0 likes

We tend to stay in abusive relationships because the abusers have convinced us that we have no options. But that is often not the case.

If I have a job I hate, but feel that I cannot give up the paycheck, I can keep the job for now, but make a serious effort to find another job. Once I have other options, I can act on those. Perhaps, just perhaps, I might tell my current employer what must change if I am to stay.

Similarly, whether it be a church group that oppresses women, or a an oppressive/abusive relationship with another individual, we usually have other options. Once we have identified those options, we may need to walk away from the abusive/oppressive situation, or, if we have hope that the abuser/oppressor is willing to change, we may choose to offer them that option (if doing so will not endanger us).

Rather than current church practice being based on Scripture, Scriptural interpretation is almost always based on current church practice. Churches that oppress women claim to be basing their actions on Scripture, but many of us maintain that they are in fact basing their interpretation of Scripture on not only church practice, but also on what is happening in their own homes.

If we stay in individual relationships or relationships with groups where we are oppressed or abused, the oppressor/abuser is in control. We need to identify our options, demand that the oppressor/abuser change (if this is safe and we want to maintain a relationship), and be prepared to walk if they don’t change. If we walk, we must tell them why (if it is safe to do so).

   0 likes

kindra – oh these are the moments when i want to stand up and scream. thank you so much for your honesty, and i am sorry that the boredom and loneliness is your current experience. that is just wrong. and sad. my hope for you is that something shifts and you find a new spot to use your gifts that you would have never expected. as you wait and wonder, may you know you are not alone.

jeff – thanks

   0 likes

Great words.

Jeff

   0 likes

I am bored.

I have amazing leadership abilities. I preach, teach, lead creative reflective services, I am prophetic, I am a problem solver, I am wild, I am a woman of prayer, I am hopeful, I am a fighter for justice, I am a great listener, I am a disciple-maker, I am loving, I am a reflection of Christ…and I am totally homeless.

The moment of walking away was so invigorating. Rediscovering God and realizing that He did not agree with that abuse and in fact longed to set me free from it was beautiful and powerful and devastating. I was ruined and rebuilt. And now, now I am bored. Now, I am lonely. I walked away from the table where abuse was handed down and felt holy freedom–now I feel like I sit in lawn chair with no table and waste gifts He has given to me. That invigorating feeling was fleeting and led to doubt about whether it was the right move or not–even though I know all the way down to my bones that it was.

Yeah, “travesty” pretty much sums it up.

Kindra

   0 likes

I think that the inequality between men and women in the Church is not just about who is allowed to fill certain positions of leadership. Sometimes I feel that the entire dialogue and teaching in church regarding God, our Christian walk, etc. is slanted towards particularly “male” views.

This year, on Mother’s Day Sunday, our pastor talked about how valuable mothers are. The way he chose to do this was to bring in statistics on the current economic situation, and to juxtapose them with stats on the declining birth rate. With a few quotes from various economists to back him up, he triumphantly concluded that “we” need women to “have more babies” because it’s good for the economy. His entire talk only reinforced the idea that men are responsible for “important” things such as money, economy, politics, etc. and women take care of the other fluffy things. To show that a mother is valuable, he had to link her to money/economy.

If a group of women were discussing the value of mothers, I think they might recognize that this work is inherently valuable, in its own right, without needing to be linked (even validly) to an “important” thing like money.

I wonder if the “male” perspective actually shapes much more than only our “leadership team”- perhaps also our ideas of God, ourselves as believers, etc. etc. etc.

   0 likes

mark – oh don’t get me going on that one! the damage done to abused women via “the church” is so painful. this is why a lot of abused women advocate agencies have so much trouble with “christians” because they have seen the damage done. i have more than my share of painful stories of things said to women who were in truly horrible situations by their pastors & leaders. yes, bondage is the word!

lainie – i am so with you. there are 2 sides to this equation and it is very confusing. kind of like what mark said, there are so many who minimize or don’t understand and push women back (it’s so interesting to me, all of the connections between a relationship with a person & a relationship with “the church”). i think real change happens when both sides work toward greater health–but that’s usually the least likely situation, isn’t it? and yes, constant presence. TONS of time, long haul, and a reminder that getting healthier, stronger, free-er and changing those damaging behaviors of allowing continued abuse is so possible. great thoughts, so much to consider & talk about….

michelle – glad you stopped by. how’d you hear about the carnival? i appreciate you taking time to say hi and let me know a bit about what you were wrestling with. you are definitely not alone, even though sometimes it can feel that way. peace & hope to you.

   0 likes

peace

   0 likes

Another thing to consider: The dynamic of abusive relationships (and you hint at this earlier in your post) is such that both abuser and the abused are affected. The baseline of what is normal and good for both parties is skewed. As a result, the abused partner may well engage in problematic behaviors.

Because the abused partner may have also engaged in bad behavior, s/he may be unwilling to leave because of guilt. And if s/he does leave, but joins or is a part of a faith community that doesn’t understand the dynamics of abuse, s/he may find him/herself being pushed into returning, or cast as the “guilty” party.

I think it important that people learn to be consistently present for the abused and to not waver in this consistent presence, even when the abused has perhaps engaged in troubling behavior themselves.

   0 likes

All I can say is – BONDAGE!!! and the yokes many church leaders are placing on their people must break the heart of our Father.

Carolyn and Ellen is spot on!!! Guilt what a way to manipulate people, eh?

   0 likes