hidden rules” of the different classes. she says that hidden rules are “the unspoken cues and habits of a group”. it is very hard to understand the rules in groups that we are not in. what is the norm for people in one group is not even on the radar for people in another.
the more we can learn and understand from each other, the better. the problem is that for the most part, everyone stays in their own groups & cultures, with little to no real cross-over and meaningful relationship.
one of my favorite things i’ve read so far is that she says that the way out of poverty is through education and relationships.
the way out of poverty is through education and relationships.
this is not a new idea, but a good reminder that those are the two things we need to put time and energy into if we hope for real change.
she also highlights the difference between generational poverty (two generations or more) and situational poverty (caused by a circumstance). we need to understand just how many people we intersect with who through divorce, death, mental or physical illness and a whole other range of issues, find themselves in poverty because of their circumstance.
anyway, here’s a little quiz she has for the three classes (p. 38-40). i didn’t do every single question for the sake of brevity but i thought you might find it interesting. remember, this is poverty in the US, not third world countries, and some of the questions are guaranteed to annoy you. she uses it to set the stage for hidden rules.
- could you survive in poverty?
1. i know which churches and sections of town have the best rummage sales [i would add: "and food banks and thrift stores"]
2. i know which grocery stores’ garbage bins can be accessed for throw-away food.
3. i know how to get someone out of jail.
4. i know how to physically fight and defend myself physically
5. i know how to keep my clothes from being stolen at the laundromat.
6. i know what problems to look for in a used car [i'd add "and keep a worn out car going with cheap repairs done by myself or a friend"]
7. i know how to live without a checking account.
8. i know how to live without electricity and a phone.
9. i know how to use a knife as scissors.
10. i know what to do when i don’t have money to pay the bill
11. i know how to get and use food stamps or an electronic card for benefits.
12. i know where the free medical clinics are.
13. i am very good at trading and bartering.
14. i can get by without a car.
- could you survive in the middle class?
1. i know how to get my children into little league, piano lessons, soccer, etc.
2. i know how to properly set a table.
3. i know which stores are most likely to carry the clothing brands my family wears.
4. my children know the best name brands in clothing.
5. i know how to order in a nice restaurant.
6. i know how to use a credit card, checking account and savings account–and….term life insurance, disability insurance, a 20/80 medical insurance policy…house insurance.
7. i talk to my children about going to college.
8. i know how to get one of the best interest rates on my new car loan.
9. i understand the difference among the principle, interest, and escrow statements on my house payment.
10. i know how to help my children with their homework and do not hesitate to call the school if i need additional information.
11. i know how to decorate the house for the different holidays.
12. i know how to get a library card.
13. i know to use most of the tools in the garage.
14. i repair items in my house almost immediately when they break–or know a repair service and call (insert)
- could you survive in wealth?
1. i can read a menu in french, english, and another language.
2. i have several favorite restaurants in different countries of the world.
3. during the holidays i knowhow to hire a decorator to identify appropriate themes and items with which to decorate the house.
4. i know who my preferred financial advisor, legal service…domestic-employment service, and hairdresser are.
5. i have at least two residences that are staffed and maintained.
6. i know how to ensure confidentiality and loyalty from my domestic staff.
7. i have at least two or three “screens” that keep people whom i do not wish to see away from me.
8. i fly in my own plane or the company plane.
9. i know how to enroll my children in the preferred private schools.
10. i know how to host parties that “key” people attend.
11. i am on the boards of at least two charities.
12. i support or buy the work of a particular artist.
13. i know how to read a corporate financial statement and analyze my own financial statements.
well, i can definitely survive in the middle class. what’s interesting is that i have learned some of these things over time and from being around others who knew how to do it. growing up with a single mom for different chunks of years we had seasons where we definitely lived at the poverty line financially, but it was more situational poverty than generational poverty. education shifted that over time with each of my siblings & my mom, too, all getting our college educations in different ways. on the poverty quiz, because of the last few years of journeying with friends on the margins, i have #3, 11, and 12 down, but the reality is that i have never had to live there as a grown-up. on the wealthy side, i’m thinking that #7 should be put over on the middle class side in a section called “for suburban megachurch lead pastors only”, ha ha, sorry, it just made me laugh.
honestly, though, the only reason i shared this here is so that those who aren’t there can continue to learn and respect what life in poverty might include. and that poverty has nothing to do with living on the streets. many of my friends who live below the poverty line look just like everyone else & are stuck in a cycle that only education and/or relationships can really change.
i’d love to hear some of your reactions & thoughts.
* * * * *
a few other things to toss out there:
- i had already written this post when i came across this post about poverty from alan knox–how does the church respond to poverty. it is the powerful story from a woman about situational poverty. it’s really worth reading.
- check out this recycle your faith video--sacred everyday life–of my friends carol & kate bradsen & what they are learning through their intentional community in tucson. i think this can be a beautiful way out of poverty, too. i know a lot of people who can afford to pay a portion of the bills but trying to pay them all on their own is sinking them.
- also, my friend jonathan brink from civitas press edited a diverse compilation of stories called the practice of love, centered around loving God, our neighbors, ourselves, our enemies. i have a couple of pieces in it & so do some other dear friends of mine. out may 1st, you can preorder now.
- christine sine always hosts a good synchroblog during advent & lent. this year’s lent topic is what difference does Jesus make? there are alot of great posts to check out. my contribution is up this week & is called humility.
- the inhabit conference, hosted by parish collective & transFORM network & mars hill graduate school, is at the end of this month in seattle. registration info is on the site. i’m looking forward to being part & learning a lot from everyone there. let me know if you’re planning on going, would love to connect.
last view from the margins: brown in a white world
well, my friends, we have come to the end of february & this 8 post series on a view from the margins. i have really enjoyed everyone’s perspectives and all of the comments & emails in response. it’s time to take a little break and shift gears (i am going to be writing about some lent season reflections as part of christine sine’s synchroblog over the course of the next month, plus a few other thoughts that have been swirling around during my blog break). i also know that some other interviews need to be shared. i have some really good ones in the queue: people’s stories about what life is like as a cutter, native american, former abuser, church exile, and a married couple living with domestic poverty & mental illness. so just look out for them now & then in the upcoming months. for now, though, i wanted to wrap this series with a perspective on what it is like to be in the “minority”, brown in a white world.
i am as white as white can be. blond hair (well, at least it used to be!), blue eyes. i have an instant benefit of white privilege. there are doors open for me that remain locked shut for some of my friends whose skin is a different color. my husband is brown. as brown as brown can be. black hair. brown eyes. his family speaks english when they need to but only spanish at home. over the course of our 22 years together i’ve heard people talk about how “jose only got hired by united airlines because he’s hispanic and they had to meet their minority quota”, that “he’s pretty good looking for a mexican,” and that somehow his family measures up to their expectations because “at least they came to this country legally.” years ago, my daughter had someone in kindergarten ask her “why is your skin so brown?” (she responded with “because my daddy’s black and God loves people who are all colors of the rainbow”).
as much as our country has come a long way in terms of racial restoration, we all know we have a lot further to go. and no matter how we slice it up, in most churches, the lack of diversity is so present. sadly, on the whole, whites stay with whites and browns stay with browns. we have a tendency to stick with people who are like us so that we feel more comfortable. cultural & power differences a lot of time keep us fairly segregated. when we try to be together, because of the emphasis on power in a lot of christian communities, it only makes sense that the least powerful, marginalized, typically discriminated against wouldn’t get a lot of air time. let’s face it, pastors typically aren’t golfing with the young hispanic father of four who works 3 jobs to feed his family.
in the kingdom of God skin color, race, gender, socioeconomics are not valued one above another. there is so much to be said about this issue, but i thought i’d give you just a little glimpse into some perspectives from my friend “alex,” a dear friend and brother on the journey, who is hispanic, deeply dedicated to incarnational ministry, a philosopher & theologian, and knows what it likes to be marginalized because of the color of his skin.
share a little of your background, what kind of family you came from, what your experience being in a hispanic family was like.
My parents were Mexican immigrants that came to the U.S. to work and live. I was the last of 4 children and it was difficult for us as children trying to figure out what role we fit in more with…Mexicans or Mexican-Americans, two very different cultures often at odds with each other, mostly due to issues related with identity, culture, and assimilation of the two within the American context.
can you think of the first time you noticed being somehow marginalized, thought less of, discriminated against, because of the color of your skin? what did that look like, feel like?
My parents had a Spanish speaking church that met in the building of an English-speaking church (mostly Caucasians) and I recall life feeling like we got the leftovers…as a result, I became more conscious as to the fact that the people who had the leftovers were all darker skinned. I started to take notice of my skin color as a factor in how I experienced life. From then on, I could never get away from noticing that we lived in a racialized society, meaning that in America we are profoundly aware of race and sometimes that can be a good thing, but often growing up it was not.
when you look out at the big bad power structures that are out there, in the world, in the church, what do you see? where does it seem like those systems leave you?
I understand that the Western spirit has been a major driving factor in what we’ve come to know about human civilizations and cultures. Even though the Eastern spirit has had it’s own story, I feel like the West has made a significant impact on both the West and East. In that I notice three things: 1.) It feels like it’s still a white world, meaning that most of the powers and structures are dominated by non-dark-skinned peoples worldwide; that leaves me feeling like I’m always subject to their good or bad deeds, their willingness to impart on me either favor or discrimination. 2.) Subsequently, in light of this, many non-white power structures are influenced by the examples of their oppressors and as a result, people of color who rise from the bottom tend to mimic such forms of domination and abuse of power that has been used to oppress them. 3.) To demonize those in power, even those who abuse power, continually perpetuates a cycle of abuse with victims and victimizers.
As a result, it feels like all those systems leave me..us..the church..humanity.. disoriented. The norms we have accepted to be our everyday lives as individuals and as a community are in direct tension with what is at the center of our created being, the Image of God which we ALL carry; reconciling this tension is really hard. For me, all these systems in the church, the world leave me feeling the need to lament…and also hope.
why do you think diversity is so difficult to create in churches?
Perhaps because people want to act like nothing is wrong. On the one hand we desire to acknowledge that at our human soul level we are far more similar than we are different. We want to acknowledge our hearts and minds as God’s people rather than our color and cultures. However, it also our color and cultures that makes us who we are, and provides us with the context for everything we are to become, which has more to do with what makes us different than what makes us similar. As that is the case, both everything is wrong and everything is right when it comes to the issue of race, ethnicity, and culture . Eventually what people choose to do is to abstain from the natural tension that is at the core of “loving one another.” I am personally confused to be quite honest, because this task of embracing our differences is so volatile, mostly because there are deep wounds attached to diversity in any realm of the conversation, not simply race, but gender orientation, and other people’s passionate views on church and ministry. And even though it’s volatile, I believe our differences can be so powerful and transformoative. To do the hard work needed for our collected efforts towards unity feels sometimes unattainable. While that confuses me, and pains me much, I hope to continue to explore diversity in ways that change the way I see others.
what do you think of obama being elected? what do you think this might mean for “the church”, if anything?
I love that he was elected…for a couple of reasons. 1) There is something symbolic and powerful about elected a person of color to the highest office in our nation. I can’t tell you how many dreams and ideas of promise this one experience has dramatically impacted the aspirations of children of various ethnic groups…both nationally and globally. 2) I feel like Obama understands that we are not simply transitioning from one Presidency to another, but rather that as a civilization we are moving from a modern peoples to a postmodern peoples. As such, I sense that he leans into that transition in ways that are timely, needed, and will prove to be impactful for our nations. On the same token I lament what the election revealed to me, which was that many Mexicans/Mexican-Americans did not desire to support Obama for differences of ideas, but for differences of race. There were many conversations I had with people of my culture that had hoped for a Mexican-American to be the first President of color to be elected. There are some deep wounds still among the races. I lament that just like Americans nationally, the church is also very split on the election of the President, and as a result of this, many good Christians fail to celebrate with people of color the symbolic significance that this even has ushered our collectives lives into. I don’t feel it will change the church in my lifetime for Christians are still very, very segregated.
have you ever been called derogatory names concerning your race? what?
Um, yes….let’s see…Dirty Mexican, Spic, Beaner, Wetback, Greaser, and much more….let me also say that I’ve shot out my fair share of racial slurs of my own. No excuses, just how I’ve grown up.
what are some messages you’ve picked up along the way in your church experiences about your value, your voice as a person of color?
Historically I picked up two different messages from church experiences from both the white church and the brown church.
From the white church: That I am valued for my culture and my heritage as long as I can assimilate and it doesn’t disturb the norm. Once I am not functioning along the “preferred ideal” then it gets tricky.
The brown church: That I am valued as long as I can learn to succeed, straighten my life up, and be a prime example for my race.
From some of God’s people, non-church specific, outside the walls of institutional religion: I am valued for my personhood, that as a person of color I am loved for my differences as well as my similarities.
what are some ways that you have grown in your faith by being the “minority” in lots of the faith communities you’ve hung out in the last few years? what have you learned about God, yourself, others?
That reconciliation needs to be owned by everyone…and that we are all image bearers of the Holy One. That the road is arduous but completely worth the value of “becoming” loved and in love with one another. I’ve learned that we ALL have a story, even God…and that ALL stories need to be validated, acknowledged, and valued. I’ve come to know that I have as much to do with my healing process as both the victim and victimizer of others. As Martin Luther King said, “”Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
have you felt marginalized by “the church” or christians sometimes? how?
Often…by their lack of desire or ability to fully enter into my world…we need not share the same story to be fully present with one another, but rather all that is needed is an unconditional invitation to one another’s story.
what would you love to tell “the church’ when it comes to diversity & inclusion across cultural and racial barriers?
Let us have hope for our God-led movement towards diversity and communion with our fellow travelers of life. And while I mention “hope” I mentioned it as Vaclav Havel once said: “Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.” Let us have the certainty that it makes sense that we ought to be united and strive for that no matter how it turns out. Let us love well.
any other thoughts you’d like to add?
I am wounded…there is no doubt about that. I have pain…there is no doubt about that. I have memory of wrongs suffered…no doubt about that. But I am constantly trying to choose to be reminded of these words by St. Augustine:
We stand in awe of the ocean,
The thunderstorm
The sunset,
The mountains.
But we pass by
A human being
Without notice
Even though
The person
Is God’s most magnificent creation.
thanks, alex. we have so much to learn from each other, to push aside our prejudices, our insecurities, our lack of understanding, and work towards love and restoration in ways that are beyond the ways of this world. until we have walked in another man’s shoes, we will never know what it feels like to be called a “f*cking spic”, the dignity that can get stripped, the ugliness that power can perpetrate. we also miss out on the beauty of the heart and humor of someone different from us, and the joy that comes from finding ourselves together in God’s kingdom. my hope is that as Christ-followers we will do absolutely everything we can to break down walls of discrimination and prejudice & boldly practice Christ’s ways of love and reconciliation.
Read Morea view from the margins: the aftermath of emotional & physical abuse
i know the coolest women. seriously. strong, brave, courageous women who are rebuilding their lives after the ravages of emotional and physical abuse threatened to ruin them. i am crazily passionate about the subject of domestic violence because it is so prevalent, so underestimated, so misunderstood. one of the reasons i am so intense about gender equality in the church is because of both subtle & direct ways women continue to be stripped of their dignity, value and voice. this tearing down paves the way for men to overpower women with violence. and violence isn’t always physical. sometimes it’s words that harm and keep women stuck in more ways than one. we need more understanding of the dynamics of abuse. we need more men and women together in the conversation so we can learn from each other. and we need to keep hearing stories that remind us it’s real and how we, as brothers & sisters on the journey, can learn to listen & respond.
meet my dear friend “hallie.” i met her right before the proverbial sh*t hit the fan and have seen what can happen when a woman finds the courage and support to leave, rebuild, and heal from the ravages of living in an abusive relationship. listen to her heart. (ps: she happens to write like me with no capital letters, so sorry to those who have been enjoying a few caps in these interviews!)
share a little of your background, what kind of family you came from, when you got married, maybe what your life was first like with him.
i come from a southern baptist family. we were in church every time the doors were open. my dad was in ministry and everyone was always watching my dad to make sure he was worthy to keep his “honorable” position. needless to say, the pressure our family was under was extreme. it was all about how we looked on the outside and my mother did a wonderful job of making sure we understood that. my mom was a very good southern baptist wife who’s identity was solely that of being my dad’s wife. sadly, she had some brilliant talents that went unnurtured and eventually just fell by the wayside. she never felt worthy enough to cultivate her own talents and desires. she never had a voice. my dad was not an outwardly abusive man. however, he was clearly the king of our family jungle and whatever he decided was the law of our land…period. although my dad was never blatantly mean, he was extremely emotionally cold to us, except for my mom. he never showed any kind of emotion to us kids, but lavished my mom with kisses and hugs regularly in front of us. it was very confusing. my parents would leave us often to go to various church functions out of town, revivals, etc. my older sister would take care of us; this crazy and confusing life affected our family in many destructive ways. for me, i was extremely promiscuous at a very early age, seeking love and affection i so desperately needed.
i met my husband when i was 29. by that time, i had finished college, been involved in a string of messy relationships with men, and was fresh from a divorce after 5 months of marriage. he was so convincingly charming–everyone loved him; he had such an amazing way of being able to talk to anyone and put them at ease. the first couple of months were good. we were partying a lot at that time and just enjoying life. although we were having fun, we were at the point where we decided we should go our separate ways. but then i found out i was pregnant. it was then we decided we would try and make a life together since we were having a baby. after my son was born, we were hit with a lot of financial pressure, as well as the demands of having a new baby. although he was always emotionally cold, he was not initially abusive. however, he did start out in the relationship showing selfish and neglectful behavior toward me. he put his own needs and his friends needs above mine and my son’s. about 4 years into the relationship, he was spending less and less time at home, finding any and every reason to yell, which he was now doing on a daily occurance. after these incidents he always made wonderful promises that he would change.
can you describe a little bit what your life was like with him?
almost 6 years into the relationship, we got married. i had more hope for our relationship that we would finally be happy together if we got married, that somehow this chaotic way of living would magically disappear. after the wedding, the next couple of months were really good. i really thought he had changed. it was during this time that we decided to to try and get pregnant again. after the wedding i got pregnant with my daughter, it seemed that overnight my husband became a man i had not yet known. his anger became extremely unpredictable. he refused to spend time at all with us, rarely coming home at this point. as his anger and behavior turned more and more verbally and emotionally abusive, my self-worth subtly began diminishing, gradually annihilatingany shred of self-confidence and assertiveness i may have still had at that point. his verbal abuse turned into raging and his behavior became more and more physically threatening.
when did the lights go on and you realized that this was an abusive relationship?
i was in denial for so long about being in an abusive relationship even though some very dear people tried to tell me throughout the years. i just couldn’t accept the fact that someone like me could be in that type of situation. after all, i was educated and intelligent, how could i allow someone to treat me in that way? i had such a sense of false pride, but deep down, i knew for a very long time. the lights went on for me when i realized i was incredibly afraid of my husband. that was the wake up call for me. that being said, i still stayed in the relationship, hoping and praying we could somehow still work it out, desperately looking for any kind of hope to salvage our completely broken family. ten years into the relationship, he admitted to having an affair. at that point, i was done. i no longer wanted anything from him except freedom from the emotionally abusive hell i had been living in for so long. the night i told him i wanted a divorce is the night he physically attacked me. unfortunately, my son witnessed this. that was the last night he has ever been in my home. what followed this incident was a year of absolute agony dealing with the criminal court for domestic violence, as well as the divorce hearings.
why was it so hard to leave, what were some of the barriers that kept you there, the words that kept ringing in your head?
i always wanted so badly to believe him when he would make those wonderful promises that he would change; he was so convincing. i also desperately hoped we could remain an intact family. that was so important to me. as crazy as it sounds now, despite the abuse, i truly didn’t know what the best thing was for my children. i wrestled with the idea of my children growing up without their father in their home with them. i really didn’t know if i could do it all on my own and was especially concerned about the finances. i also felt so alone. i had isolated to the point of not having anyone close to me anymore. the most pervasive words that kept ringing in my head were “i’m not strong enough!”
where was God in all of this, what were some of the things you would cry out to him?
i would cry out “why!?!” and “how long!?!” i would beg God to change his heart and show him what a beautiful family he had been blessed with. i would cry out in desparation to ease the pain and stop my suffering. in those moments, God was there. i’d beg him to wrap himself around me and cover me. it’s painful to recall those darkest moments when i felt the pain would literally kill me and i wouldn’t make it through the night. i asked God for the first year after the divorce, “why did you allow him to lie and get away with abusing me? why did you allow the truth to be hidden?” he’s never answered those questions, but i have decided to trust that he knows what he’s doing.
where did “church” fit in for you? were you going to church, did people know what was going on, what was that experience like for you when you were still married?
remember, i was raised to consider appearances above everything else. this defintely contributed to my covering up and denial of the abuse. my dearest friend at the time was aware of the abuse. being completely submerged in the church’s fundamentalist culture, she would also make excuses for him. within the last year of the relationship, months before the physical attack, we were attending a very large church. as a last attempt to reach out, he agreed to go to counseling with me. we called the church and eventually met with the pastor in charge of such things. at that one and only meeting, we layed out our main issues. although the word ”abuse” was not used, what we were describing was clearly that. I’ll never forget this pastor’s response. he said it wasn’t my husband’s fault that he basically acted like a jerk and he totally let him off the hook. his big schpiel was that he needed to go to a particular group counseling program the church supported on a weekly basis. needless to say, he never attended the group. in fact, when we left the ”counseling” session that day, i felt even lower than when i went in, and my husband felt vindicated. that was a really harmful situation and really bad advice that came from “the church.”
what were some of the things being in this relationship made you believe about yourself?
i really felt powerless, completely alone, isolated, weak, stupid, defeated, ugly, hopeless, afraid, indifferent.
you left, you got out, you got a divorce & are now in the throws of single parenting. what is the hardest part about your life now?
several things are really difficult. of course, the financial burden is sometimes absolutely impossible to carry. probably the hardest part of being a single parent is having to do everything on your own. my family is all out of state, so i truly don’t have the benefit of having family to help me. also, at the end of the day, i’m exhausted and am still helping with homework, making sure showers are taken, and clean clothes are set out for the next day. then there are also the emotional issues the children have, especially the first year after the separation and divorce. since then, i constantly have to work extra hard at making sure they know both of their parents love them, despite our differences. lastly, it is extremely challenging to co-parent with my ex-husband. with the rule of joint decision making, he and i are equal in deciding major decisions regarding the children. in theory, that sounds like a good and fair idea. the reality is much more difficult to do. this theory does not take into consideration abusive and extremely controlling personalities. for those of us who have been in abusive relationships, it feels like his reign of terror will never end.
can you describe what it feels like to be a single mom with two kids and never enough money to pay the bills?
i am consistently a month behind with any given bill. for example, sometimes i don’t pay the electric bill or phone bill for two months so i can pay the rent. this leaves me constantly behind and often with a threat of a shut off notice. it’s very stressful and scary. there is a constant struggle between getting a higher paying job and never seeing my kids, or taking the lesser paying job and being able to spend more time with them. i’ve done it both ways, and no matter which i choose, there’s always a price to pay. i’m fortunate enough to receive child support, as i am aware that many single parents do not. still, it is simply not enough, not nearly enough, as i am solely responsible for the children’s healthcare and dental work, as well as daycare costs, and their many other needs. another issue some don’t normally think about is that i have two children, a boy and a girl. i can only afford a two bedroom, so one of us doesn’t have a bedroom. this is a difficult way to live.
are there any really stupid things christians have said to you along the way that made you want to scream?
yes! after describing an extremely abusive act on my ex-husband’s part, a woman said to me that sometimes “the wife just has to accept what the husband brings to her, including the bad things.” are you kidding me??? i’ve also been reminded several times that if i “just pray more, God would change his heart.” the other thing said that stands out is what i said earlier about the counselor/pastor telling him his behavior was not his fault and completely letting him off the hook for his abusive behavior. this was so destructive, as it not only made me feel like total crap, but also empowered him to continue his behavior–only this time with the stamp of approval by the church.
what have you learned about yourself, about God as you have struggled and scraped to rebuild?
i have learned he will help me make it through the next day. i have learned that i am so worth being loved. i have learned that i am his precious daughter and that no matter what, his love for me never changes. i have learned that i am a treasure and i am beautiful. i have learned that i am strong.
what has a tangible, safe, loving communty meant to you on this journey of healing & standing on your own two feet?
my beautiful community has meant everything to me (and still does). i don’t know where i’d be without my loving sisters and brothers. they have a supernatural way of balancing giving, receiving, and loving in an extremely safe environment that has allowed me to walk honestly through this very tough journey. they allow my questions, my anger, my love, my acceptance. they love me unconditionally, so there is no fear of being too “difficult.” they have filled in the gaps (and there are many), whether helping with paying bills, helping me move, or with babysitting. they have shown me love in a very tangible way. it’s truly been a matter of life and death for me.
what words do you have for a woman who is just beginning to wake up to the reality that the relationship she is in is abusive and she might have to leave?
what you are about to do is one of the most difficult things you have ever done or will do in your whole life. i know it is scary and there is so much uncertainty. this is going to be hard, but so worth it on the other side. you are a beautiful, strong, and capable woman. you are going to make a better life for yourself and you do deserve it, even though you may not believe it right now. you are God’s precious daughter. you are valuable, a treasure, who deserves to be loved unconditionally. i know it is scary, but find at least one person you can reach out to and tell your story. keep telling it until someone hears you. find a support group. i know it’s hard, but once you take that first step, you’ll find that you are not alone. you will find compassion, understanding, and strength.
what words do you have for “the church” when it comes to journeying alongside women who have been abused in their relationships, what would you like them to know?
i would just say “love on her!” she is so wounded by the time anyone knows about the abuse. speak positivity into her life. love on her. help her to realize her worth. step in when she can’t, whether it is financial, emotional, or spiritual. love her unconditionally and treat her as the precious treasure that she truly is.
thank you, hallie. you are amazing and courageous, and i know over the course of time you will continue to remind many women they are worth more than they’ve been told. i hope that we, the church, can get better at understanding this issue. i know this–we need more men in the conversation. my husband, jose, is working at a legal aid clinic and is really focusing in on domestic violence victims. he was recently at a conference here in denver for people who advocate for abused women in some shape or form. there were over 30 people there, and he came home and told me he was the only man there. that, my friends, needs to change.
God, help us boldly & lovingly stand on behalf of the abused.
Read Morea view from the margins: gay + “the church” = a lot of damage
well i don’t think it would be possible to focus on a view from the margins without offering some perspectives from a group of folks who tend to be the most marginalized of all when it comes to “the church”-the gay & lesbian community. i recognize that people who read this blog may be all over the place on this issue; in this moment, that is not what is on the table. what is? the opportunity to listen in on my friend’s perspective of what it feels like to be young, gay, and connected to christianity. a lot–and i do mean a lot–of damage has been done to the gay community by conservative christians (a movie worth seeing: for the Bible tells me so). i am not even sure what can be redeemed in the years to come, but i do know this: those who aren’t gay need to listen. we must pay attention to the subtle & direct ways our brothers & sisters have been & are currently being hurt by others in the name of Christ. we are called to radically love people; and no matter how you slice it up, these are our sisters, our brothers, our daughters, our sons, our friends who are being mistreated.
i hope that you all know by now that the safety of this blog is over-the-top important to me. when my friends share their hearts like this, i am exposing them to potential harm. and like i mentioned in an interview with a different friend about the same subject last year--no more lepers– i am like a mama bear protecting my cubs. i have no doubt you will respect this space. i would like you to meet my friend “taylor”. we met five years ago when she was just coming out; it’s been a wild ride & i have a lot of respect for her courage to tell it like it is. right now, she’s pretty mad. and i’ll be honest, i don’t blame her.
share a little of your background, what kind of family you came from, what your entrance into realizing you were gay looked like for you.
Wow, family background, hmm….very religious parents, very hypocritical in my opinion, but, just my opinion. Orange County upbringing of “Image is everything”. Definitely suffered from the damage of conditional love, which is big in my house.. If I failed, I felt I was not loved so I succeeded at everything, no matter the cost. I got good grades, was very involved in church and ministry, played 4 years of varsity basketball, never went out, never partied, never drank, never smoked. I founded Fellowship of Christian Athletes with a few friends at my high school and looked to be on the right track. While I mastered the ability to make things look good on the outside, I knew something was not right, but couldn’t pin point what–how can you as a child? You know no other reality. I left for Colorado on a basketball scholarship at a Christian college when I was 18. It’s amazing how things hit the fan once you’re out of a bad situation. I started counseling and began the horrific realizations that childhood was not anywhere close to normal for me. I was overwhelmed in more ways than one; to make a long story short I was not greeted with the kindness and loving care that a Christian organization claimed to have. It hurt a lot. I began to realize I was gay my freshman year of college, and though I did not act on it while at the university (per university rules), my scholarship was revoked anyway and I did not return the following year. My anger towards Christianity as a whole grew very strong because of my parents’ hypocritical example and the treatment I received from the school and many other Christian organizations I had contact with. I attended every seminar possible, went to counseling, passionately tried to not struggle with homosexuality, and I ended up being shunned anyway. I remember countless nights falling asleep crying in the prayer chapel on campus begging God to take this away from me, terrified I would be going to Hell for feelings I could not control. I’d never put so much effort towards beating something in my life, because I was a Christian and that’s what I was supposed to do. And despite all my effort, and open-hearted attitude to multiple methods of making myself straight, I was thrown out and led to believe I really was going to Hell, I didn’t pray hard enough, I shouldn’t call myself a Christian anymore, and I didn’t deserve my scholarship from that school because of who I was. I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights that cost me…
can you think of the first time you noticed being somehow marginalized, thought less of, discriminated against, because you were gay? what did that look like, feel like?
Yes. The biggest example I remember is working at a Christian athletes camp. This is what I wanted to do with my life since I was 15–to be a youth counselor and be in full-time ministry. I wanted to travel overseas to the places no one else would go and touch lives for Him. This was my first chance! I considered my sexuality a struggle. I wasn’t decided either way, but I knew God had a purpose for me. I went down to Texas to volunteer at some summer camps for high school kids at several Christian colleges. I was excited and determined to make a difference. There’s something that rings home for me in helping troubled teens not feel alone, the way I did growing up. However, after three camps, a lot of the counselors had grown close. We all shared our struggles. Two of us had the same struggle. We were told we could not return to work with the kids the following year if we were still struggling with being gay. Counselors who were sleeping around, getting high the day before camp, on drugs, etc., were allowed to come back and work with the kids, but I was not worthy. It felt devastating. The hardest thing I have ever had to deal with was when the kids I kept in contact with all year long wanted to know why I was not returning to camp. Hearing how abandoned they felt by me and not being able to give them a solid reason why really broke my spirit. I didn’t feel as a representative of of the organization, despite their hypocrisy, that my sexuality or struggle was up for conversation. I know God’s purpose was for me to be there. I never shared my struggle of sexuality with any of my campers. I was extremely careful to make sure I handled the situation well–any campers who came to me with that struggle (and can I just tell you there were too many to count) I set them up with another counselor who I felt could answer their questions better then me. Regardless, in their eyes, I am not capable of helping troubled teens because I was gay.
what have been some of your experiences with christians? with “the church?”
Well, honestly, when I think of Christians I think of the idiots I see downtown with their picket signs, or the bumper stickers I read as I get cut off on the freeway and I’m so close their bumper I can read, “Jesus loves you”, ha! Or out in Orange County, there are license plate covers that say “Saddleback: You matter to God” on an $80,000 Infiniti. What a great ministry to the starving children in Africa! I try not to judge because I make a lot of financial mistakes and I am no where close to perfect. There are just a few things that really get under my skin. I guess in short, the Bible says to Love. Not hate, or picket, or judge, or shame, or control, or manipulate, or shoot at, or throw something at!
how have these responses hurt you?
They have demolished my ability to call myself a Christian. At first, I had a lot of hate towards Christianity and Christians as a whole; but I am trying to not let them get the better of me (which I feel is what they want, to push gays so far away they have no where to turn but to unhealthy coping mechanisms). Then they can blame those coping mechanisms like drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, etc. on the gay lifestyle and reaffirm their negativity towards homosexuality (hope that makes sense because it feels really real to a lot of us). I don’t think most of the things people associate with homosexual lifestyle has to do with being gay; it has everything to do with how gays are being treated. I would say 9 times out of 10, if my gay friends are having a hard time, it’s not because they are gay. It’s because people they love refuse to love them in spite of it (parents, friends, family, siblings, bosses, teammates, coaches, coworkers). It’s hard enough to be gay in the world, but trying to survive as a gay in the church, a forever second class citizen, a leper, well, that’s what it felt like. I used to think that’s all I deserved because I was gay; I actually let the church manipulate me in to thinking that was all I should be. How ridiculous…I deserve so much more…
what do you wish “the church” understood about homosexuality?
I don’t think too many people, especially Christians, wake up one morning and decide, “God, ya know what would really help me out in life, if I could just be gay…can I struggle with that for a while? “ It’s not a decided struggle, it’s not something you go try like alcohol and then can’t get a grip on it. It’s a part of who people are…most want nothing to do with it at first…I fought it with everything I had…it’s not an easy life to live. For some it’s easier to fight than others. I have no decided theory on what causes it. I’m no expert nor have I arrived on my journey. I just don’t think you can know or understand anything until you’ve walked in another person’s shoes. That’s what I wish people considered.
have you ever been called derogatory names concerning your sexuality? what?
Well, let’s see, here’s just a few: I got called a “f-ing dyke” in Sports Authority last year during christmas shopping, (wearing a pink girls sweat suit, mind you) because I was shopping with my girlfriend. I have had bullet holes put through my front window and been threatened countless times by guys telling me how they can make me straight. One of my best friends was just jumped leaving a bar about a month ago; I woke up to her phone call and had to pick her up and take her to the ER to get her face sewn back together. 13 stitches between her nose and mouth. There are worse things than words going on here…We are not safe. But again, the worst thing, over any fear, or wound, or name, is being denied my ministry..as though I am not worthy to love others…
what are some messages you’ve picked up along the way in your church experiences about your value, your voice as a homosexual?
What I have to say or contribute is void if it comes from a gay mouth…I can’t be trusted. I tried for a while to hide my sexuality and continue ministry, but my integrity level would not support it very long. I also felt it violated my integrity to associate myself with groups of people who were so judgmental, not just towards gays, but every other sub-group the church has categorized in their attempt to play God. One of my best friends back home describes being a gay-couple in the church today like being a bi-racial couple 50 years ago. The church would throw black-white couples out, have sermon’s on Bible verses claiming this was against God’s will, pity the poor kids that were a result of the union, refuse to include them on church events, pray for their salvation. This gives me hope, as ridiculous as it sounds, because today no one cares what race you are married to. Maybe 50 or 100 years from now, we’ll finally get the same respect.
how has being marginalized by “the church” or christians affected your faith?
I won’t call myself a Christian…I think I am more loving than that. I spend my time helping others the best I can. I do juvenile delinquent counseling for teen male offenders of every kind. They are challenging, but not hard to love. They have done some horrific things in their early years of life, but I don’t feel that deems them unworthy of anyone caring. I work as a caregiver as well, mostly with Alzheimer’s patients. I volunteer when I can. I work to be the best person I can…but not because I am a Christian-I’m not. I am just a human being trying to make the world a better place. I think that’s possible without a Bible.
in the middle of the night, what are some of the things you cry out to God?
I don’t. I have a relationship with God that actually holds a lot of joy. Despite a lot of hardship, the quality of my life is pretty darn good. Each day matters, each day is another opportunity to make a difference. God and I have really developed a sense of humor about certain things. Sometimes there really isn’t anything else to do but laugh at how out of hand people can get when they’re up on their religious pedestal. It bothers me and can cause a lot of anger in the moment sometimes, but as a lot of gays today, I’ve learned to brush it off with a giggle or two and thank God I’m not stuck in such a pathetic religious entanglement. That’s one thing he has rescued me from. But I guess to answer the question, as soon as I rejected the church and religious rules and Christian hate for homosexuality, the more I started to feel at home with God.
what are some of the things you are learning about yourself, God, faith, in these past few years?
I like myself a lot better and feel a lot better away from the control and manipulation of Christianity as a whole. There are some Christians I know that are amazing people. I don’t think every Christian out there is out to get the homosexual population. I just don’t think religion is required to love others, if that makes sense? The Christian people I do have in my life are a part of my life for the same reason non-Christian people are. They love me, I love them, and there is a mutual respect and common goal of making the world better.
what does it feel like to be part of a faith community that doesn’t discriminate against you?
hmm…well, i am discriminated against less…I don’t think that every person sitting at the Refuge thinks homosexuality is ok, so I am still reserved around people I don’t actually know. I respect others opinions a lot, and I like to listen to where people are at. I think a lot has to do with how you go about things. I have one very good friend of mine who thinks homosexuality is very wrong. We can discuss our opinions here and there, but we still love each other and that one disagreement does not affect our ability to have a strong friendship with each other. I love listening to her reasoning, because she communicates it in love and sets no expectation of me changing anything. I can’t begin to tell you the influence she’s had on my life…and how much damage control she has done in the area of religion. At the Refuge, it’s nice to know I can come in with my girlfriend, sit down, and enjoy some community without being handed an Exodus ministries pamphlet or being stared down (which happens sometimes but i just tell myself its cuz we’re so good-looking, not cuz we’re gay LOL, just kidding). It helps heal a few wounds of feeling unwanted, but the damage is still very real. I appreciate them trying and that’s good enough for me. I just hate the huge divide. I found a place where gay people can come hang out, and I cannot get my gay friends to join me, because the hurt is still so strong in them. That makes me sad, but I so understand their hesitation. They have good data.
any other thoughts you’d like to add?
just LOVE…it’s not that complicated…and it’s easy to remember…nothing else should really matter, right?
thank you for your honesty, taylor! we need to hear it. i thought i’d end with an excerpt from the reverend joseph lowery’s beautiful prayer at the end of president obama’s inauguration last month. it’s my hope for all of us:
“…and now, Lord, in the complex arena of human relations,
help us to make choices on the side of love, not hate;
on the side of inclusion, not exclusion; tolerance, not intolerance.”
amen.
Read Morea view from the margins: divorced & on the outs
if you’re just joining the conversation here, i am in the middle of posting a series of interviews with people i know both in and outside of the refuge who for all kinds of reasons live “on the margins.” sometimes it’s the margins of society, other times it’s the margins of “the church.” sometimes it’s both. so far, we’ve touched on:
although i will never be able to hit all of the issues that people struggle with that somehow make them feel relegated to the margins, i do hope that we can somehow connect the dots to the parts that we or others might relate to. when i was reflecting on the last post about special needs kids, i was thinking that many of the same issues apply to parents of kids who are struggling with drugs, alcohol, depression, and a wide range of other issues that somehow edge them off to the fringes of the average church. i am guessing that many parents can relate to christina’s feelings in that respect.
with that said, i wanted to give you entrance into an unfortunately very typical story of a dedicated christian leader who ended up getting a divorce and suddenly found himself on the “outs” of church. yeah, i know many who can relate. it is so sad for me to say this, but i really think the average suburban church is made for the average couple with a few well-behaved kids (note that i’m not saying all churches, just the average kind, i know there are many communities deeply dedicated to singles, etc.). but what happens when marriages fall apart and all that was once shiny and happy is no more?
unfortunately, many times folks really just don’t do well with this kind of pain & those in the midst of it often end up feeling tossed aside, ignored, abandoned, ditched, or dismissed. here’s a look into one person’s story. i met “jake” this past year through another friend. he lives across town & we hang out for coffee now and then. i love his heart, his honesty, his pursuit of healing. but i hate what happened to him when the fallout of his divorce ravaged his faith, his heart, his ministry:
share a little of your background, what your faith journey has sort of been like, and how you found yourself divorced after years of ministry?
I grew up in a fundamental type of church and “prayed” to receive Christ” at a young age, but it was not until I was in college that I really had a good handle on what it meant to be a follower of Christ at least as the Evangelical Church would describe it. My wife and I were very involved in our church, teaching Sunday School, Deacon, Trustee, all different areas of leadership. We spent 10 years in Asia as Missionaries and then I spent 9 years leading a Faith Based Non Profit working around the globe. Being a guy and a workaholic, doing God’s work, I guess that I missed something along the way as far as taking care of my marriage: two years ago my wife told me she was leaving me. I was in shock as she followed through with the divorce.
can you describe what the initial response was to you, a person in leadership, having a crumbling marriage?
Out of fear I kept it very secret as long as I could. I knew from past experience that this was not going to be a good thing. I have seen others marginalized and in many cases “put out” of the group because of divorce, it was like they suddenly came down with a disease. I only shared the issue with a couple of people and when things finally came to the point of needing to be public a lot of people told me that “they would be praying for us” but very few took any time to go further than that. I also began to get the feeling that I was now somehow on the outside or at least looked at as having “an issue” that they did not know what to do with, secretly hoping that maybe it will somehow just go away. I think that the initial response was one of fear. I had a couple of people who said “if this could happen to you, what could happen to us?”
how did your divorce throw you into the category of being “marginalized”?
First off I lost my job, the Board of Directors did not see how they could have a leader who was divorced or at that time going through a divorce. At that point I was out of a job and not sure exactly where I fit in the Christian culture.
what were some of the places that you have found relief during your healing journey post-divorce?
Truthfully, I found most of my relief in 3 places. My patio and front porch, where I would sit and smoke a cigar (I know, really nasty) and either listen for God to speak or often shout at him about my situation. Second was with a couple of good friends who would just sit and allow me to talk. Third was with a Divorce Recovery Group that I joined. Honestly, it was a lot of time alone and just allowing God to talk to me and me to him.
what have been some of the greatest sources of pain in the process?
Besides the actual divorce and the pain of the rejection, it has been the rejection that I have felt from the “Christian” friends that I thought I had and people in general who just do not know how to come alongside another person in pain. It is the judgment that I have felt from the evangelical world–not the church as an organism but the church as an organization.
where was God in all of this, what were some of the things you would cry out to him?
God was there and he showed up in many different ways, through people and phone calls at just the right time, by talking to me while I was on the patio or porch, by allowing me to vent my feelings, frustrations, pain, fear and just making me feel like I was not being judged like I felt from church people.
what has it felt like for you, to become an “outsider” after so many years as an “insider”?
The worst feeling is that I no longer have a place at the table, I know that I have almost 40 years of experience both in churches, on the mission field, in organizational leadership, but I am no longer welcome. I no longer have a voice in any of the circles I used to be in. I feel like it is a waste of me and what I really do have to offer.
what are some of the things that have shifted in your faith post-divorce?
God has become more real to me, personally. I must have time now in silence and sitting with him. It is no longer about “doing more” for God but “allowing my being” to be attached to him. I want to believe that I am no longer as judgmental as I once was. I am learning it is about journeying with others where they are not where I think they should be in their faith/life journey.
what are some of the things that have shifted in your relationship with “the church” post-divorce?
I am no longer attending an evangelical church. I have no plans on moving back into that world unless there is a bolt of lightning or direct message from God. I do attend on an irregular basis services at an Anglican church close to my home but the Priest and I have a deal: I am just there to hide and meet God in a formal way. My new church is a small group us who get together once a month for poker and fun. We do more “church” in that setting than I have done in years.
can you describe what you have lost.
First and foremost, I lost my identity. I also lost what I thought was my family (the church), people I thought were friends and colleagues.
can you describe what you have gained?
A clearer picture of what the “body”, “the organism” of Christ should look like. It is about loving each other as we want and need to be loved. It is about journeying with people right where they are today, not where we think they should be to fit our ideal or the groups’ ideal. I have a freedom to journey with God in new and fun ways that has become deep and rich in ways I hadn’t imagined.
are there any really stupid things christians have said to you along the way that made you want to scream?
“As a divorced person you no longer fit the description of a Christian leader…”
“It scares me to be around you now.”
“I don’t understand why you are blaming the church for your problem.”
“Your situation has brought shame on the church”
“We might lose money and people because of our status…” (not said but implied, no guts to come out and say it directly.)
what are some of the ways people have helped you the most?
Listen and sit on the garbage heap with me, not comment or try and fix, just sit and listen.
what are some of the things you cry out to God in the middle of the night?
Why!!!
Why won’t you just fix this so I can get on with life.
Why!!
what have you learned about yourself, about God as you have struggled and scraped to heal & rebuild?
I have learned that I am going to be ok. God spoke to me one day and said, “I will not guarantee your marriage, your job or your life circumstance, but I will tell you that YOU will be ok.” God has not abandoned me, he still loves and cares very deeply not only about me but those who have hurt me and those I have hurt.
what scares you the most about opening up your heart to christian community again?
Not going to happen in the traditional circle, there is absolutely no trust on my part that they can or will try and understand. Bottom line, I do not want to be rejected again and have a deep sense that I would be.
what words do you have for someone who is in the midst of a christian divorce, especially when they are in leadership/ministry?
You will be ok, the core you, not your perceived you. Please get in touch with me and we will have coffee and I will listen, without judgment and allow you to tell your story. It is important to tell it out loud to people who will truly listen.
what words do you have for “the church” when it comes to journeying alongside men & women in this same situation, what would you like them to know?
Learn to follow Jesus and his example, not a cultural façade that has been given to you that in no way exemplifies Christ, no matter what you have been taught by the “church”. Jesus did not throw Peter away even after he had denied him 3 times; he met him where he was and restored him to an even greater ministry. People who have gone through tough times may need a time out but they can and will come back strong. Allow them to lead the way.
thank you, jake, for sharing a piece of your story with us. i know many men & women who found more meaningful & rich relationship with God through their divorce but lost their communities, ministries, and all that they had once known–and unfortunately had no one to sit on the garbage heap with them. i do hope and pray that we as Christ-followers continue to learn grace & mercy & restoration & long-haul-unconditional-love-where-there’s-no-more-”outs” when our brothers & sisters walk through the dark valleys of real life.
Read Morea view from the margins: marginalized kids
marginalizing people is not limited to age. kids get marginalized all the time, too. the ones cast aside, avoided, ignored the most are probably the kids with special needs. many people are afraid of them. sometimes grownups don’t know what to do so they end up doing nothing. the result: we unknowingly marginalize kids and families when they need us the most. Jesus loves the little children. And he desperately and tangibly loves those that the world is afraid to touch. special needs kids can sometimes become “the untouchables” in our churches, communities, schools, and families. in our little community we have a high percentage of kiddos on the autism spectrum and we are learning from each other in incredible ways. and like so many other stories, if we haven’t lived it, we can’t know what it feels like.
meet “christina”, an amazing woman of strength and courage who passionately loves her little boy and is an advocate not only for him but for other women and children who are unprotected, stripped of dignity, and need someone to stick up for them. listen to her powerful story of life with her beautiful, smart, creative, son, who happens to have autism. their story isn’t just about a mom who has a little boy with special needs; it speaks to a much wider story about life on the margins. listen to what it can feel like:
share a little of your background, what kind of family you came from, how you ended up as a mommy with a beautiful child who had special needs?
I grew up in a small town in Wyoming. My mother is Caucasian and my biological father is African American and American Indian. My parents divorced and my mother moved my older sister and I to Colorado so she could finish her BA when I was 14 years old. I was married at 23 to my college sweetheart. We had been married for 4 years. I was in the middle of working on my BA when I found out our little baby was coming. It wasn’t until Jonah was about 9 months that we began to be a little concerned. He wasn’t getting to a sitting position on his own or able to roll over on his own. When I talked to the pediatrician at his 9 month appointment he suggested that we give our baby until his 12 month appointment before we did any intervention. Other than his gross motor delay he was a healthy normal baby. Very happy, sweet and extremely easy…an angel baby. At 12 months nothing had changed so we started our baby with an Occupational Therapist and then a Physical Therapist. In the mist of this we got Child Find involved to have him tested for other delays. That began our journey into the world of special needs.
what do those needs look like?
From 12 months until 3 years it was mostly physical and speech therapy. Around 3 is when Autistic became known to us as a possibility for our son’s delays, more intensive therapy was suggested: speech, occupational, physical, preschool, and more. We had lots of “homework” for me at home to do with him. And at this point I was a single mom with an infant daughter to care for as well. Our son is smart so he figured out how to get out of our condo when he was 3 years old. He would push a chair up to the door and remove the chain and unlock the dead bold and go to the park alone. My neighbors graciously started looking out for him and us. A double lock had to be installed. He is now at a typical school for kiddos on the Autism spectrum. He has a full time para with him to support him in the typical classroom. He has occupational and speech therapy multiple times each week.
when you lay in bed in the middle of the night, what are some of the thoughts & questions that rattle around in your head about your life?
I am crazed half of the time. Am I doing enough? Did I make the right decision about the typical classroom? What new therapy should I try? Should I homeschool? What else should I do to help him? Will he be happy? Will he have friends? What should I do for our daughter that is typically developing? How unfair all of this to her! Why him? Am I really the right mommy for this child? I feel like I am always failing him in some way. What the hell God? What am I supposed to be learning here? Is this my fault? Are you watching? Do you see? I feel so alone….sometimes hopeless. Would life be easier without him? What does normal feel like? On my bad nights I am jealous of people that have typically developing kiddos. Everything can feel so unfair in these dark moments alone in my head.
how have you seen your sweet baby marginalized by people? what has that looked like, felt like?
This is heart breaking for me. People can be so cruel. I have been told I am an awful mother by strangers when he is having a hard day and acting out. I have had neighbors say it is a shame that he is the way that he is. Neighbors have also completely ignored him after they were being kind to him for a while. I had grown adults yell at him for touching their baskets at the supermarket. If he doesn’t understand someone else’s disfigurement or disability he will ask and is often met with harsh words and cold comments. He looks so normal and he is so tall that people expect a great deal more of him than he is able to give. People often stare and you can feel their judgment in their eyes. Most parents at his school don’t know how to relate to him so he rarely is invited to birthday parties or playdates. Some parents won’t respond at all if their child has been invited to his party. Children can be the worst. They tease him, bully him, asking him to do inappropriate things for their enjoyment. I have heard them say he is weird and or crazy more often than I care to remember. Imagine being stabbed repeatedly by a dull knife over and over in the same spot. And imagine it happening after the wound has almost healed. Imagine it happening by adult men, women, children and the elderly. Imagine it happening in your own family. Some days I can’t breathe or think straight. I get so angry. I have cried oceans of tears. I try to resolve to grow thicker skin. I try not to let the depression sweep me under. It feels like death on the really bad days. Like my own personal hell.
how have you seen your sweet baby marginalized by “the church?” what has that looked like, felt like?
I would love to say the “church” has been better but they haven’t. The same stares, the same problems with children being flat out mean to our son has happened there. The same feelings of him not belonging have been consistent at the church as it has outside of it. The church seems to hide behind not knowing as their excuse for why the respond the way that they do to our son. But I haven’t seen anyone really try to know. Okay a few but not many at all and even those people have done so because I have asked for help and they haven’t stayed invested . They don’t invest themselves in his life. They do in mine and my husbands but not his. Never his. It feels like they are relieved it isn’t their child. It is the attitude of seeing a person that is cold and patting them on the arm and telling them….go be warm and not offering a coat. That is the churches’ response to children like my son. Good luck with that….go be warm.
how does the system work against your family?
There is no tolerance for his differences. Everyone wants him to be “typical” and he isn’t. It is no fault of his own but he is the one expected to conform not the other way around. He is always the one that is expected to rise above. I often feel so frustrated when we are the ones having to rise above. He is a little precious loving boy, why must it always be him? When it is his turn? When do we get a break? When do we get to be cruel and judgmental? Of course that isn’t what I want for us especially not for him however it is hard not to go to that place in my wounded soul when we are constantly fighting for basic rights of respect and dignity.
how have you felt most supported on your journey? what’s helped the most?
There have been some that have been willing to offer us a coat. They have offered to help us get warm. Saying out loud that they aren’t sure what to do but offer to invest in him anyway is huge. Spending time with him and realizing what an amazing kiddo he is has meant the world to me. My sister is my best example of this. She is always on the look out for support and therapies that might help him. Doing research and asking for books or resources to understand him better. She also listens to my mother heart and all of my joys and fears about raising this amazing gift God graciously gave to us.
what are some of your dreams for “the church” when it comes to marginalized kids?
Investing in these kiddos. Taking the time to invest without the families having to initiate it for the church. Learning about what the kiddos need and trying to accommodate them in an inclusive way instead of just turning a blind eye. Being family to families with children with disabilities. Recognizing that while it may be uncomfortable and unfamiliar to them it is imperative that these families have support and a place of safety for their children as well. Sometimes it can get incredibly dark for these families and they need to know that they are loved and their entire families are safe, loved, known and welcome.
have you experienced situations where “the church” might actually increase shame for struggling families? what has that looked like?
Lots of well meaning people want to give advice to you when you have a child with special needs. The worst has been when people have asked if they can pray for your child’s healing. UGH!!! I want to scream he isn’t broken. God didn’t forget about him and he just slipped through the cracks. Or screaming louder when they give the trite answers from the Bible about God not giving us more than we can handle. I roll my eyes internally at these unhelpful remarks. But mostly the damage is done because the church seems to be the least able to be inclusive or knowledgeable about our kinds of kiddos. They just don’t seem to care. It doesn’t seem to be their problem. The church has been the slowest at even attempting to accommodate our children. It is almost like our children are the soulless ones and the church cannot be expected to help ones such as these.
how has and does God sustained and strengthened you?
God sends us our angels as I call them. They love us all with such amazing ability. It stuns me when I really am able to take it all in. Usually it is the specialist that work with him or other families in the same situation we are in and then there are these rare unexpected gifts of people who just get that we need love and compassion to and the dole it out with abandon. God seems to align people on our broken road in such incredible ways that it can only be from him. And it is always at just the right moments. When my walls are beginning to crack. A word here, hug there, an offer to help a little…all of these small tangible acts help us to keep going. To continue to fight, to continue to have hope and to continue to love. Lately he has been helping me to worry less and to trust in his love more. So little by little I am letting go. Finding peace in this moment. Finding hope and encouragement in little ways and allowing that to be enough.
are there any really stupid things christians have said to you along the way that made you want to scream?
YES!!! More times than I want to remember. So frustrating. The biggest one lately is the not knowing how (to relate) be with Jonah. I want to shake them. It is like anything else we do in life. But what they aren’t saying is that they haven’t tried because they are afraid. Praying for his “healing” and the trite Christian verses they have thrown at me when I am in the middle of darkness and hell. Christians seem to have a hard time just listening and grieving with those who grieve.
what are some of the things you cry out to God in the middle of the night?
Peace. Wholeness for our son. Not in the way of healing so he will be typical but wholeness so that he is who God has always known he would be. Love and happiness for our son. Protection for him. And hope for the future. There isn’t a lot of hope of people with disabilities. Communities don’t want to be taxed in order to help out people like my son. They are seen as less that human at times. We will protect animals with rights more than we will protect those of us that are so helpless and defenseless. It is so disheartening. I want to scream to God WHERE ARE YOU!!! DO SOMETHING!!!! HELP US!!! HELP HIM!!!
what has a tangible, safe, loving community meant to you? your son? what are you learning about yourself and people and God through it?
It is the difference of life and death for me. My community provides perspective and encouragement and grace and truth. Sometimes I am balancing dangerously close to the edge of the cliff and they pull me back to safety. They remind who I am and they stay with me until I am strong enough to fight again. Jonah knows he is loved and adored. He is happy. He knows he is safe. He knows how to love in return because of those that have loved and invested in him. He is incredible. I have learned that the more you understand the feelings of being marginalized the more willing you are to help others. People like us have hearts that expand and make room for others. They just get it. They understand. They have a greater capacity to give of themselves for the sake of another. So I am continually amazed by people. They slay me with their love and willingness to just be present in our lives.
what words do you have for parents who feel so lonely in their journey, especially in church?
Hold on. We are out there. Some of us get it. Tell your truth. Make your lives known. Don’t say you’re fine when your heart is breaking. Stay in, keep fighting. Know that God can and actually delights in your truth. It doesn’t have to be cleaned up and pressed for you to take it to him. He loves you exactly as you are in this moment no matter what you are feeling and thinking.
what words do you have for “the church” when it comes to journeying alongside families with kids with special needs, what do you want to tell them directly?
Step out of your comfort zone. Do it afraid. Parents of these types of kiddos do it every day. We do it afraid. We need you. You don’t have to do it all but do something. Make an effort. Men of the church it is time for you to pour into our children. You have abilities and gifts that women don’t have and cannot impart into our children. We need you. They desperately need you. Make tangible investments outside of church gatherings. Spend time with these kiddos. Ask questions, do your homework, get educated. We are not asking something of you that we don’t require of ourselves. This is how we do life with our children. You can do it too. We don’t have any special abilities that you don’t have. We are just loving and living the best we can and we are asking for you to do the same.
thanks, christina, for your tenacity. oh i know i have a lot to learn from your perspective! my hope is through your story that parents out there with kids on the margins feel less alone because of you. and may we, the church, learn what it means to love with abandon, without fear–the ways that Jesus did–these precious kids & families...
God, please help us see what you see.
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