Posts by kathyescobar
rebuilding after deconstructing: 7. exploring possibilities
this is the second-to-last installment of 7 major movements in rebuilding after deconstructing. tomorrow will be a wrap post, which is really the 8th–”trusting the path.” then early next week i want to brainstorm a few helpful lists together (it will be fun, i promise!).
the other posts from the past 2 weeks are listed here.
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one of the hardest parts about writing a series this-packed-full-of-intensity is that everyone is in a different place. some of us have already found our way & feel free-er than we’ve ever felt before. others are only beginning to realize we’re at the wall & don’t know what the $^$&#@ it might mean for the future. others are worn out & tired & feel really “done” at the moment and really don’t want to talk about this right now.
i say this as yet another warning when reading this post. for some of you, you’re just not ready to think about new possibilities yet. please know the last thing i want to do is make people feel pressured. we don’t all have to be at the place of being ready to “explore possibilities.” this shifting process take time; it’s important to not rush and expect ourselves to get to some imaginary finish line fast. that will mess our heads and hearts up even more. so as you’re reading today, know that it’s totally okay if you’re not in this particular space at the moment.
but some people are.
one of the hardest things for many deconstructors to do is to plug back into some form of community. see, even saying that word is making a few of you have an allergic reaction! the thought of risking again, trusting again, trying again, engaging again just feels too overwhelming. you’ve been there, done that, and so why bother.
i totally get that.
but it might help if we begin to widen our view of what community & connection might look like. as we do that, we can begin to explore possibilities.
community & connection with other people of hope might look like:
re-attaching to a safe church–or never darkening the door of a church again but finding hope through a small cluster of friends dedicated to each other.
joining a group and remaining firmly on the fringes–or trying to plug in and serve again, with eyes wide open and hearts a little more aware.
being part of something that doesn’t have a lick to do with anything overtly spiritual–or finding a clearly sacred place for intentional spiritual practices.
working with people directly connected to our newly-ignited passion–or in a completely different context.
part of rebuilding & renewal is an openness to new possibilities for community & connection.
there are a few things to be aware of as we explore new possibilities:
it has to be when we’re ready, not when someone else thinks we should be. this is so important!
experiments help. i’m a big fan of “let’s try this and see what it feels like.” we can enter into some of these experiences more loosely & not hold ourselves to feeling like we have to commit to anything. i love the idea of “for this next season i’m going to experiment with…” and then have a time to evaluate how it went, how it felt, what it opened us up to.
we don’t have to give all our power away again. it’s okay to be part of stuff without being “all in”. it’s okay to disagree with some things but be okay with others. it’s okay to guard our hearts and at the same time open them a little. it’s okay to be skeptical about leadership & power but still take part. it doesn’t make us cynical; it makes us wise.
let go of old definitions of “church”. if we hold on to old preconceptions, it will really hijack possibilities, especially if we’re toast when it comes to typical systems. small or big, formal or informal, regular or sporadic, christian or non-christian, there are all kinds of ways to be with other people and be part of “church.”
listen to triggers but be careful about making quick decisions based on them. part of our maturity is developing listening skills for our gut feelings of what is really going on. as we explore new possibilities for connection & community, we need to better listen to the Holy Spirit-working-in-us. at the same time, when we’ve been in toxic systems or are still really raw, every little thing can feel triggering. it’s easy to say “well, we’re for sure not ready to explore new possibilities yet” and even though that could be true, it can also be true that we’re really sensitive about certain things (for good reason). i never want to say “ignore the triggers and push through” but i do want to say “explore your triggers and don’t make reflex decisions based on them.” talk about it with safe friends, get wise input.
ease in, don’t rush. sometimes when we’re lonely & desperate & tired and long so deeply for connection and stability again, we can dive in too fast, too hard. don’t. it’s not good for us. take time to live on the fringes a little. don’t volunteer for too much too soon. trust that healthy systems & groups & people won’t be in a hurry.
overall, when considering new possibilities to explore, i really like the words “practice” and “try.” they’ve helped me become a little more balanced and not so black-and-white. these words help us remember we don’t need everything mastered or figured out or buttoned down; rather, we can do our best to show up, engage as best we can for the moment, and continue to learn, adjust, re-evaluate, and grow.
over time, may our hearts be open to new possibilities.
what are some new possibilities you are trying (or want) to explore?
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tomorrow: the wrap, whew! – trusting the path.
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rebuilding after deconstructing: 6. igniting passion
“the glory of God is man fully alive.” – st. irenaeus
here we are, at part 6 of this crazy-intense series on rebuilding our faith after deconstructing. the previous posts are introduction, 1. honoring the process 2. acknowledging losses 3. discovering what remains 4. finding what works 5. celebrating what was.
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the idea of this series is to provide a loose framework & practices for the big themes of rebuilding. for some, it’s challenging & stirring up hard stuff. for others, it’s hopeful and brings relief. for others, it’s just plain annoying because the thought of rebuilding anything is too difficult right now. may we honor that we’re all in different places and integrate this material in ways that work for us.
the deconstruction process can often feel like dying. because it is. old parts of our spiritual life need to die so that new ones can emerge. what i appreciate about seasons (even though i’d love to live on a beach where it’s perpetually summer) is that we need winter for spring to emerge. dying-winter-grief can feel so dark, ugly, painful and cold but if we hang in & hang on, new life can rise out of the ashes, buds can start to form on bleak, stark limbs.
a core piece of rebuilding is beginning to resurrect parts of us that have been lost, squelched, stifled, ignored, unvalued over the years.
we can’t think our way into a new life, but we can live our way into a new life. part of rebuilding is really somehow about our souls being “born again.”
and this requires getting in touch with what brings us life, what ignites our passion.
this stage of rebuilding is different from “finding what works” because that is centered on discovering new ways to connect with God. igniting passion is about finding purpose, meaning, and ways to channel our hearts & energy & time in directions that bring life & hope.
in stage 3, the productive life, before we hit the wall & things began to disintegrate, serving was about doing, working, contributing to toward a system in need of helpers. igniting passion is part of the transition from stage 4′s messy painful journey inward to stage 5, the journey outward. it’s where we begin to serve & love & live with much greater freedom–out of passion instead of duty.
we all have some kind of dream–things we’d like to do, build, try, be-a-part of, live out.
these can be little things, big things. “church” things, not-clearly-related-to-church things. exciting things, simple things.
regardless, part of a renewed faith is acknowledging our passion & desire those “things” and stepping into them somehow, someway, without having to ask for permission.
a sad part about many of our church experiences is that unless our passions “somehow serve the system” many haven’t been encouraged or nurtured (i always say churches have made handing-out-programs-at-church sound like the greatest spiritual gift ever!). there is so much beauty & hope & passion & wildness & glory waiting to be uncovered as people are set free to live, serve, love in whatever ways God is calling.
also, please try to hold on to this: having passions & hopes & dreams are not selfish, no matter what people or churches may have told you.
God’s image is best reflected in his people, fully alive.
as we thaw out our hearts and find our way, it’s important to get in touch with what lights our fire:
what do we love to do?
who or what do we care about?
what gets our juices flowing when we start talking about it?
then the question is: how can we fan that flicker of passion into a brighter flame?
it’s not all-inclusive but it seems like a lot of our passions fall into these 3 primary categories (they overlap a lot, too, and i’m sure there are many other areas of passion but it seems like so many come back to these).
many of us are passionate about:
love. we care about loving people, presence, caring, serving, being Christ’s hands and feet, reflecting God’s image in hard places, restoring dignity.
justice. we are advocates and care about causes. we want to change systems, stand on behalf of the oppressed, raise awareness, and make what’s wrong right.
beauty. we care about beauty, nature, creativity & the arts and the power of it to heal & restore & inspire & uncover God’s image in ourselves & other people.
some of us have already found ways to live out our passion. the flame has been lit and the fire’s roaring. others of us may feel more scared to step out because we know it will be without the support & encouragement of the systems we used to be (or are still) part of. others are somewhere in between and not quite sure yet; any kind of passion still feels buried pretty deep.
regardless of where we each find ourselves, part of rebuilding faith is igniting our passions–ones buried underneath a lot of rubble or ones recently discovered.
passions don’t have to look like starting new nonprofits, planting churches, adopting kids, writing a book, or moving to africa tomorrow (although they most certainly can!) they can also look like taking a class we’ve always wanted to take, volunteering at a nonprofit that does work we care about, learning something we’ve always wanted to learn, doing something we’ve always wanted to do but haven’t because we’ve been too busy at church. it can be stepping out in any small way that feels like movement toward life instead of standing still.
the best way we can participate in bringing change & hope & goodness to this world is to live instead of die. try something instead of nothing. fan a flicker into flame instead of letting it be snuffed out.
what are some passions that are starting to ignite for you (or that you hope will)?
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tomorrow, the second-to-last part: 7. exploring possibilities
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rebuilding after deconstructing: 5. celebrating what was
oh i wish some of you could have seen me years ago. i was the best-christian-good-girl-ever! it would make you laugh (or cry). and as much as i can’t believe that was me, i keep learning how important it is to honor that stage of my faith as a very important part of my story. instead of rejecting it and being mad at myself for some of the things i believed & the ways i behaved, i am learning to honor and celebrate it.
it was part of the process.
as we continue to move toward greater hope & life & freedom in our faith, it’s really important to not dismiss or reject or remain bitter about the past but instead find ways to celebrate what was as we actively move toward what is and what could be. (one side note: when spiritual abuse was part of the equation, we aren’t supposed to celebrate that. that is in another category completely). i’m talking about parts of our journey that we have since moved past but deserve to be honored somehow so we can not be-so-pissed-off-about-them-all-the-time.
for me, here are some things that i want to respect, honor, and celebrate from my past:
i learned so much about the Bible during those years. almost all of the scriptures that i know & love & still bring me hope come from those times of intense learning and study.
i gained respect for rules, boundaries, and what it meant to submit to some kind of authority. i wasn’t raised like that, and even though some of it was wacky, the basics of having a structure & framework for living was what i needed in my early adult years.
i discovered what gathering regularly with other people looked & felt like. i had never been part of any consistent groups before i became a christian and started going to bible studies and small groups. it instilled in me a deep desire for intention and community.
the comfort of being with others-who-believed-just-like-me was really healing, especially when i desperately needed to feel more secure and protected because of my family of origin. it helped me when i needed it most. now, i don’t need that kind of security anymore.
i made a lot of amazing friends along the way. some of them think i’ve gone off the deep end but many others still love me and we remain connected despite differing practices & beliefs.
some of our good-christian-parenting-practices weren’t all bad. in fact, i am grateful for many of them. (yes, we were growing kids God’s way-ers; sarah & megan, i know you’re cringing right now!) of course, i am in a totally different place now but the truth is that a few things from that season were good and have helped jose and i in parenting all these kids.
the inspiration helped me for a while. during that season, the wow-factor drew me in & stirred my soul & made me want to connect with God. even though it out-wore its welcome, it had its place.
there are others, but those are a few off the top of my head.
another way to frame this is to consider a gratitude list related to what was. do what works for you, how works for you, but it does seem like gratitude heals.
i could reframe a few of mine to say: “i’m grateful for what i learned about the Bible during those years” or “i am grateful for boundaries, rules, and structures that i needed during that season of my life.”
this step of “celebrating what was” isn’t about looking at the past through rose-colored-glasses or stirring up false memories to feel better about things or forcing ourselves to go where we just can’t go. please don’t feel pressure to do this right now if you’re just not ready & you find yourself feeling icky about it.
it’s about remembering that where we were was part of our story. these experiences shaped and formed us into who we are today. good, bad, or ugly, these things were part of our faith journey with God and where we are today. this practice is a little like “discovering what remains”. instead of always thinking of all of the negative-things-we-wish-weren’t-part-of-our-experience, it’s about focusing on the good. it’s about honoring the past for what it was, and the good parts that it did indeed bring to our faith, our growth, our development as people.
it helps to celebrate what was so we can leave it behind in a better place as we begin to nurture and enjoy what is and what could be.
what might you need to celebrate about “what was”?
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tomorrow: igniting passion
also, my blog friend lisa delay is hosting a series related to spiritual guidance for blogging. she asked me to participate and here’s what i shared: be yourself. everyone else is taken. really, it’s not just for blogging but for all of us. how can we become more comfortable in our own skin? that will be the work of our lives, and for me, blogging is just one way to work on it. check it out at her site.
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rebuilding after deconstructing: 4. finding what works
this is the 5th post in a series here on rebuilding after deconstructing and navigating through deep shifts in our faith. the other posts are: introduction, 1. honoring the process, 2. acknowledging losses. 3. discovering what remains. thank you for all of the responses. hard but beautiful stuff.
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every wednesday night at our house we have a “house of refuge”. it’s a wild, diverse & open group that’s been meeting since the refuge started in 2006. we share a meal & spiritual conversation lead by a different person each week (i call it “spiritual show and tell”). it’s so fun (and wacky, too). a few years ago, a friend shared at our group a significant truth from alcoholics anonymous that i have never forgotten. she has a lot of sobriety and has helped many others along the way. she shared that when it comes to getting sober, people need to do “whatever works” (that doesn’t harm or hurt ourselves or anyone else).
desperate circumstances require desperate measures. whatever works means finding something that keeps us sober so that we can get some healing underneath our belt and get on more solid ground.
these words have lingered, and as someone who journeys with a lot of hurting people related to life & faith, i use it all the time.
when we are in a battle to rebuild our faith, we need to do whatever works.
when we’re tired, hurting, and confused, we can’t worry about spiritual technicalities and what other people deem as must-have-beliefs-or-practices-that-”count” as spiritual enough. these are things that got a lot of us into trouble in the first place.
from what i can tell, God is not a God of technicalities.
people are. but God’s not.
God is bigger than our boxes–and other people’s boxes, too.
part of rebuilding our faith requires finding ways to connect with God & our souls that make us come more alive.
finding what works is about experimenting with practices and ways of being that create life, passion, and connection. God is in those places, even if none of these areas seem overtly “spiritual” in the weird & limiting ways we have been taught to define it. we must keep bridging the divide between the sacred and the secular and respect that God is always present–revealing, stirring, challenging, reminding, healing, inspiring, convicting, loving.
i realize some of your evangelometers might be going off right now, flashing “warning, warning–whatever works is dangerous, whatever works is dangerous.” but on this rebuilding & renewal process, i am going to firmly say that i think any connection with God is better than no connection with God. technicalities, forced-practices, and assuming that God needs our “perfect” ideas about the Bible, typical church, and certain specifics in order to show up will wreck our rebuilding because it’s just far too limiting.
remember my friend’s sharing–when people are getting sober, they need to find whatever works. it’s not forever. over time, those-in-recovery will have to do all kinds of other things & participate in all kinds of other practices that don’t feel great as part of our healing. as people of faith, people renewing our faith, whatever works won’t work forever. there are many times we will need to engage in different practices we don’t like in order to grow.
just not right now.
some of those practices almost ruined us so we can’t expect them to bring us life today. during the time of trying to find our way back to God & hope & faith & more secure ground, i strongly and firmly believe we need to start with whatever works.
here are some of the ways “whatever works” can look:
what makes us feel alive? what makes us feel loved? what are we passionate about? do those, do those, do those. try not to evaluate its spiritual-depth but just enjoy the feelings of connection & hope.
there are lots of ways to connect with God . this exercise is really freeing, check it out if you haven’t already.
if reading the Bible freaks us out right now, put it on the shelf and find something else to read that is inspiring and challenging.
if we miss the Bible and want to try to open it again, do, and allow ourselves the practice of reading it for its beauty instead of study or in any way that inspires & challenges.
if connecting with God as father is jacking us up, consider another aspect of God’s character and image that does bring life (i often ask–what part of God do you want to connect with, do you really need right now & start there. a lot of people say Jesus as my friend but there are a lot of aspects of God to work with!).
practice soul care – rest, play, fun, art, music, movies, beauty. when our souls are nurtured & strengthened & find rest and peace, God is there. (i meet God at the movies almost every time).
go to the social hour at church & visit with people you love…then leave when they start preaching or singing or whatever-might-cause-an-allergic-reaction.
dig down and find what feels helpful to us, not what we see someone else doing or think we “should” be doing. keep asking–what helps? what helps us feel more alive, more human, more awake?
for me, one of the most sustaining pieces of my faith journey has been sticking with what makes my heart come alive–people. community & connection & conversations have been my “whatever works” and have kept me tethered to God. i am often criticized for not being spiritual-enough, biblical-enough, christian-enough. but i don’t care because people have kept my faith alive.
and i’m pretty sure that’s enough for God.
it’s certainly enough for me.
what’s “working” for you right now?
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tomorrow: celebrating what was
Read Morewell-behaved women won’t change the church
today i have a post up at ed cyzewski’s blog as part of his women in ministry series. it’s called well-behaved women won’t change the church. it was so fun to write this one!
here’s a little excerpt:
Well-behaved women won’t change the church.
We just won’t.
Well-behaved women will keep the wheels spinning on systems that keep working, keep growing, keep moving. We will do good and honorable work that matters and helps people and makes a difference in our communities.
But we won’t change the church.
Some people think the church doesn’t need changing; they’re fine with the way things are because it works for them. But I think there a lot more of us out here than even we ourselves know–passionate women who believe the body of Christ needs much more than a face-lift to become all it’s meant to be.
i hope you’ll go over there to read the entire post & you can share any thoughts there or here.
you can read the other posts in the series here:
also, thank you, everyone, for all of the honesty & hope & stories from this past week through comments & emails & conversations. i look forward to next week, too. if you’re new here or just catching up, the four posts this week centered on rebuilding after deconstructing faith are:
- intro – rebuilding after deconstruction
- 1. honoring the process
- 2. acknowledging losses
- 3. discovering what remains
have a great weekend. much peace & hope, kathy
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